A Biblical Model of Conflict Resolution for LCCCBy Reg Overstreet

I. Context of Ministry at LCCC

We begin every Membership 101 class with a short section on the 85+ year history of Lake City Community Church in order to help people see exactly where they fit into the scope and development of the institution at which we hope they will commit to worship, serving and growing in our Lord. It is fitting to do so here as well.

Likewise, it is fitting to begin this section by looking at the cultural context in which our life experiences and efforts are taking place. If this is our local church body, then it is for this place and moment in time that God has created, purposed and gifted us. Let’s make sure we have a proper understanding of these contexts as we get started today.

A. Historical Context of LCCC (taken from Membership Class 101 notebook)

Lake City Church began in January, 1923 with a group of 43 men, women, boys and girls. On July 4 of the same year, ground was broken for the first structure, which we now know as Holt Chapel. In 1945, the church was incorporated and officially named Lake City Community Church. Over the decades, several building expansions were added to accommodate the group the church was incurring and hoping to experience in the future.

In 1955 the church began to support foreign missionaries, and continue that today with a long list of domestic and foreign financially and prayer supported missionaries. The church actively evangelizes to this day by teaching about the importance of outreach and missions and engaging in many community ministries.

For the past 85 years LCCC has maintained a clear focus on the teaching of God’s Word with the goal of reaching our community and world with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Our current vision is: To be a Christ-honoring community that is passionate about loving God, loving one another, and loving the world.

B. Cultural Context surrounding LCCC

1. Our State

Washington consistently remains in the top three most un-churched states, while our own county, Pierce County, has recently been labeled the “least churched” county in the entire country. That means that fewer people in Pierce County claim to have any affiliation to any sort of church than in any other county in America. The evidence of this is pretty clear in our surrounding culture. Our politicians are by and large morally and politically liberal. Our public school systems generally stand against religious influences of any kind.

Perhaps most striking for someone like me who comes from the Midwest and the South is that in talking with adults or youth in this area, you realize that only a small percentage of people have even heard of the gospel of Jesus Christ, let alone have any comprehension or understanding that He is the Son of God and only way to salvation and peace with God.

APPLICATION: What repercussions does such a void of biblical knowledge and understanding have on our society’s, and even our churches’, desire and ability to emulate the perfect unity of the Triune Godhead? Friends, those of us who possess light and the wisdom of God’s Word in this particular time and place must work fervently at practicing, promoting and passing on God’s desire for our responses to conflict.

2. Our Community

Locally, LCCC exists in the heart of Lake City—a small community within the city of Lakewood. Lakewood is characterized by great diversity in race and social, economic status. Low, middle and upper classes are intertwined throughout the city. The palatial, multi-million dollar homes surrounding all of the city’s multiple lakes are only steps away from low income housing, and every variation of middle class is strewn throughout. Every ethnicity is represented, and the large Army and Air Force bases bring many other dimensions to our demographic spectrum.

LCCC’s closest neighbors within the community of Lake City are mostly low income and blue collar families. Many are unemployed, and many of our Food Bank clients live just a short walk away. Within a one mile radius of our property also lies one of the most dense populations of registered sex offenders in the city. Lake City truly contains every social class, yet the congregation is predominately middle to upper middle class.

APPLICATION: Such diversity adds to the importance of knowing and practicing the Bible’s already vital instruction on conflict resolution. These are the only methods that contain the power of the Holy Spirit and that transcend all contexts and issues of time, culture and diversity.

C. LCCC’s Government and Organizational Structure

LCCC is in ways both an elder-run and congregational-run church. The Elder Board is the governing body that makes decisions concerning the direction and organization of the church. However, the congregation holds the authority to select and reaffirm the elders, and vote on the church budget and other significant matters.

LCCC is independent and non-denominational. The accountability and checks and balances for the congregation, ministries and leadership are all established internally, with no fellowship of churches or higher governing body which to appeal. Thus, conflict resolution and reduction must be taught, modeled, implemented and followed up biblically and effectively by our leadership.

II. Sample Models of Conflict Resolution

Now let’s begin our discussion on conflict resolution by looking at two sample models. There are countless sample models of conflict mediation and resolution in existence. We are going to start our thinking process today by examining two of them, and then move into developing LCCC’s.

A. Halverstadt’s Model

The first is Hugh Halverstadt’s model from his book, Managing Church Conflict. This title reflects his argument that since church conflict cannot always be resolved, it should in all cases be managed to the fullest extent possible. Fair enough; let’s take a look.

