IDIFFERENT

DRUMS ANDDIFFERENT

DRUMMERSIf I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me thatmy want is wrong.

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correctmy view.

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the samecircumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

Or yet if I act, or faU to act, in the manner of your design foraction, let me be.

I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me.That will come only when you are willing to give up changingme into a copy of you.

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend,or your colleague. If you will allow me any of my own wants,or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, sothat some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong,and might finally appear to you as right—for me. To put upwith me is the first step to understanding me. Not that youembrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longerirritated or disappointed with me for my seeming wayward-ness. And in understanding me you might come to prize my dif-ferences from you, and, far from seeking to change me,preserve and even nurture those differences.

2 Please Understand Me

The point of this book is that people are different from eachother, and that no amount of getting after them is going tochange them. Nor is there any reason to change them, becausethe differences are probably good, not bad.

People are different in fundamental ways. They want differentthings; they have different motives, purposes, aims, values,needs, drives, impulses, urges. Nothing is more fundamentalthan that. They beJieve differently: they think, cognize, con-ceptualize, perceive, understand, comprehend, and cogitatedifferently. And of course, manners of acting and emoting,governed as they are by wants and beliefs, follow suit anddiffer radically among people.

Differences abound and are not at all difficult to see, if onelooks. And it is precisely these variations in behavior and at-titude that trigger in each of us a common response: Seeingothers around us differing from us, we conclude that thesedifferences in individual behavior are but temporary manifes-tations of madness, badness, stupidity, or sickness. In otherwords, we rather naturally account for variations in the be-havior of others in terms of flaw and affliction. Our job, atleast for those near us, would seem to be to correct theseflaws. Our Pygmalion project, then, is to make all those nearus just like us.

Fortunately, this project is impossible. To sculpt the other intoour own likeness fails before it begins. People can't changeform no matter how much and in what manner we requirethem to. Form is inherent, ingrained, indelible. Ask a snake toswallow itself. Ask a person to change form—think or wantdifferently—and you ask the impossible, for it is the thinkingand wanting that is required to change the thinking and want-ing. Form cannot be self-changing.

Of course, some change is possible, but it is a twisting anddistortion of underlying form. Remove the fangs of a lion andbehold a toothless lion, not a domestic cat. Our attempts tochange spouse, offspring, or others can result in change, butthe result is a scar and not a transformation.

The belief that people are fundamentally alike appears to be atwentieth century notion. Probably the idea is related to thegrowth of democracy in the Western world. If we are equalsthen we must be alike. Freud believed we are all driven from

Different Drums and Different Drummers 3

within by Eros, and that what seem to be "higher" motivesare merely disguised versions of Eros. His colleagues and fol-lowers took issue with him, though most retained the idea ofsingular motivation. Adler saw us all seeking power (and laterother things). Sullivan took up the later Adlerian theme andput social solidarity as the basic instinctual craving. Finally,the Existentialists—eg. Fromm—had us seeking after Self. Eachappealed to instinct as purpose, and each made one instinctprimary for everybody.

In 1920 Jung disagreed. He said that people are different infundamental ways even though they all have the same multi-tude of instincts (archetypes) to drive them from within. Oneinstinct is no more important than another. What is impor-tant is our preference for how we "function." Our preferencefor a given "function" is characteristic, and so we may be"typed" by this preference. Thus Jung invented the "functiontypes" or "psychological types."

In 1907 Adickes said man is divided into four world views:dogmatic, agnostic, traditional and innovative. In 1920Kretschmer said abnormal behavior was determined by thetemperament similar to those of Adickes: hyperesthetic, anes-thetic, melancholic and hypomanic. Thus some people areborn too sensitive, some too insensitive, some too serious,some too excitable. Around 1920 Adler spoke similarly bypointing to four "mistaken goals" people of different makepursue when upset: recognition, power, service and revenge.Also in 1920 Spranger told of four human values that setpeople apart: religious, theoretic, economic and artistic. Sothe early twentieth century saw a brief revival of a view pre-sented almost twenty five centuries earlier by Hippocrates,who, in trying to account for behavior, spoke of four tem-peraments clearly corresponding to those of Adickes, Kretsch-mer, Adler and Spranger: choleric, phlegmatic, melancholicand sanguine.

