Assertiveness Bridge

8/12/2019 Assertiveness Bridge

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ASSERTIVENESS

BY ;

Dr. Shereen Dorgham


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ASSERTIVENESS

Assertiveness is theability to

communicate yourneeds, feelings,opinions, andbeliefs in an open

and honest mannerwithout violatingthe rights of others


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ASSERTIVENESS

1. IS NOT THE SAME AS AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR.

2. AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR ENHANCES SELF AT THE

EXPENSE OF OTHERS.

3. ASSERTIVENESS PRODUCES POSITIVE OUTCOMES

FOR ALL; AGGRESSIVE ACTS RESULT IN NEGATIVE

OUTCOMES.


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WHAT WILL IT DO

1. HELPS YOU BECOME SELF-

CONFIDENT

2. INCREASES SELF-ESTEEM

3. GAIN RESPECT OF OTHERS

4. IMPROVE

COMMUNICATION SKILLS

5. IMPROVE DECISION-

MAKING ABILITY


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HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE

1. BE HONEST AND DIRECT ABOUT YOUR

FEELINGS, NEEDS, BELIEFS.

2. EXPRESS YOURSELF FIRMLY AND DIRECTLY

TO SPECIFIC INDIVIDUALS.

3. BE REASONABLE IN YOUR REQUESTS


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HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE

4. STATE YOUR VIEWPOINT WITHOUT BEING

HESITANT OR APOLOGETIC.

5. BE HONEST WHEN GIVING OR RECEIVING

FEEDBACK.

6. LEARN TO SAY NO TO UNREASONABLE

EXPECTATIONS.

7. PARAPHRASE WHAT OTHERS HAVE STATED TO

YOU.


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HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE

8. REGOGNIZE AND RESPECT THE RIGHTS OF THOSE

AROUND YOU.

9. USE APPROPRIATE TONE OF VOICE.

10. BE AWARE OF BODY POSTURE/LANGUAGE

11. MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT.

12. USE I STATEMENTS TO EXPRESS SELF


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HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE

13. DONT LET OTHERS

IMPOSE THEIR

VALUES/IDEAS ON YOU

14. ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO

BE CLEAR AND DIRECT

15. TAKE OWNERSHIP


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AND MY RIGHTS ARE

1. The right to respect myself because of who Iam.

2. How to lead my lifepursuing goals,

dreams, etc.3. Have my own values, beliefs, etc.

4. To tell others how I wish to be treated.

5. To change my mind and make mistakeswithout being ridiculed.


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AND MY RIGHTS ARE

6. TO HAVE POSITIVE, HEALTHY, SATISFYING

RELATIONSHIPS IN WHICH I AM SAFE AND

RESPECTED.

7. TO CHANGE AND DEVELOP MY LIFE HOW I

DETERMINE.

8. TO BE HAPPY AND AT PEACE.


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ASSERTIVENESS

1. DOESNT JUSTHAPPEN.

2. DOES NOT

GUARANTEE YOU

HAPPINESS OR FAIR

TREATMENT.

3. WILL NOT SOLVE ALL

YOUR PROBLEMS4. DOES NOT

GUARANTEEE YOU

WILL GET WHAT YOU

WANT.


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TYPES OF ASSERTIVENESS

Non-assertive behaviour

I am not ok,you are ok

Assertive behaviour

I am ok,you are ok

Aggresive behaviour

I am ok,you are not ok

Manipulative behaviour

I am not ok,you are not ok


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Negative attitude and passive behaviour

Lack of self confidence and low self esteem

Lack of self respect

Self putdowns

Negative feelings and thoughts about yourself Feeliings of inferiority compared to others

Like others to be in control of people and

situations Feel guilty towards others

demotivated


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Negative attitude and manipulative

behaviour

Lack of self confidence and low self esteem

Lack of self respect and lack of respect forothers

Mistrustful and suspicious of others motives

Negative feelings and thoughts about selfand others

Feel very wary towards others

Dishonest and indirect Twist what others have said

Undermine others self esteem

Depressed and demotivated


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Negative attitude and aggressive

behaviour

Lack of self confidence and low self esteem Lack of respect towards others

Put others down

Feelings of superiority

Like to be in control of people andsituations

Disinterested in others thoughts andfeelings

Feel angry towards others and are quick toblame them

Dont listen to or ask questions Dismissive of feedback


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Positive attitude and assertive behaviour

Self confidence and high self esteem

Respect for self and towards others

Take responsibility for self

Motivated to do a good job nterested in others feelings and thoughts

Ask questions

Honest and direct

Listen to others

Ask others for feedback


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Basics of Effective Communication,

cont.

