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Winter RetreatSravasti AbbeyTeaching/ Q&A #9Venerable Thubten ChodronFebruary 22, 2007

Motivation:

When meditating on emptiness, the first step when we are exploring the selflessness of persons, specifically ourselves is to identify the object of negation. Not just by reciting words, but by recalling that very experience. So they often recommend remembering a time when we felt criticized unjustly, were upset, were mad; and how does the I, the self, appear to exist at that time? Equally, we could use a situation in which we feel we are being rejected, not listened to, we have something important to say and people are tuning us out, so again we are agitated, irritated. How does the I appear to exist at that time? So you have to call up that feeling of how that I is.

Then we have to look for that I because if it exists, it should be findable the more we investigate and look for it. We have to first ascertain however that if it exists, it's got to be findable either within our five aggregates or separate from our five aggregates. To be very clear in our own mind that there are only those two alternatives, there is not a third alternative somewhere. So if this really strong independent ME, who other people aren't listening to, who they're accusing unfairly, if this ME is indeed existent in the way it appears, only two alternatives: in the aggregates or separate from them.

Then we start to explore in the aggregates. Sometimes it's tempting to rush through the body: “I am not my eyes, I am not my mouth, I am not my this, I am not my that.” But it can also be very effective to just

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slowly disassemble our body. There often feels that there is a real ME hanging out somewhere inside this body. So if we start looking in all the parts of the body, what they are and seeing if they are me and then if they aren't, putting them aside. Then see how it feels after you've gone through every single part of your body and you can't locate yourself.

And then we also look through our mind at all the different kinds of consciousnesses: eye, ear, all the sense consciousnesses, the mental consciousnesses, all the thoughts, the attitudes, the emotions, the feelings. Are any of these mental events ME? Can I find, is ‘myself’ located as one with any of these mental events? Even the thought I, is the thought I, ME?

What about separate from our body and mind? Is there some amorphous thing that is really me? Some soul, some formless something, that is independent, doesn't rely on anything else, and is ME floating around somewhere? If you have that feeling, really analyze and ask what is that? We have this feeling of some ‘me’ floating around, what is it? Try and find it and pin it down.

If you can't find the I, either inside the aggregates, one with the aggregates or separate from them, then just stay in that not-finding. That sense of emptiness, that what you thought was there, is nowhere to be found. So this is ‘I’ that everything in your whole life is based on. It is just something made up. You can't find it. How much energy do we put into trying to protect and promote something that is nonexistent?

While the inherently existent self is totally non-existent, when you collect the body and the four mental aggregates together, in dependence upon them, there is the label “I”. All that is, that label, the thought “I”, but there is nothing there. That is “I” from its own side. This is the lightly labeled “I.” It is unfindable when you look for it.

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Now when we open our eyes, the appearance to our senses is so strong, “I am here.” Four people, two cats, the whole thing is subjectively existent. That is how it appears to the senses. You can see how what we are perceiving is quite far away from what actually is. Get some idea of how distorted our mind is. How distorted ignorance makes our mind.

Q&A:

So what's been happening in your meditation this week? Has your truly existent I been throwing you any temper tantrums? Wanting to assert itself and control the world?

Q: If you could speak a little bit about this. It is a common experience that I have had since I have met the Dharma and maybe even before that. After I heard the teachings, the teachings every Thursday from Khensur Rinpoche, here my mind is so inspired. It really is, at the gut - heart level going, “Yes.” This resounding, “Yes!” Hearing the preciousness and feeling the vibe. But you know within 24 hours, it is gone and I am back to the same old struggle with laziness and discouragement and indifference. Because in that space I can really see how bodhisattvas can handle it. I can really see how great practitioners can remove obstacles. How you can sustain and really work on the difficulties. That energy is so clear and has so much joy to it, but it is so fleeting. It comes up again the next time I hear a teaching. But where does it go? What obstacles in my mind relate to that, or is it just something like Dharma familiarity that happens over time?

A: OK, so you are saying that whenever you hear a teaching, like once a week, during a retreat or a series of teachings going on, that you feel quite inspired, the mind is very joyful and you really see how bodhisattvas have the energy to carry on practice. But within 24 hours all that joy, all that inspiration is gone. You come back to where you were. So you are asking what are the hindrances and what has gone

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wrong?

I would start out and say how marvelous it is that for 24 hours you felt so inspired. That you felt practicing the path was really doable and achievable. Because if you think, before you met the Dharma, we never had any inclination of human potential. Even if you hear the teaching, and you have some inspiration, and it doesn't last forever, just having it as long as you did is actually quite a radical change from the usual dry state of mind, isn't it? Just knowing that you can feel that way already deepens our refuge in the Three Jewels because you know that feeling that way is possible. You have felt it.

Then the thing is just to extend the experience, deepen the experience and that happens through familiarity. Like if you hear teachings often and you know that experience of hearing the teachings, then you become familiar with the teachings and that feeling happens more and more often. When you meditate and contemplate on the teachings, you are familiarizing yourself with them. Even when you are doing recitations if you focus on the words you are reciting, you are familiarizing yourself with that meaning. So it takes a lot of familiarization. The more we are able to focus and concentrate when we are in the process of doing that familiarization, the deeper the imprints are going to be put in the mind.

Q: Although at the time, to hold the knowing that that is an experience that I've had although at the time when I am working on the familiarity that experience may not be as manifest or hardly manifest at that time. Is to keep building the trust that this a valid experience that you've had. That it hasn't gone anywhere. It is in the mind.

A: Exactly. The experience is a valid experience. It hasn't gone any where, it is there in the mind. It is a question of strengthening it and learning to concentrate on enhancing it so that it becomes bigger and bigger.

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Q: That is part of what I think the retreat is.Really it has been a challenge because the experiences have been harder and I just go in there and keep trying to just be with whatever comes up. But I haven't come to any semblance of that inspired experience except when the direct teachings have been given. I am just trying to hold that as something to…

A: Sometimes the experience comes stronger in teachings because due to the connection with the teacher, something is going on at that point. There is some blessing going on; but don't think that the only the way to have that experience is by listening to teachings. You only have it when you are listening to teachings because you spent all that time in the meditation hall in between teachings.

Because what we do sometimes, we do it even in meditation, “Oh, I had a good meditation. How come all my meditations can't be like that? I go all this time and like there is no feeling and I want something to happen.” But the thing is you have that ‘good meditation’ because you have spent all that time before now familiarizing yourself and thinking about it over and over and over again.