Halverstadt identifies three groups involved in each conflict situation. It is his identifying of these three groups that makes his model so important. These three are the Primary Participants, Bystanders, and Third Party.

In this simple case study below, let’s identify who each of these groups might be:

CASE: A single young man came to me and said that he was talking to one of his friends in the singles group about his situation. Another single young man was saying things about him that were not true. His friend said that he thought he should talk to a pastor. So he came to me. Now he is asking me to go with him to confront the other man who was saying untrue things about him.

1. Primary Participants First young man Second young man “Me” Friend

2. Bystanders Anyone else the young man had said these things to The leader of the singles group Anyone else?

3. Third Party The rest of the singles group who knows something is going on Other friends or family members who will hear, see, or sense the

conflict Anyone else?

Now, let’s run briefly through Halverstadt’s model itself on the next page, to get a feel for a process of conflict resolution:

*Overlook the offense? (It is to a man’s glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11)

*Ownership

*We don’t need to memorize each of these steps; just get a feel from this model for the various types of situations and responses.

B. Sande’s model

Ken Sande’s model for conflict resolution from his book, The Peacemaker, has become the most widely used and successful model in recent church history. His model is simple, has proven to be biblical and successful, and can be used to help build our framework for a biblical model of conflict resolution at LCCC.

First, Sande illustrates the three basic ways that people respond to conflict by using a curve resembling an icy hill. In the middle are the desirable peacemaking responses. However, in our fallen nature, humans are often prone in these situations to slide down the slippery slope, and react with either “attack” or “escape” (a.k.a. “fight” or “flight”) responses.

Let’s examine this illustration. *This illustration is also useful in that it affords an opportunity to define several key terms in conflict resolution.

Explanation of how the curve works: As we move from the left side of the slope to the right, our responses tend to go from private to public. When we fail to resolve a matter through a private response, more people must get involved to settle a dispute. Also, the further we move right, the more imposed the solutions become, which is usually less palatable, though more vital. Finally, the more extreme the responses, the greater the loss to the parties involved and the less the true underlying causes of the conflict are addressed.

It is important to define and understand each process so we can know our options as we handle conflict in the future. Let’s define and discuss those now.

o Conciliation responses 1-3 : “Personal; Private Peacemaking Responses” Overlook – Again, it is to a man’s glory to overlook an offense (Prov.

19:11). Overlooking is a form of forgiveness and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger. We will talk more about the value of practicing this, when it is right, and when it is not appropriate, when we discuss a model for LCCC.

Reconciliation – If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged the relationship, we need to resolve personal or relational issues through

confession, loving correction, and forgiveness (Matt. 5:23-24; Prov. 28:13; Gal. 6:1; Col. 3:13).

Negotiation – Even if we successfully resolve relational issues, we may still need to work through material issues such as money, property, or other rights.

o Conciliation responses 4-6 : “Assisted Peacemaking Responses.” When a dispute cannot be resolved through one of the personal responses, God calls us to turn to one of these three assisted responses.

Mediation – If two people cannot reach an agreement in private, they should ask one or more objective outside people to meet with them to help communicate more effectively and explore possible solutions. “If he will not listen [to you], take one or two others along” (Matt. 18:16). Mediators may ask questions and give advice, but they have no authority to force you to accept a particular solution.

Arbitration – When voluntary agreement cannot be made on a material issue, you may appoint one or more arbitrators to listen to the arguments and render a binding decision to settle the issue. In 1 Cor. 6:1-8, Paul teaches that Christians ought to resolve even their legal conflicts with one another.

Accountability (Church Discipline) – If a professing Christian refuses to be reconciled and do what is right, Jesus commands church leaders to formally intervene to hold him accountable to Scripture and to promote repentance, justice, and forgiveness (Matt. 18:17). Direct church involvement is often viewed negatively among Christians today, but when it is done as Jesus instructs—lovingly, redemptively, and restoratively—it can be the key to saving relationships and bringing about justice and peace. [See Appendix 1 for an excellent, more complete discussion of church discipline from Jim Amandus, which contains Carl Laney’s popular Church Discipline Flowchart on page 18.]

o Escape Responses : People tend to use these when they are more interested in avoiding a conflict than resolving it. This attitude is common within the church for several reasons: it is simply easier (at first) to avoid conflict; all conflict is thought to be unhealthy; or there is fear that conflict will damage rather than help a relationship. The Bible teaches, and we will see today, that overwhelmingly these are all untrue assumptions.

