aTIME

to FORGIVE

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,unuen vtrnSOURCE BOOK

LAWS OF FORGIVENESS

BETWEEN MAN AND MAN

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A National Family Bet Midrash at a Time of Introspection

and Reconciliationto Enrich Our Lives, Relationships

and the Season of Teshuvah

Edited by RABBI YAACOV HABER and RABBI JACOB S. RUBENSTEIN

Produced by the Orthodox Union and the Rabbinical Council of America

Mandell I. Ganchrow, M.D.President, Orthodox Union

Rabbi Raphael ButlerExecutive Vice President

Marcel WeberChairman, Board of Directors

Dr. Marcos KatzChairman, Board of Directors

DEPARTMENT OF SYNAGOGUE SERVICES

Stephen J. SavitskyNational Chairman, Synagogue Services Commission

Rabbi Moshe D. KrupkaNational Director, Synagogue Services

Frank BuchweitzDirector, Greater New York Area and Special Projects

Rabbi Yaakov HaberNational Director, Jewish Education

Rabbi Yitzchok RosenbergNational Director, Educational Programs

Rabbi Mayer WaxmanDirector, Community Services

Rabbi Kenneth HainPresident

Rabbi Steven DworkenExecutive Vice President

Rabbi Jacob S. RubensteinHonorary President

Rabbi Heshie BilletFirst Vice President

Rabbi Jonathan RosenblattVice President

Rabbi Kenneth AumanVice President

Rabbi Tzvi Hersh WeinrebVice President

Rabbi Elazar R. MuskinVice President

Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of Americavehrntc ohxeusu,rutv ,ukhve sujhtEleven Broadway • New York, NY 10004-1303

Tel: 212-563-4000 • Fax: 212-564-9058 • www.ou.org

Orthodox UnionRabbinical Council of America

vehrnts ohbcrv ,urs,xv305 Seventh Avenue • New York, NY 10001-6008

Tel: 212-807-7888 • Fax: 212-727-8452

RCA

swwxc

Dedicated to the memory of

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Stanley M. Kleinkwwz arhv hcm ic hfsrn ktrah

jwwba, wkukt cwwh wpb

1 9 3 4 - 1 9 9 8

/v /c /m /b /,

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

By his family and friends

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A Time to Forgive 23

Contents

Introduction .................................................................................... i

Guide to the Sources ....................................................................ii

Sources ..............................................................................1a - 11b

The Individual and the Community ............................................12From the Writings of Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik kwwmz on Teshuvah

Ten Commandments of Forgiveness ..........................................13

Exercises ....................................................................................14

Stories and Table Thoughts on Forgiveness ......................15 - 20

Afterword ....................................................................................21

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A Time to Forgive INTRODUCTION

ForgivenessBefore we ask G-d, let’s ask each other.

A time to reflect; a time to confess; a time to heal; a time to forgive.

On a daily basis, each of us struggles with our humanity and our divinity. Life is a rollercoaster of stresses and tensions, pushes and pulls, attractions and distractions,successes and failures, loves and hurts that often challenge the mind and heart,body and soul. How we respond to these challenges defines our humanity and thequality of our lives. But being human means making mistakes and missing the mark.

Being human means that we will inevitably hurt others and we will be hurt by them. How we react toour mistakes and those of others, what we do with our feelings of regret, anger, resentment and guiltrepresents the truest barometer of our faith, love and happiness.

There are many of us who carry hurt from parents, siblings, children, relatives, friends and eveninstitutions. Often these hurts are not resolved and they linger deep in our heart with negative conse-quences. They deeply affect relationships and the tranquillity of life. They keep us from mastering ourlives and thwart our chances for happiness. Ultimately, they affect our connection to Hashem and ourability to lead a truly religious life.

Repentance and Forgiveness are not only a religious requirement but a gift from a loving G-d to animperfect world. They are not only fundamental elements of religious living, but also foster a healing ofour humanity. By making peace with our self, and one’s fellow man one makes peace with G-d.