Get the facts before you pass judgment. Some styles lendthemselves better to this than others.

Learning all communication styles is important in order to

avoid communicating in less effective ways andin order to

recognize those styles in others so as to be able to deal

with them.

People are not difficult. They only seem difficult to the

extent that we do not have the skills to deal with what

they bring to the table. It is our lack of knowledge that

makes the situation difficult.


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Which is the Best Style?

All styles have their proper place and use.

Assertive communication is the healthiest.

Boundaries of all parties are respected.

Easier to problem-solve; fewer emotional

outbursts.

It requires skills and a philosophy change, as

well as lots of practice and hard work.

When both parties do it, no one is hurt in anyway and all parties win on some level.


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Passive Communication

Allowing our own rights to be violated by

failing to express our honest feelings. The goal of being a passive communicator

is to avoid conflict no matter what.

Little risk involved very safe.

Little eye contact, often defers to othersopinions, usually quiet tone, may suddenly

explode after being passive too long.


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Examples of Passive Communication

I dont know.

Whatever you think. You have more experience than I. You

decide.

Ill go with whatever the group decides. I dont care. It doesnt matter to me.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. . . NO!


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Aggressive Communication

Protecting ones own rights at the expense of othersrights no exceptions.

The goal of the aggressor is to win at all costs; to beright.

Does not consider actions a risk because this personthinks they will always get their way. It is risky in terms

of relationships, however. Eye contact is angry and intimidating; lots of energy;

loud and belittling; never defers to others, or at leastdoes not admit to; manipulative and controlling. Oftenuses violence or verbal abuse.


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Examples of Aggressive Communication

I dont know why you cant see that this is

the right way to do it. Its going to be my way or not at all.

Youre just stupid if you think that will

work. That kind of logic will sink the company.

Who cares what youfeel. Were talking

about making things work here.


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Passive-Aggressive Communication

Forfeiting your own rights initially, followed by

manipulation and vengeance later. The goal of this style is to avoid conflict and then

make the other party wish they had seen it yourway.

Avoids risk initially, risks relationships later, thenacts surprised when people are mad.

Behaves passively to peoples face, thenaggressively when they are not around. Oftenuses sarcasm.


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Examples of Passive-Aggressive

Communication

Sure, doctor. Id be happy to write thatverbal order, but back on the unit the order isforgotten.

I love your hair. Most people probably canteven tell its a wig.

I hear what youre saying, and I wouldnt

want to make waves, so Ill do what you sayeven though someone will probably get sued.


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Assertive Communication

Protecting your own rights without violating therights of others.

The goal of the assertive person is tocommunicate with respect and to understandeach other; to find a solution to the problem.

Takes a risk with others in the short run, but in

the long run relationships are much stronger. Eye contact maintained; listens and validates

others; confident and strong, yet also flexible;objective and unemotional; presents wishesclearly and respectfully.


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Examples of Assertive Communication

So what youre saying is. . . .

I can see that this is important to you, andit is also important to me. Perhaps we can

talk more respectfully and try to solve the

problem.

I think. . . I feel. . . I believe that. . . .

I would appreciate it if you. . .


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Assertiveness Skills


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I - Persistence

1. Stay focused on the issue do not get distracted,defensive, or start justifying yourself.

2. Repeat the bottom line to keep the conversation

on track and your issues on the table (e.g., Iunderstand that, however we are talking about. .

.).

3. Alternative styles would withdraw or would

escalate this to a battle of wills that would override

compromise.


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II - Objectivity

1. Focus on the problem, not on the emotions

that often accompany and cloud problems.

Postpone discussion if emotions cannot be

contained.

2. Use the validation skill (next) to handle

others emotions so you can focus on

objective issues.


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III - Validation Allow people to have their experience, but try to

move beyond it to a discussion about theproblem.

