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 Appendix B from the book The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley

 Identify Your Core Fear 

1. Identify the Conflict: Identity a recent conflict, argument, or negative situation ith your

spouse, friend, child, neighbor, coorker, etc.!something that really "pushed your buttons#, or

upset you. $hink about ho you ere feeling and ho you ished the person ould not say or do the

things that upset you.

2. Identify your Feelings: %o did this conflict or situation make you feel& 'heck all that apply!

 but star the most important feelings(

 )))unsure )))uncomfortable )))frightened

 )))apathetic )))confused )))anxious

 )))pu**led )))orried )))horrified

 )))upset )))disgusted )))disturbed

 )))sullen )))resentful )))furious

 )))sad )))bitter

 )))hurt )))fed up

 )))disappointed )))frustrated

 )))earied )))miserable

 )))torn up )))guilty

 )))shamed )))embarrassed )))other

3. Identify our Fear: %o did this conflict make you feel about yourself& +hat did the conflict

"say# about you and your feelings& 'heck all that apply, but star the most important feelings.

 !!!re"ected $he other person doesnt ant me or need me. I am not necessary in this relationship-

I feel unanted.

 !!!a#andoned $he other person ill ultimately leave me- I ill be left alone to care for myself, the

other person ont be committed to me for life.

 !!!disconnected +e ill become emotionally detached or separated- I ill feel cut off from the

other person.

 !!!li$e a failure I am not successful at being a husbandife, friend, parent, coorker- I ill not

perform correctly- I ill not live up to expectations, I am not good enough.

 !!!helpless I cannot do anything to change the other person or my situation- I do not possess the

poer, resources, capacity, or ability to get hat I ant- I ill feel controlled by the other person.

 !!!defecti%e Something is rong ith me- Im the problem.

 !!!inade&uate I am not capable- I am incompetent.

 !!!inferior /veryone else is better than I am- I am less valuable or important than others.

 !!!in%alidated +ho I am, hat I think, hat I do, or ho I feel is not valued.

 !!!unlo%ed $he other person doesnt care about me- my relationship lacks arm attachment,

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admiration, enthusiasm, or devotion.

 !!!dissatisfied I ill not experience satisfaction in the relationship. I ill not feel 0oy or

excitement about the relationship.

 !!!cheated $he other person ill take advantage of me or ill ithhold something I need- I ont

get hat I ant.

 !!!'orthless I am useless- I have not value to the other person.

 !!!unaccepted I am never able to meet the other persons expectations- I am not good enough.

 !!!"udged I am alays being unfairly 0udged- the other person forms faulty or negative opinions

about me- I am alays being evaluated- the other person does not approved of me.

 !!!hu(iliated $he relationship is extremely destructive to my self1respect or dignity.

 !!!ignored $he other person ill not pay attention to me- I feel neglected.

 !!!insignificant I am irrelevant in the relationship- the other person does not see me as an

important part of our relationship.

 !!!other )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

1. Identify our Reactions: +hat do you do hen you feel 2))insert the most important feeling

from 3uestion 4 56& %o do you react hen you feel that ay& Identify your common verbal or

physical reactions to deal ith that feeling. 'heck all that apply, but star the most important

reactions.

 !!!'ithdra'al you avoid others or alienate yourself ithout resolution- you sulk or use the silent

treatment.

 !!!escalation emotions spiral out of control- you argue, raise your voice, fly into a rage.

 !!!try harder you try to do more to earn others love and care.

 !!!negati%e #eliefs you believe the other person is far orse than is really the case- you see the

other person in a negative light or attribute negative motives to him or her.

 !!!#la(ing you place responsibility on others, not accepting fault- youre convinced the problem

is the other persons fault.

 !!!e)aggeration you make overstatements or enlarge your ords beyond bound or the truth.

 !!!tantru(s you have fits of bad temper.

 !!!denial you refuse to admit the truth or reality.

 !!!in%alidation you devalue the other person- you do not appreciate hat he or she feels or thinks

or does.

 !!!defensi%eness instead of listening, you defend yourself by providing an explanation.

 !!!clinginess you develop a strong emotional attachment or dependence on the other person.

 !!!passi%e*aggressi%e you display negative emotions, resentment, and aggression in passive

 ays, such as procrastination and stubbornness.

 !!!careta$ing you become responsible for the other person by giving physical or emotional care

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and support to the point you are doing everything for the other person, ho does nothing to care for

himself or herself.

 !!!acting out you engage in negative behaviors, such as drug or alcohol abuse, extramarital

affairs, excessive shopping or spending or overeating.

 !!!fi)*it (ode you focus almost exclusively on hat is needed to solve the problem.

 !!!co(plaining you express unhappiness or make accusations, you critici*e, creating a list of the

other persons faults

 !!!aggression or a#use you become verbally or physically aggressive, possible abusive.

 !!!(anipulation you control the other person for your on advantage, you try to get him or her

to do hat you ant.

 !!!anger and rage you display strong feelings of displeasure or violent and uncontrolled

emotions

 !!!catastrophi+e you use dramatic exaggerated expressions to depict that the relationship is in

danger or that it has failed.

 !!!nu(#ing out you become devoid of emotions, or you have no regard for others needs or

troubles.

 !!!hu(or you use humor as a ay of not dealing ith the issue at hand.

 !!!sarcas( you use negative humor, hurtful ords, belittling comments, cutting remarks or

demeaning statements.

 !!!(ini(i+ation you assert that the other person is overreacting to an issue- you intentionally

underestimate, donplay, or soft1pedal the issue.

 !!!rationali+ation you attempt to make your actions seem reasonable- you try to attribute your

 behavior to credible motives- you try to provide believable but untrue reasons for your conduct.

 !!!indifference you are cold and sho no concern.

 !!!a#dication you give aay responsibilities.

 !!!self*a#andon(ent you run yourself don- you neglect yourself.

 !!!other ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

2. ,oo$ at the ite(s you starred in response to &uestion 3. 7ist the three or four main

feelings. $hese are you core fears.

'ore fear 48))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

'ore fear 49))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

'ore fear 45))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Re(e(#er that (ost core fears are related to t'o (ain pri(ary fears: 

8. the fear of being controlled 2losing influence or poer over others6.

9. the fear of being disconnected 2separation from people and being alone6

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:ore men fear losing poer or being controlled, and more omen fear being disconnected from

relationships ith others.

3. ,oo$ at the ite(s you starred in response to &uestion -. 7ist your three or four main

reactions hen someone pushes your core fear button.;eaction 48))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

;eaction 49))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

;eaction 45))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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