CHILDREN OF DIVORCED AND BLENDED FAMILIES

Meeting the Needs of “New” Families! CH. 6 pg.. 183

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ld9TNx3ig1w

Background Info.:• “Some statistics indicate that more than one third of

children in the U.S. can expect that before their 18th birthday, their parents will divorce.”

• “Recent research indicates that divorce can have a major effect on the long-term development of an individual’s attitudinal and emotional development.”

• “The divorce rate for first marriages is approximately 50%.

• The divorce rate for remarriages is even higher.

Theme 1: Divorce in the new millennium in the U.S. includes many definitions and demographic

descriptors.

• Divorce- “the legal process of two individuals dissolving a marriage relationship or the dissolution of a marriage bond by legal process or by accepted custom.”

• Blended Family- “defined as a family in which one or both spouses in a remarriage have a child or children by a former marriage.

• Other terms used to describe blended families are “reconstituted families, stepfamilies, and reorganize, combined, or remarried families.

Special Problems Faced by Children and Parents Experiencing the Divorce Process:

• For Schools, the issues related to divorce are many and include; technical aspects such as keeping track of the child’s last name, living arrangements, and who has primary custody, and serious concerns such as issues of entry and exit, the moving back and forth between custodial and non-custodial parents and possible custodial disagreements, which can result in intense parental disputes on the school grounds or even a kidnapping situation.

Typical Child and Parent Emotions in Divorce:

• Parents’ emotions at the time of separation or divorce range from relief that a bad relationship is over to severe depression.

• Common emotions and respective verbal expressions of divorcing parents include: “failure, shame, guilt, insecurity, and sensitivity”.

Typical Child and Parent Emotions in Divorce (cont.)

• The nature of a child’s reaction to divorce depends on many factors:”strength of ego, age, gender, relationship with parents, extended family support, communication and understanding about divorce, perceived support at school or church, and with in the community.”

• The possible emotional reactions of children may include:” sadness, depression, denial, embarrassment, anger, guilt, concern about being cared for, regression, maturity, and physical symptoms.”

Children’s Responses in the Classroom to Divorce:

• Children will explicitly state that they want their teacher to know about a separation or divorce so that the teacher will be more tolerant and understanding of their behavior.

• “For the preoperational child, including infants, toddlers, and preschoolers, reactions can be intense.”

• Separation distress can occur in children even after months of showing no signs.

• However, children are resilient, and 80-90% of them recover from the initial shock of divorce in about a year.

Theme 2: Children and parents who are experiencing the divorce process have special needs and issues, and

teachers who work with these families in the classroom setting benefit by knowing about these special concerns.

• In general, teachers should remain as neutral as possible and focus should continue to be on the child’s well-being, not on making judgements about the parents.

• In the process of objectively listening to a divorcing parent, the teacher can provide emotional support and also collect much needed information.

• Teacher can take the divorce into account and see the child's stress level and adjust classroom expectations.

Teacher-Parent Response:

• Parents simply need support during this time and the teacher can convey this support and concern by asking for a separate meeting with each parents to discuss how the child is doing in class and any issues that seem relevant.

• Mostly, parents need someone to listen.

Teacher Self-Assessment of Divorce:• Teachers need to consider their own feelings and attitudes

about divorce.

• During self-assessment teachers should ask themselves:

• What are my value judgements about divorce?

• Can I be truly objective with a parent who is divorcing?

• What appropriate agencies can I refer parents for assistance?

• Can I separate my own personal feelings about divorce from my actions and attitudes toward the children I teach?

The Need for Order and Consistency:• Because the home situation seems so unstable and even

frightening at this time, school can actually serve as a haven and constructive outlet for a child.

• Parents experience disorganization, depression, unmanageable restlessness, and a chaotic search for escape from distress immediately after separation.

• Giving the children a chance to feel in control in the classroom will help alleviate the out-of-control feelings they experience related to their families.

Theme 3: Blended families are complex entities and they face special problems and issues. Teachers need to better

understand the stages of adjustment for children and parents in blended families to meet their needs in

classroom settings.

