Power Of Assertiveness

FRAMES-FRAMING…RE-FRAMING

• Frames are "Frame of Reference: The context, viewpoint, or set of

presuppositions or of evaluative criteria within which a person's perception and thinking seem always to occur, and which constrains selectively the course and outcome of these activities"

• “Or in simple words, a blue print of everything that happens around you- all experiences captured and stored in your brain- so every time we need to respond to a stimuli in order to communicate- we check with our “Frame/Frames of reference” and then act

FRAMES-FRAMING…RE-FRAMING

• NO TWO people in the world can go through the exact copy of each other’s life so naturally all frames are different from each other-or again in simplistic terms, the looking glass of our lives are different from each other .

• Framing is an inevitable process of selective influence over the individual's perception of the meanings attributed to words or phrases.

UNDERSTANDING PASSIVE BEHAVIOR

Mottoes and Beliefs – "Don't express your true feelings." – "Don't make waves." – "Don't disagree." – "Others have more rights than I do.“

Communication Style – Indirect – Always agrees – Doesn't speak up – Hesitant

Characteristics – Apologetic, self-conscious – Trusts others, but not self – Doesn't express own wants and feelings – Allows others to make decisions for self– Doesn't get what he or she wants

Outward Behavior – Sighs a lot – Tries to sit on both sides of the fence to avoid conflict – Clams up when feeling treated unfairly – Asks permission unnecessarily – Complains instead of taking action – Lets others make choices – Has difficulty implementing plans – Self-effacing

Nonverbal Cues – Fidgets – Nods head often; comes across as pleading – Lack of facial animation – Smiles and nods in agreement – Downcast eyes – Slumped posture – Low volume, meek – Up talk – Fast, when anxious; slow, hesitant, when doubtful


Verbal Cues – "You should do it." – "You have more experience than I do." – "I can't......" – "This is probably wrong, but..." – "I'll try..." – Monotone, low energy

Confrontation and Problem Solving – Avoids, ignores, leaves, postpones – Withdraws, is sullen and silent – Agrees externally, while disagreeing internally – Expends energy to avoid conflicts that are anxiety provoking – Spends too much time asking for advice, supervision – Agrees too often


Feelings Felt – Powerlessness – Wonders why doesn't receive credit for good work – Chalks lack of recognition to others' inabilities

Effects – Gives up being him or herself – Builds dependency relationships – Doesn't know where he or she stands – Slowly loses self esteem – Promotes others' causes – Is not well-liked

UNDERSTANDING AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

Mottos and Beliefs – "Everyone should be like me." – "I am never wrong." – "I've got rights, but you don't.“

Communication Style – Close minded – Poor listener – Has difficulty seeing the other person's point of view – Interrupts – Monopolizing

Characteristics – Achieves goals, often at others' expense – Domineering, bullying – Patronizing – Condescending, sarcastic

Behavior – Puts others down – Doesn't ever think they are wrong – Bossy – Moves into people's space, overpowers – Jumps on others, pushes people around – Know-it-all attitude – Doesn't show appreciation

Nonverbal Cues – Points, shakes finger – Frowns – Squints eyes critically – Glares – Stares – Rigid posture – Critical, loud, yelling tone of voice – Fast, clipped speech

Verbal Cues – "You must (should, ought better)." – "Don't ask why. Just do it." – Verbal abuse

Confrontation and Problem Solving – Must win arguments, threatens, attacks – Operates from win/lose position

Feelings Felt – Anger – Hostility – Frustration – Impatience

Effects – Provokes counter aggression, alienation from others, ill health – Wastes time and energy over supervising others – Pays high price in human relationships – Fosters resistance, defiance, sabotaging, striking back, forming

alliances, lying, covering up – Forces compliance with resentment

UNDERSTANDING ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR

Mottoes and Beliefs – Believes self and others are valuable – Knowing that assertiveness doesn't mean you always win,

but that you handled the situation as effectively as possible – "I have rights and so do others."