Denial – The first escape response to conflict is to pretend that it does not exist. Or, if we cannot deny its existence, we simply refuse to do what should be done to resolve the conflict properly. Both of these responses bring only temporary relief and usually make matters worse (see Gen. 16:1-6; 1 Sam. 2:22-25).

Flight – Another escape from conflict is to run away. This may include leaving the house, ending a friendship, quitting a job, filing for divorce, or changing churches. It’s important to point out that there may be times when it is appropriate to respectfully withdraw from a confusing or

emotional situation temporarily to calm down, organize our thoughts, and pray. Flight may also be a legitimate response in threatening circumstances, such as cases of abuse. However, in most cases, taking flight only postpones a proper solution to a continually escalating problem.

Suicide – When people lose all hope of resolving a conflict, they may seek to escape the situation (or make a desperate cry for help) by attempting to take their own lives. Though we don’t even like to think about this word, its consideration is a reality, even to people in our churches. Suicide in fact has become the third leading cause of death among adolescents in our country, partly because children have never learned how to deal with conflict constructively.

o Attack Responses : These responses are used by people who are more interested in winning a conflict than in preserving a relationship. [Does anyone jump in your mind right now? Have you ever been motivated more by winning a conflict than the health of a relationship?] Motives for doing so could include asserting our rights, controlling others, or taking advantage of the situation. Whatever the motive, these responses are directed at bringing as much pressure as necessary to eliminate their opposition.

Assault – Sometimes people try to overcome an opponent by using various forms of force or intimidation, such as verbal attacks (including gossip and slander—even sometimes masked as a prayer request), physical violence, threats, or efforts by damaging a person professionally or financially. Such conduct always makes conflicts worse.

Litigation – Lawsuits usually damage relationships and fail to address the heart of the matter or achieve complete justice. When Christians are involved on both sides, their witness can be severely damaged. This is why Christians are commanded to settle their differences within the church rather than in court.

Murder – Again, it is not desirable to think of the extreme of this side of the responses, but important. Chances are slim that in the church we may be tempted by or called upon to deal with this response. However, we can’t forget that when we harbor anger or contempt in our hearts towards others, in Jesus’ eyes we stand guilty of this very thing (Matt. 5:21-22; 1 Jn 3:15).

Now that we’ve taken a moment to define and discuss several varying procedures of conflict resolution, let’s move on to Sande’s model. Sande’s model identifies four basic principles to resolving conflict known as “the four G’s.” He then explains how these four steps rest upon the foundational “fifth G.” So, let’s look now at the “five G’s” of Sande’s model.

Four Basic Principles and their Foundation:

1. Glorify God—(1 Cor. 10:31) the primary motive and goal to all conflict resolution and mediation.

2. Get the log out of your eye—(Matt.7:5) facing up to your own attitudes, faults, and responsibilities before pointing out what others have done wrong. Overlooking the minor offenses of others and honestly admitting our own faults, which often encourages similar responses from our opponents.

3. Gently restore—(Matt.18:15; Gal. 6:1). This involves constructive confrontation. When others fail to accept responsibility for their actions, we may need to confront them in a gracious yet firm manner. If they refuse to respond, we may need to involve respected friends, church leaders, or other neutral individuals who can help restore peace.

4. Go and be reconciled—(Matt.5:24). Finally, peacemaking involves a commitment to restoring damaged relationships and developing agreements that are just and satisfactory to everyone involved. Forgiveness and cooperative negotiation clear away the debris left by conflict and make possible reconciliation and genuine peace.

FOUNDATION: Gospel of Jesus Christ—God has provided a way for us to overcome our innate weakness as peacemakers and learn to respond to conflict constructively. His solution is the gospel, the good news that “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners” (1 Tim. 1:15). Through the gospel our sins are forgiven. Through the gospel God enables us to learn how to resist temptation, obey his commands, and live a life that honors him. Through the gospel, the foundational G, the Lord enables us to live out the Four G’s of peacemaking.

These two models that we’ve looked at so far—Halverstadt’s detailed step by step chart model and Sande’s simple model of correct priorities, attitudes, steps and foundations—can both be useful in developing a useable and suitable model for LCCC. Let’s discuss the LCCC model now.

III. Biblical Model of Conflict Resolution for LCCC

Built upon Scripture’s teachings about conflict resolution and the two sample models we’ve just discussed, we can now turn towards building a biblical model for LCCC. We’re seeking to accomplish two useful things for our church in this section: one, to produce a comprehensive model of biblical conflict resolution for the training and referral of church leadership (Section A); and two, to produce a visual graphic of a simple, practical and memorizable model of conflict resolution for LCCC to teach, spread ubiquitously, and implement throughout the entire church body and all its ministries, for the purposes we discussed in our last session, which we will revisit as we go on today (Section B).

