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Monday 24/2/03.

They that go down to the sea in ships,and do business in great waters;These see the works of the Lord,and his wonders in the deep.

(Psalm 107, 23-24)

The same might b said of snorkeling. I put the quote in yesterday evening (Ben, Kate, Joe & Kerryhad left after the BBQ) in anticipation of leaving this morning on a trip I do each year where Iconcentrate on looking in2 water. The van is packed & I have a new pair of goggles. The idea was 2head west perhaps ultimately 2 the Eyre Peninsula via the stretch of coast in the most southerly partof SA between Port MacDonald & Kingston where I havent been b4 other than 4 a brief visit toBeachport. Except Im too tired (25/2/03. when I was told tears welled up but I was overcome byemotional exhaustion & didnt have enough energy 2 cry) having been unable 2 sleep till just b4 dawn.Tonight Ill take a valium instead of relying solely on alcohol as Ive been doing over the last week(since the note left under the door in Ivanhoe by the Prahran police in4ming us that Dan was inhospital in Paris but OK) while weve been trying 2 sort out what is happening & how 2 get him home.

H is the one who has been doing all the telefoning, e-mailing (Canberra, Embassy in Paris (whovisited him in hospital & organized a cheap hotel room @ 60 euros/night since his discharge), thehotel hes @, the modelling agency in Paris, his agency here, etc,). She has bought him a ticket on aQantas flight 2 Perth & then Melbourne that he is supposed 2 (& said he will though he suggestedshe send more funds so he could go via south africa) pick up @ the british airways counter @ theairport tuesday morning (Paris time). Tomorrow she is seeing Doig 2 get time off work because she isunsafe 2 drive. In an article on Brigitte Muir (1 st aussie woman 2 climb Everest) in this mornings Agethere is a quote from Stendhal that is said 2 have been an inspiration 2 her. It goes : we must live our dreams, not dream our life. It seems that Dans dreams are crashing down and with them perhapshim also judging by the wording of a couple of his e-mails. We dont know if he can be relied on 2catch the flight though the emergency consular service in Canberra has reassured H when she rang

just now that they will in4m the Paris embassy of our concerns & they might b able 2 accompany him2 the airport. Despite my alcohol induced sleep Ive been waking up @ nights with the image of bowling pins being scattered by a huge ball sent down by the hand of an unknown player. The imageis current with me from the film Bowling For Columbine that I saw a few weeks ago. But it hasassumed a new meaning the bowling pins are my kids getting knocked down one after the other, &sometimes, if they get up, more than once. When H @ 17 finished Heidelberg High as head prefect &dux of school trying 2 decide which scholarship 2 take up 2 Melbourne Uni she could never havepredicted that she would spend the better part of a lifetime picking up the pieces of various membersof the family starting with me, following the collapse of their lives. Hopefully it is not that serious withDan. Yesterday Kate brought Lev Shestovs In Jobs Balances which she took out on loan from theBaillieu library 4 me 2 take on the trip. By way of preparation I am rereading The Book of Job in the

bible. Seems appropriate.

*

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Because of the availability of a typist (H has already done the bit before the asterisk) & because weboth are preferring 2 stay occupied (she has not gone 2 a 2 day conference in Geelong as planned) Imight as well give an impression of the month Ive spent in Melbourne since we returned from a tripalong the south coast of NSW. In my wanderings through the city I chanced 2 talk 2 the guy whoplays the dulcimer with pencil size metal rods. He was on the corner of Bourke & Swanson st. outsideReaders Feast bookshop where I am more used 2 seeing the short fat busker with the home madedrum kit. I had mentioned in the last piece I put out (see 11/11/02 20/11/02. p3) that after an attackof bad conscience I had taken 2 tipping the drummer. Apparently the spot is in demand. I asked whathad happened 2 him & was told that its a case of first one there gets it. The drummer had come toolate that same morning. It transpires that they dont get on with each other & their enmity continues inTokyo where they also see each other. I am reconsidering who I tip but its not going 2 b the blackElvis (@ Vic. Market in the red suit but who also doubles as an aboriginal in a loin cloth playing thedidgeridoo) who incidentally is in his 50s and hails from Hervey Bay in Qld. He recently married a coolyoung chick with whom he honeymooned in Hawaii. Ill leave the tipping 2 the tourists in future &concentrate on me kids. Another thing thats happened is the death of Vic Fleming whom I last met @Brian Maclures 60 th (see 13/2/01 26/2/01. p1).