By 1930 the views of Jung as well as those of Adickes,Kretschmer, Adler, Spranger and Hippocrates had all butbeen forgotten, replaced as they were by so called "dynamic"psychology on the one hand and "behaviorist" psychologyon the other. Behavior was now to be explained as due tounconscious motives or to past experience or both. The ideaof temperament was abandoned.

4 Please Understand Me

A revival of the idea of temperament in the. 1950s was acciden-tal. Isabel Myers dusted off Jung's book on psychological typesand with her mother Katheryn Briggs devised the Myers-BriggsType Indicator, a tool for identifying sixteen different patternsof action. The test was used so widely that it created interna-tional interest in the idea of types of people and revivedinterest in Jung's theory of psychological types. But it alsorevived interest in the ancient theory of four temperamentsbecause the sixteen Myers-Briggs types fell neatly into the fourtemperaments of Hippocrates, Adickes, Kretschmer, Sprangerand Adler.

Suppose it is so that people differ in temperament and thattherefore their behavior is just as inborn as their body build.Then we do violence to others when we assume such differ-ences to be flaws and afflictions. In this misunderstanding ofothers we also diminish our ability to predict what they willdo. Likewise, we cannot even reward others should we wantto, since what is reward to us is, very likely, a matter of indif-ference to the other. To each his own, different strokes todifferent folks. To achieve the intent of these sayings will takea lot of work in coming to see our differences as somethingother than flaws.

The payoff of such work is that you can look upon your spouse,for example, as a DIFFERENT person—someone you don'tquite understand, but someone you can, with a sense of puzzle-ment perhaps, gradually come to appreciate. Similarly, you cangain an appreciation of your offspring, parent, superior, sub-ordinate, colleague and friend. Much to gain, nothing to lose.

But first it is necessary to study yourself. If you don't haveyourself accurately portrayed, no way can you portray any-one else accurately. The best way at present to do this is totake the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test. This can be doneby attending a workshop on the Myers-Briggs types or bygoing to a counselor or psychologist who is authorized toadminister this test. In the meantime it may help you to readthis book with more personal involvement than otherwise toanswer the questions on pages 5 through 10. An answer sheetis provided on page 11, with additional copies to be found inthe back of the book. Decide on answer a or b and put acheck mark in the proper column of the answer sheet. Scoringdirections are provided at the bottom of page 11. There areno right or wrong answers since about half the populationagrees with either answer you choose.

Different Drums and Different Drummers

The Keirsey Temperament Sorter

1 At a party do you(a) interact with many, including strangers(b) interact with a few, known to you

2 Are you more(a) realistic

3 Are you more intrigued by(a) facts

4 Are you usually more(a) fair minded

5 Do you tend to be more(a) dispassionate

6 Do you prefer to work(a) to deadlines

(b) philosophically inclined

(b) similes

(b) kind hearted

(b) sympathetic

(b) just "whenever"