All of life is a continuum of repentance and forgiveness — of correcting a course, of setting newstandards and of developing new goals. We all yearn to reconcile the past and move on.

A Time To Forgive is the source book for a national campaign to help people, “do” forgiveness.The program aims, in this season of repentance, to bring families together across the country to studythe nature of sin, remorse, regret and response. The program earnestly hopes to heal the fragmentsof the Jewish soul and create a spirit of national reconciliation between people at a time when atone-ment is near. The learning campaign seeks to develop an atmosphere of national forgiveness in rela-tions between people, whether personal or ideological. We are forever mindful that our individualactions determine the name and fame, fate and faith of Israel.

This Source Book is designed to focus on only one theme in a vast tradition of interrelated laws anddivine principles. But if we concentrate on understanding and performing this one mitzvah of Forgivenesswith sincerity and commitment it will affect our faith, our observance and our overall spirituality.

The Torah has its own dynamic process of asserting truth, of making value judgments and deter-mining moral worth. It is a framework that encompasses all of life and enables each of us to not onlyfind our humanity through Hashem, but to discover Hashem though our humanity. So open your mindand heart. Go study.

i

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A Time to Forgive GUIDE TO THE SOURCES

1 Rabbi Eliezer ben Azariah punctuated the verse toread: “Sins that you have done before G-d will be

forgiven on Yom Kippur.” Whereas sins against ones fel-lowman require personal reconciliation.

1a. We are commanded to repent before G-d on YomKippur.

1b. According to the Mishna, the verse excludes sinsbetween people.

1c. In order to repent for sins against G-d, we mustfirst repent for sins against others.

1d. Partial forgiveness, like partial immersion in amikva, is meaningless.

2 If one offended another person, even if only verbal-ly, he must beg his forgiveness.

2a. If we harm another person, King Solomon suggeststhat we humble ourselves before that person.

2b. The Talmud points out that the verse refers to any-one who gets on his or her friends “bad side”even with words.

2c. The Rambam quotes the Talmud as a Halacha. Notjust a good idea, but the law.

3 If one offends his fellow man he must beg his for-giveness. If it is not granted he must return three

times. If the one offended is his “Rebbe,” he mustreturn, even 1000 times.

One is permitted to withhold forgiveness if it is forthe good of the offender.

3a. There is no obligation to ask for forgiveness morethan three times. Even so, Rav approached RebChanina every year because he was his Rebbe.

3b. After not granting forgiveness 3 times, the offended isconsidered a cruel person. However, a “Rebbe” is notfaulted because the intention is to teach.

3c. R. Shimon repeatedly begged forgiveness. Elijahthe Prophet refused to grant it.

4 Hashem commanded Avimelech to ask Abraham topray for him. It wasn’t enough just to return his

wife. He had to become so close to Abraham thatAbraham would actually pray for Avimelech and hishousehold.

Abraham not only granted forgiveness to Avimelech,but he prayed for him and his whole household. TheTalmud derives from here that if one doesn’t grant forgiveness when asked to do so, he is considered a cruelperson.

4a. G-d commanded Avimelech to “become close”with Abraham.

4b. This applies to anyone who has harmed another person.

4c. Abraham, in turn, was obligated to forgiveAvimelech entirely.

5 If one offends his fellow man, one must beg for-giveness. If it is not granted, he must return three

times, as did the brothers of Joseph.Each time the offender asks for forgiveness,

he must change his language and ask from a differentangle.

5a. The brothers beg Joseph’s forgiveness several times.

5b. They were careful to use a different approach each time.

6 From Joseph’s response to his brothers asking for-giveness, we learn that it is insufficient to just not

take revenge, one must also extend to them acts of lov-ing kindness beyond what he would otherwise not haveextended.

Joseph’s pledge to support his brothers was thehighest form of forgiveness.

7 Joseph, however, did not explicitly grant forgivenessto his brothers, even though he comforted them. The

brothers died without ever being forgiven explicitly.Because of this their descendants were punished withthe death of the Ten Martyrs in the hands of the Romans.