Communication Style – Effective, active listener – States limits, expectations – States observations, no labels or judgments – Expresses self directly, honestly, and as soon as possible

about feelings and wants – Checks on others feelings

Characteristics – Non-judgmental – Observes behavior rather than labeling it – Trusts self and others – Confident – Self-aware – Open, flexible, versatile – Playful, sense of humor – Decisive – Proactive, initiating

Behavior – Operates from choice – Knows what it is needed and develops a plan to get it – Action-oriented – Firm – Realistic in her expectations – Fair, just – Consistent – Takes appropriate action toward getting what she wants without

denying rights of others

Nonverbal Cues – Open, natural gestures – Attentive, interested facial expression – Direct eye contact – Confident or relaxed posture – Vocal volume appropriate, expressive – Varied rate of speech

Verbal Cues – "I choose to..." – "What are my options?" – "What alternatives do we have?"

Confrontation and Problem Solving – Negotiates, bargains, trades off, compromises – Confronts problems at the time they happen – Doesn't let negative feelings build up

Feelings Felt – Enthusiasm – Well being – Even tempered

Effects – Increased self-esteem and self-confidence – Increased self-esteem of others – Feels motivated and understood – Others know where they stand

• when an issue is really minor;

• when the problems caused by the conflict are greater than the conflict itself;

• when emotions are running high and it makes sense to take a break in order to calm down and regain perspective;

• when your power is much lower than the other party's;

• When the other's position is impossible to change for all practical purposes (i.e., government policies, etc.)

When can Passiveness work?

When can Aggression work?

•when a decision has to be made quickly;

•during emergencies;

•when you know you're right and that fact is crucial;

WHAT ASSERTIVENESS CAN DO FOR YOU…

• It increases your confidence and self-esteem

• You enjoy more balanced lifestyle

• You manage colleagues and friends effectively and empathetically

• You increased work effectiveness and productivity

• You Concentrate on what’s within YOUR control, rather than what’s beyond YOUR control. For instance, you can always control how you react to a situation, but you can’t control how others react.


• Every problem seems to have a “win-win” solution. Assertive communicators first ask what the other person or party wants and then quickly negotiate a solution that everyone can live with.

• Because problems are solved more quickly, resentment, frustration and other tensions that block peak performance are minimized.

• Assertive behavior can actually reduce physical and mental stress in the workplace because people feel less like victims and more like influencers.


•Communication becomes clearer and more concise, which reduces misunderstandings and clarifies expectations. Phrases like “I thought you meant…” virtually disappear.

• In an assertive work environment, people speak up and say what’s on their minds. They aren’t afraid their ideas will be shunned, ridiculed or ignored.

Finally, You can have the power to say NO!!

Develop a value and belief system which allows you to assert yourself.

This is the hardest part. It means giving

yourself permission to be angry, to say "No," to ask for help, to make mistakes.

These include Basic Assertion, Empathic Assertion, Escalating Assertion and I-Language Assertion (4 Types of Assertion)

1) Basic Assertion - This is a simple, straightforward expression of your beliefs, feelings, or opinions. It's usually a simple "I want" or "I feel" statement.

2) Empathic Assertion-This conveys some sensitivity to the other person. It usually contains two

parts- a recognition of the other person's situation or feelings, followed by a

statement inwhich you stand up for your rights.

"I know you've really been busy, but I want to feel that our relationship is important to you. I want you to make time for me and for us."

3) Escalating Assertion

• This occurs when the other person fails to respond to your basic assertion and continues to violate your rights.

• You gradually escalate the assertion and become increasingly firm. It may even include the mention of some type of resulting action on your part, made only after several basic assertive statements.

• For example, "If you don't complete the work on my car by 5:00 tomorrow, I'll be forced to call the Better Business Bureau."

4) I-Language Assertion

• This is especially useful for expressing negative feelings. It involves a 3-part statement:

• When you do . . . (describe the behavior). • The effects are . . . (describe how the behavior concretely

affects you). • I'd prefer. . . (describe what you want).

The real focus in I-Language Assertion is on the "I feel," "I want" part of the statement. When expressing anger, often the tendency is to blame the other person, fly off the handle and get caught up in the emotion.

There are four parts to effective assertive communication - Here is

the formula:

I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need ___________.

Part 1: “I feel” Start by expressing how you feel about the behavior. Stick to one of the five or six basic emotions: “I feel… overwhelmed, angry, hurt,” etc.

Part 2: “When” What specifically bothers you about the behavior or situation? Examples: “When the family expects me to do this every year,” “When it is assumed I will do it,” etc.

