HOSPICE FRIENDS 401 E. Mt. View Ave.

Suite 3 Ellensburg, WA 98926 www.hospicefriends.net

(509) 962-7379

HOSPICE NEWS

Providing Peace, Comfort, & Care in the Kittitas Valley since 1983

Fall/Winter 2010

The Heal ing Road to Forgiveness

IN THIS ISSUE

• Tree of Love

• The Healing

Road to Forgiveness

• Grieving

Through The Holidays

• Annual Quilt

Raffle

Continued on page 2...

Hospice Friends is a United Way of

Central Washington Partner Agency

Beverly & Jessica in 1996

The longer I am involved with hospice work, I am more and more amazed at the true healing power of forgiveness. Each of us, at some point in our lives will experience pain, anger, disappointment or loss. These come from many aspects of the day to day living process. Some hurts are emo-tional while others are spiritual, economic or physical. The sad reality is that often the source of the pain comes from the ones who we trust the most, and that makes the pain even more confusing and difficult to deal with.

This is the story of one woman’s journey to for-giveness, enlightenment and a new awareness of her ability to rebuild the very foundations of her life.

When I first entered Kari Kincaid’s home I no-ticed three things in the first ten seconds. A plaque just inside the front entrance; “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”, an open Bible sitting on one end of the seating area of her couch and two picture collages filled with young smiling eyes - not the “say cheese” kind but from the heart through the eyes smiling.

These, I learned, were Kari’s two young sons Lane Jr. (they call him “LJ”) and Jack. The boys were home but at the moment they were in “quiet time.” A break from the routine of their home schooling.

As any little guys would have need to do, both found a time to come out of quiet time to see who was there and were inquisitive to know what was going on. I was privileged to meet both LJ (6 years) and Jack (3 years). When their mom intro-

duced them to me, both came forward and held their hands out for a shake accompanied by those smiles yet again and an air of genteel confidence.

Dad, Lane, was at work, mom was at home with two beloved kids, the house was neat and the baking smells in the house were welcoming. Sounds like the perfect family doesn’t it? Well it seemed that way to me too, but it didn’t come naturally for Kari. She and Lane had created it with purpose and determination. There was a reason for that.

Kari was born, Kari Nischl, into a family that may have appeared just as perfect. Her parents were entrepreneurs who owned a glass business. They were young, determined and motivated. Kari remembers her dad being the hard working “fun” guy and her mom being the stereotypical June Cleaver perfect homemaker.

Her mom loved to cook and spent many hours in the kitchen creating scrumptious meals for Kari and her older siblings. Baking, however, was mom’s first love and there were always fresh baked cookies, pies and cakes. The smells from Kari’s kitchen told me that she hadn’t fallen far from the tree in that regard.

Kari remembers her first five years as being noth-ing but pristine. Her family lived in a two story house at the end of a cul-de-sac where she re-members sliding with her brother and sister on pillows down the staircase. She recalls beautiful landscaped gardens and yards that were the result of her parents’ love of gardening. She cherishes memories of beloved family pets, fishing and play-ing golf with her dad in the back yard. Kari so loved to golf that her dad had trimmed down a set of his old clubs for Kari to have as her own.

There was a covered sand box in the back yard replete with sand that had been smuggled from Ocean Shores in a suitcase on one their many trips to the beach. Riding her bike in their circu-lar driveway is also one of her special memories. At around five years old, something changed. The family re-located to a farm house in Kent, WA and nothing was ever the same again.

Soon after the move, things began to unravel. Kari’s parents began to have disagreements. Sub-tle at first, they quickly became heated. The argu-

Kari Kincaid’s Family L to R: Kari, Lane Jr, Lane Sr, Jack

GRIEF SUPPORT GROUPS Cle Elum

1st & 3rd Thursday 6:00—7:00 PM

Elumwood Apts., 2nd & Harris

Ellensburg Every Thursday 5:00—6:00 PM

CWU Science Bldg, Rm 311

P A G E 2

ments were over the usual things and at some point substance abuse entered the picture. The conflicts accelerated to the point of physical alter-cation. Kari learned that hiding in bed with her sister, Jennifer, was a form of protection or at lease escape.