Although Joseph was kind to his brothers, he neg-lected to actually forgive them. His descendants werepunished.

8 If one is asked for forgiveness, but refuses to grantit, he is taking revenge of his oppressor. He is,

therefore, violating a prohibition of the Torah. One must realize that everything comes from

Hashem. The person who hurt you is a pawn in thehands of Hashem. There is, therefore, no reason not togrant his request for forgiveness.

8a. It is forbidden to take revenge.8b. If we are offended or hurt, we must realize that the

hurt came from G-d.8c. Not granting forgiveness is a form of revenge.

9 Saul killed Gibeonites when he massacred the peo-ple of Nov. They never forgave the Jews for this.

Because of their lack of forgiveness, Hashem broughtfamine on Israel for three years. David asked theGibeonites for forgiveness, but they wouldn’t forgiveunless seven sons of Saul were hung. David proclaimed“the Gibeonites lack of basic Jewish quality, and there-fore never can become Jewish.”

9a. The Gibeonites refuse to forgive Saul.9b. King David says, “If they can’t forgive,

they can’t be Jews.”

10 We must ask for forgiveness personally.

11 It is best to forgive someone who hurt you evenif they don’t ask for your forgiveness.

11a. R. Nechemia forgave even those who didn’tapproach him.

11b. A prayer.

ii

The following sources are arranged thematically. As you will notice, each theme is numbered,contains a “Key Concept” and one or more supporting text(s). This is a summary and guide ofall the sources and major concepts.

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VAYIKRA: ACHAREI MOT 16 :30 1a

KEY CONCEPT:

Rabbi Elazar benAzariah punctuated

the verse to read: “Sins that you havedone before Hashemwill be forgiven on

Yom Kippur.”Whereas sins against

another personrequire personal reconciliation.

Someone approached the

great Rav Eliyohu Lapian and

asked him forgiveness for

speaking negatively about

him. Rav Eliyohu told the

person that he would have to

get back to him. Indeed he

did, three days later. He said,

“I spent the last three

days and nights working

out my forgiveness for you.

I can now say I forgive you.”

30For on this day he shall provide atonement for you to cleanse you; from allyour sins before Hashem shall you be cleansed.

From this verse, R.Elazar ben Azaria expounds that repentance and the Yom Kippur

service can effect atonement only for sins before Hashem, meaning sins against God,

which have not harmed other people. But if one sinned against his fellows, God will not

forgive him until he first appeases the person whom he has wronged (Sifra, Yoma 85b).

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MISHNAH: YOMA 8 :9 1b

For sins between man and G-d, Yom Kippur provides atonement; but forsins between man and his fellow man, Yom Kippur does not provide atone-ment, until he appeases his fellow man.

This did R. Elazar ben Azariah expound: ‘From all of your sins before G-d shall you be cleansed (Lev. 16:30)’ — for sins between man and G-d YomKippur provides atonement, but for sins between man and his fellow man,Yom Kippur does not provide atonement, until he appeases his fellow man.

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CHAVOT YA IR , YEFEH LEV IN KAF HACHAYIM 606 :3 1c

One who offends another and does not receive his forgiveness cannot be atoned for any

of his sins, even those that have nothing to do with this particular transgression or person.

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RABBI YEHUDA LE IB G INZBURG IN MUSSAR HAMISHNAH 1d

...Just like when one immerses in a mikvah, one’s entire body must be surrounded with water at one time,so too when one repents before G-d, both the spiritual and social sins must be atoned at the same time.

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MISHLEI 6 :1 -5 2a

1My child, if you have been a guarantor of your friend, if you have given yourhandshake for a stranger, 2you have been trapped by the words of yourmouth, snared by the words of your mouth. 3Do this, therefore, my child, andbe rescued; for you have come into your fellow’s hand. Go humble yourself[before him], and placate your fellow. 4Give not sleep to your eyes, nor slum-ber to your eyelids; 5be rescued like a deer from the [hunter’s] hand, and likea bird from the fowler.