It seems Alec Drummond has an interest (perhaps knowledge?) in matters pertaining 2 heaven & hellas he once suggested 2 me that Frank Lovece might be heading down under. This was @ a time

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Sunday the 9 th of feb. was a day 4 small coincidences. I find these kind of days slightly destabilizing

but energizing though in extreme cases they can b scary (see 7/9/00 16/9/00). Lev Shestov wouldsay that science/mathematics gets around the problem by ignoring it, assigning it 2 the realm of theinexplicable & hence the non-existent. Frank L. says that the lady working @ Collected Worksbookshop in Flinders st. reckons you can experience too many coincidences & if you let yourself godown that path you get into dangerous waters. Best 2 avoid it. Ive noticed that when some youngpeople report it the next thing you hear is that they have had a breakdown. H says she doesnt havethe kind of unexplained & unlikely juxtaposition of events that happen 2 me, accounts of which shetypes up. About november last year I had a drink with Jock (Kates x) outside his workshop inFootscray. It was the only time I had seen him in 18 months & in the evening as me & H sat in thewindow of the Bocadillo bar a beautiful girl engaged us in animated conversation & then it dawned onme (I had drunk a few sangrias) that it was his sister Liz whom I also hadnt seen for 18 months & had

only met about 3 times altogether. I said this is amazing, I had a drink with Jock only hours ago butshe reckoned she takes that kind of thing 4 granted. The writer Paul Auster has many examples of the kind in a collection of short stories called American Tales. It seems that in some asian culturesunlikely events are accepted as signs of significance which is how I tend 2 react 2 them too. I wonder if in my case they occur because I am an eccentric who travels around in an irregular unpredictableway whereas most people are subject 2 routine & habit, in ways of thinking too? Is it possible thatwhen people subject themselves 2 medication 2 douse mind spin the reason they no longer havethese experiences is not so much that they dont notice them but because they become physicallyinactive & spatially confined (& trapped by habits & depression & lack of spontaneity) so thatopportunities 4 them 2 occur are eliminated? Or is it that these events occur in everyones lives butonly some of us notice while the rest draw a screen 2 prevent themselves experiencing what they are

not going 2 understand? (Frank L suggest that we all know everything but prevent ourselves fromseeing.) Anyway, on sunday 9 th I finished reading W.G. Sebalds book Austerlitz just before I washeading off 2 lunch @ litho house in Errol st. North Melb. which I dont often do & as it happened (Iread it because I had earlier read a book of his called The Emigrants, an outstanding readrecommended 2 me by Peter Murphy) for no obvious reason the very last page of it was about the 12forts that had been built around Kaunas (2 nd city of lithuania) @ the end of the 19 th century by theczarist russians & which proved totally useless during their only test in the war of 1914. Most of theforts fell in2 disrepair but some were used as prisons & the most infamous, the 9 th, became acommand post 4 the wermacht during the 2 nd war. 30000 people were murdered there with the aid of lithuanian police auxiliaries under the command of german officers. Most of the victims were jewstransported from all over europe or drawn from the Kaunas ghetto. Their bones fertilize the oatpastures a little way outside the walls. In the middle of the afternoon I took a cold beer 2 Vaidas whosells small ceramic bells & mobiles that he makes from a stall outside the cultural centre in St Kilda rd(meanwhile his wife Brigitta has a stall @ the St Kilda market ; they have a gallery in High St. Kewnear the junction) and we arranged 2 meet 4 a drink @ Time Out caf in Federation Square after hepacked up @ 3.30. It was a fluke that as he approached the table where I was already seated I wasreading Sebalds Vertigo which has a promo on the front cover by Paul Auster who describes him asOne of the most original voices to have come from Europe in recent years. Now there is a hiddencommentary here on those very convergences Ive been talking about (4 the cognoscenti at least)because Paul Auster has written a book called Mr Vertigo. It was published in 94 while SebaldsVertigo was published in 90 but since it was in german (not translated in2 english till 99) I imagine

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Auster didnt know of it when his own book came out. Whats more both authors have written at lengthabout their jewish ancestors & both often write about strange coincidences. For Paul Auster its hismain theme. So these were my thoughts when Vaidas (who has been here 5 years) ordered thedrinks. I said, you know, its a bit strange talking 2 you here when both of us were born in lithuania onthe very opposite side of the world & earlier today I had lunch @ litho house & just b4 that 4 noreason I could have predicted the book I read finished with some comments on the forts surroundingKaunas. Then Vaidas said he was born in Kaunas & I said I was too. I explained 2 him how I had aparticular interest in the events @ the 9 th fort & had discussed & written about them @ length & hetold me that there was a museum & a memorial there 4 those who had perished, which I knew of course. (25/2/03. he also told me how he corresponds with a long term friend of his who migrated 2israel 8 years ago & who used 2 b a pacifist but now talks about arabs as if they are subhuman & howthey breed like rabbits etc. etc.) Then he said that he had been one of the 50 or 60 artists who hadworked on the memorial (a huge structure in the style of soviet gigantism popular @ the time). It wasa well paid job & he worked on it 4 2 years. I think W.G. Sebald who is always interested inarchitectural history & detail would have liked 2 hear what Vaidas had 2 say. The designer of themonument had made a plaster model of it more than head high which was sawn in2 small blockseach of only a few centimeters by a few centimeters & Vaidas job had been 2 enlarge some of thesein2 full scale models (ie meters high) of clay over a skeletal frame which had concrete poured over them 2 make moulds which in turn had concrete poured in2 them in the making of the final structure.