At the age of 9, Kari knew that this was not the way things were supposed to be. There was something out there that was missing. She de-cided that church was her answer and told her parents that she wanted to be baptized.

Her grandmother provided the transportation to the required catechism and Kari was confirmed. The foundation in her faith was laid. But this did-n’t solve the problem at home. Kari knew there was more to faith than baptism but didn’t know how to further explore the depths of her belief. Her parents’ marriage ended when Kari was twelve and she felt abandoned. Left on her own to find her way without the companionship of her father or the nurturing of her mother.

When her mother re-married and gave birth to another child, Kari became the adolescent care-giver for a new baby brother. She knew there was divine presence in her life, but at this young age she was powerless to forge out on her own. She also knew that she did not want to be “like other women in her family” and that she wanted something more. She wanted to break the cycle but it would not be until her 19th year before that plan would begin to come together.

Kari and Lane were arms length co-workers at the Maplewood Golf Course in Renton. Lane, in the restaurant and Kari, in facilities maintenance.

In the beginning Kari was dating someone else and didn’t pay any attention to Lane. Four months later, Kari had ended the relationship with her boyfriend and one day noticed this “cute guy” drive into the parking lot of the golf course.

After weeks of building up her courage, Kari one day left a note on Lane’s car telling him that she was “speechless” around him and asked him to call her. He did.

They met for coffee at a Denny’s restaurant on March 24, 1999 and began “not” seeing each other. For the first four or five months, they had precious little time together. Both were working and had hectic schedules and arranging time to be together was difficult. They communicated back and forth mostly by notes – probably left on their car windshields – and on the rare occasion they could steal some time to be together.

One day Lane left a note for Kari saying “we need to talk.” It would be five hours before they could meet, and Kari was sure that she was being dumped. When finally they did meet, Lane opened the conversation by saying, “we can’t go any further until I know what your belief in Christ is.”

Kari remembers that her first thought was, “this is what I wanted.” That’s when she knew that she and Lane were destined to be together. They began to study the Bible together, and on one occasion, Lane asked Kari if she would close their study session in prayer. Kari remembers that it was then that her conviction had been established and her path to a deeper Christianity was laid out before her.

One year to the day after their first coffee meet-ing at Denny’s, Lane and Kari were married. Four years following that their first son, LJ, was born. In 2006 the young family relocated from Kent to Ellensburg and learned that their family was about to grow again. Jack was born on Christmas morn-ing 2006 and the young couple has never looked back.

Kari’s mom, came for a visit in January 2007 and began talking about moving to Ellensburg someday herself. She had separated from her husband, didn’t like her current job and was ready for change. Her move was delayed.

In December 2007, she became ill and was treated for pneumonia. With no improvement after two months, she asked for a second opinion. That second opinion diagnosed lung cancer. She began rigorous treatment and the lower lobe of her right lung was surgically removed. Kari went to be with her and became her caregiver.

Kari admits that it was a difficult time. Mom was difficult. She would always remind Kari of what she saw as the inadequacies. In her mother’s mind, Kari couldn’t cook, wasn’t raising her chil-dren right, and on an on. Kari knew they had ”differences” but “family takes care of family.”

Following the treatments and surgery, mom was told that she was “cancer free” and began making her plans to move to Ellensburg.

She moved in September of 2008, got an apart-ment, got a job - and life was grand. Kari and Continued on Page 4

You were such a

blessing to our family. You were there with your kind,

helping and loving ways. We all

appreciated you very

much ...a family

touched by Hospice Friends

Every time I drive by

your office, I thank God

you were there to

help with my

mother… ...a daughter

blessed by Hospice Friends

services

The Heal ing Road to Forgiveness

Kari’s Mom with the grandkids

P A G E 3

A major fire and a wind storm have resulted in two new locations for the 2010 Tree of Love Gathering of Remembrance.

