Pinocchio in The Bronx__________________________________

By Rom Watson

A fable for adults

Loosely based onThe Adventures of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi

Contact:Rom Watson836 Westbourne Drive, #106West Hollywood, CA 90069(310) 652-3760cnrwatson@earthlink.netwww.romwatson.com

Unpublished work © 2013 RomWatson

Cast:

PINOCCHIOGEPPETTOCRICKETLAMP-WICKFOXWORTH, magicianCATHERINE, magician’s assistantALIDORO, undercover copTHE BLUE ANGELTRIXIE

(CATHERINE, THE BLUE ANGEL and TRIXIE may all be played bythe same actress, who can also provide the voice-over ofthe FEMALE BLUE WHALE. CRICKET, LAMP-WICK and ALIDORO maybe played by the same actor, who can also provide the TVANNOUNCER voice-over.)

The character of PINOCCHIO is not be played by a female.An adult male provides the voice of the puppet and playsthe character after his transformation.

The location: The Bronx and surrounding environs.

The time: The present.

There is no intermission.

1

(Bronx Park. Late afternoon.GEPPETTO, who looks to be inhis 60’s or 70’s, sits undera PINE TREE. As the audienceenters the theatre, they seeGEPPETTO carving the likenessof a man from a piece ofwood. The house lights fadeand the play begins. GEPPETTOyawns and lies down to nap. Adog enters, played either bya puppet or by an actor in adog costume. DOG sniffs atGeppetto, then turns itsattention to the tree.)

PINE TREEOh no.

(The PINE TREE is voiced bythe actor who will voicePinocchio. DOG sniffs thetree.)

PINE TREEGo away! Shoo!

(DOG raises a hind leg andurinates on the tree.)

PINE TREEOhhh; not again.

(DOG finishes and exits.)

PINE TREEThere’s gotta be more to life than being peed on.

(Pause. Lights change to indicate evening.)Psst. Hey. Old man. Wake up.

(Pause. Yells:)Wake up!

(GEPPETTO opens his eyes.)You. Old man. Behind you. That’s right, a talking tree.Deal with it.

GEPPETTOWhat the. . .?

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PINE TREEI saw you carving. I watched you before you fell asleep. Ineed your help.

GEPPETTOMe?

PINE TREEYou may be the only person who can help me.

(Blackout. When the lightsrise, we are in Geppetto’sworkshop. It used to be thedining room of his home, butnow it contains a workbench,table saws, a wood-burningstove, etc. Adjoining theworkshop is Geppetto’s livingroom, which includes a couch.GEPPETTO sits at hisworkbench. HE uses a blockplane to smooth a section oftree trunk from which he hasremoved the bark. Theaudience cannot see his handsas he works, nor what heholds. If possible, thelighting in this scene shouldresemble that in the 1932film Frankenstein. [Thecreation scene occurs 22minutes into the film.])

GEPPETTOAlways with the grain, never against it.

(GEPPETTO continues working. Then:)I see you, inside the wood, and I’m going to set you free.

PINE TREE/PINOCCHIO PUPPETJust make me into a man. I’ll set myself free.

(GEPPETTO, a chisel in onehand and a mallet in theother, shapes the wood,turning it into the torso andhead of a wooden boy.GEPPETTO secures the wood in

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a vise, then begins to paintthe face.)

GEPPETTOI’m gonna call you Pinocchio.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETSuit yourself. Where are we again?

GEPPETTOOn Arthur Avenue; in the Fordham section of The Bronx.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETIs that far from the park?

GEPPETTONot too far.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETMake me handsome.

(GEPPETTO continues paintingthe face, humming to himselfas he works.)

GEPPETTOThere. You’re a rock star.

(GEPPETTO picks up the woodenboy and exits the workroom.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhere are we going?

GEPPETTOTo the backyard.

(A hand-made coffin sits onthe ground next to a shoveland a freshly dug hole. Thehole may be just offstage.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhat about my arms and legs?

GEPPETTOI’ll get to those. But first I need you to do something forme.

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PINOCCHIO PUPPETAre we going to play a game?

GEPPETTONo . . .

PINOCCHIO PUPPETAwww.

GEPPETTOWell . . .I suppose it is sort of a game.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI like games.

GEPPETTOThis is like the game of hide-and-seek. I’m going to putyou in this box, and you can’t make a sound until I takeyou out. When I open the box, I want you to say, “I loveyou, Father.” Can you say that? Can you do that for me?