Over the 2 years he was responsible 4 making doz of the clay models. I barely know Vaidas &Brigitta & had invited them 2 yesterdays BBQ which as it turned out they werent able 2 come 2. Imentioned 2 the kids that a couple I had recently met might turn up & that they were interestingpeople leading an independent life by making beautiful things that they sell themselves 2 people whowanted 2 buy them. & I said the bloke had been a conscript in the soviet army & no doubt hadinteresting stories 2 tell. Ben said that would be Vaidas & Brigitta & that he had met them @ theKaspariunas place. I keep saying it small world!

*

Its 10pm and Dan has just rung (reverse charge) from the airport, almost 24 hours ahead of his flight.He sounds OK but only has 2 euros 2 his name. 10.30 rang again & this time he was rambling on.Rang again at midnight so H told him shed b leaving the phone off the hook till 8.30 am when shewould b able 2 put some money in2 his account. He is not well.

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H got 10 days off from Doig. He pointed out that Dan may not b allowed on2 a flight if hes thought 2 bbhaving strangely. Therve been no calls from him so far (6.20 pm) so hopefully hes managed 2 getsome sleep. Steven called from FRM 2 find out what was going on. He said he had a client whowanted Dan 4 a 2 day job in 3 weeks which would earn him more than he has done in the year inParis (where I suspect hes hardly earnt anything). H told him he was at the airport & sounded thoughtdisordered. He gets a job but loses his sanity. I drove to Miller st. 2 pick up my folders of master copies of 3 years of writing so I could b sure 2 b making accurate references 2 past pieces. TheCanberra emergency line rang 2 say that an embassy person had gone 2 his hotel & 2 the agency inParis but had just missed him. Bill Woodlock the neighbour from Miller st. called 2 say he was gettingquotes 2 replace our joint fence as agreed. Chris Barnett called 2 tell H about the conference & 2check up on her. We dont want 2 leave the phone unmanned so someone stays in the house all thetime. H spends a lot of time laying on the bed or playing free-cell on the computer. The incidence of

this kind of thing in the general population is 1 in 100 (double for pot smokers) but in our family so far its 4 out of 7. Each event is as difficult as the previous one. Each is unique so there is hardly anybenefit from experience. I am losing emotional suppleness, the ability 2 respond. Just feel tired. For Dan its worse.

I begin to think that somewherein my past livesI have killed a chinaman(an old wives sayingto explain a piece of awful luck or dire consequence.)Since I am an old wife I take thesesayings to heart, though my heart has beenbreakingfor a long time.Speaking of chinamenthere was a custom among peasantsin the olden timesnever to brag about their childrenor praise their beauty or intellectbecause the gods would hearand do something terrible in their jealousy.So they said aloud how ugly their children wereor how deformed or simple-minded,thus averting tragedy.I wonder what fat old god I offended?He must have been looking and listeningwhen I preened about mine,letting people assume I was somehotshot earth-mother type,even presuming to hand out adviceand make judgments on other ways of doing things.How he must have laughed, his belly shaking,eyes glittering,as he set up my downfall.Does he watch me now as I writhe in despair

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watching them as they disintegrate ?helenz

Dan didnt ring during the night (I slept surprisingly well by drinking an xtra stubby instead of taking thevalium (which had been a 10mg tab that was about 30 years old)) so we think he got on the plane.Earlier in the evening Egle rang & reassured us that he would get paged if he was dozing & that if hemissed it hed get on the next one with the same ticket. Theres nothing 2 do now xcept wait. H willmeet him @ the airport 2night where he is due @ 10.20 pm. Had lunch @ the local pub. Returning tomy sketch of the previous month, a major event was the suggestion made by Andrew Saniga that Ispend a few months in an apartment in the very centre of Vilnius (capital of litholand & lately dubbedby the tourist trade as the Paris of the north) which had recently been inherited by his mum. I hadalways resisted going back to the country of my birth, not being prepared 2 go 4 a short tourist trip &not wishing 2 leave H on a longer one. Besides I enjoy what I do here. But 4 my xmas present lastyear H had given me a card titled ITS TIME with an enclosed cheque 4 $750 which read inside :