In 2009, the Upper Kittitas County Senior Cen-ter tragically burned to the ground and last years’ Cle Elum gathering was held at the South Cle Elum Depot. Also, for many years, thanks to the generosity of Cone Gilreath Law Offices, the Ellensburg tree was located at the corner of 3rd and Pine in downtown Ellensburg. A violent wind storm in June of this year destroyed that beautiful tree and Hospice Friends was faced with the dilemma of finding a new location.

We are proud to announce that the Senior Center has been rebuilt to its original grandeur and thanks to the generosity of our friends at the center the Cle Elum Tree of Love ceremo-nies will be held this year in that brand new facility at 719 East 3rd Street. In Ellensburg, the City of Ellensburg has granted approval to utilize a tree that stands majestically in the Library Plaza on the corner of 3rd and Ruby.

Tree of Love is the annual signature fundraising event for Hospice Friends. Your donations in tribute of loved ones helps ensure the continua-tion of Hospice Friends services for those in need.

This year more than ever, your support is vital to the sustainability of Hospice Friends. 2009 was a record year in terms of the numbers of individuals needing our services. In 2009, thanks to your support, we were blessed to provide services to 683 Kittitas County residents. Thus far (at the end of September) in 2010 that num-ber has already risen to above 700. Please make your commitment now to support...we count on you.

Tree of Love donations in honor or in memory of a loved one go a long way in providing

needed supplies, equipment, and friendship for the elderly and those facing a life-threatening illness.

Please use the enclosed remittance envelope to indicate whomever you wish to honor with your contribution.

Remember that Hospice Friends also ac-cepts online donations. To make a donation online go to the Hospice Friends website at www.hospicefriends.net and click on the “Donate Now” button. All donations are for-warded to Hospice Friends through PayPal’s secure website.

A minimum $50 donation assures that you re-ceive a beautiful keepsake ornament. The 2010 ornament features a holiday candle in hand cast pewter created by House of Morgan Pewter in North Carolina. Supplies are limited; please send your donation in soon to assure your com-memorative gift. . A new option this year includes a personal-ized luminary with the name of your honored or remembered loved one. Lighted luminaries have added to the ambience of the Tree of Love gath-ering for many years. For the first time this year we will create a personalized luminary including the name of the loved one you select as an hon-oree or a person memorialized. Luminaries will be available following the event at both loca-tions, and you can take them to display at your home during the holidays.

Ornaments and receipts for donations will be available for pick up at either of the Tree of Love Receptions.

Tree of Love

In Memory of

Mike Johnson

Grief Support Group

Thank You Notes

Below are excerpts from thank you note from partici-pants in a recent grief support group led by Hospice Friends Chaplain, Janine Yoder Thank you for your help, your understanding and compassion…. Thanks for your dear and powerful presence...and for your friendship… Thank you for your energy and heart… This time together has been so valuable.. You have a special gift, an ability to gently integrate. Thank you for being here when I needed you…. Thanks for helping us through the wilderness of our grief.

Grief Support Groups Work

Please Join Us Your Heart

Will Thank You

Two New Locations This Year for T r e e o f L o v e

GRIEF SUPPORT GROUPS Cle Elum

1st & 3rd Thursday 6:00—7:00 PM

Elumwood Apts., 2nd & Harris

Ellensburg Every Thursday 5:00—6:00 PM

CWU Science Bldg, Rm 311

P A G E 4

Lane were happy to have her close because the boys loved their grandma and they wanted “everybody in the family to move to Ellensburg.”

For a time everything was as it should be. Mom lived less than a mile from Kari and Lane. She doted on her grand kids with lots of hugs, “lap-time” and stories. There were meals shared, birthday parties and in Kari’s words, “she (mom) minded her business.”

Just nine months later she was once again diag-nosed with lung cancer – so much for being “cancer free.”

She quit her job at Fred Meyer, applied for SSI benefits, began chemotherapy treatments and moved in with Kari and Lane’s family in north Ellensburg. The old tapes began to play and Kari was again overwhelmed with the issues between she and her mom. All of the feelings of abandon-ment, her mother’s unrealistic expectations, Kari’s unresolved anger and her feelings of inadequacy burst to the surface. It seems that mom thought of herself as the “perfect” mother; Kari didn’t agree.

