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Issue: #05 – Too Long; Didn’t Read

DISCLAIMER: This paper is published by a student recognized organization at CCSU. The ideas and opinions produced in this paper are stupid, fake and don’t represent anyone.

SGA Decides New BudgetBy: Ethan Pelletier

The Student Government Association has recently decided on next semester’s budget. SGA historian Marcus Wilmore said, “We decided to hold a bet to see how many people we can fit in six buses and send to the capital. I bet 11, and Senator John Rubio bet 26. I’m pretty sure he’s going to lose the bet.” Other allocations the SGA made include: banquets, $200 scholarships, sword fighting contests, SGA apparel, monkeys, transportation, $400 banners, a hot air balloon for the new SGA President’s inauguration, and stipends for all SGA members. People are concerned that club funding is getting ignored. President of the Parasitic Worm Society said, “I got a budget that’s less than what an SGA member will get as a stipend.” Other clubs expressed concerns over the SGA funding process. Senators do not seem worried about the integrity of the funding process, though. Senator Jon Arbuckle said, “Just because most of us are a member of a club, that does not mean we are biased towards which clubs get money. It’s just that a club would be more likely to get more money if they happen to have a member in the SGA.” One senator expressed distress over the extra work they will have to do as a result of the low acceptance of club funds. Senator Charles Harp said, “I’m really worried about how many clubs will ask for contingency requests. I know that a lot of them will, and I am not ready to sit through endless meetings to hear why Habitat for Humanity needs a shark tank.” SA/LD advisors also expressed worry over the matter. Advisor Darnell Williams said, “I don’t understand why the SGA has decided to deny so much funding to clubs. If they can fund six empty buses, then they can fund a club’s shark tank.” The SGA decided to increase funding for Sports Teams, though, with the claim, “They aren’t for academic integrity, and neither are we.” When confronted over the low funds allocated to clubs, SGA Budget Consultant Chris Brown said, “This is real life. We aren’t dealing with a bunch of high school students. They need to understand what it’s like to struggle with money.”

RA’s Cockfighting Program Controversy

Continues By: Ethan Pelletier

The Hall Council of an unnamed residence hall approved funding for a program that was about the joy of cockfighting. RA Bruce Wills, who proposed it, was attempting to create a community building program that would allow the residents to bond over “the joys and excitement” of a cockfighting ring. The vote for the program was 29-4. Residents were bewildered as to why they voted for the program. Resident Cary O’Leary said, “Usually, there’s no discussion when we vote for something, especially when it’s an RA’s program.” Some residents also felt pressured into voting. Resident Seth Green said, “The president was telling us that we wanted this and to put our hands up. I felt as though I didn’t have a choice. He kept saying that we wanted this.” The President of the Hall Council, Kevin Leopold, said, “I didn’t even notice what we were voting for. The RA said that the money was for chickens, and I thought he meant he was getting wings for the program.” While there was a misunderstanding by the president about the program, the RA who held the program had clear motives. Since the initial reports of the program came out, PETA has been protesting CCSU for endorsing animal cruelty. PETA spokesperson Buck Ribeye said, “We cannot condone a prestigious learning institution teaching its residents about animal fighting.” Statements from the RA who came up with the idea have been ignored, but he managed to appear on CCSU TV eight days ago. In the interview Wills said, “It was just a program about safe sex and condom usage. Next time, I’ll come up with a better title.” People still ignore Wills’ innocence despite the money actually going to condoms and wings, both from Wings Over Newington. Unfortunately, that is the result of only three people watching his interview on CCSU TV.

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– Photo by: Ethan Pelletier

The Musings of Smart Evan: The Burning

BushesComposed by: Evan “Smart Evan” McCarthy

and Ethan Pelletier In light of the tragic bush fires on campus, I have researched the cause of these catastrophes. After days and nights of investigating the matter, I have come to a profound revelation: students were trying to exterminate ants in the Student Center parking lot with magnifying glasses. The attempted genocide of the ants was done to solve the ever-expanding ant epidemic as previously discussed in an earlier Deuces Wild issue. Since the issue’s release, the ants moved to the

mulch. This caused the Habitat for Humanity club to find value in providing the ants a home. However, the ants did not move into the homes, which radicalized some club members. Three of them took to buying magnifying glasses,

which they then used to try to purge the ants. One of the members missed an ant and ignited the mulch instead. Unfortunately, not many people know that the ingredients within mulch are extremely flammable. Amongst the ingredients in mulch are cigarette butts. The butts are known to become flammable once the frictional coefficient, due to the force exerted by a student’s step, reaches a threshold capable of inducing substantial frictional force. This causes the footsteps to generate substantial amounts of heat. Under proper conditions, the momentum of the magnified sunlight can simulate these forces, thereby igniting the cigarette butts. Scientific discussion is all well and good, but it is crucial that we examine the heart of the issue. Students take it upon themselves to remedy the ant problem. The penurious lifestyle of the typical student simply does not allow for fireproof methods of ant decimation. Perhaps if more funding were allocated to the Habitat for Humanity club, investment in proper ant-friendly housing would be possible. The complication here is the source of the funding. The Student Government Association funds the Habitat for Humanity club. The association decided that funding the ant homes would be a waste of their time and resources. Thus, the Habitat for Humanity club resorted to using manure to build the ant homes. Despite the stylish manure houses, the ants stayed in the mulch. The club

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– Photo by: Ethan Pelletier

members became distraught and the result was the fire, which would have been smaller had the members watched where they walked as they ran away from the initial spark. The moral of the story: watch your step.

