Dawn S. TraynorUniversity of North Carolina at Charlottedtraynor@uncc.edu

HOW UNDERSTANDING THE GRIEVING PROCESS MAKES US BETTER ADVISORS

IntroductionsGrief and the Grieving ProcessThe Advising ConnectionChallengesOur RoleCase StudiesWrapping it Up

OVERVIEW

Grief is the natural emotional reaction to lossDiffers from “bereavement,” which is the loss itself

Can be physical or abstractPhysical – Loss of family member or friendAbstract – Loss of an idea or ideal

Looks different for every personBecause it is an emotional response,

grief can change moment to momentOften referred to as “The Grieving Process”

WHAT IS GRIEF?

Relationship to the situationPersonalityPersonal belief systemSupport systemPrior experience with griefType of grief

AnticipatoryUnanticipatedAmbiguous

FACTORS THAT IMPACT GRIEF

On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Five stages of griefDenialAngerBargainingDepressionAcceptance

Fair warning: It’s messy!

THE GRIEVING PROCESS

Grieving an idea or ideal“The life I had planned for myself”Changing major or career direction

Voluntary versus involuntary changeInvoluntary change in advising: For any number of reasons, (at that time) student is no longer able to progress in their chosen major or career

THE ADVISING CONNECTION

A student who has been planning to be a doctor since she was a child finds she is unable to earn high enough MCAT scores to get into med school.

A student who had always done well in high school struggles with the academic transition to college, is put on probation at the end of his freshman year, and must choose a new major as he is no longer able to progress in the College of Engineering.

A student returning from academic suspension finds that her GPA is so low she is unable to declare her preferred major.

EXAMPLES

Student refuses to acknowledge or accept the circumstancesVisits various campus offices, convinced that a different faculty or staff member will give him a different answer

Insists that there was a problem with a grade on his transcript or that his parents are working with the dean to get things worked out

Avoids making a choice regarding a new major or career in spite of looming deadlines

DENIAL

Student becomes extremely emotional with (often misplaced) frustration and rageTakes out her frustrations on people unrelated to the situation

Makes unrealistic demandsUses phrases like “It’s just not fair!” or “Why is this happening to me?”

Appears unwilling to listen to reason

ANGER

Student attempts to undo or negotiate a way to avoid giving up the life they had planned Begs for “one more chance” or promises that “it will be different this time”

Reaches out to someone he thinks can change things Often a professor who he feels may raise a

previously-assigned gradeClaims he had extenuating circumstances

At this point most students know their efforts are in vain, but they are not yet ready to let go and move on

BARGAINING

Student begins to accept the certainty of their situation and “give up”Seems stagnant or unwilling to consider another option besides the plan she’s being asked to let go

Says she doesn’t care about what happens, since it’s not what she had originally intended

Claims to be considering transferring or taking time off from college

Acknowledges this is really happeningImportant to remember your limitations

DEPRESSION

Student is able to see the value of other options and picture themselves fulfilling a new life planBegins exploring other major optionsVisits the career center for information on alternative paths to his chosen career

Admits his role in the situationImportant to note: Even though a student

may be showing signs of acceptance, they may still be very much grieving the loss of their plans

ACCEPTANCE

Students who are cut from selective majors in spite of “doing everything right”

Students being forced to make a new major decision when they are only in the early stages of grieving

Can’t push students through the stages Some students may regress, others may have already

processed through themStudents who are unwilling or unable to let

themselves process through what is happening

CHALLENGES

Respect student individualityIdentify where a student falls in the

grieving process“Have you given yourself permission to be disappointed that things didn’t work out the way you were expecting them to?”

Keep the student on track academicallyWhat are their options? Are there courses they can take that will count towards many majors?

Be honest

OUR ROLE

Help a student move through the stages in their own way and time while keeping the focus on their ultimate goalsAcknowledge the student’s frustration and disappointment

Give them time and space as much as possibleReframe and refocusAvoid the blame gameOffer concrete solutionsDevelop new goalsRemind them of your support

OUR ROLE

In your group, determine what stage of the grieving process your student may be in.

Then come up with two or three things you can say and/or do to help the student understand, deal with, and move on through their grief.

Choose a group member who will share with us!

CASE STUDIES

Dawn S. TraynorAssociate Director for Learning Strategies and

InstructionUniversity Center for Academic ExcellenceUniversity of North Carolina at Charlotte

dtraynor@uncc.edu

QUESTIONS? THOUGHTS?

Bryant, C., & Clark, J. (2013, April 1). How grief works. Stuff You Should Know Podcast. Podcast retrieved from http://www.stuffyoushouldknow.com/podcasts/grief-works/

Capuzi Simon, C. (2012, November 4). Major decisions. The New York Times. P. ED13.

Hoyt, Alia. (2008, July 18). How grief works. Retrieved from http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/grief.htm

Kubler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy, and their own families. Scribner: New York.

Reynolds, M. M. (2004). Now what? Some thoughts on advising students in selective majors from a faculty member with no training as a counselor. Retrieved from http://www.nacada.ksu.edu/Clearinghouse/AdvisingIssues/SelectiveMajors.htm

RESOURCES