PINOCCHIO PUPPET“I love you, Father.”

GEPPETTO(GEPPETTO is touched.)

That . . .that was very good.(GEPPETTO hugs Pinocchio.)

Now remember, don’t make a sound until I take you out ofthe box.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHey wait a minute – that – that box – it’s a coffin!

GEPPETTOShhh. Play along and be quiet until I take you out.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWait! Wait! No! No, I don’t want to be buried alive!

(GEPPETTO places Pinocchio inthe coffin, puts the lid onand buries it. WE hearPinocchio’s muffled screamsthroughout. GEPPETTO cries,perhaps takes a drink from aflask, then digs up the

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coffin. GEPPETTO takesPinocchio out, holds him tohis chest, rocks him gentlyback and forth, and kisseshim on the cheek. HE waitsfor Pinocchio to say hisline.)

GEPPETTOWell?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhat kind of freak are you?

(Disgusted the marionetteruined his redemptionfantasy, GEPPETTO crosses tothe workshop and putsPinocchio to bed on a dogpillow. HE starts to exit.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHey wait a minute – what about my arms and legs?

GEPPETTOYou’ll get arms and legs when you learn to do what you’retold.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETListen, I’m sorry your kid died, but don’t take it out onme.

GEPPETTODon’t you talk about him!

(GEPPETTO exits.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’m trapped with a lunatic.

(Slight pause.)I gotta get outta here.

(The lights fade to black.When they rise, GEPPETTO andPINOCCHIO watch TV from thecouch.)

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PINOCCHIO PUPPETPlease Father. Please give me arms and legs. It’s beenweeks and weeks since you made me.

GEPPETTOHow do you know how long it’s been?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETAll we do is watch TV. When you made me, basketball seasonwas starting, and now March Madness just ended. PleaseFather. I promise I’ll be good.

GEPPETTOWould you even know how to be good?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHell yeah. I’ve seen enough episodes of Law and Order toknow right from wrong.

GEPPETTOHow do I know you won’t run away?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI . . .I . . .I got no place else to go. Please, Father. Ifyou give me arms and legs I promise I’ll do whatever yousay.

GEPPETTOHmm. I wouldn’t have to lug you around.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETYeah, and I’d be able to get you a beer from the fridgewhenever you want.

GEPPETTOYeah. You could rub my feet, too.

(HE thinks.)Alright, but you better behave, or I’ll take ‘em right off,you hear me?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETYes, Father.

(GEPPETTO takes Pinocchio tohis workbench and begins toattach arms and legs to themarionette.)

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GEPPETTOTell me something. How could a tree talk?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI grew over an ancient Native American burial ground.

GEPPETTONative Americans live in The Bronx?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThey used to. The Weckquasgeck.

(GEPPETTO finishes attachingarms and legs, then dresseshim in a costume with roomypockets for holding props.GEPPETTO sets the puppet onthe floor.)

GEPPETTOThere. Stand up. Let’s see if you can walk.

(Up until this point, thePINOCCHIO PUPPET has beenoperated by GEPPETTO. Now thePINOCCHIO PUPPET begins to beanimated by puppeteers.Perhaps by one, two or threeNingyotsukai puppeteers, inthe style of traditionalJapanese Bunraku theatre.Pinocchio is NOT animated inthe style of Avenue Q, wherethe puppeteer’s face isclearly visible. The actorproviding the voice ofPinocchio must not be seenuntil the character becomesreal. PINOCCHIO PUPPET takesa few halting steps, thenstops.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETAren’t you going to record this?

GEPPETTOI don’t have a video camera.

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PINOCCHIO PUPPETLoser.

(PINOCCHIO PUPPET resumes hiscautious walking.)

GEPPETTOYou remind—- I mean, . . .very good, Pinocchio.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’m the best marionette ever.

(GEPPETTO hugs him.)

GEPPETTONow go get me a beer.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETComin’ right up. A nice cold one.

(PINOCCHIO PUPPET gets a beerfrom the offstage fridge asGEPPETTO sits on the couch.)

GEPPETTORub my feet.

(PINOCCHIO PUPPET hands thebeer to Geppetto, then giveshim a foot massage.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETDid ya ever think of trimmin’ these nails?

GEPPETTOI wish you could be a real boy.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETUgh. I don’t.