A. Comprehensive model of conflict resolution to use for training church leadership and as a reference tool for future conflict situations.

Our goals as we move into this section are to train the leadership of LCCC thoroughly on Scripture’s teaching about conflict resolution, and to provide a tool that we can use in all cases of conflict that lie ahead.

One general principle taught in Scripture is that we should try to keep the circle of people involved in a conflict as small as possible for as long as possible. If we can resolve a dispute personally and privately, we should do so. But if we cannot settle matters on our own, we should seek help from other people, expanding the circle only as much as necessary to bring about repentance and reconciliation. This is one of the great blessings of belonging to the church!

The comprehensive model for LCCC will work through five detailed steps for resolving conflict biblically.

STEP 1: Consider if appropriate to overlook the offense. (Minor offenses)

Again, the Bible says it is to a man’s glory to overlook an offense (Prov. 19:11). If you have been the victim of a minor offense, consider if overlooking it and thus giving up certain personal rights would best accomplish our goals (from Session One):

Would it bring the most glory to God? Would it best maintain the unity of the body? Would it best grow us in holiness/Christlikeness? Would it best serve the other person(s) involved?

And finally,

Would you be able to forgive and make a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger?

In many cases the answers to any of these questions may be “no.” And this may truly not be the best solution. In those cases we move on to our next steps—the steps of Matthew 18.

THE STEPS OF MATTHEW 18:15-17

It is unquestionably necessary for all believers to be familiar with and committed to the steps of Matthew 18:15-17. They are the primary steps of conflict resolution, mediation and church discipline as well. It is urgent that the members of Christ’s Body memorize them and follow them in every situation, with rare exception.

Matthew 18:15-1715"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

This takes us to STEP 2 in our biblical model for LCCC.

STEP 2: Go to the person individually.

This is STEP 2 in our biblical model, but the first step mentioned by Christ in Matthew 18. If overlooking the offense is not appropriate or fitting to the situation, we must proceed with this step.

Shockingly, however, studies have shown that in as many as 85% of conflict situations in the church, this first step is disregarded or avoided. Let me repeat that. 85% of all church conflict situations overlook Christ’s first commanded step to go straight to the person to resolve the conflict! There is no question that much of the conflict existing in our church today would not exist if God’s people followed His very first step of the process. There is also no doubt that church leaders need to do a better job implementing this in their own lives, modeling it, teaching it, and holding those with whom we work and minister to accountable to it.

Let’s take a moment now to look back at the case study we discussed a moment ago, and discuss what we should do in this situation according to STEPS 1 & 2:

CASE: A single young man came to me and said that he was talking to one of his friends in the singles group about his situation. Another single young man was saying things about him that were not true. His friend said that he thought he should talk to a pastor. So he came to me. Now he is asking me to go with him to confront the other man who was saying untrue things about him.

What would you do? What would you ask him?

POSSIBLE DISCUSSION IDEAS:

1.) Ask him if STEP 1 would accomplish our goals. Would it be right to overlook this offense and move on? Would it best accomplish our goals to bring the

most glory to God; best maintain the unity of the body; best grow you in holiness/Christlikeness; and serve the other persons involved?

Would it be possible for him to forgive and make a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger?

2.) If the answers to any of the above are no, and in many situations they will and should be, then ask him if he has done STEP 2 – gone to the person

individually. If not, teach him and urge him that it not only must be done, but that doing so is likely resolve the conflict and restore the fellowship between them. If he needs help, has tried that unsuccessfully, or needs you to stay involved in the situation for some reason other, then it’s time to encourage him to move on to STEP 3.

DISCUSSION: Before we go to STEP 3, can you think of some situations when STEPS 1 & 2 are legitimately not possible, safe or in everyone’s best interest? (The conflict is with an abusive or over-intimidating person; etc.)

STEP 3: Go with one or two witnesses.

First, it’s important to understand what a witness is and is not.

1. What a witness is NOT

A witness is not someone who has “witnessed” the conflict. It is also not another ally in the camp of the accuser who has “witnessed” the behavior in question.