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I had rejected her offer 4 my usual reasons though everyone I asked swore by the roots xperiencewith the exception of Frank L who says when he was in calabria it occurred 2 him that he should visitthe land his father had worked & b4 he had the chance 2 xpress the thought his uncle said I supposeyou want 2 see your fathers place. Frank says that as he was kneeling down crumbling a clod of earth in his fist, observed from a respectful distance by his uncle, he heard a voice bhind him call outTHIS LAND NO LONGER BELONGS TO YOU. It had been said in good humoured jest by aneighbour & then Frank, having ground the dirt into powder, flung it down (I think it would make agood subject 4 a painting in the classical tradition) 4 he had realised that it meant nothing 2 him. Isuppose my interest would b the language which I xpect would return in full as even now if I spend afew hours talking in it (eg 2 Vaidas) later in the evening Im liable 2 break into litho in answer 2 aquestion from H. Also Id go 2 see the tree that was planted on the day of my birth in the garden of thehouse on the bank of the Nemunas river in the suburb of Panemune where I spent the 1 st 3 years of my life. The 2 nd offer coming on top of the 1 st convinced me that 2 refuse would b 2 ignore the signs.Bsides I didnt want 2 look a gift horse in the mouth. When I told Frank that I was worried that it woulddistract me from my main task he assured me that in similar circumstances he had been @ his mostproductive. Tom Fryer (Make It Up Club) claims that going 2 sweden had made him appreciate aussieculture. After all that the offer fell through. Mayb just as well. I am pasting in somedocumentation of the events of the day including the original police note.

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*I am quoting from the beginning of the 1 st essay from Lev Shestovs In Jobs Balances : Whoknows, says Euripedes, if life is not death and death life? Plato in one of his dialogues puts thesewords into the mouth of Socrates, the wisest of men, the very man who created the theory of generalideas and first considered the clarity and distinctness of our judgements to be an index of their truth.According to Plato, Socrates almost always when death is discussed says the same, or much thesame as Euripedes ----- No one knows whether life is not death and death life. Since the earliest daysthe wisest of men have lived in this state of mystified ignorance ; only common men have known quitedistinctly what life is, and what death. How has it happened, how could it happen, that the wisest is indoubt where the ordinary man can see no difficulty whatsoever, and why are the most painful andterrible difficulties always reserved for the wisest? For what can be more terrible than not to knowwhether one is alive or dead? . Where is the Oedipus who can resolve this question andpenetrate to the depths of this supreme mystery?

Here I Am

*

@ 10.40 pm I heard a car pull up. It was Ben. an hour later H & Dan turned up. Dan is fine ; loving& beautiful. Talk about style he looks like a parisian you dont get style like that here. Hes OK. Hehad a story. Ill tell it 2morrow. 4 most of the trip hes been asleep xcept 4 the time it took 2 eat the 5meals hes had. Now hes gone with Ben 2 catch up with Joe & Tony. He will b back 2morrow. Itsmidnight.

The story he told was not xactly linear. He had thrown a potplant over the balcony from the 4 th floor of the apartment he was living in with Gregor (I had thought he had been put up by the agency or was

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living with somebody called Moussa from the ivory coast) & shouted that there was a bomb in thebuilding. There were issues of sexual tension involved. Hed lived with Gregor who works 4 theagency the entire time hes been in Paris. He feels Gregor is a sinister person. Gregor, who hadphoned an interior designer friend of his who was even more sinister, had locked them inside the unit2 prevent Dan leaving. Gregor went bserk & they were both shouting from the balcony 2gether, Danabout the bomb, & him that Dan was going 2 jump. Dan had seen the interior designers car cruisingbelow & the potplant had just missed it. The car left. The apartment is under camera surveillance (acommon theme that can lead 2 efforts of demolition 2 locate the devices) 2 assess the potential of models 4 ad & film parts. It was the fire brigade who took him 2 hospital (lHopital Maison Blanche)(2day he tells me he has been in hospital twice) whom he told that he was a sky marshall fromaustralia, much 2 their amusement. He also had claimed (perhaps in another incident) that he wasthe king of germany, & again, the king of lithuania (more modest than claims 2 b jesus christ)(or Oedipus?). Everyone had a laugh about that. He says he has sent a letter 2 litho house in Melbourne(just desserts seeing I have been a mail artist) about us parents which should b there by theweekend. I said Id include it in the journal if I get hold of it. He says he went 2 Paris 2 make it as amodel but in the entire stay only got 1 decent job. He does not appear 2 have learnt a word of frenchhaving spent the days reading newspapers in english, including the Melbourne Age, on the internet.The xtremely unin4mative & rare emails we received were there4 not due 2 lack of opportunity. Hecame back @ 10 this morning & has sorted out his clothes & is getting his room shipshape. Ive