KEY CONCEPT:

If you offended another person,

even if only verbally,you must beg

his forgiveness.

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YOMA 87A 2b

R. Isaac said: Whosoever offends his neighbor, and does it only through words, must pacify him, as itis written: My son, if thou art become surety for thy neighbor, if thou hast struck thy hands for astranger, thou art snared by the words of thy mouth...do this, now, my son, and deliver thyself, seeingthou art come into the hand of thy neighbor; go, humble thyself, and urge thy neighbor.

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HILCHOT TESHUVAH 2 :9 2c

Teshuvah and Yom Kippur only atone for sins between man and G-d; forexample, a person who ate a forbidden food or engaged in forbidden sexu-al relations, etc. However, sins between man and man; for example, some-one who injures his fellow man, curses his fellow man, steals from him, orthe like will never be forgiven until he gives his fellow man what he oweshim and appeases him.

It may be inferred that Yom Kippur will only cleanse a person of those sins which are

“before G-d” alone.

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YOMA 87A/B

Once Rav was expounding portions of the Bible before Rabbis, and thereentered (87b) R. Hiya, whereupon Rav started again from the beginning; asBar Kappara entered, he started again from the beginning; as R. Simeon,the son of Rabbi entered, he started again from the beginning. But when R. Hanina b. Hama entered, he said: So often shall I go back? And he did notgo over it again. R. Hanina took that amiss. Rav went to him on thirteen evesof the Day of Atonement, but he would not be pacified. But how could he doso, did not R. Jose b. Hanina say: One who asks pardon of his neighborneed not do so more than three times? It is different with Rav (It is differentwith one’s teacher).

Other Rishonim render the words “It is different with Rav” to mean a teacher is differ-

ent. Rav attempted to appease R. Hanina so many times because R. Hanina was his

teacher. The limit of three attempts applies only when one has wronged his “fellow.” If

a student wrongs his teacher, he must try as many times as necessary until the teacher

is placated (Rabbeinu Chananel; Rif; Rambam, Hil. Teshuvah 2:9; Rosh 17 [end]; Tur and

Shulchan Aruch ibid.).

o h b u h g/cr ka ucr vhv tbhbj ’r hf /hbta ucr :v,hv ohbuatrv in ohcr ,xrdu

KEY CONCEPT:

If one offends his fellow man he mustbeg for forgiveness. If it is not granted,

he must return threetimes. If the one

offended is his Rebbe,he must return even

1,000 times.

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SHULCHAN ARUCH: H ILCHOT YOM HAKIPURIM 606 :7 /9

One who forgives ought not be cruel in forgiveness, unless his intension isfor the good of the one seeking resolution.

For the good of the seeker — In order that he subjugate his heart and not behave as

such. Nevertheless, it appears that one is required to remove hatred from his heart,

being that in truth forgiveness was sought.

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DERECH ERETZ RABAH 4 3c

You should always be pleasant onentering and leaving [a house].Spend less time on business andoccupy yourself with [the study of]the Torah. It once happened that R. Simeon b. Eleazar was comingfrom Migdal Eder from the houseof his teacher and was ridingleisurely on his donkey by the seaside*. A certain man chanced tomeet him, who was exceedinglyugly. He said to him, ‘Ravka, howugly are the children of Abrahamour father!’ The other replied,‘What can I do for you? Speak tothe Craftsman Who made me.’ R. Simeon b. Eleazar immediatelydismounted from his donkey, prostrated himself before him andsaid to him, ‘I apologize to you,forgive me.’ He replied to him, ‘I will not forgive you until you goto the Craftsman Who made meand say to Him, “How ugly is thevessel which you have made!”’ R. Simeon walked behind him forthree mil. When his fellow-citizensheard [of his arrival] they came outto meet him, greeting him with thewords, ‘Peace be upon you,Rabbi.’ The man said to them,‘Whom are you calling Rabbi?’They answered, ‘He who is walk-ing behind you.’ Thereupon heexclaimed, ‘If this man be a Rabbi,may there not be any more likehim in Israel!’ He told them thewhole story. They earnestlybegged him to pardon him, and hereplied, ‘I will forgive him, but onlyon condition that he does not actin the same manner again.’