You do not necessarily have to disagree or agreepeoples perspectives are important, but they arenotthe heart of the issue, so dont make a battle

over them. Validate them and get to the issue. If thats how you see it, thats fine. I can see that this upsets you, and from your

perspective, I can see why. Now, what can we do

to make this better for both of us?


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IV - Owning

Being assertive means you also must own what isyours to own. If the other person has a point

about your behavior, own it (this is the . ..without violating the rights of others part).Bulldozing over that is aggressive.

Accept someones criticism as feedback ratherthan an attack. (e.g., You could be right about that. . .,

That is entirely possible, knowing me. . .) Where isthe value in fighting anothers negative opinionabout us? Perspective is hard to change whendirectly challenged. This shows that IF theirperspective were true, youd own it.


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V Challenging False Information

When attacked with false and negative statements,do not fall prey to defensiveness. That onlyescalates emotions.

Look for the grain of truth and validate it. Thisknocks barrier walls down and opens the door fordiscussion about the real problem.

At times people are rigid and a more forceful stance

is needed. E.g., Im sorry, I simply do not see it thatway, but you are more than entitled to youropinion.

Disagree, using factual information. E.g., Actually, Iwas at work, so that could not have been me.


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VI Pumping the

Negatives

When criticized, ask for more negative feedback doso assertively, as though you are trying to learn more

about how to be better in that area (and in fact, that

should be your goal). E.g., Tell me more about whatis bothering you about my report.

Stay task oriented!!! If you slip into emotions and

get offended, you lose. Pump practical negatives

(not baseless criticisms) and how your actions can beimproved to help solve the problems.


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VII Humor

Humor breaks down negative emotions.

Humor can put tense situations at ease.

When grain of truth is found, joke about it

while owning it.

Be careful to use humor appropriately and

professionally.


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When Aggression is Appropriate

In an emergency

When there is not time to spend on a

compromise.

When your opinion is based on several

facts, you therefore KNOW you are right,

and there is not time to utilizeassertiveness skills.


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When Passivity is Appropriate

When the results of pushing the issuewould cause problems that outweigh thebenefits.

When issues are minor.

When there is a power differential that is

not in your favor and the other party isgetting agitated by your assertiveness.

When the other individuals position is

impossible to change. (E.g., the law).


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What is Okay in Assertive Behavior

It is okay to say I dont know.

It is okay to say No, or I cannot do that. It is okay to make mistakes as long as

responsibility is taken for them.

It is okay to disagree and to verbalize that.

It is okay to challenge others opinions or actions.

It is okay to not accept anothers opinion asfactual or accurate (e.g., getting criticized).

It is okay to ask for a change in behavior.


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SAYING YES OR NO


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Why is it difficult to say no?

If I say no,they may feel hurt or injected If I say no this time, they may not like me

anymore

If I say no this time,they may never askagain

They wont take any notice if I say no

They would say yes to me (and so I willfeel guilty if I refuse them)

I cant say no, because I feel sorry forthem

ow o say no asser ve y


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ow o say no asser ve y

Start your reply with a clear,firm,audible no

Do not justify or make excuses.Giving a reason is

different from over-appologizing

Feel that you have a right to say no

Once you have said no , do not stay around

waiting to be persuaded to change your mind.Make

a definite closure by changing the subject,walking

away, continiuing with what you are doing-

whatever is appropriate


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How to say no assertively?

Remember you are saying no to that particularrequest,not rejecting the person

If the request takes you unawares or you have not sufficent

time to think when asked,you can always say, I will let youknow in order to give yourself time to think about whatyou want to say

Take responsibility for saying no-do not blame the other

person for asking you

Ask for more information if you need it in order to decide

whether you want to say yes or no


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Why is it difficult to say yes?

I dont deserve it

They might not really mean it

I am not really sure that is what I want

I dont have enough information


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How to say yes assertively

Say yes clearly and definitely

Identify why you would find it difficult

Examine thoughts realistically and ask yourself

Having calarified thughts for yourself then reaffirmyour desire to say yes


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Combining yes and no

yes and no may be combinedassertively to define what we wantor what our limits are in a particularsituation.


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In What Situations Do You Find It Difficult to

Assert Yourself?

Exercise:

In groups of 3 or 4, identify one situation each in which

you find it difficult to assert yourself?

What gets in your way?

How do you feel?

How does the other person react?

Choose, and be prepared to share an example from

your group

Assertiveness Bridge

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