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Gaps Residency Artist Document.

November 2011Marina Sossi

Preface

Who am I?This is the eternal question I ask myself every day. I ask it continually in my practices as anartist and as a yoga practitioner. I ask myself if these practices or identities are actually thesame; are they the same pathway or parallel paths? Do I divide myself further by following

both, or do they each provide a space to reflect the other?

I have always found it a challenge to define myself. When I am asked:So, Marina, what do you do?I feel myself shrinking, I feel pressurised to define myself in words and language and search

for a smart, snappy answer. I am very often thrown into a dilemma, searching for the rightphrases to do myself justice, but at the same time practicing some form of restraint. I do a

whole lot of things, but which do I focus on to provide the most appropriate response?What do I call myself? Artist? Dancer? Performer? Yogi?...and, does it really matter?I guess it depends on who I am talking to, how I am feeling, the context of the question andhow much the questioner really wants to know.

How should I define myself?The act of making work, the creative process, is for me driven by the desire to do just that...todefine myself, find out who I am and express this to everything I assume not to be me. Sotherefore the ongoing unravelling of Who am I? is eternal and unending. A clear definitionis therefore never quite adequate, or honest, it is ever evolving, changing and emerging.I wonder... if I knew who and what I was, would I be making art? maybe I wouldnt need to?

My practice is rooted in the physical body. My own personal practices and what I teach tendto start with the physical, the tangible, the familiar and something we all have in common. Inmy own practice as a performer and movement artist, the body is the tool, it is the startingpoint, it is the thing that we have to overcome and simultaneously engage with. In teaching Ihave found groups and individuals have an immediate ability to respond to the physical(regardless of their physical ability/disability) and, if we ignore the physical then it usuallygets in the way. So, by engaging with the body and all the senses it is predisposed to follow;

we overcome the barriers to our own brilliance, our creativity can be accessed directly and weare all able to learn in the most inclusive way.

My connection with Creativity Works had been as an artist facilitator. From 2006 I have beenemployed by what was nesa (North East Somerset Arts) mainly for the Creative Linksproject; delivering progressive arts workshops for people with enduring mental healthchallenges in Bath and North East Somerset including: drama & self expression with Mosaic(a social group and one to one support for service users and their carers from all ethnicminority and/or cultural backgrounds.) Several Drama & Creative writing courses with

Women in Southville, Bath. Creating drama, films and journalism with young people in theSnowhill area, Creative Writing sessions with patients at Hillview Psychiatric unit at Bath

RUH and as support artist for the recent Big Local Trust consultation.

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At the time that the residency was in the ether, I had been working in different locations inthe UK and abroad; teaching yoga in turkey, a pilgrimage and performing in India, a drama

week with young people in Germany and residential enrichment courses with Able Gifted andTalentedyoung people in Somerset. I had been homeless and on the move for the last 18months and out of the usual routine of teaching regular classes and courses. This period had

been very challenging and the sense of dislocation, isolation and insecurity that presenteditself on a daily basis, offered me a deeper understanding and experience of being on theedges of society. This feeling of being disenfranchised, ignored and almost nonexistent is inmy opinion an essential space to occupy for any artist, particularly one who considersthemselves socially engaged. In order to socially engage, we have to appreciate the widerspectrum of experience in our society; socially, culturally, physically and spiritually and

become fully aware of the ways inclusion and exclusion operate. As an artist I feel it is myduty to embrace the conflict and contradictions presented in our human experience andencourage both the cultivating of individual identity and the realisation of a harmonious

whole.

How can I do this better?

The Gaps residency with Creativity Works was a learning journey, not just for me as the artistat the centre, but for everyone involved. It was a process which in itself can be identified aspart of a larger journey (my artistic and spiritual evolution) and as a microcosm of the whole;particularly in terms of the creative/learning cycle, which was to become a feature of thisentire project. It was a big responsibility to be at the centre of this activity, to hold this space.I suppose that is what I do, I hold space. To be more aware of this: what I do, how I do it andhow I communicate this to others is how I will ultimately be able to do it better, to grow andto continue growing.

Definition became an enduring theme throughout the residency, not just for me on mylearning adventure, but for participants, Creativity Works and socially engaged arts practice.

I come to the conclusion that this is my lifes work; to continually define Who I Am andthrough this realise Who I am.

Thanks:I would like to take this opportunity to thank a few people involved in this residency. NellyLight for his constant provocation, guidance and support, Philippa Forsey for her continualsupport and trust in my process, (even when it seemed unfocussed or strange), Shaun

Naidoo for his constant questioning, agitating and passion for learning, Jill Carter for hercuriosity and understanding, Heather Bonsey for her unlimited positivity and warmth,

Mark Wilcox for his endless enthusiasm and faith, Jill Bennett for her generosity andmentoring, Lesley Featherstone for her continued good work at Creativity Works, all the

articipants for their open hearts, patience and co-operation and Monica Sossi for a placeto live.

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Introduction

Last Autumn I returned to the UK after a long period of traveling and working. I was notplanning on another winter in the UK. My intention at that point was for pastures new,somewhere away from the south west, where most of my work had been based in theprevious 18 years. The south west is also where I was born and brought up. As an artist I haveoften struggled with remaining on my own turf, so to speak, and found that my work is moreopenly accepted and welcomed in other countries far more readily than in the UK. To belocal can often be seem as lesser, not interesting or exotic. At the point I was planning todepart, I was approached by Philippa Forsey from Creativity Works to have an informal chatabout where I was at and where Creativity Works were headed; with their recent rebrandingand new directions in the arts and well-being world.

At this point in my work I was beginning to connect my arts and yoga practice in a morecohesive way. All the time I was making clearer connections between the two and throughthis my development as an arts practitioner, teacher and spiritual aspirant were acceleratingand becoming clearer. The challenge now for me was how to articulate this confidently in a

way that everybody could understand. Earlier that year I had performed a new piece in Indiawhich I had developed during my stay in Cholamandal Artist Village (just south of Chennai).This incredibly challenging period also consolidated the merging of my practices. The piece

Belovedwas influenced by my experiences in India: Tamil poetry, the teachings of RamanaMaharishi and traditional dance forms from Tamil Nadu, particularly Bharatanatyam whichcan be understood as an act of devotion, a ceremony, a celebration of the eternal universethrough the material body and the embodiment of music in visual form. I was also veryinterested in the idea of the Avatar; as an earthly incarnation of a Hindu deity and as arepresentation of a person or idea in cyberspace or otherwise.

The piece combined Butoh dance and original poetry, structured as five inter-connecting

solos sequences. I collaborated with resident artist Shailesh Bo; a sculptor and painter in thevillage, creating an installation in the sculpture garden, where the outdoor stage was situated.The other artist was Vasundhara Mukundan, a graduate of the prestigious arts schoolKalakshetra Foundation, who provided the voice for my words.Belovedexplores themes ofduality and oneness, the pain of separation and the yearning for union. I was exploring theideas of dance and artistic practice as devotional acts, drawing both audience and artistcloser to the divine. The body being the vehicle for transformation and realisation.

The body as vehicle, material or tool has provided an enduring direction in my work. In thelonger term, I have also extensively explored the idea of space, putting myself, my body, in

that space and exploring concepts of void, emptiness, nothingness. During a period ofresearch and development for my first solo work starting in 2004, I put myself in the emptyspace without direction or an outside eye (apart from video for my own reflection) and overtime discovered (amongst other things) that the body becomes the sculptor of space and vice

versa and out of this something other invariably emerges.

My work is influenced by Japanese theatre, the plays of Samuel Beckett, 18th centuryromantic poets, Clown & Comedia del Arte and I am inspired by performance artist Marina

Abramovic, philosopher Slavoj iek

In all my work I am interested in framing space and observing what occurs. Whether working

alone or with other people I have found it productive to create boundaries in physical space,timeframes or rules, without this the infinite options available for live work can seem

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overwhelming and inertia or confusion invariably set in. With other artistic mediums theseboundaries can already be inherently defined. For example, if you are working with physicalmaterials, paint, clay, fabric there is already a given resistance provided by the materialsthemselves. With boundaries set in place we are able to observe and engage with the creativeimpulse and measure the tension between: the need to intervene, provoke and take action

with yielding, releasing and remaining passive. When we are restricted in any way it can be agreat aid to our creativity; Create something with these limitations?may provoke a far moredynamic creativity than, Create whatever you want...

