AssertivenessThe Art Of Being Tactful

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Learning Objectives

Understand & Distinguish the difference between Assertive, Aggressive, Passive Behaviors.

Improve Self-Awareness and recognize one’s improvement areas.

Learn techniques to be Assertive, saying ‘NO’ - setting boundaries.

Handling ‘sensitive’/ ‘heated’ / ‘potentially disruptive’ conversations

How to offer Win-Win Solutions?

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Activity: The Balloon Fight

Activity: Group Activity

Time: 5 Mins

Instructions:

•Everyone gets a balloon.

• Destroy all other teams balloons

Scoring:

•Destroying the balloon: 1 point

•Being the last team with maximum inflated balloons: 3 Points

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Defining Assertive

• Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s feelings and assert one’s rights while respecting the feelings and rights of others.

• Assertive communication is appropriately direct, open and honest, and clarifies one’s needs to the other person.

• Assertiveness is a skill that can be learned.

• Assertiveness should not be confused with aggression.

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Rights

Outcome Behaviour

Situation

Self Talk

Expectation

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Assertive Vs Aggressive

Expression of ones feelings, needs and rights without regard/respect for needs, rights and feelings of others.

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Expression of ones feelings and assert one’s rights while respecting the feelings and rights of others.

Appropriately direct, open and honest, and clarifies one’s needs to the other person.

Employ disrespectful, manipulative, demeaning, or abusive tactics

Make negative assumptions others motives and think in retaliatory terms

Win- Lose

Aggressor goals not always achieved

Stressed relationships with others and self

Win- Win

Goals met or negotiated

Rich & enduring interpersonal relationships

Assume the best about others. Treat with dignity.

ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE

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When Can You Be Assertive?

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When You

Want something Don’t Want Something

Are Happy Are Angry

Want to give feedback Want to Negotiate

Are Hurt Face Criticism

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What Will It Do For You?

• Helps you become self confident

• Increase Self – Esteem

• Gain Respect of others

• Improve Communication Skills

• Improve Decision Making Ability

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Behavior Types: Self Assessment

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Passive Aggressive

Passive Aggressive

Assertive

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A Person Exhibiting Passive Behavior

• Communicates inferiority.

• Often feels ‘used’ by others, keeps quiet when others take advantage.

• Does not complain when product/services are sub-standard.

• Is reluctant to express opinions and feelings, keeps his/her own views private.

• Finds it difficult to say ‘NO’ to others when demands are made on time/resources.

• Agrees with the ‘majority’ views/desires, even though they conflict with personal wishes

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Why Do People Behave Passively?

• Fear of Upsetting Others

• Fear of Rejection

• Feel responsible for others feelings

• Inappropriate Inner Voices

(Usually from past experiences or childhood)

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Passive Thought Patterns

1. Self Defeating Games

I. Filtering

II. Peronalizing

III. Generalizing

IV. Dooms Daying

V. Labeling

VI. Mind- Reading

2. Circle of Musts

3. Prison of Inappropriate Obligation

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About Success and Failure

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Negative thoughtsabout self

Low Self EsteemActual Failure

Expectations to Fail

Positive thoughtsabout self

High Self EsteemActual Success

Expectations to Succeed

Failure

Success

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A Person Exhibiting Aggressive Behavior

Communicates an impression of superiority and disrespect for others’ views.

Often argues, gets angry and thinks others should be ‘put in their place’.

Has no problem complaining when expectations are not met.

Usually gets their ‘own way’ in situations.

Expects others to accommodate them

Has strong views on subjects & no problem expressing them.

Finds fault with others easily and often.

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A Person Exhibiting Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Appears passive on the surface but is really acting out anger in a subtle, indirect or ‘behind the scenes’ way.

Usually feels powerless, stuck, resentful, and incapable of dealing directly with the object of their resentment.

Uses facial expressions that don’t match how they feel, e.g. smiling when angry.

Uses sarcasm.

Denies that there is a problem.

Appears cooperative while purposely being annoying & disruptive.

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A Person Exhibiting Assertive Behavior

Can express his/her own desires, feelings, needs & concerns to others with minimum embarrassment to all.

Can control own feelings & emotions even when difficult.

Aware of needs and desires of others.

Can converse and work well with people at all levels.

Can appreciate views of others and accept reasonable views.

Can disagree with others and continue to retain friendship and respect, “Agree to Disagree”.

Able to yield to others without feeling inadequate.

Can refuse a request without feeling guilty or obliged.

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Assertive Behavior: The Bill of Assertive Rights

1. I have the right to judge my own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence.

2. I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behaviour.

3. I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems.

4. I have the right to change my mind.

5. I have the right to say, ``I don't know.''

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My Righ

ts

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The Bill of Assertive Rights

6. I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.

7. I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them.

8. I have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

9. I have the right to say, ``I don't understand.''

10. I have the right to say, ``I don't care.''

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My Righ

ts

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Activity: Overcoming Roadblocks to Assertiveness

Activity: Group Activity

Time: 10 Mins

Instructions:

•Study the Roadblocks to Assertiveness on Page __of your participant handout.