• Of all marriages, 30% are a remarriage for at least one partner.

• Most stepfamilies are at an economic disadvantage and are less well educated.

• Most stepchildren live with their biological mother and stepfather.

• Demographers anticipate by that 2000, nearly one of every six children under the age of 18 would be a stepchild.

Major traits of stepfamilies:• A biological parent is elsewhere.

• Virtually all family members have sustained a primary relationship loss.

• An adult couple is in the household.

• The relationship between one adult (parent) and child(ren) predates the marriage.

• Children are members of more than one household.

• One adult (stepparent) is not legally related to a child.

• The complexity of stepfamily structure tends to discourage cohesiveness.

Definition:

• Reconstituted family- lacks the common household residence of natural parents and the common household locus of parents’ authority, and economic subsistence may be shared with the former spouse of one or both adult partners.

• Children in a blended family find their affection and loyalties divided between two parents households.

• Roles are more clearly defined in a nuclear, rather than blended, family.

Myths and Roles of Stepfamily Members.Stepchild’s Role:

• Both boys and girls report feelings of loss for their original family and its unique characteristics.

• Emotional responses to remarriage depend significantly on how the new relationship has been explained and integrated into the child’s living situation.

• Most stepfamilies report feelings of anger, hostility, denial, loss, anxiety, fear, excitement, curiosity, hesitancy, happiness, jealousy, and unrealistic expectations.

Myths and Roles of Stepfamily Members.Stepmother's Role:

• Many stepmothers may try to make up for the upset caused by the divorce.

• A stepchild may resent the stepmother's warmth and love as an attempt to replace the child’s biological mother, and her husband may feel left out because of the amount of attention paid to the children.

• Stepmothers may unrealistically attempt to keep all members of the family happy and content.

• The amount of adjustment required by the stepmother depends on may variables. (ex. If they have had other kids.)

Myths and Roles of Stepfamily Members.Stepmother's Role:

• Common myths that stepmothers frequently must deal with are those of the wicked stepmother and of instant love.

• For example, “ a new stepmother may attempt to be a super-perfect stepparent to disprove the wicked stepmother myth, and she will likely become very frustrated.”

• Also, “instant-love” between stepmother and child is almost never achieved.

Myths and Roles of Stepfamily Members.Stepfather's Role:

• A stepfather is usually less involved than a stepmother in parenting, and therefore, less likely to have problems.

• Three important psychological tasks for a stepfather: “(a) joining a functioning group and establishing a place for himself, (b) working out rules regarding family behavior, and © handling unrealistic expectations both on his part and on the part of the new family.”

• Stepfather may feel guilty for having abandoned his own children and may try to overcompensate by playing superdad to his natural children when they visit.

Special Issues For Children In Children In Blended Families:

• Few individuals have been socialized to live in a stepfamily environment.

• Many stepfamily members have unrealistic and inappropriate expectations.

• They have been surprised at their own emotional reactions to daily stepfamily living, and may feel alone in their attempts to cope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKZMeXRZhM4&feature=related

What the Teacher and Caregiver Need to Know:

• Common issues for students who are members of stepfamilies include (a) embarrassment over divorce and remarriage, (b) social stigma over “step” status that may inhibit the sharing of family experiences with others, © unresolved mourning of the loss of a previous family member that interferes with the formation of a new family unit, and (d) feelings of confusion and the need to answer “where do I belong?”.

What the Teacher and Caregiver Need to Know:(cont.)

• “Hostility problems are extremely common in stepfamilies and anger inhibition, which is the turning inward and suppression of feelings of anger, is understandable for stepchildren.”

• Loyalty conflicts are almost inevitable in the stepfamily, as children wonder and question their parents.

• “Feelings of hope for a new and better family situation, know as a Phoenix concept, are typical.”

• Disruption of attachment is normal and the adjustment process and recovery of loss may take 2-5 years.

Effects of Cumulative Stress:

• “The concept of pileup means that children in stepfamilies may experience the cumulative effects of major changes and stresses, rather than any one factor or situation in isolation.”

• Pileup occurs mostly in the first 1-2 years.