scored a couple of great shirts including an ornate african one that must have belonged 2 Moussa.Incidentally Gregor is a racist & Moussa (who has french citizenship & cant get back 2 the ivory coastcoz of the turmoil there & coz he belongs 2 the upper caste that are bing 4ced out.) means a lover. Bythis evening he will have gone virtually 24 hours without sleep & my immediate concern is that he getsome. He says he doesnt mind me writing this account since if I get it wrong people can check withhim. When I had been hyped up in like manner I lost the capacity 2 know if I needed 2 eat or sleep.Finally I blew my fuses & everything came crashing down. I was invaded by sounds & voices thatwere so overwhelming that they had me frantically ringing Prof Ball (I had his name from a shrinkfriend of mine) @ the Royal Park clinic (where the athletes village 4 the commonwealth games is 2 bbilt) pleading that I was going insane. I still dont know if it was the effect of the medication or of theshorting of the fuses that put me in2 a dpression, the depths of which I could not have imagined,

which took years (under optimal circumstances, with the best doctors & the best wife, & withoutfinancial problems) 2 climb out of. In these situations 1 in 8 commit suicide. I can hear Dan watchingThe Lord of The Rings DVD & Im about 2 ask H if she can type this on the other computer. I amputting off my travel plans by a week till monday so as 2 b able 2 spend the weekend with H @ Miller st. My reward 4 having been delayed is that Im here as the 4mosa lillies start blooming in the frontyard @ the Ivanhoe house. Im putting in copies of notes Dan got from a couple of friends he made inthe hospital. My situation is that Im being made 2 watch my beautiful (& well intentioned, & without anounce of malice btween the lot of them) children being dstroyed (or mayb not 4 I have never nviedanyone & wouldnt b as I am without having survived (4med by?) similar xperiences) & I amregistering a protest.

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*

Spent the day writing, editing, pasting. Dan is mercifully showing signs of slowing down. Hes gonewith H 2 visit Vi & then theyve arranged 2 meet Kate over a coffee. H is ensuring that he is eatingproperly. When she rang Kate @ teatime it was the 1 st Kate knew. We hadnt wanted 2 upset her withdramatic surmises as she is about 2 do her final teaching round & is nclined 2 overreact @ the best of times. Ive got some way in2 In Jobs Balances. The njoyment I get from Shestovs writing doesntblind me 2 how confusion about the way language works makes most of his polemic meaningless.Rang mum 2 say Dan had made it.

Its 12.15 pm. Me & H never got out of bed till 11 & Dan still hasnt surfaced. Its his 1 st sleep in hischildhood bed since he got off the plane. I was reminding him yesterday of the mportance of regular sleep & healthy eating when you are trying 2 combat xessive stress. (There is an xellent book by KurtVonneguts son (who later got a medical doctorate @ Harvard) after a breakdown giving the sameadvice. Unfortunately I must have lent it 2 someone who hasnt returned it & its probably no longer inprint.) Often enough these simple requirements are impossible 2 achieve with the best intentions.Dan reckons a glass of red wine @ bedtime is the best guarantee of sleep 4 him. Yesterday eveninghe had a couple with Kate & H. I agree with him & have a lifelong habit of resisting medical drugsusing them only as a last resort. I probably use fewer drugs (almost xclusively antacid for theoesophagitis) over 10 years than the average person these days uses in a year (I notice kids usedisprin routinely now). However there are times that you can b so severely assaulted by storms of perceptions that its handy 2 have access 2 medication just in case they require immediate dousing.So I am glad that Dan has seen his way clear 2 a consultation with dr. Doig on monday 2 discuss if medicine can help his efforts 2 establish a regular sleeping pattern. As parents all we can do isprovide a safe & stable base 4 him 2 find his feet. Hopefully when he wakes (was up at 2.30 pm.) hewill have distanced himself from his traumas in Paris. In the long term the issue of an income will rear

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its head as it always does in these situations. At our age parents are no longer fit 4 the role of raisingchildren (though I notice mothers when necessary will maintain it till they drop) specially adult ones(who might be nclined 2 sleep through the days & spend nights rearranging the furniture) whose self esteem is damaged by the knowledge of their dpendence on the people they would most like 2mpress. In an effort 2 protect their dignity (4ever undermined by societal attitudes & institutionalrequirements) curious inversions can take place as 4 instance where the sick person convinceshimself that he is responsible 4 the welfare of the parents whose financial contribution is payment(perhaps inadequate) 4 services rendered. Consequently he may b reluctant or unable 2 accesseither unemployment or sickness benefits so perpetuating the problem. Its a vicious circle. Verbalstructures, however elaborate, are always @ the service of unarticulated needs. @ times, under pressure of circumstances, they are an attempt 2 hide what remains mbarrassingly visible 2everyone. This is no less the case in the general community. We are all capable of it. John Howarddid a trip around the world 2 drum up support 4 war that he called a peace effort. The toll of all thelying has become noticeable on the faces of Hill, Downer, & Ruddock. But Johns face seemsunmarked, buoyed perhaps by the knowledge of his role as a man of destiny on the world stage. @litho house a guy @ the bar (I notice that drinkers are smarter than professors) told me that he will nolonger vote 4 the libs as Johns relationship 2 George reminded him of Mussolinis 2 Hitler a littleman who would b a big man.