My first meetings with Philippa began in November 2010. We discussed the development ofCreativity Works and how the proposed residencies would help to inform and shape theorganisation as well as pave the way for future residencies. The three residencies funded bythe Arts Council had very clear prescribed outcomes, objectives and values. The intention wasfor the artist to create the residency, to be involved from the ground up, part of its fabric andparty to every element in its construction. Clearly the artist was central, with an emphasis ontheir professional development and mentoring. This appealed to me as I was at a point in my

work where I needed nurture and support as well as a desire to connect with others. The

residencies were for socially engaged arts practice around the area of health and well being,with particular emphasis on mental health. CW were interested in exploring what sociallyengaged arts practice actually means in this context and were keen to work alongside theartists, observing their methodology and approach and with a keen interest in the artistsprocess and practice.

We want to know how you think. Lesley Featherstone

It was recognised right from the beginning that all the people involved in this residency werepart of a learning journey as well as being on their own individual learning journey. Learning

became a key focus for the residency and progression for the artist, participants and CW

also a key objective proposed by the arts council. At this time CW was evolving andredefining itself as an organisation and there was the potential for this residency to form amodel for future ways of working and to explore new approaches to engaging withcommunities. It was clear also that CW wished to raise the profile of their work and Arts andHealth in general to a wider forum which not only promoted understanding of this growingarea, but also opened up new and exciting dialogues for artists, arts professionals, healthprofessionals and academics.

Once we were agreed on the basic principle of my taking the residency on, Philippa and Ibegan to discuss my potential directions, who I might work with and how I might engage

with groups and individuals in the area of BANES. There was also the issue of evaluation. Forthis particular residency there was a clear intention to look for external evaluation ratherthan CW doing this in-house with standard questionnaires, reports and feedback gathering.The external evaluation/evaluator would also potentially give the residency and the work ofCW some recognition in the academic field, from resulting lectures/articles/written papers.

After meetings I would often process and explore my ideas and thoughts with my ownversion of mind-mapping using large pieces of paper filled with words, phrases, questions,diagrams, drawings and colour. I often feel the need to get everything out of my head andonto something I can see in front of me. Creating a visual object from thought and dialogueis a natural way for me to start a process. I engaged in this process on varying scales (A3 to

A0 in physical dimension) at several points during the residency; these snap shots of myvision at any point in time provided useful reference points, acted as reminders (which I

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would sometimes add to) and offered an open space to vomit out and process all theconversations, ideas and research that swam around in my mind.

Interestingly I saw similar ways of processing when Philippa and I attended Bobby BakersWIP exhibition/talk at Bath University ICIA, Mad Gyms and Kitchens. Her diary drawingsand intertwined words and diagrams were displayed as artworks in the exhibition and in hertalk she discussed mental illness, recovery and well-being. Questions arose about whethershe was a socially engaged artist and I briefly discussed this with Jill Carter a fellow artist inresidence with CW who I met there for the first time. Evidently this is a term which requiresfurther definition and in my opinion the best way to do this is through the practice of socialengagement itself.

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Chapter 1: Methodology

Ground Work

Having a history with nesa (the previous incarnation of CW) there may have been certainexpectations of how I might work and who I might wish to work with. CW were keen forartists to work with existing groups in the community that they had a history with. It wassuggested I select several groups from the pool that were currently involved with CW and I

was also encouraged to explore ways that might connect or knit together these groups. Thisidea certainly appealed to my proved ability to connect things and responded to a desiredoutcome for the residency; to build bridges, create links and cultivate progression.

Extensive discussions between Philippa and I regarding the potential direction of thisresidency at first helped to dismiss certain ideas. I didnt feel that we would be workingtoward a performance, this was mainly due to the limited timeframe and the decision to workacross several groups. It was also clear to me that this residency was not working toward

some known outcome, end result or presentation. To me this would not be true to the briefbut merely me imposing my own ideas. It was becoming clearer that this project would not beknown until the engagement actually began. In some ways this was unnerving, but suited myspontaneous spirit and conviction in others.

My initial idea was to encourage participants from three different groups to respond to eachothers work creatively and begin a chain of creative response. I was inspired by Andy

Warhols series of short silent films that became known as Screen Tests. In these intimateliving portraits from the 1960s the sitter gazes into the motionless camera for the durationof a length of film (2 and a half minutes) I considered adapting this idea, maybe with somesimple instructions given to each sitter. These portraits could then be presented to other

groups who would then be encouraged to respond to these characters by creating their owndramas, poetry and scripts from them. So we begin very naturally from what is immediatelypresented and then by looking deeper we penetrate the surface, and in doing so have theopportunity to indirectly explore ourselves. I liked this format as it removed the pressure toperform or create something external to the participants own experience. Instead itpromoted observation, appreciating the present, connecting with others and being. I alsorealised that the format could also be quite provocative and for some people being on camera

would be a definite no-no. (Interestingly, it was the young people who had the mostresistance to this, not as I assumed, those with mental illness)

I tentatively entitled this potential project Like Life as a play on Lifelike; considering thedifference between the real and unreal, truth and fiction, looking at the drama of theeveryday and ordinary. After discussing this idea with Philippa she set up some meetings

with representatives from potential groups. These were selected from a wide array of groupsthat CW already had a relationship with, had funded or were currently funding projects andproviding artists for.

As well as participants there were many other people and networks involved in the project.Each of the groups that I was considering working with had leaders, support workers andrepresentatives to connect with. So once a selection of groups had been narrowed down,meetings were set up to discuss my ideas and how they might work. Philippa and I met with

Clare fromRethink (running groups for people with severe mental illness) and talked aboutthe groups current work with digital photography and music. We explored the suitability of

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theLikelife project and although there was a lot of enthusiasm about my way of working,there were also doubts about participants and their feelings about being on camera as well as

being identified as having mental illness. We discussed various ways of accommodating thevulnerability of these individuals and remaining inclusive, which was and is of paramountimportance to me in socially engaged practice. Potentially easing into the project by initiallylinking to the photography of the groups current project and finding ways to respondcreatively to their own and others images. As well as generating ideas to work from this

would also build trust and familiarity; a relationship between myself and the participants.

After this meeting I reflected with Philippa and allowed the impact to act on my ideas. One ofmy strengths as an artist is in my flexibility and ability to respond to everything around me,this can sometimes have the inverse affect of seeming directionless or ungrounded. Over the

years of reflecting on my process and practices, I have realised that all my strengths canequally be my weaknesses; my sensitivity to everything and everybody can result in sensoryand emotional overload, my instinctive nature can come across as unstructured and randomand my deep yearning to connect can come across as desperate. Taking all of Clares concernsonboard we met soon after with Heather Bonsey from BANES mental health team who was

representing the Inspirational Art group; a group of people coming together weekly to paint,draw and support one another, all of whom have enduring mental heath issues. Heather hadsupported the group over the years it had been operating, and over this time they hadattained charitable status, funding and put on their own exhibitions. I was particularly drawnto including this group as I had worked with some of the members previously (Many hadattended the various drama and/or creative writing courses I ran for Creative Links.) I hadalso enjoyed working with Heather and found her enthusiasm for creativity and learning veryreassuring and helpful. She would also participate whole heartedly and encourage others tofeel more comfortable to join in, trust and let go of their inhibitions: quite simply, to play.The meeting was positive and open and as a result I felt my ideas evolving in a way that

would respond to the groups current situation. The group were going through a period of

great change; Heather was uncertain at the time of the future of her position and felt it a goodtime to begin withdrawing from the group. There was resistance to this change and theresponsibility it would place on all members to manage themselves: opening up the hall,organising the setting up and putting away, ordering materials, making decisions and takingroles.