There were many disagreements, primarily over the “faith” issue. Kari’s was firm while her mom was struggling. Mom would become angry and go back to western Washington to be with her other daughter or her sister, Ronna. Soon the same arguments would surface on the west side and she would come back to the east side to be with Kari.

On Christmas eve, 2009, mom had a breakdown; the best thing that ever happened for her al-though she didn’t know it at the time. The result of that breakdown caused her to come to terms with her demons and to become conscious of all of her own personal anger. She shared that she was angry that she was destined to die so young, she felt cheated and was frustrated that all of her relationships were in turmoil. She didn’t want to die that way.

She then did exactly the most healthy thing she could have done. She began to see a counselor. She began to heal, not in the physical sense (she still had cancer) but in a mental and spiritual sense. She became aware of the roles that had been played out for her in her own childhood and realized that she had repeated the cycle. She learned that she could choose a different path and begin to forgive herself and forge healthy relation-ships with her children.

During one of her counseling sessions, she invited Kari to participate. Kari, while not sharing the details, says that it was a session in which she and her mom “worked out” their issues. Kari came

away knowing together, they could move forward from this point and begin again. She says, ‘I finally had the mother I expected when she moved in.”

The next few months, which would be final days for mom, the relationship between she and Kari was exactly what both had dreamed of for many years. “My mother taught me more about cook-ing in the last two months than she ever had.” I learned to move into my own forgiveness and it “finally brought me to a place where I could em-pathize with mom’s situation…Now I think of her every time I caramelize onions.”

On a Saturday afternoon in June 2010, mom took her last breath. Family had come from all around to share the final moments with her. In all there were thirty-two present to bid her farewell. Her great niece, Jubilee, was here from Kansas with her family and it was Jubilee’s 6th birthday. In mom’s presence they celebrated with ice cream and cake – mom was included one last time in a family celebration, and this writer believes that she was present in a way that she perhaps had never been able to be before.

Today, Kari knows that her grieving is not done yet. She says that she has had one long crying session that was very healing, but she knows there is more to come. In the end she lost her mother as a child only to find her again as an adult. She is sad knowing that she and her mom had only a short time of togetherness and she feels a bit cheated that the reconciliation couldn’t have hap-pened earlier – but – it’s in God’s hands and when the time is right she knows that all truth will be revealed.

I believe that it is true that when we are hurt often enough, we begin to believe in the negativity that it brings with it and we begin to believe that we are less than who we really are. Forgiving brings us back to a place of self awareness and allows us to more deeply analyze the hurt.

When we ultimately come to a place of sincere forgiveness we realize that the past is the past – yesterday’s news. Only then can we move ahead and stop replaying the memory. The sooner we release the negative, the sooner we begin to heal; to recover and to build; to lovingly move forward and operate in the here and now.

The Heal ing Road to Forgiveness Cont inued from page 2

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you…

Lewis B. Smedes

Seven-Eleven 8th & University

ABC Donuts

Affordable Funeral Care

American Legion

American Legion Auxiliary

Amerititle

Bob's Cabinet Shop

Buzz Inn Steak House

Caring Hands Massage

Cenex

City of Ellensburg Lodging Tax

Copper Kettle

Crossfire Farms

Dan & Jan Farrell

Dean's Towing

Don & Donna Morris

Ed West

Ellensburg Cement Products

E-burg Chamber of Commerce

Entertainment Plus

Fairpoint Communications

Family Eye Clinic

Thank You 2010 Cruisin’ For

Hospice Sponsors

P A G E 5

ELLENSBURG Friday, December 3rd

6:00 PM City Library Plaza 3rd Avenue and Ruby Reception to follow at

Hal Holmes Center

CLE ELUM Saturday, December 4th

6:30 PM Upper County Senior Center

719 East 3rd Street Reception to follow inside

The Senior Center

Hospice Friends cordially invites you to attend the

15th Annual

Tree of Love . . .a Gathering of Remembrance

Please jo in us to remember and honor the peo-ple who are s ignif icant to us and who have

made a difference in each of our l ives .