(b) somewhat impulsively

8 At parties do you(a) stay late, with increasing energy(b) leave early, with decreased energy

9 Are you a more(a) sensible person

10 Are you more drawn to(a) hard data

11 Is it more natural for you to be(a) fair to others

(b) reflective person

(b) abstruse ideas

(b) nice to others

Please Understand Me

12 In first approaching others are you more(a) impersonal and detached (b) personal and engaging

13 Are you usually more(a) punctual (b) leisurely

14 Does it bother you more having things(a) incomplete * (b) completed

15 In your social groups do you(a) keep abreast of others' happenings(b) get behind on the news

16 Are you usually more interested in(a) specifics * (b) concepts

17 Do you prefer writers who(a) say what they mean (b) use lots of analogies

18 Are you more naturally(a) impartial (b) compassionate

19 In judging are you more likely to be(a) impersonal (b) sentimental

20 Do you usually(a) settle things

21 Are you usually rather(a) quick to agree to a time(b) reluctant to agree to a time

22 In phoning do you(a) just start talking

23 Facts(a) speak for themselves(b) usually require interpretation

(b) keep options open

Different Drums and Different Drummers

24 Do you prefer to work with(a) practical information

25 Are you inclined to be more(a) cool headed

(b) abstract ideas

(b) warm hearted

26 Would you rather be(a) more just than merciful (b) more merciful than just

27 Are you more comfortable(a) setting a schedule (b) putting things off

28 Are you more comfortable with(a) written agreements (b) handshake agreements

29 In company do you(a) start conversations

30 Traditional common sense is(a) usually trustworthy

(b) wait to be approached

(b) often misleading

(b) tender hearted

31 Children often do not(a) make themselves useful enough(b) daydream enough

32 Are you usually more(a) tough minded

33 Are you more(a) firm than gentle (b) gentle than firm

34 Are you more prone to keep things(a) well organized (b) open-ended

35 Do you put more value on the(a) definite (b) variable

Please Understand Me

(b) concept formation

36 Does new interaction with others(a) stimulate and energize you (b) tax your reserves

37 Are you more frequently(a) a practical sort of person(b) an abstract sort of person

38 Which are you drawn to(a) accurate perception

39 Which is more satisfying(a) to discuss an issue thoroughly(b) to arrive at agreement on an issue

40 Which rules you more:(a) your head

41 Are you more comfortable with work(a) contracted (b) done on a casual basis

42 Do you prefer things to be(a) neat and orderly (b) optional

43 Do you prefer(a) many friends with brief contact(b) a few friends with longer contact

44 Are you more drawn to(a) substantial information (b) credible assumptions

45 Are you more interested in(a) production

(b) research

46 Are you more comfortable when you are(a) objective (b) personal

47 Do you value in yourself more that you are(a) unwavering (b) devoted

Different Drums and Different Drummers 9

48 Are you more comfortable with(a) final statements (b) tentative statements

49 Are you more comfortable(a) after a decision (b) before a decision

50 Do you(a) speak easily and at length with strangers(b) find little to say to strangers

51 Are you usually more interested in the(a) particular instance (b) general case

52 Do you feel(a) more practical than ingenious(b) more ingenious than practical

53 Are you typically more a person of(a) clear reason (b) strong feeling

(b) sympathetic54 Are you inclined more to be

(a) fair-minded

55 Is it preferable mostly to(a) make sure things are arranged(b) just let things happen

56 Is it your way more to(a) get things settled

57 When the phone rings do you(a) hasten to get to it first(b) hope someone else will answer

58 Do you prize more in yourself a(a) good sense of reality (b) good imagination

(b) put off settlement

10 Please Understand Me

59 Are you drawn more to(a) fundamentals

60 In judging are you usually more(a) neutral

61 Do you consider yourself more(a) clear headed

(b) overtones

(b) charitable

(b) good willed

62 Are you more prone to(a) schedule events (b) take things as they come

63 Are you a person that is more(a) routinized (b) whimsical

64 Are you more inclined to be(a) easy to approach (b) somewhat reserved

65 Do you have more fun with(a) hands-on experience

66 In writings do you prefer(a) the more literal

67 Are you usually more(a) unbiased

68 Are you typically more(a) just than lenient

69 Is it more like you to(a) make snap judgments(b) delay making judgments

70 Do you tend to be more(a) deliberate than spontaneous(b) spontaneous than deliberate

(b) blue-sky fantasy

(b) the more figurative

(b) compassionate

(b) lenient than just

Different Drums and Different Drummers 11

Answer SheetEnter a check for each answer in the column for a or b

1

8

15

22

29

36

43

50

57

64

i

i

a b

2

9

16

23

30

37

44

51

58

65

2 3

2

a b

3

10

17

24

31

38

45

52

59

66

4 3

3

a b

4

11

18

25

32

39

46

53

60

67

4 5

4

a b

5

12

19

26

33

40

47

54

61

68

6 5

5

a b

6

13

20

27

34

41

48

55

62

69

6 7

6

a b

7

14

21

28

35

42

49

56

63

70

8 7

7

a b

E I S N T F

Directions for Scoring

1. Add down so that the total number of "a" answers is writtenin the box at the bottom of each column (see next page for illus-tration). Do the same for the "b" answers you have checked. Eachof the 14 boxes shoul d have a number in it.

