Acknowledgments

Iwouldliketogratefullythank:KayCannon,RichardDean,EricGurian,John

Riggi,andTracyWigfieldfortheireyesandears.DaveMinerformakingmedothis.ReaganArthurforteachingmehowtodothis.KatieMiervaldisforherdedicatedserviceandLatviandemeanor.TomCerauloforhismadcomputerskills.MichaelDonaghyfortwoyearsofSundays.

JeffandAliceRichmondfortheirconstantloving

encouragementandtheirconstantlovinginterruption,respectively.

ThankyoutoLorneMichaels,MarcGraboff,andNBCforallowingustoreprintmaterial.

Contents

FrontCoverImage

Welcome

Dedication

Introduction

OriginStory

GrowingUpandLikingIt

AllGirlsMustBeEverything

DelawareCountySummerShowtime!

That’sDonFey

ClimbingOldRagMountain

YoungMen’sChristianAssociation

TheWindyCity,FullofMeat

MyHoneymoon,orASupposedlyFunThingI’llNeverDoAgainEitherTheSecretsofMommy’sBeauty

RemembrancesofBeingVeryVerySkinny

RemembrancesofBeingaLittleBitFat

AChildhoodDream,Realized

PeeinginJarswithBoys

IDon’tCareIfYouLikeIt

Amazing,Gorgeous,NotLikeThat

DearInternet

30Rock:AnExperimenttoConfuseYourGrandparents

Sarah,Oprah,andCaptainHook,orHowtoSucceedbySortofLookingLikeSomeoneThere’saDrunkMidgetinMyHouse

ACelebrity’sGuidetoCelebratingtheBirthofJesus

JuggleThis

TheMother’sPrayerforItsDaughter

WhatTurningFortyMeanstoMe

WhatShouldIDowithMyLastFiveMinutes?

Acknowledgments

Copyright

*Oritwouldbethebiggest

understatementsinceWarrenBuffettsaid,“Icanpayfordinnertonight.”OritwouldbethebiggestunderstatementsinceCharlieSheensaid,“I’mgonnahavefunthisweekend.”So,youhaveoptions.

*Improvwillnotreducebellyfat.

*IfyougetthisreferencetoDavidFosterWallace’s1997

collectionofessays,consideryourselfamemberoftheculturalelite.Whydoyouhateyourcountryandflagsomuch?!

*TheViennesedonotenjoyAmericansketchcomedy.

*ThisisapaidendorsementfromtheSauconyCorporation.

*IsayHarvard“Boys”

becausetheyarealmostalwaysmale—butnotexclusively;rockon,AmyOzols!—andbecausetheyareusuallyundertwenty-fiveandhaveneverdonephysicallaborwiththeirarmsorlegs.Ilovethemverymuch.

*WhenIaskedSteveHigginsifherememberedtheWeekendUpdatepissjarhesaid,“Yes,andbesureyoumentiontheboogerthathad

beenwipedonthewallandpaintedover.”SoI’mmentioningit.

*Istheresuchathingasanall-jerkworkplace?Yes.Iwouldflat-outavoidworkingwithWallStreettradersorthewomenwhorunthechangingroomsatFilene’sBasement.

*Nosethinned.Glassesmadelessawesome.Grimaceinverted.Digitalwigswap.

Teethadded.

Necklineartificiallylowered,nocleavagefound.Lawnchairremovedandsoldatyardsale.

*Notthe102ndmostpopulartelevisionshowofalltime.The102ndmostpopulartelevisionshowof2006.

*Actually,thatonlyhappenedtomeoncethatI

knowabout.AcoworkeratSNLdroppedanangryC-bombonmeandIhadtheweirdestreaction.Tomysurprise,Iblurted,“No.Youdon’tgettocallmethat.Myparentsloveme;I’mnotsomeAdultChildofanAlcoholicthat’sgoingtotakethatshit.”

Anditneverhappenedagain…thatIknowof.

*Althoughgoodnewsgivesmeangina,Iamimpervioustobadnews.IshouldbeinoneofthoseOliverSacksbooks,becausesurelyIhavearareheadinjury.

*ThisisnotsomethingIwouldnormallydo,butIwantedeverythingtobeperfectforMissOprah.JonHamm,ifyoucomeback,Iwillnotbepre-inspectingyourtoilet.Imayinspectit

afterwardtomakesureyoudidn’tstealanything.

*SeeifyoucanguesswhatIchangedhisnametointhatchapter.

*Itwasn’tthelasttime,apparently.Also,Iamavailableforpartiesandcorporateevents.

*Exceptforseveralverysatisfyingwork-related

things.

*ApparentlyMargaretThatcherisaliveandsaysofcourseshewouldhavetoldthenannydirectlyabouttheproblemandshethinksIamacompletechickenshit.

*Iknowit’sbullshitthatIsay“babysitter”insteadofnanny.WhatIhaveisafull-timenanny,andIshouldberoundlypunishedfortryingto

makeitseemliketheteenagernextdoorcomesoveronenightaweek.ButIdon’tliketheword“nanny.”Itgivesmeclassanxietyandraceanxiety.AndthatiswhyIwillhenceforthrefertoournannyasourCoordinatorofToddlery.

*Thesemomentsinclude:cleaningpoopoutofaone-piecebathingsuit,gettingkickedinthetitsbysomeone

whodoesn’twanttoputonhershoes,DoratheExplorer.

Copyright

Copyright©2011byLittleStranger,Inc.

Allrightsreserved.ExceptaspermittedundertheU.S.CopyrightActof1976,nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,distributed,ortransmittedinanyformorby

anymeans,orstoredinadatabaseorretrievalsystem,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthepublisher.

ReaganArthurBooks/Little,BrownandCompany

HachetteBookGroup

237ParkAvenue

NewYork,NY10017

Visitourwebsiteatwww.HachetteBookGroup.com

www.twitter.com/littlebrown

FirsteBookEdition:April2011

ReaganArthurBooksisanimprintofLittle,BrownandCompany,adivisionofHachetteBookGroup,Inc.TheReaganArthurBooksnameandlogoaretrademarks

ofHachetteBookGroup,Inc.

Thepublisherisnotresponsibleforwebsites(ortheircontent)thatarenotownedbythepublisher.

Portionsofthisbookhaveappeared,inslightlydifferentform,inTheNewYorker(“WhatShouldIDowithMyLastFiveMinutes?,”“AChildhoodDream,Realized,”“PeeinginJarswithBoys,”

and“IDon’tCareIfYouLikeIt”).

Theauthorisgratefulforpermissiontousematerialfromthefollowing:Scriptexcerptsandphotographsfrom30RockcourtesyofNBCUniversal.30Rock©2011NBCStudios,Inc.and™

RockefellerGroup,Inc.AllRightsReserved.Script

excerptsandphotographsfromSaturdayNightLivecourtesyofBroadwayVideoEnterprisesandNBCStudios,Inc.©2011NBCStudios,Inc.DistributedbyBroadwayVideoEnterprises.

PhotographyCredits:pages6(top)and160(left)©2008/MaryEllenMatthews/NBC;pages6

(bottom)and229,Alethea

McElroy;page159,RamonaRosales,courtesyofBUSTMagazine;page160

(right),Ferguson&KatzmanPhotography/HaloImages;pages178and191from30RockcourtesyofNBCUniversal;page199(left)©2010/DanaEdelson/NBC;page199(middleandright)©2005/DanaEdelson/NBC;pages208,218,220,and226

©2008/DanaEdelson/NBC;page233,JakeChessum/Time

&LifePictures/GettyImages.

Baileyd@Demonoid.me

ISBN:978-0-3161-7586-9

TableofContents

CopyrightPage

ForJeanneFey:

HappyMother’sDay.Imadethisoutofmacaroniforyou.

IntroductionWelcomeFriend,

CongratulationsonyourpurchaseofthisAmerican-madegenuinebook.Eachcomponentofthisbookwasselectedtoprovideyouwithmaximumbookperformance,whateveryourreadingneedsmaybe.

Ifyouareawomanandyouboughtthisbookforpracticaltipsonhowtomakeitinamale-dominatedworkplace,heretheyare.Nopigtails,notubetops.Crysparingly.(Somepeoplesay

“Neverletthemseeyoucry.”Isay,ifyou’resomadyoucouldjustcry,thencry.Itterrifieseveryone.)Whenchoosingsexualpartners,remember:Talentisnot

sexuallytransmittable.Also,don’teatdietfoodsinmeetings.

Perhapsyou’reaparentandyouboughtthisbooktolearnhowtoraiseanachievement-oriented,drug-free,adultvirgin.You’llfindthat,too.Theessentialingredients,Icantellyouupfront,areastrongfatherfigure,badskin,andachild-sizedcolonial-ladyoutfit.

MaybeyouboughtthisbookbecauseyouloveSarahPalinandyouwanttofindreasonstohateme.We’vegotthat!Iuseallkindsofelitistwordslike“impervious”and“torpor,”andIthinkgaypeoplearejustasgoodatwatchingtheirkidsplayhockeyasstraightpeople.

Maybeit’sseventyyearsinthefutureandyoufoundthisbookinastackofjunkbeing

usedtoblocktheentranceofanabandonedStarbucksthatisnowafeedingstationforthealienmilitia.Ifthat’sthecase,Ihavesomequestionsforyou.Suchas:“Didwereallyruintheenvironmentasmuchaswethought?”and“IsGleestillathing?”

Ifyou’relookingfora

spiritualallegoryinthestyleofC.S.Lewis,IguessyoucouldpiecesomethingtogetherwithLorneMichaelsasasymbolforGodandmystruggleswithhairremovalasametaphorforvirtue.

Orperhapsyoujustboughtthisbooktolaughandbeentertained.Foryou,Ihaveincludedthisjoke:“Twopeanutswerewalkingdownthestreet,andonewasa

salted.”Yousee,Iwantyoutogetyourmoney’sworth.

AnyonewhoknowsmewilltellyouthatIamallaboutmoney.Imean,justlookhowwellmylineofzodiac-inspiredtoeringsandhomeopathicchildren’smedicationsaresellingonHomeShoppingNetwork.BecauseIamnothingifnotanamazingbusinesswoman,Iresearchedwhatkindof

contentmakesforbestsellingbooks.Itturnsouttheansweris“one-nightstands,”drugaddictions,andrecipes.

Here,weareoutofluck.ButIcanofferyouluridtalesofanxietyandcowardice.

WhyisthisbookcalledBossypants?One,becausethenameTwoandaHalfMenwasalreadytaken.Andtwo,becauseeversinceIbecame

anexecutiveproducerof30Rock,peoplehaveaskedme,

“Isithardforyou,beingtheboss?”and“Isituncomfortableforyoutobethepersonincharge?”Youknow,inthatsamewaytheysay,“Gosh,Mr.Trump,isitawkwardforyoutobethebossofallthesepeople?”Ican’tanswerforMr.Trump,butinmycaseitisnot.I’velearnedalotoverthepastten

yearsaboutwhatitmeanstobethebossofpeople.Inmostcasesbeingagoodbossmeanshiringtalentedpeopleandthengettingoutoftheirway.Inothercases,togetthebestworkoutofpeopleyoumayhavetopretendyouarenottheirbossandletthemtreatsomeoneelseliketheboss,andthenthatpersonwhisperstoyoubehindafakewallandyoutellthemwhattotellthefirstperson.

ContrarytowhatIbelievedasalittlegirl,beingthebossalmostneverinvolvesmarchingaround,wavingyourarms,andchanting,“Iamtheboss!Iamtheboss!”

Formethisbookhasbeenasimpletaskofretracingmystepstofigureoutwhatfactorscontributedtothisperson…

developingintothisperson…

whosecretlypreferstobethisperson.

Ihopeyouenjoyitsomuchthatyoualsobuyacopyforyoursister-in-law.

TinaFey

NewYorkCity,2011

(It’ssohardtobelieveit’s2011already.I’mstillwriting“TinaFey,grade4,room

207”onallmychecks!)

OriginStory

MybrotheriseightyearsolderthanIam.Iwasabigsurprise.Awonderfulsurprise,mymomwouldbequicktotellyou.Althoughhavingababyatfortyisacommonplacefool’serrandthesedays,backin1970itwasprettyunheard-of.Womenaroundmymom’s

officereferredtoherpregnancyas

“Mrs.Feyandherchange-of-lifebaby.”WhenIwasbornIwasfussedoveranddotedon,andmybrotherhasalwayslookedoutformelikeathirdparent.

ThedaybeforeIstartedkindergarten,myparentstookmetotheschooltomeettheteacher.

Mymomhadtakenmyfavoriteblanketandstitchedmyinitialsintoitfornaptime,justlikeshe’ddoneformybrothereightyearsearlier.Attheteacherconferencemydadtriedtogivemynaptimeblankettotheteacher,andshejustsmiledandsaid,“Oh,wedon’tdothatanymore.”That’swhenIrealizedIhadoldparents.I’vebeenworriedaboutthemeversince.

Whilemyparentstalkedtotheteacher,Iwassenttoatabletodocoloring.IwasintroducedtoaGreekboynamedAlexwhosemomwasnextinlinetomeetwiththeteacher.Wecoloredtogetherinsilence.IwassousedtobeingpraisedandencouragedthatwhenIfinishedmydrawingIheldituptoshowAlex,whoimmediatelyrippeditinhalf.Ididn’thavethelanguagetoexpressmy

feelingsthen,butmythoughtsweresomethinglike“Oh,it’slikethat,motherfucker?Gotit.”Mrs.Fey’schange-of-lifebabyhadenteredtherealworld.

Duringthespringsemesterofkindergarten,Iwasslashedinthefacebyastrangerinthealleybehindmyhouse.Don’tworry.I’mnotgoingtolayoutthegrislydetailsforyoulikeasweepsepisodeof

Dateline.IonlybringituptoexplainwhyI’mnotgoingtotalkaboutit.

I’vealwaysbeenabletotellalotaboutpeoplebywhethertheyaskmeaboutmyscar.Mostpeopleneverask,butifitcomesupnaturallysomehowandIofferupthestory,theyarequiteinterested.Somepeoplearejustdumb:“Didacatscratchyou?”Godbless.Thosesweet

dumdumsInevermind.Sometimesitisafunsociologylitmustest,likewhenmyfriendRickyaskedme,“Didtheyevercatchtheblackguythatdidthattoyou?”Hmmm.Itwasnotablackguy,Ricky,andIneversaiditwas.

Thenthere’sanothersortofpersonwhothinksitmakesthemseembraveorsensitiveorwonderfullydirecttoask

meaboutitrightaway.Theyaskwithquiet,feignedempathy,“Howdidyougetyourscar?”Thegrossestmoveiswhentheysaythey’reonlycuriousbecause“it’ssobeautiful.”Ugh.

Disgusting.Theymightaswellwalkupandsay,“MayIbeamazingatyou?”Tothesefolksletmebeclear.I’mnotinterestedinactingoutaTVmoviewithyouwhereyou

befriendagirlwithascar.AnOscar-ySpielbergmoviewhereIplayameanGermanwithascar?Yes.

Mywholelife,peoplewhoaskaboutmyscarwithinoneweekofknowingmehaveinvariablyturnedouttobeegomaniacsofaverageintelligenceorless.AndegomaniacsofaverageintelligenceorlessoftenendupinthefieldofTV

journalism.So,yousee,ifItellthewholestoryhere,thenIwillbe

askedaboutitoverandover

bythehostsofAccessMovietownandEntertainmentForeverfortherestofmyshort-livedcareer.

ButIwilltellyouthis:Myscarwasaminiatureformofcelebrity.KidsknewwhoIwasbecauseofit.Lotsofpeoplelikedtoclaimtheyweretherewhenithappened.Iwasthere.Isawit.CrazyMikedidit!

Adultswerekindtomebecauseofit.AuntsandfamilyfriendsgavemeEastercandyandoversizeHershey’sKisseslongafterIwastoooldforpresents.Iwasmadetofeelspecial.

Whatshouldhaveshutmedownandmademefeel“lessthan”endedupgivingmeaninflatedsenseofself.Itwasn’tuntilyearslater,maybenotuntilIwaswriting

thisbook,thatIrealizedpeopleweren’tmakingafussovermebecauseIwassomeincrediblebeautyorgenius;theyweremakingafussovermetocompensateformybeingslashed.

IacceptedalltheattentionatfacevalueandproceededthroughlifeasifIreallywereextraordinary.IguesswhatI’msayingis,thishasallbeenawonderful

misunderstanding.AndIshallkeeptheseGoldenGlobes,everylastone!

GrowingUpandLikingIt

AttenIaskedmymotherifIcouldstartshavingmylegs.Mydarkshinfurwashardtoignoreinshortsweather,especiallysincemybestfriendMaureenwasapaleIrishlasswhoprobablydoesn’thaveanyleghairto

thisday.MymomsaiditwastoosoonandthatIwouldregretit.Butshemusthavelookedatmyincreasinglyhairyandsweatyframeandknownthatsomethingwasbrewing.

Afewmonthslater,shegavemeaboxfromtheModesscompany.Itwasa“myfirstperiod”kitandinsideweresamplesofpadsandpantylinersandtwopamphlets.

Onewiththevaguelythreateningtitle“GrowingUpandLikingIt”andonecalled“HowShallITellMyDaughter?”I’mprettysureshewas

supposedtoreadthatoneandthentalktomeaboutit,butshejustgavemethewholeboxandslippedoutoftheroom.

“GrowingUpandLikingIt”wasafakecorrespondencebetweenthreeyoungfriends.Throughtheirspunkyinterchange,allmyquestionsandfearsaboutmenstruationwouldbeanswered.

“HowShallITellMyDaughter?”

AsInauseouslyperused“HowShallITellMyDaughter?”Istartedtosuspectthatmymomhadnotactuallyreadthepamphletbeforehandingitofftome.Hereisarealquotefromtheactual1981

edition:

Abook,ateacherorafriendmayprovideherwithsomeofthefactsaboutthemenstrualcycle.

Butonlyyou—thepersonwhohasbeenteachingheraboutlifeandgrowingupsinceshewasaninfant—canbestprovidethewarmguidanceandunderstandingthatisvital.

Wellplayed,JeanneFey,well

played.

Theexplanatorytextwasfollowedbyalotofdrawingsofthehumanreproductivesystemthatmybrainrefusedtomemorize.(Tothisday,allIknowistherearebetweentwoandfouropeningsdownthereandthatthesetupinsidelooksvaguelyliketheTexasLonghornslogo.)Ishovedtheboxinmycloset,whereithauntedmedaily.There

mightaswellhavebeenaguydressedlikeFreddyKruegerintherefortheamountofanxietyitgaveme.EverytimeIreachedintheclosettograbaSundayschooldressormycolonial-ladyHalloweencostumethatIsometimesrelaxedinafterschool—“Modesssss,”ithissedatme.“Modesssssiscomingforyou.”

Then,ithappened.Inthe

springof1981IachievedmenarchewhilesingingNeilDiamond’s

“SongSungBlue”atadistrictwidechorusconcert.Iwastenyearsold.Ihadnoticedsomethingwasweirdearlierintheday,butIknewfromcommercialsthatone’smenstrualperiodwasablueliquidthatyoupouredlikelaundrydetergentontomaxipadstotesttheirabsorbency.

Thiswasn’tblue,so…Iignoreditforafewhours.

WhenwegothomeIpulledmymomasidetoaskherifitwasweirdthatIwasbleedinginmyunderpants.Shewasverysympatheticbutalsoalittlebaffled.Hereyessaid,“Dummy,didn’tyouread

‘HowShallITellMyDaughter?’”Ihadreadit,butnowhereinthepamphletdid

anyonesaythatyourperiodwasNOTablueliquid.

Atthatmoment,twothingsbecamecleartome.Iwasnowtechnicallyawoman,andIwouldneverbeadoctor.

WhenDidYouFirstKnowYouWereaWoman?

WhenIwaswritingthe

movieMeanGirls—whichhopefullyisplayingonTBSrightnow!—IwenttoaworkshoptaughtbyRosalindWisemanaspartofmyresearch.RosalindwrotethenonfictionbookQueenBeesandWannabesthatMeanGirlswasbasedon,andsheconductedalotofself-esteemandbullyingworkshopswithwomenandgirlsaroundthecountry.Shedidthisparticularexerciseinahotel

ballroominWashington,DC,withabouttwohundredgrownwomen,askingthemtowritedownthemomenttheyfirst“knewtheywereawoman.”Meaning,“Whendidyoufirstfeellikeagrownwomanandnotagirl?”Wewrotedownouranswersandsharedthem,firstinpairs,theninlargergroups.Thegroupofwomenwasraciallyandeconomicallydiverse,buttheanswershadavery

similartheme.

Almosteveryonefirstrealizedtheywerebecomingagrownwomanwhensomedudedidsomethingnastytothem.“Iwaswalkinghomefromballetandaguyinacaryelled,‘Lickme!’”“Iwasbabysittingmyyoungercousinswhenaguydrovebyandyelled,‘Niceass.’”Therewereprettymuchzeroexampleslike“IfirstknewI

wasawomanwhenmymotherandfathertookmeouttodinnertocelebratemysuccessonthedebateteam.”Itwasmostlymenyellingshitfromcars.Aretheyapatrolsentouttoletgirlsknowthey’vecrossedintopuberty?Ifso,it’sworking.

Iexperiencedcarcreeperyatthirteen.IwaswalkinghomefrommiddleschoolpastaplacecalledtheWorld’s

LargestAquarium—which,legally,Idon’tknowhowtheycouldcallitthat,becauseitwasobviouslyanaverage-sizedaquarium.MaybeIshouldstartreferringtomyselfastheWorld’sTallestManandseehowthatgoes?Anyway,IwaswalkinghomealonefromschoolandIwaswearingadress.

Adudedrovebyandyelled,“Nicetits.”Embarrassedand

enraged,Iscreamedafterhim,“Suckmydick.”

Sure,itdidn’tmakeanysense,butatleastIdidn’tholdinmyanger.

Thankfully,blessedly,yelling“Suckmydick”isnotthemomentIreallyassociatewithenteringwomanhood.Forme,itwaswhenIboughtthiskickasswhitedenimsuitattheSpringfieldmall.

IboughtitwithmyownmoneyundertheadvisementofmycoolfriendSandee.IworeittoSeniorAwardsNight1988,whereitblewpeople’smindsasIacceptedtheSundaySchoolScholarship.

Thatturned-upcollar.Thejacketthatzippedallthewaydownthefrontintoanicefittedshape.Thewhitedenimthatmademyuntannedskin

looklikeacolor.JustonceI’dliketofindanOscarsorEmmysdressasradasthissuit.

SuburbanGirlSeeksUrbanHealthCare

Itmayhavebeenamistaketohavemyfirst-evergynecologyappointmentinaPlannedParenthoodonthenorthsideofChicago.Iwastwenty-threeandhonestly,

therewasnoneed.Mywholesetupwasstillfactory-new.ButIhadneverbeenandIhadsomeinsurance,sowhynotbeproactiveaboutmyhealthliketheeducatedyoungfeministIwas?Islippedonmypumpkin-coloredswingcoatwiththeSojournerTruthbuttononitandheadedtotheirgrimlocationinRogersPark.Allthewindowswerecovered,andyouhadtobebuzzedin

throughtwodifferentdoors.Thisplacewasnotkiddingaround.

IsatamongtheAIDSposters,proudlyreadingToniMorrison’sJazz.MaybelaterIwouldtreatmyselftosweetpotatofriesattheHeartlandCafé!

Iwastakentoanexaminingroomwhereabigbutchnursepractitionercameinand

askedmeifIwaspregnant.“Noway!”WasIsexuallyactive?“Nope!”HadIeverbeenmolested?“Well,”Isaid,tryingtomakeajoke,“Oprahsaystheonlyanswerstothatquestionare‘Yes’and‘Idon’tremember.’”Ilaughed.Wewerehavingfun.Thenurselookedatme,concerned/annoyed.“Haveyoueverbeenmolested?”“Oh.No.”Thenshetookoutaspeculumthesizeofamilk

shakemachine.EvenMichelleDuggarwouldhaveflinchedatthisthing,butIhadneverseenonebefore.“What’sthatdevicef—?”

BeforeIcouldfinish,thenurseinsertedthemilkshakemachinetothehilt,andIfainted.Iwasawakenedbyasharpsmell.Anassistanthadbeencalledin,I’msureforlegalreasons,andwaswavingsmellingsaltsunder

mynose.AsI“cameto,”thenursesaid,“Youhaveashortvagina.IthinkIhityouinthecervix.”AndthenIfaintedagaineventhoughnoonewaseventouchingme.Ijustwentoutlikeshehadhitaresetbutton.I’msurprisedIdidn’twakeupspeakingSpanishlikeBuzzLightyear.WhenIwokeupthesecondtime,thenursewasopenlyirritatedwithme.DidIhavesomeonewhocouldcomeandpickme

up?“Nope!”“You’regoingtohavetomakeanotherappointment.Icouldn’tfinishthePapsmear.”“WHYDIDN’TYOUFINISHITWHILEIWASOUT?”Iyelled.Apparentlyit’sagainstthelaw.ThensheaskedifIcouldhurryupandgetoutbecausesheneededtoperformanabortiononWillonafromGoodTimes.

AllGirlsMustBe

Everything

WhenIwasthirteenIspentaweekendatthebeachinWildwood,NewJersey,withmyteenagecousinsJanetandLori.Inthespaceofthirty-sixhours,theytaughtmeeverythingIknowaboutwomanhood.Theyknewhowto“layout”inthesunwearingtanningoilinsteadofsunscreen.Theytaughtmethatyoucouldmakeareverse

tattooinyourtanifyoucutashapeoutofaBand-Aidandstuckitonyourleg.TheytaughtmeyoucouldlistentoGeneralHospitalontheradioifyouturnedtheFMdialwaydowntothebottom.

Wildwoodisahugewidebeach—thedistancefromyourtoweltothewaterwasoftenequaltothedistancefromyourmoteltoyourtowel.And“backintheday”

theplacewaspackedexclusivelywithvery,verytanItalianAmericansandvery,veryburnedIrishAmericans.Asalittlekid,Ialmostalwaysgotseparatedfrommyparentsandwouldpanictryingtofindthemamongdozensanddozensofsimilarumbrellas.

OneafternoonagirlwalkedbyinabikiniandmycousinJanetscoffed,“Lookatthe

hipsonher.”

Ipanicked.Whataboutthehips?Weretheytoobig?Toosmall?Whatweremyhips?Ididn’tknowhipscouldbeaproblem.Ithoughttherewasjustfatorskinny.

ThiswashowIfoundoutthatthereareaninfinitenumberofthingsthatcanbe“incorrect”onawoman’sbody.Atanygivenmoment

onplanetEarth,awomanisbuyingaproducttocorrectoneofthefollowing“deficiencies”:

bigpores

oilyT-zone

cankles

fivehead

lunchladyarms

nipplestoobig

nipplestoosmall

breaststoobig

breaststoosmall

onebreastbiggerthantheother

onebreastsmallerthantheother(Howarethosetwodifferentthings?Idon’t

know.)nasallabialfolds

“noarchinmyeyebrows!”

FUPA(adelightfullycrudeacronymforaprotrudinglowerbelly)muffintop

spiderveins

saddlebags

crotchbiscuits(that’swhatIcallthewobblytriangleson

one’sinnerthighs)thinlashes

bonyknees

lowhairline

calvestoobig

“nocalves!”

“greenundertonesinmyskin”

andmypersonalfavorite,

“badnailbeds”

Inhindsight,I’mprettysureJanetmeantthegirl’shipsweretoowide.Thiswasthelateseventies,andtheseventieswereasmall-eyed,thin-lippedblondwoman’sparadise.IrememberwatchingThree’sCompanyasalittlebrown-hairedkidthinking,“Really?Thisiswhatweget?JoyceDeWittisourbrunetrepresentative?

She’sgotthatgreasy-lookingbowlcutandtheymakeherwearsuntanpantyhoseunderherfootballjerseynightshirt.”Imayhaveonlybeensevenoreight,butIknewthatthissucked.Thestandardofbeautywasset.CherylTiegs,FarrahFawcett,ChristieBrinkley.Smalleyes,toothysmile,boobies,nobuttocks,yellowhair.

Let’stalkaboutthehair.Why

doIcallit“yellow”hairandnot“blond”hair?BecauseI’mprettysureeverybodycallsmyhair“brown.”WhenIreadfairytalestomydaughterIalwayschangetheword

“blond”to“yellow,”becauseIdon’twanthertothinkthatblondhairissomehowbetter.

Mydaughterhasareversibledoll:SleepingBeautyonone

sideandSnowWhiteontheother.IwouldalwayssetitonherbedwiththeSnowWhitesideoutandshewouldtoddleuptoitandfliptheskirtovertoSleepingBeauty.Iwouldflipitbackandsay,“SnowWhiteissopretty.”Shewouldyell,

“No!”andflipitback.IdidthisexperimentsofrequentlyandconsistentlythatIshouldhaveappliedforgovernment

funding.Theresultwasalwaysthesame.WhenIaskedherwhyshedidn’tlikeSnowWhite,shetoldme,“Idon’tlikeherhair.”Noteventhreeyearsold,sheknewthatyellowhairisking.And,let’sadmitit,yellowhairdoeshavemagicpowers.Youcouldputablondwigonahot-waterheaterandsomedudewouldtrytofuckit.SnowWhiteisbetterlooking.Ihatetostiruptrouble

amongtheprincesses,buttakeawaythehairandSleepingBeautyisactuallyalittlebeat.

Sure,whenIwasakid,therewerebeautifulbrunettestobefound—LindaRonstadt,JaclynSmith,thelittleSpanishsingeronTheLawrenceWelkShow—buttheywereregardedasafun,exoticalternative.FarrahwasvanillaandJaclynSmithwas

chocolate.CanyourememberatimewhenpopculturewassowhitethatJaclynSmithwasthechocolate?!Bytheeighties,westartedtoseesomerealchocolate:HalleBerryandNaomiCampbell.“Downtown”JulieBrownandTyraBanks.ButIthinkthefirstrealchangeinwomen’sbodyimagecamewhenJLoturneditbutt-style.Thatwasthefirsttimethathavingalarge-scalesituation

inthebackwaspartofmainstreamAmericanbeauty.Girlswantedbuttsnow.Menwerefreetoadmitthattheyhadalwaysenjoyedthem.Andthen,whatfeltlikemomentslater,boom—Beyoncébroughtthelegmeat.Abackporchandthickmuscularlegswerenowwidelyadmired.Andfromthatdayforward,womenembracedtheirdiversityandrealizedthatallshapesand

sizesarebeautiful.Ahhaha.No.I’mtotallymessingwithyou.AllBeyoncéandJLohavedoneisaddtothelaundrylistofattributeswomenmusthavetoqualifyasbeautiful.Noweverygirlisexpectedtohave:

Caucasianblueeyes

fullSpanishlips

aclassicbuttonnose

hairlessAsianskinwithaCaliforniatan

aJamaicandancehallass

longSwedishlegs

smallJapanesefeet

theabsofalesbiangymowner

thehipsofanine-year-oldboy

thearmsofMichelleObama

anddolltits

ThepersonclosesttoactuallyachievingthislookisKimKardashian,who,asweknow,wasmadebyRussianscientiststosabotageourathletes.Everyoneelseisstruggling.

EventheYellowhairswhowereonceontopcannowbe

foundsquattingtoaRihannasonginaclasscalledGary’sGlutesCampinanattempttoreverse-engineerabutt.Thesearedarktimes.BackinmyWildwooddayswithJanet,youwereeitherblessedwithabeautifulbodyornot.Andifyouwerenot,youcouldjustchilloutandlearnatrade.Nowifyou’renot“hot,”youareexpectedtoworkonituntilyouare.It’slikewhenyourenovatea

houseandyou’relegallyrequiredtoleavejustoneoftheoriginalwallsstanding.Ifyoudon’thaveagoodbody,you’dbetterstarvethebodyyouhavedowntoaneutralshape,thenboltonsomebreastimplants,replaceyourteeth,dyeyourskinorange,injectyourlips,sewonsomehair,andcallyourselfthePlaymateoftheYear.

Howdowesurvivethis?

Howdoweteachourdaughtersandourgaysonsthattheyaregoodenoughthewaytheyare?Wehavetoleadbyexample.Insteadoftryingtofitanimpossibleideal,ItookapersonalinventoryofallmyhealthybodypartsforwhichIamgrateful:StraightGreekeyebrows.Theystartatthehairlineatmytempleand,leftunchecked,willgrowstraightacrossmyfaceandonto

yours.

Aheart-shapedass.Unfortunately,it’saright-side-upheart;thepointisatthebottom.

DroopybrowneyesdesignedtoconfusepredatorsintothinkingI’mjustonthevergeofsleepandtheyshouldcomebacktomorrowtoeatme.

Permanentlyroundedshouldersfromyearsofworkingatacomputer.

Aroundedbellythatispushedoutbymyroundedposturenomatterhowmanysit-upsIdo.

Whichismostlynone.

Asmallhighwaist.

Awadoflower-backfatthat

neverwentawayafterIlostmy“babyweight.”Onedayinthenexttenyears,thisbackrollwillmeetupwithmyfrontpouch,foreverobscuringmysmallhighwaist,andIwillofficiallybemymother.

Wide-setknockersthataren’tsobigbutcanbehoisteduponceortwiceayearforparades.

GoodstronglegswithbiggymteachercalvesthatIgotfromwalkingpigeon-toedmywholelife.

WideGermanhipsthatlooklikesomebodywrappedPillsburydougharoundacaseofsoda.

Myfather’sfeet.Flat.Bony.Pale.Idon’tknowhowheevengetsaround,becausehisfeetareinmyshoes.

Iwouldnottradeanyofthesefeaturesforanybodyelse’s.Iwouldn’ttradethesmallthin-lippedmouththatmakesmeresemblemynephew.Iwouldn’teventradetheacnescaronmyrightcheek,becausethatrecurringzitspentmoretimewithmeincollegethananyboyeverdid.

Attheendoftheday,I’mhappytohavemyfather’sfeetandmymother’seyes

withmeatalltimes.IfIevergobacktothatbeachinWildwood,Iwantmydaughtertobeabletofindmeinthecrowdbyspottingmysoda-casehips.Iwanthertobeabletopickmeoutofaseaofhighlighted-blondwomenwithfaketansbecauseI’mtheonewiththethickponytailandthegreenishundertonesinmyskin.

AndifIevermeetJoyceDeWitt,Iwillfirstapologizeforhavingimmediatelypunchedherintheface,andthenIwillthankher.ForwhileshelookedlikeaLizaMinnellidollthathadbeendamagedinafire,atleastshedidn’tlooklikeeverybodyelseonTV.

Also,fulldisclosure,Iwouldtrademyfeetforalmostanyothersetoffeetoutthere.

DelawareCountySummerShowtime!

(Allnamesinthisstoryhavebeenchanged,toprotectthefabulous.)

GayWales

In1976,ayoungCatholicfamilymannamedLarryWentzlerstartedayouththeaterprograminmyhometowncalledSummer

Showtime.Itreallyisaterrificmodelforacommunityprogram.YoungteenagerswouldputondailyChildren’sTheatershowsforthecommunity,givingpreschoolersaccesstolivetheaterataverylowcostforparents.TheolderkidswoulddirectthoseChildren’sTheatershowsandperforminBroadway-stylemusicalsbynight.Intheprocess,allthekidswouldlearnaboutmusic,

art,carpentry,discipline,friendship,andteamwork.It’safantasticprogramthatcontinuestothisday,andIcan’trecommendithighlyenough.

Larrydidn’tsetouttocreateahavenforgayteens,butyouknowhowsometimessquirrelseatoutofabirdfeeder?Larrybuiltabeautifulbirdfeeder,andthenextthingyouknew—fullofsquirrels.

ItookajobasthenightboxofficemanageratSummerShowtimebecausemyeleventh-gradeboyfriendsaidwe’dhavefunthere.Hepromptlybrokeupwithmetodateahotblonddancergirltowhomheisnowmarried,Godblessuseveryone.IshouldhaveknownheandIweren’tgoingtomakeitwhenformyseventeenthbirthdayhegavemeaboxofmicrowavepopcornanda

usedbatterytester.

Youknow,totestbatteriesbeforeIputtheminmyWalkman.Likeyougivesomeonewhenyou’reinlove.

Thosefirstfewnightsofbeingfreshly,brutallydumpedandsittingaloneintheboxofficewerenotsogreat.Iwasheartbrokenand,becausenoonehadcentralairbackthen,Ihadtocrymyself

tosleeponthefloorundertheairconditionerinmyparents’room.Butthen,likeDorothy’sinTheWizardofOz,myworldwentfromblack-and-whitetocolor.Because,likeDorothyinTheWizardofOz,Iwasembracedbythegays.Theylovedmeandpraisedme.Iwassofunnyandsomeanandmatureformyage!AndwithmylargebrowneyesIreallydidlooklikeayoungJudy

GarlandLornaLuft.

Beforemyeveningshift,IwouldhangoutwithmynewfriendTim,whoranthecostumedepartment.Timhadthehighest,loudestvoiceyou’veeverheard.Icouldsitthereforhourslisteningtohimscreechalongto“AndIAmTellingYouI’mNotGoing”whilehot-gluingJoseph’sAmazingTechnicolorDreamcoat

togetherbecausenoneofuscouldreallysew.Parentsoftheworld,thisiswhereyouwantyourseventeen-year-olddaughterspendinghersummer—snortingherDQBlizzardouthernosefromlaughingsohard.TheonlypersonfunnierthanTimwashismeaner,louder,higher-pitchedbrotherTristan.Onefamily,twoimpressivelygaybrothers.

ThatsummerIgottoknowfourfamiliesinwhichhalfthechildrenweregay.Incaseyou’reinterestedfromasociologicalpointofview,theywerealwaysCatholicandtherewerealwaysfourkids,twoofwhomweregay.WhatWalesistocrooners,myhometownmaybetohomosexuals—meaningthereseemstobeadisproportionatenumberofthemandtheyarethebestin

theworld!

Tristanwouldeggmeontotrash-talkthelittleblondiewhohad“stolen”myboyfriend.OfcourseIknownowthatnoonecan“steal”boyfriendsagainsttheirwill,notevenAngelinaJolieitself.

ButIwasfilledwithapoisonous,pointlessteenagejealousy,which,whencombinedwithgaycattiness,

canbeintoxicating.Likemeanmeth.AndguesswhoplayedJosephinJosephandtheAmazingTechnicolorDreamcoat,bytheway?Youguessedit,oldBattery-TesterJoe.Igottowatchhimintheshoweverynightandthencountmystubsinafour-footroomwhileheandtheblondelefttogetpizza.

Hewould’venevergivenheracrappybatterytester.Andif

hehad,sheprobablywouldhaveshovedituphertwatandtriedtoturniton.(ThisisthekindofmeanstuffTristanandIbondedover.Clearlyit’sverytoxic.)

TheunstatedthingthatTimandIhadincommonwasthatwehadcrushesonallthesameboys.

Theonlydifferencewas,Iwasallowedtotalkendlessly

aboutmyfeelingsandTimwasinthehalfcloset.

Nobodythoughthewasstraight,buthewasn’t“out”either.Hecertainlynevermadeamoveonanyone.Hiscrusheswouldmanifestthemselvesinotherways.TimhadarealjobworkingatMacy’s,andsometimeshewouldusehisdisposableincometo,youknow,buyRickMcMenaminabaseball

glove.

“Youweresayingtheothernightafterrehearsalhowyouneededanewglove,so…anyhoo,”he’dtrailoff.Thenicethingwas,thestraightboysdidn’tfreakoutaboutthis,andtheydefinitelykeptallthefreestuff.

Lotsofteenagegirlshavetakencomfortunderthewingsofhalf-closetedgay

boys,buthowmanyofuscanbragthathertwobestfriendsinhighschoolweretwenty-five-year-oldlesbians?ImetKarenandSharononedayinthemiddleofourgiantthousand-seatauditorium.Thekidwhoranthelightingbooth,aroughneckgirlnamedRitawhowouldonlyanswerto“Reet,”wasclimbingfromladdertoladderhanginglightsforTheJungleBookandcursinglike

asailorwithacornealpapercut.KarenwastheimprovteacherandSharonwastheheadscenicpainter,andthethreeofusfoundourselvesspellboundbythespinningmobileofprofanitythatwashangingfromtheceiling.Itwaslikelookinginthemonkeycagebutyoucanunderstandthemonkey,andwhatthemonkeyissayingis“Fuckallthesefuckingzoopeople.”Westartedlaughing

andwereinseparableforthenextsixyears.

KarenandSharonhadbeenacoupleatsomeunspecifiedtimeinthepastbutwerenowjustfriendswithasymmetricalhaircuts.Wespentdaysandweeksdoingnothing,callingoneanothertentimesadaytoscheduleournothing-doing.Anentireeveningcouldconsistofrentingamovie,suchasThe

StepfatherorthatonewherespiderscomeoutofMartinSheen’sface,andmakingnachos.Doyourememberwhataculturalphenomenonhomemadenachoswere?Ifyouareunderthirty,youprobablydon’tevenrealizetherewasatimewhenpeopledidn’thavenachos.Wejuststoodaroundeatingcrackers.

YouknowthatgameCelebritythatyouandyour

friendsinventedincollege?Well,firstofall,youdidn’tinventit.ItwasdevelopedbyNASAtokeepgirlsvirginswellintotheirtwenties.Andsecondofall,weplayeditbetterthanyoubecauseweplayeditfournightsaweek.Weworeitout.“Okay,thisisJoanCollins’scharacterfromDynasty.”“Alexis!”“No,herfullname.”“AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter!”

Whenwefinallygottiredofplaying,aroundmidnight,wewouldswitchtoaversioncalledCelebrityBoff,inwhichyoucouldonlywritedownthenamesofcelebritiesyouwouldsleepwith.

PlayingCelebrityBoffwithtwohalf-closetedgayguys,twolesbians,andonestraightgirlmadeforaneasygame.JodieFoster’snamewasalwaysintherefourtimes.

AntonioBanderasappealedtoallsectors.“Thisisthatsameonewekeepgetting—”“PrincessStephanieofMonaco!”

Itisatestamenttomyparentsthattheyneverreactednegativelytothefour-year-longprideparadethatmarchedthroughtheirhouse.Theywelcomedtheseweirdos(theywereweirdosinotherways,notbecauseof

theirsexualpreference)withopenarmsandfedthemalluntiltheyweresick.Onlyoncedidmymothersay,“ThatKarenisalittlebutch,don’tyouthink?”Ifeignedignorancebadly,“Inotknowwhatyoumean!”andslippedoutforanightofsame-sexnachosandnameyelling.

IguessIshouldalsostatethatKarenandSharonneverhitonmeintheslightestandit

wasneverweirdbetweenanyofus.Gaypeopledon’tactuallytrytoconvertpeople.That’sJehovah’sWitnessesyou’rethinkingof.

NoonewaseverturnedgaybybeingatSummerShowtime,becausethat’snotpossible.Ifyoucouldturngayfrombeingaroundgaypeople,wouldn’tKathyGriffinbeRosieO’Donnellbynow?Thestraightboys

quicklylearnedtobeacceptingandeasygoing,andthestraightgirlslearnedoverthecourseofseveralyearstostopfallinginlovewithgayboys.

ByAugust,Iwascomingoutofmygloom.Itookafreeafternoondanceclasswherewebasicallyjustdidjazzrunsbackandforthacrossthelobby.Theteachercalledme“FrankensteinArms”because

Iwouldmovemyrightarminunisonwithmyrightleg,likeaFrankenstein.SinceIhadbeenthrownoverforadancer,thisstung.ButIpersevered.

IwastheyoungestpersoninourgroupoffriendsandIalwayshadacurfew.Iwasnotoriousforfreakingoutwhenitwastimetogo.Itdidn’tmatterifwewereatlocaleaterytheCritic’s

ChoiceenjoyingmozzarellasticksafterarehearsaloratTimandTristan’shousewatchingSleepawayCamp—theonewherethedemoniclittlegirlturnsouttohaveapenis—whenIhadtogo,Iwouldshutapartydown.“Hurryup.Idon’twanttogetintrouble.”PleatedeightiesBossypants.

Whenthesummerwasover,Ihadmadeabouttwenty-five

newfriendsandwasnolongerweepingintomymom’sradiatorcover.ButmostofthekidsinSummerShowtimewenttotheCatholicschoolsdowntheroadorwerewellintotheirtwenties,soIdidn’tseethemasmuchonceschoolstarted.

AftertheGreatestSummer

Ihadtotakeeleventh-gradehealthintwelfthgrade.Ihad

postponedittheyearbeforesoIcouldtakechoirandEncoreSingers—itwaskindofabigdealtobeinboth,whatever.Iwasalto1,butsometimestheyhadmesingsecondsoprano.Ihadasoloin“OHolyNight”inaperformanceatthemall.IndowntownPhiladelphia.Enough!Stopaskingaboutit!