What you said before about feeling that experience doesn't go anywhere. It's still there. It is like when you love somebody. That person may not be in front of you, so your attachment isn't going OHHHHH, because they aren't there. But in your mind, that feeling is there. So it is similar in that way, it hasn't disappeared completely.

Q: That is very helpful because I think that I have gotten things really compartmentalized. The teachings are one experience and then the practices are another; not thinking that they have any semblance of relationship to each other.

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A: No, the teachings, the service, the meditation sessions, everything is one continuous stream that is contributing to making things develop. Don't compartmentalize your life.

Q: I had a question for Geshe-la and then I think he answered it but then I realized that I had a question from that. Remember when he first started talking about the solitary, autonomous self; the one that lasted forever?

The first one, the permanent, unitary, independent self.

Q: And in that same talk, he spoke about the autonomous, substantial existence. I remember thinking about those things with regards to the four part analysis; and feeling like all are in that analysis.

The self outside of the aggregates, that is kind of like the soul. So that is like eternal unitary independent self. That is like the atman of the Hindus and the soul of the theistic religions and it is a notion that is created through philosophy. That one is not innate but is comes about because we have learned it from some philosophy or psychology: that there is something separate from the body and mind that is eternally unitary independently indestructibly ME. So that is the grossest one.

Q: Then also when we do that meditation, I had a little difficulty separating autonomous from substantial but I know that at least the substantial one is the one that I am doing. I am taking the body apart.

A: Then the second the one is a little bit subtler but is still pretty gross; it is the autonomous self-sufficient self. You don't have to separate out autonomous and self-sufficient, it all goes together. And that one is described in two different ways. In one way it almost sounds like the first one because they describe it like the shepherd who herds sheep; with the person being the shepherd and the aggregates being the sheep.

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But having them separate like that is very similar to the eternal unitarian independent one, so there is another analogy that they give for the self-sufficient substantially existent one or autonomous substantially existent one. And that is a group of salespeople and one of them is the head salesperson. So they are all salespeople but one of them is a little bit more important. So in that way, there could be all the salespeople that are the various aggregates. You know: form, feeling, discrimination, compositional factors and consciousness but one of them is kind of the boss. That is mental consciousness. That one is kind of the boss. Some of those schools assert that. The non-Buddhist schools assert that there is that kind of person there, but all the Buddhist schools say no.

Q: So when we do the four point analysis, it seems like that is what we are doing. But then later on he says that you don't know which one you can identify.

A: Yes, when you call up that feeling, you're not always sure which one it is and are not sure that we even can know completely until after we have realized emptiness which one it is.

Q: That is what I wondered because that is kind of what I wrote down. He didn't say succinctly that but that was the impression I had. So maybe this object of negation stays kind of vague.

A: The thing is that, if you were able to completely totally one hundred percent identify the object of negation - absolutely correctly, then just being able to identify it would mean that you would know it was non-existent. Because you would know that is what there is to be negated. So they say you call up as best as you can, but you never actually know, what it is fully until you have negated it. That is why they give analogies. When somebody falsely accuses you, when somebody rejects you, when they are not listening to you, when you have strong attachment or strong jealousy or something like that coming up; it is

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then that there is some kind of strong feeling of “I.” So start out with that one, whatever it is. What you don't want to do is say, “There is a feeling of ‘I’ that is substantially existent, independent of the aggregates.” Then there is no feeling in that. Unless you actually call that feeling up, and realize how much you: rely on that feeling; believe in that feeling; and treasure that person; do everything you possibly can to protect her and promote her and make sure she is safe and make sure other people respect her and love her. Unless you realize how much of that feeling is there, at the center of your whole existence, then negating it is not going to be any big deal. It is important to have that feeling there.

Q: It was interesting the way he (Geshe-la) lead the emptiness meditation with the two pictures and taking all the body parts and setting them aside ‘over there.’ And the graphic way of doing this and then how much can you really cherish a pile of body parts!

A; And you can do that in terms of visualizing yourself outside and dissecting yourself outside. But I find that it brings more of a gut feeling, if instead of thinking, 'The person who looks like me on the outside,” that I am dissecting; but to sit here with this one and start throwing out the different parts. And that this relates actually very strongly to the practice of mindfulness of the body. In that practice you are looking at the 32 or 36 aspects, organs and attributes of the body and just getting familiar with them. Seeing how dissecting the body is. But when you do that, you can also get a sense of “there is nobody in there.” We walk around all day with this body and we feel like there is somebody in there, don't we? There is somebody in there. Not merely designated, it is there. Because if somebody punches me, they are not hitting something merely designated, they are hitting ME.

Q: That is so strange - just to think about. Once you have done that meditation and then just think like, OK you just merely designated this.

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A: Yes, then it has some kind of impact when you see it is merely designated and it is just a bunch of rather disgusting looking parts, nothing particularly glamorous. The lungs, the ribs, the intestines are just parts. All these people who look so good on the outside and that pay so much attention to their appearance, make sure their dress is just right, they work out and their bodies are fantastic, but on the inside...they feel want.

I will show you the pictures of the autopsy I went to in Thailand last year. It is very good for that when you just imagine that they are cutting you up. Take out your liver and put it in the scale and weigh it and toss it away. Take out your stomach, put in the scale and toss it away. Take out your brain, chop it up, weigh it, toss it away. Then you say, “Why am I so attached to this thing?” It is like in Asia sometimes when you go in the markets: they will have just killed an animal, maybe a sheep or a goat or a cow. They will be skinned and hanging upside down in the market, really disgusting. Well, that is basically what we are when our skin is taken off. So that really shows us how distorted our mind is. First of all we think this body is the most beautiful thing. Second, that it is definitely going to bring us pleasure. That it is valuable. That it is permanent and that there is a self inside there. There is ME inside of there. It is just basically a bunch of hamburger.

Q1: Now take that point you just made - that understanding - and then relate that to the dependently existing self that does function.

A: OK, so how do you relate that understanding to the dependently existent one…

Q1: Because I can walk around, I can be here but as soon as I go home…for example: I cut my hair again. I was just growing it long, it is such a big deal and within that world that I live at home; just to keep

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people happy because their views are so very different, that if I have to grow my hair a little bit, it is fine. It's fine if I have to grow my hair a little bit. One has to look at their environment and say, “How do I function within this?” Even with this idea of there is really nothing that I love and I am so attached to but it still functions and still exists and I still have to participate.