2. What a witness IS

A witness is rather an unbiased party who is asked to witness this meeting between the two parties, acting initially as a mediator to improve communication, give an impartial viewpoint, and offer biblical counsel. The witness hears the facts of the conflict for the first time at this meeting. A church leader or spiritually mature individual is preferred. Out of humility and sincerity, the accusing party may even consider inviting a friend of the accused to be a witness. It is sometimes a challenge to find an unbiased person, so use discretion in your selection.

3. The role of a witness

The role of the witness is to observe both sides and then repeat what they saw and heard. Typically there is sin on both sides, and the witness should be attentive to drawing and pointing that out to both parties.

An example of what a witness might say after hearing the complete story from both sides is: “This is what I heard. I heard you say this to her; you said it in this way; and this is how she took it. I would have taken it the same way. However, the way you reacted and your reply were inappropriate and would have caused me to be upset as well…”

4. Initiating this meeting

There are two ways one can initiate a meeting to address conflict with witnesses – by mutual agreement, and on your own initiative.

a. By mutual agreementIf you and your opponent cannot resolve a dispute in private, you can suggest bringing in

one or more individuals to act as witnesses, and hopefully, reconcilers.

b. On your own initiativeIf your opponent balks at your suggestion to involve others, carefully explain why doing

so would be beneficial. If the person is a Christian, you can refer to Matt. 18 and 1 Cor. 6 as the biblical basis for your suggestion. And whether or not you are dealing with a fellow Christian, you can also describe the practical benefits of involving others, which include: fresh perspective; receiving the benefits of their experience, wisdom and creativity; saving time, money and energy; etc.

Before you take this step, however, it is wise and often beneficial to warn your opponent what you are about to do. For example, you might say, “We haven’t been able to resolve this between ourselves, and because the issue is too important to walk away from, my only other option is to obey the Bible’s commands, which means asking someone to help us out.”

NOTE: Reconciler training is beneficial, but not necessary if the mediator is spiritually and biblically mature. If you are asked to serve as a witness/mediator/reconciler, there are many good quick reference resources you should consult before participating in the meeting. *STEP 4, our next step, is one such resource.

STEP 4: Seek Mediation with church leadership. (“Tell it to the church”)

If your opponent professes to be a Christian and yet refuses to listen to the reconcilers’ counsel, Jesus commands you to “tell it to the church” (Matt. 18:17). This does not mean announcing it to the congregation, since unwarranted publicity is totally inconsistent with the intent of Matthew 18. Instead, the leadership of the parties’ church (or churches, if not attending the same church) should be sought out for mediation.

NOTE TO CHURCH ELDERS/STAFF: It is typically suggested to assign two elders/staff to each case—preferably a mix of paid and non-paid. Assign two because the matter may be time consuming; because it is always better to have a second viewpoint; or because it could be useful for training.

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THE MEDIATION ROLE

[Because this project is primarily for the training of church leadership, a fuller treatment of the role of mediator was held for this section. But, the following could also be useful for the previous two steps of Matthew 18—the meeting of person to person, and the meeting with one or two witnesses.]

I. Know who is involved (the three groups, mentioned above)

A. Primary Participants – those directly involved

B. Bystanders – those who have concern for the people; something vested

C. Third Party – not interested in details, but interested that it is handled biblically

II. Determine the Roles

A. Are all the parties inside the church?

B. Does one or more party represent an outside group or organization?

C. Whom do you represent?

III. Assess the general nature of the conflicts

IV. Commit to the roles, ground rules, confidentiality, and the biblical goals (Goals are first discussed in Session One, point III.)

V. Gather the complete facts [Use this list as a checklist]

A. Determine if the conflict is relational, material or both.

B. Define the relational or material issues in the conflict.

C. Find out what happened when (put story line together; confirm it with parties; ask if you missed anything).

D. Find out what the assumptions of each individual were (not just what happened).

E. Identify the hurt feelings and the source of the offense (not always what was said, but how).

F. Identify what were/are the hidden assumptions (ask: What did you think he meant?).

G. What were the perceived motives of the offended person toward the other party(s)—are these perceived motives in line with the other party(s)

true motives?

H. Identify the biblical principles that were/are being violated, or are relevant to this situation.

I. Assess if legal rights should be exercised.

J. Assess what effects this dispute is having or likely to have on:

1. your family life

2. your occupation

3. your finances or property

4. your friendships

5. your relationship with God

6. your service to your church and community

7. the Lord’s reputation through you

VI. Refocus all parties on God’s concerns (If these are not agreed on, then self interest will consume.)

A. How does God want people to respond?

B. What is His desired outcome?

C. What is to His greatest glory?

VII. Personal Preparation of Primary Participants – [The church leader(s) must go through this important checklist with the participants in order for our real goals to be accomplished.]