The lights on the Tree of Love represent the lives of those dear to us, both living and deceased. Each

light is a sign of love, affection and appreciation for precious moments, days, and years shared with a

family member or friend.

Hospice Friends volunteers are standing by to provide transportation upon request. If you would like to attend and need a ride to either of the ceremonies, please call us at (509) 962-7379. Please don’t let lack of transportation

hinder you from attending this meaningful memorial.

Gene & Sandy Ketzenberg

Herbert Snowden Insurance

Jerry Lael Farmers Insurance

Johnson's Auto Glass

Kelleher Motor Co.

Kittitas Co. Farmer's Market

Knudson Lumber Co.

Law Office of Theresa Petrey

Les Schwab Tire Center

Luft Trailer Sales

McDonalds Restaurant

McIntosh Auto Body

Medical Associates of Yakima

Mid State Co-Op

NAPA Auto Parts

Papa Murphy Pizza

Patrick Corporation

Peter & Sally Eberle

R&M Carpentry

R&R Auto Body

Red Horse Drive-Inn

Ron & Merrily Braucht

Sears

Shaw's Furniture

Smitty's Conoco

Gary Starkovich

Starlight Lounge

Valley Mist Farms

Winegars Dairy

Thank You 2010 Cruisin’ For

Hospice Sponsors

Holiday Grief

Support Group

Saturday

November 20th 2:30 - 4:00 pm

Please call for location and information

(509)962-7379

P A G E 6

Grief and loss is one of the most emotionally painful experiences a human being will ever en-counter. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, despair and depression take their toll in any circum-stance. This is particularly true when we experi-ence the loss of anyone close to us.

The winter holiday season is a most difficult time for anyone who has lost a loved one. It is painful at times to be surrounded by the joyousness of the season when you are so aware of the void in your heart. This time of traditions and family gatherings can bring an upsurge of grief.

There is no magic “cure” for this particular kind

of pain, but there are coping skills that have been discovered by those who have navigated this territory of sorrow. There are things to do that will ease the passage through these upcoming weeks that we call The Holiday Season.

“Coping with Grief During the Holidays” is the subject of a professionally guided workshop offered by Hospice Friends in November. The session offers practical strategies, and provides a time for individual sharing and questions.

The workshop is open to anyone who is experi-encing mourning and has a desire to attend. There is no charge. This is another service pro-vided by Hospice Friends as a result of the gener-osity of the donors in our Kittitas County Com-munity.

You are welcome to attend the session. Please call the Hospice Friends office at (509) 962-7379 for more information.

Our Hospice Friends Chaplain is available to meet with you as well. You may e-mail our Chaplain at chaplain@hospicefriends.net.

Holiday Grief Support

Quilt Raffle 2010-2011 Hospice Friends is once again honored to re-ceive a hand crafted quilt created by Mary Kay McPhillips of Ellensburg.

Now in its seventh year, the annual Quilt Raffle kicked off at the Roslyn Sunday Market this sum-mer and will continue until February of 2011. This quilt is very striking and is done in a “Star Fling” pattern in vivid colors of Navy and White.

Donations for tickets are $5 each or six for $25. A full color photo of the quilt will appear soon

on our website.

Tickets are on sale now and will be available at both Tree of Love ceremonies. For more infor-mation, call 509-962-7379 or email to pro-grams@hospicefriends.net. The drawing will be held at the Hospice Friends office on February 23, 2011, at noon.

All proceeds go the further the mission of Hospice Friends and we are grateful for your participation.

“Suppressed

grief

suffocates.

It rages

within the

breast,

and is forced

to multiply

its strength.”

Ovid

The Journey Is Not Mine The journey is not mine. Though this journey will change me, it is not ulti-mately my journey. I walk beside an-other who is finding their way to the

ultimate destination. I am not given the job of steering the course, but instead, my role is companioning.

My job description includes the following: to love unconditionally; to be a non-judgmental, spiritual guide; to listen with my heart; to re-spect their privacy, rights, and spiritual beliefs. My job is not to coerce or impose my beliefs on them, but to allow the Spirit to do it’s job on their journey. Who am I? I am a chaplain for Hospice. I am a companion to the one journeying toward death.