GEPPETTOPinocchio; don’t you want to be real? Like me?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETAre you kiddin’? If I were real I’d have feelings.

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GEPPETTOWhat’s wrong with havin’ feelings?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETYou have feelings and they cause you nothin’ but grief.I’ve seen you late at night, lookin’ at that album ofpictures and cryin’ like a baby.

GEPPETTOSome feelings do cause pain, but not all. Some feelings. . .are wonderful.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThe good ones can’t be worth the bad ones. Your arthritiscauses you terrible pain, so bad you have to take thosepills. Sometimes you have to tie up your arm and takemedicine from a needle.

GEPPETTO(Guiltily.)

You saw that?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhy would you want me to have feelings?

GEPPETTO. . .I have feelings for you; feelings of pride,protectiveness . . .What father doesn’t have feelings forhis son?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’m not really your son. I’m made of wood, remember?

GEPPETTOI . . .have feelings for you anyway.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETEven though I’m a smartass?

GEPPETTOYeah.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThat’s not logical.

GEPPETTOWhat’re you--Spock? No, it’s not logical.

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PINOCCHIO PUPPETLogic is all I’ve got to go on. Why should I join you inyour misery?

GEPPETTOYou think it over. Maybe you’ll come up with the answer.It’s time for bed. You want me to read you a story?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETDoes it have feelings in it?

GEPPETTOYeah.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’ll pass. What’s on TV?

(GEPPETTO picks up a remoteand turns on the TV. As theywatch the news, the lightsfade to black.)

TV ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER ONLY)Dick Whittington was found dead this morning, killed by anapparent overdose of crystal meth. Whittington’s death isonly the latest in a series of deaths caused by the drug.Police have closed down many small meth labs, but have beenunable to locate the large meth lab believed to be here inManhattan. Apparently this large meth lab has created adeadly version of the drug that is responsible for therecent deaths. Whittington is survived by his cat.

(When the lights rise, emptybeer cans surround Geppetto.HE can barely keep his eyesopen. PINOCCHIO PUPPETwatches Geppetto, waiting.Finally, GEPPETTO passes out.PINOCCHIO PUPPET takes thecan of beer out of Geppetto’shand. Geppetto doesn’t waken,so HE sets the can down andquietly exits the house.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThanks old man. Now I can finally see the world.

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(It begins to rain.Overjoyed, PINOCCHIO PUPPETpauses to soak it up, armsoutstretched, reaching to thesky. [The rain can besimulated with projectionsand sound effects.])

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’ve missed the rain so much.

(Suddenly: Thunder. PINOCCHIOPUPPET freezes.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHoly crap.

(Lightening fills the sky.Terrified for his life,PINOCCHIO runs back toGeppetto’s, where he crouchesin fear.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETRunning away is going to take more planning than I thought.

(HE grabs a rag from theworkbench and dries himselfoff. Then HE moves his dog-bed next to the wood-burningstove. HE lies down in bedand props his feet up overthe stove.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThis will dry me off completely.

(PINOCCHIO goes to sleep. Thelights dim, then turn red andpulse. Perhaps FLAMESportrayed by masked actorsemerge from the wood-burningstove and tickle the feet ofthe sleeping marionette.THEIR movements emulate fire.THEY remove Pinocchio’s feetand toss them back and forthin the air, then put the feet

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in the stove. THEY take vialsof ash from their pockets andempty the ash into two pileson the top of the stove nearPinocchio’s stumps. TheFLAMES exit into the stove.[Alternative: only the armsof the actor(s) portrayingflame emerge from the stove.]The lights rise and PINOCCHIOawakens. HE tries to get outof bed but cannot stand.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThis is not good. How am I supposed to walk without feet?

(HE puts his hands on thefloor and walks around onthem, his stumps in the air.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI am so clever. Not even mutilation can stop me. Woohoo!But . . .everything is upside down. I don’t want to gothrough life upside down. People will think I’m eccentric.

(HE calls to Geppetto, still passed out on the couch.)Father! Help me, Father!

(GEPPETTO awakens.)

GEPPETTOHuh? What? Pinocchio! Pinocchio, where are your feet?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI lost them while I was dreaming.

(PINOCCHIO lifts one hand andpoints to the stove. GEPPETTOcrosses to the two piles ofash, inspects them, thenscoops them into the stove.)