A. Be honest about your own sin (Eph 4:2)

B. Control your tongue (James 3:2-12)ILLUSTRATION: Meekness: pictured by a palm tree bent over and tied down

C. Control your anger (Eph. 4:26, 31)*Chrysostom describes such as “having the power to take revenge, but

never does.”

D. Commit to love others first above being loved*Col 3:14 – And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all

together in perfect unity (one of our goals).

E. Pray over the spiritual warfare*As church leaders; as participants; on prayer chains; enlist prayer teams

before, during and after the entire process, etc. – for every conflict situation in the church.

F. Identify and eliminate all harbored bitterness (Heb. 12:15)

*Effects of harbored bitterness: the loss of1. property/money2. reputation3. joy4. sleep5. friends/partnerships6. clear conscience7. productivity8. and more

G. Surrender your rights (1 Cor. 9)

Evaluation Questions

Whenever you think you need to exercise your rights, ask four questions:

Q: Will exercising my rights please and honor God?

Q: Will exercising my rights advance God’s kingdom, or will it advance my interests at the expense of God’s Kingdom?

Q: Will exercising my rights be beneficial to all concerned?

Q: Is exercising my rights essential for my own well being?

(Sande, The Peacemaker, p.94)

H. Repentance for the sinful parts each participant has played in the conflict:

CRITICAL QUESTION: How have I contributed to this conflict and what do I need to do?

EXAMINE YOUR SPEECH: what you have been saying to and about your opponent.

1. Reckless words2. Grumbling & complaining3. Falsehood—misrepresenting, exaggeration, telling part of the truth,

distorting truth, using words that we know will mislead or give a false impression without correcting it (John 8:44; Gen.3:13; Rev.12:9 Satan is the father of lies).

4. Gossip—Prov.16:28; 26:20. This betrays confidence by telling others about the facts, person, or your own role in a conflict.

5. Slander—malicious words about the other person.

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STEP 5A: When Mediation is successful: Applying Forgiveness

When mediation is successful at any of the points above, true and complete forgiveness must be given before complete resolution and restoration take place. [*This section could be used as a stand alone lesson on forgiveness.]

INTRODUCTION:

FOR THOUGHT: Identify your deepest hurt in life. Describe the situation, people involved, how you were hurt, and how you feel now. What role has forgiveness had in this situation?

Quote to consider: “Those who God deeply hurts, he wants to greatly use.”

FOR THOUGHT: Identify your deepest offense in hurting another person. Describe the situation, people involved, how you hurt the other person, and the nature of your relationship now. What role did asking forgiveness have in this situation?

1. What Biblical Forgiveness IS and is NOT.

What it is NOT What it IS

A feeling An act of the will

Forgetting* Refusing to recall

Excusing Honest*

Being Sorry Being Compassionate

Trusting* Giving up my right for revenge

Notes: *Forgetting – not biblical; not possible; and doesn’t work*Trusting – There can be forgiveness without immediate trust. Trust must be earned; it takes time to rebuild. This will require living graciously with the tension.*Honest – A major factor in the rebuilding of trust.

2. How to Ask Forgiveness (and counsel it as well). (Rom. 12:17-21; Eph. 4:32)

Realize that forgiveness is a command, but it must be asked for; not commanded by us. The command comes from God. But, though we cannot command someone to forgive us, we need to know how to ask for it. Here’s how:

a. Identify your sin – specifically. *Vagueness and generalities are easier, but do not accomplish

forgiveness.*Example: I cheated on my spouse – that is adultery

b. Identify the root (1 John 2:16)*Example: pride; lust

c. Write it out*“I did this, but God has shown me through time in the Word and

Holy Spirit…”

d. ASK: “Will you please forgive me?”

*Don’t just apologize or say “I’m sorry,” as these do not require a response. A response is a necessary part of the equation,

and must be asked for.

3. How to Ask Forgiveness for Unintentional Hurt

a. Dilemma – If you didn’t intend to hurt someone, how can you ask forgiveness?

FOR THOUGHT/DISCUSSION: Can you think of a time you found out you hurt someone unintentionally? How did you handle it?

b. Don’t be defensive. Defending yourself minimalizes the offense, makes it worse, and causes distrust.

c. Prepare to say the right things.1.) Validate their hurt2.) Show your motives are pure3.) Doing these things will alleviate yourself

Memorize this script. Teach it to staff and teams. It works!