Evaluation & MentoringPhilippa and I noted at this time how many things connected to the residency were in fluxand states of change. Numerous people and organisations (CW included) were hanging in the

balance, uncertain of their futures, their jobs, their funding. There was a palpable feeling ofunease which in some cases perpetuated stagnation; people too afraid to do anything otherthan stand still and wait, too despondent to start new projects, take any risks or consideranything beyond the immediate day to day. This conversation arose again in our first meeting

with Marian & Shaun Naidoo, the prospective external evaluators. Philippa had beenmentored by Marian and was impressed by how the experience had challenged her andimpacted on her work. The Naidoos specialise in working with groups, organisations andindividuals applying action research living theory, inclusional practice and creativity fordevelopment and transformation. We had an lively discussion and I felt comfortable andexcited by the prospect of working together. The Naidoos were both passionate aboutlearning and the potential for change through creativity and I felt we an affinity as both have

a theatre background. There was a second meeting to discuss how we might work togetherand from this point our intention was to video all meetings and conversations. Video was a

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key tool for the Naidoos work, as a way to evaluate and measure learning and a tool forpeople to reflect upon and realise their own learning. Relationship was also a key subject ofdiscussion. For me relationship is always the starting point for working with other people.

When we relate and connect and really see the other, we become familiar and comfortableand from this are able to develop trust; the foundation for any individual or group toconfidently engage with their creativity.

You have to feel comfortable in order to be confident Jo, Inspirational Art Group

Shaun Naidoo became the external evaluator. At this point I have to admit that if I hadrealised how much more time, commitment, research, emotional challenge and provocationthis would entail I might have thought twice about entering into this relationship. We set atimetable for our face to face filmed conversations and also decided to use Skype forpracticality.

Our first conversation was at Ruskin Mill Arts and Crafts Centre, we took a walk around thegrounds which were inspiring and pleasant. Shaun started his questions and I was quite

taken aback when he opened with Who are you?. I learnt that this was the first of the threekey questions that are continually referred to in Living Theory: Who are you? What do youdo? How can you do it better? I explained how Who am I? related to my practice of Atma

Vichara (self enquiry), but didnt feel that my practice was really understood, the idea of selfbeing bound up with so many contradictions, complexity and concepts. The conversationcontinued and moved location to another centre. I began to feel under scrutiny, like there

were certain answers I was trying in vain to find, answers that might satisfy the questionerinto silence. At certain points Shaun seemed irritated by my answers, I felt like a rabbit in theheadlights. Maybe he wanted to crack me, or for me to crack, I didnt feel that this wasnecessary and I hadnt yet developed the level of trust for this to happen anyway. Shaunpointed out my inability to articulate myself clearly which only served to undermine my

confidence and after hours of interview I drove home feeling totally exhausted, confused andangry. During the conversation Shaun labelled me a living contradiction, which I found out

was a term from Living Theory: 'I' contained two mutually exclusive opposites, theexperience of holding certain values and the experience of their negation. I didnt get thefeeling that this was a good thing to be, but something to overcome. My belief is that trueunderstanding and realisation come from embracing contradictions and allowing sense toemerge from the conflicting ideas. My trust was challenged and I really began to feel underpressure not only from Shaun, but from the increasing number of voices I was listening to.

Who are you? What do you do? How can you do it better? Shaun Naidoo, Evaluator.

As well as Philippa and Shaun I also talked and shared my ideas with Neil Light who I hadlived with and worked with on a variety of projects, ideas and concepts for 15 years. Hisacademic approach helped me to be clearer, more methodical and disciplined in my approachand to how I might structure my work and maintain transparency in my process. I wasencouraged to diversify my research beyond the usual bounds of arts and health, other artists

work, socially engaged practice etc. and begin to explore methodology, methods of research,philosophical approaches and definitions.

Shauns style of evaluation had a strong aspect of mentoring, which although I foundchallenging was also immensely valuable. This was very different from the mentor that

Philippa and I had arranged for the residency: Jill Bennett (Engage Programme Co-ordinatorat the Theatre Royal Bath) had a wealth of experience working on community arts projects

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and with great success, particularly her most recent project; the celebrated large scaleCommunity production ofBen Hur at the TRB in 2009. Jill was the one completely neutralparty in the residency as she was unpaid, had no vested interest and no involvement with anyparticipants or CW. This fact was very liberating for both of us. I suggested we conduct thementoring sessions via Skype as I was familiar with this mode of communication and hadfound it very practical. This was something new for Jill and she was happy for an excuse toget Skype set up and try it out. After our initial session on Skype, I found her observationsabout it very astute. The fact that it minimises the social niceties that would occur if we wereto meet in person: getting comfortable, cups of tea, chit chat etc. as well as the additionaltravel time and cost, instead we would get straight to the point and use this communicationtool to do just that, communicate. Over the whole residency we checked in for four, hour longsessions about every 3 or 4 weeks. With these evenly spaced interludes, it was interesting tohear Jills observations and reflections on my progression from her perspective. Noticing theclear changes in my attitude and development over the residency enabled her to map thecurve of my learning journey and for this to be reflected back to me accordingly.

Shaun asked me to consolidate my thoughts and feelings after our initial conversations but

before the engagement with participants commenced. He suggested that I express this inwhatever medium felt appropriate to me. On this occasion, poetry felt the perfect format. Mypoem The Inbetween not only reflects where I was at the time, but has resonated with methroughout the residency. For the following months it has unravelled and delivered everdeeper truths and premonitions.

The Inbetween: Poem (see attached)

I was very aware of my dreams around this time, as I usually am during creatively chargedperiods. I always have a notebook and pen at my bedside as I have found dreamtime aninteresting place to process and stimulate ideas. I would often write notes and sketch before

sleeping: words, images, diagrams and on this occasion cartoons with speech bubbles. I thinkthis came from the multiple voices that I was paying attention to. I then realised that thespeech bubbles were in themselves gaps suspended between people, expectant pauses

waiting to filled. the speech bubbles became an emblem for the residency acting as a tool forfeedback, expression and humour.

Jill Carter Artist in ResidenceAt the point where all the initial set up meetings and planning were over I was invited toattend Jill Carters CoCreate event at the Royal Academy Bristol. The event marked the end

of her residency with an exhibition of her photographs and artifacts Dreams Masks andMirrors and also coincided with the real beginning of my engagement with participants. Atthis point I had attended a few of Jills journalling sessions with My Time My Space (a groupfor women with post natal depression to meet and engage in creative activity). This was oneof the groups I was interested in working with. It occurred to me that there may be sparksfrom the work they were already doing with Jill, that could be kindled and expanded upon. Inaddition, the fact that the group would no longer exist beyond Jills residency also appealed,particularly in response to the Arts Councils objective of progression.

Philippa and I had a meeting with Jill Carter to talk about her residency. It was a goodopportunity for me to ask her questions about her work and the residency: her approach,

what she had learnt, any advice she could give me and what she would have done differently.I also filmed this session. Now and also at the time of the residency I was aware of the impact

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the Action Research Living Theory (that the Naidoos introduced me to) was already havingon my own approach and way of processing the information I was gathering.

After this meeting Jill asked me if I would like to interview her about her residency, oncamera, at Radstock Library. I was fairy competent with the basics of filmmaking havingassisted Neil Light on many projects, but up until now had never used the professionalcamera and sound equipment independently. This struck me as a perfect opportunity to gosolo and learn for myself. After a practical instruction session with Neil and the equipment, Ifelt confident to take the task on. It is interesting to see Jills perspective on this session fromher blog:

12/Feb/11 08:09arina filmed me in the Radstock library talking about my residency. To my horror when the video

camera viewer swiveled round, there was sitting a middle aged woman in front of the Large Printbooks looking exhausted. Flip I thought, as she niftily organised sound kit and her long legs dressedin black leather shorts... Things weren't feeling so good. Why had I worked like mad over the lastew months - was I on some sort of quest? I answered the questions as best I could in response to her

bright enquiries, as she was the new artist in residence. But I was feeling rather on the spot.