Thehealthteacher,Mr.Garth,hadathickblond

mustache—theuniversalsignofintelligence—andarural-Pennsylvaniaaccentthatmadehimsay“dawn”insteadof“down”and

“yuman”insteadof“human.”Oneday,inwhatIhopewasadeparturefromthestatecurriculum,Mr.

Garthdevotedanentireperiodtoteachingus“howtospotandavoidhomosexuals.”

IcouldnotbelievewhatIwashearing.

Idon’tknowwhathappenedtothisguyattheTeachersCollegeofAnthraciteville,buthehadsomeopinions.“Thesehomosexuals,they’lltrickya.They’llfineoutwhatkindamusicyalike,whatkindacandyyalike,thenthey’llinviteyoudawntotheirhouse.”AsIlistened,incredulous,Icouldn’thelp

butpictureayoungMr.GarthbeingluredintoavanbyPaulLynde.“Heythere,sonny,myfriendsandIwerejustgoingintothewoodstoenjoysomeJethroTullandaMarsbar.Interested?”Oh,theshamethatmusthavewashedoverMr.Garthas“MinstrelintheGallery”cametoanendandherealizedthatwasnoMarsbar!Buttherewasnoturningback.Hehadalreadyeatenhalfofit.

Mybloodstartedtoboilashecontinued.“Ifyou’retalkingtosomeoneandyouthinktheymightbeahomosexual,justrun.Justgetoutofthereandtellthenearestadult.”IstayedafterclasstotellhimthatIthoughthehadmisspoken.“Ithinkwhatyoumeanttosaywas‘childmolesters,’not

‘homosexuals.’”HejustwatchedmyhandsmoveasI

talked,notunlikeadog.ItbecameclearthatmyschoollifeandmyShowtimelifewereseparate.

TheGreatestNewYear’sEvePartyofAllTime

ThelinebetweenShowtimefriendsandschoolfriendswasbreachedonNewYear’sEve1987.

MySummerShowtimefriend

BrendanhadaNewYear’sEveparty.Brendanwasaverydramaticboywhowouldsaythingstomelike“Didyoueverthinkthatmaybethemanthatdidthattoyourfacedidittomarkyousohecouldfindyoulaterinlife?”SeewhatImeanaboutthequestionbeingareflectionoftheasker?WhenBrendanlosthimselfinalongdramaticrant,youcouldalwaysshuthimupbysaying,“Ilikethat

monologue.Isitfrom’night,Mother?”

HehadabeautifulfacewithpoutylipsandthatswoopyhairthatwassopopularduringthesecondReaganadministration.HewasthescenicartistunderSharonandhewoulddothingslikepainttheentirefloorofthestageanhourbeforeaperformance(ruiningthewhiteshortsthekidshadbeenaskedtobring

infromhometobeinthechorusof“FreetoBe…YouandMe”).Thenhe’ddisappearfortwodays,emergingwithaten-pageletterofapology.Hewasamess,andhisNewYear’spartywasexpectedtobeawesome.

Iwasateetotaleratthetime,andnoneofmyclosefriendswerebigdrinkers.IwentwithKarenandSharon,andthe

placewasalreadypackedwhenwegotthere.ThekitchenanddiningroomwerefullofBrendan’sathleticCatholicschoolfriends;thelivingroomwaspackedwiththeaternerds.

Brendan’smomhadlockedherselfinherroomupstairs.Therewasanunclaimeddogturdinthehalloutsidethebathroom.

Peoplesatinsmallgroups,talkingabouttheothersmallgroupsthatwerejustoutofearshot.

Myexandthedancermadeabriefappearance,butIheldmyheadhigh.IwaswearingmybestGapturtleneckandmydatesweretwoadultlesbians,soyeah,Iwasprettycool.

TheSummerShowtimekids

hadtoweavenervouslythroughthejockstogettotheDoritos.

Brendan’slong-sufferingCatholicschool“girlfriend,”Patty,triedtobridgethegapbetweenthetwogroups.Asweet,quietgirlwithshortcurlyhairandafaceasIrishasascone,Pattyseemedtobetheonlypersonatthepartywhodidn’trealizewhatBrendan’sdealwas—even

thefamilydoghadregisteredhisdisapprovalagainonthekitchenfloor.

BrendanandIranintoeachotheronthefrontlawn.HeseemedtobeinaparticularlyOscarWildemood.“MayIkissyou?”heasked.Sure,whocares.Afteratender,playactednon-Frenchkiss,Brendansuddenly“cameout”tome.Inmyexperience,thehardestthingabouthaving

someone“comeout”toyouisthe“pretendingtobesurprised”part.Youwanthimtofeellikewhathe’stellingyouisBig.It’slike,ifsomebodytellsyouthey’repregnant,youdon’tsay,“Ididnoticeyou’vebeeneatinglikeahoglately.”Yourgayfriendhasobviouslymadeabigdecisiontosaythewordsoutloud.Youdon’twanthimtorealizethateverybody’sknownthissincehewasten

andhewantedtobeBertLahrforHalloween.NottheCowardlyLion,butBertLahr.“Oh,mygosh,nowaaaay?”Youstall,tryingtothinkofsomethingmoresubstantialtosay.“Iseveryone,like,freakingout?Whata…wow.”

Brendanhadclearlydecidedtomakethispartyhisdebut,andhewanderedthroughthecrowd,performinghisone-

manshowinvariouslocations.

Bored,ItriedmakingoutwithVictorAnthony,astraightkidwhowascutebutkindofawang.

HewastheCreamofWheatofmakingout.Iwouldtryiteverynowandthen,thinkingmaybeI’dlikeit,buteverytime:no.Hereallywasastunninglybadkisser.Itwas

asifhetookarunningstartatyourmouth.Brendan’sstagekisswaswaymoreskilled.

IwentbackinsideandparkeditwithKarenandSharoninthetheaterlivingroom,whereBrendanwasdeepintoActIIof“comingout.”TheMonsignorBonnerfootballteamwaspeeringinfromthediningarea,hearingallofthis.“Here’satoasttobeingfreeofotherpeople’s

expectations,”Brendanmonologued,“andlovingwhomeveryouchoose.”Inthebackground,scone-facePattywasquietlygivingpeoplecoasters.Jesus,shewasreallynotgettingit.

Thiseveningwasactuallyturningouttobequiteboring.Butthenithappened.

OneofthedrunkgirlsfromtheArchbishopPrendergast

sideofthepartywanderedintotheShowtimeroomandstartedmakingoutwithAlexisCatalano.Everyonefroze.Pattylookedon,scone-faced.Thiswasunprecedented.Brendantalkedagoodgame,butthesetwoweregoingatit—inpublic!ThiswasyearsbeforeeverypopsingerintheworldstartedfakelezzingoutattheVMAs.Itsimplywasnotdone.Whatwouldhappen

next?KarenandSharonwentintoprotectiveadultmodeandpulledthetwowastedgirlsapartandtookthemupstairstoamoreprivatelocation.

JustthenBrendan’smom—whowastotallyunawareoftheproceedings—startedscreamingandthrowingeveryone’scoatsdownthestairs,whichshallhenceforthbeknownasAnIrish

Goodnight.

Brendan’smommayhaveperfectedmy“partyshutdown”move,butitdidn’tstopmefromworkingitattheamateurlevel.Ifollowedthefourwomenupstairs,duckingtheflyingparkas,becauseitwasalmosttwoA.M.:myspecialexpandedNewYear’sEvecurfew.Karenwasmyrideandweneededtogetamoveon.

Alexisandjockgirlweresodrunktheycouldbarelyfunction.KarenandSharontriedtoconvincethemitwastimetocallitanight.Theywouldgivethemaridehome.“Noooo,Ilooooooveherrrr,”jockgirlsobbedasKarenhelpedhergethercoaton.IsaidI’dbewaitinginthecarandtheyneededtohurryup.

Meanwhile,Brendanstormedoutofthehouseanddrove

away,furious—probablybecausehehad“losttheroom”whentwogirlsstartedgoingtotownoneachother.

AfterI’dbeenwaitinginthecartwentyminutesandmissedmycurfew,Icouldn’tcontrolmytemperanymore.“Getthedykesinthecar!”IscreameddownChildsAvenue,bangingmyshoeonKaren’sdashboardandleavingaslightcrack.My

husbandcouldtellyouthatIstillgetthiswoundupwhenI’mtryingtoleavethehouseonaSaturdaymorningandnobodyinmyfamilyhastheirshoeson.

It’snotagreatquality.

(Andjustincaseyouwerewondering,yes—whenhereturnedlaterthatnight,BrendantriedtorunPattyandhismotheroverwiththecar.I

believeitearnedhimaRegionalTheaterTonynomination.)

TheSecondSummer

MysecondyearatSummerShowtime,IwaspromotedtobeoneoftheChildren’sTheaterdirectors.Idirectedshowswithacastofsixtytwelve-year-oldsand,I’lltootmyownhorn,Imadesomeinterestingdirectingchoices.

SuchaspushingtheLittleMermaidaroundonarollingofficechairpapier-mâchédtolooklikealargeshell.Herhaironlygotcaughtinthewheelstwice.

Ikneweveryone.Iwasfullyimmersed.“Immersed,”Brendanwouldsay.“You’resosmart.Whydon’tIknowmorepeoplewhousewordslike‘immersed’?”Andthenhe’ddisappearfortwodays.

Hemayhavebeenadrunk.

Sharon’sbrotherSeanwasour“visitingdirector”fortheMainstagemusical.EveryonereferredtohimasEquityActorSeanKenny.Hewasamemberofthestageactorsunion!Hewaslivingthedreaminabasement-levelstudioapartmentinHell’sKitchenwitharatproblem.Wewereallinawe.

Seanwasandisaskilledandconfidentdirector.IwasexcitedtobehisassistantdirectoronamurdermysterymusicalcalledSomething’sAfoot.

Myfirstjobasassistantdirectorwastomakesurehedidn’tcastthetalentedblonddancerwhohadsoeasilystolenmyboyfriendthesummerbefore.Iaccomplishedthiswiththe

persistentandskilledmanipulationofagradeAbitch.Imadearticulateargumentsastowhytheotherblondgirlwouldbebetter.TheDancerGirlwas“toooverused.”Itwouldbemoreexcitingto“usesomeoneunexpected,”

andtheothergirl’s“look”was“moreBritish.”Afatloadofnonsense,butitworked.DancerGirlwas

relegatedtoplayingthetitleroleinaChildren’sTheatershowcalledGuessAgain.Yes,hercharacterandtheshowwerebothcalledGuessAgain.Aharshpunishment.

Obviously,asanadultIrealizethisgirl-on-girlsabotageisthethirdworstkindoffemalebehavior,rightbehindsaying“like”allthetimeandleavingyourbabyinadumpster.I’mproudtosay

Iwouldneversabotageafellowfemalelikethatnow.NotevenifChristinaApplegateandIwerebothupforthesamepartasVinceVaughn’smotherinabig-budgetcomedycalledBeerGuys.

SeanandIwereMentorandMenteethatsummer.Iwaseighteen,hewastwenty-seven.Seantaughtmealotaboutprofessionaldignity.

Forexample,thiswaswhen“callwaiting”wasnew,andifyouleftSeanontheotherlineformorethantenseconds,hewouldhangup.Andourshowwasahit!

Onbothnights!Thecastpartywasinabackyardwithpaperlanterns.Thecastandcrewmingled.Itwasveryglamorous.

SummerShowtimealum

RichardD’Atteliswasthere.MyfriendVanessahadgonetohereighth-gradedancewithRichardD’Attelis,andhehadpickedherupwearingabaseballshirtcustomizedwithaniron-onphotoofOliviaNewton-John.Itsaid“OliviaNewton-John”inpuffylettersonthefrontand“TotallyHot!”ontheback.RichardhadbeenthefirstoftheShowtimeboystoquietlycomeoutafterhisstintatthe

PennsylvaniaGovernor’sSchoolfortheArts,anexclusivestate-runartsintensivethatmightaswellhavebeencalledthePennsylvaniaGovernor’sBlowJobAcademy.Imagineabunchofseventeen-year-oldtheaterboysawayfromhomeforthefirsttimeforsixweeks.Theywerelivinginemptycollegedorms,fortheloveofMike!Literally!Thinkofthejoyandfreedom

theymusthavefelt,likebeingonanall-gayspacestation.(I’msuretherewereoneortwostraightboysthere,too,andIimaginetheydidincrediblywellwiththeoneortwostraightgirls.)SeanwasflirtingwithRichard.Wewereseatedatapicnictableattheparty,andIrealizedtheywereplayingfootsieunderthetable.Icouldnotcontainmyjudgment.“Whatareyou

doing?”Idemanded,tryingtobefunnyandcontrollingatthesametime.Theyignoredme.Richardgotuptogetasoda.IturnedtoSean.“He’ssocheesyandgross!”Mypower-of-suggestiontechniquehadworkedsowellwhenIwasscrewingoverthatblondgirl.IusedanyammunitionIcouldmuster.“Hesmokes,youknow.”Asthenightworeon,Ididn’tgetthehint.Istayedatthetable

withtwopeoplewhowereclearlygoingtohookup.ItriedsomesarcasticeyecontactasRichardtoldSeanabouthisdreamtoturnXanaduintoastageplay.Likethatwouldeverwork.

Inmymind,IwasdoingSeanafavorbytryingtostophimfromhookingupwithsomeoneregrettable.“Oh,myGod.Youknowhe’sonly,like,twenty.”Sabotageand

saying“like.”Iwasreallyinabadplace.

Seanshotmealook.Iwasoutofbounds.It’sonethingtobeawisecrackingprecociousteenhangingoutwithtwenty-sevenyearolds.It’sanotherthingtogetinthewayofagrownmantryingtogetlaid.

Idon’tknowwhathappenedbetweenRichardandSean

thatnight,butthenextdaySharoncalledmetosaythatSeanwasveryannoyedwiththewayI’dbehaved.Shesaidshehadtalkedhimdownbecause“theyallrealized”thatIhadacrushonSean.“It’snatural.”Theyallrealized?TheywerealltalkingaboutwhatababyIwasandhowImusthaveacrushonSean?“Idon’t.”Iweptfromsheerembarrassment.“Ireally

don’t.”ButthemoreIprotested,theguiltierIseemed.Andhere,aftertwentyyears,isthetruth.Ireallydidn’thaveacrushonSean.IhadreactedthatwaybecauseIviscerallyfeltthatwhattheywereabouttodowasicky.ThestomachacheIfelthadnothingtodowithacrush.IhadtofacethefactthatIhadbeenusingmygayfriendsasprops.Theywerealwayssupposedtobefunny

andentertainmeandpraisemeandlistentomyproblems,andtheirlifewassupposedtobeasecretthatnoonewantedtohearabout.Iwantedthemtostayinthe“halfcloset.”

EquityActorSeanKennydidnotliveinthehalfcloset.HehadmovedawaytoNewYorkandwasjustbackforavisit.Hewasagrownman.Myreactiontohishookingup

withRichardD’AttelismademefeellikeCoachGarth.IstrokedmythickblondmustacheandthunkaboutwhatIhaddawn.

Itwasamajoranddeeplyembarrassingteenagerevelation.Itmustbehowstraightteenageboysfeelwhentheyrealizethoseboobstheylikehaveheadsattachedtothem.

IthoughtIkneweverythingafterthatfirstsummer.“Beinggayisnotachoice.GaypeopleweremadethatwaybyGod,”I’dlecturedMr.Garthproudly.Butittookmeanotherwholeyeartofigureoutthesecondpart:“GaypeopleweremadethatwaybyGod,butnotsolelyformyentertainment.”Wecan’texpectourgayfriendstoalwaysbesingle,celibate,andarrivingearlywiththe

nachofixin’s.Andwereallyneedtoletthesepeoplegetmarried,already.

Beforethefinalperformanceofeverysummer,allthekidswereinvitedonstageandtogetherwesang“FilltheWorldwithLove”fromGoodbye,Mr.Chips.Everyonewouldcrytheirheadsoff.Itfeltliketheendofcamp,andIimaginesomeofthosekidshadmoreto

dreadaboutgoingbacktoschoolthanjustboredomandhealthclass.

Withhisdreamofatheaterprogramforyoungpeople,LarryWentzlerhadinadvertentlydoneanamazingthingforallthesesquirrels.Theyhadaplacewheretheybelonged,and,evenifitwasbecausehedidn’twanttodealwiththeirbeingdifferent,hedidn’ttreat

themanydifferently.WhichIthinkisaprettysuccessfulimplementationofChristianity.

WeshouldstrivetomakeoursocietymorelikeSummerShowtime:Mostlyameritocracy,despitesomeviciousbackstabbing.Everyonegetsaspotinthechorus.Bringwhiteshortsfromhome.

That’sDonFey

Let’sreviewthecost-freetechniquesthatwe’velearnedsofarforraisinganachievement-oriented,obedient,drug-free,virginadult:Calamity,Praise,LocalTheater,andflatfeet.

Anotherkeyelementis“StrongFatherFigure/FearThereof.”

MydadlookslikeClintEastwood.Hishalf-Scottish,half-Germanfaceinreposeishandsomebutterrifying.Isearchedtheaudienceforhimduringthesixth-gradechorusconcertand,seeinghissternexpression,wasconvincedthathehadseenmemessingupthewordstotheHappyDaysthemeandthatIwasinbigtrouble.Ispenttherestoftheconcertsuppressingterrorburps,onlytobegivenabig

hugandakissafterward.Ittookmeyearstorealize,Oh,that’sjusthisface.

It’smyface,too,itturnsout.Thecheekboneslaterdiscoveredtherebyateamofgayexcavatorsarecourtesyofmydad.

DonFeydresseswell.Hehasanartist’seyeformixingcolorsandprints.Hewearstweedyjacketsoversweater

vestsinthewinterandseersuckersuitsinthesummer.Hisgarnetcollegeringshowsoffhiswell-groomedhands.Hecanstillrockahat.

Mydadlookslikehe’s“somebody.”OnedaywhenIwasvisitinghimonhislunchhourheranintoacoupleofoldhighschoolbuddiesindowntownPhiladelphia.“Hey,DonFey!”oneofthe

guys

calledfromacrossthestreet.“OhmyGod,DonFey,”the

otherguysaidexcitedly.ThetwoAfricanAmericansecretarieswaitingatthelightwithmydadwhisperedknowinglytoeachother,“That’sDonFey.”

BeforeIwasborn,mymothertookmybrothertoGreeceforthewholesummertovisitfamily.

Whentheywerefinallycomingback,mydadwashed

andwaxedhisChevyconvertible,putonhisbestsharkskinsuit,anddroveallthewayfromPhiladelphiatoNewYorkInternationalAirporttopickthemup.(Inthosedays,internationaltravelmeantdressingup,smokingonplanes,wearingPanAmslippers,andflyingintoNewYork.)

Theirflightwasduetoarriveearlyinthemorning,soDon

Fey,whoisneverlateforanything,gottotheairportjustbeforedawn.Ashepoppedonhissweetlidandwalkedacrossthedesertedparkinglottowardtheterminal,hesawtwoblackgentlemenapproachingfromfaraway.Heplayeditcooltohidehisapprehension.HewasinNewYork,afterall,oneoftheworld’smostdangerouscitiesifyou’refromanyothercity,andfrom

farawayinthedarkhecouldn’ttelliftheguyswereairportemployeesorloiterers.

Astheygotcloser,henoticedtheywerestaringhimdown.Hecontinuedtoplayitcool.DonFeyhadgrownupinWestPhilly,wherehelivedcomfortablyasaCaucasianminority.Ofcoursetheseguyscouldn’tknowthat.Hisheartwasbeatingalittlefasterastheycamewithinten

feetofeachother.

Theguyslookedathimintently,thenoneturnedtotheotherandsaid,“Thatisoneboss,bold,bladedmotherfucker.”

That’sDonFey.He’sjustabadass.HewasacodebreakerinKorea.HewasafiremaninPhiladelphia.He’s

askilledwatercolorist.He’swrittentwomysterynovels.HetaughthimselfGreeksowellthatwhenhewenttobuyticketstotheAcropolisonce,thedocenttoldhim,“

.”(It’sfreeforGreekcitizens.)

NeighborhoodkidswouldgatheronourporchjusttolistentohimswearatthePhilliesgame.

(AndyMussertalkedtoogoddamnmuch.Gameswereoften“over”bythesixthinning.“Thisgoddamngameisover.Thesonsofbitcheschoked.”)

WhenwatchingtheFlyers,hewouldchangethechannelduringcommercialsandhealwaysknewexactlywhentoturnitbacktocatchthestartofplay.Whenmycousinmarveledatthisability,my

dadwasmatter-of-fact:“Youjustwaitninetyseconds.”Isn’teveryone’sbrainaSwisswatch?

DonFeyisaGoldwaterRepublican,whichishisonlyoption.Ifyou’reDonFey,youcan’tlookatJoeBidenandbelike,yes,Iwanttobeledbythisgentlemanwiththecappedteeth.You’renotgoingtolistentoJohnKerrypretendingtoempathizewith

youabouttherisingcostofyourmedications.Youcertainlyaren’tinterestedinthe“unresolvedfatherissues”thatrenderedBillClintonunabletokeephisflyclosed.DonFeyisnotgoingtoputupwiththat.DonFeyisagrown-assman!Blackpeoplefindhimstylish!

DonFeyhaswhatIwoulddescribeaspre–NormanLearracialattitudes.Oncethe

BunkerfamilymettheJeffersons,everyinteractionbetweenblacksandwhiteswassomehowsupposedtobealife-changinglesson,especiallyforthewhitepeople.Mygenerationcarriesthatwithus,onlytobeconstantlydisappointedbyKanyeWestandTaylorSwift.

ThetwinhouseIgrewupinwasacrossthestreetfromthe

borderofWestPhiladelphiawhereDonFeygrewup.DonFeycertainlyhadfriendsofotherracesandreligions.HehastoldmeacoupletimesaboutthenighthekissedLionelHampton.Hewasatajazzconcertasateenagerwithanall-whiteaudience.Atonepointintheshow,LionelHamptonwouldinviteawomanfromtheaudiencetodancewithhim,butthewhitegirlswerealltooscaredtobe

seendancingwithablackman.Toeasethetension,DonFeyjumpedupandfast-dancedwithMr.Hampton,attheendofwhichLionelHamptonkissedhimontheforeheadtoaroundofapplause.

Conversely,hewouldtellusthingslike“Ifyouseetwoblackkidsridingaroundononebike,putyourbikeinthegarage.”Thiswasn’tracism;

itwasexperience.ThosekidswerecomingfromWestPhillytostealbikes.ThesocialfactorsthatcausedtheirbehaviorwereirrelevanttoaDepressionbaby.WhenyougrowupgettinganorangeforChristmas,you’regoingtomakesurethetwenty-five-dollarbikeyouboughtyourkiddoesn’tgetrippedoff.

NormanLearmightwantus

totaketimetounderstandthatthosekidswenttopoorlyfundedschoolsandthattheirparents,whilelovinganddignified,wereunabletosupervisetheirchildren’sbehaviorbecausetheywerebothatworkdoingminimum-wagejobs,butbythenourbikeswouldbegone.

Thelateseventieswereadarktimeof“familymeetings”about“tighteningourbelts.”

TheembarrassmentofWatergateledrighttotheIranhostagecrisis.ThreeMileIslandwasinourstate.Itwasalways“Day27”ofsomethinginBeirut.Therewasaninfestationofgypsymothskillingthetreesinourneighborhood.

Icandefinitelyrememberaperiodoftimewhenthegascrisis,theCarteradministration,and

“AlanAlda’sbleeding-heartliberalpropaganda”werestartingtowearonDonFey’sday-to-daydignity.

OneSaturdaymydadgotitinhisheadthathewasgoingtorentarugshampooeratPathmarkandshampooourcarpets.Heexpressedthisdesiretomymother,whosaidnonchalantly,“Ugh,thosethingsneverwork.”Westillhadahalf-emptybottle

ofrugshampoofromtheoneothertimehe’dtriedit.ButDonFeycouldnotbedeterred,andI,hisfaithfulservant,wentwithhim.Werentedtheshampooer,boughtanewfullbottleofsoap,andloadedthemintothebackoftheCatalina.

WhenwegothomeIwassenttoplayoutsidesomydadcouldshampoothewholefirstfloor.Ibarelyhadmy

StarWarsfigureslinedupinthepatchofdirtbythebasementstepsalsoknownasTatooinewhenIheardacommotioninside.Mydadwascursing.Objectswerebeingrumbledaround.Igotaninstantbellyache.

Thescreendoorflewopen.Thetwobottlesofrugshampoowereslammedontothebackporch.

Therugshampooercametumblingoutthebackdoorinatangledmess.

“Yourmother…isawitch!”mydadblurtedashecameoutside.Hemeantitliterally.“Shecursedme!”Itwouldseemthattherentedrugshampooerdidnotwork.“Thegoddamnthingisdefective.”

“Defective”wasabigword

inourhouse.Manythingswerelabeled“defective”onlytomiraculouslyturnfunctionaloncethedirectionshadbeenreadmorethoroughly.IfIhadtonamethetwowordsImostassociatewithmydadbetween1970and1990,theywouldbe“defective”and

“inexcusable.”Leavingyourbaseballgloveinaneighbor’scar?Inexcusable.Not

knowingthat“alot”

wastwowords?Inexcusable.Theseltzermachinethatweweregoingtousetomakehomemadesoda?

Defective.ThemisspelledsignattheBeachBoysFourthofJulyconcertthatread“FromSeatoShinningSea”?Inexcusable.RichieAshburnnotbeinginthebaseballhalloffameyet?Bullshit.(Don

Feyhadalargerubberstampthatsaid“bullshit,”whichwasandisawesome.)Wasittoomuchtoexpecttherestoftheworldtocareaboutgrammarorpayattentiontodetails?Shouldn’tsomeoneatthePathmarkhavetomakesurethatthegoddamnrugshampooersareinworkingorder?

Hecarriedthedefectiveshampooerdowntheback

steps,thehosefloppingaroundonpurposejusttoannoyhim.Therewassudsywaterinsideit,sloshingaround,mockinghisdreamofanorderlyhouse.“Sonofabitch!”Ashebackedourgiantcarupthefifty-degreeinclineofourdriveway,scrapingthebumper,hebarked,“Getthebottleofsoap.Comeon.”IwasgoingalongfortheridebacktoPathmark?Great.Ilookedat

thetwoidenticalbottlesofrugdetergentonthebackporch.Onewasnewandreturnable.Onewassixmonthsoldandhalfempty.Butwhichwaswhich?Icouldn’ttell!Theywereopaque.IknewthatwordbecauseIwasintheGiftedProgram,butitdidn’thelpmeinthatsplitsecond.

Whydidn’tIpickthembothuptoseewhichonewas

heavier?Whydidn’tIjustbringbothofthem?IwouldneverbeplacedintheCommonSenseProgram.Mydadhonkedthehornformetohurryup.Igrabbedabottleanddashedforthecar.

WerodeintensesilencetothePathmark.And,bytheway,Igetitnow.I’maworkingparentandIunderstandthatsometimesyouwanttohaveavery

productiveSaturdaytofeelthatyouareincontrolofyourlife,whichofcourseyouarenot.ChildrenandJimmyCarterruinallyourbest-laidplans.

Andthenyourwifecastssomesortofevilspell?!Inexcusable.

IfollowedmydadashestormedintothePathmarktoexplaintothemwhatkindof

acountryAmericawassupposedtobe.Hetookthebottlefrommetoputitonthecustomerservicecounter,andhisfacewentredattheweightofit.Ihadgrabbedthehalf-emptyone.

Andherewastheindignityofthe1979economy—wecouldn’taffordtowastethethreedollars.

Sure,oncetheInternetboom

cameintheninetieswe’dallbethrowingouthalf-fullmouthwashbecausewewantedtotrythenewcinnamintflavor.We’dbuychamomileteaatStarbucksandnotfinishit.ButnotDonFey.Notin1979.Hewasgoingtohavetodrivehomeagainandgetthatotherbottletoreturnit.“Waithere,”hesaidinastrangledvoice.

Heleftmeattheendofthe

NoFrillsaisle.Istoodthere,fightingbacktears,prettysurethatitwasillegaltoleaveyournineyearoldatPathmark.Unfortunately,Iwaswearingaredpoloshirtandshorts.Withmyshorthaircutanddoughyframe,nofewerthanthreeoldladiesmistookmeforastockboy.“Youngman,wherearetheplums?”

IonlyhopethatonedayIcan

frightenmydaughterthismuch.Rightnow,she’snotscaredofmyhusbandormeatall.Ithinkit’saproblem.Iwasafreshmanhomefromcollegethefirsttimemydadsaid,“You’regoingoutattenP.M.?Idon’tthinkso,”andIjustlaughedandsaid,“It’sfine.”Ifeellikemydaughterwillbedoingthattomebyagesix.

HowcanIgiveherwhatDon

Feygaveme?Thegiftofanxiety.Thefearofgettingintrouble.Theknowledgethatwhileyouareloved,youarenotabovethelaw.TheWorldwideParentalAnxietySystemisfailingifthismanyofushavemadesextapes.

WhenIwasakidtherewasaTVinterstitialduringSaturdaymorningcartoonswithasongthatwentlikethis:“Themostimportant

personinthewholewideworldisyou,andyouhardlyevenknowyou./You’rethemostimportantperson!”Isthisnottheabsoluteworstthingyoucouldinstillinachild?

They’rethemostimportantperson?Intheworld?That’swhattheyalreadythink.Youneedtoteachthemtheopposite.Theyneedtobealittleafraidofwhatwill

happeniftheylosethetopoftheirGrizzlyAdamsthermos.

DonFeyisfromtheSilentGeneration.Theyaredifferentfromtheirchildren.Theycannotbe

“marketedto.”Theydon’tfeel“loyalty”toBarnesandNobleoverBorders.IfyoutoldDonFeythatyounevergotoBurgerKing,onlyMcDonald’s,becauseyou“grewupwiththeHamburglar,”hewouldlookatyoulikeyouwereamoron.

Whenmyfacewasslashed,mydadheldmeonhislapinthecartothehospital,applyingdirectpressurewiththeswiftcalmofaveteranandanex-fireman.Ilookedupandaskedhim,“AmIgoingtodie?”“Don’tspeak,”hesaid.So,yeah,he’snotthekindofguywhowantstowatchpeopleeatbugsonSurvivor.It’ssocleartomehowthosetwothingsarerelated.

Mydadhasvisitedmeatworkovertheyears,andI’venoticedthatpowerfulmenreacttohiminaweirdway.They“standdown.”ThefirsttimeLorneMichaelsmetmydad,hesaidafterward,“Yourfatheris…impressive.”TheymeetDonFeyanditrearrangessomethingintheirbrainaboutme.AlecBaldwintookalonglookathimandgavehimafirmhandshake.“Thisisyourdad,huh?”

Whataretheyrealizing?Iwonder.Thatthey’dbetternevermesswithme,orDonFeywillyellatthem?ThatIhavehighexpectationsforthemeninmylifebecauseIhaveastrongfatherfigure?

OnlyColinQuinnwasdirectaboutit.“Yourfatherdoesn’tfuckingplaygames.Youwouldnevercomehomewithashamrocktattoointhathouse.”

That’sDonFey.

ClimbingOldRagMountain

LetmestartoffbysayingthatattheUniversityofVirginiain1990,IwasMexican.IlookedMexican,thatis,nexttomyfifteenthousandblondandblue-eyedclassmates,mostofwhomownedhorses,oratleastresembledthem.

Ihadgrownupasthe“whitest”girlinaveryGreekneighborhood,butintheeyesofmynewclassmates,IwasFridaKahloinleggings.

Formanypeople,collegeisatimeofsexualexperimentationanddiscovery,andIamnoexception.AfteraseriesoffailedexperimentswithCaucasianmen,IdiscoveredthatwhatIamreallyintois

Caucasianmen.

AndImeanCaucasian.Maybeit’smywayofrejectingmyHellenicupbringing,butIlike’emfair-skinnedwithold-timeymannersandsomeknowledgeoffishing.IfI’mhonestwithmyself,IcanadmitthatI’veknownthiseversinceIsawLarryWilcoxrideamotorcycle—onthebackofaflatbedcameratruck—down

thePacificCoastHighway.Ilikewhiteboys.

Thisworkedoutperfectlyformeincollege,becausewhatnineteen-year-oldVirginiaboydoesn’twantawide-hipped,sarcasticGreekgirlwithshorthairthat’spermedontop?What’sthatyousay?Noneofthemwantthat?Youarecorrect.SoIspentfouryearsattemptingtocharmtheuninterested.(Itwasprobably

goodpracticeformyfuturecareeronalow-ratedTVshow.)Icouldn’tfigureouthowtoplayit.Icouldn’tcompetewiththesororitygirlswiththeirlongblondponytailsandhoopearrings.Itriedtofindthewhite-boy-looking-to-rebel,butIwasn’tethnicenoughtobeanexcitingdeparture.Iwasn’tKoreanorAfricanAmericanoractuallyMexican.Iwasjustnotall-the-way-white.

IrealizedmypredicamentearlyinmyFirstYear.Wedon’tsay“freshman”or“senior,”etc.,atUVAbecauseMr.Jeffersonfeltthateducationisalifelongprocess.ThomasJefferson—anothergorgeouswhiteboywhowouldnothavebeeninterestedinme.Thiswasmyprobleminanutshell.TogetsomeplayinCharlottesville,youhadtobeeitheraMarthaJeffersonoraSallyHemings.

DuringmyFirstYear,Ihadacrushonabrainy,raven-hairedboyfrommydorm.ThisplayedoutlikethetypicalsexycoedlettertoPenthouse.HewouldaskmeatleastonceadayifIhadeverseenthemovieFullMetalJacket.IwouldremindhimthatIhadnot.Hewouldthendescribepartsofittome.

Afterseveralweeksof

mistakingthisforflirtation,ItriedtokisshimonenightbytheMonroeHilldormsandheliterallyranaway.Notfiguratively.Literally.

IdidgotoonefraternityformalwithadevastatinglyhandsomeguynamedAwbreyMadisonCartwrightIIIfromGeorgia.Imean,thisguylookedlikeClarkKent,nojoke.Heheldmychairformeandopeneddoors.Hewas

genteelandattentive.Therewasonlyoneproblem.Here’showourexchangewentwhenheinvitedmetotheformal:

Tinasitsonthestepsinfrontofthetheaterbuilding,chattingwithfriendsfromactingclass.

AwbreyCartwrightapproaches.

TINA:Hey,Awbrey,you’re

gay,right?

AWBREY:(thrown)What?No.Iwascomingoverheretoaskifyouwanttogotomyformalwithme.

TINA:Oh.Sure.

Iwasright,bytheway.Hewasfordudes.

Soyoucanseewhy,whenIoccasionallyhadalittle

successwithaheterosexualwhitemale,Iduginandhungonfordearlife.AndthisiswhyIclimbedOldRagMountainatnight.

Therewasakid,olderthanme,anarchitecturestudentwhodidplaysinthedramadepartmentontheside.Iwon’tusehisrealnamebecauseIthinkhe’dfindoutaboutitanditwouldgivehimtoomuchsatisfaction.I’ll

refertohiminsteadbyhowhelookedatthetime,whichwaslikeahandsomeRobertWuhl.Gospendanhourtryingtopictureexactlywhatthatcouldbeandpickupthebookagainwhenyou’vegotit.

Welcomeback.

HandsomeRobertWuhlandIwereinafewplaysandsomeactingclassestogether.He

seemedtoappreciatemysenseofhumor.Likeallboysatthattime,hetriedtotalklikeDavidLetterman,whichIappreciated.Idon’trememberhowwefirstcametobemakingoutinacar,butitwasawesomesoIkeptdoingit.Shouldithavebeena“redflag”tomethattheseincidentswouldonlytakeplaceundercoverofnight,inthebackdrivewaybehindmyon-campushousing?

Absolutely.Wasit“notgreat”thattherewasneveranyactual“date”beforetheseeventsandthatitwasasecret?Ofcourse.ButIfinallyhadmyhandsonathin-lippedwhiteboysoeverybodyjustshutupaboutit!

Secretmake-outtimewentonforawhile.HandsomeRobertWuhlclaimedtohavesomeethical/religiousreasonsfor

notgoingalltheway,whichwasfinebyme,asIwouldhavebeenterrified.Isay“claimed”becauseIthinkitwasclosertothetruththathewasjustacontrolfreakwhothoughtheshouldsavehimselfforsomeonehot.

Sometimestherewouldbeabigdramadepartmentevent,likeapartytocelebratetheopeningofTheRobberBridegroomorawineand

cheesereceptiontowelcomeguestartistAaronSorkin(totallytrue).HandsomeRobertWuhlwouldtakeaprettydatetothepartywhileIattendedwithfriends,andthenhe’dpickmeuplaterforcarsports.Sometimeswewouldjustdrivearound.Wehitadeeronce.

WhywerewejustdrivingaroundtheBlueRidgeMountains?TothisdayIdo

notunderstandwhatthisboywasupto.WasitacontrolexperimenttoseehowmuchboringnothingnessIwouldputupwithbeforewefinallymadeout?Possibly.

Wedideventuallygoonkindofadate.Hetookmetothemalltohelphimshopforapresentforanothergirl,andheboughtmeasandwichatHickoryFarms.“Youcanreallyeatalot,”helaughed

whenIfinishedit.Iwascertainthathewouldeventuallybesoimpressedwithmyabilitytoeatlikeoneoftheguysthathewouldwantmetobehisgirlfriend.

SowhenHRWaskedmecasuallyifI’dliketoclimbOldRagMountainwithhim,Isaidyesimmediately,thenracedhometotellmyroommates.ClearlyIwasveryspecialtohim.Whyelse

wouldheinvitemetoclimbanearbymountain?Theywereskeptical.

ImetHRWthenexteveningathisoff-campusapartment.Yes,theclimbwasgoingtobeatnight.Ididn’tquestionthisbecauseIdidn’tknowanythingaboutrockclimbingandIassumedthatwewereinthisfortheromance.Heintroducedmetooneofhisroommates,JessorChrisor

something.Hewasawirylittleguywhowouldbejoiningusontheclimb.ThiswasnewstobothmeandJess-Chriss.TosayhewasunfriendlywouldbethebiggestunderstatementsincethecaptainoftheHindenbergsaid“Ismellgas.”*Healternatedbetweenignoringmeandshootingmedisdainfullooksthatclearlysaid“Whoisthisuglyoff-brandnon-sororitygirl

ruiningourhomo-eroticbro-times?”

Wedroveoutoftownalittleways,listeningtoPeterGabriel’s“InYourEyes.”HRWplayedthatsongconstantly.Hewasverydeep.DidImentionyetthathealwaysworeasmallshellnecklaceandhetoldmethathewasnevergoingtotakeitoffuntilApartheidended?

ItwasduskwhenwegottothebottomofOldRag,andwhenHRWandJess-Chrissrealizedthatneitherofthemhadbroughtflashlights.Afteraquickdebateaboutwhosefaultitwas,theydecideditdidn’tmatterandweshouldjuststartclimbing.

Thefirstlegofourjourneywasthewalkfromtheparkinglottothebeginningoftheactualtrail.

Itwasaboutamileandahalf.Bythetimewegottothefootofthemountain,Iwasalreadynauseousfromoverexertionandtryingtohideit.Iaskedforsomewater.

“Aw,areyoukiddingme?”Thetwobroslookedblanklyateachother.Theyhadalsoforgottentobringanywater.

Thenext,moredifficult

portionofthetrailwasthe“rockscramble,”afeatrequiringseriousconcentrationtofindafootholdandsafelynavigateup,over,andinbetweenslipperyrocks.Itwasgettingdarknow,buttherewasbrightmoonlight.Itwasdifficult,butIwasactuallyenjoyingthechallenge.Jess-ChrisscontinuedtowishIwasdeadand/orbetterlooking.HRWclimbedahead

ofusboth,showingoff.Ilearnedthatnightthattherearemarkersonthesekindsoftrails,onecolorfortheeasypath,onecolorfortheintermediatepath.Ialsolearnedthatsometimes,especiallyatnight,thesemarkersarehardtosee.

SoonHRWtoldushewas“goingoffthetrail”andhe’dmeetusafterawhile.NeitherJess-ChrissnorIwashappy

aboutthis,butIguessHRWwasjusttoogoodaclimbertobeheldback.Jess-ChrissandIclimbedalonginsilenceforabouttwentyminutes.IfJess-Chrisshadtroublefindingthenextmarkerhecertainlydidn’tgetanyhelpfromme,becauseIwasahikingnovice.Iwaswearingwrestlingshoes,forexample.Jess-ChrisskeptcallingaheadtoHRWto“stopshowingoff”and“stopbeingadick.”

HRW

wouldcallbackthroughthedarkthathejustwantedtotrysomethingandhe’dbebackonthetrailinafewminutes.Andthenweheardit.Agruntandthesoundoflittlerocksrollingdownbiggerrocksandthenasoundlikeabagoflaundrybouncingandscrapingdownyourbasementsteps.Thatidiothadfallenoffthemountain.

Jess-ChrissandImusthavehadthesamethought:“AmIgoingtohavetoexplaintothiskid’smotherhowhedied?”

TINA:WewereclimbingOldRagMountaininthedarkonaweeknight.

MOTHERWUHL:Isthisyourgirlfriend,youngman?

JESS-CHRISS:No.

MOTHERWUHL:Wereyoumyson’sgirlfriend?

TINA:No,ma’am,buthedidoncetellmethatIcouldbereallyprettyifIlostweight.

MOTHERWUHL:Whatthehellwereyoukidsdoingupthere?!

TINA:Well,Ican’tspeakforJess-Chriss,butIwashopingforaleisurelynight-climb

followedbysomeover-the-jeansaction.

JESS-CHRISS:Me,too.Butthenshewasthere.

WecalledfranticallytoHRW.Afterafewminutes,heanswered.Wefollowedhisvoicebackdownthetrailandfoundhim.Jess-ChrissclimbedoutontotherockstohelpHRWovertothetrail.Hewasbangedup,butitwas

somehowdecidedthatweshouldcontinueupthemountain.Thelasthalfmileorsowasnotassteep,andwefinallymadeittothesmoothgranitetop,wherewesatdowntotakeinthebeautifuldarkpanoramaoftheShenandoahValley.HRWmotionedformetositnearhim,andChriss-Jessknewinstinctivelytogositfaraway.Tired,dehydrated,andnauseous,Iwasstillreadyto

trytomakethisworkiftherewasanyfunnybusinesstobehad.ButHRWdidn’ttouchme.Insteadhestaredwistfullyoutatthenightskyandtoldmeaboutthelasttimehe’dclimbedOldRag.Itwastwodaysprior,duringdaylight.HehadbroughthisfriendGretchenuphereforlunch.Hereallylikedher,heconfidedinme.Likedhersomuchthathedidn’tquiteknowwhattodoaboutit.

Aftertheyhadgottenallthewaytothetopandhadthepicniclunchhe’dprepared,heofferedherapieceofTridentgum,andGretchen—hehadtostopandsmileattheadorablenessofthis—GretchenhadaskedhimtotearthepieceofTridentinhalfbecauseitwastoobigforher.“Canyoubelievethat?”hemarveled.AgirlsofeminineandperfectthathalfapieceofTridentwasthe

mostshecouldhandle.

Itriedtoprocesswhatthismeantformyevening.

“So…youandIwillnotbedryhumping,then?”

***

ThewaydownfromOldRagisaforestroad.Wefoundastreaminthewoodsandfinallygotadrinkofwater.

Wescoopeditupwithourhandsanditwasthegreatest,mostsatisfyingdrinkofwaterIeverhadinmylife.“Ohthewater,/Getitmyselffromthemountainstream,”Isangoverandoveragaininmyhead.IwaslisteningtoalotofVanMorrisonatthetime,becauseIwasalsoverydeep.

ItwassunrisebythetimeHRWdroppedmeoff.Asweirdasthenight’sevents

hadbeen,Icouldn’thelpbutbeexcitedaboutthefactthatIhadclimbedamountain.IneverwouldhavethoughtIcoulddothat.Ithinksomeoneshoulddesignexercisemachinesthatrewardpeoplewithsexattheendoftheirworkouts,becausepeoplewillperformsuperhumanfeatsforeventhefainthopeofthat.

AsIcrawledintomybottom

bunk,IthoughtabouthowIhadclimbedOldRag.IthoughtaboutGretchen,thegirlwhocouldonlyaccommodatehalfapieceofgum.“Ihopeyoumarryher,”IimaginedsayingtoHRW,“andIhopesheturnsouttohaveacavernousvagina.”

YoungMen’sChristianAssociation

At5:10A.M.,theeltrain

fromtheMorsestopinChicagototheDavisSt.stopinEvanstonissurprisinglysafeforyoungwhitewomen.TheonlypeopleonthetrainatthathourarePolishwomenontheirwayhomefromcleaningofficebuildingsallnight.TheyshareplasticcontainersofpaleSlavicfoodthatyouknowisbutteryanddelicious.It’sjustpotatoes,rice,meat,andcabbageinanendlessseriesof

combinations.