Theme 4: Teachers and schools must rely on multiple intervention strategies when working with divorced and blended families. A number of effective communication and program strategies are available to deal with the

special issues and needs of these families.

• Teachers and caregivers can help members of a blended family cope with the complexities of their situation in there ways : by consulting, by coordinating resources, and by informal support and referral to counseling.

• The role of teachers and caregivers is to help children (a) come to terms with these normal feelings of loss, (b) acknowledge their existence and origins, © verbalize feelings, and (d) move toward acceptance of their new family situation.

Building Blocks of Blended Families:

• Focusing on the child first and then gradually involving parents can forge an effective intervention that merges the role of the teacher or caregiver with the role of family advocate.

• Children in a blended family seem to function more effectively when there is a strong, caring alliance between the couple, along with more permeable boundaries than is optimal in intact, nondivorced families.

Goals for Stepfamily Education:

• “The main purpose of supporting children of divorce in educational settings, especially those in preschool and primary grades, should be to help them cope with the changes of transition until things stabilize.”

• By spending some time observing the child, identifying the child’s needs, and communicating these needs to parents, the teacher or caregiver can facilitate the referral process to a community-based or private practitioner who specializes in family therapy.

Goals for Stepfamily Education: (cont).

• Teachers and caregivers need a stepfamily education program that attempts to accomplish the following:

• helping stepchildren understand the complexity of stepfamily functioning.

• Helping stepchildren and their parents develop positive relationships.

• Teaching stepchildren and their parents how to communicate effectively with one another.

• Teaching stepparents how to manage their emotions in step-parenting by learning to think rationally and to dispute their irrational beliefs.

• Teaching stepparents and stepchildren how to use principles of social learning and logical or natural consequences to solve adult-child conflicts in stepfamilies.

Theme 5: Contemporary classrooms reflect increasingly diverse child and family populations. Teachers must be sensitive to these cultural and linguistic differences as

they plan effective classroom activities for children affected by divorce and remarriage.

• The use of shared and mutually selected or assigned readings, also known as bibliotherapy, may be especially useful in educational, preventive programs for stepfamilies.

• Books or other reading material cannot be chosen until the specific stepfamily’s situation is known.

• Teachers should assess the family’s cultural, language, and religious systems before providing reading materials.

Goals of Bibliotherapy:• Teaching facts about particular life situations, such as stepfamilies,

divorce, death, remarriage, and the incidence of these situations in society as a whole.

• Informing stepchildren and their parents about step relationships and the unique challenges that they may encounter.

• Helping parents and children obtain insight or self-understanding as they read about a character who is facing a situation similar to their own.

• Helping children and their parents better understand their own emotional reactions, conflicts, cognition's, motivations, feelings and thoughts through identification with a central character in an assigned reading.

Using Bibliotherapy involves 3 steps:• 1. Planning: includes identification of the individual’s

needs and selection of appropriate material. Planing demands that the helper have some knowledge about the family and the reading material.

• 2. Motivation: involves introducing and presenting the reading materials to the child or parents or both in a way that immediately connects them to the reading.

• 3. Following up: a critical step that can involve a discussion based on previously prepared questions, or it can take whatever format has been decided on.

Role of School:• Programs and interventions designed for stepfamily

members are most effective if they are surrounded by administrators and organizations that understand the usefulness of these programs.

• Administrators can provide adequate space for teachers, caregivers, and other professional personnel to meet on an individual basis with students and their parents.

• Financial resources should be provided for purchasing current educational, self-help material and for reimbursing community resource professionals to assist teacher.

• Encouraging school personnel to collaborate in their interventions for children of divorced and remarried families.

Source’s Used:

• Wright, K., Steglelin, D. a., & Hartle, L. (2007). Building Family, School, and Community Partnerships (3rd ed.). Upper Saddle RIver, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

• Advice for Blended Families. (n.d.). Retrieved September 20, 2008, from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKZMeXRZhM4&feature=related

• Divorce Affects Children. (n.d.). Retrieved September 20, 2008, from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ld9TNx3ig1w