A: Yes, you do participate. So you are asking how does this conventional I work in the world? Well, the conventional I is just something that is merely labeled. All those people that you feel are pressuring you and wanting you to be a certain way, they also are just merely labeled. There are no people in there, OK? All their ideas are just ideas, there is no concrete idea there. Their opinions are just opinions, there is no real opinion that is there and findable. The thing is that when we see there is nothing findable there but there are appearances of things, how do those appearances arise? Due to depending on other factors. Then we have an understanding of, “OK, things exist dependently.” But there is nothing solid inside them so we don't need to make them solid and take them so seriously. Somebody likes our hair, somebody doesn't like our hair. It doesn't really matter, OK?

Q1: It doesn't. I can think that from my side but…

A: But even from their side they may think your hair is extremely important. But that thought is just a thought in their mind. It is just a thought in their mind. Then you can look at that thought and say, “Does that thought have an ethical value? Is it going to make the world a better place?” No, it is just a thought. People have gazillions of thoughts everyday. If one day there is some machine that could type out our thoughts in one day, especially the thoughts of the people we are attached to and we really care what they think about us. If we could read all their thoughts in one day, we would really stop caring about what they think. Because first of all, they don't spend that much time thinking

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about us. Second of all, look at what they are thinking about all day. Is there wisdom inside? They are kind to other sentient beings but do they have the wisdom that leads to enlightenment?

Just take our thoughts. We're Dharma practitioners. Could you imagine if there were a print out of everything you thought in one day? We would look like total idiots wouldn't we? We could print out the Tara praises we're singing at breakfast. What about everything we are distracted about while we are reciting the prayers, “How come she made this again for breakfast?” Or just in the (meditation) hall we start out thinking and meditating on the Dharma and then gazillions of distractions come in and there they are typed out. And we're Dharma practitioners. Now you see why it is so important to read the texts because at least when we read the texts there are some words there, something that has some value.

But then our mind spins out: “There so many bugs in the meditation hall and there is not as many flies as last year, that is good, I remember last year when the flies were all up in the lights and they were dying and they'd make so much time. This year we only have the stink bugs and you know at least the stink bugs are getting some kind of blessing but I wonder how they get blessing sitting here in the meditation hall, you know. Am I getting blessings sitting here in the meditation hall? Oh no, I am just getting sore knees. Why am I doing this retreat anyway? I am just idiot. I could have been working making money and doing something useful in helping solve the problems of the world.”

Can you imagine all of that typed out?

“All these stink bugs. We have teachings saying that we can be reborn as a stink bug . I don't know if I really believe it. I remember all this time when I was traveling around when I was 16 and there were stink bugs there and na na na na na and so yes somebody else in the meditation hall

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they always go and play with the stink bugs. They are so preoccupied that nobody steps on the stink bugs that they are constantly disturbing me by moving the stink bugs. Why can't they just sit there and leave those stink bugs? Just give them blessings without playing with them...” and this is all typed out. Can you imagine?

Is anybody going to value what we think if they knew what goes on in our mind all day? Forget it... so in the like way why do we need to be so concerned? If somebody is saying something to us of value, like the Dharma or something that has ethical import, sure we listen. We pay attention. But if people are saying their opinions about the color of our hair, or the length of our hair, or what kind of clothes we are wearing, or what we are doing in our life, you know....

Q1: There is something that we say: when in Rome do as the Romans. There is something to be said for that because the world largely functions in this non-realistic way. They set all these wrong conceptions of what we are supposed to do or be.

V: And you can spend your whole life trying to do or be what other people want you to do or be and you are never going to succeed.

Q1: That is the opinion to extreme. I am saying one still has be within and one still has to listen to that concern. And it is so stupid, why not just do it?

V: Yes, if you want to go ahead, do it. It doesn't matter if you color your hair or how long it is. Then do what makes you happy.

Q2: All of my life, my mother in particular, was always throwing out clothes that I was wearing saying that they were rags. She wanted me to do this and this and this. And I am doing a lot of those things now. I'm cooking. I'm wearing dresses. I'm not wearing weird hats. There were all

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these things that all my life she has bugged me about; that would make her so happy if I did them and I doing them! And is she happy? No.

V: My parents for years, especially, 'Get your hair out of your face already.' I got it out of my face, are they happy?

Q2: I see your original point and if I don't care either way about the issue then because it is easier for them I’ll do it, so I can agree with that. But at the same time, they are never going to be happy. These things you are trying to do, that you're going to try to change your life, in ways. They aren't going to make them happy. They may think it will, but it will not make them happy if I make these changes. It gets to the point where you are choosing between things you really want to do in your life and the pressure that you get from this other person. I think it is important to try to hear them and accommodate them if you are changing what is really important to you but it doesn't always go that way.

Q1: No, but my hair isn't so it is one less thing that I have to hear.

Q2: Totally. I end up doing that too. Come on, who cares. But sometimes there are things that really do matter and it is the same energy, it is the same thing and it is just as useless.

V: Or what you could do is try an experiment. If you really feel that their concerns are so important and you have to live in a world with their concerns, try and please them. Then do everything that they want you to do. Do everything that they want you to do for a year and see how you feel at the end of the year.

Q1: I'm not saying do everything, I am saying it is very different living here and living out there. It is totally different because people have totally different views. So there has to be a balance without compromising what….. there has to be a balance there.

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V: I agree with you. What I have found is the thing that speaks loudest when I am in non-Dharma environments is just being kind. That's the thing that people pick up on. But in any case, something that helps me when I get stuck in this kind of thing, is to think that these are basically concerns of just this life, and the things of this life, of just this year and of just a few people and they are valuable and I have to function within them. But if I remember to place them within the whole big picture of: this is samsara, with incredible amount of suffering in it, for so many other sentient beings, then yes, what is going on, what I knew, what my clothes are…. It is important but put it in perspective with what is going on with all sentient beings. I find that quite helpful. But it is something that you will have to figure out for yourself, nobody is going to be able to answer the question for you. We can discuss it and talk about it but it is something that everybody has to answer for themselves in their own heart. Because we all have our own unique situations, we have our own unique families, we have our own unique pressures upon us and nobody else can tell us how to run our lives. They can just give us tips about how you can possibly look at it and then we have to play around with that and figure it out for ourselves. Even though it is sometimes very uncomfortable and we wish the whole thing would all go away.

