DEALING WITH DIFFICULT STUDENTS and CONFLICT RESOLUTION

STUDENT COUNSELING & RESOURCE CENTER

Yolanda Harris, LPC, CAC III,Coordinator of SCRC

Christine Chavez, PsyDCounselor of SCRC

SCRC PROVIDES

• Confidential crisis intervention (up to 3 sessions)

• Supportive listening and problem solving

• Consultation on student concerns

• Referrals to college and community resources for support and wellness

WORKSHOP OUTLINE• The 10 most unwanted list (difficult

behaviors)• Strategies for dealing with difficult

behavior• Dealing with the disruptive student• Identify conflict styles • Communicate effectively to avoid conflict• From conflict to cooperation• Listen to understand• Speak to be understood• How to change your attitude• Communication in a digital age• Resolve and manage conflict

10 Specific Behavior Patterns

1. THE TANK confrontational, pointed, and angry, the ultimate in pushy and aggressive behavior.

2. THE SNIPER whether through rude comments, biting sarcasm, or a well-timed roll of the eyes, making you look foolish.

3. THE GRENADE after a brief period of calm, the grenade explodes into unfocused ranting and raving about things that have nothing to do with the present circumstances.

4. THE KNOW-IT-ALL seldom in doubt, the Know-It-All has a low tolerance for correction and contradiction. If something goes wrong, they will speak with the same authority about who’s to blame----YOU!

5. THE THINK-THEY-KNOW-IT-ALL can’t fool all of the people all of the time, but they can fool some of the people enough of the time, and enough of the people all of the time—all for the sake of getting some attention.

6. THE “YES” PERSON in an effort to please people and avoid confrontation,

“Yes” People say yes without thinking through. They react to the latest demands on their time by forgetting prior commitments, and they overcommit until they have no time for themselves. Then they become respectful.

7. THE MAYBE PERSON procrastinates in the hope that a better choice will present itself. Sadly, with most decisions, there comes a point when it is too little, too late, and the decision makes itself.

8. THE NOTHING PERSON no verbal feedback, no nonverbal feedback. Nothing. What else could you expect from… the Nothing Person.

9. THE “NO” PERSON fights a never ending battle for futility, hopelessness, and despair

10. THE WHINER feel helpless and overwhelmed by an unfair world. Their standard is perfection, and no one and nothing measures up to it. But misery loves company, so they bring their problems to you. Offering solutions makes you bad company, so their whining escalates.

LENS OF UNDERSTANDING• people are creatures of habit

• when our needs are not met, we react

• the stronger the need, the stronger the reaction

• people respond predictably during times of challenge, difficulty, or stress - becoming either more passive or more aggressive than normal

LENS OF UNDERSTANDING

Danger Zone Passive

Danger Zone Aggressive

Danger ZonePeople Focus

Danger Zone Task Focus

Cooperation

Zone

Caution Zone

Caution Zone

Caution

Zone

Caution

Zone

Get Task Right Get Task Done

Get Along Get Appreciated

PERFECTION CONTROL

APPROVAL ATTEN

TION

Martyr

Grenade

Meddler

Nothing Person

Whiner

“No” Person

Nothing Person

JudgeTank

Sniper

Know-It-All

Grenade

Sniper

Think-They-Know-It-All“Maybe” Person

“Yes” Person

Nothing Person

DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR

Repeated, continuous, and/or physically, verbally or psychologically harassing, threatening, or acting abusively toward an instructor, staff member, or toward other students in any activity authorized by the College.

1)is disrespectful, offensive, and/or threatening 2)interferes with the learning activities of other students3)impedes the delivery of college services4)has a negative impact in any learning environment - including staff offices, the Library, the computing center, the tutoring center, labs, service learning sites, etc.

DEALING WITH DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS

• Step Back: try to stay focused and NOT take attacks personally, or to become defensive

• Put Yourself in the Student’s Shoes: every behavior has an intent or purpose and people do what they do based on what seems to be most important for any given moment

• Listen Actively: identify need, desire, concern, fear

• Clarify the Situation: use open-ended questions (such as how, what, why, who) and restate the issue to describe your understanding of the situation

DEALING WITH DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS - cont.

• Acknowledge: offer an apology (if appropriate) and restate their need, desire, concern, or fear

• Educate: see all conflicts as an opportunity to educate the student(s) involved

• Use “I” Statements: own the problem and giving the student an easy opportunity to save face and get back on task

• Be Consistent: as consistent as you can when handling each individual occurrence

• Use the Power of SILENCEhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfC4u5GCy3I

CONFLICT RESOLUTIONAnother complication to conflict is how people react to it. Conflict is usually riddled with feelings of anger and hurt.  John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Relationship Institute, spent years studying how people reacted to conflict. He says that masters and disasters of relationships have distinct patterns of dealing with conflict. Gottman found that people who are ineffective in arguments use what he calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse:

1.Contempt2.Criticism3.Defensiveness4.Stonewalling

RESPONSES TO CONFLICT1. Contempt: mean, irritated, disrespectful, or when using

sarcasm such as rolling your eyes. Contempt is toxic to relationships, and people who use this are most at risk for having unsuccessful relationships—relationship disasters.

2. Criticism: This can easily become a bad habit. It’s especially harmful in an argument, for instance in responding to a person who is upset and mispronounces a word or uses flawed English.

3. Defensiveness: feeling accused usually escalates the conflict

4. Stonewalling: avoiding conflict or anything else by shutting down (examples: the silent treatment, looking away, or not responding to questions)

WHAT IS YOUR CONFLICT STYLE?

