Lydia Jayne Doyle, LMSW

The Complex Dynamics of

Blended Families

(PART ONE)

Definition of Blended Families The blended family is the modern term for Stepfamily. As our society has changed so has the traditional image

of step-families. Today stepfamilies can include

multiple children from several previous marriages and

relationships.

Societal changes, new biological changes,

shifts in marital expectations, all have lead to a wide variety

of family forms (Visher).

The Pew Research Center released a national report in 2012 giving the following statistics on blended families.

• 42% of all American Adults have some kind of stepfamily relationship, that is 95.5 million adults.

• 13% of adults are stepparents with males leading females in the overall percentage.

• 1/3 of all American children are expected to live in a stepfamily before age 18.

According to the 2011 U.S. Census the 52-62% of all first

marriages end in divorce, with 75% of those divorced persons remarrying (U.S.

Census 2011)

• Data varies from study to study on the numbers of remarried and successful

remarried families. • According to Marriage Foundation

(2013) new research reports 2nd marriages are not more likely than

first to end in divorce.• Studies did report there is a need for

therapist who have the ability to counsel blended family couples and children of blended families (Good

Therapy)

There are differences and similarities between first and

second marriages.1. Remarried individuals tend to

be older.2. In most 2nd marriages at least

one of the individuals has a child from previous relationship.

3. First marriages don’t have a social stigma of 2nd marriages.

4. 2nd marriages have more financial obligations.

5. 2nd marriages have more emotional baggage.

6. 1st marriages has less responsibilities.

7. 2nd marriages have more disagreements.

Second marriages have very complex dynamics.

NEW COUPLE

EX-PARTNER &CHILDREN

AUXILLARY FAMILY

EX-PARTNER & CHILDREN

• The continued involvement of former spouses and family members complicates the blended families ability to

integrate. • The ongoing relationship with

previous partners, either in terms of closeness or conflict

has a profound effect on new family.

Dynamics of Stepfamily living• Cultural Concept of step family living-

devaluing of stepfamily in society. • Paths to Stepfamilies1. Divorce-loss-parenting or lack of parenting-

loyalty conflicts-guilt2. Death-bereavment-loss-loyalty3. Never married-legal concerns-respect issues

Differences Between 1st Families and Stepfamilies

• The family begins after loss or change• No shared family history• There is less loyalty• All parties have expectations from previous families• Children can be members of two or more

households. Which causes children to have multiple parenting figures.

• Step-parents do not have a legal relationship with stepchildren.

• There is a long integration period-the age a child is at time of stepfamily inception, it will take that many years for the child to accept the step-parent.

• The household experiences intense unexpected emotional changes

• Ambiguous family boundaries• Ambiguous roles• Stepfamilies have overall more stress

Generally, there is more complexity, more ambiguous

boundaries, and more ambiguous roles, less

cohesiveness, more loss, and more division

(www.stepfamily.org)

The Stepfamily Structure 1. Stepparent-outsiders2. Residential stepmother/residential stepfather-are often caught between their

partner and the children. Stepfathers fare better than stepmothers.3. Non-residential stepmother/non-residential stepfather-often distant and

uninvolved.4. Remarried parent/non-remarried parent-jealously, feeling of inadequacy,

insecurity.5. Children/step-siblings/half-siblings-anxiety, fear of unknown, unable to cope

with loss, less nurture from parent and affection, more overall child abuse. Half-siblings integration is dependant on older children’s acceptance of new child and frequency of contact with the new child. Step-siblings often struggle for affection and financial resources. All tend to have more behavior issues, school issues.

6. Grandparents-Can be instrumental in building the bridge for families or instrumental in destroying the family and affecting adults and children

Later generations.7. Auxiliary Family-Aunts/Uncles/Cousins Can

have positive influences or very destructive negative influences on families.

The negative influences by outsiders projected to the new family have a greater impact to

influence integration.

Stages of Integration

1. Fantasy Stage-Couple is “in Love”, children are hopeful

2. Immersed Stage-Family is attempting to assimilate to a nuclear family mold.

3. Awareness Stage-This is hard, changes might need to occur, family splits along bio-lines, remarried spouse caught in middle.

4. Mobilization Stage-Step-parent starts to be accepted into family.

5. Action Stage-Occurs 3-4 years after couple inception. Boundary around couple is developed and is accepted. Ex-spouses and new spouses are more accepting of each other. Children still do not quite there.

6. Contact Stage-Step-parent is no longer an outsider.

7. Resolution Stage-Acceptance of family, cooperation between homes.

Elements of Successful Blended Families

1. Realistic expectations2. Focus is on couple3. Children feel safe4. Family rituals5. Household boundaries with flexibility6. Intentional development of step relationships7. Step-parent does not compete with bio-

parents

8. Step-parents discipline less and have less responsibility for step-children

9. Spend more “one on one” time with individuals of family

10. Auxiliary Family members have strict boundaries and are not allowed to have as much influences on family integration.

Part II• Types of Therapies used to

Counsel Blended Families• Initial Assessments

• Developing a Foundation• Facilitating Stepfamily

Integration

References

References

Resources