Adding 2 my comments on the events of last month. A papal legate visited Baghdad 2 tell Husseinthat an attack on iraq was not justified. The pope might have said something of the sort 2 Tony Blair too. How xtraordinary it is that an organization which is supposed 2 represent the teachings of thenazarene claims 4 itself the right 2 dtermine what is or is not a just war. 4 make no mistake, thesepathetically minor admonitions serve no other purpose than 2 activate the claim. They will not retardthe march 2 war by 1 beat. If the catholic church were really serious about promoting the teachings of the prophet it would be shouting loud & clear from every pulpit that no one who goes 2 war is afollower of christ, & xpel them from the organization. It would 4bid its members 2 pay taxes 4 thepurpose. It would not supply pastors to the armed services. & of course, if it did all that, it would lose

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the support of those who are not genuine followers & find itself persecuted by the state. No one whoreads the story of christs life in good faith (single sentences can b used 2 support any point of view) &considers its xample as a whole can have any doubt that it is a complete perversion (the opposite of what he represented) 2 suggest that there is room in it 4 a theory of a just war. The theory of the justwar (ie the war where god is on our side) was the invention of theologians after christianity bcame theofficial religion of the roman empire (there are parallels here with the USA & also with Tony Blairs talkof moral war) under the emperor Constantine. (By contrast Mohammed was a political leader who ledcampaigns against his opponents. So we have the curious situation of muslim leaders writing letters 2newspapers saying islam stands 4 peace @ a time when a muslim nation is about 2 b attacked by acoalition of christian powers who claim 2 b the disciples of the original pacifist. It was like that with thecrusaders.) I notice too that the vatican has opened its archives so that it can b proven that it did notstand idly by when europe under Hitler was murdering its jews. Apparently there are some letterswhich rebuke the murderers & ncourage the bishops 2 resist them. 2 have said so little so quietly thatit has 2 b sought in archives is, under the circumstances, tantamount 2 having had condoned it itsoothed the conscience without ndangering the privileges. I piss on the churches. I state my caseclearly so as not 2 b guilty of like equivocation. Returning 2 the present. Since getting up this arvoDan is perfectly normal. He is keen 2 b helpful & climbed up on the roof 2 clean the guttering & clear the ivy off the tiles. H is dropping him of @ Joe & Bens & as he left he said hed catch up with me 4lunch @ litho house on sunday which is convenient as I was intending 2 go there 2 see if I could get

hold of his letter from france (mayb from The White House the lhopital Maison Blanche?) 4 the journal. With a bit of luck his problems are no greater than b4 he left 4 europe ie that he cannot finda suitable niche 4 himself in society (& come 2 think of it that he is now in debt 2 FRM (& 2 Madisonas well H says)). 2night H & me are off 2 Brunswick st & then 2 Miller st.

Read the paper @ the Errol. Ate lunch @ China Bar round the corner from Stalactites. Drank aschooner of beer in a bar in Federation Square where there was a gathering of indian people whobelonged 2 a sect whose members seemed 2 b infatuated with the colour orange (but they werent theorange people). The big screen was showing a film xplaining their beliefs which are centred on 5

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simple truths (which I cant remember) all of which seemed self evident 2 the point of beingmeaningless. As we sat drinking they led a very frail old man who appeared almost blind in2 therestaurant their guru I suppose. Saw the film Solaris which cost me $8 because I get a concessionfor being a senior. Thats $2 less than a childs price. H had to pay $14 because being mployed shedoesnt qualify 4 a seniors card. Curiously @ the very end of the film the lead character was sayingthat he did not know if he was dead or alive not unlike, if Shestov is 2 b blieved, Socrates, Euripides &other wise men have been inclined 2 wonder. In fact the film could have been a commentary on theShestov passage I quoted on wednesday. I think I have 2 pass some remarks on these insanities. Iam writing @ Miller st. on a showery cold day with the aid of a glass of lambrusco. H has gone downthe street 2 get a magazine, shes sick of playing FreeCell. Lets start with the word life. How canthere b any confusion about it? If I were 2 ask an old drunk (mayb sitting in the bus shelter outside theRoyal Melbourne Hospital with a flagon of wine next 2 him) what is life he would look @ me withincredulity & he might say, spilling some wine, as he made a large gesture : its everything, its all this,this whole fucken mess. Hed be right too. You cant get a better definition. Id like 2 b a guru sitting ontop of a mountain looking impressive with matted hair & when a seeker of knowledge climbed up &asked what is the meaning of it all Id turn him round & say look down there where you came from,thats about as much as youre gunna know. Children dont even ask. Marcel Proust spent a lifetimewriting about an instant of it. Montaigne said his book was his life & he wrote about anything thatcaught his fancy. Heraclitus said you cannot step in2 the same river twice. Borges said thats bcause