What I learnt from this was something very obvious and very human that we all needreminding of; that no matter how inadequate, unworthy, uncertain, unconfident, scared oralone we feel, we are never alone...everyone experiences these feelings at some point oranother. At the end of the interview I encouraged Jill to do a timed writing exercise; writingspontaneously without stopping for 5 minutes, giving her the starting line

Whatever you had lurking in the cupboard is revealed.... Jill Carter, Artist

This line was something she had said during the interview while we were discussing the MyTime My Space group. She was talking about motherhood and her lyrical phrase struck me,

particularly in terms of aligning it with artistic process; giving birth to something and puttingit out into this world (coincidently the title of my current collaborative project).

Jill seemed to totally relax and engage whilst writing her piece, the act of creativity providingrelease, the page a space for self expression. Creative writing exercises are something I useconsistently in my work for these very reasons. At the very least a five minute exercise willrefresh and a deliver a greater level of clarity, by emptying thoughts out and creating somemovement through the physical act of pen on paper, making marks and connecting the mindto the body.

ResearchWith all the meetings and interviews and conversations in this early stage of the residency myresearch was driven to question and define what socially engaged art means.

Is an artist's role in working with communities to make art or to fix problems? What is the purpose or point? Is an outreach project with excluded individuals legitimate art or therapy? Who is the author of a collaborative, participatory artwork? Who is practising socially engaged art? What does social engagement mean to artists?

How is socially engaged arts practice evolving and what could it become? Who should pay for this?

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These were ongoing questions which continuously underscored many of my interactions. Ifelt that the best way to approach these was through the engagement itself, keeping theirdemands peripheral rather than as direct discourse. I allowed my ongoing backgroundresearch and study to be quite broad and follow whatever line intrigued or excited me;following up lines of enquiry that came from my numerous interactions, exploring andmaking connections. I returned to academic thought and theory, looking at structuralism(and post structuralism), feeling the need to balance my open approach with an academicgrounding that may inform a sound methodology. I had recently (over previous months)

been researching and developing ideas for a theatre piece on Jean-Paul Satre and Simone DeBeauvoir, so study of philosophers and theorists was a natural direction for me to follow.

Amongst many others, I looked at Deridas, Deleuze, Lacan, Hegel and of course the currentintellectual hero, Slovenian philosopher and critical theorist Slavoj iek. I am particularlyinspired byiek on many levels; for his diversity, his confrontational, engaging attitude andability to embrace inconsistencies, controversy and conflict and also for the way he hasemerged from obscurity to world fame, but still retains his depth and I did most of myresearch online: reading articles and books and watching lectures and interviews on Youtube.I found the European Graduate School channel on Youtube and Google Talks videos

particularly inspiring. Some of the more directly relevant study I undertook was looking atdifferent concepts, understanding and mapping of the creative cycle and learning cycles. Thiscycle has always held an appeal for me. I learnt a great deal about researching from the

Action Research Living Theory that the evaluation method introduced me to. I found JeanMcNiffs Concise advice for new action researchersbooklet particularly informative.The most precise and accessible example of the creative cycle is the breath. The breath iscentral to all my work. It is absolutely key to every aspect of being, because it IS being.

Zizek is interested in the "parallax gap" separating two points between which no synthesisor mediation is possible, linked by an "impossible short circuit" of levels that can nevermeet. From this consideration of parallax, Zizek begins a rehabilitation of dialectical

materialism.The parallax view, Slavoj iek

GapsIn the midst of this, the concept or overall framing for the residency was becoming clearer.

After much consideration and discussion the initial idea of Likelife was losing ground.Concerns about inclusivity began to shift me away from focussing on film and as theevaluation was based on filmed conversations and reflecting upon these, it seemed lessappropriate still. By now I was clear about my overall approach, I identified this as: To

remain open and responsive, this was to provide a consistent and clear line of guidance, aunchanging point of reference when everything else was likely to be in flux.

In the introduction to this essay I discussed how my performance work focussed on spaceand the body as a sculptor of space. Space and the body were consistently appearing in myprocess and I began to consider how I might work with this more directly or place it morecentral to the engagement. I was concerned that presenting space as a concept to theparticipants may be too broad and overwhelming. I considered ways of framing or containingthat space. In answer, Holes resurfaced as a motif (explored during R&D for performanceproject Morning Star with Neil Light). The hole in the human, the space or void thatdemands to be filled, as metaphor for the yearning in the soul which drives us on our

spiritual quest. This drive can be recognised as the human potential and creative activityactivates and engages us with this limitless potential. This line of enquiry lead quite naturally

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to the concept of GAPS.The idea of a gap was a way of framing space, identifying edges ordesignating a boundary for creativity to flourish within. The idea of a gap also suggestssomething missing, a space demanding to be filled, a need to connect or be bridged. This Gapcan be seen as relationship; the tension between two objects that provoke a reaction; thepause, conflict, expectation creates drama and there there is creative energy generated by it.

The gap between ideals and actualities, between dreams and achievements, the gap thatcan spur strong men to increased exertions, but can break the spirit of others...

George F Will

Socially engaged practices are a way of empowering the disempowered and including theexcluded, and can achieve radical and remarkable transformations. But they are not quickand easy solutions to long-term problems. The conflicts and contradictions between art and

roblem solving, the bridging of the gaps between privileged institutions and sociallyexcluded groups, and the need to develop new and appropriate cultural and criticalcontexts for these practices are just some of the issues that still need to be unpicked.

John Jordan, social sculptor.

The LearningBeing the focus of so many people, each voice demanding a different angle on my thoughtsand intentions and giving each voice the attention and consideration it deserved, often hadthe effect of confusing my vision, planting seeds of doubt and at the lowest point generatedpanic, fear and the consequent knocks to my confidence. I was fortunate to have the longterm practical experience and ongoing study of the creative and learning cycles to have cometo realise that this point; the doubting, despairing and becoming stuck, invariably occurs just

before a breakthrough, so rather than giving up or giving in to the inertia the key is to acceptit and stay true to my approach: To remain open and responsive. This of course, is much

easier if you have the support of like minded people, a neutral friend or mentor.

So, these feelings of doubt came and went, each day a clearer picture of how I was going toengage and what I would actually do also came and went. The constant in all this; myrelationship with Philippa, her ongoing support and guidance from the very start wasessential to the success of the project. Her belief and growing trust in me, was alsofundamental to my own mental equilibrium during the entire project. I always felt that we

were both learning from the continual open exchange between us. My internal dialogueasked: What is it Im offering as an artist? Am I actually offering nothing?Well yes, in a wayI am; I suppose a Gap could be regarded as a piece of nothing. I had to hold my line ofenquiry, and trust in my experience and practice, even though at times I found it demanding

to articulate this line to the people who were supporting me, funding me and evaluating me.In some ways the participants were easier to get on board, because my contact with them wasthe engagement itself, the doing, rather than talking, justifying, or conceptualising. Tryingto articulate or comprehend practice as an intellectual concept of the mind is always achallenge. Writing this now, one year later, it is fascinating for me to look back at mythoughts, attitudes and mindset then, compared to how I feel now. I can now see the extentthe residency has impacted upon my practice and personal journey and also how it may havedirected me through the 7 months since: between the culmination of the residency at the endof March 2011 and now: November 2011.

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Documenting & RecordingFor the entirety of the residency, for 5 months, I made copious notes and drawings on mylaptop and on paper I also gathered photographic images and evidence as well as makingseveral video diaries and videoed interviews/conversations. To record and reflect on mypractice so consistently was new for me and sometimes seemed an added burden. But it wasa great discipline for me to get used to. I have noticed since the residency my tendency to bemore attentive to the various modes of recording my practice and process and this has beenincredibly useful and informative. Over the years. many of my experiences making theatrehave absolutely no record, no evidence whatsoever. Photos and recordings were really onlyever an afterthought, superfluous to the actual work of making, the only exception was if thisaspect of image making was part of the work itself. So unless there was a photographer,filmmaker or reviewer actively on board, the work existed only in the moment and nowremains as a vaporous memory.

With this in mind what followed could be considered a cosmic joke (or disaster in a lessenlightened frame of mind). Not long after the residency ended on March 31st 2011, mylaptop suddenly packed up: the white screen of death (as it is known on the applemac

discussion sites) appeared before me. After an appointment at the Apple shop andsubsequent last ditch attempts at resuscitation, (including putting the hard drive in thefreezer, praying and idle threats) it was time to give in. Everything that I hadnt transferedonto my newly acquired external hard drive was also but a vaporous memory. Luckily themajor artifacts from the residency were all preserved; most photos, film footage and contacts

were all intact. However, my ongoing notes and web tags and all images and records of all myresearch were gone. My emails and hard copy paper notes, drawings and print outs were allthat remained. So, I write this now untethered by mountains of research notes and in some

ways with a greater freedom. I found this to be the upside of losing your hard drive: offloading all the baggage and starting afresh (very much like the act of making live art forms,

where there are no stacks of canvasses or unwieldy sculptures filling the space) In some ways

the Gap ended up finding me, and stuck a great big one in my residency.

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Chapter 2: My Time My Space 1000-1200 words 4 sides

I first visited the My Time My Space group during Jill Carters residency. I was kindly invitedto join in the journalling session with the women and enjoyed the gentle, supportive spacethat Jill created and the easy conversation and laughter that she encouraged. Everything thatemerged in the two hours the women spent away from their babies was processed within theconfines of the journal. I could see this had become a sacred space for some of the women, aplace to express, rant, emote or be playful. I enjoyed the session as a participant and drew apicture of a pregnant woman with my face, which seemed to capture the way I was feeling atthis point in the residency; planning and preparing for its birth. I spoke to Shaun about thegroup and he wanted to know what I was planning to do with them. I knew that the journals

were a rich and vibrant resource and could act as a the starting point for my engagement. Thewomen felt safe within the confines of their book, it was their Gap, a space for themselves toexplore who and what they were in this new identity of mother. Jill had developed a greattrust that enabled the women to pour themselves into their journals and share and express

within the group.

Becky: Writing can be quick, you dont need anything, just paper and pen. I dont think about what Iwrite- just write how I feel in the moment.

My immediate instinct was to give these pages voice or embodiment, I realised that thismight take the women out of their comfort zone, but could see this as the natural path to well

becoming. At this stage I wasnt yet sure how I was going to do this, but knew for certain thatI would have to gain their trust and this would take time. As I had decided to spread theresidency over 3 groups the sessions with each group were limited, so I decided to include afew crossover sessions with Jills to create a bridge from her residency to mine. Working withthe women as part of the group meant I got to know them and could be sensitive to theirindividual journeys. I found out about the people they had been before motherhood, whatthey had put away in the cupboard (using Jills analogy) as well as what was being revealednow in their new persona of Mother. Identity was what they were all struggling with and thisis another way I identified with them: who I was and what I was giving birth to. Being withthis group of women was a very intense experience for me; emotional and reaching out to the

very essence of my womanhood. I was very much aware that I was a women who hadnt hadchildren; childless rather than child-free. I realised how much I had prioritised my art work,these were my babies and most now only existed as ghosts. I was reminded of my early solo

work:Miss Majorca. This was a silent piece in which I was addressing empty space; emptyspace waiting to be filled, expectant and yearning, spaces internal and external. As with allmy work (particularly my solo performances), the period I make and perform them is only

ever the first layer of understanding and this inevitably expands with each audience. As timegoes on, more is revealed and I am drawn to revisit these pieces from a desire to re-evaluate,

but inevitably I make something new. Now I discoverMiss Majorca was not only about lossof love, but loss of something that never was or never will be: unfulfilled potential. This is

worth mentioning as this theme is essentially what drives me in my personal practice andequally attracts me to work as a socially engaged artist.

I mentioned earlier in this essay that the time of the residency seemed to be a period ofchange for a lot of organisations and individuals. This impacted on venue that the MTMSgroup had been meeting. The Childrens Centre in Radstock was being refurbished, so we hadthe issue of finding an appropriate venue, with childcare provision, available on the right day

at the right time and in an accessible location for everybody concerned. This possible obstaclecould have marked the end of my engagement before it began, but once I explored what was

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being presented to me I realised that the obstacle could actually an opportunity. Thisperspective remained with me throughout my engagement with MTMS and in some ways wasto serve as the biggest lesson: Overcoming obstacles and dealing with constant change couldequally be seen as potential opportunities for growth and learning.

Vicky: I think that I have changed. I look at things in a different way.

My hopes for the sessions were that we would progress and overcome these obstacles andlearn together to a point where they would feel equipped and confident enough to becomeautonomous. This was specially important in this instance as the MTMS group would nolonger exist after my sessions with them.

I was anxious about following such a successful residency, that the women would comparefind it difficult to enter into this new engagement whole heartedly. As new mothers they wereconstantly dealing with change, I was concerned about how much more they would be able totake on board, without getting overloaded.

I didnt want to postpone this first session, so with no venue or childcare our firstengagement was determined as walking/talking with photography & video along the disusedrailway line in Radstock. This was a good way for easy conversation to flow between us as wemoved through space alongside each other with the still and video cameras encouragingobservation of things outside of ourself. I gave the direction to look for and photographGaps in the environment this served to stimulate creative activity, conversation andconnection with each other, as well as the chance to get hands on with equipment: for someto try something new and others to re-engage with their forgotten skills. This walk wasfollowed by refreshments and a short creative writing session. This was held in a pleasantprivate space within the church tea rooms, where the babies could play and be watchedcomfortably during the session and tea and cake were available to oil the creative wheels!This combination of a creative walk followed by writing worked well and threw up powerfulemotions. I have become very used to this and accept it as part of the process. Afterwards Ispoke with Philippa about the session and she suggested a check out when working withsuch sensitive material. This is something I have made more of a priority since, ensuring thattime limitations do not jeopardise this important aspect of the work.

Becky: I understand myself more and become more reflective through writing and self expression.

Movement is fundamental to my work as I believe it should be in life, because it is life. Inotice a lot of time working with groups this can be ignored. But I have experienced that if we

ignore the body it will soon demand our attention in various ways, making blocks anddistraction away from our creativity. I was keen for the women to feel comfortable moving, tofind ways to embody the wealth of expression they poured into their journals. Activelymoving the body can be worrying for many people, and these new mothers had to get used tonew bodies, bodies that had changed, that maybe they didnt recognise or feel comfortableinhabiting. With all this in mind I began the movement session at the Westfield ChildrensCentre inviting the women to lie down comfortably on the ground. I talked them throughgrounding their bodies, breathing and relaxing then progressed to standing into movingslowly through space, walking freely and with awareness in different parts of the body. Wethen worked in a partner mirroring exercise. This was followed by a feedback session andsharing anything from the weeks journal. The relaxation was particularly popular although

moving clearly challenged everybody, but without putting anyone off completely.

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Vicky: Sometimes I felt a bit daft to start off with, but soon relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed the Gaps

sessions, especially the relaxation.

Kate:Relaxation and moving; walking around you can move and its OK. I felt free...a bit of freedom.

The following sessions developed this work further. Each person chose one page from their

Journal and each created a living sculpture from it. Each person shared and explained theirsculpture and guided the rest of the group to emulate it. As a group we chose a piece of musicand moved through the sequence of sculptures with our bodies for the length of the musicand in our own timing. I suggested the group might like to see and reflect on the beauty oftheir composition and offered to film them the following week. In the last session which I

wrote up as part of the evaluation the women allowed themselves to be filmed. I gaveinstruction and encouragement throughout and the session was very challenging foreveryone. Due to a double booking the session took place in the creche and although in some

way s this was disappointing, in others seemed appropriate. From now on this is how itwould be; continuing the creativity and community without the support of myself, CW or thecreche. In addition I asked one of the women (who had not attended the previous Living

Sculpture session) if she would like to respond to the movement with creative writing, whichshe did beautifully. Her words were incorporated into the final short film Charlies Fieldedited together from the footage from that day and including photographs and images fromthe journals that related to the Gaps sessions.

Stacey: In the video I can see how well we work together. Not self conscious. I see honest and genuine

expression. We have trust and sharing.

Becky: Watching the video, Im surprised at how emotional we are. In the movement sessions, there

was a feeling of togetherness and support. Doing something physical together.

So movement became an inspiration for writing, when previously writing had been a startingpoint for moving and so we came full circle. Charlies Field successfully encapsulates andreflects all of our learning journeys, individually and as a group, but more than anythingreveals how connection and creative activity will emerge from the Gaps given a frameworkaround that space that is supportive and comfortable enough but also exerts the appropriatepressure.

The Gap provided a place for the individuals in the group to explore and reflect on their ownidentity, self expression and learning together.

Stacey: I have remembered that I am a creative person. I have learnt to be more playful and not so

ocussed on perfect results.

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Chapter 3: Time Out

The large percentage of my arts practice has involved engagement with young people,specifically teenagers. But in the past couple of years this had diminished and I was keen totake the opportunity to involve the Timeout Youth drop in centre, Keynsham in theresidency. I had not worked in this type of environment before, as most of my youthengagement had been set groups at set times in contained spaces, rather than the transientand fluid space I would be presented with here.

The initial meeting in Keynsham with Philippa, Mark Wilcox (Youth worker) Jules Allan(Arts Development Worker) and Chris Kemp (Artist, Suited and Booted) left me none the

wiser, although gave me a direction to follow. Chris the artist already had an establishedrelationship with Timeout and Mark the youth worker. He was about to begin a project todesign and create a Feelgood App for smartphones and Facebook. We discussed how my

work might connect with this, I found it difficult to articulate what I intended to do with theyoung people as I hadnt connected with them and their place yet. Because of this maybe I feltthat working together may be mutually beneficial. The collaboration that was proposed, that I

initially felt excited by, began to create some doubts: How was I going to work with someonebrand new in a new environment in such a short space of time. Was I just piggy backing theother artists project? Did my lack of intervention put me in a weak and ineffectual position?Had I backed myself into a corner before Id even started? Quite soon after this Chris had hisfirst session and emailed me to say he didnt need me. I felt rejected, but soon got over it

when I realised I was out of the corner and free to continue with my own approach. What canbe seen as rejection can also be observed as a nudge in the right direction if you dont dwellon it or take it personally.

I first visited Timeout on a regular drop in night with a few ideas about how I might engagewith the young people creatively, get to know them and the staff and test the water to see

what their creative interests might be. I had a few quick creative writing exercises and speechbubble cartoons that I could try out on the hoof. On this visit I sensed the perspective of ateenager coming in to the centre for the first time: sensing who I was drawn to and where Ifelt comfortable. I was aware how the environment dictated much of this. The pool & XBoxarea designated a particular territory generally occupied by boys, while the kitchen and barseemed fairly neutral aside from Chriss (the trainee youth worker) claim on it. The emptyspace at the other end was generally unoccupied, unless someone wanted to watch a video onthe smart-screen. After I had time to absorb and reflect on the evenings activities I realisedthat what agitated me, what was obvious and staring me in the face was what I must address.The environment: how it shapes and creates us and how we can manipulate and change it. I

had spoken to Mark during the evening and he seemed very positive and helpful. I shared myconcerns about have a clear space with less distractions for more focussed work and hequickly suggested offering the session 1 hour before the doors opened. Inspired by one of the

young peoples quick poems that evening Random I entitled the sessions: The RandomHour and made a poster featuring two empty speech bubbles. The first hour from 6pm -7pmthe centre would open specifically for focussed work. My hope was that this would befollowed up in the main session at 7pm, but I really wouldnt know for sure until it happened.

My major concerns for this group centred on the worry that nobody would turn up and thatthe transient nature of the centre would prevent me from developing any quality of trust inmy relationships. What I hoped was for the young people to see themselves, each other and

their centre differently, to surprise themselves and broaden the horizons so they would feelmore confident to try other new things in the future, rather than shut down possibilities

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before they had even begun. The majority of the young people attending were from workingclass backgrounds and perhaps not encouraged to move beyond the expectations of theirparents, peers or society. With my own similar background I resonated with this potentiallimitation and therefore felt strongly about addressing this.

The Random Hour. Session 1: EnvironmentAt first we explored how we reacted to different areas in the centre: where we were drawn to& felt most comfortable and then where we never ventured or felt uncomfortable. Ourreactions were expressed through writing in speech bubbles and drawing facial expressions.

We recorded these in photos. Staff also joined in this activity and it continued into the secondpart of the session, with other young people joining in and taking photos. This also had anatural cross over with the Ready Steady Cook activity that was happening in the kitchenarea.

The second part of The Random Hour addressed changing the environment and creatinginstallations. Given a designated area of the youth centre each group were asked to decide on

a theme, title or word and express this physically in this space in whatever way they wished.They were then permitted to do anything to that space as long as it could be undone and put

back to how it was at the start of the regular session at 7pm. One group in the Pool Table &Games area instantly chose Upside Down and proceeded to up-turn every piece of furnitureand place things in odd places; bean bags on the pool table, sofas upended, a pool ballmeticulously placed up on a high ledge. It was interesting during this process to notice howone of the group felt the need to justify his actions to Mark:

Oi Mark... you cant tell us off... coz she said we can do whatever we want... Mitch

The irony of this statement is that the space is theirs, the point of Timeout is a space for them

to do what they want.

The other group took the open space next door and chose Cold as their title. Theinstallation expressed their response and the general feeling of the space, which was largelyempty and unused. Chairs were upturned and their legs splayed out in spikes, a large roomdivider was rubbish bags were left stewn about with signs saying Feed me and Keep out.The UV light was also brought out from the cupboard ( interestingly some of the youngpeople were not aware there were such things in the centre for their use) and it wasincorporated to cast a lurid glow. This also tended to attract viewers to interact with theirartwork (whether this was intentional or not.)

In both groups one person naturally gravitated to leader and both groups set up and tookdown their installations quickly and efficiently. Afterwards we had a quick feedback session:the one word responses from each group were: Strange & Creative.

Shaun the evaluator attended this session and I felt the pressure of his judgement. He spentsome of the time talking with Philippa at the table and afterwards made observations on theChris, other artist present. I didnt completely trust his reading of what we accomplished thatevening. He stated that he clearly regarded one sculpture more successful than the other:Upside Down to him was just a messed up room and the fact that they couldnt fully realisetheir vision (to turn the pool table upside down) depreciated their result. My feeling was that

both achieved different results. Maybe Shaun didnt feel that I helped them to realise theirlearning that evening. If I were to do it again maybe I would address this more clearly. But

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with this kind of activity, the learning can be more of a slow burn, participants need time toreflect on their own terms. I also felt that with teenagers in this kind of environment that Ineeded allow time and space for relationship and trust to develop.

Session 2: The Rabbit Suit and Video Camera.The most challenging thing for this second Random Hour was how to create a focus in aspace that is continually changing as well as clearly identifying myself as Artist in a way thateveryone could understand. I considered creating a room within the space; a creative space. Ialso thought about using the big glass windows of the centre. In the end I brought out mytrusty Rabbit suit and Video camera. On the evening I changed into the suit and appeared

before the group of teenage boys that had attended the previous week. I presented thematerials we were to work with; the rabbit and the video camera and asked What do youthink the rabbit should do? To which the answer came; Go into the town and interview

eople. The rabbit, camera and the group ventured out into Keynsham and visited variousplaces on the high street. Chris the trainee youth worker was keen to wear the suit. We madeanother tour with Chris in the suit. He said he felt liberated and really enjoyed himself. After

this Claus and many other young people felt able to try the suit on and play as the rabbit, filmand take photos. The activity created an interesting focus for the evening and addressedseveral relevant issues; peer pressure, self image, confidence, play, changing perspectives. Italso helped in the forging of my relationships with the young people and staff. Already I feltthem coming onside as I managed to create a little stir every week. The second part of thesession I was able to engage in many interactions with young people. They realised I wasntstaff or anyone official and maybe were intrigued to discover what an artist was. Aconversation with Alisha lead to a video interview. She came up with an idea of filming ourinterview in an odd place, and came up with the title: Serious Conversations in Strange

Places.We finished the session filming an interview together in the disabled toilet, watchedby a small audience (who also joined in with interview heckles!). It was immediately obvious

that this was an idea that could address all the aims I had in mind with Timeout and producesomething that the young people could reflect on and learn from.

Shaun had some criticism after this session. I think he may have been surprised by the rabbitand the presence of the video camera may also have made him feel a little redundant,especially as he was finding it difficult to get young people on camera for his evaluationinterviews. I felt at this stage more liberated when he wasnt present at sessions and Iresented the fact that sometimes his presence took my eye off the ball. I was beginning to

wonder about Shauns learning journey in all this.

Sessions 3/4: Serious Conversations in Strange PlacesThe last 2 sessions were used to create the short film that was produced with the youngpeople.Serious Conversations in Strange Places is an attempt to give the young people aspace or Gap to explore the questions that preoccupy me and that I was asking myself duringthe residency;Do you ask for advice? What does your heart look like? Do you have a soul?What is work? How would you like to die? Where is home?Weighty matters that requiredeep enquiry and that reach out for truth.

I was looking at Jean-Luc Godards work around this time and was intrigued by the videos hemade for TV with Anne-Marie Miville.France/tour/detour/deux/enfants (1977) is a series

of interviews with two french school children on the nature of existance. He has said that oneof the reasonshe made these was in order to understand children better.

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I guess in the same way CW wanted to understand how I as an artist thought, I wanted toknow how the youth would engage with the interview process. The young people at Timeoutdesperately wanted to engage, they were also seeking one to one attention. They wanted to beconsulted about their lives, their thoughts, feelings and perspectives on the world. These

were serious conversations rather than Q&A interviews. In my delivery of the questions Iwas attempting (not always successfully) to be as neutral as possible, with the least amount ofappropriation, reassurance or agreement. My intention was to create a gap for truth toemerge, rather than prompting a clever answer or an answer that might please me asquestioner. Throughout this process, all the meetings and evaluation conversations I was inthe position that the young people were now occupying, but in this instance I wasnt lookingfor an answer from them. I had no expectations. In fact the spaces in-between the questionsand the answers are for me the most engaging; observing the honest enquiry toward somekind of personal truth.

Having had a lot of experience interviewing people on camera this particular role of impartialquestioner was quite a challenge Watching the footage back afterwards I noticed the

difficulty I had in leaving the gap open for the subject to explore, reflect & unravel. I hearmyself rephrasing questions, repeating answers back in agreement, filling the spaces to easethe tension. In the editing I decided at one point to add a layer to the interaction when I feltthis was particularly prevalent; adding onscreen text to describe what was actually happeningin that moment.

He was being watchedShe was being watchedThey were both distracted to some degree

Watching or at least hearing myself in this role I learnt a lot about how I operate in the

artistic engagement. I realised I have a tendency to occupy too much of the space whenmaybe it would be good to ease off, allow things to breathe and take their natural course.Perhaps this is a way of avoiding unpleasant truths and instead paper over the gaps and playnice which for an artist is not especially useful.

A few weeks after the end of the residency I welcomed the chance to return to Timeout withour film for a showing. During the screening it was notable how many of the featured youngpeople either shied away, hid their faces, made some noise or simply left the room when they

were on screen. For many this was the first time they had seen themselves on screen. After itwas shown many of these people immediately wanted to view the film again. The feedback

and reactions to the film reassured me that my aims and intentions were realised to someextent. The young people saw themselves and each other differently. They were surprised byeach other. They also reflected that they were keen to do more filming or would be open toother creative projects. Some suggested that they would like to be the questioner.

I noticed how common it is for adults (myself included) to make the assumption that allyoung people are familiar with technology, including cameras, video cameras, internet andcomputers. Although the equipment may be easily available through schools and youthcentres that doesnt necessarily make it accessible. It is particularly easy for working class

youth to go under the radar in this and many other instances, often through lack ofconfidence or a feeling of entitlement. This may express itself as disinterest, but I am

reminded when working with teenagers (and from my own experience of being a teenager)how unreliable this perception is; the surface often belies what is really going on.

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Chapter 4: Inspirational Art

The responsibility of socially engaged art to me is to provide a space and a voice for thevoiceless in a contemporary world that feeds on contradictions, privilege and ownership.

As I have stated earlier in this essay, I was immediately attracted to working with theInspirational Art Group, so I paid them a visit one lunchtime during one their regular Fridaysessions. Everyone sat around a big table, some eating lunch and others continuing with theirart work. I introduced myself and spoke briefly about the residency, then had variousinformal chats with those I already knew and some new faces. It was a useful meeting to seehow the group operated and how they were intending to move forward at this interestingtime, where they were starting to organise themselves, take more responsibility and discovertheir own autonomy. I also discovered their interests and desires regarding their ownartwork and the work of the group.

The group were keen on the following activities:

Using music Drawing moving figures Finding ways to combine their own words with their images Working together as a group on a collaboration Visiting galleries Trying new things Using pastels and other new materials

The group decided they would like to work with me. Around this time I was working at theBath Artist Studios and suddenly made the link between the two communities that I wasconnected to. I often do this, but do not have enough motivation or personal investment to

take it any further. I put my idea to both parties; to organise a day for the IAG to visit thestudios, meet a selection of artists at work , be shown around the current exhibition andparticipate in a drawing class in the schoolroom. BAS were delighted to connect with otherartists in the community and I asked the IA group to respond to my proposal, when I visitedthem for a second lunchtime with a suggested schedule. Each person was given the space to

write or draw their concerns, worries, hopes and expectations on a piece of paper or talk tomyself or Heather. I was particularly touched when Sarah, who rarely spoke, handed me alovely drawing of how she saw the day (in some aspects very accurate to the reality) so I waspleased that I offered the drawing option and reminded of why I make art. For me it is themost direct way to express myself. Everyone has a way of communicating that is preferable or

most comfortable.

The session following the groups visit to BAS I decided to present a slideshow with music ofphotos that were taken by Shaun and myself of the day. The images of the participants duringthe art lesson, standing behind their easels and in the process of drawing, were mostpowerful. Having this perspective; seeing themselves and each other in this light, as artists,

was very uplifting for all of us and at this stage of my engagement set us on a good path forour learning journey.

With an open and responsive approach, I attempted to see what was there in the group ratherthan focus on what I wanted to do. So what was presented was most prominently a tendency

to inertia, being stuck in patterns of behavior and thought. As a dancer and yoga teacher Iregard the body as an instrument or a tool to experience and express the world, if it becomes

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static for too long, energy may deplete and forward movement, growth and learning maybecome blocked. The need to move became my foremost intention and to challenge theinclination to shy away from action. Exploring movement through visual arts; specificallypainting and drawing, as these were the mediums of the IAG, seemed an intriguing direction.

We worked with pastels to explore the idea of control: using the left and the right hands andthen using both together. We then decided at what point we would change hands; first mecalling the shots and then handing over the responsibility to everyone. Next we tried outclosing our eyes and finally more freely mark making to music, each person using whateverrestrictions they liked when they liked. We discussed afterwards how this felt, why we weredoing the exercise, what we learnt and how we could use this exercise and the learning fromit in our work and how it related to our lives.

I was keen to get bodies moving the following week and started to prepare a framework forthe session. Firstly I addressed the room set up. Every week the table would be set up inexactly the same way. Working so much with physical space in my practice I was verysensitive to this. A change would create more movement and perhaps a new perspective at

the same time. I was aware that for some people this could be most unsettling and send themfurther into retreat, but was prepared to take the risk and deal with the outcome.

The group was split and while one group moved in pairs in a mirroring exercise to music theother half responded with a paintbrush in each hand, standing at a long table covered with asingle long piece of paper. We then swapped over and then talked about the experience, howit felt, what was easy or challenging and whether they would like do it again and if so wouldthey change or adapt it. The ease of movement and expression from individuals who I hadexperienced as mainly sedentary, was truly inspiring. I realised that when I follow an instinct(even if it seems to have a lot of resistance) and keep going with it, it will pay off in the end. I

was also aware of the delicacy of their maneuvering. I started to think about how much I

should push my ideas and how much to ease off. It is amazing to me now as I write this somany months later how synchronistic this process was and how with growing trust in theapproach, theme and direction everything evolved so perfectly. I realise also that in thissession another of our aims was being tested; working together as a group and collaboratingon a single artwork. Which evokes the big question: Who is the author of the work?