Central Takes a Stand on Kegs:

Alcohol On-campusBy: Garri Saganenko

In an announcement, which has been brewing since the start of the Spring 2013 semester, Central Connecticut State University President Jack Miller announced last Thursday that Central would be reforming its on-campus alcohol policy. Persons aged 21 and older will now be allowed to carry and consume alcohol on campus. The news broke minutes before “last call” at Elmer’s Place, where Miller and American drinking icon Keith Stone conversed over the pros and cons of what will be colloquially called a “wet campus.” To usher in the change in policy, Miller announced that the University will be actively looking to hire a campus Beermeister. While no candidates have been named yet, Miller hinted that the school is looking at a few candidates from the University of Ireland-Dublin and the University of Germany-Bavaria to fill the position. Furthermore, Miller announced that a campus-sponsored Beer Olympics will take place in early September, with the famed Von Wolfhausen brothers and their accomplice, Barry Badrinath, serving on the inaugural Beer Olympics committee. This news comes amid a fermenting scene of students and faculty alike who wonder what the official campus beer will be. In a move many thought too blatantly narcissistic to make, President Miller proudly announced Miller Lite would receive the bid for official campus sponsorship, with Miller High Life reserved for special occasions. Miller categorized the move as honest and appropriate for the social trends of the time, stating, “Hey, Sacred Heart calls itself a dry campus, but they have a bar in their Student Center. At least we’re being honest about it.” It would appear Miller was right, as the Admissions Office was inundated with applications that expressed “getting slizzard” as a desired major shortly after the announcement. When asked to comment on the reformed alcohol policy as a whole and its expected impact on campus life at CCSU, Miller finished his beer and belched, “It’s the yeast I could do!”

Treasure Island Versus Sesame Street:

SupremacyBy: Ryan Hall

Over the past few years, the Muppets of Treasure Island and Sesame Street have been engaged in a heated battle. The battle between the two Muppet factions began one night when an underground cookie trade between the two went horribly wrong. Oreos were the new thing those days, and if ingested, allowed the user to experience super strength while also being impervious to pain for a short while. The Muppets of Treasure Island, with the help of Doctor Bunsen Honeydew, specialized in the baking and trading of cookies, while the Muppets of Sesame Street distributed them. The night began when Kermit the Frog, along with Gonzo, Fozzy Bear, Beaker, and Animal made their way over to Sesame Street—Animal being the only Muppet that doesn’t do cookies. They traveled swiftly and silently. Kermit swam while Fozzy and the others paddled a canoe. When they arrived at Sesame Street, the five Muppets entered an old abandoned warehouse armed with de-threaders and Play-Doh guns. Kermit reeked of bacon because he had been with Miss Piggy a few hours earlier. Waiting for them in the warehouse were none other than Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, Grover, and Elmo. One thing about Elmo: he may be sweet and lovable on television, but off screen, he is the meanest and most hateful Muppet there is. “Elmo wants to know where the fuck Ernie is!” “He’s at home playing with himself,” replied Bert. “What?” retorted Elmo. “You know, with his rubber ducky,” responded Bert. After that awkward interaction, Elmo ignored Bert and faced the Muppets of Treasure Island. “Okay, assholes. Elmo wants Oreos.” Kermit reached into a bag and pulled out a large stash of crumpled up Oreos. He tossed them on the table.