GEPPETTOWhy did you put your feet on the stove?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThey got wet in the rain, so I put them on the stove todry.

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(GEPPETTO crosses to thecouch and sits.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHey! Come back here! You have to give me some new feet.

GEPPETTOWhy? So you can run away again?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI wasn’t running away.

GEPPETTOYeah? Then why didya go outside?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETBecause it was raining. I love the rain. When I was a tree,rain was my favorite thing in the world. Not only would itrinse off the dog piss, it rejuvenated me.

GEPPETTOSo you’re rejuvenated now?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWell . . .no. I don’t know why, but I’m not.

GEPPETTOCause you got no roots now. No bark, neither.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHuh.

GEPPETTORain’s never gonna feel the same as it used to.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETOh.

(GEPPETTO crosses to hisworkbench and rummagesunderneath it. HE finds twoplungers, minus the woodenhandles. HE crosses toPINOCCHIO and attaches themto his stumps. PINOCCHIOtakes a few halting steps.)

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GEPPETTOHow do you like your new feet?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThey’re practical; but are they fashionable?

GEPPETTOThey were made by Gucci.

PINOCCHIO PUPPET(Impressed.)

Oooh. Couture.

GEPPETTOSo. Ya still think feelings are worthless?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWell . . .I suppose if I’d had feelings, my feet wouldn’thave gone up in smoke.

GEPPETTOThat’s right, Pinocchio. Feelings can be painful, but atleast you know you’re alive.

(HE crosses to the offstage fridge.)We’re out of beer; I’ll be back.

(GEPPETTO exits.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETFinally, I have the place all to myself. I can do whateverI want.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)You’re not alone, young Pinocchio. I live here too.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWho said that?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)I did. I’m on the stove.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI don’t see anyone.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Look closer.

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(PINOCCHIO crosses to thewood-burning stove.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETAww, you’re nothing but a cricket.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)A talking cricket. Acheta domesticus loquendi.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’ll call you “Cricket.” Did you grow up on an ancientNative American burial ground?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Why yes I did.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThose Native Americans must have had some strong mojo.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)As a matter of fact, medicine men were said to be able toconverse with any kind of animal they might meet.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHey; just because you can talk doesn’t mean you knoweverything.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)I know a lot more than you do.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETIs that so.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)I know that you’re a smart aleck.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETEverybody knows that.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Do you know birds have two stomachs?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETNobody needs to know that. Not even birds.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Do you know Italy is shaped like a boot?

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PINOCCHIO PUPPETI hope that boot kicks your ass.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Do you know George Washington had wooden teeth?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThat’s nothin’; my whole body is made of wood. Why are youtelling me these things?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)To show you what you can learn in school.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETSchool? Why would I go to school when I can watch TV?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Not everything can be learned from watching television.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETLike what?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Like, . . .do you know about The Blue Angel?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThe Blue Angel? What is that?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)She’s someone people go to when they need help making theirdreams come true.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETDo you think she could help me?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)She might; she’s helped a lot of other people.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhat does she look like?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)I would describe her as a handsome woman, with a strongnose and a strong chin.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhere do I find her?

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CRICKET (VOICE OVER)That I don’t know. I’ve only ever seen pictures of her. Ithink she hovers, and floats around from place to place.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETCool. Maybe I’ll go out looking for her tomorrow.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Oh no, tomorrow is school.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI don’t have to go to school. School is for real boys. I’mmade of wood.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)You’re still a boy, and all boys have to go to school.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETFor how long?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Thirteen years.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThirteen years?!

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)If you want a high school diploma. But that’s not worthmuch these days, so people who want to be extra smart gofor seventeen years.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThere’s no way I’m goin’ ta school for thirteen years.Being smart isn’t worth it.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)If you don’t go to school, you’ll never amount to anything.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhy would I want to amount to something? I’m already me.What more could I want?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)If you don’t go to school, then your only option is tolearn a trade.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI don’t want to learn a trade.

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CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Then how are you going to get a job?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhy would I need a job? I don’t eat, I don’t need shelterexcept when there’s lightning, . . .

(Gets an idea.)Do ya think the old man would send me to school?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)I doubt it. He hasn’t sent you so far, and you’ve been herefor weeks. That’s why I’m trying to convince you school isworthwhile. Talk to Geppetto, tell him you’re hungry forknowledge.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI wouldn’t even need to run away. Thanks, Cricket.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)You can’t leave him.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhy not? He was supposed to make me into a man, not keep meprisoner.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)He’ll be heartbroken.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhat is that?

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)He’ll start taking even more drugs.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETIf that’s what he likes, let him.

CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Geppetto’s not going to let you run away.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHe’s not gonna find out.

(PINOCCHIO picks up Cricketand crosses the stage.)

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CRICKET (VOICE OVER)Where are you taking me?

(PINOCCHIO lifts the lid ofthe offstage toilet.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETBon voyage, Mr. Know-it-all.

(PINOCCHIO flushes CRICKETdown the toilet.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETNobody tells me what to do.

(GEPPETTO enters with a brownbag and exits to the kitchen.HE returns without the bagand sits on the couch.)

GEPPETTOPinocchio. Rub my feet.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETAgain?

(PINOCCHIO reluctantly beginsto rub Geppetto’s feet.)

GEPPETTOThat feels good. I could use a beer.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhy? Afraid you’ll get sober?

(PINOCCHIO stops.)

GEPPETTOWhy’d ya stop?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETBecause your feet are gross.

(Slight pause.)How come we never go anywhere?

GEPPETTOI already been everyplace I wanted to go.

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PINOCCHIO PUPPETI haven’t. How ‘bout you take me somewhere.

GEPPETTOWhere?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETAnywhere that’s not this rat hole.

GEPPETTOYou don’t like this place, clean it up.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI ain’t no maid.

GEPPETTOYou need to learn manners.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWell when you learn some, you can teach me. How come I gotno mother?

GEPPETTOShe died. A long time ago.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETGet another one.

GEPPETTOI don’t want another one.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETDon’t you think I should have a mother?

GEPPETTOWhy? You think she’d be any nicer to you than me? You’re abrat. My late wife, may she rest in peace, didn’t toleratebrats, and if she were here she’d . . .

(GEPPETTO trails off, lost inthought.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPET(Belligerent.)

She’d what?(GEPPETTO prepares to leave.)

What are ya doin’?

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GEPPETTOGoin’ out.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETCan I come with?

GEPPETTONot this time. But tomorrow. Tomorrow you’re goin’ places.

PINOCCHIO PUPPET(Excited.)

Where?

GEPPETTOA place they’ll teach ya some manners.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETGood luck with that.

(GEPPETTO puts on a pea coat.)Why ya wearing such a heavy coat?

GEPPETTONever mind.

(GEPPETTO starts to exit andPINOCCHIO PUPPET follows. HEsees LAMP-WICK outside.)

GEPPETTOWhere duhyuh think you’re goin’?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI wanna talk to that kid.

(GEPPETTO gives PINOCCHIO PUPPET a look.)I will be here when you get back, I promise. I am not goingto run away . . .

(GEPPETTO exits.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPET. . .today. Hey kid. Come over here.

(LAMP-WICK enters, wearing acostume with a distinctivestriped or plaid pattern;something immediately

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recognizable. HE is between11 and 14 years of age.)

LAMP-WICKWho are you?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThe old man calls me Pinocchio.

LAMP-WICKEverybody calls me Lamp-Wick. How come you look so. . .different?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’m made of wood.

LAMP-WICKWhoa.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’m a marionette.

LAMP-WICKWe’re Episcopalian.

(LAMP-WICK pinches him.)Did you feel that?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETFeel what?

LAMP-WICKI pinched you.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’m wood: I don’t have feelings.

LAMP-WICKI wish I were made of wood.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhy?

LAMP-WICKSo my bruises wouldn’t hurt.

(LAMP-WICK rolls up hissleeve.)

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PINOCCHIO PUPPETHow did you get those?

LAMP-WICKI . . .”wasn’t looking where I was going and accidentallywalked into a door.”

PINOCCHIO PUPPETBut you have so many.

LAMP-WICKUhh . . .we have a lot of doors.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETBruises cause you pain?

LAMP-WICKYeah. A lot of it.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’m glad I don’t have feelings.

LAMP-WICKYou’re lucky.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETNot that lucky. Not if I have to go to school. Is schoolany fun?

LAMP-WICKFun? No it’s not fun. Haven’t you ever been to school?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETNo. Father just gave me arms and legs yesterday.

LAMP-WICKSchool is awful. They make you learn things.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThey won’t be able to make me learn anything. Not with mywooden head. What’s the worst part about school?

LAMP-WICKThe other kids.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhat’s the best part about school?

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(LAMP-WICK ponders this.)

LAMP-WICKI can’t think of a best part.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETYou wanna play a game?

LAMP-WICKYeah, but I gotta go. I’ll get in trouble if I’m not homesoon.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETOkay. Meet me here tomorrow morning, so you can show me theway to school.

(LAMP-WICK exits. Lightschange to indicate thepassage of time as PINOCCHIOPUPPET crosses to the couch.GEPPETTO enters.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhere’s your coat?

GEPPETTOI pawned it. It was too warm. But I got ya somethin’.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETFor me?

GEPPETTOA cell phone. I programmed my number into it, and if youever need me, or you get lost, you call me. Understand?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETDoes it have games on it?

GEPPETTONo, it’s only for phone calls.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETAww . . .

GEPPETTODid you make friends with that kid?

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PINOCCHIO PUPPETLamp-Wick? Sure. Who wouldn’t wanna be friends with me?

GEPPETTOGood, you can walk to school with him.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETSchool? I’m not goin’ to school.

GEPPETTOHey! I gave you arms and legs, remember?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETYeah . . .

GEPPETTOPromise me you will go to school tomorrow.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI promise I’ll go.

(Lights fade to black. Whenthey rise it is morning, infront of Geppetto’s. LAMP-WICK enters.)

LAMP-WICKPinocchio?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETYeah, I’m comin.’

(GEPPETTO and PINOCCHIOenter.)

GEPPETTOYou got your cell phone?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETIn my pocket.

GEPPETTOCome straight home after, I wanna hear about your firstday. And remember, stay away from fire.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThanks old man.

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(GEPPETTO hugs Pinocchio.PINOCCHIO and LAMP-WICK startto walk to school, andGEPPETTO waves to them andexits. PINOCCHIO stops andlooks back to make sureGeppetto is gone.)

LAMP-WICKCome on. We’ll be late.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’m not going to school. That was never the plan.

LAMP-WICKWhere are you going?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhere’s a good place to have fun?

LAMP-WICKLuna Park.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhat’s Luna Park?

LAMP-WICKIt’s the greatest place in the world. There are rides, andgames, and magicians, and candy. . .

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHow do we get there?

LAMP-WICKTake the D train all the way to Coney Island.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHow much does it cost?

LAMP-WICKIt’s a school day, so it’ll only cost $30 instead of $34.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI don’t have any money.

LAMP-WICKNeither do I, but I know where to get some.

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PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhere?

LAMP-WICKWe’ll pawn your cell phone.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETFather gave that to me. He said I’ll need it if I ever getlost.

LAMP-WICKYou’re not going to get lost, you’ll be with me. Besides,the great thing about a pawnshop is you can buy your stuffback.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETIs this place worth it?

LAMP-WICKIt’ll be the most fun you’ll ever have. It’s like the wholeworld is having a birthday party on the same day!

PINOCCHIO PUPPETReally?

LAMP-WICKAt Luna Park, you can do whatever you want.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETAlright! Let’s go!

(THEY exit. The entrance toLuna Park is lowered intoview, or perhaps a curtain ispulled away to reveal it:four gold, filigree crescentmoons, each surrounding apinwheel of twelve orangespokes emanating from ablack, circular hub. Thesemoon/pinwheels are positionedat staggered heights in ahorizontal line above thestage. PINOCCHIO and LAMP-WICK enter.)

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LAMP-WICKWhaddid I tell ya.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI never dreamed having fun could be so much fun.

LAMP-WICKSee?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETLamp-Wick, I’m so glad I listened to you. That Air Raceride was awesome.

(THEY cross to a small stagewith a closed curtain. Abovethe curtain is a banner: “TheCunning Mr. Foxworth,Magician at Large.”CATHERINE enters through thecurtain and pushes it to oneside. Perhaps a fanfare isplayed. FOXWORTH enters,dressed as a magician.CATHERINE is his assistant,and her costume may include atop hat, a coat with tailsover a bustier and dancepants, fishnet stockings andhigh heels. FOXWORTH iselegant, his manner of speechmore refined than the othercharacters.)

FOXWORTHWelcome, revelers.

(FOXWORTH performs a simplemagic trick, but Pinocchioand Lamp-Wick are youngenough to be impressed. As HEperforms his magic act,perhaps Fine and Dandy orCaravan is played over thesound system. CATHERINE takesthe trick away when he hasfinished.)

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PINOCCHIO PUPPETHow did you do that?

FOXWORTHMagic.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhat’s magic?

FOXWORTHEverything is magic, if you know how to look at it.

(FOXWORTH performs another trick. CATHERINE againtakes it away when he has finished.)

Magic is the ability to make impossible things happen.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI think I must be magic.

LAMP-WICKYou?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI can talk, can’t I?

LAMP-WICKSo can I.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETBut you’re not made of wood.

FOXWORTHWood? Your appearance is not the result of Botox?

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI’m a marionette. You gotta problem with that?

FOXWORTHA marionette? Yes, of course, I see it now; a marionette,but without all those pesky strings. Perhaps you have beentouched by magic.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETSee? I toldya.

LAMP-WICKWow.

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FOXWORTHBut that doesn’t mean you can perform magic. Makingimpossible things happen requires skill and willpower andcomplete control over your mind.

(FOXWORTH performs a final magic trick.)And of course, a lovely assistant. Thank you, Catherine.

(To his audience.)And thank you.

(FOXWORTH and CATHERINE bowand exit as PINOCCHIO andLAMP-WICK applaud.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETWhat should we do next?

LAMP-WICKLet’s ride the Electro Spin.

(PINOCCHIO and LAMP-WICKexit, and then make a seriesof crosses from one side ofthe stage to the other. Ontheir first cross, LAMP-WICKholds cotton candy. On theirsecond cross, they holdstuffed animals. On theirthird cross they sporttattoos or pierced ears.These crosses show thepassage of time and also anescalating sense of freedomand adventure. [If thetheatre has the capability ofprojecting video, this couldbe a videotaped montage.]PINOCCHIO and LAMP-WICK enterand cross downstage.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHey! You’ve sprouted a tail!

LAMP-WICKWhat?

(HE feels behind him and finds that he has indeedgrown a tail. He looks behind PINOCCHIO PUPPET.)

You’ve got one too!

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(PINOCCHIO feels behind himand finds he too has grown atail.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETOh no! We’re turning into--

PINOCCHIO PUPPET and LAMP-WICKDouche bags!

(PINOCCHIO and LAMP-WICK pulltheir tails around frombehind, revealing them to theaudience. Their tails arehoses from douche bags,complete with nozzles on theend.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETThis must be magic.

LAMP-WICKWe better find that magician and make him undo this.

(THEY run to the small stage.FOXWORTH and CATHERINE are ona break. Perhaps HE reads acopy of Faust while SHEpaints her nails red. LAMP-WICK and PINOCCHIO hold uptheir tails.)

LAMP-WICKWhy did you give us tails?

FOXWORTHI didn’t do anything to you. You grew those tails all byyourselves.

PINOCCHIO PUPPETHow could that happen?

FOXWORTHAnyone who spends all their time satisfying their owndesires, with no thought to the needs of others, eventuallyturns into a douche bag.

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PINOCCHIO PUPPETUse your magic to make them disappear!

FOXWORTHMagic doesn’t work that way. Everyone has to live with theresults of their decisions.

LAMP-WICKWhat’s going to happen to us?

FOXWORTHWhen your transformation is complete, you’ll be sold to aspa to administer colonics.

LAMP-WICKI don’t want to give colonics!

(LAMP-WICK runs away andPINOCCHIO follows. FOXWORTHgrabs a hooked pole and runsafter them. When HE re-enters, FOXWORTH has caughtLAMP-WICK by the back of hiscollar. The collar stretchesabove LAMP-WICK’s head, andattached to his collar is thetop of a douche bag, the partwith the hole. FOXWORTH hasthe hook through this hole.)

FOXWORTHOpen the cage.

CATHERINEWhere’s the other one?

FOXWORTHHe got away. But he won’t last long. It’ll be easy to findhim once the transformation is complete.

(THEY exit. The lights changeto indicate a change ofscene. PINOCCHIO enters andsits down on the curb.)

PINOCCHIO PUPPETI don’t want to be a douche bag . . .what am I gonna do?Help! Somebody help me!

BIBLIOGRAPHY

The Adventures of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi. c. 1883

Translated by Carol Della Chiesa