youre not the same person twice. I suggest that its bcause we are the river. I am one of thosecommon men who has no problem with knowing what death is either : its the absence of life. Thesigns are obvious. When youre dead youre dead all over as the bushranger said. After a while youbcome a worm farm (though there are xeptional circumstances. When I was about 8 in Bagnoli, a DPcamp outside Naples, I would on occasions pick off what looked like earthworms from the inside of me thighs coming out from under the leg of me shorts. I was a dreamy sort of kid & it didnt bother memore than that I was slightly embarrassed & didnt want anyone 2 see. When I went 4 a crap Id findmore of them. I dont know if it was me that finally twigged 2 what was happening or me parentsspotted it but, yes, you guessed it I had bcome a living worm farm. The worms were coming out of me arse. My next memory was that I was in hospital & too weak 2 stand up. That was one of theseveral occasions when my life was saved by modern medicine. The italian hospital system (or was it

UNRRA?) is responsible 4 me having evaded my fate & being here 2 write these notes 4 you). If wedidnt agree on what words meant we wouldnt b able 2 understand each other. Even words that wecall abstract or words 4 emotions are contracts about meaning (agreements about what actions gowith them ; placing in an order ; putting in context). With the xeption of Shestovs wise men we allknow what death means just as certainly as we know what life is. The 2 words define each other. 2ask if theres life after death is like asking whether there is life when its no longer there. You could askwhether the possible is impossible (Shestov wrote a book titled Everything is Possible), whether black is white, whether on is off. I dont ask questions like that. Strangely enough many do (& I knowwhy but this is not the place 4 an xplanation) & there is no shortage of people only too ready 2 giveanswers the wise men. So if somebody asks me if there is everlasting life I would have 2 answer that the question makes no sense. But then most things people talk about make no sense 2 me.

Solaris made no sense even though Adrian Martin gave it 5 stars. Shestov makes no sense. I live in aworld where hardly anything makes sense. (@ the Make It Up Club Tom Fryer remarked that it was allan illusion (that was a couple of days after me & H saw a performance of A Midsummer Nights Dreamin the botanic gardens which claims that we are the stuff that dreams are made of (wrong play helenz)) which may b true but its 1 that is jointly held & people can kill 2 maintain illusions). Its myspecial condition & the other part of my condition is that Im surrounded by experts. Of more concern 2me is that I could b accused of disloyalty (Montaigne says that when Origen (c.185 - c.254) was made2 choose btween dnying his gods or submitting to a very large & ugly ethiopian 4 the latters sexualgratification he btrayed his gods. He went on 2 bcome a famous christian theologian & Id b interested2 know what he would have done later if he had had 2 choose btween dnying christ & nduring the

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lascivious ethiopian) 2 the great teacher from nazareth who frequently talked of everlasting life. Myanswer is that I could teach my parrot 2 say life is 4ever, up is down, on is off, high is low how do Iknow bcause az. said so. But no matter how often it said it Id get no pleasure from it. Likewise Ido not blieve that the prophet would desire a parrots loyalty from me. The churches on the other handdmand precisely that kind of dvotion. I had intended 2 get in2 a serious discussion of how we use &abuse words such as life & death but Im gunna have a few more drinks instead while H does thetyping. I am feeling more inclined 2 ntertain than xplain, taking a leaf out of Montaignes book & writingabout anything that comes in2 my head. 2wards the end of his life (I think he was 59 when he died)Montaigne was in severe pain from stones in the kidneys & urinary tract & sometimes would go 4 up24 days without a piss. It influenced what he wrote. He says that the emperor Tiberius used 2 have thepricks of the condemned tied up so that they couldnt piss @ all so they died slowly in xcruciating pain.A macedonian tyrant used 2 stretch out the death agonies of his enemies for up 2 two weeks byskinning them alive. When a victim died under torture the emperor Nero would say : that 1 got awayfrom me. On the other hand the lithuanian king Witold (known as Vytautas by lithos & after whom myfather was named) was so sensitive (he had himself crowned by the pope as a christian) that rather than make someone responsible 4 taking anothers life he made those condemned 2 death take their own. Thats life - & death, & Im going 2 have a drink.