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“There they are,” said Kermit. “Do you have my Samoas?” “Yeah, Elmo’s got that shit,” said Elmo. Big Bird handed over the bag of crumpled up Samoas to Kermit, who immediately opened it and began stuffing his face. After a few minutes, Kermit became enraged. He screamed at Elmo, “You son of a bitch! You said these would make me happy and alert! I feel tired and stupid.” Kermit pulled out his Play-Doh gun and shot Bert in the face. The lethal ball of Play-Doh sliced straight through Bert’s head with his stuffing splattering the floor. “Muppetfucker!” shouted Oscar the Grouch, who immediately leapt out of his trash can armed with a de-threader with his lid as a shield. The battle had commenced. With his de-threader, Oscar tore the stitching from Fozzy Bear’s neck, partially decapitating him. Fozzy’s head hung from his body by a few threads like a tether ball. Immediately, with his trash can lid, Oscar swung at Fozzy’s head, tearing it away from his body. Like a soccer ball, Fozzy’s head rolled away as Elmo and Kermit confronted one another in hand-to-hand combat. For the majority of the time, the fight was even, but then the Oreos began to kick in. Elmo immediately displayed crazy kung fu madness and began whooping Kermit’s ass. With a well-placed shot, Gonzo was able to hit Elmo with a ball of Play-Doh, cutting his abdomen. Elmo stumbled and began to retreat. As he did, some stuffing fell from his gut. “Elmo ain’t about this shit,” he said as he struggled to remain on his feet. He then climbed onto Snuffy’s back. Together they rode into the darkness. Kermit loaded three balls of Play-Doh into his gun and aimed at Oscar, who was choking Gonzo with Gonzo’s own legs. Kermit fired a lethal ball of Play-Doh straight at Oscar’s groin. Like lighting, Oscar blocked his crotch with his trash can lid rebounding the ball of Play-Doh straight back at Kermit. The ball of Play-Doh severed Kermit’s leg. Kermit croaked in horror and began dragging himself to the boat. Grover was flying high in the sky, being of no use to anyone at all while eating a bag of Thin Mints. Oscar had finished off Gonzo, leaving a panicking Beaker to do nothing but make a bunch of dumb-ass noises. The sun began to rise as Kermit hobbled into the canoe, along with Beaker and Animal. One of Animal’s drumsticks had been stuck straight through his head. The Muppets from Sesame Street left the confrontation the victors. The battle was over, but the war had just begun. With a simple act of negligence, and a failure to consider the side effects of certain cookies, the Muppets would soon create their own demise. – Worth1000.com

Feel free to contact us at “deuces_wild@aol.com” if you’re interested in the club.

Saying of the Week:

Editor’s Note:

– True Facts

“F.I.N.A.L.S – Fuck, I never actually learned shit”

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Meet The Staff:The minds behind the Deuce

Ethan Pelletier:Founder of the Deuces Wild, President Spring 2013, Writer Alexander Wrobel:President of Fall 2013, PR Officer Spring 2013, Writer

John Thaler:Creative Director of Fall 2013, Graphic Designer Spring 2013

Aida Fung: PR Officer Fall 2013

Maxine Eichen:Managing Editor Fall 2013, Copy Editor Spring 2013

Ryan Tice:Scribe Fall 2013, Copy Editor Spring 2013

Kamil Wojnowski:Copy Editor Fall 2013, Managing Editor Spring 2013

Justin Craig:Treasurer Spring 2013

Remy Cecile Boudreau:Copy Editor Spring 2013

Ryan Hall:General Member, Writer

Ryan Soracco:General Member

Nick Dragon:General Member, Writer

Garri Saganenko:General Member, Writer

Justin Slater:General Member

Kimberly Barrington:General Member, Writer

Evan Whittaker:General Member, Writer

Evan McCarthy:General Member, Writer

Starting above, left to right: Alexander Wrobel, John Thaler, Ryan Tice, Ryan Hall, Jessica Tilow, Nick Dragon, Britt Dottori, Kimberly Barrington, Kamil Wojnowski, Amanda Goodwin, Ethan Pelletier, Anne Masella, Garri Saganenko, Maxine Eichen, Handel Sam, Aida Fung, Smart Evan

As founder of the Deuces Wild, I am proud to announce that the club will be continuing with capable people. I am graduating this semester, but no matter how far away my travels will bring me, I know that the Deuces Wild Club will be in capable hands. The people who will be running the club next year have many ideas and are a enthusiastic group of students. They want to produce the best possible issues for the reader’s entertainments. I created this club for many reasons, but the most important one was to give the campus a publication that wasn’t demanding to join and was based in comedy. Whether I have succeeded in this depends on each person’s perspective. The CCSU campus has given me many different experiences that I will never forget. I lived in Vance Hall and met many close friends and despite not seeing them anymore, I find that we still share a bond over a dorm that had many strange aspects which would scare away most people. The entire campus has many qualities that people consistantly discuss and some people may wonder why they come to this school. Based off my own experiences, I think what keeps people at this school is different to each person. One person told me that people treat each other much better at this college than his old college. Other people tell me that they enjoy the campus because of the community it offers. I stayed at CCSU because this college has involved me in many different and bizarre experiences. They became something that I wanted to write about within this publication. That is why my writing pieces are making fun of the way the campus runs itself. The parody piece I wrote about the food served at Memorial Hall was based on my perception of how they seem to serve the same food, sometimes splashing on a different sauce and calling it something new. This campus has granted me the ability to start a publication and as a result, I have turned a dream into reality. I am passing this dream onto people who I know will continue to make it a reality. I want to thank everyone who has supported us and helped to create this club.

– Ethan Pelletier