As a chaplain, I advocate for the spiritual needs of hospice patients and provide general spiri-tual guidance for all staff and volunteers as requested.

If a hospice patient is affiliated with a commu-nity of believers, their clergy will be notified if requested, to provide spiritual support. If they are not involved in a local church community or body of believers, their beliefs and wishes regarding spiritual care are respected and hon-ored.

Dying is not only a biological, occurrence, but a human, social, and spiritual event as stated in the book, Death and Spirituality, (Doka & Mor-gan, 1993, p. 11).

The hospice team members and volunteers are “companions along the way” as this is the basis for spiritual care. A companion is defined as one who accepts, nurtures and supports each individual patient’s and family’s belief systems as they make the journey towards death. This spiritual care and support can assist the patient and their family in exploring or discovering spiritual beliefs as well as nurturing and honor-ing the beliefs they currently possess. Spiritual care can provide the family with hope. When the search for meaning becomes apparent in the patient, there is also a search for hope. When there is a loss of meaning, there tends to be a loss of hope as well.

Participating in spirituality can provide the pa-tient with hope and meaning and a quality of life that gives them significance.

A spiritual assessment is a routine practice unless declined by the patient. In the initial spiritual assessment, inquiring about the pa-tient’s individual preferences and needs regard-ing spiritual care at the end of life is crucial.

Commonly asked questions are: Do you have any spiritual concerns? Is there a spiritual community that can be of support to you at this time? What is your faith or belief? The goal of spiritual care following the assessment is to ease, resolve or reconcile spiritual pain and suffering. This may be accomplished through a variety of interventions that facilitate healing of this pain.

Ultimately, it is the goal for the patient and family to be affirmed and grow in their hope and faith through the dying process. The non-judgmental acceptance and support of the pa-tient and family who may reject spirituality or whose belief system differs from my own is also vitally important.

Companioning those who have lost a loved one is continuing the journey after death. Though still not my journey, it has changed me and will continue to change me. Having just finished an 11 week Group session, my heart is tender toward those participants. We shared and have become one unit, joined at the heart.

Grief Support Groups are offered on an as needed/as requested basis. Individual bereave-ment support is also available if a group setting is too uncomfortable. I am not a therapist or licensed counselor. My role is to companion. Drawing from own experiences, my function is to walk alongside each mourner in their jour-ney for healing.

Spirituality is defined by Webster as: A sensitiv-ity or attachment to religious values; the qual-ity or state of being spiritual; something that in ecclesiastical law belongs to the church or to a cleric as such.

Spirituality is having a relationship with a power greater than ourselves that some call God. It is not necessarily related to religion or morality. Rather it is the spirit in each one of us that connects us to ourselves, our soul, and validates our very existence.

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven

where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us

know they are happy.”

Eskimo Proverb

Hospice Friends is a non-profit charitable organi-zation that provides peace, comfort, and care to the elderly and anyone facing a life-threatening

illness in Kittitas County. We work in coordination with Kittitas Valley Home Health & Hospice, a

department of Kittitas Valley Community Hospital, to provide quality care in the home, nursing home,

or hospital in a professional, empathetic, and confidential manner. Hospice Friends promotes a

caring community without affiliation to any specific religious orientation or political view.

All of our services are free of charge.

If you would no longer like to receive mailings from Hospice Friends, please contact us and we will remove you from our mailing list.

Board of Directors

Kirk Eslinger President

Rosemary Meyer Vice-President

Jaqualyn Johnson Secretary/Treasurer

Leslie Berry Jerry Decker

Polly Florence Scott Lukkason Andrew Lyons

Jeff Penick Tish Siegel

Steve Varga

Staff

Roger Hiles Executive Director

Ian Kitts Program Coordinator Janine Yoder

Chaplain

NONPROFIT U.S. POSTAGE

PAID ELLENSBURG WA 98926

PERMIT No. 28 Peace Comfort Care

401 E. Mountain View Ave. • Suite 3 Ellensburg WA 98926

HOSPICE FRIENDS