Myfirstandonlydayjob(sofar)wasattheYMCAinEvanston,Illinois.IhadmovedtoChicagoonHalloweenof1992,pullingintoRogersParkwithpeoplewhippingeggsatmydad’sPontiacinaccordancewiththeholiday.

Ihadneverwaitedtables,andmyattempttolieaboutthatto

themanageroftheSkokie,Illinois,RubyTuesdaywasunsuccessful.“Wheredidyouwork?”“TheCarriageHouseinHavertown,Pennsylvania.”Mymoreworldlyfriendfromhomehadtoldmetomakeuparestaurantandgivethemherphonenumber.“Didyoudohandserviceortrayservice?”“Tray.”Myfriendfromhomehadtoldmetosay“trayservice”becauseit’seasier.“Whatwasyourfavorite

thingaboutwaitingtables?”Myfriendfromhomehadnotanticipatedthisquestion.“Um…thechildren.Waitingoncutekids…Itwasafamily…restaurant.”Gameover.While“thechildren”maybeagoodnonsenseanswerforaMissUniversecontestantoragubernatorialcandidate,anyonewhohaseverwaitedtables—orsimplygonetoarestaurantwithachild—knowsthatchildren

arethesoul-suckingworst.Theytakeallthesugarpacketsoutofthebowl,spillmilkallovertheplace,andtheirwastedmealsonlycostfivedollars,ascomparedtoanicebooze-drinkingadulttowhomyoumightbeabletoup-sellacrispyonion-and-jalapeñocrappetizer.Ididnotgetthewaitingjob.

Iappliedforajobasthenightboxofficemanagerofasmall

theatercompanyinBoystown.Thejobpaidaboutfivedollarsanhourforafour-hourshift,soIwassurprisedtofindthatitrequiredalengthyinterviewwiththeartisticdirectorofthetheater.Ihadadegreeindrama,Iexplained.Wetalked(meaningshetalked)aboutplaywrightswe(she)liked.Itwasbetweenmeandanothergirlforthejob,andsheneededtoknowwhatIhadto

offertheTinyPretentiousTheaterCompanybecause

“WeliketothinkofourselvesasthemostexcitingtheatercompanyinChicago.”Itriedajoke.“Iliketothinkofmyselfasthemostbeautifulwomanintheworld.Butwherewillthatgeteitherofus,really?”

Theothergirlgotthejob.

Mymotherarrangedforafriendtoseemeatadowntownlawyer’sofficeforareceptionistjob.

IworetheelectricbluepolyesterHillaryClintonpowersuitthatmyroommateandIsharedforsuchoccasions.Thehourlongtrainrideandscrambletofindtheexactaddresshadmademelate,andbythetimeIgottotheinterviewIwassweating

myroommate’sBOoutofthesuit.Thestenchofeverydrinkandeverycigaretteshe’dhadthelasttimesheworeitfilledthehigh-endofficeinwhichIinterviewed.

Betweenthesuit,itsboozecloud,andmythickvirgineyebrows,Iwasdeemedunfittoanswerphonesinplainview.Iwasturningouttobecollegeeducatedandunemployableineventhe

mostbasicway.

Thankfully,myelectric-blue-suitmatewasanuninhibitedvaginaabouttown.ShehookedupwithanearlyObamaprototypenamedMarcuswhoworkedattheEvanstonYMCA.Theywerelookingforsomeonetoworkthefrontdeskfrom5:30A.M.to2:30P.M.Igotthejob!EvanstonisthediversesuburbjustnorthofChicago

whereNorthwesternUniversityis.TheYMCAtherewasagreatmixofahigh-endyuppiefitnessfacility,awonderfulcommunityresourceforfamilies,andanold-schoolresidencefordisenfranchisedmen.Itmayalsohavebeentheepicenterofallhumangrimness.

TherewasaresidentnamedMr.Englerwhoworeawig

ontopofhishairlikeahat.HecamedownstairsonceaweektogethisMealsonWheels,whichwereleftwithme.IdevelopedaOneFlewOvertheCuckoo’sNeststyleofprofessionalism.I’vealwaysbeenaZeligthatway.I’mthejerkwhostartstodrawlwhentalkingtoSouthernersandIgetverybutchveryfastwhenplayingorganizedsports.

“Herewego!Handsonknees,ladies!”SowhenitcametotheweirdresidentsattheY,Ileanedrightintotheroleofrespectful,put-uponcaregiver.

“Mr.Engler,yourmealsarehere.”HewouldsaynothingandmakenoeyecontactasheslidthecontainerstowardhimselfwithhisHowardHughesfingernails.“Youhaveagoodday,sir.”Iwould

gobacktofoldingtowelswithstoicdignity,likeMichaelLearnedonNurse.

“Sir,mayIseeyourroomkey?”I’dbarkacrossthelobbylikeayoungBettyThomasonHillStreetBlues.Theresidentsweren’tallowedtohaveguestsupintheirrooms,andeverynowandthenaguywouldcomeinwithafriendwearingabigcoatandahatandyou’d

realizeitwasawoman.Theseborderline-homelessguysweresneakingwomenuptotheirrooms,whichonlygoestoshowthatwomencontinuetocornerthemarketonlowgagreflex.

Notalltheresidentswerecatatonic.TherewasJoethemailguy.JoehadabigwhitemustacheandafriendlyDaffyDuckspeechimpedimentfrommissing

teeth.Hestraddledtheworldsoftheresidenceandtheofficebecausehehadapart-timejobsortingthemail.“Morning,Joe.”I’dsmilelikeMariluHennerinTaxi.“Whath’sup,kid?”Joewouldfireback.We’dgoofonourcoworkersandlaughitupatthememberswhogaveusahardtime.Allthatwasmissingwasthestudioaudienceandaneighty-thousand-dollar-an-episode

salary.

Donnaworkedthephones.Aheavysetredheadedgalwithnomakeupandbigfleshyhands,Donnawashardertoplayopposite.Generally,ifshewascomplainingaboutsomeworksituation,youcouldpassthetimebyagreeingwithher,butithadtobedoneinaspecificway.Allthecomplaininghadtobedonewithveryfewwords

andnodramaticflair.Torantandravewouldbetooshow-offy.Donnawouldnever“holdcourt”andyoushouldn’teither.HercomplaintswerelikelittleWWIItelegramsofbadnews.

DONNA:They’remakingusworkonThanksgiving.

ME:Noway.Areyoukiddingme?

DONNA:Memberswanttoworkout.

ME:Thatsucks.Weren’tyougonnagovisityourdaughterinIndiana?

DONNA:Postponed.

ButdonottrytogetaheadofDonnaandinitiatethecomplaining,nomatterhowsureyouarethatshe’llagree.BecauseDonnawillleave

youhangingeverytime.

ME:Canyoubelievethey’recuttingourlunchdowntohalfanhour,loweringourpaybytenpercent,takingawayourinsurance,andmakinguseatdirt?!

DONNA:Idon’tgotodoctors.Ilikedirtanyway,so…finebyme.

Donnawasanenigma

wrappedinbaconwrappedinacrescentroll.

OneMonday,Donnacameinandsaidthatherhusbandhadhadaheartattackovertheweekend.And,bytheway,shedidn’topenwiththis.Sheslippeditinabouttwentyminutesintohershift.ShesaidherhusbandstartedhavingchestpainsonSaturday.OntheirwaytotheER,hemadeherstopat

BurgerKingbecauseheknewoncehegottothehospital“they’dneverlethimhavethatstuffagain.”Shedidn’tsayanythingelseaboutit,butIcoveredthephonesforheracoupletimesthatdaywhileshewenttothebathroom,presumablytocry.

That’sthemainthingIlearnedinthatjob—howtobeaconsideratecoworker.Coverthephonesfor

someonesotheycanpee.Punchsomeone’stimecardinforthemafterlunchsotheycanstopandbuyabirthdaycard.Helppeoplewhentheirregisterdoesn’taddup.Don’tbeatattletale.

I’mthekindofpersonwholikestofeellikepartofacommunity.Iwillmakestrangebedfellowsratherthanhavenobedfellows.InhighschoolIhadthisfriendfora

whilenamedDawn.WeweresittingaroundmyhousewatchingMTVonedaywhenaTinaTurnervideocameon.OnthestagebehindTinaTurnerwasasetofgiantlettersspellingoutTINA.

DAWN:Wow.Canyouevenimagineseeingyournamethatbig?

ME:Yeah,well,thatismyname.

DAWN:What?Oh.Yeah.

Wecouldraplikethatforhours.

Thepointis,IlikedtheYMCAjobatfirstbecauseIwantedsodesperatelytolikeit.Mydaywasn’twall-to-wallgrimness.Themembersofthegymwereperfectlyniceyuppiesandyoungmoms.

TherewasagorgeousredheadedbabyIcalledBigHeadBobwhobrightenedmydaywheneverhecameinfor“ToddlerGymNStuffNMommyNThangs.”

TheYhadapreschoolattachedtoit,andtheparadeoflittlekidscomingovertoswimwasadorableandlifeaffirming.IdevelopedacrushonashoulderlessyoungpreschoolteachernamedEli.

Hewasacompletenerd,buthehadbigbrowneyesandhewasgreatwiththekids,andremember,whenyouworkinwhatisbasicallyacagethatyou’renotallowedtoleave,yourchoicesarelimitedtowhatstrollsby.

Whichisn’ttosayIdidn’thaveanyotheroptions.Iwas“hiton”byaresidentonce.Hewasaforty-somethingwhiteguywhowasonlythere

foraweekorso.Hetoldusallthathewasintownscoutinglocationsforamovie.Idon’tknowwhatkindofmoviewouldputtheirlocationsscoutupataYMCA,butifIhadtoguessIwouldsayitwasnotTitanic.Anyway,thisguyseemedalmostnormaluntilhewalkeduptomeatthefrontdesk,handedmealittlecardboardbox,said,“Voulezvouscouchezavecmoi?”and

walkedaway.IntheboxwasapacketofSweeTartsandtwousedLindaRonstadttapes.

Needlesstosay,wemarriedinthespring.

ElithePreschoolTeacher—whichiswhathe’dbecalledifthiswereFiddlerontheRoof—wasalsoanaspiringactor,soIinvitedhimtocomeseeastagedreadingof

aplayIwasin.Hesaidyesandthenshowedupwithhisgirlfriend,whowasadoctor.Shehadaboutasmuchpersonalityashehadshoulders.

Isettledintoadailyroutine.Wakeupat4:40A.M.,shower,getonthetrainnorthbytenafterfive.Punchinby5:30.Ilearnedhowlongamorningcanbe.Ifyou’reatworkat5:30A.M.,fivehours

gobyanditis10:30inthemorning.(Ididn’texperiencethatagainuntilIhadanewbornbaby.Itdoesmakeyoufeellikeanasshatforallthosecollegeyearswhenyousleptuntil12:45.)Atmylunchbreak,I’dbuyasandwichfromthemachineinourvendeteria.Apparentlyitusedtobearealcafeteriawith

“thegreatestfries,”butthen

someonedecidedthatwasn’tquitesadenoughanditwasgrim-ovatedintoaroomfullofvendingmachines.

OnFridaysImighttreatmyselftoagreasysliceofpizzaandonionringsatGiggio’sdownthestreet.I’dtrynottothinkaboutthefactthatmyseven-dollarmealwasbasicallyanhour’swages.OnmywaybackandforthImightencounter

Gregory.GregorywasafixturearoundEvanston,well-knownforstoppinganyoneonthestreetandtellingthemhisstory,whichwentlikethis:“Hello,mynameisGregory.Iusedtobeanaccountant.Ihadalovelywifeandfamily.Ihadabighouse.OnedayIhadtogotothestore,butmywifehadthecar.Itookmybike,butIdidn’twearahelmet.Igothitbyatruck.Isufferedahead

injury.Istillhavedifficultywalking.Ilosteverything.Mywifeleftme.Ilostmyjob.Sowhenyourideyourbike,thinkofmeandalwayswearahelmet.”Hisinjuryhadalsodestroyedhisshort-termmemory,sohewouldtellyouhisstoryeverytimehemetyou.

WhenGregorywasn’twalkingaroundtowntellingthisstory,hewascomingto

theYforhisdailyswim.Imethimeverydayforseveralmonths.

Thepeoplewhoworkedupstairsintheofficeswouldbreezebythefrontdesktopickuptheirmessages.Returningfromtheirhourlonglunchesinrestaurants,goingtothebathroomwhenevertheywanted,theofficepeoplehaditmade.Aguyinboxer

shortsneverscreamedatthemthattheresidentloungeTVwasbroken.Theynevergotreprimandedforpeelinganorangewhileworking.Ouronlypoweroverthemwasthatwehadto“buzzthemin”tothefrontdeskarea,andsometimesDonnaandIwouldbuzzittooshortsothey’dpushonthedooranditwasalreadylockedagain.Thesmalljoys.

TheguyinchargeoftheresidencewasabigdoughybaldguywhoselastnamehadmoreconsonantsinitthanIhaveinthisbook.Ialwaysthoughthehadthehardestjob.Hehadtodealwithallofthesegentlemenandwhatevertheircomplicated,depressingbackstorieswere.Heseemedtohavealotofcompassion,buthealsohadtobetoughandkickpeopleoutsometimes.

Unlikethewomenwhoranthefitnessprogramorthechildcareprogram,heexperiencedzeropointzerofuninhisday-to-daywork.EvenatChristmas,whenotherdepartmentsweredoingcraftswithkidsorhavingSecretSantawiththeircoworkers,Mr.Mczrkskczkhadtoorganizeaholidaydinnerinthebasementforallthemenwhohadnowheretogo.

WhenItookthejobatthefrontdeskinearlyNovember,IhadstipulatedthatIhadtohaveoffafewdaysaroundChristmasbecauseIhadalreadybookedaflighthometoseemyfamily.ThisbeingmyfirstChristmasaftercollege,Iwasusedtohavingamonthoffovertheholidays,andcuttingthatdowntoathree-dayweekendalreadyhadmeweepyanddepressed.I’msurethatIinsomeway

screwedDonnaoverbydoingthis,andsheprobablyrantedandravedtoherhusband,“GottaworkChristmas.

Stop.”

Thetwenty-thirdcame.Ipunchedmytimecardandheadedout,excitedtoseemyfamilyandenjoysomemiddle-classcomforts.Onmywayoutofthebuilding,IpassedtheMen’sResidence

ChristmasDinner.Ifyou’veeverwitnessedaschoolbusaccidentoradogtryingtonudgeitsdeadownerbacktolife,thenthesightofthisdinnerprobablywouldn’taffectyou.Butforme,itwaseasilythethird-saddestthingI’veeverseeninmylife.

Theresidentswereatalongtableinthebasement,andMr.MkvcrkvckzwaswearingaSantahatwithhisdingy

suit.Therehadbeensomekindofturkeydinner,becausetheplacesmelledlikegravy,andtheywerejustopeningtheirpresents.AtallgoonykidnamedTimmyheldupapairoftubesocks.

ThereweretubesocksforMr.Engler.Openingtubesocksoverhere,boss!Theyallgottubesocks.Itwasn’tthetubesocksthatgotme.Itwasn’tknowingthatthese

guyswouldgetnothingelseforChristmas.ItwasthethoughtofMr.Mvzkrskchsatthedollarstorebuyingfortypairsoftubesocksthatsetmeweepingallthewayhome.ThiswascompoundedbythefactthatWhitneyHouston’scoverof“IWillAlwaysLoveYou”wasconstantlyonmyFMWalkmanradioaroundthattime.IthinkthatmademecrybecauseIassociateditwithabsolutelynoone.

Afteravisittocivilizationwithmyfamily,Ifoundthefrontdeskhardertotake.

TherewasaricholdguynamedJohnDonnellywhomusthavedonatedabunchofmoney.Hehadforgottenhismembercardoneday,andwhenItriedtoexplainthatitwasafour-dollarfeetoenterwithoutacard,hewentbatshit.“Don’tyouknowwhoIam,goddammit?”Ihad

neverseenhimbefore.

“DoyouknowwhoIam?”Iwantedtosay.“ThenhowcouldIknowwhoyouare?Wedon’tknoweachother.”Mybosspulledmeasideandtoldmetojustgivehimwhateverhewantednomatterhowmuchofaprickhewas.Ifoundheusuallywantedafreeguestpassforwhoeverwaswithhiminsteadofpayingthesixbucks.This

chiselingbehaviorhelpedmerealizethatmostgymfeesareascamandonlysuckerspaythem.Ifoundmyselfpocketingtheoccasionalguest-passmoneyandtreatingmyselftosomeGiggio’s.Whatwashappeningtomymoralcompass?

OnedaysweetgoonyTimmycamedowntothelobbywithadarklookinhiseyes.He

waspacingthelobby,ignoringus.“Heethoffhismedth!”JoeDaffy-Duckedfromthemailroomwhenhesawhim.“Heethoffhismedth!”Joe’sDaffyDuckismspreadintohisbodyasheflittedaroundinapanic.BythetimeIfiguredoutthatJoewassaying“He’soffhismeds,”asin“offhismedication,”itwastoolate.

SweetTimmyhadrushedup

toayoungmominLycraworkoutpantsandblurted,“Iwannasquirtitinyourmouth.”PoorTim,hewasinbigtrouble.Mr.Mrkkkzzzhadtobecalledinearly.Theyoungmotherwasbesideherself.That’sthekindoftroubleyougetwhendiversegroupsofpeopleactuallycrosspathswithoneanother.That’swhymanyoftheworstthingsintheworldhappeninandaroundStarbucks

bathrooms.

IstartedtoseeapatternattheYoungMen’sChristianAssociation.Itwasapowerpyramid.Atthebottomwereallthesedisenfranchisedresidentswhohadtobetakencareoflikechildren,abovethemwereamiddleclassofwomenwhodidalltheworkandkepttheplacerunning,andabovethemweretwoorthreeoftheleast-usefulmen

youevermet.Therewasourcomptroller,Lonny,whoneveronceenteredaroomwithoutsaying,“Arewehavingfunyet?”Heneverwentanywherewithoutfoodonhisface.Andhisexitlinewasalways“There’samillionstoriesinthenakedcity.”Therewastheprogramdirector,whotalkedexclusivelyinnonsensebusinesslanguage:“Weareattemptingtopro-activatethe

communitybyutilizingaseriesofdirectivesintendedtomaximatecommunicativeagreeance.”AttheverytopofthepyramidwasExecutiveDirectorRickChang,whohadnoideawhoanyonewasorwhatanyonedid.He’stheonewhoreprimandedmeforpeelinganorangeatthefrontdesk.

IheardfromDonnathatanofficejobwasopeningupin

theoffice.“Vicky’sassistant’sgoingbacktoschool.Stop.ThinkI’mgonnagoforit.Stop.”IwashappyforDonna.Gettingajobintheofficewouldliterallychangeherlife.

IcontinuedtobestrungalongbyEliNoShoulders—whichiswhathe’dbecalledifthiswereaNativeAmericanfolktale.Henowclaimedtohavebrokenupwithhis

girlfriend.IsatthroughalotofHalHartleymovies.Hedescribedhisplansforaone-manshowaboutCharlieChaplin.Nothingcameofanyofit.

BytheendofJanuary,Ihadstartedtakingimprovclassesatnight.Iwasmakingnewfriends,actualfriendswhowerenotfromplanetGrim.Buttheclassescostmoney,andmy4:40A.M.wake-up

wasgettingharderandharder.OneFebruarymorningwassocoldthattheyclosedschool.Therewasn’tanysnow;theyjustclosedschoolbecausetheydidn’twantkidsdroppingdeadatthebusstop.Iwaitedforthetrainat5:10A.M.wrappedinmultiplehatsandscarvessothatonlymyeyeswereexposed.BythetimeIgottoEvanston,allthebloodvesselsaroundmyeyeshad

burstfromthetemperature.IranintoGregory.HetoldmehisstoryandIassuredhimthatIalwaysworeabikehelmet.WhenIfinallypunchedin,oneofmycoworkersatthefrontdeskwasgigglingaboutsomething.HetoldmethatDaffyDuckJoewastellingpeoplethatheandIwere“doingit.”That’swhatIgotforengaginginsimplepleasantries?Asixty-year-old

hobojerkingittomeupstairs?BeforeIcouldgettooworkedup,Gregorywasnowatthefrontdesk.AsIswipedhismembershipcard,heintroducedhimselftome,toldmehisstory,andsuggestedIwearabikehelmet.RisingtoanIrishboilbehindGregorywasJohnDonnelly,whocouldnotbekeptwaiting.“Takemycard.DoyouknowwhoIamgoddammit?”

Enoughwasenough.IwasgoingtohavetostealthatofficejobfromDonna.Andthat’swheremycollegeeducationfinallygavemetheunfairadvantageI’dbeenwaitingfor.IworejeanstomyinterviewwithVicky.Itwaseasy.DidIhavebasiccomputerskills?Sure,Iwastwenty-two.DidIhaveagoodtemperamentonthephone?Sure.Whatweremycareergoals?“Dothisjobto

payforimprovclasses.”Goodenough.IwentbackdownstairstorelieveDonnaonthephones.“You’reup,”Itoldher.

AsIwatchedhernervouslytrundleupthestepstoherinterview,Iknewitwasnocontest.PoorDonnahadbeenatthefrontdesktoolong.Youcouldsmellotherpeople’sgrimnessonher,likemyroommate’sBOwafting

outofthebluesuit.

Donnawouldhavethrownherselfintothatofficejobwithdeepcommitmentfortherestofherlife.IstayedlessthanayearandbailedwhenIgotajobwithTheSecondCityTouringCompany.

Thatmakesmesoundlikeajerk,Iknow.Butrememberthebeginningofthestory

whereIwastheunderdog?No?Meneither.

TheWindyCity,FullofMeat

ThemostfunjobIeverhadwasworkingatatheaterinChicagocalledTheSecondCity.Ifyou’veneverheardofTheSecondCity,itisanimprovisationandsketchcomedytheaterinChicago,foundedin1959bysome

UniversityofChicagobrainiacs.There’saSecondCitytheaterinChicagoandoneinToronto,andbetweenthetwotheyhaveturnedoutsomemind-blowingalumni,includingJohnBelushi,GildaRadner,DanAykroyd,ChrisFarley,JohnCandy,CatherineO’Hara,EugeneLevy,AndreaMartin,SteveCarell,AmySedaris,AmyPoehler,andStephenColbert.Icouldgoon,butmyeditor

toldmethatwasacheapwaytofleshoutthebook.

ImovedtoChicagoin1992tostudyimprovanditwaseverythingIwantedittobe.Itwaslikeacult.Peopleate,slept,anddefinitelydrankimprov.Theyworkedatcrappydayjobsjusttohandovertheirmoneyforimprovclasses.Eageryoungpeopleinkhakisandpoloshirtswerewillingtodowhatever

teacherslikeDelCloseandMartindeMaattoldthemto.Inretrospect,itmayactuallyhavebeenacult.

Ihadstudiedlegitactingmethodsincollege—Stanislavsky,Meisner,CicelyBerry’sTheActorandHisText—butanyTVcriticwilltellyouthatInevermasteredanyofthem.Improvisationasawayofworkingmadesensetome.Ilovetheideaoftwo

actorsonstagewithnothing—nocostumes,nosets,nodialogue—whomakeupsomethingtogetherthatisthencompletelyrealtoeveryoneintheroom.

Therulesofimprovisationappealedtomenotonlyasawayofcreatingcomedy,butasaworldview.

Studyingimprovisationliterallychangedmylife.It

setmeonacareerpathtowardSaturdayNightLive.ItchangedthewayIlookattheworld,andit’swhereImetmyhusband.Whathasyourcultdoneforyoulately?

WhenIfirststartedworkingatTheSecondCity,thereweretworesidentcompaniesandthreetouringcompanies.Theresidentcompanieswouldwriteandperformoriginalsketchcomedyshows

forpackedhousesinChicago.Thetouringcompanieswouldtakethebestpiecesfromtheseshowsandperformtheminchurchbasementsandcommunitycentersaroundthecountry.Wetraveledbyvantoallkindsofdestinations,fromupstateNewYorktoSt.Paul,Minnesota,toWaco,Texas.

Inthetouringcompanywewerepaidseventy-fivedollars

pershowandatwenty-five-dollarperdiem.Ofcourse,sometimesyou’dhaveashowinKansasfollowedbyashowinTexasfollowedbyanothershowinKansas,soyou’dhavetorideinthevanfortwodaystogettoyourseventy-five-dollargig.Itwasn’tlucrative,butitwasshowbusiness!

Therewerethreetouringcompanies:RedCompany,

GreenCompany,andBlueCompany.IwasintheBlueCompany,orBlueCoaswecalledittobeunbelievablycool.IstillfeelaffectionforthemembersofBlueColikeweservedinthemilitarytogether.SpecificallytheFrenchmilitary,becausewewerelazyandalittlebitsneaky.Forexample,theyoncesentusonatourofTexasandtheMidwest,andthemomentthevanpulled

awayfromthetheater,weallagreedtothrowoutthe“bestof”sketcheswehadbeendirectedtoperformandreplacethemwithourownoriginalmaterial.AmyPoehlerinparticularwastiredofbeinghandeddatedoldblond-girlroleswhereallherlineswerethingslike

“Here’syourcoffee,honey,”or“Mr.Johnsonwillseeyounow,”or“Whattayameana

blinddate?!”

Eachnightwe’dpulloutanoldsketchandreplaceitwithsomethingofourown.MyfriendAliFarahnakian,whoisageniusinmanyways,wroteaveryfunnymonologueabouttheMcDonald’sBigMac.DuringthecourseofthemonologuehewouldeatanentireBigMacExtraValueMealonstage.

Becausethemealwastechnicallyaprop,hemadethestagemanagerbuyitforhimeverynightandhekepthistwenty-fivedollars.ThesewerethekindsofskillsyoulearnedtouringforTheSecondCity.BythetimewereturnedtoChicagotendayslater,the“bestof”showwascompletelygoneandwewereinbigtrouble,exceptwedidn’treallycare.

TheRulesofImprovisationThatWillChangeYourLifeandReduceBelly

Fat*

ThefirstruleofimprovisationisAGREE.AlwaysagreeandSAYYES.Whenyou’reimprovising,thismeansyouarerequiredtoagreewithwhateveryourpartnerhascreated.Soifwe’reimprovisingandIsay,

“Freeze,Ihaveagun,”andyousay,“That’snotagun.It’syourfinger.You’repointingyourfingeratme,”ourimprovisedscenehasgroundtoahalt.ButifIsay,“Freeze,Ihaveagun!”andyousay,

“ThegunIgaveyouforChristmas!Youbastard!”thenwehavestartedascenebecausewehaveAGREEDthatmyfingerisinfacta

Christmasgun.

Now,obviouslyinreallifeyou’renotalwaysgoingtoagreewitheverythingeveryonesays.ButtheRuleofAgreementremindsyouto“respectwhatyourpartnerhascreated”andtoatleaststartfromanopen-mindedplace.StartwithaYESandseewherethattakesyou.

Asanimproviser,Ialways

finditjarringwhenImeetsomeoneinreallifewhosefirstanswerisno.“No,wecan’tdothat.”“No,that’snotinthebudget.”“No,Iwillnotholdyourhandforadollar.”

Whatkindofwayisthattolive?

Thesecondruleofimprovisationisnotonlytosayyes,butYES,AND.You

aresupposedtoagreeandthenaddsomethingofyourown.IfIstartascenewith“Ican’tbelieveit’ssohotinhere,”andyoujustsay,“Yeah…”we’rekindofatastandstill.ButifIsay,“Ican’tbelieveit’ssohotinhere,”andyousay,

“Whatdidyouexpect?We’reinhell.”OrifIsay,“Ican’tbelieveit’ssohotinhere,”andyousay,“Yes,thiscan’t

begoodforthewaxfigures.”OrifIsay,“Ican’tbelieveit’ssohotinhere,”andyousay,“Itoldyouweshouldn’thavecrawledintothisdog’smouth,”nowwe’regettingsomewhere.

TomeYES,ANDmeansdon’tbeafraidtocontribute.It’syourresponsibilitytocontribute.Alwaysmakesureyou’readdingsomethingtothediscussion.Your

initiationsareworthwhile.

ThenextruleisMAKESTATEMENTS.Thisisapositivewayofsaying“Don’taskquestionsallthetime.”Ifwe’reinasceneandIsay,“Whoareyou?Wherearewe?Whatarewedoinghere?What’sinthatbox?”I’mputtingpressureonyoutocomeupwithalltheanswers.

Inotherwords:Whateverthe

problem,bepartofthesolution.Don’tjustsitaroundraisingquestionsandpointingoutobstacles.We’veallworkedwiththatperson.Thatpersonisadrag.It’susuallythesamepersonaroundtheofficewhosaysthingslike“There’snocaloriesinitifyoueatitstandingup!”and“IfeltmenacedwhenTerryraisedhervoice.”

MAKESTATEMENTSalsoappliestouswomen:Speakinstatementsinsteadofapologeticquestions.Noonewantstogotoadoctorwhosays,“I’mgoingtobeyoursurgeon?I’mheretotalktoyouaboutyourprocedure?IwasfirstinmyclassatJohnsHopkins,so?”Makestatements,withyouractionsandyourvoice.

Insteadofsaying“Whereare

we?”makeastatementlike“HereweareinSpain,Dracula.”Okay,

“HereweareinSpain,Dracula”mayseemlikeaterriblestarttoascene,butthisleadsustothebestrule:

THEREARENOMISTAKES,onlyopportunities.IfIstartasceneaswhatIthinkisveryclearlyacopridingabicycle,

butyouthinkIamahamsterinahamsterwheel,guesswhat?NowI’mahamsterinahamsterwheel.I’mnotgoingtostopeverythingtoexplainthatitwasreallysupposedtobeabike.

Whoknows?MaybeI’llendupbeingapolicehamsterwho’sbeenputon“hamsterwheel”dutybecauseI’m“toomuchofaloosecannon”inthefield.Inimprovthereare

nomistakes,onlybeautifulhappyaccidents.Andmanyoftheworld’sgreatestdiscoverieshavebeenbyaccident.Imean,lookattheReese’sPeanutButterCup,orBotox.

BossypantsLesson#183:YouCan’tBossPeopleAroundIfTheyDon’t

ReallyCare

TheproducerstriedtopunishBlueCobygivingustheworstgigs.PromshowswereheldatoneA.M.afterahighschoolprom,andattendancewasmandatory.Itwasbasicallyawaytokeepkidsfromdrinkingorhavingsexonpromnight,andtheperformershateddoingtheseshowsalmostasmuchasthekidshatedwatchingthem.Imaginehowmadyouwouldbeifyouweremissingouton

atoothyknobjobtowatchsomecultmembersmakeupasongaboutthe1996election.

Therewereotherterribleshows.Brightlylithotelballroomswithbrokenmicrophones.Collegeshowswherethekidswerealldrunk.Charitybuyoutswheretheaudiencewasvery,verysober.

CorporategigsateightA.M.foremployeeswhoweretheretobetoldaboutreductionsintheirhealthcarebenefits.Basically,anytimeyouwereperformingforanaudiencethatwasnottherevoluntarily,itwasaroughshow.

Aftersevenoreightmonthsoftouring,westartedtowonderwhichofusactorswouldgetpromotedtooneof

themaincompanies.TheMainstagecastandthe“SecondCitye.t.c.”castgottostayinChicagoandearnaunionizedlivingwage.Theywoulddeveloptheirownsketchesbyimprovisinginfrontofanaudience,thenkeepingtheideasthathadworkeduntiltheyhadafulltwo-hourshow.Itwasthedreamjob.However,ofalltheplacesI’veworkedthatweresupposedlyboys’clubs,

TheSecondCitywastheonlyonewhereIexperiencedinstitutionalizedgendernonsense.Forexample,adirectorofoneofthemaincompaniesoncejustifiedcuttingascenebysaying,“Theaudiencedoesn’twanttoseeascenebetweentwowomen.”Whaaa?Moreonthatlater.

In1995,eachcastatTheSecondCitywasmadeupof

fourmenandtwowomen.Whenitwassuggestedthattheyswitchoneofthecompaniestothreemenandthreewomen,theproducersanddirectorshadthesamepanickedreaction.“Youcan’tdothat.Therewon’tbeenoughpartstogoaround.Therewon’tbeenoughforthegirls.”Thismadenosensetome,probablybecauseIspeakEnglishandhaveneverhadaheadinjury.We

weren’tdoingDeathofaSalesman.Weweremakinguptheshowourselves.Howcouldtherenotbeenoughparts?Wherewasthe“Yes,and”?Ifeveryonehadsomethingtocontribute,therewouldbeenough.Theinsultingimplication,ofcourse,wasthatthewomenwouldn’thaveanyideas.

I’mhappytosaytheproducersdidjumpintothe

twentiethcenturyandswitchtoacastof

“threeandthree,”andIgottobethatthirdwomaninthefirstgender-equalcast.However,Imustsay,asapointofpride,thatIdidn’tgetthejobbecauseIwasawoman.IgotthejobbecauseAmyPoehlerhadmovedtoNewYorkwiththeUprightCitizensBrigadeandIwasthenextbestthing.

ButthiswasthefirsttimeIexperiencedwhatIliketocall“TheMythofNotEnough.”

WhenIworkedatSaturdayNightLive,IhadafiveA.M.argumentwithoneofour

mostintelligentactresses.ItwasrumoredthatLornewasaddinganotherwomantothecast,andshewasirate.(Infairness,shewasalsoexhausted.ItwasfiveA.M.afterwritingallnight.)Shefelttherewouldn’tbeenoughforthegirlsandthatthisgirlwastoosimilartoher.Therewouldn’tbeenoughscreentimetogoaround.

Irevivedmyoldargument:

Howcouldthisbetrueifwemadeuptheshow?Abunchofussuggestedthattheycollaborateinsteadofcompete.And,ofcourse,that’swhattheydid,withgreatsuccess,oncetheywereactuallyinaroomtogether.Butwheredoesthatinitialpaniccomefrom?

ThisiswhatItellyoungwomenwhoaskmeforcareeradvice.Peoplearegoingto

trytotrickyou.Tomakeyoufeelthatyouareincompetitionwithoneanother.“You’reupforapromotion.Iftheygowithawoman,it’llbebetweenyouandBarbara.”Don’tbefooled.You’renotincompetitionwithotherwomen.You’reincompetitionwitheveryone.

Also,Iencouragethemtoalwayswearabra.Evenifyoudon’tthinkyouneedit,

just…youknowwhat?You’renevergoingtoregretit.

Mydreamforthefutureisthatsketchcomedyshowsbecomeagender-blindmeritocracyofwhoeverisreallythefunniest.Youmightseefourwomenandtwomen.YoumightseefivemenandaYouTubevideoofakittensneezing.Onceweknowwe’rereallyopentoallthe

options,wecanproceedwithWhatever’stheFunniest…whichwillprobablyinvolvefarts.

MyHoneymoon,orASupposedlyFunThingI’llNeverDoAgainEither*

Myhusbanddoesn’tliketofly.Hedoesflynowbecausehedoesn’twantourdaughtertogrowupthinkingheisaDonKnottscharacter.But

whenwewerefirstmarried,hedidn’tfly.

ImadehimflyoncebeforeweweremarriedbecausehewasofferedafreetriptoVienna,Austria,todirectasketchcomedyshowforanEnglish-languagetheater.IfyouknowanythingaboutVienna,youknowthattheyloveChicago-stylesketchcomedy!*

Anyway,notknowingthenthedepthofhisfear,IbulliedhimintotakingthefreetriptoAustria,assuringhimthatIwouldbewithhimallthewayandtalkhimthroughtheflight.TogettoViennafromChicago,youflytoZurich,dropthroughthebumpyairpocketsaroundtheAlps,land,andthentakeoffagain.Thisistheworstthingforfearfulflyersbecausetheyallclingtothatsamefactnugget

likeRainman:“Mostplanescrashduringtakeoffandlanding!”Weweredoingtwiceasmuchtakingoffandlandingashehadagreedto.Thiswasunacceptable.Hewasmiserabletheentireweekwewerethere,distractedbyworryaboutthetriphome.

IsworeIwouldnevermakehimflyagain.

Justyearslater,weget

married.Marriageleadstoahoneymoon,whichtraditionallyinvolvestravel.

Forourhoneymoon,webookacruisetoBermudabecausetheshipleavesfromNewYork.(Wedon’thavetoflytoMiamitogetonit.)WeboardtheshipfromagianthangarontheWestSideofManhattan.Thereareguysplayingsteeldrumsandhandingyoudrinks.They

don’taskifyouarearecoveringalcoholicorifyouareonanymedicationsthatmightinteractnegativelywithalcohol.Thisismaritimelaw!Yougetadrinkwithoutasking.Afterabrief“musterdrill”wherenoonepaysattentiontowheretheirlifeboatstationis,thefunbegins.Andthefirstfewdaysareprettyfun.

Wehavealittleroomwitha

balcony.Thecouplenextdoorhasabalconyaboutteninchesaway.Theydon’tintroducethemselves,buttheyarecomicallydrunkmostofthetimeandthewifewearsaspanglyAmerican-flagbikini,leadingmetobelievesheisaretiredstripper.

There’sapool,kindof.It’smorelikeabigsloshingkiddiepool,andifyougetin

it,youfeellikeyouaretakingabathwithstrangers.

TherearesomewonderfulFilipinoswhofoldyourtowelsintheshapeofadifferentanimaleverynight.Itmightbeanelephantwearingyoursunglasses,oraduckwearingyoursunglasses.It’sjustfun.Don’toverthinkit.

Therearefunactivities

hostedbyourcruisedirector,whocallshimself“DanDanthePartyMan.”Hehasrecentlyreplacedthepreviouscruisedirector,“PetePetethePartyMeat,”whoreplaced

“GuyGuytheFuntimesPerson,”whohadrecentlydiedofautoeroticasphyxiation.No,thatpart’snottrue!That’sajoke-lie.I’mnotgoingtolietoyouinthisstorybecauseIwantyou

toknowthattherestofitistrue.

DanDanthePartyManleadspoolsidegamesthatinclude:Peoplepretendingtobehorsesinasteeplechase.Adancecontest.Somethingwithbeachballs.

Atmealtimeswesitatanassignedtable.Theothertwocouplesatourtablearemiddle-agedin-lawsfromthe

DelawareWaterGap.RichardandBarbra,BettyandBernie.Wetalkaboutdogbreedsandfishing;myknowledgeofbothtopicsisequal.Weagreethattheship’sfoodisasgoodasanyrestaurantinNewYork(between48thand50thStreetonSeventhAvenue).BettyandBerniesaytheywantedtotakethistripasado-overoftheirhoneymoon.Apparently,theyhadhoneymoonedinBermuda

thirty-fiveyearsagoandthewholetriphadbeenadisasterbecauseBettybrokeherarmfallingoffascooter.“NeverrentascooterinBermuda,”Berniesays.Bettyoverlapshim,“Theyalwaystellyouonthesecruises,don’trentascooterwhenyougettoBermuda.You’renotusedtoit.You’llhaveanaccident.Butpeopledon’tlisten.”Weallagree;peoplejustdon’tlisten.

Whileourlittlesix-topgetsalongfine,weareallsilentlyjealousofnearbytabletwenty,amixofyoungcouplesandstraygayswhoarehittingitoffbig-time.Everylullinourdiscussionof“Germanshepherdswehaveknown”isfilledwithaboisterousdrunkenlaughfromtabletwenty.

Itisworthnotingthatatthistime,Ihadbeendoing

WeekendUpdateonSaturdayNightLivefortwofullseasons.Iamnotrecognizedbyanyone.Well,Iamrecognizedbytheguywhorefillsthesoft-serveicecreammachinebythepool,butnotforbeingonTV,justforlingering.ForO!Thedesserts!

Rowsandrowsofpastrieslaidoutcafeteria-style.Someofthemareunidentifiable

squaresofpinkstuff.

Ithinkwecalleditjunketbackintheseventies.Theydon’ttastegood;butlikeaschoolboyathisfirstcoeddance,Iamdrawnnotsomuchbytheirbeautyasbytheirunlimitedquantities.

OndaythreeIamveryexcitedtoattendoneofourspecialexcursionsforwhichyoupayextra.

WearegoingtogetofftheboatearlyinthemorninginBermuda,wherewewillbegivenbicycles.Wewillrideourbikesaroundtheislandwithaguidetoaspecialsecludedbeachwherewecanswimandhaverumswizzlesandthenwewillbetakenbacktotheshipbyapartyboat.Soundsprettygood,right?

That’swhatIthought,too.I

wouldn’tshutupaboutit.ForweeksbeforeweleftIbraggedabouthowIhadchosenthebestexcursion.Itwasfunandfitnesscombined!Itwasagreatwaytoseetheisland!MyhusbandandIwaitatthedesignatedpickuppointat8:30A.M.Nooneelseshowsup.Aquickcheckofouritineraryrevealstheheartbreakingtruth.Thebiketripwasyesterday.Inmyexcitement,Imemorized

itwrong.Icry.Icrylikeathreeyearoldwhojustwantstotakehertoycashregisterintothebathtub.IcryinawaythatrevealsthatI’mnotfindingtherestofthecruisethatfun.

Thisisdefinitelythelowpointofthetrip,untilthefire.Ohyes,there’sashipfirecominginthisstory.Waitforit.

Oncemyfitness-and-fundreamsaredashed,Istarttoleanhardintothefood.Softserve,hotdogtimeatthepool,anightlyaperitifcalledtheChocolateMudslide,whichisbasicallyatwenty-ouncechocolateshakewithathimbleofBailey’sinit.

Thelastnightofthecruiseisformalnight.Myhusband,whoforlegalreasonsIwillcallBarry,iswearingasuit

thathehadcustom-madeforhimbyaPortuguesetailorinPennsylvania.IamwearingadressthatwasfoistedonmebysomeaggressiveRussiansalespeopleontheUpperWestSideofManhattan.Needlesstosay,wearefeelingverycontinental.Photographerscometothetablesandtakeformalphotosofusall,aswellasnoveltyphotosofusbeingmenacedtablesidebyawomandressed

asapirate.Duringdinnerthereisapassengertalentshow.Andsureenough,thelittlegayfromtabletwentydoesatapdance,cheeredonbyhisnewbestfriends.Thoseassholes.

Afterdinnerwesettleintotheship’sthousand-seattheatertoenjoytheelevenP.M.

performanceofFiestaCaliente.Thehouseispacked

forthismusicaldancecelebrationofLatinpopmusic.Oneofthedancersis“warmingup”onstageaspartofthepreshow,atheatricalconventionthatmyhusbandandIcanappreciatebecausewe’refromNewYorkandknowaboutthings.MyChocolateMudslideisgoingdownsmoothwhenwehearthethreebells.Bing.Bing.Bing.ButinsteadofDanDanthePartyMan,it’sa

woman’svoiceandshe’sbreathingheavily.ShesoundsFilipina,ifthat’sevenathing.“Bravo…Bravo…Bravo,”shepants.“Mainengine.Starboardside.Bravo…Bravo…Bravo.”Wehearthespeakershutoff.Peoplelookaroundalittlenervously.Thedancerwarminguponstagemakesabeelineforbackstage.Withinsecondsthethreebellsareback.Oh,thankGod,it’sourGreek

captain.

“Laydisandgentlemen,thissisyourcaptainspicking.Plissproceedtoyourmusterstations.”ThisisnotwhatIwantedhimtosay.Wegetupandmakeourwaypainfullyslowlythroughthecompletelyfulltheater.

Everyoneisquiet.Whichisthewooooooorst.It’sscarywhenagroupofpeopleall

knowinstinctivelynottojokearound.AnothervoicecomesoverthePA,repeating,“Please,remaincalm.

Pleaseproceedtoyourmusterstations.”TheGermanhalfofmeisthinking,“Shovetheoldpeopleoutoftheway.Shovetheoldandtheinfirm!Iftheyarestrongenoughtoresistyou,theydeservetolive.”

TheGreekhalfofmewantstoscreamatourGreekcaptain.Idoneitherandproceedobediently.

WestopatourcabinalongthewaysothatIcanchangeintosneakers.Ihaveastrongurgetoliedownandpretendthisisnothappening—liketheoldcoupleinTitanic.That’showIwanttogo,ice-coldwaterrisingaroundourspooningbodiesandme

somehowsuccessfullywillingmybodytonap.ItiemySauconys.*“Weshouldhurry,”Jeffsaysquietly.(Damnit,IpromisedmyselfIwouldn’tusehisrealname!)Weheadtoourmusterstation,gratefulthatwewenttothedrill.Womenandchildrenareputtothefront,menintheback.Theyreallystilldothat.IholdJeff’shanddiagonallythroughthecrowd.

We’regoingtobeoneofthosestoriesofacouplethatdiedontheirhoneymoon.We’llbeonthelocalnews.They’llidentifyJeffbythemonograminsidethatsuitjacket.IthinkabouthowhorribleitwillbeifIhavetogetonthelifeboatandleavehimbehind.

Anotherannouncement.“ThisisDanyourcruisedirector.Wehaveafireintheengine

roomduetoaburstfuelpipe.Ourcrewisworkinghardtoputthefireout,andIwillupdateyouasIhavemoreinformation.”Uh-oh.Where’sDanDanthePartyMan?

Ilookaround.Thereareseveraltween-agegirls,intears,girlswhohavenodoubtwatchedTitanicmoretimesthanyouhavelookedatyourownstools.Therearelittler

kidswhoarelaughing,unaware.Therearethedopeswhobroketheirarmsandanklesonscooters(peoplereallydon’tlisten),whoarenowwonderingifitwillcostthemtheirlives.Thewildlydrunkmanfromthecabinnextdoortooursisinfrontofmeinthecrowd.He’ssodrunkthathe’sstandinginthewomen-and-childrensection.

Hecomplainsloudlythatthisisboringandthatweareabunchofassholes.Whenaclearlyterrifiedwomanblurtsout,“Please,sir,bequiet,”heswaysforasecondandthenletsoutalong“Shuuuuutuuuuuuup”thatisfunnynotjustbecauseofitsJackieGleason–styledeliverybutalsobecauseofitsinappropriatenessinasituationwherewe’reallprobablygoingtodie.

Aboutthirtyminuteslater,DanDantheDeathMancomesbackon,sayingthatthankstotheexcellentworkofthefirefightersonthecrew,thefireisout.Wewillbeabletoreturntoourcabinsassoonastherestoftheshiphasbeenchecked.Hesaystheheatfromthefiresetoffeveryfirealarmontheshipandsoeverychambermustbecheckedbeforewecangobackinside.Mostpeopletake

thisasgoodnews.ButI’mtoosmartforthat.Iknowthatextremeheatplusaburstfuelpipemeansthattheshipisgoingtoexplodenow.Whilepeoplearoundmestarttorelax,Ikeepmyeyesonthesea,waitingtoberocketedintoitonawaveoffire.I’llbereadyforittohappenandthatwayitwon’thappen.It’saburden,beingabletocontrolsituationswithmyhyper-vigilance,butit’smy

lotinlife.

Somecrewmemberscomearoundwithcoolersofcolddrinks.Anearbywomantakesasodaandhandsitback,saying,“Doyouhavediet?”IfGodhadasenseofhumor,theshipwouldhaveexplodedrightthen.(Actually,IthinkGoddoeshaveasenseofhumor,asevidencedbysquirrelseatingpizzawiththeirhandsand

thatthingwheresuicidebombersaccidentallydetonatebeforetheygettotheirdestination.)Theshipdoesn’texplode.

Afteranhourorso,we’reallowedintotheloungeandtheygiveoutplayingcards.Peoplearesleepingonthefloor.It’sveryPoseidonAdventure.It’salmostthreeA.M.whenwereturntoourcabin.

Oursunglassesarejustsittingthereonthebed;whatevertowelanimalwaswearingthemhasfledinterror.

Wesleepinourclothes.Inthemorning,myhusband,whoforlegalreasonsIwillnowcallLee,wakesmeupandsaysthatwehaveturnedbacktoBermuda.ThisisoneofthethingsIloveaboutLee,thatheismanlyandold-fashionedenoughtoknow

thatthesunshouldbeonourrightifwe’reheadednorth.TheymustbetakingusbacktoBermudaandflyingushome.Lee’sfaceshrinkswithworry.Ithinkaboutourtablemateswhohadmentionedtheyalsodidn’tliketofly.Mostofthepeopleonthisshipareafraidtofly.MyGod:That’swhythey’rehere.Cruisingitselfisnotactuallyfun!Ispringintoaction.

Theremustbeafiniteamountofanti-anxietymedicationonthisship.Whilemostpeoplearestillasleep,Ifindtheinfirmaryandprocuretwopillsformyhusband.OneforwhentheplanetakesoffandoneforwhenItellhimhe’sright,we’rebeingsenthomeonaplane.

Afterhandingthefirstpilltomyhusband,Rod(Jeff’scomplainingthatLeesounds

toofeminine.

Dammit,Iusedhisrealnameagain!),Iheadtothebusinesscenterandmakeaforty-dollarship-to-shorecalltoletmyparentsknowthatinspiteofwhattheyhaveseenonthenews,we’reokay.Iamsurprisedtolearnthatthiswasnotanewsstory.

Thecrewtriestodownplaytheseriousnessofthenight

before.The“midnightcookingdemonstration,”cancelledlastnight,isnowbeingheldinthehotsunlight.Theguysarebackplayingthesteeldrumsbythepoolbar,butnowthemusicseemscreepy,likewhenchildrensinginahorrormovieorwhenguysplaysteeldrumsonacruiseshipthatalmostsank.Thecrewisglum.Thescuttlebutt(whichactuallyisscuttlebuttandnotgossip,

becausewe’reonaship)isthattheshipisbeingtakenbacktoBermuda,whereitwillbedry-dockedandrepairedforsixmonths.Nowonderthey’realittlehalfheartedaboutthecookingdemonstration;they’realloutofajob.

Ibuyourformal-nightpicturefromthephotocenter.ThatIactuallypayforit,insteadofjusttakingitafterallthis

nonsense,isacredittomyparents.RodandIarelookingtanandgrinningattheladypiratebetweenus.Whatamountofrevisionismwillbenecessaryforthisphototobeanaccuratemementoofourtrip?

IrunintoBetty,Bernie,Barbra,andRichardinthecafeteria.BettyandBerniehaveofficiallygivenuponBermuda.Richardisashen.I

cantellheistheonewho’sterrifiedtofly.“Didyougetsomepills?”Iask.“Theywereout,”hiswifeanswers.

AstheshippullsbackintoKing’sWharf,localwomenandchildrenarecheeringusin.LittletoplessboysarewavingtheirT-shirtsintheair.Nothinggivesyouafearflashbacklikeabunchofstrangerscheeringinsurprisethatyou’renotdead.

TheyputusonacharteredflightbacktoNewYork.Ifyou’veneverbeenonacharteredflightfullofpeoplewhoareafraidtoflywhohavealsobeentraumatizedinthepasttwelvehours,Irecommenditmorethanacruise.It’sprettyfunny.Everyoneisjittery,andwhenthepilotmakestheunfortunatechoiceoftestingthePAsystembysaying,“Bravo,bravo,”youcan

almosthearpeople’sb-holestighten.Acollectivecartoon-mousesqueakofb-hole.

WhatifItoldyounowthattheplanecrashedwhiletaxiingontherunway?Itdidn’t.Wemadeithome,shakenbuttan.

ThemostinterestingthingIlearnedfromthistripcamewhenItoldthestorytomyfriendJames,whohadbeena

performeronacruiseshipyearsbefore.WhenItoldhimthewomansaid,

“Bravo,bravo,bravo,”Jamesfroze.Didshereallysayitthreetimes?heneededtoknow.ThenJameslaiditoutforme.Bravoisserious.Themoretimestheysayit,themoreseriousitis.Themosttimestheyeversayitisfourtimes,andiftheysayitfourtimes,itmeansyou’regoing

downtoyourwaterygrave.So“Bravo,bravo,bravo”wasnotterrific.Interestingfactnumbertwo:Intheeventofanemergency,itistheentertainerswhoareinchargeofthelifeboats.Becausetherestofthecrewhasactualnauticalduties,thekidsfromFiestaCalientearetrainedtomanthelifeboats.Ifyoueverhavetogetonalifeboat,thepersoninchargeofyoursafetywilllikelybea

nineteen-year-olddancerfromTampawhojusthadafightwithhisboyfriendaboutthenewRihannavideo.Jamesalsotoldmethateachlifeboathasagunonitandthatoncealifeboatisinthewater,theperformer–lifeboatcaptainistrainedtoshootanyonewhoisdisruptive.Thisisapparentlylegalinaccordancewithmaritimelaw.

Aboutaweeklater,wegetaletterofapologyinthemailofferingusafreecruiseofequalorlesservalueascompensationthisofferisnon-transferable.I’mprettysuretheonlypeoplewhotookthatofferwerethedrunkguynextdoor,hisstripperwife,andthosedicksfromtabletwenty.ButIshallnotcruiseagain.Luxurycruisesweredesignedtomakesomethingunbearable—atwo-week

transatlanticcrossing—seembearable.There’snoneedtodoitnow.Thereareplanes.Youwouldn’ttakeavacationwhereyourideonastagecoachfortwomonthsbutthere’sall-you-can-eatshrimp.Youwouldn’ttakeavacationwhereyouhaveanold-timeyappendectomywithoutanesthesiawhilesteeldrumsplay.Youmighttakeavacationwhereyourideonacamelfortwodaysifthey

gaveyouthoseanimaltowelswearingyoursunglasses.

“Whatwereyouthinkingwhenwewereholdinghandsdiagonally?”Iask.Jeffsays,“Iwasthinking,‘It’sgoingtobesohardforherwhenshechoosesnottogetonthatlifeboatandstaywithme.’

”

IdecideIcan’tstartthis

marriagewithalie.

“Really?”Isay.“’CauseIwasthinkingthatitwasgoingtobesohardforyouwhenIgotonthelifeboatandyouhadtostaybehind.”Heisappalled.Ipleadmycase.“RememberwhenwesawTitanichowmadIwasatKateWinsletwhensheclimbedoutofthelifeboatandbackontotheship?Ithinksheencumbered

LeonardoDiCaprio.Ifshehadgoneonthelifeboat,thenhecouldhavehadthatpieceofwoodshewasfloatingonandtheybothwouldhavesurvived.Iwouldneverdothattoyou.”

Iwaitforhisresponse,hopingthatinthetwenty-firstcenturyromanticlovecanbedefinedasnotlyingaboutyourplanstogetonthelifeboatandrememberingto

getyourpartnersomepills.Hejustlaughs.Withthatsettled,webeginourmarriedlife.

TheSecretsofMommy’sBeauty

Iknowwhyyouboughtthisbook.OrshouldIsay,Iknowwhyyouborrowedthisbookfromthatwomanatyouroffice.Youwanttoknowmysecretbeautyregimen.I

learnedearlyonthatawomanmustmasterandprotectthe“SecretsofHerBeauty,”butIwillsharewithyoumyTwelveTenetsofLookingAmazingForever.

1)FormGoodBeautyHabitsEarly

“Howdoyoustaysoeternallyyouthful?”“Yourskinissoflawless.What’syoursecret?”peoplealways

askSharonStone.LikemypeerSharonStone,Ihavealwaysfeltthatthesimplestproductsarethebest.SharoncreditshergoodskintoPond’scoldcream(andmaybealittlebitofnature’sownbotulism.Wink!).InmyyouthIwasheddailywithIvorysoapandPrellshampoo.EveryoneknewPrellwasthebestshampoobecauseyoucouldalsouseittocleanafryingpan.Ithen

driedmyhairwithaHotComb.TheHotCombwasasmallvibrating,wheezinghairbrushthatforsomereasonmyfamilykeptinthediningroomcredenza.Maybeitwantedtobeclosetotheelectricknife,sincetheywerealmosttheexactsamemachine.

IfIdidn’thavethetimeforthefullhot-combtreatment—forexample,ifIwasina

hurrytogetoutsideandchoreographapretendPepsicommercialwithmyfriendMaureen—Iwouldstandinfrontofourgiantairconditionerandletitblastmyhairdry.

2)TheRightUndergarmentsAreanEssentialPartofYourSilhouette

Idevelopedbreastsveryearly,aroundnineyearsold.I

developedbreastssoweirdandhigh,it’spossibletheywereabovemycollarbone.Atthatpoint,wearingabrawasnotsomuchaboutholdingthebreastsup,asclarifyingthattheywerenotagoiter.

Mymotherknewtheimportanceofgettingtherightfitforabra,soshetookmetoJCPenneyandtriedoneonovermyclothes.Shetriedabraonmeovermyclothes

inthemiddleofJCPenney.Ithankherforthis.Thisearlybreast-relatedhumiliationpreventedmefromeverneedingtoparticipatein“GirlsGoneWild”inmytwenties.

3)SkinCare,SkinCare,SkinCare!

Makeupcompaniesliketomakeskincareseemcomplicated,butletme

demystifyitforyou.

TheThreeSecretsofGreatSkinareMoisture,SOOTS(StayOutoftheSun),andBeItalian.TheThreeRulesofSOOTSareSunscreen,AWAH(AlwaysWearaHat),andDLO(Don’tLayOut).“Don’tLayOut”isamnemonicdevicefor“DoLotsofOmega3s,”whichcanbefoundinSWaWB(Salmon,Walnuts,andWeird

Bread).

Consistencyisthemostimportantpartofskincare,followedbyWaterDrinking,andbothofthosearelessimportantthanSLEEP(SleepLikeEveryoneElse,Please).

AtthetenderageoffourteenIwasalreadyinvigoratingmyskinwitharigorousdailymassage.Isqueezedandpickedateverypore,

harvestinganyandallgooballs.This,followedbyabracingsplashofSeaBreeze,hashelpedkeepmyporeslargeandsuppletothisday.

Bynineteen,IhaddiscoveredthatRetin-Awasagreatwaytohavelargechunksofyourskinpeeloffandwafttothefloorduringactingclass.

4)Don’tBeAfraidtoTry“OutsidetheBox”SkinCare

Solutions

Ispentmostof1990bargainingwithGodthatIwouldtakeonegiganticlifelongbackzitinexchangeforclearskinonmyface.Whilethisneverworkedout,IdonotatallregretthetimeIspentpursuingit.It’saboutthejourney,people.

5)TheEyesAretheWindowstoWheretheSoul

IsSupposedtoBe

ItaughtMonicaLewinskyeverythingsheknows…abouteyecream.IguessIshouldbackupandexplainthat.Inthespringof1999,IparticipatedinasecretmeetingwithMonicaLewinsky,SNL

producerMarciKlein,andfellowSNLwriterPaulaPell.Marcicalledandaskedhow

quicklyPaulaandIcouldgetdowntoherTribecaapartment.MonicaLewinskywascomingoverandwethreeweregoingtoconvincehertoappearonSNL.ThiswasbeforeMs.Lewinsky’sinfamousBarbaraWaltersinterviewaired.Noneofushadevenheardherspeakbefore.Shewasstillthatenigmaticgirlintheberetwhodidn’tgettothedrycleanersveryoften.

Wespenttheafternoondrinkingwineandeatingwasabipeas.(Wedidn’tevenbuythegirllunch!Whodidwethinkwewere,presidents?)Monicawasbrightandpersonableandveryopenwithus—maybetooopenforapersoninhersituation.I’mjustsaying,LindaTrippmightnothavebeentheintelligence-gatheringmastermindyouthoughtshewas.

Wetalkedaboutthongs,WeightWatchers,andBrazilianbikiniwaxes.(ButyouprobablyknewallthatwhenIsaiditwas1999.)Whenthetopicturnedtoeyecream,Iwantedtotalk,soIsharedtheonepieceofinformationI’dretainedfromthemeanwomanattheLaMercounterinSaks.“You’resupposedtogentlypatitonwithyourringfinger.”Idemonstrated.“Oh,really?”

Monicaaskedwithalevelofinterestandgullibilitythatexplainedalot.Tothisday,IthinkofMonicawheneverIapplymyeyecream.AndI’msureshethinksofme.

6)SpaceLasers

Asyouage,youmaywanttopaysomeonetoshootlasersatyourface.IfyouareafancyladyandliveinafancyurbancenterlikeNewYork

orDallas–FortWorth,yougotoafancydermatologistandtheycoveryoureyesandpointvariousmachinesatyourfaceto“promotecollagenproduction.”Ifyoulivefarfromacity,youcansimulatetheexperienceathomebyhavingafriendhideyourwalletwhileyousitclosetoaspaceheater.Itwillworkjustaswell.

ForawhileIwasgettingmy

“lasermoneyremoval”donebyafancydoctoronParkAvenue.OnedayIwenttoseeaboutsomehormonalacnethatwouldn’tgoawayonmyjawline.Thedoctoreagerlyinjectedthespotwithsteroids,andwithinadayortwotheblemishhadshrunkdowntonormal.

Unfortunately,thesteroidscausedthespottokeepshrinking,andbytheendof

theweekIhadadivotinmyjawthroughwhichIcouldfeelthebone.IwasfuriousandcomplainingaboutitinthemakeupchairatSNL.“MyfaceisalreadyprettybangedupandnowIhaveanotherscartodealwith?!”AmyPoehlercalledtomefromacrosstheroom,“Thedifferenceis…nowyou’repayingforit.”Shewasright.

Ireallyhadmadeit.Wehigh-

fivedaboutitlater.

7)“AWoman’sHairIsHerCrowningGlory”—theguyswhowrotetheBible

Beautyexpertsinthe1970sdeclaredtheshagthe“mostuniversallyflatteringhaircut.”Theshortlayersinthefrontframedthefacewhileirregularlongerpiecesinthebackelongatedtheneck.Ithinkthispictureprovesthem

right.

Findingahairstylistyoutrustiskey.FormanyyearsIworkedexclusivelywiththestudentsattheGordonPhillipsBeautyAcademy.Thesignoutfrontsaiditall—“GordonPhillipsBeautyAcademy,London,Paris,UpperDarby.”Alwaysonthecuttingedgeofbeauty,Ibelievethishaircutwasexecutedbyfoldingmyfaceinhalfandcuttingoutaheart.OfcourseImustbehonest;

thisisclearlyaprofessionalphototakenon“pictureday.”Ididn’tlookthissleekandpulledtogetherallthetime.

8)Q:ButTina,MostofUsDon’tHaveConstantAccesstoaHairstylist.WhatDo

WeDo?

A:FirstofAll,Don’tSpeaktoMeinThatTone.SecondofAll,YouMustLearnto

TameYourOwnMane!

Ifirstfoundasystemthatworkedformeinthemid-eighties.OnceortwiceaweekIwouldsetmyalarmforsixA.M.soIcouldgetupandplugintheHotStix.HotStixwereheatedrubbersticks,andyouwouldtwistyourhairaroundthemandrollitup.Afteraboutfifteenminutes,youtookallthesticksout,andyourhairwas

curledupintightrings(withdryraggedyends).Iwouldstudythecurlsinthemirror,impressedwithboththeapplianceandmynewfoundabilitytouseit.

Then,withoutfail,atthelastsecondbeforeleavingforschool,Iwouldaskmyself,“AmIsupposedtobrushitoutorleaveit?”WhycouldIneverremember?Thatfeelingof“I’mprettysure

thisnextstepiswrong,butI’mjustgonnadoitanyway”ispartofthesamesetofinstinctsthatmakesmesuchagreatcook.

OnsomelevelIknewIwasn’tsupposedtobrushitout,butIcouldn’tstopmyself.

Myhand—grippingthebrushlikeitwasahandtransplantfromamurdererwhohated

beauty!—brushedthroughthecurls,turningthemintoagiantstatic-filledmess.Bytheendofhomeroomitwaspulledintoaponytail,whichreallyworksonme,sothereyouhaveit.

RightafterIgraduatedhighschoolIdecidedtocutmyhairoff.Thiswasmychancetoreinventmyselfbeforecollege.

Afteraharshdisagreementovertheideationalhollownessofsausagecurls,mymotherandIhadendedourartisticexperimentwiththeGordonPhillipsAcademy.Wewerenowgettingourhaircutbymyclassmate’smom,whowasalsoaprofessionalAnnJillianlook-alike.Yes,thefeelingyou’reexperiencingrightnowisjealousy.Thewholefamilywasglamorous

thatway.Ialwaysenviedtheirlivesbecausetheyseemedliketheywerelivinginasitcom.Theywereallblondandgood-looking.ThemomcuthairoutofherbasementsalonandAnnJillian–edpart-time.YoucouldsellthisshowtoCBSjustwiththat!Thedadranarestaurant.Theirunclewasourschool’s“cool”Englishteacher.TheoldestsonwasayoungBonJovitypewhowas

thestarofourhighschoolchoirandwentallthewaytoNewYorkonceaweekforprivatehard-rockvocalcoaching.Themiddlesonwasabrilliant,funny,cuddlygiantwhodrewsardoniccartoonsinthemarginsofthings,andthebabyofthefamilywastheJasonPriestley–leveladorablekidwho,clearly,theproducersofthefamilyhadaddedinthelastseasontoboostratings.I

mean,justlookingatthisfamily,youknewtheyweregoingtomakeittosyndication.

ItwasnaturalthatIwouldtrustMrs.Doyletotransformmeintomynewcollegeself.Iwantedtocutitalloff.Notthecoward’smove,notabob:thefullchoppery.Mrs.Doyleputmyhairintoathickponytail,cutthatponytailoff,andhandedittome.Istill

haveitsomewhereinacardboardboxinmyparents’house.Iknowbecausemymomhasbeenpolitelyaskingmeto“maybespendanhourgoingthroughthoseboxes”forovertwentyyearsnow.

Thehaircutwascroppedcloseonthesides,fullerontop,withtwolongLizaMinnelli–esquewispsthathungdownlikepeyes.Ilovedit.ThenIaskedwhetherwe

neededthewisps,butonceitwasexplainedtomethattheyweremandatory,Iwentbacktolovingit.

Nerdnomore,thisnewcutletpeopleseetherealmethatwasinside—amotheroffourwhowassomehowalsoavirgin.

9)WhenItComestoFashion,FindWhatWorksforYouandStickwithIt

Awisefriendoncetoldme,“Don’twearwhatfashiondesignerstellyoutowear.Wearwhattheywear.”Hispointbeingthatmostdesigners,nomatterwhattheythrowontotherunway,favorsimple,flatteringpiecesforthemselves.

Anyonewhohasnevermetmecantellyouthatfashionhasalwaysbeenveryveryveryveryveryveryvery

importanttome.Forexample,Ioncetoldmycousinthatmydreamwouldbe“ifthewholestoreExpresswasmycloset!”Howprescient,becausenow,ofcourse,IwearnothingbutExpress.

Itcan’tbesaidenough.Don’tconcernyourselfwithfashion;sticktosimplepiecesthatflatteryourbodytype.

Bynineteen,Ihadfoundmylook.OversizeT-shirts,bikeshorts,andwrestlingshoes.Topreventthesilhouettefrombeingtoobaggy,Iwouldcinchitatthewaistwithmyfannypack.IwasprettysureIwouldwearthislookforever.Theshirtsallowedmetoexpressmyselfwithcoolsayingslike“There’sNoCryinginBaseball”and“UniversitätHeidelberg,”thebikeshorts

showedoffmymuscularlegs,andthefannypackheldallmytrolleytokens.Iwasnailingitonadailybasis.Findsomethinglikethisforyourselfassoonaspossible.

10)AManicureIsaMust

OnceImovedtoNewYorkin1997,IdiscoveredthejoysofthequickieKoreanmanicure.Thecityisfilledwithtinystorefrontnail

salonswhereyoucangetamanicure-pedicure,anunderarmwax,andaten-minuteseriesofpunchesintheback,allforunderahundreddollars.Thefirstfewtimesyougo,itcanbeintimidating.Forstarters,youmayforgetthatyouyourselfspeakEnglish.Youenter,smile,andnodatthemanager.“Manicure-pedicure?”“Pickcolor,”shechirpsbackinherKorean

accent.Youpickoutacoupleofthethreehundredshadesofoff-white.“Thisformanicure.Thisfeet.Magazineokay?”Whyareyoutalkinglikethat?Nowthatyou’veraciallyembarrassedyourself,youarereadytosqueezeintoaseatatatinytableandbasicallyholdhandswithastrangerfortwentyminutes.Thatreallyisthecraziestthingthefirstfewtimesyougo,gettingusedtopassivelyfloppingyourhands

intoanotherwoman’shands.It’slikesomethingthey’dmakeyoudoatsummercampasatrust-buildingexercise,Iassume.Ineverwenttosummercamp,asIwasneitherunderprivilegednorJewishnorextremelyChristian,norobese.(ItwouldbeagreatexerciseforsomeonewhothinkstheywanttomovetoNewYork.Sitinanenclosedspacefulloffumesandholdhandswith

astrangerfortwentyminuteswhileeveryonearoundyouspeaksalanguageyoudon’tunderstand.Ifyouenjoythis,youwillenjoythe6train.)

Totakeyourmindoffhowweirditistohavesomeoneelsecleanyourfingers,thereisaseriesoftheatricalperformancesallaroundyou.ToyourrightyoumightfindaNewYorkerspeakinganimatedlyaboutan

apartmentshehasseen.“Itwassick.Youdon’tevenknow.Marbleslabs.”ThemoreNewYorkerslikesomething,themoredisgustedtheyare.“ThekitchenwasallSub-Zero:Iwanttokillmyself.Thebuildinghasaplayroomthatmakesyouwanttobreakyourownjawwithagolfclub.Ican’ttakeit.”Toyourleftmaysitanolderwomaneatingcashewswithonehand

whiletalkingonthephonewiththeotherwhilestillreceivingamanicureandoversharing.“Iknow.Iwascryingaboutitonthetoiletthismorning—*tomanicurist+don’tcutthecuticles,please.”Asyoulistencloser,youwillsuspectthatsheisparticipatinginapaidtherapysessionoverthephone.“Well,youknow,it’saboutsettingboundaries.Hehastobetold,‘Ifwe’regonna

havetheseconversationsitshouldn’tbewhenoneofusisdrunkandtheotheroneishangingupsidedowninthegravityboots.’”Asyoulistenlonger,you’renotsureifshe’sthepatientorthetherapist.“DoIthinkit’sgoodthatyou’reangry?WhywouldIthinkit’sgoodthatyou’reangry?”ThereareneverfewerthaneightTraceyUllmancharactersinanyNYCnailsalonatanygiven

time.

Ifallthisbecomestoomuchforyou,justlookupandfocusontheposterofahandwithlongrednailsholdingaviolinincorrectly.

Beforeyouknowit,yourmanicureisdoneandlookinggreat.Yourfingernailslookhealthyandfresh,andtheshinyvarnishwillhelphidethelittleparticlesofgarbage

andhumanfecesthatallcitydwellersareslightlycoveredin!

11)AgingNaturallyWithoutLookingLikeTime-LapsePhotographyofa

RottingSparrow

Atacertainpointyourbodywantstobedisgusting.Whileyourteensandtwentieswereaboutidentifyingand

emphasizingyour“bestfeatures,”yourlatethirtiesandfortiesareaboutfightingbackdecay.Youpluckyourpatchybearddaily.Yourbigtoemaystarttoturnjauntilyinward.Overnightyoumaygrowonelongstraightwhitepubichair.Notthatthishashappenedtome,ofcourse,becauseeverysixmonthsIgetaveryexpensiveJapanesetreatmentthatturnsmypubichairclearlikericenoodles.

Weallmentallyprepareourselvesforwrinkles,butwrinklesarenottheproblem.It’stheunexpectedgrosseries.

Forexample,yourmouth.DearGod,yourmouth.Nomatterhowdiligentyouareaboutbrushingandflossing—whichisneverdiligentenoughforthatshow-offdentalhygienistofyours—atsomepointyoustartwaking

upeverydaywithamouththatsmellslikeasnailleftinthesun.Youcanfixitassoonasyougetup—youbrushandusemouthwash—butthere’ssomethingaboutknowingyouwokeupwithhot-mothballmouththatmakesyoufeelold.

IthinkGoddesignedourmouthstodiefirsttohelpusslowlytransitiontothegrave.ButIamabigbelieverin

“IntelligentDesign,”andbythatImeanIloveIKEA!

12)TheMostImportantRuleofBeauty

Ifyouretainnothingelse,alwaysrememberthemostimportantRuleofBeauty.“Whocares?”

RemembrancesofBeingVeryVerySkinny

Forabrieftimeattheturnofthecentury,Iwasveryskinny.ThisiswhatIrememberaboutthatperiod.

Iwascoldallthetime.

Ihadapairofsize-fourcorduroyshortshorts.ThatIwore.Towork.InthemiddleofManhattan.

IloveditwhenpeopletoldmeIwasgettingtoothin.

Ioncetookabagofslicedredpepperstothebeachasasnack.

IregularlyatehealthfoodcookiessodisgustingthatwhenIenthusiasticallygaveonetoRachelDratchshedrewapictureofarabbitandbrokethecookieintoatrailoftinypiecescomingoutoftherabbit’sbutt.

MenIhadmetbefore

suddenlypaidattentiontome…andIhatedthemforit.

SometimesIhadtosleepwithapillowbetweenmylegsbecausemybonykneesclankingtogetherkeptmeawake.

IhadalotoftimeonmyhandsbecauseIwasn’tconstantlyeating.

Iranthreemilesadayona

treadmillsixdaysaweek.

Ifeltwonderfullysuperiortoeveryone.

Ididn’thaveakidyet.

Weshouldleavepeoplealoneabouttheirweight.Beingskinnyforawhile(providedyouactuallyeatfoodanddon’ttakepillsorsmoketogetthere)isaperfectlyfinepastime.Everyoneshouldtry

itonce,likeasuper-shorthaircutordatingawhiteguy.

RemembrancesofBeingaLittleBitFat

ForabrieftimeattheendofthatlastcenturyIwasoverweight.ThisiswhatIrememberaboutthatperiod.

Myboobswerebigger.

Ionceleftarestaurantinthe

middleofdesserttogettoKrispyKremebeforeitclosed.

EventhoughIonlylikedMcDonald’sfries,Ibelieveditwasmorenutritioustomakeamealofitandhavetwocheeseburgersaswell.

IfIwasreallyambitious,IwouldgetaWhopperJr.atBurgerKingandthenwalktoMcDonald’stogetthefries.

Theshakecouldbefromanywhere.

Icouldnotrunamile.

Iworeoversizemen’soverallsthatIloved.

Guyswhowerefriendswithmedidnotwanttodateme…andIhatedthemforit.

Onatleastthreeoccasions,IvomitedonChristmasEve

frommixingchocolate,peel-and-eatshrimp,summersausage,andcheese.Noalcoholwasinvolved.

Asasizetwelve,ItookprideintheideathatIwas“realwoman”–sized.“Sizetwelveisthenationalaverage,”Iwouldboast,“nomatterwhatmagazinestrytotellyou.”

Once,whileironinginmyunderwear,Igrazedmy

protrudingbellywiththehotiron.

Weshouldleavepeoplealoneabouttheirweight.Beingchubbyforawhile(providedyoudon’tgiveyourselfdiabetes)isanaturalphaseoflifeandnothingtobeashamedof.LikepubertyorslowlyturningintoaRepublican.

AChildhoodDream,

Realized

(NottheOneWhereI’mBeingChasedbyCountChocula)

In1997IflewtoNewYorkfromChicagotointerviewforawritingpositionatSaturdayNightLive.ItseemedpromisingbecauseI’dheardtheshowwaslookingtodiversify.Onlyincomedy,bytheway,doesanobedient

whitegirlfromthesuburbscountasdiversity.IcameformyjobinterviewintheonlydecentclothesIhad—my“showclothes”fromTheSecondCity.BlackpantsandalavenderchenillesweaterfromContempoCasuals.IwenttothesecurityguardattheelevatorandIheardmyselfsay,

“I’mheretoseeLorneMichaels.”Icouldn’tbelieve

thewordsthatwerecomingoutofmymouth.“I’mheretoseeLorneMichaels.”Iwaslivingoneofmydreams.Thismustbehowpeoplefeelwhentheyreallydogotoschoolnakedbyaccident.

Iwentuptotheseventeenth-flooroffices,whichwerelinedwitharchivalphotosfromtheshow—JaneCurtinrippinghershirtopenonWeekendUpdate,Gilda

RadnerandCandiceBergeninaBeachBlanketBingosketch,AlFranken’sheadshot!ThenIsatonacouchandwaitedformymeetingwithLorne.Aboutanhourintothewait,theassistantsstartedmakingpopcorninamovietheaterpopcornmachine—somethingIwouldlaterlearnsignaledLorne’simminentarrival.Tothisdaythesmelloffreshpopcorncausesmetoexperience

stress,hunger,andsketchideasforJohnGoodman.

TheonlyadviceanyonehadgivenmeaboutmeetingwithLornewas“Whateveryoudo,don’tfinishhissentences.”AChicagoactressIknewhadapparentlymadethatmistakeandshebelieveditcostherthejob.WhenIwaseventuallyusheredintohisoffice,Isatdown,determinednottoblowit.

Lornesaid,“Soyou’refrom…”

Itseemedtohangthereforever.Whywasn’thefinishingthequestion?IfIanswerednow,wouldthiscountasmytalkingoverhim?Icouldn’trememberhownormalhumanspeechpatternsworked.Anotherfivesecondswentby,andstillnomoresentencefromLorne.Oh,God.WhenIflewback

toChicagothenextdaytheyweregoingtosay,“HowwasyourmeetingwithLorneMichaels?”AndIwouldreply,“Hesaid‘Soyou’refrom’andthenwesatthereforanhourandthenagirlcameinandaskedmetoleave.”

Afterwhatwasprobably,realistically,tenseconds,Icouldn’ttakeitanymoreandIblurtedout,

“Pennsylvania.I’mfromPennsylvania,asuburbofPhiladelphia,”justasLornefinallyfinishedhisthought,“Chicago.”IwassureIhadblownit.Idon’trememberanythingelsethathappenedinthemeetingbecauseIjustkeptstaringatthenameplateonhisdeskthatsaid“LorneMichaels”andthinking,“ThisistheguywiththeBeatlescheck!”Icouldn’tbelieveIwasinhisoffice.I

couldhaveneverguessedthatinafewyearsI’dbesittinginthatofficeattwo,three,fourinthemorning,thinking,“Ifthismeetingdoesn’tendsoon,I’mgoingtokillthisCanadianbastard.”Somehow,Ihadgottenthejob.

DuringmynineyearsatSaturdayNightLive,myrelationshipwithLornetransitionedfrom

“TerrifiedPupilandReluctantTeacher”to“Small-TownGirlandStreetwiseMadamShowingHertheRopes”to“AnnieandDaddyWarbucks(touringcompany)”tooneofmutualrespectandfriendship.

Thenittransitionedto“SullenTeenageGirlandGenerousStepfather,”thento“Mr.andMrs.MichaelJackson,”then,forabrief

period,to“BoyWhoDoesn’tBelieveinChristmasandRecluseNeighborWhoProvesthatMiraclesArePossible,”thenbacktomutualrespectandfriendshipagain.

I’velearnedmanythingsfromLorne,inparticularamanagerialstylethatwastheoppositeofBossypants.

ThingsILearnedfrom

LorneMichaels

1)“Producingisaboutdiscouragingcreativity.”

ATVshowcomprisesmanydepartments—Costumes,Props,Talent,Graphics,SetDressing,Transportation.Everyoneineverydepartmentwantstoshowofftheirskillsandcontributecreativelytotheshow,whichisablessing.You’regratefultoworkwith

peoplewhoaretalentedandenthusiasticabouttheirjobs.Youwouldthinkthatasaproducer,yourjobwouldbetochurnupcreativity,butmostlyyourjobistopoliceenthusiasm.YoumayhaveanoccasionwherethescriptcallsforabranmuffinonawhiteplateandthePropsDepartmentshowsupwithabrancakeintheshapeofSantaClaussittingonasilverplatterthatsays“Welcometo

Denmark.”“Wejustthoughtitwouldbefunny.”

AndyouhavetofindapolitewaytoexplainthatthecharacterisJewish,sohereatingSanta’sfacemighthavenegativeconnotations,andthesilvertray,whilebeautiful,isgivingaweirdglareoncameraandmaybelet’sgowiththebranmuffinonthewhiteplate.

AndthensometimesActorshavewhattheycall“ideas.”Usuallyitinvolvesthemtalkingmore,or,inthecaseofmoreexperiencedactors,sittingmore.WhenActorshaveideasit’sveryimportanttogettothecorereasonbehindtheiridea.

Istheresomethingyou’reaskingthemtodothat’smakingthemuncomfortable?Aretheybeingaskedtobare

theirmidrifformakeoutwithaDickCheneylook-alike?(Fortherecord,Ihaveaskedactorstodoboth,andtheywerecompletelygame.)Ratherthansay,“I’muncomfortablebreast-feedingagrownmanwhoIjustmettoday,”theactormayspeakincodeandsaysomethinglike“Idon’tthinkmycharacterwoulddothat.”Or“I’vehurtmybackandI’mnotcomingoutofmy

dressingroom.”Youhavetorememberthatactorsarehumanbeings.Whichishardsometimesbecausetheylooksomuchbetterthanhumanbeings.Istheresomeoneintheroomtheactoristryingtoimpress?Thisisabigoneandshouldnotbeoverlooked.Ifamaleactorisgivingyouahardtimeaboutsomething,youmustimmediatelyscantheareaforprettyinterns.

2)“Theshowdoesn’tgoonbecauseit’sready;itgoesonbecauseit’s11:30.”

ThisissomethingLornehassaidoftenaboutSaturdayNightLive,butIthinkit’sagreatlessonaboutnotbeingtoopreciousaboutyourwriting.Youhavetotryyourhardesttobeatthetopofyourgameandimproveeveryjokeyoucanuntilthelastpossiblesecond,andthenyou

havetoletitgo.

Youcan’tbethatkidstandingatthetopofthewaterslide,overthinkingit.Youhavetogodownthechute.(AndI’mfromagenerationwherealotofpeoplediedonwaterslides,sothiswasanimportantlessonformetolearn.)Youhavetoletpeopleseewhatyouwrote.Itwillneverbeperfect,butperfectisoverrated.Perfectisboring

onliveTV.

WhatIlearnedabout“bombing”asanimproviseratSecondCitywasthatbombingispainful,butitdoesn’tkillyou.Nomatterhowbadlyanimprovsetgoes,youwillstillbephysicallyalivewhenit’sover.WhatIlearnedaboutbombingasawriteratSaturdayNightisthatyoucan’tbetooworriedabout

your“permanentrecord.”Yes,you’regoingtowritesomesketchesthatyouloveandareproudofforever—yourgoldennuggets.Butyou’realsogoingtowritesomerealshitnuggets.Andunfortunately,sometimestheshitnuggetswillmakeitontotheair.Youcan’tworryaboutit.Aslongasyouknowthedifference,youcangobacktopanningforgoldonMonday.

That’swhatwassogreataboutWillFerrell.Hewoulddosketchesthatwereabsolutelyhisvoiceandwhat(Iassume)helovedmost—BillBrasky,RobertGoulet,andCowbell—buthewouldcommitjustasfullytotap-dancingnexttoKatieHolmesinthemonologue.He’stheMichaelCaineofsketchcomedy.

Hecouldbeinsomething

awfulanditwouldneversticktohim.

3)Whenhiring,mixHarvardNerdswithChicagoImprovisersandstir.

ThewritingstaffofSaturdayNightLivehasalwaysbeenamixofhyperintelligentHarvardBoys*

(JimDowney,AlFranken,ConanO’Brien)andgifted,

visceral,funperformers(JohnBelushi,GildaRadner,JanHooks,HoratioSanz,BillMurray,MayaRudolph).Lornesomehowknewthattoomanyofoneortheotherwouldknocktheshowoutofbalance.Togeneralizewithabandon,ifyouhadnothingbutHarvardguys,thewholeshowwouldbecommercialparodiesaboutpeoplewearingbarrelsafterthe1929stockmarketcrash.

“Flendersen’sPovertyBarrels,ReplacingClothesDespiteBeingMoreExpensivesince…RightNow.FormerlyknownasFlendersen’sPicklesandSuspenders:ASemioticExegesisofJazzAgeExcessandtheFailingsoftheShermanAntitrustAct.”

Ifyouhadnothingbutimprovisers,thewholeshowwouldbelouddragcharacters

namedVickiandStaciscreamingtheircatchphraseoverandover,“YOUKISSYOURMUTHAWITHTHATFACE?”

HarvardBoysandImprovPeoplethinkdifferentlybecausetheircomedyupbringingissodifferent.Ifyou’reattheHarvardLampoon,sittinginacastlewithyourfriends,youcanperfectapieceofwritingto

beexactlywhatyouwantandyoucanavoidthefeelingofred-hotflopsweat.Especiallybecauseyouwon’tevenbetherewhensomeonereadsit.Butwhenyou’reimprovisingeightshowsaweekinfrontofdrunkmeat-eatingChicagoans,youwillexperiencehighsandlows.Youwillbeheckled,or,worse,youwillhearyourownheartbeatovertheaudience’ssilence.Youwill

bebombingsohardthatyouwillbeabletohearaladyinthebackputherguminanapkin.YoumayhaveapointtomakeaboutthehealthcaresysteminAmerica,butyou’llfindoutthatyouneedtopresentthatideathroughalegallyblindbusdrivercharacterorasanexoticdancerwhoseboobsarerunningformayor.(Iwouldliketoseethatsketch,actually.)Ultimately,youwill

dowhateverittakestowinthataudienceover.

HarvardIsClassicalMilitaryTheory,ImprovIsVietnam.

ThisisalltomakethecasethatHarvardboysandSecondCity/Groundlingspeoplemakebeautifulcomedymarriages.TheHarvardguyskeeptheImprovisersfromwallowinginschmaltz.(SteveHigginsusedtojoke

thateverySecondCitysketchendedwithsentimentalmusicandsomeonesaying,“Iloveyou,Dad.”)

TheHarvardguyscheckthelogicandconstructionofeveryjoke,andtheImprovisersteachthemhowtobehuman.It’sSpockandKirk.(Iguessifyouwanttotieallmymetaphorstogether,itwouldbeSpockwearingabaldricandstayingupall

nighttowriteatalkshowsketchwithamentallyravagedRamboKirk.)

ItriedtoapplyLorne’slessonwhenstaffing30Rock,andithasworkedwellsofar.OurcurrentstaffmakeupisfourHarvardnerds,fourPerformer-turned-writers,tworegularnerds,andtwodirtbags.

4)“Televisionisavisual

medium.”

Lornehassaidthistomealot.Itbasicallymeans“Gotobed.Youlooktired.”Youmaywanttobediligentandstayupwiththewritersallnight,butifyou’regoingtobeontheshow,youcan’t.Your

“streetcred”withthestaffwon’thelpanybodyifyoulooklikeacadaveron

camera.Also,don’tbeafraidtomakethemgetyourhair,makeup,andlightingright.It’snotvanity,becauseifyoulookweird,itwilldistractfromwhatyou’retryingtodo.Ifyoulookasgoodasyoucan,peoplewillbeabletopayattentiontowhatyou’reactuallysaying.

5)“Don’tmakeanybigdecisionsrightaftertheseasonends.”

Thisisthesameadvicetheygivepeoplewho’vejustcomeoutofrehab.Afteragruelingperiodofwork(orwhatpassesforgruelingworkinoursoft-handedworld)youwillcravesomekindofreward.

Don’tletthiscauseyoutorushintoabigdecision,likeanewhouseoramarriageorpartialownershipofaminorleaguebaseballteam,thatyou

maylaterregret.Theinterestingthingaboutthispieceofadviceisthatnooneevertakesit.

6)“Nevercuttoacloseddoor.”

LornesighedthisonceinexasperationoversomesketchIcan’tremember.Thedirectorhadcuttoadooramomenttooearly,beforetheactorentered,andLornefelt

we“losttheaudience”inthatmoment.Thiscanmeanalotofthings:Comedyisaboutconfidence,andthemomentanaudiencesensesaslipinconfidence,they’renervousforyouandtheycan’tlaugh.Lornewouldhavepreferredthatthecameracutfollowthesoundoftheactorknockingonthedoor.Whichistosaythatthesketchshouldleadthecuttingpattern,whichistosaycontentshoulddictate

style,whichistosaythatinTV

thewriterisking.

Initsmostextrapolatedversion,Ithink“Nevercuttoacloseddoor”means“Don’tforgetaboutshowmanship.”Maketheentrancewell-timedandexciting.MakethesetlookprettyatChristmastime.

Addsomedancers!There’s

noharminthingslookingfun,andyoudon’tgetextracreditforkeepingthingsindieandgrim.

Or—andthisisadistinctpossibility—itdoesn’tmeananythingandhewasjustinagrouchymood.

7)“Don’thireanyoneyouwouldn’twanttorunintointhehallwayatthreein

themorning.”

Thisoneisincrediblyhelpful.Weworklonghoursattheseshows,andnomatterhowfunnysomeone’swritingsampleis,iftheyaretootalkativeorneedyorangrytodealwithinthemiddleofthenightbytheprinter,steerclear.ThatmustbehowIgotthroughthatfirstjobinterview.Iwasnotdynamic,butatleastIwasn’tnuts.

8)Nevertellacrazypersonhe’scrazy.

Whileneverstatedovertly,thisseemstobeLorne’spractice.ThereweremanytimesinmynineyearsattheshowwhenIcouldn’tunderstandwhyLornewouldn’tjusttellpeopleto“knockitoff.”