*According to Tosafot, the man was

Elijah the Prophet.

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BEREISHIT: VAYEIRA 20 :6 -7 4a

7But now, return the man’s wife for he is a prophet, and he will pray for youand you will live, but if you do not return her, be aware that you shall surelydie: you and all that is yours.

KEY CONCEPT:

Hashem commandedAvimelech to askAbraham to pray for him. It wasn’t

enough just to returnhis wife. He had tobecome so close to

Abraham thatAbraham would actually pray for

Avimelech and hishousehold.

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MISHNAH: BAVA KAMMA 8 :7 4b

THE RAAVAD

Even though he gives him, he is not forgiven until he asks from him, as it iswritten, “Now therefore restore the wife of...” (Gen. 20:7)

Even though he gives him — The five types of compensation: damage, pain, healing, loss

of time, and shame; he is not forgiven until he asks from him — forgiveness for the suf-

fering he caused him because of his shame; as it is written, “Now therefore restore the

wife of the man; for he is a prophet, and he shall pray for you” — Avimelech was not for-

given until he asked Avraham to forgive him and pray for him.

From this exchange the Sages derive that one who injures his neighbor is not absolved

from his sin even if he pays all expenses and damages. He must also seek forgiveness

from the one he has wronged (Bava Kamma 92a).

As it says, “Restore the man’s wife,...” — Even though Avimelech had given to Avraham

one thousand pieces of silver and sheep and cattle, even so, he was not healed until

Avraham prayed for him.”

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BEREISHIT: VAYEIRA 20 :17

And Avraham prayed to G-d, and G-d healed Avimelech, and his wife, andhis entire household; and they gave birth.

Avraham not only granted forgiveness to Avimelech, but he prayed for him and his whole

household. The Talmud derives from here that if one doesn’t grant forgiveness when

asked to do so, he is considered a cruel person.

vnhn, vru,whrzft tuva uk kjun ubhtu vkhjn urhcjn aecnva ihhbn /ovrct kkp,hu

[’t c”m e”c] /ohektv kt ovrct kkp,hu rntba

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BEREISHIT: VAYECHI 50 :17 -18 5

17‘Thus shall you say to Joseph: “O please, kindly forgive the spiteful deedof your brothers and their sin for they have done you evil”’; so now, pleaseforgive the spiteful deed of the servants of your father’s G-d.” And Josephwept when they spoke to him. 18His brothers themselves also went and flungthemselves before him and said, “We are ready to be your slaves.”

KEY CONCEPT:

If you offend someone, you must

beg forgiveness. If it is not granted,

you must return threetimes, as did the

brothers of Joseph.Each time you ask forforgiveness, you must

change your language and ask

from a different angle.

jwwc

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ZOHAR 11 6

KEY CONCEPT:

From Joseph’sresponse to his brothers asking

forgiveness, we learnthat it is insufficient

to simply refrain from taking revenge,

one must also extend to the offender,

acts of loving kindness beyond whatwould otherwise nothave been extended.

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RABBEINU B ’CHAYA: VAYECHI 3 :17

KEY CONCEPT:

Joseph, however, didnot explicitly grantforgiveness to his

brothers, even thoughhe comforted them.The brothers died

without ever beingexplicitly forgiven.

Because of this theirdescendants were punished with thedeath of the Ten

Martyrs at the hands of the Romans.

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VAYIKRA: KEDOSHIM 19 :18 8a

You shall not take revenge and you shall not bear a grudge against themembers of your people; you shall love your fellow as yourself — I amHashem (Vayikra: Kedoshim 19:18).

KEY CONCEPT:

If you are asked forforgiveness, but refuse

to grant it, you aretaking revenge of

your oppressor. You are therefore

violating a prohibi-tion of the Torah.

You must realize thateverything comes

from Hashem. Theperson who hurt you

is a pawn in the hands of Hashem.There is, therefore,

no reason not to grantthe forgiveness.