Part 3: “Because” How does the behavior affect you? Examples: “I feel pressured to do something I really can’t do this year,” and “It makes me feel taken advantage of.”

Part 4: “I need” This is the tough part for people like Mary who feel guilty simply letting others (especially family members) know what their needs are. “I need” has nothing to do with being selfish.

Maintain comfortable direct eye contact;

keep your posture open and relaxed;

be sure your facial expression agrees with the message;

keep a level, well-modulated tone of voice; select an appropriate time to be assertive.

In the beginning, don't try changing your behavior in loaded or difficult situations.

Practice first in the least risky ones.

Let’s Practice saying NO FIRST

I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF SEVERAL PROJECTS • let people know when you have accepted other

responsibilities• no need to make excuses if you don't have any free time• no one will fault you for having already filled your plate I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT • you might be uncomfortable with any of a number of issues• the people involved, the type of work, the morale

implications, etc.• this is a very respectful way to avoid a sticky situation I AM NOT TAKING ON ANY NEW RESPONSIBILITIES • you aren't saying that you will never help out again• just that you feel your schedule is as full as you would like

now• understanding your limits is a talent to be expected

I AM NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE JOB

• if you don't feel that you have adequate skills, that's okay• it's better to admit your limitations up front• the best way to avoid feeling overwhelmed down the road

I DO NOT ENJOY THAT KIND OF WORK • life isn't about drudgery -- if you don't enjoy it, why do it?• don't be afraid to let someone know you just don't want to• someone else is bound to enjoy the work you don't I DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE ROOM IN MY CALENDAR • be honest if your schedule is filled• "filled" doesn't have to mean really filled• know when you are scheduled as much as you are willing

and stop

I HATE TO SPLIT MY ATTENTION AMONG PROJECTS • let people know that you want to do a good job for them• but you can't when your focus is too divided or splintered• you will be more effective if you focus on one project at a time

I HAVE ANOTHER COMMITMENT • it doesn't matter what the commitment is• it can even simply be time to yourself or with friends or family• you don't have to justify -- you simply aren't available

I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH THAT • volunteering shouldn't mean learning an entirely new set of skills• suggest that they find someone who has experience in that area• offer to help out with something that you already know how to do

I KNOW YOU WILL DO A WONDERFUL JOB YOURSELF

• people often ask for help because they doubt their own abilities

• let them know that you have confidence they will succeed• you are actually doing them a favor in the long run

I NEED TO FOCUS MORE ON MY PERSONAL LIFE • don't be ashamed of wanting to spend time with your family• having a strong family is an important priority in and of itself• be willing to put your personal needs first

I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY CAREER RIGHT NOW • often, you have to focus your energies on a work-related task• you may have to give up some civic or community duties• if you don't do it, someone else will take on the task

I NEED TO LEAVE SOME FREE TIME FOR MYSELF • it's okay to be selfish -- in a good way!• treat your personal time like any other appointment• block off time in your calendar and guard it with your life I WOULD RATHER DECLINE THAN DO A MEDIOCRE JOB • know when you aren't going to be able to deliver a quality

product• the reason doesn't matter -- not enough time, wrong skills,

etc.• whatever the reason is enough for turning a request down

I WOULD RATHER HELP OUT WITH ANOTHER TASK

• saying no doesn't mean that you can't help at all• if someone asks you to do something you really despise,

refuse• then offer to help with something you find more enjoyable

LET ME HOOK YOU UP WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN DO IT • if you aren't available to help out, offer another qualified

resource• helping to connect people is a valuable service to offer• make sure the person you refer will represent you well

NO • sometimes it's okay to just say no!• just say it in a way that expresses respect and courtesy• leave the door open for good relations

NOT RIGHT NOW, BUT I CAN DO IT LATER • if you really want to help but don't have time, say so• offer to help at a later time or date• if they can't wait for you, they'll find someone else

SOME THINGS HAVE COME UP THAT NEED MY ATTENTION

• unexpected things happen that throw your schedule off• accept that you may need to make a few adjustments• it is temporary and you will have more time when life

stabilizes

THIS REALLY IS NOT MY STRONG SUIT

• it's okay to admit your limitations• knowing what you can handle and what you can't is a skill• your time will be more efficiently spent on something you

do well

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Power Of Assertiveness

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Transcript of Power Of Assertiveness