Eccentricwriterswouldturninsketchesthatwere

seventeenminuteslong;immatureperformerstriedfitsandtearswhentheirsketchwaslaterintheshowthanthey’dlike.Myeveryterribleinstinctwouldhavebeentopulltheseculpritsasideandscoldthemlikeaschoolmarm.“Pleaseexplaintomewhyyoursketchshouldgettobethreetimeslongerthaneveryoneelse’s.Whywon’tyoutaketheperfectlyreasonablecutsIsuggested?”

“Howdareyoupitchafitaboutwhattimeyoursketchison?Somepeopledidn’tgettobeintheshowatall.Doyouthinkyou’reworkingharderthaneveryoneelse?We’reallworkinghard!”ButthereisnotonemanagementcourseintheworldwheretheyrecommendSelf-Righteousnessasatool.

Lornehasanindirectandveryeffectivewayofdealing

withthecrazies.ItisbestdescribedbytheoldjokethatmostpeopleknowfromAnnieHall.Amangoestoapsychiatristandsays,“Mybrother’sgonecrazy.Hethinkshe’sachicken.”Andthepsychiatristsays,“Haveyoutoldhimhe’snotachicken?”Themanreplies,“Iwould,butweneedtheeggs.”Lorneknowsthatthemostexhaustingpeopleoccasionallyturnoutthebest

stuff.HowdoIexplainthepresenceofcrazypeopleonthestaffifwe’refollowingRule#7?Easily:Thesecrazypeoplearecharmingandbrilliantandgreatfuntoseeatthreeinthemorning.Also,somepeoplearriveattheshowsaneandtheshowturnsthemcrazy.

Infairnesstoothers,Iwillusemyselfasanexample.InOctober2001,Manhattanwas

atenseplacetowork.ButweallcontinuedtoworkbecauseitseemedliketheChurchillianthingtodo.OneFridaymorningIwassittinginmytinydressingroomat30RockefellerPlaza,tryingtowritejokesforWeekendUpdate.Iwasreadingathickpacketofnewspaperclippings,lookingforsomethingfuntosayaboutAfghanistan,theTaliban,SaddamHussein,theanthrax

postaldeaths:Itwasgrim.Then,ontheTV

hanginginthecorner,LesterHoltcameonMSNBCandsaid,“Breakingnews.Anthraxhasbeenfoundat30RockefellerPlaza.CDCofficialsareinvestigatingthepotentiallydeadlysubstance,whichwasfoundinasuspiciouspackageaddressedtoNBCNightlyNewsanchorTomBrokawandmailedto

hisofficesin30

RockefellerPlaza.”IfyouhavedecentreadingcomprehensionskillsyouwillrememberfromthebeginningofthisparagraphthatI,too,wasat30RockefellerAnthraxPlaza.Not45RockefellerPlaza.

Not1661SixthAvenue.30RockefellerPlaza.“Nope,”Ithought.“Igiveup.”Iputon

mycoat,walkeddownstairspastmyfriendsandcoworkerswithoutsayinganything.Iwalkedrightpastthehostforthatweek,sweetDrewBarrymore,withouttellingherwhatIhadheard.Ijustwenttotheelevatorandleft.IwalkedupSixthAvenuetoCentralParkWest.IwalkedupCentralParkWestto96thStreetandacross96thStreettomyapartmentonWestEnd

Avenue,whereIwouldwaittodie.

Severalhourslater,Lornecalledandsaidgently,“We’reallhere.YouandDrewaretheonlyoneswholeft…andDrewcamebackafewhoursago,so…We’reorderingdinner,ifyouwanttocomebackin.”Itwasthemostgentle,non-Bossypantswayofsaying“You’reembarrassingyourself.”Igot

backtoworkthateveningjustintimetofindeveryoneassembledonthestudiofloor.AndyLack,theheadofNBCNews,wasaddressingthecrewinanemergencybriefing.Onceagain,nothingiscreepierthanabunchofadultsbeingveryquiet.Mr.Lackexplainedthattheenvelopewasfoundinthethird-floorNBCNewsoffices,sotheCDCwouldbe“swabbing”workersfromthe

secondfloortothesixthfloor,justtobesafe.(Rememberallthosefuncatchphrasesfrom2001?“Swabbing,”“Cutaneous,”

“Cipro,”“IamZoolander.”)Someofourcameraguyswereiratethatweontheeighthfloorwouldnotbeswabbed.TheyoccasionallyfilledindowninNews.Thediscussiongotheated.AsIwatchedfromtheaudience

balcony,Irememberfeelingtremendousaffectionforeveryonethere.Ifeltlikewewereafamilyandthatifwehadtogo,atleastwe’dallgotogether.IguessIforgotthatjustafewhoursearlierIhadbookeditoutofthere,leavingthemalltodie.IhaveauniquelyGermancapacitytovacillatebetweensentimentalityandcoldness.

Thepointis,Lornedidnotdo

whatIwouldhavedone,whichistosay,“You’rebeingcrazy.Getbackinhere.Everyoneelseishere.Doyouthinkyou’remoreimportantthaneverybodyelse?”Healsodidn’tcoddleme,whichiswhatIwouldhavedoneifIweretryingtoovercompensateformynaturalsternness.“Areyouokay?Ifyouneedtotakeacoupledaysoff,I’msurewecanmanage,blah,blah,

blah.”

Instead,hefoundawayformetoslipbackinthedoorlikemymentalbreakdownneverhappened.“We’reorderingdinner.Whatdoyouwant?”

Heknewhowtogettheeggs.

PeeinginJarswithBoys

Myfirstshowasawriterat

SaturdayNightLivewasSeptember27,1997.ThehostwasSylvesterStallone.ItwasthefirsttimeIhadeverseenarealmoviestarupclose.Realmoviestarsdolookdifferentfromregularpeople.Theyareoftenalittlesmallerandusuallyhavenicerteeth,shoes,andwatchesthananyoneelseintheroom.Mr.Stallonesmokedacigarduringthehostmeeting,whichwasprettybadass.I

don’trememberwhatsketchideasIpitchedinthatfirstmeeting,butIknowthatonthatfirstwritingnight,Icompletelyfrozeup.IsatatmycomputerfromoneP.M.TuesdayafternoonuntilnineA.M.Wednesdaymorningandnothingcameout.Iwasn’tusedtosittingbymyselfandwriting.I’dbeenimprovisingwithfiveotherpeopleeverynightfortwoyears.Iendedupsubmitting

anoldsketchthatIhadwrittenaspartofmyjobapplication.

Needlesstosay,mysketchdidn’tgetpickedfortheshow,butIwasassignedtohelp“cover”asketchthatCheriOterihadwrittenwithanotherwriter.Writersareoftenassignedtohelpproducesketchesthattheperformerswrite.IfollowedCheriandwriterScottWainio

aroundthroughrehearsal,occasionallypitchingjokesforthesketchthatwere(rightfully)ignored.Duringthedressrehearsal,Lornegaveusthenotethathecouldn’tunderstandStalloneinthesketchandweshouldaskhimtoenunciatemore.Istoodnervouslyoutsidethehost’sdressingroomwithScottWainio.Hehadbeenthereayearalready,soIfiguredhe’dknowwhatto

do.Scott’sexperiencelevelwasevidentwhenhelookedatmeandshrugged.“Youtellhim.”

MytrademarkobediencekickedinandIfoundmyselfknockingonthedoorandbeingusheredin.JudgeDreddhimselfwasonthecouchinanundershirt,smokinganothercigar.Helookedupatme.Imuttered,“IntheRitasketch,youwere

alittlehardtounderstand.Canyoujustenunciatealittlemore?”Stallonewasunfazed.“Youcannunnastanme?Youneemenanaunciatemaw?Okay.”Hecouldn’thavebeenmoreeasygoingaboutit.Myguessisthatthiswasnotthefirsttimeinhiscareerhehadbeengiventhatnote.Iwentbackoutsideandmanuallyreleasedmybuttcheeks.OvertheyearsIcametorealizethatthemoviestar

hostsoftheshowwerejustpeoplewhowantedtodoagoodjoband(withtheexceptionofaverysmallhandfulofd-bags)wereeagerforanyguidance.Whowerethed-bags,youask?Icouldn’tpossiblytellyou.Butifyouwanttofigureitout,here’saclue:Thelettersfromtheirnamesaresprinkledrandomlythroughthischapter.

TheonlyotherthingIrememberabouttheSylvesterStalloneshowwasthattheydidaRocky-themedmonologueandtheyneededsomeonetoplayRocky’swife,Adrian.Cherireallywantedthepart—shewaslittle,shewasfromPhilly,shecoulddoagoodimitationofTaliaShire—butinstead,somebodythoughtitwouldbefunniertoputChrisKattaninadress.Iremember

thinkingthatwaskindofbullshit.

Iwasn’tprivytothedecision-makingprocessatthetime;itwasmyfirstweek,afterall.WhenIremindedproducerSteveHigginsofitrecently,he(understandably)couldn’trememberwhoseideaitwas,andthoughtthatitmighthaveevenbeenSylvesterStallone’s.NooffensetoKattan,whomIlove,or

SylvesterStallone,butIthinkCheriwouldhavebeenfunnierasAdrian.Now,ananecdoteaboutsomebodyattheshowbeingfrustratedandfeelingcheatedishardlyworthmentioning.Ithappenstoeveryone,maleorfemale,atsomepointeveryweek.SaturdayNightLiverunsonacombustionengineofambitionanddisappointment.

ButItellthisspecifictaleof

CheribeingpassedoverforKattan-in-dragbecauseitillustrateshowthingswerethefirstweekIwasthere.BythetimeIleftnineyearslater,thatwouldneverhavehappened.NobodywouldhavethoughtforasecondthatadudeindragwouldbefunnierthanAmy,Maya,orKristen.Thewomeninthecasttookovertheshowinthatdecade,andIhadthepleasureofbeingthereto

witnessit.

AFAQ(FreakingAlways-askedQuestion)

Peopleoftenaskmeaboutthedifferencebetweenmaleandfemalecomedians.Domenandwomenfinddifferentthingsfunny?Iusuallyattemptananswerthatissodiplomaticandboringthatthepersonwilljustwalkaway.Somethinglike“There’sa

tremendousamountofoverlapinwhatmenandwomenthinkisfunny.AndIhatetogeneralize,butIwouldsayatthefarendsofthespectrum,menmayprefervisceral,absurdelementslikesharksandrobots,whilewomenaremoredrawntocharacter-basedjokesandverbalidiosyncrasies….”Haveyouwalkedawayyet?

Here’sthetruth.Thereisan

actualdifferencebetweenmaleandfemalecomedywriters,andI’mgoingtorevealitnow.Themenurinateincups.Andsometimesjars.OneofthefirsttimesIwalkedintomyoldbossSteveHiggins’soffice,hewaseatinganappleandsmokingacigaretteatthesametime.

(WhenIstartedatSNL,youcouldstillsmokeinanoffice

building.Imightnotbeyoung.)Ihadonlybeenthereafewweeks,andStevehadbeenveryencouragingandsupportive.Iforgetwhatweweretalkingabout,butIwenttogetareferencebookoffahighshelfinSteve’soffice.Ireachedtomovethepapercupthatwasinfrontofit,andHigginsjumpedup.“Don’ttouchthat.Hangon.”Hegrabbedthecupandacoupleotherslikeitaroundtheoffice

andtookthemoutoftheroomtodumpthem.

“Ohyeah,that’speeinthosecups,”myfriendPaulalaterinformedme.Icouldnotbelieveit.IhadcomefromTheSecondCity,whichwasbynomeansclean—itwouldnotbeunheard-oftoseearatgivingbirthinanoverstuffedashtray,forexample.ButIhadneverheardofanyonepeeinginacupexceptata

doctor’soffice.Maybeyou’ddoitonaroadtripifitwastoofarbetweenreststops.Ihaddefinitelyneverheardofanyonepeeinginacupandleavingitintheirownofficeonabookshelftoevaporateandbeabsorbedbackintotheirbodythroughtheporesontheirface.

ItoldanothermalecoworkeraboutwhatIhadseen.Wasitnotthegrossestthinghehad

everheard?Heansweredmatter-of-factlythatheoccasionallydidit,too.Notallthetime.Hesaiditwasjustsomethingguysdidwhentheyweretoolazytogotothebathroom.Thebathroom,Ishouldpointout,wasaboutasfarawayasyouarefromthisbook.IstartedtofeellikeIwasfromspace.

IcalledJeffbackinChicago.“Yougrewupwayoutinthe

countrywithabunchofbrothers.Didyoueverpeeincupsand,like,leavethemaround?”Jeffwasincredulous.“What?No!That’sdisgusting.”

OnethousandpointsforJeff.

OnceIwasawareofthispractice,Istartednoticingthecupsinotherplaces.IntheWeekendUpdateoffices—whichwerelikethesmarter-

but-meanerolderbrotheroftheregularwriters’

offices—thereweren’tanycups.Therewasajar.*Itwasajarofpisswithalidonit,andjudgingbyitsconsistency,Isuspecttheysometimesspatintothepiss.Orthatoneofthemwasterriblyill.Youcouldseeitwhenyoucameinthedoor,backlitbytheafternoonsun,andatfirstitseemedtome

likealittletest.Ifyousawthepissjaranddaredtoignoreitandcontinueintotheroom,youwerewelcomed.

Welcomedistoostrongaword.Youwere…oneoftheguys?Nope,youknowwhat?ThemoreIthinkaboutit,I’mjustprojecting.Itcouldn’thavebeenatest,becausetheyreallydidn’tgiveafuckwhetheryoucameintheroomornot.

Andno,notallofthemenwhizzedincups.Butfourorfiveofthemoutoftwentydid,sothemenhavetoownthatone.Anytimethere’sabadfemalestand-upsomewhere,somedickheadInterbloggerwilldeducethat“womenaren’tfunny.”Usingthatsamemath,Icanstate:Malecomedywriterspissincups.

Also,theyliketopretendto

rapeeachother.It’s…Don’tworryaboutit.It’sharmless,actually.

So,tosumupmyroom-clearinggeneralizations,menareincomedytobreakrules.Conversely,thewomenIknowincomedyareallgooddaughters,goodcitizens,mild-manneredcollegegraduates.

Maybewewomengravitate

towardcomedybecauseitisasociallyacceptablewaytobreakrulesandareleasefromourdailylife.Haveyouleftmeforthecheesetrayyet?

KotexClassic

ThisisthestoryofmyproudestmomentasoneoftheheadwritersofSNL.

Atthebeginningofeachseason,thestaffwouldwrite

commercialparodies—thefakecommercialsyouhaveenjoyedoverthepastthirty-fiveyears,suchasSchmitt’sGayandColonBlow.IwishIwroteeitherofthose,butIdidn’t.(IdidwriteMomJeans,Annuale,andExcedrinforRacialTensionHeadaches,ifthathelps.)

Eachwriterwouldsubmittwoorthreescripts,andtheproducersandheadwriters

pickedwhichcommercialswouldbeshot.Wetriedtochoosecarefullybecauseunlikethelivesketches,thesecommercialswereshotonfilm(inthedaysbeforeHDvideo)andcouldcostupto$100,000.Itwasabigdealtogetyourcommercialparodymadebecausetheywerepermanent.Theycouldrepeatforever.

Onceagain,thiswasinthe

daysbeforeYouTube,sorerunsweremeaningful,andprofitable.

InanormalSNLshowweek,everysketchisreadaloudbythecastata“tableread”infrontofthewholestaff.Theroomispackedwithallthewriters,designers,stagemanagers,musicians,etc.,soyouhaveanicebigaudience.Everyonecanhearwheretherearelaughsandeveryone

hasasenseofwhichsketchescouldwork.Thecommercialparodiesdidn’tgetthattreatment,andchoosingwhichonestoproducealwaysbroughtouttheworstineveryone.

IwouldreadthepacketoffortyscriptsandpicktheonesIliked.DennisMcNicholas,theotherheadwriter,wouldpicktheonesheliked.Notsurprisingly,weeachstrongly

preferredtheonesourfriendswrote.(Therewasanunspokenrulethatyouneverpushedforyourownpiece,ever.)Thenwewouldeachprivatelycornertheproducers—SteveHigginsandTimHerlihy—andtrytogetthemtoagreewithus.Higgins,Herlihy,Dennis,andIwouldcontinuethissquaredanceofsellingoneanotheroutforaweekorso,onlytofindthatJimSignorelli,thecolorful,

long-standingdirectorofthesetapedpieces,hadstartedmakingwhateverparodyhelikedwithoutaskinganyone,usuallybecauseithadhighproductionvaluesoravisualstylehefeltlikeshooting.It’samiracleanythingevergotdone.

TherewasoneparodyscriptthatIreallyfoughtfor.Itwasbackwhen“classic”wasabigadvertisingtrend.Coke

Classic.ReebokClassic.TheveryveryfunnyPaulaPellhadwrittenascriptcalledKotexClassic.ItwasasifKotexweretryingtorevivenostalgiaforthoseold1960smaxipadsthathookedtoabelt.Itfeaturedthewomeninthecastenjoyingfun“moderngal”activitieswhilegiantsanitarynapkinspokedoutoftheirlow-risejeans.Itseemedtomelikeanexcellentparodyofnostalgia-

basedmarketingwhilealsobeingalittleshockingandsilly,whichisgreatforanSNL

commercial.Ikeptbringingitupinmeetingsonlytobetoldthatitwouldbe“toodifficulttoproduce.”

PaulaandIweren’tsurewhatthatmeant,sowekeptpressing.Finally,SteveHigginsandJimSignorelli

satdownwithusandaskedustoexplain.“Howwouldweseeit?Isitathingthatcomesupthefront?

Wouldwehavetozoominonit?Wouldn’tthegirlshavetotaketheirpantsoff?Wouldweseeblood?”

AndthiswaswhatOprahwouldcallanAhaMomentforme.(TrademarkOprahWinfrey;pleasesendacheck

foreighty-ninecentstoHarpoIndustriesforhavingreadthat.)Theydidn’tknowwhatamaxipadbeltwas.ItwasthemomentIrealizedthattherewasno“institutionalizedsexism”atthatplace.Sometimestheyjustliterallydidn’tknowwhatweweretalkingabout.JustasIwasnotfamiliarwiththecompletelynormalcustomofpissinginjars,theyhadneverbeenhandeda

fifteen-year-oldKotexproductbytheschoolnurse.ButtheytrustedmeandPaula,soI’mproudtosaywemadehercommercialandthecommercialworked.

Twothingswerereassuringaboutthis.One,thatwewereheard.BecausePaulawassuchagoddamnhitfactory—shewrotetheCheerleaders,amongmanyotherthings—theywerewillingtotrustus.

And,moreimportant,forallthoseyearsthatIwassurethatboyscouldtellwhenIhadaloaf-of-bread-sizemaxipadgoingupthebackofmypants,theyactuallyhadnoidea.

IDon’tCareIfYouLikeIt

(OneinaseriesofloveletterstoAmyPoehler)

AmyPoehlerwasnewtoSNL

andwewereallcrowdedintotheseventeenth-floorwriters’room,waitingfortheWednesdayread-throughtostart.Therewerealwaysalotofnoisy“comedybits”goingoninthatroom.AmywasinthemiddleofsomesuchnonsensewithSethMeyersacrossthetable,andshedidsomethingvulgarasajoke.Ican’trememberwhatitwasexactly,exceptitwasdirtyandloudand“unladylike.”

JimmyFallon,whowasarguablythestaroftheshowatthetime,turnedtoherandinafaux-squeamishvoicesaid,“Stopthat!It’snotcute!Idon’tlikeit.”

Amydroppedwhatshewasdoing,wentblackintheeyesforasecond,andwheeledaroundonhim.“Idon’tfuckingcareifyoulikeit.”Jimmywasvisiblystartled.Amywentrightbackto

enjoyingherridiculousbit.(IshouldmakeitclearthatJimmyandAmyareverygoodfriendsandtherewasneveranyrealbeefbetweenthem.Insertpenisjokehere.)

Withthatexchange,acosmicshifttookplace.Amymadeitclearthatshewasn’ttheretobecute.Shewasn’ttheretoplaywivesandgirlfriendsintheboys’scenes.Shewastheretodowhatshewanted

todoandshedidnotfuckingcareifyoulikeit.

Iwassohappy.Weirdly,Irememberthinking,“Myfriendishere!Myfriendishere!”Eventhoughthingshadbeengoinggreatformeattheshow,withAmythere,Ifeltlessalone.

Ithinkofthiswheneversomeonesaystome,“JerryLewissayswomenaren’t

funny,”or

“ChristopherHitchenssayswomenaren’tfunny,”or“RickFendermansayswomenaren’tfunny….Doyouhaveanythingtosaytothat?”

Yes.Wedon’tfuckingcareifyoulikeit.

Idon’tsayitoutloud,ofcourse,becauseJerryLewis

isagreatphilanthropist,Hitchensisverysick,andthethirdguyImadeup.

Unlessoneofthesemenismyboss,whichnoneofthemis,it’sirrelevant.Myhatgoesofftothem.Itisanimpressivelyarrogantmovetoconcludethatjustbecauseyoudon’tlikesomething,itisempiricallynotgood.Idon’tlikeChinesefood,butIdon’twritearticlestryingtoprove

itdoesn’texist.

Somyunsolicitedadvicetowomenintheworkplaceisthis.WhenfacedwithsexismorageismorlookismorevenreallyaggressiveBuddhism,askyourselfthefollowingquestion:“IsthispersoninbetweenmeandwhatIwanttodo?”Iftheanswerisno,ignoreitandmoveon.Yourenergyisbetteruseddoingyourworkandoutpacing

peoplethatway.Then,whenyou’reincharge,don’thirethepeoplewhowerejerkytoyou.

Iftheanswerisyes,youhaveamoredifficultroadaheadofyou.IsuggestyoumodelyourstrategyaftertheoldSesameStreetfilmpiece“Over!Under!Through!”(Ifyou’reunderfortyyoumightnotrememberthisfilm.Ittaughttheconceptsof“over,”

“under,”and“through”byfilmingtoddlerscrawlingaroundanabandonedconstructionsite.Theydon’tshowitanymorebecausesomeonehassincerealizedthat’snuts.)

Ifyourbossisajerk,trytofindsomeoneaboveoraroundyourbosswhoisnotajerk.*Ifyou’relucky,yourworkplacewillhaveaneutralprovingground—liketherifle

rangeorthecarsalestotalboardortheSNLread-through.Ifso,focusonthat.

Again,don’twasteyourenergytryingtoeducateorchangeopinions.Go“Over!Under!

Through!”andopinionswillchangeorganicallywhenyou’retheboss.Ortheywon’t.Whocares?

Doyourthinganddon’tcareiftheylikeit.

Amazing,Gorgeous,NotLikeThat

Peoplesometimesaskme,“What’sitliketodophotoshootsformagazines?”“Doyouenjoythatkindofthing?”Letmebecompletelyhonesthere.Publicityandpressjunketsarejustpartofthejob.Yourworkiswhatyou

reallycareaboutbecauseyourworkisyourcraftandyourcraftisyourartandphotoshootsareTHEFUNNEST!

Incaseyoueverfindyourselfatamagazinecovershoot(andyoumight,becauseSnookiandIhave,soanythingcanhappen!),letmetellyouwhattoexpect.

It’susuallyinsomecool

spacecalledWhiteorSmashHouseorJinxStudios.Sometimesit’satanamazinghotel.Whereveritis,it’snicerthanwhereyouhadyourwedding.Youtakeafreightelevatoruptoabeautifulloftwherethereisacoffeebaratwhicheverythingisfree.Free,Isay!

Isuggestyoushowupfreshlyscrubbedwithdamphair.Notonlyisthisacourtesytoyour

hairandmakeupteambutalsoithelpstosetthebarlow.Showuplookinglikeanuncookedchickenlegandtheycan’thelpbutbepleasedwiththetransformationoncetheygetalltheirmakeuponyou.IthinkthisiswhatJesseJacksoncallsthe“subtlegeniusofloweredexpectations,”butImaybemisquoting.

You’llbeintroducedtothe

stylistandshownracksandracksofclothes.Shehasbeengivenyoursizesaheadoftimeandhaschosentoignorethem.Alltheshoeswillbetoobigandallthepantsandskirtswillbea5T.Thestylistsliketofigureoutafewlooksbeforehairandmakeupbegins,soyouwilltryontwentyorthirtythings.Somebodywillputupamakeshiftwallbyholdingafull-lengthmirrornexttoan

openloftwindow,andyouwillstripdownnaked.Youmustnotlookinthatmirroratyourdoughylegsandflatfeet,fortodayisaboutdreamsandillusions,andunfilterednaturaldaylightistheenemyofdreams.

Whenyouinevitablycan’tfitintoagarment,thestylist’sassistantwillbesentintohelpyou.

Thestylist’sassistantwillbeachictwenty-year-oldAsiangirlnamedEstherorAgnesorLot’sWife.

Inafewyearsshe’llberunningtheeditorialstaff,butatthispointintimeherjobistostuffamiddle-agedwoman’sbareasscrackintoaPradadressandzipitup.Inmycase,EstherandIarealwaysmutuallyfrustratedwhenzippingupthetiny

dress.Estherisdisgustedbymydimplyfleshandherlowstatus.I’mannoyedthathertinyhandslackthestrengthtogetPandora’splaguebackintothebox.

“How’sitgoinginthere?”callsthestylistpassive-aggressively.Reinforcementsarecalledintopushonbothsidesofmyribcageuntilthezippergoesup.Toavoidconflict,weallblameathird

party.“It’sthesedamninvisiblezippers!”wesayinunison.“Idon’tknowwhydesignersusethem!”

Thereasonnoneofthedressesfitisbecausetheyare“samples.”Theyarefromtherunwayandtheyweremadetofitrunwaymodels.SometimesIcanactuallyfitinthesamplesizebecauseatfivefootfourIhavethewaistsizeofaseven-footmodel.

“Youcanfitinasamplesize!”theytellmetriumphantly,withthedressstrainingattheseams,twofeettoolongonthebottom,andthebracupshangingrightabovemynavel.Theywantthistobeimportanttoyou,sogowithit.

Nextyouaretakentothehairandmakeupchair.“Doyouhaveanythingonyourface?”themakeupartistwillask

gently.Youdon’tbecause,aspreviouslymentioned,youaresandbagging.Themakeupartistwillthendelicatelyapplyexpensivemoisturizertoyourchickenlegwhilethehairstylistmassagesyourscalp(secretlycheckingforbaldspots).

Onceyou’remoisturizedandhaveenjoyedyourfreecappuccino,themakeuptransformationbeginsin

earnest.Theypluckyoureyebrowsforwhatseemsliketwentyminuteseventhoughyouhavealreadypluckedthemfullythenightbefore.

Ifyou’relikeme,youprobablytaketentotwelvesecondsadaytoputonsomeeyelinerandmascara.Maybeyouthrowinfivesecondsofeyeshadowifit’sNewYear’sEve.Themakeupartistatyourphotoshootwill

workmethodicallyonyoureyelidswithaseriesofticklylittlebrushesforahundredminutes.It’ssoothing,actually,becauseyoumustsitstillandyouabsolutelycan’tdoanythingelse.Shewilldothisthingbeforeshelinesyourlipswheresheputsherfingeronyourtoplipandrollsitbackeversogently.Whensheisdone,youlooklikeyouhavelips!Notcrazyoverdrawngrandmalipslike

youwoulddo,butGod-givenlips.

Whilethisisgoingon,someonegivesyouamanicureandapedicure.Atreallyfancyshoots,acelebrityfecalistwillstudyyourbowelmovementsandadjustyourhumours.

Thelegmassageandthewarmlightsofthemakeupmirrorfeelsocozythatyou

couldalmostbelievethatthisisyouractuallifeinsteadofthatendlessdegrading“lookingforthecheckbook”and

“boilingmacaroni”shityoulivewithathome.

Atsomepointinthemorning,oneofthestylistsorpublicistsorfecalistswilldeclarethatthefreecoffeeis“notworkingforme,”and

someinternissentouttogetothercoffee.Orbubbletea.Orgum,Advil,RedBull,andeggwhiteomeletsthataredestinedtobeforgottenaboutandleftonawindowsill.

Onlywhenyourmakeupisdonewilltheystarttodoyourhair.Youhairwillbeblownstraight,thensetonlargerollers.Thehairdresser’sassistanthandshimrollersandpinsoncommandlikean

OR

nurse.Thesefashionableyoungassistantsareafunwindowintowhattherestofuswillbewearingthreeyearsfromnow.FromwhatI’veseenlately,wecanlookforwardtothereturnofprairieskirtsandthemaleshag.(Theprairieskirtswillbeonmenandthemaleshagwillbeonwomen.)Onceyourhairisstraightened,it

willbecurled,thenshowntothephotographer,whowillstareatitwithhisorherheadcockedtooneside.Thenitwillberestraightened.

Dependingontheconceptfortheshootandthehealthofyournaturalhair,youmaybeaskedtowearhairextensions.It’sokay.Acontrolled,photoshootenvironmentiswhereextensionsbelong.

Placesthatarelessidealforhairextensions:thegrocerystore,women’sprison,awaterpark.

Onceyourhairandmakeuparedone,you’llslipintoyourfirstlook.Itwillmostdefinitelybeoneofthedressesthatdidn’tevencomeclosetofittingyou,soLot’sWifewillbridgethegapwithathickpieceofwhiteelasticandsomesafetypins.Don’t

everfeelinadequatewhenyoulookatmagazines.Justrememberthateverypersonyouseeonacoverhasabraandunderwearhangingoutagapingholeintheback.Everyone.HeidiKlum,theOlsenTwins,DavidBeckham,everybody.

Etvoilà!Justtwotothreehoursafteryourarrival,youarereadytobetakentothephotographerandshot.

Therearedifferenttypesoffancyphotographers.Somearebig,funpersonalitieslikeMarioTestino,whooncetoldme,“Liftyourchin,darling,youarenoteighteen.”Ienjoyedhishonesty.Also,I’mprettysurehesaysthattomodelswhoarenineteen.

Somephotographersplanouteverydetailoftheshot,thenplugyouintoit.Forexample,withAnnieLeibovitz,you

mighthaveadvancefittingsforseveralcustomTinkerbellcostumes.Onthedayoftheshoot,Anniewillpickoneofthecostumes,thenobscureitwithalargeharness.Afterward,she’llremovetheharnesswithPhotoshop,changethecolorofthecostume,andshrinkyoudowntothesizeofapeaanyway.

Therearethenonchalant

“coolguy”photographerswhoshootforRollingStoneandGQ.Watchoutfortheseguys,becausetheiroffhandmannercantrickyouandthenextthingyouknow,you’reposingwithyourpantsoff.Orworse,withyourshoesoff.

I’mafirmbelieverinourconstitutionalrighttowearshoes,andIbelievemorepeopleshouldtakeadvantage

ofit.Inevergobarefootduringaphotoshoot.Eveniftheysayyourfeetare“outofframe,”don’tbelievethem.Iknowwhatyou’rethinkingandno,Idon’thavehorriblemessed-upfeet.

MaybemyfeetaresoamazingthatIwanttoshelterthemsotheycanliveanormallife.Idon’twantthemtobetheSuriCruiseoffeet.Didyoueverthinkabout

that?

Thephotographerwillaskyouwhatkindofmusicyouwanttoplayduringtheshoot.RememberthatwhateveryouchoosewillbeblastedthroughtheloftandheardbyanentirecrewofpeoplewhoareallsocoolthattheBoardofEd.officiallyclosedschool.

Justmurmur,“Hip-hop,”ormakeupthenameofa

hipster-soundingbandandthenactsuperiorwhenthey’veneverheardofit.“DoyouguyshaveanyAsphaltofPinking?*disappointed+Really?

[shrug]Whateveryouwant,then.”

SometimestheyaskifyouwanttohookupyouriPodforbackgroundmusic.Donotdothis.It’satrap.They’llput

itonshuffle,andnomatterhowmuchBeastieBoysorVelvetUndergroundyouhaveonthere,thefollowingfourtrackswillplayinarow:“We’dLiketoThankYouHerbertHoover”fromAnnie,

“HoldOn”byWilsonPhillips,“That’sWhatFriendsAreFor,”VariousArtists,and“We’dLiketoThankYouHerbertHoover”fromAnnie.

Togetthroughtheactualshootingprocess,therearethreeskillsyouneedtomaster.

1)Posing

Posingforasuccessfulglamourportraitisverysimple.Startwiththebasics.Turnsideways.Leanbackagainstawall.Moveyourchinforwardtoelongateyourneck.Relaxyourshoulders.

Makeangleswhereverpossible.Ifyou’reovertwenty-four,smileatalltimes.Keepyourarmsslightlyawayfromyoursidessoasnottosmushthemandmakethemlooklarger.Suckyourstomachupandin,andwrapyourbuttockstowardtheback,Pilates-style.Beyourself.Whenyoulookintothelens,imagineyouarelookingatadearfriend,butnotafriendwhowouldlaugh

atyouforjuttingoutyourchinwhilearchingyourbackagainstafakewall.

Knowyourweaknesses.Forexample,Ihavewhatcanbedescribedas“deadsharkeyes.”ButifItrytoohardtolookalert,Ilookbatshitcrazy,liketherunawaybride.Ifaboutof“creepyface”setsin,thetrickistolookawayfromthecamerabetweenshotsandturnbackonly

whennecessary.Thisalsolimitshowmuchofyoursoulthecameracansteal.

2)DealingwithWhatIsBeingSaidtoYou

Mostphotographershavesomekindofverbalpattergoingonwhentheyshoot:“Great.Turntome.Bigsmile.Lesssharkeyes.Havefunwithit.Notlikethat.”

Somephotographersarecompulsivelyeffusive.“Beautiful.Amazing.Gorgeous!Ugh,sogorgeous!”theyyellatshutterspeed.Ifyouareanythinglessthaninsane,youwillrealizethisisnotsincere.It’shardtotakebecauseit’smorepositivefeedbackthanyou’vereceivedinyourentirelifethrownatyouinfifteenseconds.Itwouldbelikegoingjoggingwhilesomeone

rodenexttoyouinaslow-movingcar,yelling,“Yes!YouareCarlLewis!You’rebreakingaworldrecordrightnow.Amazing!

Youarefast.You’regoingveryfast,yes!”

Withthewindblowingonyourlongextensions,youfeellikeBeyoncé.Themomentthewindmachinestops,youcatchaglimpseofyourselfin

themirrorandwonder,“WhyisthemotherfromCoalMiner’sDaughterhere?”

Yourimpulsewillbetowiltwithembarrassment.Donot!Beforeyoulookupforthebucketofpig’sblood,remember,yourthirdandmostdifficulttaskis“TryingtoEnjoyIt.”

3)TryingtoEnjoyIt(ProceedasifYouLook

Awesome.)

Thisrequiresalevelofdelusion/egomaniausuallyreservedforpopesanddragqueens,butyoucandoit.It’slikebeingalittlekidagain,paradingaroundinanightgowntuckedintoyourunderpants,believingitlooksterrific.Your“rightmind”knowsthatyoulookridiculousinahalf-opendressandgiantshoes,butyou

mustputyourselfbackinthirdgrade,slippingonyourmom’squiltedcaftananddrinkingcreamsodaoutofachampagneglasswhilewatchingTheLoveBoat.Youhaveneverbeenmoreglamorous.

“Believeyouareworthyofthecover,”asMarioTestinomightsaytoatense,shark-eyedfortyyearold.

Afteraboutseventeenminutesofshooting,theycalllunch.Thecateredlunchmakesyoufeellikeyou’refinallythepersonyoualwayswantedtobe.Vegetabletartlets.Arugulasaladwithfigs,quinoa,fishthatissomehowmoreflavorfulanddeliciousthanaWendy’shamburger.Miniaturelemonmeringuepies.Hibiscusicedtea.Youfantasizeabouthowwonderfulyourlifewouldbe

ifyouhadthisfooddeliveredeveryday.Oh,theenergyyouwouldhave!Yourstoolswouldbemuseumquality.Youcouldfinallyimpressthefecalist.

Atthispointsomeonefromyourrealjoborhomelifewillcalltocheckin.Pretendyou’reexhaustedandthatthiswholephotoshootthingisabiginconvenience.Sayyou’llbedonebysixandthatyou’ll

besuretogethomeintimetohelporganizethebasementstorageunit.Thenhangup!Donotletthosepeoplekillyourbuzz!

YourafternoonwillflybyasyougetmoreandmoreconfidentposinglikeanoldVirginiaSlimsad.

Andthenyou’redone.Yougetbackintothismorning’ssweatpants,brushoutyour

hair,whichbynowlookslikeyou’vebeenstandingonatarmacallday,andthat’sit.

Youdon’tgettokeeptheclothes,bytheway.Somepeoplesaythatthereallyfamouspeoplegettokeeptheclothes,butIsuspectit’sjustthepushiest,mostdeludedpeoplewhogettokeeptheclothesbecausetheystealthemandnoonesaysanything.Youronly

keepsakesaretheindividualfalseeyelashesthatyoulaterfindstucktoyourboobintheshower.

(Someoneshoulddoastudyofthehumanbrainandhowquicklyitcanadjusttoluxury.Youcouldtakeahomelesspersonwhohasbeenlivingonthestreetfortwentyyears,andifyouletthemdothreemagazinephotoshoots,bythefourth

onethey’dbesaying,“Louboutinsdon’treallyworkonme.

CanItrytheRogerVivier?”Bythefifthonethey’dsigh,“Dotheynothavethevegetabletartlets?

Bummer!”inapassive-aggressivetonethatmeans“Somebodygogetthem.”)Youmaysinkintoaslightdepressionoverthenext

thirty-sixhours.Youmaywonderwhyyourlovedonesdon’tcallout,“Amazing,gorgeous,righttome!”asyouscrambletheireggs.

Butjustbepatient,forinafewweeks,themagazinewillbeoutandyouwillhaveincontrovertibleproofthatyouareayoungCatherineDeneuve.YoucasuallycheckthenewsstandonyourwaytobuyBengayheatingpads.

Oneday,thereitis!RightbetweenJessicaSimpsonandthosepeoplefromTheBachelorwhomurderedeachother—it’syourface!Itisyourface,right?Youcanbarelyrecognizeyourselfwiththeamountofdigitalcorrection.They’vetakenoutyourknucklesandgivenyoubabyhands.Themuscularcalvesthatyou’regenerallyveryproudofareslimmedtothebone.Andwhat’swiththe

eyes?Theyalwaysgetitwrongundertheeyes.Inanefforttoremovedarkcirclestheytakeoutanydepth,andyourfacelookslikeitwasdrawnonapaperplate.Youlookedforwardtothemtakingoutyourchickenpoxscarsandbrokenbloodvessels,buthowdoyoufeelwhentheyerasepartofyouthatisperfectlygood?

Wehavenowenteredthe

debateoverAmerica’smostseriousandpressingissue:Photoshop.

AlotofwomenareoutragedbytheuseofPhotoshopinmagazinephotos.IsayalotofwomenbecauseIhaveyettomeetonemanwhocouldgiveafatturdaboutthetopic.Notevenagayman.

IfeelaboutPhotoshopthewaysomepeoplefeelabout

abortion.Itisappallingandatragicreflectiononthemoraldecayofoursociety…unlessIneedit,inwhichcase,everybodybecool.

DoIthinkPhotoshopisbeingusedexcessively?Yes.IsawMadonna’sLouisVuittonadandhonestly,atfirstglance,IthoughtitwasGwenStefani’sbaby.

DoIworryaboutoverly

retouchedphotosgivingwomenunrealisticexpectationsandbodyimageissues?Ido.Ithinkthatwewillsoonseeariseinanorexiainwomenoverseventy.BecauseonlypeopleoverseventyarefooledbyPhotoshop.Onlyyourgreat-auntforwardsyouanimageofSarahPalinholdingarifleandwearinganAmerican-flagbikiniandthinksit’sreal.OnlyyouruncleVicsendsa

photoofBarackObamawearingahammerandsickleT-shirtandhastohaveitexplainedtohimthatsomebodyfakedthatwiththecomputer.

Peoplehavelearnedhowtospotit.Justlikehoweveryonelearnedtospotfakeboobs—lookfortheupper-armmeat.Ifthere’snoupper-armmeat,thebreastsarefake.Unlikebreastimplants,

whichcanmessupyourhealth,digitalretouchingisrelativelyharmless.Aslongasweallknowit’sfake,it’snomoredangeroustosocietythanaradiobroadcastofTheWaroftheWorlds.

Photoshopisjustlikemakeup.Whenit’sdonewellitlooksgreat,andwhenit’soverdoneyoulooklikeacrazyasshole.Unfortunately,mostpeopledon’tdoitwell.Ifind,thefancierthefashionmagazineis,theworsethePhotoshop.It’sasiftheyarealreadysodisgustedthatahumanhastobeintheclothes,theycan’tstoperasinghumanfeatures.

“Whycan’tweacceptthehumanformasitis?”screamsnoone.Idon’tknowwhy,butweneverhave.That’swhypeopleworecorsetsandneckstretchersandpowderedwigs.

Ifyou’regoingtoexpendenergybeingmadaboutPhotoshop,you’llalsohavetobemadaboutearrings.Noone’searsarethatsparkly!Theyshouldn’thavetobe!

You’llhavetogetmadaboutoilpaintings—thosepeopledidn’treallylooklikethat!Iforoneamfuriousthatpeopleareallowedtoturnsidewaysinphotographs!Whycan’tweacceptawoman’sfullwidth?!Iwon’trestuntilpeopleareonlyallowedtobephotographedfacingfrontunderafluorescentlight.

Itshouldabsolutelybemandatoryformagazinesto

creditthepersonwhoperformedthePhotoshopwork,justliketheydothemakeupartistandthestylist…inverytinywhiteprintonwhitepaper.

Somepeoplesayit’safeministissue.Iagree,becausethebestPhotoshopjobIevergotwasforafeministmagazinecalledBustin2004.

Itwasalow-budgetshootinthebackoftheirdowntownoffice.Therewasnofreecoffeebarorwindmachine,justabunchofintelligentwomenwithasenseof

humor.

Ilookedatthetwopaltrylightstheyhadsetupandturnedtotheeditors.“We’reallfeministshere,butyou’regonnausePhotoshop,right?”“Oh,yeah,”theyrepliedinstantly.FeministsdothebestPhotoshopbecausetheyleavethemeatonyourbones.Theydon’tchangeyoursizeoryourskincolor.

Theyleaveinyourdisgustingknuckles,buttheymaytakeoutsomearmpitstubble.Notbecausethey’redenyingitsexistence,butbecausetheyunderstandthatit’sokaytomakeaphotolookasifyouwerecaughtonyourbestdayinthebestlight.

Inanactofamazingbravery,IwillletyouseethisphotoofmewithPhotoshopandwithout.

Therearesevendifferences.Seeifyoucanspotthem.*

Photoshopitselfisnotevil.JustlikeItaliansaladdressingisnotinherentlyevil,untilyourubitalloveradesperateyoungactressandstickheronthecoverofMaxim,pretendingtopullherpantiesdown.(That“thumbsinthepanties”moveistheworst.Really?It’snotenoughthattheygotgreasedupandin

theirpantiesforyou,Maxim?)

Giveitup.Retouchingisheretostay.Technologydoesn’tmovebackward.Nosocietyhaseverde-industrialized.Whichiswhywe’llneverturnbackfromPhotoshop—andwhytheeconomiccollapseofChinaisgoingtobethedeathofusall.Nevermindthat.Let’skeepbeingupinarmsaboutthis

Photoshopbusiness!

Idon’tseeafutureinwhichwe’reallanorexicandsuicidal.Idoseeafutureinwhichweallretouchthebejeezusoutofourownpicturesathome.FamilyChristmascardswilljustbeeyesandnostrilsinasnowmanborder.

AtleastwithPhotoshopyoudon’treallyhavetoalteryour

body.It’sbetterthanallthesedisgustinginjectiblesandimplants.Isn’titbettertohaveacomputerdoittoyourpicturethantohaveadoctordoittoyourface?

IhavethusfarrefusedtogetanyBotoxorplasticsurgery.(AlthoughIdowearaclearelasticchinstrapthatIhookaroundmyearsandpinundermydaywig.)Ican’tbeexpectedtoleadthecharge

oneverything.LetmehavemyPhotoshop.

Fortodayisaboutdreams!

DearInternet

Oneofmygreatestregrets,otherthanbeingtheZodiacKillerneverlearningtotango,isthatIdon’talwayshavetimetoanswerthewonderfulcorrespondenceIreceive.Whenpeoplecareenoughto

write,theonlywell-manneredthingtodoistoreturnthegift,sopleaseindulgemeasIanswersomefanshere.

Fromtmz.com

PostedbySonyainTxon4/7/2010,4:33P.M.

“WhenisTinagoingtodosomethingaboutthathideousscaracrosshercheek??”

DearSonyainTx,

Greetings,Texanfriend!(I’massumingthe“Tx”inyourscreennamestandsforTexasandnotsomerarechromosomaldeficiencyyouhave.HopeI’mrightaboutthat!)Firstofall,myapologiesforthedelayedresponse.IwasunawareyouhadwrittenuntilIwentontmz.comtowatchsomeoftheiramazingfootageof

peopleinL.A.leavingrestaurantsandIstumbleduponyourquestion.

I’msureifyouandIcomparescheduleswecouldfindatimetogettogetheranddosomethingaboutthisscarofmine.ButthetrickierquestionisWhatamIgoingtodo?Iwouldlovetogetyouradvice,actually.I’massumingyou’reaphysician,becauseyouseemreally

knowledgeableabouthowthehumanbodyworks.WhatdoyouthinkIshoulddoaboutthishideousscar?IguessIcouldwearabagonmyhead,butdoIgowithlinenliketheElephantManorasimplebrownpaperliketheUnknownComic?Toomanychoices,help!

Thankyouforyourtime.YouareacredittoTexasandVikingwomenboth.

Yours,

Tina

P.S.Greatuseofdoublequestionmarks,bytheway.Itmakesyouseemyoung.

FromDlisted.com

PostedbyCentauriousonMonday,9/21/2009,2:08A.M.

“TinaFeyisanugly,pear-shaped,bitchy,overratedtroll.”

DearCentaurious,

Firstletmesayhowinspiringitisthatyouhavelearnedtouseacomputer.

Ihateforourcorrespondencetobeconfrontational,butyouhaveoffendedmedeeply.TosayI’manoverratedtroll,

whenyouhaveneverevenseenmeguardabridge,ispatentlyunfair.I’llleaveitforotherstosayifI’mthebest,butIamcertainlyoneofthemostdedicatedtrollsguardingbridgestoday.Ialwaysaskthreequestions,atleasttwoofwhichareriddles.

Asfor“ugly,pear-shaped,andbitchy”?Iprefertheterms“offbeat,businessclass–assed,andexhausted,”

butI’lltakewhatIcanget.There’snosuchthingasbadpress!

Nowgotobed,youcrazynightowl!YouhavetobeatNASAearlyinthemorning.SotheycanlookforyourpeniswiththeHubbletelescope.

Affectionately,

Tina

FromPerezHilton.com

PostedbyjerkstoreonWednesday,1/21/2009,11:21P.M.

“InmyopinionTinaFeycompletelyruinedSNL.Theonlyreasonshe’scelebratedisbecauseshe’sawomanandanoutspokenliberal.Shehasnotasinglefunnyboneinherbody.”

Dearjerkstore,

HuzzahfortheTruthTeller!Womeninthiscountryhavebeenover-celebratedfortoolong.Justlastnighttherewasastoryonmylocalnewsabouta“missinggirl,”andtheymusthavededicatedsevenoreightminutesto“whereshewaslastseen”and“howshemighthavebeenabductedbyaclosefamilyfriend,”andIthought,“What

isthis,theNewsforChicks?”ThentherewassomestoryaboutHillaryClintonflyingtosomecountrybecauseshe’ssecretaryofstate.Whydowekeeptalkingaboutthesedumdums?Weareasocietythatconstantlycelebratesnoonebutwomenanditmuststop!Iwanttohearwhatthemenoftheworldhavebeenupto.Whatfunnewgunshavetheyinvented?Whatarethey

rapingthesedays?What’sMichaelBay’snextfilmgoingtobe?

WhenIfirstsetouttoruinSNL,Ididn’tthinkanyonewouldnotice,butIperseveredbecause—likeyoutryingtodoanine-piecejigsawpuzzle—itwasalaboroflove.

I’mnotonetotootmyownhorn,butIfeelsafewithyou,

jerkstore,soI’llsayit.EverythingyoueverhatedonSNLwasbyme,andanythingyoueverlikedwasbysomeoneelsewhodiditagainstmywill.

Sincerely,

TinaFey

P.S.Youknowwhodoeshaveafunnyboneinherbody?Yourmomeverynight

foradollar.

Fromabodybuildingforum

PostedbySmarterChild,on2/24/2008,2:10P.M.

“I’dstickitinhertailpipe.”

DearSmarterChild,

Thankyousomuchforyourinterest.Whetheryoumeant

itinasexualwayormerelyasanactofaggression,Iamgrateful.Asa“womanofacertainage”inthisbusiness,Ifeelincrediblyluckytostillbe“catchingyoureye”“withmyanus.”Youkeepmerelevant!

Sincerely,

Ms.T.Fey

Fromtmz.com

PostedbyKevin214on11/9/08,11:38A.M.

“TinaFeyCHEATED!!!!!!Anyonewhohaseverseenanoldpictureofhercanseeshehashad100%plasticsurgery.Herwholefaceisdifferent.Shewasuglythenandsheisuglynow.SheonlywishedshecouldeverbeasbeautifulasSarahPalin.”

DearKevin214,

WhatcanIsay?Youhaveanamazingeye.IguessIgotcaughtupinthewholeHollywoodthing.IthoughtIcouldchangeahundredpercentofmyfacialfeaturesandaslongasIstayedugly,noonewouldnotice.HowfoolishIwas.

Solet’swipetheslateclean.Fulldisclosure,hereisalist

oftheproceduresI’vehaddone.Eyebrowning,noselengthening,Igetmyteethlightlyhenna-edeachmonthtogivethemtheiramberluster.I’vehadmylipsthinned,andI’vehadatreatmentcalledGrimmágewheretwofishingwiresarerunthroughmyjawlineandusedtogathertheskinuntilitlookslikeafancypillow.

I’vehadsebaceousimplants

(smallballsofRestylaneplacedinrandomlocationstogivetheappearanceofyouthfulneckacne).

Idon’thaveBotox.UnfortunatelyI’mallergic.InsteadIhavemonthlyinjectionsofBromodialone,afarm-strengthratpoison.Thiskeepsmyfaceinaconstantstateofirritationandparalysis,whichofcourseisindistinguishablefromsexual

excitement.Myfaceislongerandthinnerthanitwastwentyyearsago,andwhilesomemightsaythatisanaturaleffectofweightlossandaging,youandIknowthetruth—Ipayawomantositonthesideofmyheadtwiceaweek.MadonnaandGwynethgotoher,andwe’veallhadamazingresults.Ugh,listentome,Ireallyhavechanged!WhydidIfeeltheneedtoname-drop

thefactthatI’mfriendswithMadonnaVickersonandGwynethChung?

Sinceyou’resosavvyatspottingplasticsurgery,I’msureyou’venoticedsomeofmyotherfamousfriendswhohave“hadworkdone.”BishopDesmondTutu…cheekimplants.SupremeCourtJudgeRuthBaderGinsburg?Majortitjob.AndSpongeBobSquarePants,

genderreassignment.

Keeponhelpin’me“keepitreal,”

T

30Rock:AnExperimenttoConfuseYourGrandparents

IfyouhadtoldmewhenIwasakidthatIwouldgrowuptositthroughtheannual

NBC

EmployeeSexualHarassmentSeminarfourteentimes,Iwouldhavesaid,“What’s‘sexualharassment’?”

becauseClarenceThomasdidn’tinventthatuntiltheearlynineties.ButIwouldhavebeenveryexcitedtohearthatIwouldspendalargechunkofmyadultlifeworkingforthePeacock.I

loveworkingatNBC.

HowcouldInot?IgrewupwatchingSeinfeld,JohnnyCarson,LateNightwithDavidLetterman,andrerunsofTheMothers-in-Law.

WhenIwasinmyeighthseasonatSaturdayNightLive,itwastimetofigureoutwhatthenextphaseofmylifewouldbe.SNLislikehighschool,butatleastin

highschooltheytellyouwhentograduate.It’shardtopushyourselfoutofthenest.LornesuggestedImakea“developmentdeal”withNBCandtrytocomeupwithasitcom.Adevelopmentdealmeanstheypayyouwhileyou’rethinking,whichisaprettygreatdeal,unlessyou’relikemeandyoufeelconstantanxietythatyouhaven’tthoughtofanythingyet.(Myabilitytoturngood

newsintoanxietyisrivaledonlybymyabilitytoturnanxietyintochinacne.)Afterafewmonthsofgettingmoneyfornothing,IpitchedNBCpresidentofPrimetimeDevelopmentKevinReillyanideaaboutacablenewsproducer(me,presumably)whoisforcedtoproducetheshowofablowhardright-wingpundit(AlecBaldwin,ifwecouldevergethim)toboosthernetwork’ssagging

ratings.KevinReillysaid,“No,thankyou.”Allofasuddenthisdevelopmentdealthingdidn’tseemsobad.IfIcouldgetturneddownoneortwomoretimes,Icouldkeepthedevelopmentmoneybutneverhavetomakeashow.ButthenI’dprobablyalsoneverworkagain,andIhaveaverycompetitiveandobedientnature,so…chinacneandrewrites.

KevinReillysuggestedformynextideathatIwritesomethingclosertomylife.“Whynotwriteaboutwhatit’sliketoworkatSNL?”Iwasreluctantbecauseitseemedself-indulgenttowriteabouttheshowdirectly.IhadreallylikedthecablenewspitchbecauseIlikedtheideaofwritingAlecBaldwinasapowerfulconservative,havinghimarticulatepassionatelytheoppositeof

everythinghebelievedinreallife.Myhusband,alwaysmoreclearheadedaboutthesethings,suggestedthatIjustkeepAlec’scharacterthesame.ThenIstartedthinkingthatifitwasashowbusinessstory,IcoulduseTracyMorgan,too.Atrianglebetweenme,AlecBaldwin,andTracyMorganfeltlikeithadpotential.Thesethreecharacterswouldhavecompletelydifferentviews

aboutanytopicthatcameup—race,gender,politics,workplaceethics,money,sex,women’sbasketball—andtheywouldagreeanddisagreeinendlesscombinations.

By2005IhadfleshedouttheideaKevinReillyhadrequested.Iwouldplaytheheadwriterofalate-nightcomedyshow.TracyMorganwouldplayalunaticcomedy

starandAlecBaldwinwouldplaymyoverbearingconservativeboss.Well,itwaswrittenforAlecBaldwin,butnoneofushadtheballstotalktohimaboutityet.

Iwrotewhattheycalla“pilot,”whichmeansyouwritethefirstepisodeofwhatyouhopewillbealongseries.Pilotscriptsareparticularlydifficulttowritebecauseyouhaveto

introduceallthecharacterswithoutitfeelinglikeaseriesofintroductions.Youhavetotellastorythat’snotonlyfunnyandcompellingbutalsodramatizesyourmaincharacters’pointsofviewandwhattheserieswouldbeaboutthematically(love,work,investigatingsexychildmurdersinMiami,etc.).

Ifyouwanttoseeagreatpilot,watchthefirstepisode

ofCheers.It’scharming,funny,andwellconstructed.Ifyouwanttoseeanawkward,sweatypilotepisode,watch30Rock.Iwillnotbejoiningyou,becauseIneverwanttowatchthatmessagain.(The30Rockwritingstaffhaveaskedmetostopsayingthepilotwasterrible,sofromhereonoutIwillrefertoitas“quirkyandunique.”)Imetwithseveralexcellentactorsaboutplaying

theroleofJackDonaghy,andwitheachmeetingitbecameincreasinglyclearthatthepartwasmeantforAlecBaldwin.ButIdidn’thavetoworkupthenervetotalktohimaboutityet,becausenowIwaspregnantandtheshootingofthepilotwaspostponed.

InSeptember,mydaughterwasborn.(Fortherecord:epidural,vaginaldelivery,didnotpooponthetable.)

AroundChristmastimeIwasbacktoworkatSNL,andAlecwashosting.TheshowwasgoodthatweekandAlecwashavingagoodtime.LorneandIlookedateachother—shouldwejustaskhim?

LorneaskedhimandAlecsaidyes.Istayedoutoftheroom,whichismyspecialty.

AnAuspiciousBeginning

NBCexecutivesmusthaveseensomethingofvalueinmyquirkyanduniquepilot(AlecBaldwin)becausetheydecidedforsomereason(AlecBaldwin)to“pickitup.”ThismeanstheyagreedtomakeelevenmoreepisodesandmaybeshowthemonTV.

TheannouncementofwhichshowsarepickedupeachyeartakesplaceinMayatanadvertisers’

conventioncalledthe“Upfronts.”AdbuyersfromallkindsofcompaniesgatherinNewYorkCityforaweek.Eachdayoneofthenetworkspresentsits“newfalllineup”ofshows.TheyrentoutRadioCityMusicHallortheHiltonballroomandtrytodazzletheadvertiserswithexcitingclipsandpersonalappearancesfromtheirbiggeststars.Theytalkaboutwhich“targetdemographics”

theyreachandhowmany“upscale”viewerstheyhave.Itissexy,likehaving-lunch-with-your-parents-after-a-medical-examsexy.

Theadvertisersthendecidewheretheywanttospendtheiradmoney,andthenetworksknowhowmuchmoneythey’llhavetoworkwithinthefall.

Wehavenowexceededmy

understandingofthetelevisionbusiness.

Rightbeforethe2006Upfronts,IwascalledintoLorneMichaels’sofficeattwointhemorningafteranSNLshow.“Thisisit,”Ithought.“They’vecometotellustheywanttheshow.”Idon’tknowwhyIwassoconfidenttheywould(AlecBaldwin).

Ihadmixedfeelingsaboutthis.Inowhadaneightmontholdathome,andIwasn’tsurethatthisnewseventy-hour-a-weekjobwas,asdisgracedpoliticianssay,“inthebestinterestofmyfamilyatthiscurrentjunctureatthepresenttime.”

Iwasalittleexcitedbutmostlyblorft.“Blorft”isanadjectiveIjustmadeupthatmeans

“Completelyoverwhelmedbutproceedingasifeverythingisfineandreactingtothestresswiththetorporofapossum.”Ihavebeenblorfteverydayforthepastsevenyears.

IwentintoLorne’sofficetoreceivemygoodnews,butsomethingwasup.TheCEOofNBC

UniversalTelevisionGroup,

JeffZucker,wasthere,andheseemedagitated.Apparently,withallmybusinesssavvy,Ihadn’trealizedthatAlecBaldwinhadnotsignedupforanyepisodesbeyondthepilot.

NBCwantedAlectosignanewcontractbeforeanyannouncementsweremade,butAlec,beingoneoftheall-timegreatIrishballbusters,wouldnotberushed.

(AlecandIliketojokenowaboutwhatIcallhis“IrishNegotiatingTechnique,”whichusuallyboilsdowntohissaying:“TheyofferedmemoremoneyandItoldthemtogof***themselves.”)SoMr.Zuckerwasbeingforcedtoorderashowthatdidnotactuallyhaveitsstarinplace.Hepacedaroundtheroom.Lornecalmlyassuredhimitwouldallworkout;Alecwouldeventuallysignhis

contract.ThenLornewavedhishandgentlyinfrontofZucker’sfaceandsaid,“Thesearenotthedroidsyou’relookingfor.”Hedidn’t,buthemightaswellhave.

“We’rereallygoingoutonalimbforyouhere,”JeffZuckersaid,wagginghisfingeratmebegrudgingly.“You’repickedup.”Andthen,inamostunfortunate

Freudianslip,Isaid,“You’rewelcome”insteadof“Thankyou.”Andthatwasthegloriousbecomingofwhatwouldgoontobethe102ndmostpopularshowontelevision.*

AssemblingaTeamofRagtagAssassins

Alecdideventuallysignhiscontract,andwestartedproductionthatAugust.

MyfriendandformerSNLcoworkerRobertCarlockhadmovedwithhiswifeandbabyfromCaliforniatoNewYorktobeanexecutiveproducerandco–headwriterontheshow.Wesurroundedourselveswithhardworking,funnypeople.

MyBossypantsManagerialTechniques

I’lladmitthatasafemale

producerIhaveatacit“nohotheads”policy.Foryears,tobeconsideredageniusatcomedy,peoplehadtobe“dangerous”and“unpredictable.”Ihavemetsomeverydangerous,erratic,funnypeopleovertheyears,peopleIadmire,butIdon’twanttoworkwiththemeveryday.Godoyourownshow,toughguys,andIwillgladlywatchitfromthesafetyofmyhome.Ihirethemosttalented

ofthepeoplewhoaretheleastlikelytothrowapunchintheworkplace.IfthisiscontributingtotheDemasculinizationofAmerica,Isayholdatelethonandletmeknowhowitgoes.Idon’teverwanttogetpunchedinthefaceoverajoke—orevenscreamedat.

Thesewerethosegentlepeople:

JackBurditt—aTVveteranwhohadworkedoneveryshowfromMadAboutYoutoFrasiertoDAG.Ahandsome,soft-spoken,GaryCoopertype,Idon’tthinkJacksaidawordthefirstfourweeks.

Whenhefinallyspoke,itwasduringamundaneconversationinthewriters’roomaboutcrappysummerjobswe’dhadasteenagers.

Jacklaughedashetoldhowateighteenhewasoperatingtheroller-coasteratMagicMountainandhowonenight,therewasariotintheparkafteradiscoconcertandsixpeoplegotstabbed.Oneguybledoutinfrontofhim.Thenheturnedinathoughtfulandhilarious30Rockscriptthatshowedhewasmorethanjustaformercarniewhohadwatchedamandie.Acouplemonthslaterhespokeagain

totellushowhehadonceboughtabunchofdepthchargesandthrownthemoffthesideofarowboatinMexico.Also,hebelieveshistornACLwashealedbyavisittoRoswell.AndoncehefaintedinfrontofRingoStarrfromanundiagnosedtesticleinfection.Jack’sstorieswerereasonenoughtokeephimaround;hiselegantscriptswerejustabonus.MVPepisode:204,“Rosemary’s

Baby.”MVPjoke:thispieceofJackDonaghywisdom.

LIZ

Oh,thankGod.Itwasterrible.Iwenttoherapartment.Idon’tthinkshehasatoilet.Isawmyfuture,Jack.

JackpoursLizadrinkandhandsittoher.

JACK

Nevergowithahippietoasecondlocation.

KayCannonwasawomanI’dknownfromtheChicagoimprovworld.Abeautiful,strongmidwesterngalwhohadplayedlotsofsportsandruntrackincollege,Kayhadsubmittedagoodwritingsample,butIwasmoreimpressedbyherathlete’s

approachtotheworld.Shehadacan-doattitude,awillingnesstolearnthroughpractice,andshewascomfortablebeingcoached.Hersuccessattheshowisatestamenttowhyallparentsshouldmaketheirdaughterspursueteamsportsinsteadofpageants.

NotthatKaycouldn’twinabeautypageant—shecould,aslongasforthetalent

competitionshecouldsingakaraokeversionof“RedneckWoman”whileshootingaNerfrifle.MVPjoke:TracyJordanadmonishingapigeonforeatingoutofthegarbage.

C.C.

(givingin)

Noonecanknowwe’retogether,Jack.NotevenyourfriendTracyJordanoutthere.

JACK

Idon’tthinkwehavetoworryaboutTracy.

CUTTO:Tracyinfrontofthebuilding,talkingtoapigeon.

TRACY

Stopeatingpeople’soldfrenchfries,littlepigeon.Havesomeself-respect.

Don’tyouknowyoucanfly?

DaveFinkelandBrettBaerwereawritingteamfromLA,andI’mproudtosaythatduringthatfirstyeartheycontributedsomeofourweirdestmaterial.MVPepisode:118,“Fireworks,”inwhichTracyfindsoutheisadescendantofThomasJefferson.MVPscene:Tracy,anxiousoverthischangeinhisracialidentity,dreamsthat

heisonapaternitytestepisodeofTheMauryPovichShowwithThomasJefferson.Played,fordream-logicandfinancialreasons,byAlecBaldwin.

MAURYPOVICH

SallyHemingsjustcalledyouadog,ThomasJefferson.

THOMASJEFFERSON

Idon’tcare.ThisisaboutTracy.IrodeahorseallthewayfromHeaventotellhimsomething.

TherewasMattHubbard,ababy-facedHarvardboywhoalwayswantedtoorderMcDonald’sforstafflunch,whichIlikedalot.MattandhiswifesubletaplaceontheUpperEastSideofManhattanthatturnedouttohavebedbugs.Thiskindof

deephumansuffering,incombinationwithhishighlyprocesseddiet,transformedhimintoajoke-writingsuperhero.MVPepisode:115,“Hardball.”MVP

joke:TracyJordanonfood.

KENNETH

Hellothere,Mr.Jordan!Mr.Slattery,Mr.Oppenheim.I’vepickedupyourlunch

fromSylvia’s.

Extracornbread,becauseIknowyoulikeit.

TRACY

Likeit?Iloveit!IlovethatcornbreadsomuchIwanttotakeitoutbehindthemiddleschoolandgetitpregnant!

TherewasDaisyGardner,adelicatesoulwithanervous

stomachwhopitchedsomeofthefilthiestjokesyoucouldimagine,inthegentlestvoiceyoucouldimagine.MVPepisode:116,“TheSourceAwards,”inwhichJackDonaghytriestorecoverfromthefailureofhisfoul-tastingwine,DonaghyEstates,bytryingtomarketittothehip-hopcommunityasareplacementforCristal.MVP

joke:rapperGhostfaceKillahtryingtoswigDonaghyEstatesduringamusicvideo.

GHOSTFACEKILLAH(CONT’D)

’CAUSEIGETRAWANDTAKENAMES/JUSTLIKELEBRONJAMES/ANDDONAGHYKINDARHYMES

WITHPARTY/WHICHIS

COOL–

Hetakesanothersip,reacts,disgusted.

GHOSTFACEKILLAH(CONT’D)

Igottatakeabreak.Ican’tdrinkanymoreofthis.Mytummyhurts!

TheLordsentmeJohnRiggi,whouponfirstmeeting

lookedlikeanangrylongshoremaninadenimjacketandaskullcap,butturnedouttobeasensitiveItalianboyfromCincinnatiandanexcellentcook.MVPepisode:104,“BlindDate.”MVPjoke:

LIZ

YoumeanGretchenThomas?Thebrilliantplasticsengineer-slash-lesbian?

(offhispuzzledlook)

WhatmadeyouthinkIwasgay?

JACK

Yourshoes.

Lizlooksdownathershoes.Theyareprettyborderline.

LIZ

Well,I’mstraight.

JACK

Thoseshoesarebi-curious.

OuryoungestwriterwasDonaldGlover.HehadjustgraduatedfromNYU’swritingprogramandwasstilllivinginadormandworkingasanRA.DonaldwasouronlyAfricanAmericanwriteratthetime,buthisreal

diversitywasthathewasouronly“coolyoungperson”whocouldtelluswhatthe“kidswerelisteningtothesedays.”Also,becausehecamefromalargefamilyinGeorgia,hewasveryhelpfulinwritingforthecharacterKenneththePage.MVPjoke:ascenewhereJenna(JaneKrakowski)istryingtoteachKenneth(JackMcBrayer)howtobragabouthimselfinapassive-aggressiveway.

JENNA

Notevena“backdoor”brag?

KENNETH

What’sa“backdoor”brag?

JENNA

It’ssneakingsomethingwonderfulaboutyourselfintoeverydayconversation.LikewhenItellpeople,“It’shard

formetowatch‘AmericanIdol,’becauseIhaveperfectpitch.”

KENNETH

Oh…ew.

JENNA

Nowyoutry.

KENNETH

It’shardformetowatch“AmericanIdol”’causethere’sawaterbugonmychannelchanger.

It’shardformetopinpointwhatIlikemostaboutthatjoke.IsitthatKennethistrulyincapableofbragging?TherevelationthatKenneth’sapartmentiscrawlingwithwaterbugs?No,Ithinkit’stheuseofthegrandmotherlyexpression“channel

changer.”

AsforRobertCarlock,hisstrengthsareeruditereferences,absurdjokeconstructions,andWhiteMaleMalaiseinamulticulturalworld.MVPepisodes:105,“Jacktor”;215,“SandwichDay”;310,

“Generalissimo”;416,“Apollo,Apollo.”MVPjoke:toomanytoname,butthe

characterthatflowsfromhimthemostfreelyisDr.LeoSpaceman(ChrisParnell).Attheendofseason1,Jacksuffersaheartattack.HisunscrupulousshowbizdoctorcomesouttothewaitingroomtogiveLiz,Jack’smother(ElaineStritch),andJack’sfiancée(EmilyMortimer)aprognosis.

Dr.SpacemanentersfromI.C.U.Hislabcoatiscovered

inblood.Thewomenallgasp.

DR.SPACEMAN

What,this?No,no,Iwasatacostumepartyearlierthisevening…andthehostess’sdogattackedmesoIhadtostabit.

PerhapstheCarlockianworldviewisbestsummedupbythisexchangefroma

recentepisode,whenTracyarrivesatthehospitaljustafterthebirthofhisdaughter.

TRACY(O.C.)(CONT’D)

Whyisthebabycoveredingoop?!

DR.SPACEMAN(O.C.)

Becauseeverythingaboutthisisdisgusting!

TakingtheWorldbyStorm!(StormDowngradedtoLightRainby

WeatherExperts)

WepremieredonWednesday,October11,2006,at8:00P.M.andwewereaninstanthit—likefigsfordessertorbringingyourguitaroutataparty.WewereNewCoke!

Wewerenotahit.

Butwebarreledaheadknowingthatwe’datleastcomeoutofthiswithDVDstoshowourfriends.Thestoryideascamefastandfuriousinthebeginning.“WhatifTracywentoffhismedicationandstartedhallucinatingalittlebluedudeeverywhere?”Sure.“WhatifJennawasinamoviecalledTheRuralJurorandnoonecouldunderstand

herwhenshesaidthetitle?”Fine.“WhatifwedoastoryaboutLizbeingcalledacunt?”Whywouldn’twe?Thathadhappenedtomeplenty!*

Youknowthatsaying“Danceasifnooneiswatching”?Well,that’swhatweweredoing.Weweredancingwithabandon,andnoonewaswatching.Actually,aboutfiveandahalfmillionpeople

werewatching,butthatcountsasnothing.InmyChicagotheaterdays,therulewastherehadtobemorepeopleintheaudiencethanonthestageorwecancelledtheshow.AlthoughonceIdidatwo-womanplaycalledIronmistressforanaudienceoftwo.Sofivemillionpeopleseemedprettygoodtome.ButbackwhenFriendswasinitsprime,theyhadabouttwenty-fivemillionviewers.

Wewereinjeopardy.

Idon’tthinkRobertCarlockunpackedhissuitcasethatwholefirstyear.Heprobablydidn’tevenbuyfullgallonsofmilk,assumingwe’dbecancelledanyminuteandhe’dhavetochugthewholethingandgetbackontheplanetoLosAngeles.

Iproceededwiththeblitheconfidenceofamoron.Iwas

thebabyinthemovieBaby’sDayOut,toddlingdownthestreet,completelyunawarethatananvilhadjustfallenbehindme.*Conversely,everytimetheofficephonerang,Robertputhiscoaton.Thatwastheburdenofhishigherintelligence.

Weworkedincrediblyhardthatfirstyear,andeveryyearsince.CarlockandIcan’tbelieveweusedtocomplain

aboutthehoursatSNL,whichnowseemlikeacakewalk.Especiallyforme,becausethat’sallIdidmyfirsttwoyearsatSNL:walkaroundandlookforcake.Forcontext,I’veattachedachartthatshowstherelativestresslevelsofvariousjobs.

JeffZuckerandNBCpresidentofPrimetimeDevelopmentKevinReillyprovedtoberealchampions

oftheshow.WestartedmakingjokesaboutNBCanditsthenparentcompany,GE,almostimmediately.Wedidn’thaveanythingagainstGEorevenreallyknowanythingaboutGE,butwehadpaintedourselvesintoacornerbymakingitJackDonaghy’sworkplaceintheshow.WhenCarlockgotacallonedayfromawomanintheGELegalDepartmentdisputingtheaccuracyofa

GEmentioninoneofourscripts,wewereconfusedandnervous.Whydoestheparentcompanyhaveourscripts?Isthisgoingtohappeneveryweek?Don’ttheyknowI’mthebabyfromBaby’sDayOut?ApparentlyitwasMr.

Zuckerwhopersonallyintervenedandexplainedtohismorecorporatepeersthatthesewerejustjokesandweweretobeleftalone.Maybe

heassumedwe’dbedeadsoon.Whateverthereason,IappreciateNBCforlettingusmakejokesaboutthemallthetime.Idon’tthinkABCorCBSwouldstandforthatabuse,andI’llprobablyneverfindout.

Doing,Learning,Dying

Weshoot30Rockonfilm,likealittlemovieeachweek.Thismeansthatwefilm

everylineofdialogueaboutfivetimesfromaboutfivedifferentangles.Everytimeweswitchanglesittakesabouttwentyminutestomovethecamerasaround.Everyfiveminutesthecamerasrunoutoffilmandwehavetoreload.Ifsomeone’sgettingonourfakeelevatorinascene,itusuallytakesanextrafivetriestohavetheelevatordoorcloseattherighttime.You

don’tevenwanttoknowwhathappensifthere’sadog,cat,parrot,baby,orpeacockintheshot.Andworstofall,ourcastandcrewlikeoneanotherandenjoylivelyconversations.Allthisjocularityaddsuptoaboutfourteenhoursaday.

(Ifweshotonthisnewfangledhi-defvideoitwouldgofaster,butwewouldlooklikethezombie

backupdancersinThriller.)

Weonlyshootinthis“singlecamera”stylebecauseitiscurrentlythefashion.ClassicshowslikeFrasier,EverybodyLovesRaymond,andSeinfeldwereshot“multi-camera”infrontofanaudience.I’mprettysureittookaboutthreehoursaweek.Idon’tknowwhythenetwork’stastechangedtosingle-camerashows,but

there’snobuckingfashiontrends.Ifthatwerepossible,I’dstillbewearingthisamazingpairoflightbluejeansIownedincollegethathadfourbuilt-inbeltsacrossthefront.

ThatfirstseasonwhenweshotonlocationinManhattan,peoplewouldstoptowatchbeforerealizingwewerenotSexandtheCity,whentheywouldleave

immediately.Ilearnedalotaboutactingthatyear.WhatIlearnedaboutFilmActingisthatit’smostlyaboutnotstandinginotherpeople’slight,andrememberingwhathandyouhadyourpapersin.Whenyoudoyour“off-camera”linesforsomeone,youtrytoputyourheadrealclosetothecamera.That’saboutit.You’reatrainedfilmactornow.

AnythingIlearnedaboutRealActingIlearnedfromwatchingAlecBaldwin.ByRealActingImean“animitationofhumanbehaviorthatisbothemotionallynaturalandmechanicallypreciseenoughastoelicittearsorlaughterfromhumans.”AlecisamasterofbothFilmActingandRealActing.

Hecanplaytheemotionat

thecoreofascene—heisfallinginlove,hismotheristorturinghim,hismentorhasbeenreincarnatedasapeacock—whilerecitinglongspeecheswordforwordandhittingallthejokeswiththerightrhythm.YouwouldbesurprisedhowmanymajorOscar-winningmoviestarscannotdothis.Thereareonlyaboutninepeopleintheworldwhocandothis;maybethreemorethatwedon’t

knowaboutinNorthKorea.

Alecknowshowtoletthecameracometohim.Hecanconveyalotwithasmallmovementofhiseyes.HespeakssoquietlysometimesthatIcanbarelyhearhimwhenI’mstandingnexttohim,butwhenyouwatchthefilmback,it’sallthere.

Itmaynothavemademeabetteractor,butatleastnowI

knowwhywhatI’mdoingisterrible.

Aftereachfourteen-houractingclasswasover,Iwouldmeetupwithfiveorsixwritersatmyapartmenttocatchuponwhattheyhadwrittenduringtheday.Duringthoseearlydayswe’dorderfoodandworkuntiloneortwointhemorning.Myhusband,Jeff,satinwhatwasmeanttobeapantryand

wrotemusictoscoretheshow.Wekeptavideobabymonitornexttothecomputerscreen,andIcouldwatchmydaughtersleepingwhileweworked.Iwouldexcusemyselfoccasionallytochangeadiaperinthenight.Usuallyforthebaby.Thesewilldefinitelybemyhappiestmemoriesofthistime,becauseeverythingIcaredaboutwaswithintenfeetofme.OnenightIputmy

daughtertobed,workedwiththewritersallnight,andinthemorningwhenshetoddledout,thewriterswerestillthere.Itwasthebestworstthingever.

Anothernighttoremember:AroundthreeA.M.,CarlockandIwereleadingarewriteinmylivingroomandrealizedthatwehadbothfallenasleepwhiletalking.Whenwewokeupafew

moments(orhours?)later,theotherwriterswerejustsittingpolitely,awaitingfurtherinstruction.Thatisadedicatedstaff.

Theonlydownsidewasthatthenextday’sworkbeganatsixA.M.Inspiteoftheexhaustion,IamproudtosayIlostmycoolonlyonce,inmykitchen.“It’stoomuch.It’sjusttoomuchwork,”Isobbedtomyhusband.Please

refertotheCoalMiningandMilitaryServicesectionsofChartAforperspective.

Iturnedtodomesticviolenceonlyonce.WeweregoingtobedatthreeA.M.,knowingwe’dhavetogetbackupatfivethirtyA.M.,andmyhusbandkepttalkingandtalkingasajokewhenIwastryingtofallasleep.Hisexhaustionhadgivenhimthegiggles,andhekeptpoking

meandwakingmeupsayingthingslike“Hey,Igottaaskyouonemorething.Doyoulikepretzels?”IflewoffmypillowandshovedhimsohardacrossthebedthatIsawgenuinefearflashacrosshisface.Itwasoneoftheveryfew“deletedscenesfromStar80”inmylife.

ThereisoneotherembarrassingsecretImustreveal,somethingI’venever

admittedtoanyone.

Thoughwearegratefulfortheaffection30Rockhasreceivedfromcriticsandhipsters,wewereactuallytryingtomakeahitshow.Weweren’ttryingtomakealow-ratedcriticaldarlingthatsnarledinthefaceofconventionality.WeweretryingtomakeHomeImprovementandwediditwrong.Youknowthose

scientistswhoweredevelopingablood-pressuremedicineandtheyaccidentallyinventedViagra?WeweretryingtomakeViagraandweendedupwithblood-pressuremedicine.

Nomatterhowmanytimeswetriedtocourse-correcttheshowtomakeitmoreaccessible—slowthedialoguedown,tellfewerstoriesperepisode,stop

puttingpeopleinblackface—theshowwouldendupcareeningofftherailsagain.Inmylimitedexperience,showsarelikechildren.Youcanteachthemmannersanddresstheminlittlesailorsuits,butintheend,they’regoingtobewhothey’regoingtobe.

Byepisodeeleven30Rockhadreallyfounditsvoice,anditwasthevoiceofa

crazyperson.Theepisodeendedupbeingcalled“BlackTie,”butwhilewewereshootingwereferredtoitas“Good-bye,America.”Wewerecomingtotheendofourinitialorderandtherewasnosignofourbeingpickedupagain.Theotherreasonwewerecallingit“Good-bye,America”wasbecausethisepisodewasnuts.Ifwehadanyconcernthattheshowwastooweirdtosucceed,we

certainlyweren’thelpingourselveswiththisone.ThemainstoryoftheepisodeisthatAlec’scharacter,JackDonaghy,attendsabirthdaypartyforhisfriend,aninbredAustrianprincenamedGerhardtHapsburg.

GerhardtHapsburgwasplayedbyPaulReubens,thegeniusknowntomostasPee-weeHerman.

Paulcommitteddeeplytohisrole.Hechosetowearfaketeethandpalemakeup,andhehadonetinyivoryhand(yearsbeforeKristenWiig’stinyhandsonSNL,ourwriterswouldwantmetopointout).Incaseyouwerewonderingif30Rockwouldeverbeacommercialhit,lookatthispicture.

Inthestory,Jenna(JaneKrakowski)isdeterminedto“GraceKelly”herselfbymeetingandmarryingGerhardtandbecomingaprincess.Thisculminatesina

scenewhereshedancesfortheprince.

Janedanced(likenoonewaswatching)asPaulimprovised,callingoutdifferentdancestyles:“Jazz!Tap!

Jitterbug!Charleston!Interpretive!Twirl!Twirlagain!Keeptwirling!”AfterheprofesseshisloveforJennaandshereciprocates,

Gerhardttakesasipofcelebratorychampagne,knowingthatitwillkillhimbecausehismalformedbodycannotmetabolizegrapes.Hediesimmediately.Thiswasourbestattemptatwritingasitcom.

PoorGerhardtservesasametaphorfortheshowitself—strangebutnotstupid,desperatetobelovedbutabhorrenttomost.Aproud

memberofanaristocracythatnolongerexisted—networktelevision.

SomeUnsolicitedTheoriesAboutTelevision

Gerhardt’spictureleadsmetosomethingelseI’dliketoacknowledge,whichiswhatahuman-lookingcastweare.Sure,AlechasamoviestarfaceandJaneisleggyandblond,butthecumulativeage

ofourseriesregularsis210,andeventheAfricanAmericansamongusareprettypasty.Ipersonallylikeacastwithalotofdifferent-shapedfacesandweirdlittlebodiesandadiversearrayofweakchins,becauseithelpsmetellthecharactersapart.Whenactorsaretoogood-looking,Ican’tmemorizethem.Forexample,IhaveneverseenapictureofSiennaMillerwhereIdidn’tsay,

“Thatgirl’spretty.Whoisthat?”

Foryearsthenetworkshavetriedtore-createthesuccessofFriendsbymakingpilotafterpilotaboutbeautifultwenty-somethingslivingtogetherinNewYork.Beautifultwenty-somethingslivinginLosAngeles.Beautifultwenty-somethingsinvestigatingsexychildmurdersinMiami.

Thistemplateneverworks,becauseexecutivesrefusetorealizethatFriendswastheexception,nottherule.ThestarsofbelovedshowslikeCheers,Frasier,Seinfeld,Newhart,andTheDickVanDykeShowhadnormalhumanfaces.Andthat’swhatsomeofthepeopleonourshowhave.

WhenyouwatchedSanfordandSon,youdidn’twantto

havesexwitheverybodyyousaw,justGrady.I’veneverunderstoodwhyeverycharacterbeing“hot”wasnecessaryforenjoyingaTVshow.It’sthesamereasonIdon’tgetHooters.Whydoweneedtoenjoychickenwingsandboobiesatthesametime?Yes,theyareanaturalandbeautifulpartofthehumanexperience.Andsoareboobies.Butwhyatthesametime?Goingtothe

bathroomispartoflife,butwewouldn’tgotoarestaurantthathadtoiletsforseats…orwouldwe?ExcusemewhileIcallmybusinessmanager.

Hesaidit’sa“nonstarter.”TheyalreadyhavethatinJapan.

Theweekafter“Good-byeAmerica,”weshotepisodetwelve,whichwascalled

“TheBabyShow.”Itwasofficiallythelastshowofourorder.Membersofourcrewwerecallingaroundlookingfortheirnextjob.Onset,peoplestartedeyeingthefurniture,wonderingwhatitwouldgoforintheCancellationFireSale.

DonFeyhappenedtobevisitingthesetthatlastweekwhenKevinReillycalledtosaythatwewerepickedup

fortherestoftheseason.Imayneverknowwhytheychosetokeeptheshowgoing(AlecBaldwin),butmyproudestmomentasanadultwaswalkingbackontothesoundstageandtellingeveryonetheystillhadjobs.(MyproudestmomentasachildwasthetimeIbeatmyunclePierreatScrabblewiththeseven-letterwordFARTING.)

ByMarch,thefirstseasonof30Rockwascomplete.(Fortherecord:noepidural,groupvaginaldelivery,didnotpooponthetable.)ThatSeptemberwewontheEmmyforOutstandingComedySeries.

Now,IknowI’mnotsayinganythingthathasn’tbeensaidhundredsoftimes,but30Rockistheperfectsymbolforthepro-lifemovementinAmerica.Here’sthislittle

showthatnoonethoughtwouldmakeit.I’msureNBCconsideredgettingridofit,butbythetimewewontheEmmy,theyweretoofaralong.

Asthemotherofthisnowfive-year-oldshow,wouldIstillratherhaveabig,strongTwoandaHalfMenthanoursicklylittleprogram?No,Iwouldnot,becauseIlovemyweirdlittleshow.Ithinkthis

showwasputonearthtoteachmepatienceandcompassion.

“TheDaysAreLongandtheYearsAreShort”

—Stay-at-HomeMomsandSexWorkers

Nowthatwe’vefinishedseason5,it’stimetostartshoppingforparachutesagain.RobReinerwasa

guestontheshowthisyear,andhewentoutofhiswaytotellusalltoappreciatethisjob.Jobslikethisarespecialandtheydon’tlastforever.Noneedtoremindme,MichaelStivic.Ihaveseenmyfuture,anditisaweight-lossgameshowonLifetime.AndIdon’tevenwin.

HereareanswerstosomeFAQabout30Rock:

Q:IsAlecBaldwinreallyleavingshowbusiness?

A:Idon’tknow,butwedohaveacontingencyplan:aslightlyoutoffocusBillyBaldwin.

Q:IsTracyMorganaswildandcrazyashischaracter?

A:There’sonlyonewayforyoutofindout.DriveacrosscountrywithhiminaPrius.

Q:WillJackandLizever“hookup”?

A:Inspiteoftheir“SamandDiane”sparring,theirrelationshipwillremainmorelike“NormandCliff”—makingoutwhiledrunkandthendenyingit.

Q:Whenisiton,again?

A:Thursdaysateither10:00or8:30or…youknowwhat?

JustDVRit.

Q:WheredidyoufindGrizzandDotcom?

A:GrizzandDotcomwerebornadorableandfullyclothedandfoundnestledinafield.TheyweretheinspirationfortheCabbagePatchdollsandtheCabbagePatchdance.

Q:Whenarewegonnasee

moreofPeteandthewriters?

A:Season9.

Q:HasTracyMorganeverFrench-kissedanNBCexecutive?

A:Yes,butonlyatanofficialNBCevent,andonlyagainstherwill.

Q:IsJackMcBrayerreallylikehischaracter?

A:No,Jack’scharacterisasimplefarmboyfromStoneMountain,Georgia.Jackhimselfwouldbeuselessonafarm,andhe’sfromthebank-robberyandteen-sex-scandalmetropolisofConyers,Georgia.

Q:HowcomeLizLemontalkssomuchaboutfoodandovereatingbutshe’snotfat?

A:ThecharacterLizLemon

hasarareconditioncalled“orophasmia,”whereeverythingsheeatsimmediatelyfallsoutherbottomlikeaghost.Thiswasestablishedinepisode219,“TheOneAboutLiz’sOrophasmia,”intheroller-coasterscenewithEmmy-nominatedgueststarMarisaTomei.

Q:Is30Rockthemostracistshowontelevision?

A:No,inmyopinionit’sNFLfootball.Whydotheyportrayallthoseguysasmurderersandrapists?

Q:HowmanyjanitorsworkatTGS,thefictionalshowwithintheshow?

A:Wehaveestablishedeightdistinctjanitorialcharacters.Joe,Subhas,OldJanitor,Rolly,Khonani,Euzebia,Rosa,andJadwiga.Action

figuresareintheworks.

Sarah,Oprah,andCaptainHook,orHowtoSucceedbySortofLookingLikeSomeone

IwouldneverhavemadeitintothecastofSaturdayNightLiveifI’dhadtogoaboutitintheregularway.Whenpeopleauditionfortheshow,theyhavetostandonthehistoricSNLhomebase

stageandtrytogetalaughfromthefourorfivestone-coldstrangerswatchingthem.Theyhavetodemonstratetheirfunnycharactersandvoices,ofwhichIhavenone.Myownchildcouldtellyouthatmy“funnyvoices”arecompletelyderivativeandmyMr.Smeeimpressionsoundsnothingliketheguyinthemovie.

IendeduponTVbecause

LorneMichaelslikestopromotefromwithin.WhenhehadtochoosewhowouldreplaceDavidLettermaninLateNightonNBC,hepickedunknownformerSNLwriterConanO’Brien.WhenitwastimetopicknewanchorsforWeekendUpdatein1999,hedidanationwidetalentsearchthatwentallthewayacrossthehall.Heletoneoftheheadwritersoftheshow—me—doascreentest

withcastmemberJimmyFallon.BythetimeItestedfortheshow,Ihadalreadyworkedthereforthreeyears.Iwasn’tintimidatedbyanyoneintheroom,andIalreadyhadadayjobattheshowtofallbackon.Ididn’thavetodocharacters,justreadjokeswithoutmessingup.

ThetimingoftheWeekendUpdateturnoverwas,atthat

pointinmylife,theluckiest,craziestthingthathadeverhappenedtome.

Inrehearsingforthescreentest,IrealizedthatIcouldn’tseethecuecards.I’vewornglassestoseefarawaysinceIwastwenty-one,butIonlyneedthemforafewactivities,likegoingtothemovies,findingOrion’sbelt,andreadingcuecards.SoIwenttothedoctorandgotmy

firstpairofcontactlenses.ThedayofthescreentestIspentabouttwenty-fiveminutesnervouslytryingtogetthelensesontomyeyeballs.Rightupuntilcameratime,Iwassweatyandgreenfromhavingtotouchmyowneyeballslikethat.Ifyou’veneverhadtodoit,I’dsayit’snotquiteasquease-makingaswhenyouloseyourtamponstring,butequallyqueasishtoaself–

breastexam.Ifyouaremale,Iwouldlikenittotouchingyourowneyeball,andthankyouforbuyingthisbook.