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RAMBAM: BOOK OF MITZVOT 241 8b

...We were prohibited from taking revenge of an Israelite. It applies, for example, if an Israelite harmedor inflicted pain on another in any kind of matter where it would be the way of most people in the worldnot to turn aside from seeking after the one who harmed them until they paid him back in kind for hisevil action, or until they gave him pain as he had given them. From this sort of thing the Eternal Lordrestricted us by saying, You shall not take vengeance (Lev. 19:18). In the language of Midrash Sifra: Howfar does the force of vengeance reach? — If one asked another, “Lend me your sickle.” and the otherdid not lend it to him, then the next day the other asked him, “Lend me your pickaxe,” whereupon hetold him, “I will not lend it to you, in the same way that you did not lend me your sickle” — about this itwas said, You shall not take vengeance. Thus it applies to all situations similar to this illustration.

At the root of the precept lies the purpose that a man should know and reflect that whatever hap-pens to him, good or bad, is caused by the Eternal Lord to occur to him; from a human hand, from aman’s brother’s hand, nothing can be without the will of the Eternal Lord. Therefore, should a maninflict suffering or pain on him, let him know in his soul that his bad deeds were the cause, and theEternal Lord decreed this upon him; and let him not set his thoughts to take revenge from him. For theother is not the [primary] cause of his trouble, since it is sin that brought it about. As David said, “Solet him curse, because the Lord has told him” (II Samuel 16:10): he attributed the matter to his sin, notto Shimi b. Gerah. Moreover, there is another great benefit resulting from the precept: [it serves] tostop contention and remove hates from people’s hearts. And when there is peace among people, TheEternal Lord grants them peace.

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MISHNAH TORAH: H ILCHOT DEOT 7 :8 8c

Similarly, anyone who holds a grudge against another Jew violates a Torahprohibition, as [Lev. 19:18] states: “Do not bear a grudge against the childrenof your people.”

...A person who acts in this manner violates the prohibition against bear-ing a grudge. Instead, he should wipe the matter from his heart and neverbring it to mind. As long as he brings the matter to mind and remembers it,there is the possibility that he will seek revenge. Therefore, the Torah con-demned holding a grudge, [requiring] one to wipe the wrong from his heartentirely, without remembering it at all.

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I I SAMUEL 21 :1 -6 9a

1In the days of David there was [once] a famine for three years, year afteryear. David inquired of Hashem, and Hashem said, “It is for Saul and for theHouse of Blood, for his having killed the Gibeonites.” 2So the king called theGibeonites and spoke to them. (The Gibeonites were not of the Children ofIsrael, but from the remnant of the Amorite; the Children of Israel had sworn[not to harm] them, but Saul had tried to strike them down in his zeal for theChildren of Israel and Judah.) 3David said to the Gibeonites, “What can I dofor you, and how can I atone [for this sin], so that you will bless the heritageof Hashem?” 4The Gibeonites replied to him, “We have no [claim of] silver orgold against Saul nor against his house, and we have no [innocent] man inIsrael to put to death.” He then said [to them], “Whatever you say I will do foryou.” 5They said to the king, “The man who annihilited us and who schemedagainst us that we be eliminated from remaining within the entire border ofIsrael — 6let seven men of his sons be given to us and we will hang them forthe sake of Hashem in the Gibeah of Saul (the chosen one of Hashem).”

KEY CONCEPT:

Saul killed Gibeoniteswhen he massacredthe people of Nov.They never forgave

the Jews for this.Because of their

inability to forgive,Hashem brought

famine on Israel forthree years. David

asked the Gibeonitesfor forgiveness, but

they wouldn’t forgiveunless seven sons ofSaul were hanged.David proclaimed

“the Gibeonites lackof basic Jewish

quality, and thereforecan never become

Jewish.”

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MISHNAH TORAH: H ILCHOT TESHUVAH 2 :10 9b

It is forbidden for a person to be cruel and refuse to be appeased. