CT 410 Advanced Interpersonal Communication Struggling in Relationships
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Transcript of CT 410 Advanced Interpersonal Communication Struggling in Relationships
CT 410 Advanced Interpersonal Communication
Struggling in Relationships
gardening metaphor for relationship
Miller: assertive message
• concrete behavior
• interpretation
• feelings
• consequences
Do interests converge or diverge?
Negotiations (Steve’s version)
• Competitive bargaining
• Collaborative bargaining
• Interpersonal bargaining
Goals
• to win
• mutual benefit
• greater good, transformation
Bargaining Approach
• competitive
• outcomes interdependent
• cooperative, ecologically interdependent
What Counts as Evidence?
• what we want/need
• objective criteria
• emotions, reason, empirical evidence, community values
Communication Style
• formal, no trust, hostility
• collegial, substantial trust
• dialogic, significant trust & vulnerability, caring
Assumptions about Communication
• communication as container of meaning
• communication as linkage• communication as performance,
voice, narrative
Assumptions about Structure
• hierarchical, authority based
• hierarchical, input encouraged
• egalitarian, democratic
Leadership Behaviors
• directive• participative
• flexible, servant leadership
Standpoint or Location
• traditional self-interest• enlightened self-interest
• feminist, communitarian
Perspective on Bargaining
• discrete event
• processual during bargaining process
• processual, continuously ongoing
Question Pious Assumptions
use a perspective by incongruity
Become aware of your illusions
known to self
not known to self
known to others
not known to others
open
hidden
blind
unknown
johari window
Bochner: self disclosure is a highly overrated activity.
personal values - Magritte
Bochner: long term relationships are maintained by illusions of truth, exaggerations of goodness, and less than full communication
Kaminer: we live in a cult of victimage
Are we entitled to be happy?
. . . life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
relationships need a spirit of improvisation.
When might we not be direct, honest and straightforward?
• hurt feelings
• cause anger
• damage relationship
• lose face
equivocation operates under conditions of uncertainty.
Julia Wood #2
assertive yielding
constructive
destructive
exit neglect
loyaltyvoice
Gender differences in conflict
• females talk to maintain relationships
• males become aggressive
• females enable conversation
• males get higher blood pressure
• females are trained to be sensitive
• males use exit and neglect strategies
• females use loyalty and voice strategies
Harriet LernerWho is responsible for what????
Kilmann and Thomas Conflict Management Model
concernfor self
non-assertion
assertion
concernfor other
non-cooperation cooperationavoid accomodate
compete collaborate
compromise
identify personal preferences for fight patterns, and discuss this in relationships.• avoid
• accommodate
• compete
• compromise
• collaborate
• avoid - avoid
• avoid - accommodate
• avoid - compete
• avoid - compromise
• avoid - collaborate
• accommodate - accommodate
• accommodate - compete
• accommodate - compromise
• accommodate - collaborate
• compete - compete
• compete - compromise
• compete - collaborate
• compromise - compromise
• compromise - collaborate
• collaborate - collaborate
We place responsibility for what happens in a relationship either in ourselves, the other person, or perhaps in the luck of the situation.
ponder these:your parent calls and asks how you are doing in your classes. You don’t think you are doing as well as he/she would like you to do.
your roommate asks what you think of the bright posters they’ve just put up around the room. You think they are a bit tacky.
Your romantic partner asks how many other people you’ve really loved before you met her/him. You don’t want to be truthful.
Your boss at work wants to know what your plans for the future are. You plan to leave as soon as you find a better job.
Your mother asks you about what your brother/sister has been up to lately. They have been doing something she wouldn’t be happy to hear.
Your romantic partner wants to know why you are spending so much time with your other friends. You have been bored with the relationship lately.
Gottman - two marriages: his and hers• men have a harder time
recovering from being upset - blood pressure & heart rate rise higher and stay high longer.
• physiologically men don’t need to relate to people as much as women . . .
a relation ship . . . who tends to be in-charge?
In order to keep a man engaged in a difficult discussion, a woman often raises the intensity to keep the man responsive.