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Sunday. H left be4 I got out of bed 2 take Michael 2 the latest Star Trek film. Read the paper @ theErrol. @ litho house 1 of the items on the menu was a real ethnic 1 : sausage skins stuffed withgrated spud with a sauce of spirguciai (fried diced bacon) & sour cream. It was delicious. Dan turnedup & got 2 touch base with a few people he knew. Considering what hes gone through hes doing verywell. Jule Simankevicius was telling me that her brother, whose name is also Arunas, says that once

you start noticing coincidences you see them more & more till it gets right out of hand. I said Id sendher a copy of this piece. I spent the longest time talking 2 Algis Klimas (like us with a lot of kids) whohas been learning 2 play the guitar 4 30 years. He pays a teacher $40 / lesson & is supposed 2spend 20 mins per day practicing. Problem is he hasnt made enough progress 2 play a single tune &isnt sufficiently motivated 2 do the practice. Got the letter that Dan addressed to me @ litho housefrom lhopital Maison Blanche in Paris & am including it (with his permission) in miniaturized format @the start of todays entry. Im very grateful for the sentiments it contains. Talked to Mykolas who wasworking in the kitchen. He told me that he had been 1 of those involved in the work on the museum &memorial @ the 9 th fort (he is also from Kaunas). He was in charge of a group of ngineers in thepreparation of working drawings & in supervisory tasks of various aspects during the construction. Its

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tea time (in Ivanhoe), H is back (shell do the typing later), & Im about 2 settle in 2 watch Collingwoodtake on Hawthorn in the Wizard Cup.

Im quoting from a treatize titled The Book of Questions and Answers by Abdisho Hazzaya whoprobably died around 690 AD in the monastery of Maragna between the Tigris & Euphrates in centraliraq (as quoted by James Cowan in Journey to the Inner Mountain, a book I dont recommend as itscharacterized by vague language & religious cliches).

The heart of the man will be filled with the holy light of the vision of this theory (practice) to such anextent that the mind will not even perceive and distinguish itself, because all the faculties of itsspiritual nature will at that time become absorbed in it. There will neither be thought or anything, nor any consciousness and remembrance, nor any impulse or inward movements, but only ecstasy inGod and an ineffable rapture. Blessed is the man who has been found worthy of this gift, the workingsof which cannot be expressed with corporeal tongue. Indeed, there will then be made manifestmysteries and revelations, which only a mind can receive spiritually from a mind, because having nopower over them a corporeal tongue is not able to express them.

&We say that we see light in the sphere of spirituality, but this light is not a material light. We say also

that we have there a spiritual food, but that food is not like the one we have here ; we say further thatour mind will perceive there the sound of glorification of the spiritual hosts, and it will there havespeech and conversation, but that speech does not resemble the one we hold with one another. Thesound that is heard there by our mind is so fine that our senses are not able to receive it, and thecorporeal tongue is not able to utter and describe that which is made manifest there by the mind,whether it be made through our sense of vision or through that of hearing.

&It is this gradual ascent that raises you up and makes you participate in the holy light of the vision of Christ. From this glorious and holy vision you will fall into ecstasy over the broad world, the benefits of which are ineffable. From this ecstasy you will derive a flow of spiritual speech and knowledge of both

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worlds : of the one that has passed and the one that shall pass, and also a consciousness of futurethings, together with a holy smell and taste ; the fine sounds of spiritual intelligence (angels) : joy,

jubilation, exultation, glorification, songs, hymns and odes of magnification ; communion with thespiritual hierarchies ; sight of Paradise ; eating from its tree of life

I have quoted from Abdisho Hazzaya (an anchorite of the eastern branch of the christian church) atlength bcause I have been visited by similar xperiences though I have not sought them throughascetic practice or been nclined 2 xplain them in religious terms. I bring it up here bcause it waspointed out 2 me (by Frank L) that my analysis of language undermines belief in the spiritual & in theafterlife which so many dpend on. But I have 2 write about things as I know them. If jesus of nazarethsays whatsoever you shall ask in my name you shall receive or if he says if you ask 4 a fish shall youb given a snake I am capable of accepting (blieve, take on faith) his claims, however unlikely, bcauseI at least understand what I am being asked 2 do. But when I am asked 2 blieve in life after death itwould b an mpty gesture 2 accept what is unintelligible. There is already enough mpty babble in theworld without me adding 2 it. Having made those qualifications I am able 2 testify that the xperiencesI have had have made me careless of death it has lost its dominion. I recognize that bcause each of us has something unique (not reachable by anyone) & bcause our xperience (& histories) differ whatis true 4 me may not b 4 others. However the xperiences Im speaking of were so overwhelming that I

cant imagine that others wouldnt b equally changed. Whichever way, I give an account if only 2 hold amirror 2 those who have glimpsed some of what I have seen.

Its been a big week. Dan seems his normal unrealistic self. Yesterday he cancelled the appointmentwith Doig. I think hes OK. The xpense is ours. Ive put off my travelling plans by another week bcauseI might as well get this piece out now. Im still on my way 2 the coast.

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dont follow mealong that gentlegentle road

4getthe sweet & heady smellof windsalong the coast

4 I thinkon just such a day as thisI will catchan afternoon sea breeze

& drift awayin2 an aimless sea