• In the 1970s Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann identified 5 main styles of dealing with conflict that vary in their degrees of cooperativeness and assertiveness.

• They argued that people typically have a preferred conflict resolution style. However they also noted that different styles were most useful in different situations.

• TKI (Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument) identifies which style you tend towards when conflict arises.

Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)

COMPETITION

AVOIDANCE ACCOMMODATION

COLLABORATION

COMPROMISE

ASSERTIVE

HIGH

LOW

LOW

HIGHCOOPERATIVE

AVOIDANCE 1 of 5

GOAL: to DELAY

STYLE: non-confrontational - usually, the original problem is not even directly addressed or resolved

MANTRA: Ignore it, and it will go away.

BENEFIT: gives you time

USEFUL: if used for a “cooling off” period

DOWNFALL: weak / ineffective approach &can cause build up resentment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5sBRLZLPTY

AVOIDANCE

ASSERTIVE

LOW

LOW

COOPERATIVE

ACCOMMODATION 2 of 5

GOAL: to YIELD STYLE: non-assertive, but cooperative – even at the expense of your own goals MANTRA: Smooth things over at all costs. BENEFIT: others benefit more from this styleUSEFUL: when the other party is the expert or has a better solution

also effective for preserving future relations with the other party or collecting on a “favor” you gave them

DOWNFALL: meet the needs of others at the expense of your own needs

in general, this approach is unlikely to give the best outcomes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_umreW608I

ACCOMMODATIONASSERTIVE

LOW

HIGHCOOPERATIVE

COMPETITION 3 of 5

GOAL: to WIN

STYLE: force - through power, position, status,

expertise, or persuasive abilities

MANTRA: I know what I want and I’m going to get it.

BENEFIT: get your point across quickly tell people what you want stand-up for what you think is right

USEFUL: in emergencieswith an unpopular decisiondefense

DOWNFALL: will cause resentment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD8t4BEwz5g

COMPETITION

ASSERTIVE

HIGH

LOW COOPERATIVE

COMPROMISE 4 of 5GOAL: to find a MIDDLE ground STYLE: assertive but cooperative MANTRA: You’ve got to give up something to get something.BENEFIT: find a solution that will partially satisfy everyoneUSEFUL: when the cost of conflict is higher than the cost of losing ground

opponents are at a standstill deadline looming outcome has moderate or little impact

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udfEnC1kJZ8

DOWNFALL: “lose-lose” - neither party really achieves what they want

can cause resentment if you feel that you never get your way

COMPROMISE

ASSERTIVE

HIGH

LOW

LOW

HIGHCOOPERATIVE

COLLABORATION 5 of 5

GOAL: to find a WIN / WIN solution STYLE: assertive and cooperativeMANTRA: Let’s try to meet the needs of everyone involved. BENEFIT: can create ideal outcome

everyone feels heardrecognize all parties

USEFUL: to get the best solutionprevious conflictswhen too important for a simple trade-off

DOWNFALL: complex & time-consumingneed to get everybody on boardneed trust to reach a consensus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SzYIpX5qdo

COLLABORATION

ASSERTIVE

HIGH

HIGHCOOPERATIVE

LISTENING SKILLS EXERCISE

• Divide the group into pairs

• Select one person as the speaker

• Select one person as the listener

• One minute speaking exercise

• Switch Speaker/Listener

DEBRIEF

• We communicate our interest while listening by:

Verbal responses &

Body language

LISTEN IN 3 CHANNELS

• VERBAL – the actual words used• (7%)

• VOCAL - tone, inflection, volume,

speed, tempo, pitch of voice

• (38%)

• NON-VERBAL - body language • (55%)

LISTENING SKILLS

• Eye contact• No interruptions• Attentive body language

• Not judgmental• Repeat some words of speaker

• Focus on points of agreement

• No eye contact• Constant interruptions

• Inattentive body language

• Verbal fillers• Distractions• Kidnap their story

AGAINSTFOR

TOTAL LISTENING

• Just listen• Repeat

• Summarize

• Check for understanding

NON-VERBAL LISTENING• Mirror - body posture, expressions,

& degree of animation• Private setting

(if possible)•

• Match speaker’s volume & speed (**anger is the exception**)

• ASK clarifying questions

• Identify what they really want

ATTITUDE

Life is 10% what happens to me

and 90% how I react to it!

CHANGE ATTITUDE• Emphasize Similarities

• Finding Common Ground

• Reduce Differences

• Communication

DIGITAL COMMUNICATION

Misunderstandings are a

miscommunication epidemic

;)

• Read again• Second opinion• Do not use jokes• It is okay to use emoticons.

RESOLVE AND MANAGE CONFLICT

Monitor voice’s tone, pitch, volume, pace, etc.

Be positive about your response

Tactfully interrupt Focus on the issue, not the student

Ask clarifying questions

Listen attentively

Blend and Redirect

WORDS OF WISDOM“Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.”

“Forgive your enemies. It messes with their minds.”

“Don’t corner something meaner than you.”

“Remember, silence is sometimes the best answer.”

FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONTACT…

Pikes Peak Community CollegeStudent Counseling and Resource Center

(719) 502-4782

Yolanda Harris, LPC, CAC IIIyolanda.harris@ppcc.edu

(719) 502-4689

Christine Chavez, PsyDchristine.chavez@ppcc.ed

u(719) 502-4688