2. Transfer the number in box No. 1 of the answer sheet to boxNo. 1 below the answer sheet. Do this for box No. 2 as well. Note,however, that you have two numbers for boxes 3 through 8. Bringdown the first number for each box beneath the second, as indi-cated by the arrows. Now add all the pairs of numbers and enterthe total in the boxes below the answer sheet, so each box hasonly one number.

12 Please Understand Me

3. Now you have four pairs of numbers. Circle the letter belowthe larger number of each pair (see answer sheet below for illus-tration). If the two numbers of any pair are equal, then circleneither, but put a large Xbelow them and circle it.

l

8

15

22

29

36

43

50

57

64

i

i

(

a

//yyy

yyy8

8S

b

y

/

1

tI

2

9

16

23

30

37

44

51

58

65

2 3

2

a

yyiyyyyyy?

b

y

/

3

10

17

24

31

38

45

52

59

66

4 3

3

a

yyyyyyyyi/;©

b

y

y2//

3N

4

11

18

25

32

39

46

53

60

67

4 5

4

a

0

b

I/

rf

i

>/

y/\fJ(0

5

12

19

26

33

40

47

54

61

68

6 5

5

a

y

/O

1T

b

yyyyyy/y•7/0/i/

If(E

6

13

20

27

34

41

48

55

62

69

6 7

6

\

i

/

/

/

/

y/y/•0

b

0

7

14

21

28

35

42

49

56

63

70

8 7

7

a

/yyyy/y*0i/£/

/;CP

b

y

•y5G\s

°>p

You have now identified your "type." It should be one of thefollowing:

INFPENFPINFJENFJ

ISFPESFPISFJESFJ

INTPENTPINTJENTJ

ISTPESTPISTJESTJ

If you have an X in your type, yours is a mixed type. An X canshow up in any of the four pairs: E or I, S or N, T or F, and

13Different Drums and Different Drummers

J or P. Hence there are 32 mixed types besides the 16 listedabove:

XNTPXNTJXNFPXNFJXSTPXSTJXSFPXSFJ

EXTPEXTJEXFPEXFJIXTPIXTJIXFPIXFJ

ENXPINXPENXJINXJESXPISXPESXJISXJ

ENTXINTXENFXINFXESTXISTXESFXISFX

Having identified type, the task now is to read the type descrip-tion and to decide how well or how poorly the description fits.You will find a description or portrait of your type on thepage indicated in the table of contents. If you have an X inyour type, yours is a combination of two types. If, for example,the E and I scores are equal and the type is, say, XSFJ, thenyou would read both ESFJ and ISFJ portraits and decide foryourself which parts of each description are applicable.

One may also profit from reading the portrait of one's oppositeto see how things are "on the other side." (How one proceedsafter reading one's own type portrait depends largely upontemperament. Some of the types will read several other por-traits before returning to the text, while others will returnimmediately to the text. Some may never read all sixteen ofthe type descriptions.) As will be shown, the typology is use-ful if an observer can distinguish between four types of tem-perament. It is not at all necessary to make these finerdistinctions. However, such differences can become usefulafter long study.

The Four Pairs of Preferences

Having read a description of your type and perhaps a fewother type descriptions, you may well wonder what the "tem-perament sorter" or "type indicator" was based on. What didJung mean by extraversion (E), Introversion (I), sensation (S),intuition (N), thinking (T), feeling (F), perceiving (P), andjudging (J)?

First, it should be noted that Jung did not say that a personis either one or the other of these four pairs. Rather, one canbe extraverted in some degree as well as introverted in some