The heart became a motif with this group and throughout the residency also providedinspiration for me. I was often playing with the question of whether to follow head or heartand what that actually means. I would also ask myself how my heart felt and draw, write or

visualise what that was:

wind blowing through it

ull to bursting bag of tearsheavy sodden lumpen clay

This need to connect with the heart and to each other felt very present in my sessions withIAG. More than anything they wanted to give, share and support each other. There was astrong bond of love and trust in the group. With this in mind and with my desire to continuethe movement and flow the group had responded so powerfully to, I set a challenge that I felt

they couldnt resist. We set up the table in a horseshoe shape and I started the group up withtheir task: to write and paint words that express how you feel about the group, the challenge

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would take place simultaneously and was put to the group: for at least two people to bemoving (as in the pair mirror exercise) at any one time, continually for an hour. If this wasachieved I agreed to pay comic relief (which was happening that day) 50p a minute.

Appealing to their charitable nature was one aspect, but also feeling that they were connectedwith a national event, a part of something bigger was a significant factor. The session wasexuberant, expressive and celebratory. There was a real joy and connection between us as wemoved as a group playing an unstructured version of follow my leader. Experiencing howeach person interpreted the others movement and through this gained a deeperunderstanding and empathy made me very grateful to be part of it.

The last session with the IAG was to amalgamate our journey. We had talked about what theIAG believed in, its purpose and direction. The group wanted to establish themselves, express

who they were to the outside world and work together to sustain this ethos. We began thesession by watching their movement from the previous week on video projector. We allenjoyed the spectacle and appreciated how well everyone moved. Some people weresurprised at themselves and each other and there was a general consensus to repeat the eventas a charitable fundraiser at a later date. I had proposed the idea to create our own art

manifesto in the form of collage, using the words and images we had created over theprevious weeks. I showed some examples of images and we discussed how we would go aboutthis. I was particularly keen to be quite hands off this session, using only a light touch hereand there. Getting going took some time and there was a point where I really thought it

would fall apart, that nobody would feel able to take the initiative to make any decisions. Irealised what we had planned to do had so many challenges in it. To create a big collage, asingle artwork would mean merging our paintings and drawings as one cohesive work, inorder to do this there would be lots of cutting, overlapping, negotiation and decision making.Potentially a very provocative landscape to be traversing. Holding back eventually paid off astables were set up and moved and rearranged and gradually actions were politely beingtaken. Once individuals found their individual roles and a shape began to emerge, the

momentum grew and a rhythm fell into place. Music was being played throughout and atsome points spontaneous dancing broke out. We even managed to fit in the shared lunch that

was my suggestion at the outset of the residency. The core message of the manifesto wasevident and true and still resonates with me today.

Overcoming Obstacles and Moving Forwards with Confidence

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Chapter 5: Co|Create Event

The residency culminated with a Co-create event in Bath on March 31st. During theorganisation and planning for this, there was a certain amount of confusion, shifting ofresponsibilities and misunderstanding. Most of this was due to the pressure of time. The

whole residency we realised had been quite squashed as time proceeded. In part this wasdown to timing itself. The timeframe I was working within was quite fraught with change, asmany organisations waited for possible cuts and job losses. Also the goalposts for when theresidency had to be finished up by shifted and were not always clear. I decided I wanted totake on the overall responsibility for the shape and content of the day. I thought it wasimportant to accurately express the journey I had been on, as well as representing everyoneelse involved in an appropriate manner. An important part would be the practicalexperiential element and for delegates to actively engage with on their own journey for theday. This was an event for passive spectators. Every part of the Co-create day would reflectthe previous 5 months of my life as Artist in Residence and the most critical point would bethat it painted an honest portrait. As Shaun Naidoo my evaluator expressed quite clearly:

This day is about Marina holding her self to account.

So the majority of the day I was hosting a conference for the first time in my life.My approachto this was the same as the engagement in the residency. In my speeches I was self reflexiveand expressed myself openly, responding to the situation the people in the room. In this wayit is like a performance, but without the thin veil or the mask of character or role. On this daymy role was more me than it had ever been. On this day every group and part of the residency

was represented. I was so pleased that all the participating groups had made the effort to bethere and experience in some way the whole that they were part of. I realised that the onlything I didnt achieve that I set out to do at the start of the process had in some small parthappened. I had intended to connect the groups during the engagement, maybe exchanging

ideas or meeting to share work.

The theme of intervention and restraint was central to the day. The part of the day that wasspecifically about the artist was entitled; The Artists Dilemma: Intervention or Restraint?Looking back over and revising my learning journey during the residency and indeed in themonths since it ended, I am still drawn to this impression. The push and the pull, the giveand the take, the action and inertia, aggression and passivity. These exist constantly and theyare tangibly the material of the artist. How much to intervene? How much to hold back? Thisprecarious balance is where we create, where life is, the gap, the space to breathe. I am somuch aware of this delicate line now because of the residency and I continue to walk it,

moving forward with confidence. Shaun closed his evaluation on the day with a powerfulphrase and one that resonates strongly with me and my practice. In his evaluation of me hestated that he had learnt something from my practice over the course of the residency. And Iguess that it is at this certain point that our learning journeys converge:

the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward

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Chapter 6: Learning and Outcomes (Conclusion)

At the point the residency began in November 2010, I was aware that I needed nurturing asan artist. I began looking outside of myself, challenging my self-sufficient nature. I wasdrawn to to make connections, engage in collaborative work and stretch beyond the confinesof my own expectations, background and environment. At this time I was searching forreassurance and recognition, but sometimes what you want isnt necessarily what you need.Here was an opportunity for challenge and provocation, to expose myself once again to theglare of judgement and criticism. The difference on this occasion was that I wasnt anindependent artist. The framework of the residency provided the support and validation thatallowed me to access my own vulnerability and truth, to hold myself, my practice and beliefsto question. The residency, evaluation, engagement and mentoring put me in constantrelationship with others and presented a space and time to reflect and really explore mypractice. I recovered much of my own truth, which as time goes on (and especially throughthe process of writing this essay) becomes more deeply embedded. The residency was also aGap for me, time and space to work, be engaged with others, a place to be recognised andheld to account and a test of my resilience and experience. I dont feel I can hide in the

shadows any longer as I believe that I have a voice and my voice gets clearer each day.

Kate: Finding yourself again...you lose yourself. I didnt know myself, I didnt recognise myself. I am

no longer hiding away in the dark. I am coming into the light

During the residency I engaged in the following training, workshops & events:

Mental health Awareness training. Professional video camera and sound operation. Editing with Final Cut Pro. Live Art Workshop at Arnolfini, Bristol. Screen Dance Symposium, Brighton University.

Projects and new directions since the residency:

Delivered a lecture about the residency and my work: Bath Artists Studios (26th May) Created an ongoing open collaborative art project: Out into this World. Created a new website: When did you stop playing? Planned collaboration with Sue Larner from BAS. Screen dance collaboration with Jessica Selliti. Currently working with sculptor Doug Clarke on a collaborative project.

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References and web-links

Creativity Workshttp://www.creativityworksforeveryone.co.uk

Andy Warhol Screen-testshttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Screen_Tests_(films)http://www.warholstars.org/filmch/screen.html

Bobby Bakerhttp://www.bobbybakersdailylife.com/news.html

Jill Carterhttp://homepage.mac.com/jill_carter/blog/files/category-museum-of-possibilities.html

Socially Engaged Arthttp://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/theatreblog/2008/may/08/theethicsofsociallyengaged

Naidoo & Associateshttp://www.naidoo.org.uk/

Action Research Living Theoryhttp://www.actionresearch.net/http://www.jeanmcniff.com/ar-booklet.asp

Bath Artists Studioshttp://www.bathartistsstudios.co.uk/

Marcus Steinweg on Duras the Philosopherhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6y-yaZjVDiY

European Graduate School: Zizekhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aR3vfHuOW38

Jean-Luc GoddardSoft and Hard(1985) video by Jean-Luc Godard and Anne-Marie MivilleFrance Tour Dtour (1977) video for TV series by Jean-Luc Godard and Anne-Marie Miville

Marina Sossi website:http://whendidyoustopplaying.tumblr.com/