Script: “John, I realize now that you thought I was avoiding you when I didn’t say hello to you. And that hurt your feelings. I am so sorry for that. I want you to know that it was not my motive or intention to avoid you, I was just really busy and thinking about what I had to do next when I walked by you. But if I knew then, what I know now, I would have acted differently and I would have made sure I said hi to you. I am so sorry.”

d. Prevent/avoid future occurrences.

Preventative Script: “In the future I can see this happening again, where I get really busy and am not aware of how others are taking my actions or lack of actions. If this happens in the future, would you give me the benefit of the doubt and not conclude that I don’t like you, and be willing to help me by telling me how you are feeling?”

4. Agree to Make Restoration

5. Grant any Reciprocal Forgiveness Necessary

a. Willinglyb. Understanding that it may need to be done more than once for

the same offense

If your or someone else’s natural personality, humor, thought pattern, speech or any other intrinsic behavior has a tendency to hurt or offend, it will likely take time and repetition of this process for everyone to overcome it.

STEP 5B: When Mediation is NOT successful: Discipline and Restoration

As we’ve seen today and read in Scripture, God calls his people to act justly, seek peace, and be reconciled with others. If a Christian refuses to do these things he is violating God’s will. If he refuses to listen to his church’s counsel to repent of this sin, Jesus says the church should “treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector” (Matt. 18:17).

The church cannot pretend that things are all right with people who claim to be Christians and yet refuse to listen to God as he speaks through Scripture and the church. Treating unrepentant people as unbelievers may be the only way to help them understand the seriousness of their sin. This may be accomplished in several different ways, which we’ll talk about soon. But, it’s important to always remember that treating them as unbelievers also means that we look for every opportunity to reach out to them; to evangelize them. If we have a proper mindset of outreach, we will not look upon these people with disdain or dislike, but with compassion and a desire that their souls are won for Christ and saved from sin.

While we don’t necessarily like the thoughts of disciplining people, removing them from our fellowship, or treating them as an unbeliever, when all prior attempts at resolution have proven unsuccessful this is what Christ commands. Though difficult, it’s clear that it is best for the individual and the entire body of Christ. Let’s discuss the process of church discipline and restoration.

[The below section is taken from Jim Amandus’ workbook: A Biblical Guide to Church Discipline and Restoration – Appendix 1]

1. Ten Purposes of Church Discipline and Restoration

What is church discipline and restoration? In many churches this biblical activity is an unknown practice. Many believers have either never heard of it or have misconceptions as to what it actually is. Church discipline is the process of lovingly confronting a brother or sister who is living in sin. If the loving confrontation produces a change of heart and behavior, then the erring brother or sister has been served and God has been honored. If loving confrontation is rejected, it results in the sinning brother or sister being placed outside the fellowship of the church. And in so doing, God is honored.

God has designed ten purposes to be accomplished through the church accountability process. *Not all of these purposes are accomplished every time spiritual accountability is exercised. The ten purposes of church discipline and restoration are:

1. To mature the church.2. To purify the spirit and message of the church.3. To intensify self examination in the church.4. To prove that church leaders love and care.

5. To restore a repentant believer.6. To prevent further sin and physical death in the believer.7. To confirm individual responsibility for one another.8. To affirm obedience to God’s authority.9. To deny Satan any advantage in the church.10. To cut fellowship ties with unrepentant believers.

*Each of these is delineated well in Amandus’ book.

2. The Process of Church Discipline and Restoration

The process of church discipline and restoration is outlined by our Lord in Matthew 18:15-20. The process involves the following five steps.

Step One—You deal with sin by privately reproving the erring believer when you have firsthand knowledge of sin in the body of Christ (Matthew18:15; Luke 17:3). If the erring believer listens and responds then you have served your brother or sister. If he or she does not listen and repent, then explain the five steps of church discipline. Tell him/her that you are moving to the second step in the process.

Step Two—You hold a private conference with the erring believer. You take with you one or two people to serve as witnesses (Deuteronomy 19:15; Matthew 18:16). If the erring believer listens and responds then you have served your brother or sister. If he or she does not listen and repent then review the five steps of church discipline. Tell him/her that you are moving to the third step in the process.

Step Three—You reprove the erring believer before the church (Matthew 18:17; 1 Timothy 5:20). At HCC that means that you and your witnesses present the erring believer before the elders, who act as representatives of the congregation. If the erring believer listens and responds then you have served your brother or sister. If he or she does not listen and repent then the elders will move to step four and explain to him/her what will be involved in that step.