JimmyandIdidascreentest,asdidabunchofotherpeopleinthecastandseveralcomicsfromtheoutsideworld.BecauseJimmywasastarandLornefeltthatIwouldmakesurethewritingofthesegmentgotdone,JimmyandIgotthejob.

Wedidanothercameratestforsetandlighting.Lessthaneagertotouchmyowneyeballsagain,Ijustworemyglassesthesecondtimearound.Afterthetest,thegreatcomedywriterandchroniclerofhumanperversionsT.SeanShannon

cameuptomeandsaidinhisTexasdrawl,“Youshouldleavethemglasseson,sister.”Andso,acommonplacelibrarianfetishwasembracedforprofit.

OnceIwashiredtodoUpdate,everynowandthenthewriterswouldputmeinasketch.Thisusuallyhappenedonlyifalltheotherwomenwerealreadyinthesketchandtheyhadrunoutof

bodies.

Buttheydidn’tusememuch,becauseIcouldneverreallylooklikeanybodyelse.MollyShannonhasagreatfaceforwigs.Herfeaturesaredelicateandsymmetrical,andhercoloringisneutralenoughthatshecanplayablondCourtneyLoveorraven-hairedMonicaLewinskyandyoubuyit.MayaRudolph’sfacecanchangefrom

DonatellaVersacetoBeyoncéinaminuteandseventeenseconds.Ialwaysjustlooklikeme,inawig.(SeebelowpicturesofmenotresemblingDinaLohan,JaniceDickinson,orBarbaraPierceBush.)

TheclosestIevercametolookinglikeanyoneelsewaswhentheytriedtodressmeuplikeabeardedladyfromthecircusandIlookedjust

likemybrother.Ithassomethingtodowiththefactthatmyeyesandeyebrowsareverydarkbutmyskinisverypaleandmynoseiskindoflong.Iwasabsolutelyuselesswhenitcametobeingalook-alike.

SoYouCanImagineMySurprise…

SoyoucanimaginemysurpriseonAugust29,2008,

whenmyhusbandcalledmeintotheroomtowatchCNN.JohnMcCainhadselectedfirst-termAlaskagovernorSarahPalinashisrunningmate,andtwothingswereobviousrightaway.One,thiswasacravenattempttolureHillaryvotersawayfromObama,andtwo—“Shekindoflookslikeyou,”myhusbandsaid.Iscoffed.Itwasjustthatshehadbrownhairandglasses.Butthee-

mailsstartedcoming,fromfriendsandcousinsandcoworkers.Peopleseemedtothinkwereallylookedalike.Themostpowerfulmindsintheworld—cablenewsanchorsandInternetusers—startedspeculatingastowhetherIwouldplayheronSaturdayNightLive.

Wehadalreadydonetwofullseasonsof30Rockandwerejustbeginningtoshootseason

3.IfIhadbeenwonderingwhetherpeoplewereawareofthenewshow,theanswerwasnowclear;theywerenot.NoonehadevennoticedthatIdidn’tworkatSaturdayNightanymore.Also,nooneseemedtorememberthatwhenIdidworkthere,Ionlydidthenews.Theydidn’tcare.Theywereinablindfrenzy.“Brownhair!Glasses!”

InaShockingTurnofEvents…

Inashockingturnofevents,OprahWinfreyhadexpressedtheslightestpoliteinterestinbeingon30Rock.Desperatetofindalargeraudience,wejumpedatthischancelikemethheadsoveracoughsyrupcounter.RobertCarlockwroteahilariousscriptwhereLizLemonmeetsOprahonaplane.(You

canbuyitoniTunes!)WesentthescripttosomewomenatHarpo,whotoldusthatOprahlikeditandtheyweresureshewoulddoit.Wewereecstatic.Asthesummerworeon,however,itbecameclearthatOprahhadnotactuallyseenthescript.InlateAugust,Oprah’schiefofstaff(Iamnotjoking)hadcalledtosaythatOprahwasreallysorrybutshewouldnotbeabletodotheshow.This

wasplannedasoursecondepisodeoftheseason,andOprahwasirreplaceableinit.Wehadalreadyshothalftheepisode.Ifthisfellapartnow,itwouldcosttheshowhundredsofthousandsofdollars.Ihadthenerve-rackingtaskofgettingonthephonewithMs.Winfreyandtryingtotalkherintoit.Iamterribly,terriblysuitedforsuchjobs.I’mshyandhavenosalesmanship—Iam

actuallyabletoconveysweatypalmsoverthephone.Ididn’ttrytosellMs.Winfreyonthecomedyoftheepisode;insteadIappealedtoherknowledgeoftelevisionschedulesandhowroyallycornholedwe’dbeifshedeclined.Shelistened,becausesheissmartandgenerous.Sheagreedtoletusdoarewriteofthescriptandconsiderit,butIknewthatuntilthatOprahfootagewas

“inthecan,”Iwouldcarryaroundaveryspecificformofphysicalanxietythatfeelskindoflikemyheartshrinkinguplikearaisin.

Meanwhile,AcrossTown…

Meanwhile,acrosstown,thestaffofSaturdayNightLivewaspreparingtostarttheirseasonearly,onSeptember13,tocoverthisveryimportantnationalelection.

Theshowisalwaysexcitingduringelectionyearsandhasprovenitspoliticalrelevancetimeandtimeagainoveritsthirty-five-yearrun.(IhavetoincludesentenceslikethatbecauseI’mtryingtogetcollegecreditforthis.)OnSeptember3,2008,thengovernorPalinacceptedthevicepresidentialnomination.Aroundthissametime,Oprahformallyagreedtobeon30Rock,anditwasdetermined

thatmydaughter’sthird-birthdaypartywouldhaveaPeterPantheme.Eachoftheseeventswasequallyimportantinmylife.

LorneandIdiscussedtheoverwhelmingpublicopinion(hyperbole)thatIshouldplayGovernorPalin.Apparently,thatmorningbothLorne’sdoormanandRobertDeNirohadstoppedhimtosayhowuncannytheresemblance

was.DidwedaredisappointFranktheDoormanandRobertDeNiro?

LorneandIsharedthesamehesitation:Ifeveryoneintheworldhadthesamecastingidea,itcouldn’tpossiblybeagoodidea,right?WhenyouworkatSNL,peoplecomeuptoyouallthetimeandsaystufflike“Youknowwhatyoushoulddo?Askitaboutmybrother-in-law,”or“You

shoulddoaskitwhereTigerWoodsandObamaaregayforeachother.”Or“Thatshowhasn’tbeengoodsincetheseventies.”Peoplealwayshavelotsofopinionsabouttheshowandthey’reneverright,sowhywouldtheyberightnow?

ButLorneisalsoanold-schoolproducer,andsomewheredeepdownIthinkheknewthatifhecastmein

thepart“bypopulardemand,”evenifIsucked,itmightbeagoodrating.Agoodratingisagoodrating,evenifpeopletuneinjusttobemadabouthowmuchitsucked.

Wedecidednottodecide.ThisisanothertechniqueI’dlearnedfromLorne.Sometimesifyouhaveadifficultdecisiontomake,juststalluntiltheanswer

presentsitself.

Backat30Rock…

Backat30RockwescheduledourshootingdaywithMissOprahWinfrey.ShegenerouslyofferedtoflyinonSaturday,September13,topickupherscenes.Thiswasperfect.Icouldsafelyplanmydaughter’spartyforSundaythe14th.Theonlyremainingproblem

wasthatIcouldnotfindPeterPanplatesorcups.YoucanfindTinkerbellorCaptainHook,butnoPeterPan.WasDisneyinsomekindoflegalconflictwiththeJ.M.Barrieestate?Therewasnotimetogetinvolvedinthat!Ihadlessthanaweek!CaptainHookcupsmixedwithTinkerbellplateswouldhavetosuffice.

Itwasfourdaysuntilthe

seasonpremiereofSNLandstillnodecisionfromLorne.Iwaswalkingaroundthe30RockofficestellingeveryonethatIcouldn’tpossiblyplayPalin—IwastoobusyandIdidn’tdoimpressionsandit’simportanttosaynosometimesandIcouldn’tpossiblycommittoit—butinthebackofmyhead,Iwasveryawarethatnoonehadactuallyaskedmetodoit.“Hashecalledyouyet?Has

hecalledyouyet?”myfriendswereasking.Nope.Islumpedagainstmylockerandtwirledmyponytail.

IhadarrogantlythoughtitwasallaboutmeandwhetherIfeltlikedoingit,butofcourseitwasLorne’sdecisiontomakeandnotmine.It’shisshow.

Stilltryingtocontrolthesituation,IcalledLorne’s

officeonWednesdayeveningaftertheirread-throughandleftamessagetosayIdidn’twanttoplayPalin,shoulditcomeup.Mycallwasnotreturned.

OnWednesdaynight,AliceandIdrewapictureofPeterPantohangupattheparty.Iexplainedtohertheapparentlicensingproblemwiththeplates.Shewasunderstandingandsuggestedwerelaxby

pretendingtobeWendyandamermaidforthenextsixty-fiveminutes.

OnThursday,Oprah’sofficecheckedintosaythatshehadheardImightbedoingSaturdayNightLivethatSaturdayandwouldIratherreschedulehershoot?No,no,no!Getthe“O”inthecan,forthesakeofmyheartraisin.

ThursdaymorningIcheckedthestatusofmyAmazon.comorder.ThebirthdaypresentIhadorderedwasnothereyet.IalsostartedpeekingatYouTubeclipsofSarahPalin.Howhardcouldthatvoicebe?

OnThursdayevening,LornecalledtosaythatSethMeyershadwrittenapieceandIshouldcomeoverlateFridayeveningandrehearseitwith

Amyandifitdidn’tfeelright,someoneelsewoulddoit.

Irambledthroughmyconcerns.KristenWiigwouldbebetteratit.(Lorneagreed.)IfeltthatwhateverIappearedin,peoplewouldassumethatIwroteitandthatitwasexpressingmypersonalopinions.Theseweredelusionsofgrandeur,ofcourse;remember,noone

evennoticedthatIhadquit.

Regardless,Ididn’twanttobeastockcharacterthatanywriteronthestaffcouldmakeuseof.Ididn’twant,forexample,toplaySarahPalininasketchabouthowHillaryClintonwasajealousdykeorsomething.

Also,Iwasskittishtodopoliticalcomedyaftergettingmyselfintotroubleafew

monthsbefore.

MyMouthGoesintoPolitics.TheRestofMeIsForcedtoFollow.

AftertheWriters’GuildofAmericaStrikethatChangedtheWorldin2008,IwasaskedtohostthefirstSaturdayNightLivebackontheair.Finally,theworldwouldseemyfullrangeofcomedycharacters—from

grouchylibrariantoRussianlibrarian.

SethandAmyaskedifIwantedtocomeonWeekendUpdatetodoa“WomanNews”segment.

ThepiecetheUpdatewritersandIthrewtogetherwasmeanttobeaboutthewayHillaryClintonwasbeingtreatedandperceivedduringthecampaign.Itwasmeantto

pointoutthatAmericaseemedmorecomfortablewithamaleminoritycandidatethanawhitefemalecandidate.Itwasmeanttodiscuss(injokeform)thatpeopledidn’ttaketoHillarybecauseofthisvaguefeelingthatshewaskindofabitchandhowunfairthatwas.Itwasmeanttobeaboutgenderpolitics,notactualpolitics.

Whatcameoutwasanovert

HillaryClintonendorsement.

Itwasn’tthatIdidn’tlikeMrs.Clintonasacandidate;it’sjustthatWeekendUpdatefeaturesarewrittensohastily.Ifyou’rehosting,youdon’tevenstartwritingthemuntilSaturdayafternoon.It’snosurprisethattheycancomeoutsloppyandstrident.Iwasinthehost’sdressingroombetweendressrehearsalandair—feelinglikeStallone,

butwithoutthecigarortheniceteeth.Ijustwantedtheshowtobegood.IneededapunchierendingtotheHillaryClintonUpdatepiece,andmyfriendandmakeupartistRichardDeansuggested“Bitchisthenewblack.”Itmadesenseinthecontextofthepieceandwascertainlypunchy.Also,itwasabout11:10P.M.,soyeah,let’sgowiththat.

IwouldhavechosentostopshortofbeingovertlypoliticalifI’dhadmoretimetosmoothitout,becauseone:Ithinkit’smorepowerfulforcomediansandnewsanchorstobeimpartial,andtwo:Iamacoward.

ThenextdayObamasupportersontheHuffingtonPostwereoutraged.FormerpresidentClintoncalledmeathometothankme.Mrs.

Clintoncalledlaterthatsamedaytothankme,provingthatBillisjustatinybitbetterattheflash-charm-handshakepartofpolitics.

WhenItoldmymomthatformerpresidentClintontoldmeI“didagreatthingformycountry”indefendingMrs.Clintonlikethat,shemadeabarfingsound.DidImentionthatmyparentsareRepublicans?

Fridaycame,andIknowwhatyou’rewondering—yes,theImaginextpirateshipandseamonsterIhadordereddidarrive,andIwrappedtheminmydressingroombetweensetups.Ishotfortwelvehoursatthefake30Rock,then,afterinspectingthecleanlinessofOprah’sairplanesetanddressingroomforthenextmorning,*Iheadedovertothereal30RockatabouttenP.M.to

rehearsewithAmyPoehler.ItookcomfortknowingthatAmycouldcarrythesketchifIstunkitup,becauseshe’ssuchaskilledandgenerousperformer.Imean,she’snoKattaninadress,butconsideringtheDarwinianlimitationsonwomenincomedy,shedoesverywellforherself.

Wewentoutonthestudiofloorinfrontofthecrew,and

Itentativelytriedoutmyhalf-bakedimpression.Nottheworst.Significantroomforimprovement.

BecauseSethandIhadwrittenforrealimpressionistslikeDarrellHammondovertheyears,weknewtherewerecertaintrickswecouldemploy.Whateversoundsarehelpfultotheimpression,youuseasmanyofthemaspossibleinthewriting.For

Palinitwasalotof“hardR’s.”Wordslike“reportersandcommentators.”Wordsyoucan’tsay,youavoid.Forexample,I’veneverbeenabletofigureouthowshesays“Todd.”Amyaddedjokes.Iaddedsomejokes.Thewholeprocesswaspleasantandcollaborativeandeasy.

Saturday,September13,IgotupatsixA.M.andfilmedmysceneswithOprahat

SilvercupStudiosinQueens.Shewasgreat.Shereallydoessmellnice.AndIgottohugheralotinthescenes.(Ifyou’renotintoiTunes,youcanbuy30RockonDVDatyourlocalWalmart.)BetweensetupsIsatwithmydaughteronmylapandwatchedGovernorPalinonYouTubeandtriedtoimprovemyaccent.Oprahseemedgenuinelyconcernedforme.“Howmuchrehearsal

timeareyougoingtoget?”“Doyouhavetapesofhertolistento?”“You’regoingthererightafterthis?!”(Bytheway,whenOprahWinfreyissuggestingyoumayhaveoverextendedyourself,youneedtoexamineyourfuckinglife.)Around5:30

P.M.,OprahandIwrappedandIwentovertoSNL,butnotbeforestealingan

untouchedEdibleArrangements®bouquetfromOprah’sdressingroomtoserveatthebirthdaypartythenextday.

Therestofthenightwentthusly:IgottoSNL,Itriedonmywigandoutfit,AmyandIdidthesketchthreetimes—run-through,dressrehearsal,andlive—andthatwasit.By11:40P.M.,Ihadtherestoftheshowtorelaxandhavea

glassofwine.ItwasactuallythefirstnightoutmyhusbandandIhadinmonths.

Thewholeexperiencewassurprisinglyserene.Maybeit

wasbecausetheOprahfootagewas“inthecan”andmyheartcouldstopeatingitself.MaybeitwasbecauseIwassafeatthesideofmysweetfriendAmy.MaybeitwasbecauseIknewIcouldn’tgetfiredbecauseIdidn’tevenworkthereanymoreanyway.ObviouslyabigpartofitwasthatSethhadwrittenaverygoodsketch.Iwasnotnervousatall,anddoingthatsketchon

liveTVwasapurejoyIhadneverbeforeexperiencedasaperformer.

Hereisthesketch…

Thissketcheasilycouldhavebeenadumbcatfightbetweentwofemalecandidates.WhatSethandAmywrote,however,wastwowomenspeakingouttogetheragainst

sexisminthecampaign.Inreallifethesewomenexperienceddifferentsidesofthesamesexismcoin.Peoplewhodidn’tlikeHillarycalledheraballbuster.Peoplewhodidn’tlikeSarahcalledherCaribouBarbie.Peopleattemptedtomarginalizethesewomenbasedontheirgender.Amy’sline“Althoughitisneversexisttoquestionfemalepoliticians’credentials”wasbasicallythe

thesisstatementforeverythingwedidoverthenextsixweeks.Notthatanyonenoticed.Youallwatchedasketchaboutfeminismandyoudidn’tevenrealizeitbecauseofallthejokes.It’slikewhenJessicaSeinfeldputsspinachinkids’brownies.Suckers!

Thatnight’sshowwaswatchedbytenmillionpeople,soIguessthat

directoratTheSecondCitywhosaidtheaudience“didn’twanttoseeasketchwithtwowomen”cangoshitinhishat.

Thenextday’sbirthdaypartywasalsosuccessfuland,Ibelieve,hadanequalimpactonthe2008presidentialcampaign.Specialthankstomysister-in-lawDee,whobroughtmacaroniandcheese,andJessie,whomadejerk

chicken.Hereisanow-historicphotoofmyfriendMichael’spirateshipcake.

Thenextfewweekswereveryexciting.OnWednesday,mydaughterstartedpreschool.TheSundayafterthat,30Rock

wonsevenEmmys.Meanwhile,onceaweek,Iwenttomygoof-aroundnightjobanddidthesesketches,andthisiswhatIrememberaboutthem.

Week2:KatieCouricInterviewsSarahPalin

IthinkAmywouldwantmetosayshe’sverypregnantinthisphoto.

SethhadoriginallywrittenapiecewithSarahPalin“inone,”whichmeansbyherself,talkingstraighttothecamera.IaskedifwecouldchangeitsoIcouldbewithAmyagain.Sincemybackground

isimprovisationandnotstand-up,Ireallypreferthebuddysystemonstage.TheKatieCouricinterviewwasbasicallyasketchhandedtousonaplate.

Sethquicklywroteadraft,andbecauseIwaswatchingMrs.PalinoverandoveragainonYouTubetotrytoimprovetheimpression,IaskedSethifIcouldputinthislongramblingrunaboutthebailoutthatwasmostlyjusttranscribed.

Bythesecondweek,Irealizedwhatmadethisexperiencesofunanddifferent.Forthefirsttime

ever,Iwasperforminginfrontofanaudiencethatwantedtoseeme.Ihadspentsomanyyearshandingoutfliers,beggingpeopletocheckoutmyimprovteam.Iwassousedtotryingtowintheaudienceoverorjustgetpermissiontobetherethatawillingaudiencewasanincredibleluxury.Itwaslikehavingaweightliftedoffyou.Ithought,“Thismustbewhatit’slikeforDarrell

whenheplaysBillClinton.”OrforTracyMorganwhenhedoesanything.Peoplearejusthappytoseethem.

Week3:TheVicePresidentialDebate

Thiswasmyfavoritesketch,andtherearethreereasonswhy.

One,IfeltlikeIcontributedalotofjokestothisone,somy

writeregolikesitthebest.

Two,QueenLatifahwasthere.

Three,IthoughtthespeechesthatJimDowneywroteforJasonSudeikisasJoeBidenwerebrilliant.EspeciallythestuffwhereBidenistryingtoprovethathe’snotsomeWashingtonelitebytalkingabouthowhe’sfromScranton,Pennsylvania,“the

mostgodforsakenplaceonearth.”Ithoughtthatwasingenious,becausenotonlywastheadhominemattackonScrantonahilariouscomedyleftturn,italsoexemplifiedwhattheelectionhadbecome.Insteadoftalkingaboutissues,everybodywastryingtoprovehow“down-home”theywere.“I’mjustlikeyou”wasthesubtextofeveryspeech.

Politicsandprostitutionhavetobetheonlyjobswhereinexperienceisconsideredavirtue.Inwhatotherprofessionwouldyoubragaboutnotknowingstuff?“I’mnotoneofthosefancyHarvardheartsurgeons.I’mjustanunlicensedplumberwithadreamandI’dliketocutyourchestopen.”Thecrowdcheers.

TwojokesIremember

writingforthedebatesketcharethisoneaboutglobalwarming:GwenIfill

SenatorPalin,addressyourpositiononglobalwarmingandwhetheryouthinkit’sman-madeornot.

Gov.SarahPalin

Gwen,wedon’tknowifthisclimatechangehoozie-what’s-itisman-madeorif

it’sjustanaturalpartofthe“EndofDays.”

Andthisone:

GwenIfill

GovernorPalin,wouldyouextendsame-sexrightstotheentirecountry?

Gov.SarahPalin

Youknow,Iwouldbeafraid

ofwherethatwouldlead.Ibelievemarriageismeanttobeasacredinstitutionbetweentwounwillingteenagers.

Thisjokeaboutthe“sacredinstitutionofmarriage”wasprobablytheroughestjokewedid.

“Rough”insketchcomedylanguagemeansharshordark.AsI’msureyou

remember,Mrs.Palin’sdaughterBristolwaspregnantatthetimeandengagedtoherhighschoolboyfriendLeviJohnston.ThisjokewasrightontheedgeofbeingtoodirectlyaboutthePalinfamily.Ifelt,however,thatbecauseBristol’spregnancyandsubsequentengagementhadbeenembracedbysomanypeopleasashiningexampleofthepro-lifemovement,itwasofficially

partofthecampaign.Also,thejokewasn’tthatrough.Anexampleofatrulyroughjokewouldbethis:

Apedophilewalksthroughthewoodswithachild.Thechildsays,“Thesewoodsarescary.”Thepedophilesays,“Tellmeaboutit.Ihavetowalkbackthroughherealone.”

Thatisaroughjoke.

Or:

SarahPalin:Tothinkthatjusttwoyearsago,Iwasasmall-townmayorofAlaska’scrystalmethcapital.AndnowIamjustoneweirdmoleawayfrombeingpresidentoftheUnitedStates.

AJohnMcCainskincancerjoke?Toorough.ThatwasajokeItriedindressrehearsalintheSarah-Hillarysketch.

MyfriendJenRogers,whoisacancersurvivor,thoughtitwasfunny.Thestudioaudiencedidnot.

IrememberverydistinctlywalkingoffstageafterLatifahyelled“LivefromNewYork,”thinkingthatthiswasthemostfun,excitingthingIwouldeverdo.Irememberthinkingthiswasa“permanentwin.”Noonewouldeverbeabletotakeit

awayfromme.Theproofexistedpermanentlyontapethatonthisoneoccasion,Iwasfunny.

Hereatthemidwaypointofmysix-weekcareer,thesketcheswerereallybecoming“athing.”

TheywerebeingwatchedaroundtheworldontheInternet.AFrenchnewspaperaccidentallyranapictureof

AmyandmefromtheKatieCouricsketchthinkingitwasapictureofCouricandPalin.

AlthoughIthinkthathadlesstodowiththe“powerofsatire”andmoretodowiththefactthattotheFrench,weareallindistinguishablefatdoughballs.

AndOh,theCableNewsReportage!Thegreatthingaboutcablenewsisthatthey

havetohavesomethingtotalkabouttwenty-fourhoursaday.Sometimesit’sAndersonCoopergigglingwithoneoftheRealHousewivesofAtlanta.Sometimesit’sRickSanchezscreamingaboutcornsyrup.Theyhaveendlesstimetofill,butviewersgetkindof“bummedout”iftheysupplyactualinformationaboutwarsandstuff,so“MediaPortrayalofSarahPalin”andSNLandI

becamethecarrageenaninAmerica’snewsnuggetsforseveralweeks.Iwasacablenewsstar,likeasharkoramissingwhitechild!

Thedownsideofbeingacablenewsstaristhatanyasshairwithaclip-ontiecancomeonasan

“expert”totalkaboutyou.Oneday,byaccident,IcaughtthistoolTom

somethingonMSNBCsayingthathethoughtIhadnot“conductedmyselfwell”duringallthis.Inhisopinion,Mrs.PalinhadconductedherselfwithdignityandIhadnot.(I’mprettysureTom’sonlyclaimtoexpertiseisthatheoverseesawebsitewherepeopleguessincorrectlywhomightwinshowbizawards.)TherewasapatronizingattitudebehindTom’scommentsthatIcertainly

don’tthinkhewouldhaveappliedtoamalecomedian.ChrisRockwastouringatthetimeandhewasliterallycallingGeorgeW.Bush

“retarded”inhisact.Idon’tthinkTomsomethingwouldhaveexpresseddisappointmentthatChriswasnotconductinghimselfsweetly.Ilearnedhowincrediblyfrustratingitistowatchsomeonetalksmack

aboutyouandnotbeabletorespond.

Thiskindofanger,Isuspect,isthemainthingMrs.PalinandIhaveincommon.Whensomeonesayssomethingbadaboutus,wewanttorespond.

However,I,asanexperiencedmemberoftheEastCoastMediaElite,knowthatyoucan’teventry.Youcanragetoyourspouseall

youwant,butthemomentyoupostInternetcommentsunderanassumedname,orcallinspontaneouslytoaradioshowtoassertthatyouarenot“abutterface,”orwritethatlettertoLisadeMoraesoftheWashingtonPostinstructingherto“gosuckabagofdicks,”

youhavecrossedtheborderintoCrazytown,nevertoreturn.

AroundThisTime…

AroundthistimemyoldfriendDamianHolbrook,awriterforTVGuide,hadarrangedtointerviewmeforthenewfallseason.(DamianandIdidSummerShowtimetogether.*InamedthecharacterDamianinMeanGirlsafterhim.)

Hespentthedayonthe30Rocksetandcameovertomy

apartmentfordinnerafterward.

Damianhasagreatsenseofhumorandwelaughedalot.Afterdinner—longafterwhatIconsideredthe

“interviewportion”ofourdaytobeover—DamianaskedmewhatIwoulddoifMcCain-Palinwontheelection.WouldIcontinuetomoonlightatSNL?Isaidina

jokey,actress-yvoice,“Iftheywin,IwillleaveEarth.”Itwasclearlyajokeaboutpeoplewhosaystupidthingslikethat.Nomatterwhatyourpoliticalbeliefs,everyoneknowssomeloudmouth:“IfBushwins,I’mmovingtoCanada.”“IfBushwinsagain,IamseriouslymovingtoCanada.”“IfObamawins,I’mgoingtoshootthat*#%*@.”Etc.

ButDamianput“I’mleavingEarth”inhisarticle,andinprintitlookedsincerelyidiotic.Hiseditorleakeditinadvanceoftheissuetogenerateattentionforthemagazine.Cablenewstookthebaitandranwithit.IlookedlikeagradeAdummy.IwasannoyedatDamian,butmostlyIjustfounditdisconcerting.ThatIcouldgetin“trouble”forahalf-bakedjokeImadeinmy

ownhomewasalevelofscrutinyIdidnotenjoy.

Mybrothercalledme,genuinelyconcerned.IshouldwatchwhatIwassayingbecausethereare

“alotofnutsoutthere.”Ihungupthephoneandburstintotearsinthe30Rockwriters’room.PoorMattHubbardwatchedmymeltdownwithalookof

concernanddisgustusuallyreservedforwatchingyourmomvomit.

Week4:WeekendUpdatePrime-TimeSpecialwithWillFerrell

SNLwasdoinghalf-hourspecialsonThursdaynightsat8:30.Iwasabletobeinone,inwhatcanonlybedescribedas“MyTriptoSketchComedyFantasy

Camp.”IgottostandnexttoWillFerrellasGeorgeW.BushandDarrellHammondasJohnMcCain.Thesetwodudesarethemasters.DarrellisaprecisetechnicianwhocandoanyonefromJesseJacksontoDonaldTrumptoAlGore.Will,ontheotherhand,isanimpressionistinthestyleoftheImpressionists.Histechniqueisloose,borderingonrandom,butwhenyoustep

backhehasrenderedGeorgeW.Bush.

IfDarrellisdaVinci,WillisMonet,andIamme,inawig.

Thissketchhadadifferenttonethantheothersketchesbecauseitwaswrittenbytheworld’snumberonecomicgenius,AdamMcKay(Anchorman,TalladegaNights).ItwasaboutGeorgeW.BushtryingtoendorsetheMcCain-PalinticketandJohnMcCaintryingtoavoidtheendorsement.

It’sworthpointingoutthatthissketchwasthetipping

pointformyRepublicanparents.Theyhadbeenasexcitedandentertainedasanyoneforthefirstfewweeks.Maybethetoneofthissketchwasmoreaggressive,ormaybethecablenewscyclehadwornthemdownintothinkingwewerebeingmean,buttheendresultwasascoldingfrommymom:“It’sgettingtobetoomuchnow.”

Week5:The“Sneaker

Upper”

“SneakerUpper”isatermthatveteranSNLwriterJimDowneycoinedtodescribethatqueermomentwhenafamousperson“sneaksup”behindtheactorwhoplaysthemandpretendstobemadaboutit.IwouldexpandJim’sdefinitiontoincludeanytimesomeonebeingparodiedvolunteerstocomeontheshowandprove

they’re“inonthejoke.”ComedywritershateSneakerUppers.Onapurewritinglevel,it’sjustlame.Butlikeotherlamethings—sorbet,linedancing,NewYear’sEve—peopleseemtoloveit.I’mnotsayingI’maboveaSneakerUpper.DuringmytimeatSNLIwasinvolvedinatleastfiveofthesethings.TheyvariedinsuccessandincludedpeoplerangingfromDebbieMatenopoulosto

MonicaLewinsky.

IfyouwerehavingaSneakerUpperweek,yourcoworkerswouldasksympathetically,“How’sthatgoing?”Whatcouldyoudo?SomeweeksyougottoproduceapurelittlecomedypiecethatwasdeartoyourheartandhadagreathostlikeAlecBaldwinorJuliaLouis-Dreyfusinit.Someweeksyouhadtositandtakenotesfromthe

smallestHansonbrotheraboutwhatjokeshedidn’tcarefor.TheSneakerUpperisjustanoccupationalhazard,andasoccupationalhazardsgo,it’smuchbetterthangettingyourarmcaughtinthethresher.

WhatI’mgettingtois,duringweekfive,SarahPalin’scampaignpeoplecalledLornetosayshe’dliketobeontheshow.Iwasagainstit.

One,itwasaclassicSneakerUpper,andwehadbeensosuccessfulonawritingleveluptothatpoint.

Two,thingsweregettingtense.McCain-Palinsupporterswereyellingracistinvectiveatrallies,andthecampaignwasn’texactlyshuttingthatbehaviordown.Ididn’twanttojokearoundandhugheroncameraandbeperceivedasendorsingtheir

campaign.

Three,IhadseenfootageofGovernorPalinandhersweetlittlestdaughter,Piper,gettingbooedataFlyersgame.(Classy,hometown,realclassy.)IwassurethattheliberalNYCstudioaudienceforSNL

wouldbootheshitoutofher.Ididn’twantthattohappenandIdefinitelydidn’twantto

standnexttoherwhilethathappenedandhaveitseemlikewehadlaidatrapforher.Ididn’twanttobecomplicitinanuglylive-TVmomentduringwhatwasbecominganincreasinglyuglycampaign.

Lornedidn’tthinkitwouldbeaproblem.However,Lornewasalsoridingthreeweeksof7+

ratings,andtherealMrs.

Palinwouldsurelyexceedthat.Shewasratingsgold—purenuggetsof“ratingsgold”justwaitingtobeextractedfromtheteethofacorpse.(InthismetaphorI’mnotsureifthecorpserepresentsmycareer,theMcCaincampaign,orbroadcasttelevision.)ItoldLornethatiftherealgovernordidtheshow,Iwouldsitthisoneout.LornesuggestedInotdecidesoquickly.Heand

IbothknewthatthingshadgottensoweirdinthecablenewscyclethatifIdidn’tshowup,itwouldbejustasmuchofafakenewsstory.TheCNNcrawlwouldhaveread,“MEAN

GIRL:FeyrefusestoappearwithPalin.Palinsupporterscallthemove‘un-American’and‘vaguelyJewish.’Tonightat9ESTRickSanchezuncoverstheCorn

SyrupMyth…”

Itreallywasacatch-22forme,unlessLornewouldjustdeclinetohaveheron.Andthatwasn’tgoingtohappen.Seeabovere:ratingsgold.

IwashurtthatLornewouldputmeinthisposition.Atthesametime,itisneverlostonmethathealso“putmeintheposition”ofbeingonTVinthefirstplace,whichnoone

elseintheworldwouldhavedone.Trustme,Iusedtoauditionforthings.

IcalledLorneandsaidIwoulddotheshowbutthatitwasveryimportanttomethatweprotectGovernorPalinfrombeingbooed.Isuggestedthathestartwithherbackstageinthe8Hhallway.Theliveaudiencewouldonlyseeheronthemonitorsand,notknowingif

whattheywereseeingwasliveorpretaped,theywouldbelesslikelytoboo.

Myonlyotherrequestwasthis:Ineverwantedtoappearina“twoshot”withMrs.Palin.Imean,shereallyistallerandbetterlookingthanIam,andwewouldliterallybewearingthesameoutfit.

I’dalreadybeenmadetostandnexttoJenniferAniston

andSalmaHayekoncamerainmylife;agalcan

onlytakesomuch.Andhonestly,Iknewthatifthat

pictureexisted,itwouldbewhattheyshowontheEmmyssomedaywhenIdie,andI’dreallyrathertheyshowthispicture.

LornecalledbackthenextdaytosayhehadanideaandSethwasworkingonadraft.We’dstartwithmeinafakepressconference,thencuttoLorneandGovernorPalinbackstage.ItwasLorne’sideatohaveAlecBaldwin

there,too.

AsabelovedSNLhostandaknownliberalcrusader,AlecstandingnexttoSarahwouldsendoutan“everybodybecool”messagetotheaudience.

WerehearsedonSaturdayafternoonasusual,butthistimetherewasmassivesecurityinthebuildingforthevicepresidentialnominee.

ImetMrs.Palinonthestudiofloorwhenwecameouttorehearse.Shewasinfullhairandmakeupbecauseshe’dcomestraightfromacampaignstop.Ihadmyhairinaponytailandlookedmytrademarkexhausted.WeshookhandsandIblurtedout,“Don’tworry,they’llputmakeuponme.”Aswetookourplacestorehearse,mydaughterpointedanimatedlyatGovernorPalinonthe

monitor.“She’sconfused,”Mrs.Palinlaughed.

Wedidn’thangoutmuch,butwechattedalittleaboutchildren.SheofferedherdaughterBristoltobabysitAliceduringtheshowifneedbe.Ithankedher,sayingAlicewastoolittletostayfortheshow.Shealwayswenthomewithherdadafterthedinnerbreak.Ican’timagineBristolwouldhavebeentoo

psychedtodothatanyway;itwashereighteenthbirthday,shewasinNewYorkCity,andIhadmadeaviciousjokeaboutheraweekearlier.ButIappreciatedthemom-nessofMrs.Palin’soffer.Shemightaswellhavesaid,“Youguysneedtotakethesesetsdowntonight?CuzIcangetTodddownherewithaMakita.”

Mrs.Palin’swholecampwas

helpful.Herhairstylistmadeadjustmentstomywigtomakeitevenmorelikethegovernor’shair.Hermakeupartistidentifiedthelipcolorthatwe’dbeentryingtofigureoutforfourweeks:Itwasjustlipliner,underChapstick.

Andthenitwas11:30.

SethwroteanadmirableSneakerUpper.Somesolid

jokesatthetop,andAlecwasfunnywithherbackstage.Therewastherequisiteamountofsweatyfeignedsurprise.

GovernorPalinandIcrossedpathsforjustaninstant,andwhenshetookcenterstageshewasgreetedwithalongroundofapplause.I’dliketothinkthatmysuggestionofstartingherbackstagepaidoff,butmorelikelyIhad

underestimatedwhatagiantmediastarSarahPalinwas;eventheNewYorkiestaudiencewasgiddytoseeherinperson.

AftertheshowIfeltcompelledtofindMrs.Palininherdressingroomandsaygood-bye.“Goodjob.Youshouldcomebackandhostsometime,”Isaid.Shecertainlycouldhandleit.Andthen,“Now,you’regonnatell

everyoneyouhadagoodtimeinNewYorkCity,right?Andthateveryonewasreallynicetoyou?”Mrs.Palinsmiledandnodded.“Yep.Nobodywasscaryoranything.”Icouldn’tbelievethecondescensionthatwascomingoutofmymouth.IwastalkingtothiswomanlikeIwasremindingachildtosay“please.”IguessIwasjusthopingthatwhereverthecampaigntookherthenext

day,shewouldincludeNewYorkCityasoneofthe“pro-America”partsofhercountry.

Inmyopinion,themostmeaningfulmomentforwomeninthe2008campaignwasnotGovernorPalin’sconventionspeechorHillaryClintonconcedingher1,896delegates.Themomentmostemblematicofhowthingshavechangedforwomenin

Americawasnine-months-pregnantAmyPoehlerrappingasSarahPalinandtearingtheroofofftheplace.

WatchingAmyrapmademesohappythatshehadfoundawaytomakerealcomedyoutofaSneakerUpper.Thevirtuosityandjoyfulnessofherperformancemademefeellikeitwastimeformetohandthisjobbacktotheprofessionals.Ifeltlikethat

characterinFlowersforAlgernon.NotCharlie,theladyteacherfromthecollegewhorealizes,“I’vegottostopdry-humpingthismentallychallengedguy!”

Theratingwasa10.7/14millionpeople.

OneMoreWeirdTime,andThat’sIt?

Theweekbeforetheelection,

JohnMcCainwantedtocomeontheshow.IhadmetSenatorMcCainwhenhehostedSNLin2002,andwealllikedhimverymuch.(Hewasnotoneoftheunnamedd-bags.)IhadevenspentadaywithhiminDC.HegavemyhusbandandmeatouroftheSenatebeforeweposedtogetherforthis“getoutthevote”coverofLifemagazine.

(Themagazinewentunderimmediatelyafterthis,bytheway.)Diditseeminsanethatapresidentialcandidatewouldwanttoappearinasketchparodyinghisrunningmatejustdaysbeforetheelection?Sure,butwhatdidn’tseeminsanethen?AKenyanCommunistMuslimwasabouttobeelectedpresident.SethwroteasketchaboutMcCain-PalinbuyingtimeonQVCasalast-ditch

efforttoreachvoters.

Forthelasttime*Janethemakeupartistoverdrewmylipstomakemymouthlookwider.Louisgluedmyearsdown(myearsstickoutandSarah’sdon’t)andBettypoppedonmylongbrownwig.IwenttoSenatorMcCain’sdressingroomtoreadthroughthecuecardswithhim,andhestartedlaughinguncomfortablywhen

hesawme.“It’sjustweird,”hesaid.

Andthatwasit.WehadgonethroughtheentirelifecycleofanSNLcharacter—fromfirst-timejitterstoSneakerUpperto“Thisagain?”—insixweeks.

OneofthebestpartsofallthisisthatmydaughtermayactuallyhavechildhoodmemoriesofgoingtoSNL.I

leftsosoonaftershewasborn,Ididn’tthinkshewouldknowthatplaceorthosepeople,butnowshewill,whichmeansalottomebecausethatwasmyhomeforalongtime.

OneoftheworstpartsofallofthiswasthatIlearnedwhatitfeltliketobealightningrod.Igotsomehatemail,andtherearedefinitelypeopleouttherewhowilldislikemefor

therestofmylifebecauseof“whatIdid”toSarahPalin.Onanintellectuallevel,thisdoesn’tbothermeatall.Onahumanlevel,Iwouldprefertobeliked.TherewasanassumptionthatIwaspersonallyattackingSarahPalinbyimpersonatingheronTV.Nooneeversaiditwas“mean”whenChevyChaseplayedGeraldFordfallingdownallthetime.NooneeveraccusedDanaCarveyor

DarrellHammondorDanAykroydof“goingtoofar”intheirpoliticalimpressions.YouseewhatI’mgettingathere.IamnotmeanandMrs.Palinisnotfragile.Toimplyotherwiseisadisservicetousboth.

Afewmonthsafterourfriendlychataboutkids(andmycondescendingremarksaboutNewYork),Mrs.Palintoldconservativefilmmaker

JohnZieglerthatKatieCouricandIhadexploitedandprofitedbyherfamily.ButIknowbetterthantorespondtoattacksinthemedia.AlthoughifIweretorespond,Iwouldprobablyjustsay,“Nicerealityshow.”OrmaybeI’dpointoutthatwhenthosesketcheswerewatched58milliontimesontheInternetaroundtheworld,Iwaspaidnothingbecauseactorsdon’tgetanymoney

forInternetreuse.(Getreadyforanactors’strikein2012.)ButI’dprobablyjustknowbetterthantorespond.

SomemayarguethatexploitingGovernorPalinandherfamilyhelpedbringattentiontomylow-ratedTVshow.Iamproudtosayyouarewrong.MyTVshowstillenjoysverylowratings.Infact,IthinkthePalinstuffmayhavehurttheTVshow.

Let’sfaceit,betweenAlecBaldwinandmethereisacertainfiftypercentofthepopulationwhothinkwearepinkoCommiemonsters.

There’saDrunkMidgetinMyHouse

Ah,babies!They’remorethanjustadorablelittlecreaturesonwhomyoucanblameyourfarts.

Likemostpeoplewhohavehadonebaby,Iamanexpertoneverythingandwilltellyou,unsolicited,howtoraiseyourkid!

Breast-feedingv.Formula

Inventedinthemid-1800sasalast-ditchoptionfororphansandunderweightbabies,packagedinfantformulahassincebeenperfectedtobeacompleteandreliablesource

ofstressandshameformothers.Anyonewhoreadsapregnancybookknowsthatbreastmilkprovidesnutrition,immunities,andinvaluablebondingtime.Thebreastisbest.Unlessyouneedtogetbackonyourpsychmedsorsomething,inwhichcasegiveyourbabyCrystalLightontheGoorwhateverittakesforyoutonotgocrazy.

Butifyou’rehealthy,youreallyshouldnurse.Youoweittoyourbabytobreast-feed.

WhenIwaspregnant(remember,Iwaspregnantonce,andI’monTV:Thosetwothingscombinedmakemeanexpert)Iwasconfusedastowhyalltheliteratureaboutbreast-feedingwassurroundedbyadsforformula.

Thefreemagazinesinmydoctor’sofficeallsaidthesamethingintheirarticles:“Breast-feedingisbestforyourbaby.”Butoverwhelmingthosearticleswerepagesofheartwarmingfull-coloradssayingthingslike:

“Yourbabydeservesthebest.INFAMILK,nowwithmoreCrypthecodinium!”

“DOCTORSSAYbreastfeedorifyou’reanadoptivemotherTRYSIMIMIL.”

“10outof100,000doctorssayEnfanteprobablydoesn’tcauseblindness.”

“Nootherformulagivesyourbabyabetterstartinlifeexceptthatstuffthatcomesoutofyouforfree.”

ShouldIbreast-feedornot?I

askedmymotherforadvice.“Don’teventryit,”shesaid.Thisisagenerationaldifference.Thisisthesamewomanwhotoldmetorequest“twilightsleep”duringdelivery.(Twilightsleepisthememory-erasingpainmedicationthatdoctorsgavewomeninthe1950swhenevertheyhadtotakeababyoutorputabodysnatcherin.)Icouldneverhavechosentwilightsleep

becauseIwantedtobepresentformybirthexperienceandalsoitisnolongeroffered.MymomisaDepressionbaby.AsamemberofGenerationX,Iwasmoreinformed,moreempowered,andIknewthatwhenitcametobreast-feedingIhadanobligationtomybabytopretendtotry.

Ichosetobreast-feed,anditwasanamazingtimeinmy

life.Itreallychangedmeasawoman,andit’sthemostgratifyingthingI’veeverdone.*

Therearealotofdifferentopinionsastohowlongoneshouldbreast-feed.TheWorldHealthOrganizationsayssixmonths.TheAmericanAssociationofPediatricssaysoneyearisideal.Motheringmagazinesuggestsyounursethechild

untiljustbeforehisrehearsaldinner.Isayyoumustfindwhatworksforyou.Formylittleangelandmethemagicnumberwasaboutseventy-twohours.

Webeganourbreast-feedingjourneyinthehospitalunderthetutelageofanencouragingIrishnightnursenamedMary.Wetriedthefootballhold,thecross-cradlehold,andoneIliketocallthe

BretMichaels,whereyoukindoflieoverthebabyandstickyourbreastinitsmouthtowakeitup.Wedidn’tsucceed,sothatfirstnighttheothernursesgavemylittleonesomeformulawithoutasking.Itriedtobeappalled,butIwasprettytired.Oncewegothome,wetriedagain.Iabandonedallvanity,asonemust,andparkeditshirtlessonthecouch.Hereweexperiencedanother

generationaldifference.GenX

wantedtosucceedatthissoshecouldtellpeopleshedidit,andlittleGenZwantedmetohandoverthatgoddamnformula,andshewaswillingtoscreamuntilshegotit.

OneofmyfivehundrednicknamesformydaughterisMidge,whichisshortforMidget,becauseshewasa

verysmallbaby.Shewasbornaweekearlyandalittleunderweightatfivepoundssevenounces.MyobstetriciansuggestedthenextdayatherbedsidevisitthatperhapsIhadn’trestedenoughduringmypregnancyandthatwaswhyshewassosmall.“Whatacunt,”Ithoughttomyselfinwhatwaseitheraflashofpostpartumhormonesoranaccurateassessmentofmydoctor’s

personality.

SowestartedsupplementingMidgeregularlywithformula.ShewassmallandIdidn’twanthertogetanysmallerwhileImasteredtheancientartofbreast-feedingtoprovehowincredibleandimpressiveIam.Ofcourse,Istillprovidedherbreastmilk.Youmust,must,mustprovidethemwithbreastmilk.Youoweittoyourbaby

togetthemthatbreastmilk.Here’showitworks.

Ifyouchoosetonotloveyourbabyenoughtobreast-feed,youcanpumpyourmilkusingabreastpump.(Thismaybeeasierforthemodernmombecauseitisanexpensiveapplianceandwe’remorecomfortablewiththosethanwithbabies.)Setupapumpingritualforyourselfthatisrelaxingand

consistent.IchosetopumpeverytwohourswhilewatchingepisodesoftheHBOseriesEntourageOnDemand.Overthewhirofthemilkingmachine,IcouldalmosthearmybabybeinglovinglycaredforintheotherroomwhileTurtleyelledacrossanSUV,“YoE,youeverfuckagirlwhileshehasherperiod?”Iwasabletodothisforalmostsevenweeksbeforerunningoutof

Entourageepisodesandsinkingintoadeepdepression.

Shortlythereafter,wemadetheswitchtoanall-formuladiet.Ifyou’veeveropenedacanofinfantformulamix,thenyouknowitsmellslikesomeonesoakedoldvitaminsinabucketofwetleaves,thendriedtheminahotcar.Also,formulaislikefortydollarsacan.Theykeepit

lockedupbehindthecounterwiththebatteriesandmethingredients.That’showbadpeoplewantthisstuff!

However,thebabywasthriving.Iwasnolongerfeelingtrapped,spendingthirtyoutofeveryninetyminutesattachedtoaWilliams-SonomaTitJuicer.ButIstillhadanoverwhelmingfeelingofdisappointment.Ihadfailed

atsomethingthatwassupposedtobenatural.

Iwasdefensiveandgrouchywheneverthetopiccameup.Atapartywithafriendwhowassuccessfullynursingherlittleboy,IwatchedherhusbandproduceabottleofpumpedbreastmilkthatwasthesizeofaBigGulp.ItwasmoremilkthanIhadproducedinmywholesevenweeks—IblameEntourage.

Asmyfriend’shusbandfedthebaby,hesaidoffhandedly,“Thisstuffisliquidgold.Youknowitactuallymakesthemsmarter?”“Let’ssetadate!”Iscreamed.“IQtest.Fiveyearsfromtoday.Myformulababywillcrushyourbaby!”Thankfully,mymouthwassofullofcaketheycouldnotunderstandme.

OnceIletgoofmyguilt,whichtookawhile,theonly

remainingobstaclewastheTeatNazis.

Thesearethewomenwhonotonlybragendlesslyabouthowmuchtheirfiveyearoldstilllovesbreastmilk,buttheyalsogrillyouaboutyourchoices.YoucanrecognizetheTNsbytheirhand-carveddaggers:

“Areyoubreast-feeding?Isn’titamazing?Ireally

thinkit’showIlosttheweightsoeasily.Didyouhaveavaginalbirth?IwentnaturalandIdidn’teventear.Areyoubackatworkalready?Doyoufeelweirdaboutgoingbacktowork?IjustlovemybabysomuchIcan’timaginegoingbacktoworkyet.

You’renotnursing?She’sonlyfifteenmonths;youshouldtryagain!”

Now,letmebeclear;millionsofwomenaroundtheworldnursetheirchildrenbeautifullyforyearswithoutgivinganybodyelseahardtimeaboutit.TeatNazisareasolelywesternupper-middle-classphenomenonoccurringwhenhighlyambitiouswomenexperiencedeprivationfromoutsidemodesofachievement.TheirhighestinfestationpocketsareinBrooklynand

Hollywood.

IfyouareconfrontedbyaTN,youhavetwooptions.One,whentheyaskifyou’rebreast-feeding,youcansmileandsay,“Yes.It’samazing.”(Youoweittoyourbabytolie.)Oryoucangoforthekill.TheonlypeoplewhocanshametheTeatNazisaretheAdoptiveMommies.Ifyouhaveafriendwhohasanadoptedchild,especiallyone

fromanothercountry,bringhimorheraround,becausetheymaketheTeatNazis’brainsshort-circuit:“HowcanI…feelsuperior…you…biggersacrifice…can’tjudge…”andtheirbigol’dinnerplatenipplespopoffastheycrumpletothegroundanddisappear.

Lessonlearned?Whenpeoplesay,“Youreally,reallymust”dosomething,itmeansyou

don’treallyhaveto.Nooneeversays,“Youreally,reallymustdeliverthebabyduringlabor.”Whenit’strue,itdoesn’tneedtobesaid.

“MeTime”

Anyexpertwilltellyou,thebestthingamomcandotobeabettermomistocarveoutalittletimeforherself.Herearesomegreat“metime”activitiesyoucando.

Gotothebathroomalot.

Offertoemptythedishwasher.

Takeninety-minuteshowers.(Ifyouonlyshowereverythreeorfourdays,itwillbeeasiertogetawaywiththis.)

Sayyou’regoingtolookforthediapercrème,thengointoyourchild’sroomandjuststandthereuntilyourspouse

comesinandcurtlysays,“Whatareyoudoing?”

Standoverthesinkandeattherestofyourchild’sdinnerwhileheorshepullsatyourpantlegaskingforitback.

Trytoestablishthatyou’retheonlyoneinyourfamilyallowedtogotothepostoffice.

“Sleepwhenyourbaby

sleeps.”Everyoneknowsthisclassictip,butIsaywhystopthere?Screamwhenyourbabyscreams.TakeBenadrylwhenyourbabytakesBenadryl.Andwalkaroundpantlesswhenyourbabywalksaroundpantless.

Read!Whenyourbabyisfinallydownforthenight,pickupajuicybooklikeEat,Pray,LoveorPrideandPrejudiceormypersonal

favorite,UnderstandingSleepDisorders:NarcolepsyandApnea;AClinicalStudy.Takingsometimetoreadeachnightreallytaughtmehowtofeignnarcolepsywhenmyhusbandaskedmewhatmy“plan”wasfortakingdowntheChristmastree.

Justimplementingfourorfiveoftheselittletechniqueswillproverestorativeandgiveyoutheenergyyouneedto

notdrinkuntilnighttime.

ACelebrity’sGuidetoCelebratingtheBirthofJesus

GoldieandKurtliketosoakinthecrystalbluewatersofSt.Barts.MelanieandAntoniopreferthefestivechillofAspen.TinaandJeffareabsolutelymadforRoute80WbetweenPhiladelphiaandYoungstown!Wenever

missit.

Lyingonabeachfeelsalittle“firstthought”tome.IprefertheretrochicofspendingChristmasjustlikeJosephandMarydid—travelingarduouslybacktotheplaceofyourbirthtobecounted,withnoguaranteeofabedwhenyougetthere.YoumayendupsleepingonanoldwickercouchwithadoglickingyourfacewhileanAbRocket

infomercialplaysinthebackground.It’samodern-daymanger.

Ourannualpilgrimagefromonesetofin-lawstotheotherhappenseveryDecember26,or,astheycallitinCanada:BoringDay.

Wealwaysplantoleavearoundseveninthemorningand,likeclockwork,we’reoutthedoorbyten.After

gassingup,deicing,andturningaroundforanunanticipatedbowelmovement,weglideontoglorious80Wbytenthirty.Sure,therearethosetrendytypeswhoprefer76/70becauseit’s“morescenic”and“theyhaveaMcDonald’s,”butIthink80Whasacertaincecimedéprime.

Myhusbanddrivesthewhole

sevenhoursbecauseIdon’thaveadriver’slicense.It’sjustoneofthemanywaysinwhichIamdevelopmentallystunted.Idon’tdrive.Ican’tcookmeatcorrectly.AndIhavenoaffinityforanimals.Idon’thateanimalsandIwouldneverhurtananimal;Ijustdon’tactivelycareaboutthem.Whenacoworkershowsmecutepicturesofherdog,Istruggletorespondcorrectly,likeanautistic

personwhohasbeentaughttorecognizehumanemotionsfromflashcards.Inshort,Iamtheworst.

Thereareplentyofpositivestobeingmarriedtome.Ijustcan’tthinkofanyofthemrightnow,andI’msuremyhusbandcan’tthinkofanyofthemeitherwhilehe’sdrivingwidewaysacrossPennsylvania.

Still:There’ssomethinghypnoticandrelaxingaboutcruisingthroughtheAlleghenies,franticallysearchingforaradiosignal.Iftrafficismovingwell,youwon’teverfindastationthatlastsforanentiresong.Soyounestleinbetweenyourbaking-hotdashboardandthefreezing-colddoorandenjoytheradio’sstaticwithoccasionalfragmentsofashoutedreligiousbroadcast.

KHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—Friends,areyoulivinginsuchawaythatthereisacrowninheavenwaitingforyou?—KHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—amanmustdieofself—KHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Whenyoufeelaboutto“dieofself,”pulloverandenjoyoneofthelocaleateries.

IrecommendtheRoyRogers

atExit4BortheRoyRogersatExit78.Ifyou’readie-hard

“foodie,”hopofftheroadinDuBoisandenjoyaSubwaysandwichmadeataplacethatiseightypercentgasstation.

“Youngstown!”myhusbandalwaysyellsaswepassthesign.Heyellsitinawaythatyoucanactuallyhearthelettersgettingbiggeratthe

endlikeanold-timeypostcard.Itneverfailstostartlemeandmakemelaugh.Halfthetimeitwakesmeup.Yes,Ifallasleepwhilehe’sdriving.DidImentionthatI’mtheworst?

Inthelasthour,highwayturnstosnowycountryroadsandtheGPSsystemshutsdownbecauseyou’reinapartoftheworldthatToyotadoesn’trecognize(andthe

feelingismutual).

Wealwayspullupcarefully,makingsurenottorunoveranyoutdoorcats.(Oneofthebest-keptsecretsof“countrylife”isthatpeopleaccidentallycrushtheirownpetsalot.)Thehouseiscozywarmfromthewood-burningheater.TherearehugsandkissesandpiesandsoupandhamandbiscuitsandacontinuousflowofMaxwell

Housecoffeewithnondairycreamer.WeCityFolkcanpretendthatweprefertherotgutfromStarcorpswithskimmilkandSplenda,butwhoarewekidding?MaxwellHousewithFrenchvanillacornsyrupcannotbebeat.

Ifthere’sonethingmyhusband’shometownhasthatSt.Bartsdoesnot,it’sthewater.“Legallypotable”

doesn’tquitecaptureit.Straightfromthetapitsmellslike…HowcanIdescribeit?—ifyouboiledtenthousandeggsinaprostitute’sbathwater.Itturnsyourjewelrygreen,butitleavesyourhairsoftandmanageable.So,whileIcouldn’tfinditinSt.Barts,Icouldprobablysellitthere.

Myin-lawsalwayshaveahugedog—adogsobigthat

evenIcanseeit.ForyearsitwasRobbie.

WhenRobbiepassedawayfromsurprisinglynon-vehicle-relatedcauses,theygotBear.AnotherwaymybodyrejectsdogloveisthatIamallergictothem.ThosefirstfewChristmases,IhadtodosemyselfwithBenadryltosurvive.Iwouldendupsleepinghalfthedayandthenshufflingaimlesslyaround

thehouselikelater-yearsJudyGarlandinaChristmasspecial.Mostofmyin-lawsdidn’texperiencemyactualpersonalityuntilClaritinwasinvented.Bythenitwastoolatetogetridofme.

Mythreesisters-in-lawhavealwaysbeenwelcomingandaffectionate,andboy,cantheycleanakitchen.AfterabigfamilymealtheyrinseandscrapeanddryandSaran-

wraplikenobody’sbusiness.Ipitchinhalf-assedlylikethespoiledsuburbanyoungerchildthatIam.“Where…shouldIput…this…

chickenbone?Throwitout,or…?”Seeabove,re:“worst.”

Ican’tpromiseyouwillfindafamilyaslovelyasmyin-lawstostaywithonyourRoute80

Christmas.Honestly,Iknowyouwon’t,becausewehadMamawPearline.Pearlinewaseighty-sevenwhenImetherandshelivedtobeninety-six.ShespentalmostallhertimeupstairsinthedenwatchingTVandchain-smoking.Shehadgraduallyretiredfromworkinghardallherlife,raisingkids,cleaning,andcookinginacoalcampinWestVirginia.Shehadearnedtherightto

refertotheNationalEnquireras

“thenewspaper.”

Bythetimemydaughterwasborn,Pearline’sshort-termmemorywasgone.She’dcomedownstairsandsmileatthebaby.“Whoselittlebabyisthis?”“IT’SJEFF’S!”we’dyell.“Lookatthosedarkeyebrows.”She’dsmileandpatthebaby’shead.“Inever

sawababywithsuchdarkeyebrows!”

Then,twohourslater,she’dcomedownforacupofcoffee.“Whoselittlebabyisthis?Lookatthosedarkeyebrows!”Thiswentonforthreedays.

Forreference,thisistheswarthylittlebabyshewastalkingabout.

Wedidsevenoreight80W

ChristmasesinarowbeforeIhadtobeafoolandmesswithperfection.Whycouldn’tIbelikeGoldieandKurtandstickwithwhatworks?Icouldn’tbecauseasglamorousasthedrivealwayswas,itgotevenmoremagicalandglamorouswhenthebabybecameatoddler.Oneyear,Ibelieve,shescreamedallthewayfromHazletontotheMoshannonStateForest.

Andwhocouldblameher?Shedidn’tunderstandwhywehadstrappedherintothisfrozencontraptiononlytoshovecoldRoyRogersfriesinhermouth.

Inanattempttomakethingseasierformyself,whichisthebasisforallofhistory’sworstdecisions(see:“GeorgeW.Bush’sRepealoftheEstateTax,”“ScottPeterson’sPlan,”and“DredScottv.

Sandford”),IinvitedthewholefamilyouttoNewYorkforaChristmasadventure.IlearnedquicklythattryingtoforceCountryFolktolovetheBigCityisliketellingyourgaycousin,“Youjusthaven’tmettherightgirlyet.”Theyjustdon’tlikebigcities.It’sokay.It’snatural.Theywerebornthatway.

WhenyouseeyourBigCity

throughanon-admirer’seyesyounoticethingsyounormallywouldnot.

“Hmm.IguesstherearealotofdogturdsonEighty-thirdStreet.”

“No,it’sgreat.Wejustputourgarbageoutthebackdoorandwhenitstartstooverflowthesuperpicksitup.”

“Who,thatguy?Yeah…he’s

playingwithhimself.Okay,let’sgointheplaygroundtheotherway.”

TheChristmasinNewYorkAdventuredidn’tgosowell.Myfather-in-lawtrippedonacrackinthepavementandspenttherestoftheweekpolitelypretendinghehadnotdislocatedhisshoulder.IdraggedallthekidsontothesubwayandthroughthecrowdtoseetheRockefeller

CenterChristmastree,whichisunlikeanytreeintheworld,exceptforhundredsoftreesneartheirhomesinOhio.

IfIhadonebonetopickwiththeCountryFolks,it’sthattheyarenotgastronomicallyadventurous.Family-styleItaliansentthemallrunningfortheAlka-Seltzer.Greekyogurtleftmysister-in-lawstymied,likeIhadoffered

herabowlofcaulk.ButwhoamItojudge?Ihaveneverbeenabletogetmyheadaroundhamsaladorpickledeggs.AndIwouldlikeitexplainedtomeinwritingwhat’ssogreataboutapplebutter.

Afterfourdays,Icouldseethecitywearingthemdown.Itwastoomuchwalkingforthem,oddly.ItturnsoutCityFolkwalkwaymorethan

CountryFolk.

Myyoungnephewwenttothedeliwithme.“Theresurearealotofforeignershere.”No,Iexplained,thosepeoplelivehere.Inthe“GreatAmericanMeltingPot,”ruralOhiomaybealumpofwhiteflourthathasn’tbeenstirredproperly.NotthatNewYorkisanybetter.NewYorkisthatchunkofgarlicthatyoubiteintothinkingit’spotato

andyoucan’tgetthetasteoutofyourmouthallday.Itallblendsonceyoumixit,butsometimesyoureallyhavetogrinditagainsttheside.

Clearlyweneededtoshakethatyearoffandtrysomethingnew.Lastyear,determinedto

“save”thefull80Wdriveuntilourdaughtercanreallyappreciateitintwentyyears

orso,Imadeanewpitch:Let’smeetinthemiddle.WechoseWilliamsport,Pennsylvania,homeoftheLittleLeagueWorldSeriesandalmostexactlyhalfwaybetweenusonthemap.

We’dspendthreedaysandtwonightsattheHolidayInnandthenheadourseparateways.Icannotemphasizetoyouhowwellthiswent…becauseIdon’tknowhowto

do“doubleunderline”onmycomputer.

Thekidsswaminthehotelpool.WedinedatRedLobster.Thereisnooneof-woman-bornwhodoesnotlikeRedLobstercheddarbiscuits.AnyonewhoclaimsotherwiseisaliarandaSocialist.Wefedfifteenpeoplefortwohundreddollars.Success!

Thenextday,whileBeyoncéandJay-ZwereprobablyhavingafrustratingtimeontheiryachttryingtofigureouttheFrenchwordforplunger,wewalkedaroundtheLycomingMall.Therewasacarouselforthekids.Later,weexchangedgiftsinthelobbybyaten-footChristmastreethatnoneofushadtoputuportakedown.Victory!

Thatnight,whileMariahand

NickshoppedfordogjewelryinAspen,weconvenedforanamazingmealatalocalinncalledtheHerdicHouse.ThisstatelyVictorianinnofferedamenuwherecityjerksandcountrycarnivorescouldfindcommonground.Porkchops,duck,pearcrisp.ThesettingwascozyandtwinklyandChristmassyinawaythatworkedforeverybody.

Ofcoursethefinalingredient

foraperfectChristmasvacationisagoodBuffer.ABufferisaneutralpartywhokeepstheconversationlight.EveryoneneedsaBuffer.Youdon’tthinkMaryandJosephwerepsychedtoseetheLittleDrummerBoy?

ThatnightattheHerdicHousemybestfriendfromhighschool,Marlene,andherhusbandjoinedusfortheevening.Shewasvisiting

familyinWilliamsport,too,andsheistheperfectBuffer.MygirlMarlenecantalktoanyone.ShecouldtalktoaFrankensteinaboutneckbolts.Shecouldtalktoyourgreat-auntJoyceaboutthetumorsofapersonshehasnevermet.Shecouldexchangee-mailaddresseswithawreath.NickandMariahwishtheyhadaBufferthisgood.Theyprobablywantedtokilleach

otherafterthreedaysofwearingmatchingskioutfitsandneverskiing.WILLIAMSPORTFORTHEWIN!

ThisChristmasI’llberidingmymetaphoricaldonkeyallthewayacross80Wagain.ButI’minsistingthatwe’rebackinNewYorkCityforNewYear’sEve,wherewedomoreofanAhab-and-Jezebelthing.

JuggleThis

MydaughterrecentlycheckedoutabookfromthepreschoollibrarycalledMyWorkingMom.Ithadacartoonwitchonthecover.“Didyoupickthisbookoutallbyyourself?”Iaskedher,tryingtobenonchalant.Yes.Wereadthebookandthewitchmotherwasverybusyandsometimesreprimandedherdaughterformessing

thingsupnearhercauldron.Shehadtoflyawaytoalotofmeetings,andthewitch’schildsaidsomethinglike,“It’shardhavingaworkingmom,especiallywhensheenjoysherwork.”Intheheartwarmingconclusion,thewitchmothermakesittothechild’sschoolplayatthelastsecond,andthewitch’schildsaysshedoesn’tlikehavingaworkingmombutshecan’tpicturehermomanyother

way.Ididn’tloveit.I’msuretheTWOMENwhowrotethisbookhadtheabsolutebestintentions,butthisleadsmetomypoint.Thetopicofworkingmomsisatap-dancerecitalinaminefield.

ItislessdangeroustodrawacartoonofAllahFrench-kissingUncleSam—whichletmemakeitveryclearIHAVENOTDONE—thanitistospeakhonestlyaboutthis

topic.

IwillstartbysayingthatIhaveonceortwicebeenoffereda“motheroftheyear”awardbyworking-momgroupsoramommymagazine,andIalwaysdecline.HowcouldtheypossiblyknowifI’magoodmother?Howcananyofusknowuntilthekidisaboutthirty-threeandallthepersonalitydusthasreally

settled?Butworkingmomswanttovalidatethatit’sokaytowork,especiallyiftheyworkatmagazineswheretheycanthenpackagethatvalidationandsellittostay-at-homemomswhoarecravingnewsfromtheoutsideworld.

Whatistherudestquestionyoucanaskawoman?“Howoldareyou?”“Whatdoyouweigh?”

“WhenyouandyourtwinsisterarealonewithMr.Hefner,doyouhavetopretendtobelesbians?”No,theworstquestionis“Howdoyoujuggleitall?”

“Howdoyoujuggleitall?”peopleconstantlyaskme,withanaccusatorylookintheireyes.

“You’refuckingitallup,aren’tyou?”theireyessay.

MystandardansweristhatIhavethesamestrugglesasanyworkingparentbutwiththegoodfortunetobeworkingatmydreamjob.

Thelongversionoftheanswerismorecomplicated.

Whenmydaughterwasabouttwo,Iwasconvincedthatourbabysitterwascuttingherfingernailstooshort.Theylookedredsometimes,and

shewasgoingbelowthewhitepart;itwasallwrong,inmyopinion.Iknowyou’rethinkingthattheobviousthingtodowouldbetopointthisouttothebabysitter.Hearmeout.

Icantelltwentycomedywriterswhattodo;Icanarguewithacabdriverabout10thAvenueversustheWestSideHighway;IwillhappilytellajokeaboutOsamabin

LadenortheKuKluxKlanonlivetelevision;butIcouldnottalktothebabysitteraboutthefingernailclipping.I’llbetyouMargaretThatcherwouldsaythesamethingifshewerealivetoday.*

Here’sthetruth:Icouldn’ttellthewomanwhosolovinglyanddevotedlywatchesmykideverydaythatIdidn’tlikehowshedid

thisonething.Ididn’twanttohurtherfeelings.

Andhere’sthenextlayeroftruth:Assomeonewhogrewupmiddle-classwithnonanniesorhousekeepersofanykind,Ididn’tknowhowtohandleit.Iwasnotjustafirst-timemother,Iwasafirst-timecross-culturalnanny-communicatorandIwasbroken.Maybethat’swhatIshouldtelltheroving

reporterfromShowbizHollywoodthenexttimesheasksme,“Isitweirdforyoubeingthebossofallthesepeople?”“Who?Theseactorsandteamstersandcameraguys?Thesedummiesdon’tscareme.

Now,canyoucallmyhouseandtellthebabysitterI’mgonnabefortyminuteslate?Pweeeeze?”

Buthere’sthedeeptruth:Ididn’twanttospendMYPRECIOUSTIMEATHOMEhavinganawkwardconversationwiththebabysitter.IJUSTWANTTOBEWITHMYKID.That’swhatitcomesdownto,really.Thebestdaysaretheoneswhereyoupassthebabysitter*intheelevator,allsmiles,andyourapartmentcontainsnoonebutyourfamilywhenyouwalkinthe

door.Ithinkmybabysitterwouldagree.ButI’mscaredtoaskher.

IwouldthinkofMidge’slittlefingersinthemiddleofabusyworkday.Iwouldtellmyself,“OnceIhavethebabyfull-timetomyself,everythingwillbeeasier.”Andthenithitme;thatdaywasnotcoming.This“work”thingwasnotgoingaway.Therewasnoprolonged

stretchoftimeinsightwhenitwouldjustbethebabyandme.AndthenIsobbedinmyofficefortenminutes.Thesametenminutesthatmagazinesurgemetouseforsit-upsandtricepsdips,Iusedforsobbing.OfcourseI’mnotsupposedtoadmitthatthereistriannualtorrentialsobbinginmyoffice,becauseit’sbadforthefeministcause.Itmakesitharderforwomentobetaken

seriouslyintheworkplace.Itmakesitharderforotherworkingmomstojustifytheirchoice.ButIhavefriendswhostayhomewiththeirkidsandtheyalsohaveatriannualsob,soIthinkweshouldcalliteven.Ithinkweshouldbekindtooneanotheraboutit.Ithinkweshouldagreetoblamethechildren.Also,mycryingthreetimesayeardoesn’tdistractmefrommyjobanymorethanmymale

coworkersgetdistractedwatchingMarchMadnessorshootingoneanotherwithNerfguns,or(tostopgeneralizing)spendingtwentyminutesonthephonebookingadoggyhotelfortheirpitbullbeforeatriptoItalywiththeirsame-sexpartners.

Aftersobbing,Ialwaysfantasizeaboutquittingmyjob.“Wedon’tneedalotof

money!”Itellmyself.“Wedon’tliveextravagantly;wejustliveinanexpensivecity.IfwemovedtoalittlehouseinthemiddleofPennsylvaniawecouldlivelikekingsformuchless!Andwe’dallbetogetheralldayandwe’llmakecupcakesandplantagarden!AndIwouldbetaller!Yes,somehowIwouldbetaller.”Myreverieisinevitablyinterruptedbysomeonewhoneedsmetoget

backtowork.TherearealmosttwohundredpeoplewhoworkonthisTVshowwithme.Alotofthemhavekidsthattheymissalldayjustlikeme;theykeepthesameterriblehoursasIdo;butunlikeme,theyarenotworkingattheirdreamjob.Theyneedthisjobtopaytheirbills,andifIflakedoutandquit,theirjobswoulddisappear.

Also,therearemanymomentsofmyworkthataredeeplysatisfyingandfun.Andalmostasmanymomentsoffull-timemotherhoodthatstinklikeAxebodysprayonabrickofbleucheese.*

SowhatdidIdoaboutthekid’snails?Ihopeyoudon’tthinkIletmylittleonewalkaroundwithsorefingers.

Ididthelogicalthing,oratleastwhatcountsaslogicalinthefancylifeIhavemadeformyself.

FirstthinginthemorningwhilemydaughterwasonthepottyIwouldcuthernailsbeforeIleftforwork.

Atfirstshedidn’twantto(understandably,sinceshewasusedtoithurtingalittle),butIconvincedherbycutting

thenailsalmostallthewaylefttorightandthenlettingherhavethehonorofpullingtheclippingtherestofthewayoff.Theprocesswaspreposterouslyslow,butwewerehuddledtogetherandwetoldstoriesaswewent.Thisisoneoftheweirdthingsaboutmotherhood.Youcan’tpredictthatsomeofyourbestmomentswillhappenaroundthetoiletatsixA.M.whileyou’reholdingapileof

fingernailclippingslikeaSanteriapriestess.

It’sthreeyearslaternow,soI’dliketobelievethehouseholdcommunicationhasgotteneasier.

Forexample,Icanwhispertomynowfive-year-oldkid,“TellJessienottocutyournailssoshort.Bye!”

andrunaway.Mydaughter

andIcanhaverealconversationsnow.ItoldherthatIdidn’tlikeitthatthemommyinthebookwasawitch.Thatithurtmyfeelings.Andshelookedatmematter-of-factlyandsaid,“Mommy.Ican’tread.IthoughtitwasaHalloweenbook.”

TheMother’sPrayerforItsDaughter

First,Lord:Notattoos.MayneitherChinesesymbolfortruthnorWinnie-the-PoohholdingtheFSUlogostainhertenderhaunches.

MayshebeBeautifulbutnotDamaged,forit’stheDamagethatdrawsthecreepysoccercoach’seye,nottheBeauty.

WhentheCrystalMethisoffered,

Maysheremembertheparentswhocuthergrapesinhalf

AndstickwithBeer.

Guideher,protecther

Whencrossingthestreet,steppingontoboats,swimmingintheocean,swimminginpools,walkingnearpools,standingonthesubwayplatform,crossing

86thStreet,steppingoffofboats,usingmallrestrooms,gettingonandoffescalators,drivingoncountryroadswhilearguing,leaningonlargewindows,walkinginparkinglots,ridingFerriswheels,roller-coasters,logflumes,oranythingcalled“HellDrop,”“TowerofTorture,”or“TheDeathSpiralRock‘NZeroGRollfeaturingAerosmith,”andstandingonanykindof

balconyever,anywhere,atanyage.

LeadherawayfromActingbutnotallthewaytoFinance.

SomethingwhereshecanmakeherownhoursbutstillfeelintellectuallyfulfilledandgetoutsidesometimesAndnothavetowearhighheels.

Whatwouldthatbe,Lord?Architecture?Midwifery?Golfcoursedesign?I’maskingYou,becauseifIknew,I’dbedoingit,Youdammit.

MaysheplaytheDrumstothefieryrhythmofherOwnHeartwiththesinewystrengthofherOwnArms,sosheneedNotLieWithDrummers.

GrantheraRoughPatchfromtwelvetoseventeen.

LetherdrawhorsesandbeinterestedinBarbiesformuchtoolong,ForChildhoodisshort—aTigerFlowerblooming

Magentaforoneday—

AndAdulthoodislongandDry-HumpinginCarswillwait.

OLord,breaktheInternetforever,

ThatshemaybesparedthemisspelledinvectiveofherpeersAndtheonlinemarketingcampaignforRapeHostelV:GirlsJustWannaGetStabbed.

AndwhensheonedayturnsonmeandcallsmeaBitchinfrontofHollister,Givemethestrength,Lord,toyank

herdirectlyintoacabinfrontofherfriends,ForIwillnothavethatShit.Iwillnothaveit.

AndshouldshechoosetobeaMotheroneday,bemyeyes,Lord,ThatImayseeher,lyingonablanketonthefloorat4:50A.M.,all-at-onceexhausted,bored,andinlovewiththelittlecreaturewhosepoopisleakingupitsback.

“Mymotherdidthisformeonce,”shewillrealizeasshecleansfecesoffherbaby’sneck.“Mymotherdidthisforme.”AndthedelayedgratitudewillwashoverherasitdoeseachgenerationandshewillmakeaMentalNotetocallme.Andshewillforget.

ButI’llknow,becauseIpeepeditwithYourGodeyes.

Amen

WhatTurningFortyMeanstoMe

IneedtotakemypantsoffassoonasIgethome.Ididn’tusedtohavetodothat.ButnowIdo.

WhatShouldIDowithMyLastFiveMinutes?

Sohereweareneartheend

ofthebook,andIhaveaquestionwithwhichIneedyourhelp.

WhatshouldIdowithmylastfiveminutes?Itfeelslikemylastfiveminutesofbeingfamousaretimingouttobesimultaneouswithmylastfiveminutesofbeingabletohaveababy.

Scienceshowsthatfertilityandmovieoffersdropoff

steeplyforwomenafterforty.

Ihaveonetop-notchbabywithwhomIaminlove.It’sahead-over-heels“firstlove”kindofthing,becauseIpayforeverythingandallwedoisholdhands.

Whenshesays,“IwishIhadababysister,”Iamstrickenwithguiltandpanic.Whenshesays,

“Mommy,IneedAquaSand,”or“Ionlywanttoeatgum!”or“Wipemybutt!”Iamlessaffected.

IthoughtthatraisinganonlychildwouldbethenorminManhattan,butmydaughteristheonlychildinherclasswithoutasibling.Mostkidshaveatleasttwo.LargefamilieshavebecomeastatussymbolinNewYork.Fourbeautifulchildrennamedafter

kingsandpiecesoffruitareawayofsaying“Icanaffordafour-bedroomapartmentand$150,000inelementaryschooltuitionfeeseachyear.Howyoulivin’?”

Now,I’mnotreallyoneforstatussymbols.Iwenttopublicschool.Ihaveallmyoriginalteethandfaceparts.Whenlefttomyowndevices,IdresslikeI’mheretoserviceyouraquarium.But

thekidpressuremountsforotherreasons.

Thewomanwhorunsmylocaltoystorethatsellsthekindofbeautifulwoodeneducationaltoysthatkidslove(ifthereareabsolutelynoothertoysaroundandtheyhaveneverseentelevision)asksme,

“Areyougonnahaveanotherone?”

Abackgroundactoronthesetof30Rockwillask,“Youwantmorekids?”“No,no,”Iwanttosay.“WhywouldIwantmorekidswhenIcouldbeherewithyouhavinganawkwardconversationoveratrayofolddanishes?”

Theear,nose,andthroatdoctorIseeaboutsomestress-inducedcankersoresoffers,unsolicited:“Youshouldhaveanotherone.I

hadmychildrenatforty-oneandforty-two.It’sfine.”Didshenothearthepartaboutthestress-inducedcankersores?

Myparentsraisedmethatyouneveraskpeopleabouttheirreproductiveplans.“Youdon’tknowtheirsituation,”mymomwouldsay.IconsidereditsuchanimpolitequestionthatforyearsIdidn’tevenaskmyself.Thirty-fiveturned

intofortyfasterthanMcDonald’sfoodturnsintocoldnonfood.

Behinddoornumbertwo,youhavethemoviebusiness.Shouldn’tIseizetheopportunitytomakemoremoviesinthenextfewyears?ThinkofthemoviesIcouldmake!

MagazineLady—Thestoryofanoverworkedwoman

lookingforlove…whoseless-attractivefriend…’smeanbossisplayedbyme…whenBebeNeuwirthturnsitdown.

TheWeddingCreeper—Anoverworkedwomanlookingforlovesneaksintoweddingsandwishesstrangerswellontheirweddingvideos,onlytofallinlovewithahandsomevideographer(GerardButleroracoatrackwithaleather

jacketonit),despitethefactthatwhentheyfirstmet,theyknockedoveraweddingcake,causinganoldlady(AcademyAward™winnerJaneFonda)torap.

Next,astrategicallychosensmallpartinarespectableindiedramedysemblecalledDisregardingJoy,inwhichIplayalesbiantherapistwhounexpectedlycriesduringherpartner’snephew’sbris.

RogerEbertwillpraisemyperformanceas“bravetogrowthatlittlemustache.”

Finally,formoney,Iplaythevillaininthelive-actionMoxieGirlzmovieoppositeafuturechildstarwhoatthismomentisstillaticklyfeelinginBillyRayCyrus’sballs.

HowcouldIpassupthoseopportunities?DoIevenhave

therighttodeprivemoviegoersofthoseexperiences?

Thesearethebaby-versus-worklifequestionsthatkeepmeupatnight.There’sanothergreatmovieidea!BabyVersusWork.Ahardworkingbabylookingforlove(KateHudson)fallsforahandsomepileofpapers(HughGrant).IwouldplaytheghostofaVictorian

poetesswhoanachronisticallytellsKateto“Goforit.”

Idebatethesecond-babyissuewhenIcan’tsleep.“ShouldI?No.Iwantto.Ican’t.Imust.Ofcoursenot.Ishouldtryimmediately.”

Igetuptogotothebathroomandstudymyselfinthemirror.DoIlooklikesomeonewhoshouldbepregnant?Ilookgoodfor

forty,butIhavethequaggyjawlineandhollowcheeksofamom,notapregnantlady.It’snowornever.Thisdecisioncannotbedelayed.

Andwhat’ssogreataboutworkanyway?Workwon’tvisityouwhenyou’reold.Workwon’tdriveyoutogetamammogramandtakeyououtafterforsoup.It’stoomuchpressureonmyonekidtoexpecthertoshoulderall

thosedutiesalone.Also,whatifsheturnsonme?Iamprettyhardtolike.Ineedabackup.

Andwhowillbemydaughter’sfamilywhenmyhusbandandIaredeadfromstress-inducedcankers?Shemusthaveasibling.Hollywoodbedamned.I’lljustbeunemployableandlabeledcrazyinfiveyearsanyway.

Letmeclarify.Ihaveobservedthatwomen,atleastincomedy,arelabeled“crazy”afteracertainage.

FEMALEWRITER:Youeverworkwith

MALEAGENT:(dismissive)She’scrazynow.

FEMALEWRITER:YouknowwhoIlovedgrowingup?

.Whataboutherfor

thispart?

MALEWRITER:Idon’tknow.Ihearshe’sprettybatshit.

FEMALEWRITER:Igotacalltodayfrom

.

MALEPRODUCER:Ugh.Wehadherontheshowonce.Shewasacrazyassache.Shewantedtoseeherlinesaheadoftime.Shehadallthesequestions.

I’veknownoldermenincomedywhocanbarelyfeedandcleanthemselves,andtheystillwork.

Thewomen,though,they’reall“crazy.”

Ihaveasuspicion—andhearmeout,’causethisisaroughone—Ihaveasuspicionthatthedefinitionof“crazy”inshowbusinessisawomanwhokeepstalkingevenafternoonewantstofuckheranymore.

TheonlypersonIcanthinkofthathasescapedthe

“crazy”monikerisBettyWhite,which,obviously,isbecausepeoplestillwanttohavesexwithher.

Thisistheinfuriatingthingthatdawnsonyouoneday:Evenifyouwouldneversleepwithorevenflirtwithanyonetogetahead,youarebeingsexuallyadjudicatedbytheseLAcreeps.Networkexecutivesreallydosaythingslike“Idon’tknow.I

don’twanttofuckanybodyonthisshow.”Theyreallydosaythatstuff.That’snotjustlactation-stoppingdialogueonEntourage.

(Toanyexecwhohaseversaidthataboutme,Iwouldhopeyouwouldatleasthavetheintelligenceandself-awarenesstoknowthatthefeelingisextremelymutual.)Itseemstomethatthefastestremedyforthis“WomenAre

Crazy”situationisformorewomentobecomeproducersandhirediversewomenofvariousages.ThatiswhyIfeelobligatedtostayinthebusinessandtryhardtogettoaplacewhereIcancreateopportunitiesforothers,andthat’swhyIcan’tpossiblytaketimeoffforasecondbaby,unlessIdo,inwhichcasethatisnobody’sbusinessandI’llneverregretitforamomentunlessitruinsmy

life.

Andnowit’sfouro’clockinthemorning.

Tohellwitheverybody!MaybeI’lljustwaituntilI’mfiftyandgivebirthtoaballoffingers!

“MerryChristmasfromTina,Jeff,Alice,andBallofFingers,”thecardwillsay.(“HappyHolidays”onthe

onesIsendtomyagents.)

ItrytothinkaboutanythingelsesoIcanfallbacktosleep.Iusedtoclingtothefactthatmymomhadmeunexpectedlyatforty,onlytorealizeacoupleyearsagothatIhadthemathwrongandshewasthirty-nine.Aworldofdifference,inmyinsomniacopinion.

Mymomwasconceivedin

theUS,borninGreece,andbroughtbackhereasaninfant.Becauseofthis,shenevergetsjuryduty.

Shegrewupspeakingbothlanguages,andwhenIwasinelementaryschoolshevolunteeredtobeaclassroomaidebecausealotoftheGreeksinourneighborhoodwere“rightofftheboat,”asshewouldsay,andneededatranslator.Mymotherknew

thelanguageandtheculture.Sometimestheteacherswouldaskhertotranslatebadnews.“PleasetellMrs.Fondulasthathersonisverydisruptive.”

AndmymomwouldnodandsayinGreek,“Georgeisalovelyboy.”Becausesheknewifshereallytranslatedthat,thekidwouldgetabeatingandthemotherwouldhateherforeveroutof

embarrassment.

Littlekids’birthdaysinmyneighborhoodweresimpleaffairs.Hotdogs,HawaiianPunch,pinthetailonthedonkey,followedbycakeandlightvomiting.(Wieners,punch,andspinningintobarfingwouldlaterbereferredtoas“theParisHilton.”)

Iwouldalwayscomplainto

mymotheraftertheGreekkids’partiesbecausetheyservedItalianrumcake.

Coveredinsliveredalmondsandsoakedinbooze,Italianrumcakeiseverythingkidshateabouteverything.Nooneevenateit.Itjustgotthrownaway.

CakeTimeissupposedtobetheclimaxofabirthday,butinsteaditwasacrushing

disappointmentforall.Iimagineit’slikebeingatabachelorpartyonlytofindthatthestripperhasoverdosedinthebathroom.

Afteracoupleyearsofthisnonsensemymomexplainedtomethatthereasonthe“GreekyGreeks,”asshecalledthem,gottheItalianrumcakeswasbecausetheywerethemostexpensiveiteminthebakery.Theywanted

theadultsatthepartytoknowtheycouldaffordit.Anyway,isthatwhatI’mtryingtodowiththissecond-babynonsense?AmIjustchasingitbecauseit’sthehardestthingformetogetandIwanttoproveIcandoit?

DoIwantanotherbaby?OrdoIjustwanttoturnbacktimeandhavemydaughterbeababyagain?

Someofyoumustbethinking,“Well,whatdoesyourhusbandwant?He’sapartofthisdecision,too,youknow!”Hewantsmetostopagonizing,butneitherofusknowswhetherthatmeansgoforitormoveon.

Whynotdoboth,likeeverybodyelseinthehistoryofearth?Because,asIthinkwehaveestablishedinthisbook,thingsmostpeopledo

naturallyareofteninexplicablydifficultforme.

Secondly,themathisimpossible.Nomatterhowyouaddupthemonths,itmeansderailingtheTV

showwheretwohundredpeopledependonmefortheirincome,andItakethatstuffseriously.Likeeveryonefrom

TomShalestoJeffZucker,Ithought30Rockwouldbecancelledbynow.

Ihaveagreatgynecologistwhoisasgiftedatlisteningassheisatrectalexams.Iwentformyannualcheckupand,tiredofcarryingthisanxietyaround,burstintotearsthemomentshesaidhello.Ilaiditalloutforher,andthemainthingItookawayfromourconversationwasthekindof

simpleobservationthatonlyanimpartialthirdpartycanprovide.“Eitherway,everythingwillbefine,”shesmiled,andforalittlewhileIwaspulledoutofmyanxious,stuntedbraincloud.

OnetimemymombabysatasetoftheItalianRumCakeKidswhiletheirparentswenttoaweddingreception.Thiswasthefirsttimethisnicecouplehadgoneoutalone

sincetheirchildrenwereborn.Theirparentsdroppedthemoffaftertheceremony.LittleChristoandMariawerestillalldressedup.Christoworeatinyblacksuitandawhiteshirt.Mariaworearedvelvetdressandcriedintheplaypenfromthemomentherparentsleftuntilthemomenttheyreturned.Mymomtriedeverythingtoconsoleher,food…Theend.

Afteracouplehoursofthis,seven-year-oldChristowasbesidehimself.Hehadneverbeenbabysatbefore.Howlongwasthisfuckerygoingtogoon?Hissisterwashysterical.Hepacedaroundourlivingroom,nowinhisshirtsleevesandblackpants.Pullinghisgoldencurlsnervously,helookedlikethenightmanagerofaminiaturedinerwhohadjusthadapartyofsixdineanddash.He

rantedtohisbabysisterinGreek,“

,vrehβρεMapia!”Thissentmymotherrunningintothe

diningroomlaughinghysterically.Ichasedher.What?Whatdidhesay?Roughlytranslateditwas“Oh!

MyMaria!Whatistobecomeofus?”

Hisoverdramaticridiculousnesstickledmymominsuchaspecificwaythatshewasdoubledoverinthediningroom,hopingthekidswouldn’tseethatshewaslaughingsohardatthemshepeedalittle.AphenomenonInowunderstandonalllevels.

Theyweregoingtobefine,buttheycouldn’tpossiblybelieveit.

ThatmusthavebeenwhatIlookedliketomydoctorfriend.ThatmustbewhatIlookliketoanyonewitharealproblem—active-dutysoldier,homelessperson,Chileanminer,etc.Alittletinypersonwithnothingtoworryaboutrunningincircles,worriedoutofhermind.

Eitherway,everythingwillbefine.Butifyouhavean

opinion,pleasefeelfreetoofferittomethroughthegapinthedoorofapublicrestroom.Everyoneelsedoes.