Q: I have a question in a completely different vein. I have had an experience a week or two ago that made me start thinking about this. I am wondering if within us we have this very very subtle mind that we are completely unaware of. And is that what becomes the omniscient mind? If you are just removing the defilements and obscurations and things that are just clouding it, is it actually remembering everything from all of our lives?

V: OK, so you are talking about the extremely subtle mind. According to tantra that is an extremely subtle form of mind that continues from life to life; even though it is empty of inherent existence and impermanent and

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not a self. This mind eventually becomes a buddha or transforms into the wisdom dharmakaya of a buddha. That is one aspect of a buddha. In addition, you have the form body of the buddha, you have the nature body of the buddha, but it transforms into the omniscient mind of the buddha. So when we talk about memory, memory has to do with latencies and imprints and things like that. So when you ask, what is it that carries the latencies either karmic latencies or memories or things like that? What carries it? They say that it is basically just the merely labeled “I” that is the long term thing that carries it from one life to another onto enlightenment. In the short term, it can be whatever consciousness is manifested at any particular moment. So those latencies can somehow be associated with whatever consciousness is manifested in that moment. But that is just the temporary basis because while we are alive we have a gross consciousness. When we go to sleep, the consciousness is a little bit subtler. When we dream, it is between a waking state and a deep sleep state. When we die, it is more subtle than the deep sleep state. So we have all these minds and levels of mind. So any of them can be the temporary basis that carries the latencies but when we talk long term, we say it is just the “mere I” (which is nowhere at all that we have found.) So that is what carries the latencies.

Q: So when the Buddha talks about all his former lives, seeing how things came into being and how everyone created karma…. this is all from that place?

V: When we hear about the Buddha according to the Pali canon, on the eve of his enlightenment, the first realization he gained was an awareness of all his previous lives. How did he do that? I really can't say because I haven't done it. I did hear that when people have the jhanas, the deep meditative absorptions, when you get to the fourth jhana, when your mind is able to be in the fourth jhana when you want to remember previous lives you come out of the fourth jhana because when you are within the jhana you can't do any analysis, your mind is just total single

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pointed. So you come out of it but of course your mind is still inspired by all of that and then you start recalling what happened yesterday and the day before and the day before and then you continue back. There gets to be a certain point in this life where it gets more difficult or maybe you get to the point of conception and then you really have to push through and break through that to remember previous lives. So it could be just that process of when the mind is very peaceful and calm and unclouded then things just surface when you make the effort to look for them. An analogy could be when you are doing retreat here, even though we have very gross minds, no jhana or anything, but are you remembering things from years ago that you haven't even thought about? When you're mind gets quiet, this stuff just comes up and it is like, huh? Where did that come from?

Q: Great clarity

V: Yes and you haven't thought about it for many years.

Q: Not even trying to.

V: Yes.

Q: I have kind of a related question. I have read that in some books anyway that there is a belief that there is a very subtle body in the bardo.

V: There is a bardo body, yes.

Q: Well then that is kind of like predestination?

V: No, what happens at the time of death, the gross sense consciousnesses are losing energy because the body is losing energy and unable to support them. The mind is getting subtler and subtler and subtler until it gets to this extremely subtle mind which is of the same

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nature as an extremely subtle wind. When that combination of extremely subtle mind and wind leaves this gross body, which is the actual time of death, then according to the karma that was ripening before the mind got so subtle, some of that karma starts to ripen. It pushes us to see a certain kind of rebirth as something attractive so that when the extremely subtle mind and wind leaves this body, it gets a little bit grosser. When the wind gets a little bit grosser and the mind is a little bit grosser that is the intermediate state that Tibetans call bardo. You take the bardo body that resembles what your future life is going to be.

Q: So it isn't the way we look now.

V: No, as soon as we leave this body, this life is finished, gone, and the karma is ripening for the next body. So the bardo body resembles the future life.

Q: Then some traditions say you look for a certain light, go to the clear light. So even though you have a body you are still looking for that, see what I mean?

V: There lots of different traditions that say different things. I think what is most valuable is whatever you are experiencing during the time of death and in the intermediate states, is to recognize that it just an appearance, it is not an inherently existent thing. That is important. And what ever appearance comes to you as you are dying or in the bardo, to react to it with compassion. So I think because that is what actually changes your mind because that's compassion and wisdom. They talk about looking for the light or Amitaba coming and getting you. I don't think it is really that Amitaba is going to appear there in Technicolor and say 'Come on, hop in the taxi, we are going to the Pure Land, hurry up!' But they talk in those terms as if Amitaba is going to come and get you. My personal opinion is that what is really happening is our mind becomes, through our meditation and our remembering emptiness and

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compassion, our mind becomes capable of rebirth in a Pure Land because that is how people think in a Pure Land. Or if you die and you are thinking of Amitaba's great qualities and the wonderful qualities of the Buddha and you are taking Refuge, that is going to steer your mind towards a rebirth in a Pure Land perhaps or maybe a precious human life or something like that. So I think it is not that we are focusing on some external color or light but it is more what our internal state of mind is.

Q: And that the ___?___[not transcribed], that is dependent on all these grosser things, it can still exist but most of the basis is that it is designated upon is gone.

V: Right, so the “mere I” continues from life to life but the basis it was designated on is something totally different. What I find very helpful is think of London because it has existed for a long time. What was London like in the 4th century, the 5th century, the 6th century? Is anything that is London, I don't know even when London started it is probably that old, huh? But whatever was there then, is any of that there now? No, everything that was there is now totally different. None of the same people are alive, none of the same buildings are there, yet the name London continues doesn't it? So the name continues but what the basis of that name is has changed how many different times throughout the centuries? So in the same way the “mere I” continues from life to life but whatever gross aggregates there are in each life, those are the gross aggregates of that life that cease at the end of that life.

Q: And so when the “mere I” is basically designated by the subtle mind and subtle wind?

V: No it is just designated. You don't need to know what consciousness designates the I. Or whose consciousness designates it; because it doesn't always have to be a thought I. Like when you are in deep sleep, you are not thinking I, but you still exist.

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Q: So you could call it a continuity also?

V: Call what the continuity?

Q: Your I?

V: You could say that the “mere I” continues or the continuity of the “mere I” but the “mere I” is just the label, just the concept.

Q: When you were talking about Khensur Rinpoche's teaching of the “general I” and the “specific I”….

V: There are both: the “general I” that covers all the lives, and the “specific I” of each life – both of them are merely labeled. So the “specific I” of this life is Chodron. At the time of death Chodron is gone, finished, nonexistent but the “mere I” continues. Because there is a continuation of aggregates. [? Should read ‘because there is no continuity of the aggregrates??] And the “specific I” of the next life is completely different. When we think about it, it gives you a bigger space, a bigger sense. We always think of ourselves as having a certain kind of personality. We could be born next life with a totally different personality.

Q: [Going back to the earlier discussion] The answer to the question was both: it was more how you relate that bigger perspective to this moment to moment thing that we actually experience.

V: I think you keep that big perspective in mind and what is important in the big perspective: compassion, bodhicitta, ethical discipline, wisdom. In the moment to moment thing, how can I bring compassion, wisdom, bodhicitta, ethical conduct into the moment to moment stuff because what is important.

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Q: It is difficult to know what to translate into actions.

V: Right and that is where your meditation is so important. Because it is not clear instantaneously to the mind of how does ethical discipline translate into action, or how does compassion translate into action. And we hear the word compassion and we have some idea what it is; but we don't really understand it completely and how to put it into practice. Sometimes we have… Lama Yeshe used to call it: making 'mass compassion'. I remember we did a skit one time about Mickey Mouse compassion. So this is why we practice the Dharma. And this is the kind of stuff that we contemplate in our meditation. OK, I have some idea of compassion. Does it mean this? Does it mean that? What does it look like when I put it into practice? I don't know? Well, what are some of the stories like in the scriptures that they tell of how the Buddha acted in previous lives. How does my teacher act? How do other holy beings act? How do they display compassion in their lives? That can sometimes give you some idea about what it could look like in your life. Often when I read the Jatika tales, or I look at what some of my teachers do: it's like whoa, that's compassion. I don't know if I can really do that. I'm not there yet, so I am not totally compassionate like them. Let's just take off a little chunk of that compassion and I will try and practice that much. In that way slowly build upon it.

Or ethical conduct, sometimes ethical conduct is a bit easier because the Buddha was quite specific. You have the list of the ten non-virtues, you have your precepts, the lay precepts, the bodhisattva precepts. Those things can really give a lot of structure: and how do I act with ethical conduct in this situation? Bodhisattva vows help us: how do I act with compassion in this situation? These things can be quite helpful but they don't become instantaneously clear. We spend years and years rolling around in this trying to gain clarity.

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Q: Compassion isn't always [gentle]. Compassion sometimes can be really firm or hard. So is not like it is one action; ethical conduct [too.] So it seems unclear, it depends on the situation.

Mandala Offering; Teaching: The Essence of Refined Gold

Text: “Some people think that a teacher should be revered only if he or she has many obvious qualities. They say, “I go to him to hear his words on Dharma, not to see him,” and “I can see no great traits in him, so there is no need for reverence.” What fools! For instance, even if your parents have no good qualities, you should appreciate their kindness, for, by doing so great benefits arise, whereas by not appreciating them only pain and confusion result. The same holds true of your attitude toward your spiritual mentor.”

So what this is talking about is we have high regard for our spiritual mentor not because they are charismatic, not because there is alot of hullabaloo going on and there is a big show, and they are very articulate, and they sit on a high throne, and they sparkle and glitter. Not for that. But by looking at the role that our spiritual mentors play in our lives and by looking at their qualities then having a sense of gratitude and a sense of respect and faith. Why do we cultivate those attitudes towards our spiritual mentor? Because we are the ones that benefit when we do.

I will get into it later on, and Je Rinpoche talked a lot about this in the Great Treatise on the Stages of the Path, about the importance of not seeing faults in our teacher or not dwelling on the faults and the importance of seeing their good qualities. The whole reason why this is done is not because our teachers need reverence. We don't do it in order to win their good graces and please them so that they like us and they give us chocolate. We do it because we are the ones that benefit. So it takes some contemplation in our meditation to see how do we benefit from having a good attitude towards our spiritual mentors; and how do

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we loose out when we have a bad attitude towards them. So he is using the analogy here of our parents. No matter how your parents treat you, the bottom line is, they gave us this life.

They gave us this life that we can use for the Dharma. That is tremendous kindness on the part of our parents because just them giving us this body, whether they like Dharma or don't like Dharma they have given us the ability to able to practice because we have a human mind inside this human body. So just that alone: we can be grateful to our parents for. If we spend our whole life just looking at our parents with a critical mind: they did this, they did that, they didn't do this, they didn't do that, they mistreated me this way, they were abusive that way, the family this...All of that, the information maybe true, but by looking at it with a negative attitude, what happens to our own mind? We are miserable aren't we? So it is like I spoke about last time: a pickpocket sees pockets. So if we spend our time reiterating all of somebodys’ faults, then it is very easy to go from just seeing those faults to being angry, being resentful, being depressed, being aggressive. What does that do to our own mind? Is our mind happy? No. Is it in a virtuous state? No.

So all those facts may be true, but when we remember them and then our negative mind reacts to them, then we are the ones who lose out. If we are able to look, even start with our parents and see what they did do: “Wow, they gave me this life, incredible! They taught me how to speak. They keep me from killing myself when I was an infant when I couldn't take care of myself.” You know all these things that we just take for granted. If we train our mind to see those things, then our mind becomes full of gratitude towards our parents. Our mind feels uplifted. OK, there were some things that went on that weren't so good, but they are not so important because, “Wow, look at everything that they did do for me.”

Now you might say, “Isn't that imbalanced, shouldn't you see the whole

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picture?” Well, if you say that then look at somebody you are very attached to, somebody that you love deeply. You know how we say, “I love you” meaning, I am attached to you. Are you seeing that person accurately? They have faults. Are you seeing their faults? No. You might recognize that they have a few faults but you completely ignore those faults because you are painting over this wonderful, spectacular person that you are madly in love with. It is all quite similar.

So then, when we look at our spiritual mentor, if we train our mind to see our teacher's good qualities, what happens to our mind? We start to feel quite inspired don't we? Even if we see qualities in our teachers that we can’t do; and we feel,”How am I ever going to do that?” One of my teachers stays up all night and doesn't sleep; and it is like, “Oh.” But I shouldn't put that quality down just because I can't do it. It is like, “Wow! How fantastic, so much bodhicitta, the none sleeping and spending the whole night benefiting sentient beings. I can't do it but fantastic that somebody can!” And then you think of their good qualities, or you think of who they benefit, or how they handle situations, or what they went through to develop their practice. When you think of all of that, then your mind feels really joyful and you feel a very close connection with your spiritual teachers. When you feel that close connection, then you don't feel lonely out there and misunderstood. You feel like somebody really understands the most important part of you, your spiritual yearning. And somebody is doing with their life what you want to do with life even if you are not capable of doing that yet. So you feel quite inspired and your mind is very joyful.

If you focus on your teacher's faults: they burp, they fart, they don't do their dishes, they make a mess in the kitchen and they don't clean up, they talk when it is supposed to be silent time, they scold somebody who is acting obnoxious, they don't scold someone who is not acting obnoxious, not me because I never act obnoxious. Whenever my teacher scolds me it is like when you were a kid, whenever your parents scolded

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you, “Why are they scolding me? It is my brother's fault, my sister's fault, I didn't do anything.” It is the same thing when your teacher scolds you, “What did I do wrong? You don't understand me.” And so we think negatively, “This fault, that fault, they don't appreciate everything.”

And, “I work so hard for my teacher; I sacrifice my whole life to serve my teacher. Do they ever say thank you? No. What gratitude. My goodness, my teacher has absolutely no manners, no gratitude, no appreciation for everything I do to show them that I am a conscience, diligent, earnest disciple.”

You spend your time thinking like that, where does that get you? What is your mind like when you dwell on that? You are totally bummed out, 100% bummed out. Do you feel like practicing? No. Do you feel like being nice to anybody else? No. Do you want to keep your precepts? No. You don't want to do anything except complain: morning, noon, night and in your dreams. Why waste anytime? Complain while you are dreaming.

So see, when we let our mind get into that state where all we see is faults, who is it that loses out? We do. I have even seen it where some teachers haven't acted properly. They embezzled money or they lied, really unethical. I'm not just talking about staying up all night or scolding somebody but major unethical things. You might have to acknowledge those; but if you stay and dwell on them what I have seen happen is that people focused so much on that that they started to lose faith in the Dharma, “This teacher taught me this practice. This teacher is unethical. Why should I do the practice that they taught me?” And I had to say, “Look, the Dharma is perfect, the Dharma is pure. That person is having their own problems. But the Dharma itself, if you learn it properly and practice it properly you could develop good qualities yourself. So don't give up on the Dharma because of the behavior of somebody else who was called a teacher but whose practice was not

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going very well.”

So even in those situations if the teacher is doing horrible things, you might have to notice it, create some distance from them. But you don't want to let your mind get in this totally negative state; because then what you wind up doing is wanting to give up on the Dharma. And who loses out when we give up on the Dharma? We do.

So this is why it is so important to catch our mind when it starts on its litany of, “They did this and they did that and on and on.” Because all we are doing is harming our self and digging a hole for our own Dharma practice. Our mind gets so negative we don't want to practice; we don't want to do anything. That is not at all a helpful state of mind. So that is why it is emphasized. That is why they say we are the one who benefits by seeing our teachers in positive lights. We can see that actually pertains not only to our teacher but to anybody. Whoever we are dealing with: if we can see their good qualities then we will find something to appreciate in them. We will find someway to connect and communicate with them. Whereas if just have our thing of they did this and they did that...then we are creating the distance between us and them by the way we are looking at them.

So the Third Dalai Lama continues:

“You feel that someone who gives you a little wealth is very kind, but the spiritual mentor can give you every goodness of this and future lives. If you contemplate deeply, it becomes obvious that all stages of development— from that of a lay follower to those of the bodhisattva and Buddha— depend completely upon pleasing the spiritual mentor. There are many examples of people who have attained full enlightenment in one short lifetime by correctly devoting themselves to a master, and if you please your teacher with the offerings of possessions, service, and intensive practice, there is no reason why you cannot do the

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same. Thus the importance of correctly relying upon on an all-kind spiritual mentor cannot be over-emphasized. Meeting with and being cared for in this and future lives by a spiritual mentor with whom you have a Dharma relationship is purely your responsibility, so serve your spiritual mentor well.”

There is a lot in this paragraph. So we feel that somebody who gives us a little bit of wealth is very kind. Somebody gives us $100, wow, so kind. They give us $1,000, they are even kinder. They give us $5,000, wow, how wonderful! They give us $10,000, unbelievable! They give us a million, how can I ever repay the kindness, they gave me a million dollars? What the Third Dalai Lama is saying is, “That's nothing.” Because a million dollars doesn't come with you when you die. A million dollars can also give you a lot of headaches in this life. You can do a lot of good with it, but you can also have a lot of headaches because you have to take care of it. But the spiritual master can give you every goodness of this and future lives. How does the spiritual master give us every goodness of this and future lives? By teaching us the Dharma. Because when we put into practice, do what they teach us, our mind is transformed. When we transform our minds then even in this life we are happy. We are creating goodness, positive karma which will be the cause for future lives happiness which will pave the way for gaining all the Dharma realizations until full enlightenment. All of that comes due to our spiritual master teaching us the Dharma. So we may think the person who gives us a million dollars is kind, they are but nothing compared to our spiritual teachers.

We may think our best friend, our lover, the person who loves us, who promises never to desert us no matter what is the most kind person. Can they lead us to enlightenment? No. In fact sometimes they are going to desert us, they are going to die. They can't prevent that, we can't prevent that. But if we make a good relationship with qualified spiritual teachers, that continues on into future lives. And that is why it is so important to

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choose our teachers well and make strong dedication prayers continually to meet with qualified teachers. Not just to meet with them, but to recognize them and practice under their guidance. Because otherwise we might met a lot of qualified teachers but we are too busy with something else. So if you contemplate the roles that our spiritual mentors provide in our life, it is as if the Buddha was there teaching us. Because what is our spiritual mentor teaching us? The Buddha's teachings. If the Buddha were here in person, would the Buddha teach anything different from what our spiritual master is teaching us? If our spiritual master is actually teaching the Buddha's teachings, that is what the Buddha would be teaching us. So from that point of view we can see that they are to be held in high esteem. So then the second sentence says if you contemplate deeply it becomes obvious that all stages of development completely depend upon pleasing the spiritual mentor.

OK, so here is this thing about pleasing the spiritual mentor, I talked about that before didn't I? So remember: pleasing the spiritual mentor means maintaining a positive attitude on our part and putting the teachings into practice. That is the meaning of pleasing the spiritual mentor. It doesn't mean being 'goody-two-shoes'. Then he (The Third Dalai Lama) says there are many examples of people who have attained full enlightenment in dependence on pleasing their teacher and correctly devoting themselves to a master, so please your teacher with the offerings of possessions, service and intensive practice. If you do, then you can do the same [ie, attain full enlightenment].

How to Rely on a Spiritual Mentor Through One’s Actions:(1) By offering possessions:So when we talk about the offerings of possessions, service and intensive practice, that is talking about how we rely on a spiritual teacher in terms of our actions. Before when we were talking about developing faith, respect and gratitude, that is how we rely on them in terms of our thought. But by offering possessions and service and practice, that is

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how we actually do it. So the easiest thing to offer at the beginning very often is possessions. So that is why we make offerings of money, we make offerings of material possessions, food, clothing, whatever things that our teacher could use to be able to sustain their lives and to sustain the virtuous practices and the virtuous projects they are doing. So it is good to take the opportunity to make an offering of some possession. It doesn't mean we have to offer tons or gazillions of dollars and give away our whole bank account. That is not the point.

The point is having an awareness of how much we benefit from receiving teachings from the person and what a strong object for creating karma this person is for us. Because they represent the Buddha for us so making offers towards them is very strong karma. Getting mad at them is also very strong karma. So if there is some opportunity even to make a small offering then to take that opportunity because we create so much positive karma. And if you really think in a karmic way, we might give our teacher $10 or $100 or $500 or a new computer or a rose. It doesn't matter. Because we are practicing generosity and they are a very strong object with which we create karma. Then we can create a lot of positive potential: when we have a mind of respect and appreciation and we think, “I'm making this offering for the benefit of sentient beings.”

And then you see, “Wow! I'm getting all this tremendous amount of positive potential and my teacher is getting lunch. I am getting oceans of positive potential which is so valuable and my teacher is getting $1,000.” Then you see what you are giving your teacher, what you are offering your teacher is nothing compared to what you are getting from making the offering. So take that opportunity to do that.

Something I did when I was a baby nun and actually even before I became a nun…. and looking back on it now it is like: somehow I just did that? I am not sure but I look back now and I am really glad I did. Some of my teachers whom I was studying with daily, very often I

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would just bring something in each day. In India they have these bananas that are three inches long. I was broke, I didn't have anything. I would bring in one banana or a tangerine or 3 cookies. But I tried to make it a habit to just to give some small thing and I look back on it now and I go, “Wow! How did I know to do that?” Because just even that process, each day cultivating the motivation, thinking of the kindness, even though the object was something very little, looking back on it now, “Oh, I did something good.” Rather miraculous.

(2) By offering service:The second one is offering service. This is kind of a notch up. Because for some people it is much easier to give a possession, and then you do what you want to do with your time and your life. Offering service is a little bit more, or a commitment in terms of making that connection and a strong offering with your teacher because it involves offering your time and your energy and your life energy. Instead of going to the movies, you are going to offer service to your teacher. Instead of lying down and going to sleep, or going to beach, or going to the bar, or sitting down with a novel, you can offer service. So it is your time, something very precious to us. It is our energy. And we are putting ourselves on the line a little bit more because when we offer service there is the chance that we make a mistake. And then you think, “They're going to see my mistake and I'm not going to do it right.” So it is a thing of getting over that fear. And again if we see that what our teachers are doing and how they are using their energy then offering service to them: we can be assured that we are doing something useful. Because if we have really good teachers and we are offering service for their virtuous projects, then definitely we are doing something meritorious. If we are serving them food, washing their clothes, or cleaning their room, or whatever it is: then we are helping to sustain their life and they can be of benefit to others. If you think like bodhisattvas, they talk about Je Rinpoche, “Even when you breath in and out, benefits sentient beings.”

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So here is somebody just whose breathing benefits sentient beings because they have the bodhicitta. Because they are keeping their life alive by breathing; doing taking and giving meditation as they are breathing. If you offer service to somebody like that, wash their clothes, you sweep their floor, it is incredible the kind of good karma we create and the depth of the connection that we make. Plus, when you offer service you learn Dharma in a way that you never learn it by reading books or in a formal teaching situation. When you offer service then you really see how this person practices Dharma in daily life situations. And you are right there and you see it. It can be very inspiring and sometimes be very puzzling. But it then it becomes like a koan. Why did they do that? What does that mean?

I remember one time very clearly, it was '76 or '77, a long time ago. It was at Kopan. And you know that in Nepal at all the monasteries, at everything, the first thing you build is a fence around your piece of land. Kopan had a brick wall around its piece of land. They were out there putting pieces of broken glass, cementing it on top of the brick wall. Lama Yeshe was out there with the monks putting these broken pieces of glass on top of the brick wall which was maybe eight feet tall. And I saw him doing that and I thought, “Why is he putting glass on the top of the wall? We are Buddhists, we should be welcoming everybody. Are they doing that to keep out the villagers because they are afraid they will steal? We Buddhists, we should be giving things away, we shouldn't be so possessive.” So my mind got a little bit judgmental, “Why is Lama doing this? Glass is going to hurt somebody. Why not just build the wall higher?” So that has always stayed with me. I was so puzzled. How can someone with Lama's incredible, such a magnificent teacher, and his compassion was very clear. How can he do something like this? It took me a long time to figure out that he was preventing the villagers from creating the negative karma of stealing from the sangha. He was helping to preserve and protect the requisites of the sangha so the people who were there, the young monks, could continue to practice and learn the

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Dharma and train in bodhicitta. It took me a long time to figure that that was why he was doing that. But if I hadn't been offering service, I would not have seen that. I would not have had that opportunity to have what for many years was a koan and was actually quite a profound teaching for me.

Q: Why didn't you ask Lama about this at the time?

V: No, he was up on a ladder, totally involved in putting this glass on the wall. I didn't want to distract him while he was doing that.

So when you offer service, when you are right there, then you really see how people make decisions, how they do things. It is quite important because you can learn so much through observing. It always astounds me how some people feel like they don't want to be near their teacher. It is so high energy. And I always wanted to be near my teachers and I was always upset because I couldn't be as near to them as I wanted to be. Then when I meet other people and try to make opportunities for them to be near teachers and they say, “No” I am so shocked and astounded because this is the opportunity that I would have died for. But people's minds are really different, “Oh, well, that is too much pressure.” It is very interesting how people see things.

(3) By offering our practice:Then the third offering is offering our practice. That is the best kind of offering. That is the offering of not just doing the sitting meditation but actually transforming our mind so our behavior changes. So actually, if we are doing the offering of intensive practice then to some extent or another we will automatically be making offerings of possessions and service. In the Lama Chopa after we do the mandala offering there is one verse that is the offering of practice where we imagine all the realizations as the trees with flowers and the fruits on them the five paths and the three higher trainings. So we think of developing the three

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higher trainings in our mind, developing the six far reaching practices, developing the five paths and offering those. In that particular verse you are imaging a beautiful environment and offering it; but that is not necessary, it could just be: “I spent my day working on my own mind and I offer that.” And that is the offering that pleases our teachers the most because that's the whole thing that they are teaching us for, is so that we'll transform our mind. So if we hear live teachings but we don't try and practice them, then we might flit around our teacher and offer lots of money and compete with all the other disciples for who is going to bring them tea, but how much virtue are we actually creating? We really want to try and offer our practice as well.

It says that the importance of correctly relying upon an all-kind spiritual mentor cannot be overemphasized. It is really important. The term here: 'relying upon a spiritual mentor' this is what the actual Tibetan term sheng-ling tempa should be translated as. Sometimes it is translated as guru devotion. That is an incorrect translation which gives wrong understanding actually; for we want to create: how to rely on a spiritual mentor so that we obtain benefit from the relationship, so we can progress along the path. Of course having respect, faith and appreciation and gratitude is part of it, but not this thing of, “There is the great guru in the sky and I am this little ant and I am surrendering,” becoming kind of like an idiot. Or running around, “Oh, I have got to do this for my teacher! Oh, I have got to sweep this room! Oh, you have to cut the apple this way, the teacher doesn't not like the apple cut that way. Don't do it that way, you idiot! Cut the apple this way because we have to please our teacher.” It is not doing any of that stuff.

“ Meeting with and being cared for in this and future lives by a spiritual mentor with whom you have a Dharma relationship is purely your responsibility, so serve your spiritual mentor well.” I think this sentence is incredibly important because we want to meet with a qualified spiritual mentor in this life AND future lives. We have

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to really prepare for future lives: all our future lives from now until enlightenment. We have to plant those seeds for meeting a good teacher now. Because if in a future life we meet a bad teacher, then remember Jim Jones who had all of those disciplines take poison? You meet some really weirdo teacher, you can't make any progress on the path if you have faith in that kind of teacher. So that is why in this life we really have to create the karma to meet that very good teacher in future lives; with whom you have a Dharma relationship. There might be a very excellent spiritual teacher but maybe you don't have a Dharma relationship? So we have to create that Dharma relationship and doing that is our own responsibility.

It is not our teacher's responsibility to call us up on the phone and say, “You haven't been to Dharma class for so long. Are you feeling OK? How is everything in your life?” It is not our teacher's responsibility to call us and say, “Please come for tea. I am missing you. You are one of my most excellent students.” It is not our Dharma teacher's responsibility to say, “Would you like to learn such and such a practice?” We are responsible for creating the relationship. It can be as close as we want it to be, or it can be as distant as we want it to be. Being around our teachers all the time does not necessarily mean we have a close relationship. Be physically separate does not mean we have a distant relationship. Because the closeness and the distance depends on what is going on in our own heart. That is what makes us close or far away from our teacher. That is our responsibility.

So developing the faith and connection and gratitude and appreciation: that is up to us to develop. It is up to us to request our teachers for teachings. It is up to us to request and not just go in there and say, “Yeah, how are you doing today? Yeah, um, I would really like to take initiation. Can you give me initiation next Wednesday?” Or, “I've been thinking about ordaining can you arrange an ordination ceremony for me?” That is not how we request our teacher. When you really really

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appreciate the role that your teacher plays in your life: you prepare properly, and you go in with an offering, and you make three prostrations, and you kneel down, and you respectfully make the offering, and you sit lower than your teacher, and you explain from a really dedicated heart what you are feeling. Sometimes with our teachers, we have certain teachers who we are more informal with. But on certain things there is a place to be quite formal with them on certain occasions. But all this thing of how we build the relationship is up to us.

It is not up to our teacher to come and hold our hand, “Hi, dear. You are so wonderful. I've been missing you in Dharma class. Why don't you come more often? You are really one of the most intelligent, creative, highly respectable students in the whole group. You should really try to make a little more effort. Come to my house and I will give you dinner.” This is not up to our teacher to do, OK? It is up to us to create the relationship.

You may have noticed I go every year to India; this is why I go every year to India. My teachers aren't going to come here. Once in a while some of my teachers will come here. We've been incredibly fortunate; several of my teachers have come here. But I've got to go to them and if I have to travel halfway around the world, I do it. We have got to see what is important in our life and to know we're responsible for creating those relationships: for keeping them strong in our own hearts; because I don't see my own teachers so often. There was a time when I saw them every day; I was living with my teachers. But in my heart my teachers are there all the time. It doesn't matter whether I'm close or distant. This is the value of doing the guru yoga practice. You are doing the guru yoga when you are doing Chenrezig. You're thinking of Chenrezig as the nature of your teacher. Then there is always that connection. As you build your own bodhicitta and wisdom, then your mind gets closer to your teacher, you build that connection.

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I remember Lama Yeshe one time saying, he was talking about this, “Sometimes the people who don't see their teachers very often are very close to their teachers and the teachers keep around them the people who are most desperately in need of help.” And that was one thing where I felt a little bit relieved. I remember there was this one man who I really didn't like and he always always got to be around Lama and I never got to be. So then I got a little bit arrogant. He is such a disaster that is why Lama keeps him close. And I am so good, that is why I am not: conceited mind.

So let’s sit quietly.....