Step Four—The erring believer is placed outside the fellowship of the congregation by the Elder Board (Matthew 18:17; 1 Corinthians 5:5; 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15; 1 Timothy 1:20). The church still seeks opportunities to exhort the erring believer to change his or her mind toward the sin. If the erring believer listens and responds then you have served your brother or sister and you move to step five. If he or she does not listen and respond then you continue with this exhortation as the Lord allows.

Step Five—If after being placed outside the church fellowship the erring believer repents, then he or she meets with the elders. His or her repentance will be confirmed before the elders with you and your witnesses present. The elders then publicly restore the believer to fellowship with the Lord and the church.

3. Practical Suggestions, Common Questions, Sample Models, and Objections regarding Church Discipline and Restoration

[Teachers can draw from these sections on pages 9-17 in Amandus’ workbook to support their presentation of the steps of church

discipline and restoration]

We have concluded the comprehensive discussion of a model for conflict resolution at LCCC, designed for training church leadership and as a reference tool for future conflict situations. Let’s now look at the following visual model and decide if it helps serve the purpose of teaching our entire church body the biblical steps to conflict resolution, and implementing them in their daily lives. [*The corresponding “point A.” began on p. 14]

B. Simple visual model for entire church body to learn, memorize and implement the biblical steps of conflict resolution.

APPLICATION: Developing a Culture of Peace at LCCC

Many churches have been successful developing a culture of peace within them, but sadly the majority of churches have probably not given this much or any intentional focus at all. If LCCC desires to be healthy in our character and relationships we must build an environment in which our people are eager and able to resolve conflict and restore relationships in a way that reflects the love and power of Jesus Christ. Such a church culture will have the following characteristics (Sande, 289-97):

1. Vision: The church is eager to bring glory to God and demonstrate the reconciling love and forgiveness of Jesus Christ, and therefore sees peacemaking as an essential part of Christian and church life. (Luke 6:27-36; John 13:35; 1 Cor. 10:31; Col. 3:12-14)

2. Training: The church knows this does not come naturally, so it actively trains both its leaders and members to respond to conflict biblically in every area of life. This is what brings us to this subject today, and hopefully many days and venues in the future. (Gal. 5:19-21; Luke 6:40; Eph. 4:24-26; 1 Tim 4:15-16; Titus 2:1-10)

3. Assistance: When members cannot resolve disputes privately, the church assists them, even when conflicts involve financial, employment, or legal issues. (Matt. 18:16; Rom. 15:14; 1 Cor. 6:1-8; Gal. 6:1-2; Col. 3:16)

4. Perseverance: The church works long and hard to restore relationships, in the same manner that God pursues us. (Matt. 18:12-16; Rom. 12:18; Eph. 4:1-3; Matt. 10:1-9; 1 Cor. 7:1-11)

5. Accountability: If members refuse to listen to private correction, church leaders get directly involved to hold members accountable to Scripture and to promote repentance, justice and forgiveness. (Prov. 3:11-12; Matt. 18:15-20; 1 Cor. 5:1-5; James 5:19-20)

6. Restoration: Wanting to imitate God’s amazing mercy and grace, the church gladly forgives and fully restores members who have genuinely repented of serious sins. (Matt. 18:21-35; Eph. 4:32; 2 Cor. 2:5-11)

7. Witness: This culture of peacemaking actively spreads the gospel. Members are so equipped and encouraged to practice peacemaking openly in their daily lives that others will notice, ask why, and hear about the love of Christ. (Matt. 5:9; John 13:34-35; 17:20-23; 1 Peter 2:12, 3:15-16)

The heart of the attitude required for conflict resolution is the joy and thankfulness that come from fully understanding the gospel of Jesus Christ (Phil. 4:4). Jesus died on the cross in our place to release us from the penalty and ongoing slavery of sin. He wants us to practice reconciliation on in our relationships with others. Colossians 3:12-13 describe this: “As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (cf. Eph. 4:1-3; Gal. 6:1-2; 2 Cor. 5:18)

These attitudes and actions do not come naturally to people. In fact, our instincts usually tell us to do the opposite. Therefore, building such a culture of peacemaking takes a lot of work. The good news is that the work isn’t done by an elite few, but is shared throughout the entire church. Church leaders, it’s up to us to instigate, practice, model, teach, train, carry out, remind and even enforce Christ’s system of keeping peace and resolving conflict within His Body. Let’s pray we are up to the task, and embark on it together!