• Develop an assertive counterpart for each roadblock.

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The Assertive Conversation: LADDER

Look at your needs, wants, rights & feelings about the situation. Establish a goal for what you wish to accomplish.

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L

A

D

D

E

R

Arrange a meeting that is convenient, where you and the other person can speak comfortably.

Define the problem clearly to the other person. Be specific

Describe your feelings with “I” messages that let you take responsibility for your feelings, not blaming others for how you feel.

Express and explain your remarks in an assertive manner using clear sentences. Be aware of your eye contact, hand gestures, posture, voice tone, facial expression.

Reinforce your remarks by noting the positive outcomes.

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The ''I" Statement

‘I’ statements are among the most powerful you can make, for yourself and others.

In ‘I’ statements you are affirming who you are & what you want.

Using them is the hallmark of assertiveness.

The ways in which ‘I’ statements can be used: Situation Interpretation and understanding Feelings and emotions Wants and needs Future actions

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Generating Win Win Solutions

1. Identify your problem and unmet needs

2. Set a specific time to deal with conflict (one that puts both parties in a positive climate)

3. Describe problem and needs

4. Check back with other, in order to ensure understanding

5. Ask other what his or her needs are

6. Paraphrase to make sure you understood

7. Negotiate a solution

8. Follow up on solution that was decided upon

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Negotiating a Solution Together

1. Identify and define conflict

2. Generate a number of possible solutions together

3. Evaluate the alternative solutions together

4. Decide on the best solutions together

Ask the following questions:

• What do we want in common?

• What can we achieve that would put each of us in a somewhat more advantageous position?

• What does each party contribute to the success of the other?

• What can we compromise?

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Employing Tact

Tact is more than the words a person chooses to use.

It is the entire behavior that is displayed during an interaction. It is the ability to listen, refrain from negative judgments, and demonstrate empathy and understanding for other individuals

Tips on developing the art of using Tact:

• Think before you speak

• Consider the other person's viewpoint and acknowledge it.

• Consider cultural differences and try to act in a sensitive way without being asked.

• Be discreet. Especially when delivering constructive feedback.

• Be gracious even when you're irritated. Keep your cool.

• Deflect negative comments

• Think of positive things to say.

• Be neutral if pressed

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Assertiveness Techniques: Giving Assertive Instruction

The process of asking for what you want is very simple.

The components are:

1. The person’s name

2. What you want

3. Why you want it

4. When you want it AND

5. The assumptive ‘Thank you’

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Assertiveness Techniques: Negative Assertion

• Negative assertion is where you use the power of your protagonist to turn the situation to your advantage.

• Here, all you do is accept the part of the statement, name or label that is true, in a matter of fact way.

Example1 :

• Other: ‘If you think that, you must be stupid’• You: ‘I admit I’m not the brightest

person around’

Example 2:

• Other: ‘And you are always making mistakes’• You: ‘Yes, I do make mistakes occasionally’

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Assertiveness Techniques: Fogging

Used when someone is putting pressure on you to do something that is not in your best interest, and you would rather not do it.

Process:

- Listen to what the person says, decide whether you wish to comply.

- If not, then using their words, or similar, acknowledge their need but state your case.

- This is a very polite method of saying ‘No’.

Example:

Other: ‘I want it now’

You: ‘I can see why you would want that but my priority is ....’

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Assertiveness Techniques: The Power Of Saying No

A List To Consult Before Saying Yes:

• Do I really want this or am I pleasing someone else?

• What is the benefit to me of saying ‘yes’?

• What is the cost of saying ‘no’?

• If I do it will I enjoy it?

• Do I have to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ right now; is it to my advantage to delay my decision?

• How do I feel about the request?

• Do I need more information before I make my decision?

• Do I want an alternative?

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How to Say No

• Just say ‘no’. Do not preface it with an ‘I’m sorry but ...’ or tentative language ‘I would really like to but ...’

• Give an explanation of your feelings: ‘It does not feel right to ...’, ‘I don’t like to ...’, ‘I would feel compromised to ...’

• Give an explanation of your reasons: ‘Because I must do such and such’, ‘Because I am already committed’, ‘Because I don’t have the time’

• If appropriate thank the person: ‘Thank you for thinking of me’, ‘Thank you for the invitation’

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So Remember

• I Statements

• A respectful tone of voice

• Eye-Contact

• Appropriate Body Language

• Clear organised ideas

• Facts at hand

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Activity: Role Play

Activity: Paired Activity

Time:

Role Play 7 Mins each

Feedback: 3 Mins each

Instructions:

• Participants to sit in pairs

• Each participants states a situation in which they need to be assertive.

• Participant to use assertive skills and role play the scenario with partner

• Partner to give feedback

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WE CAN ALL BE ASSERTIVE

WITH A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE

AND

A LOT OF PRACTICE

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Leading People. Leading Organizations.

Thank you

®

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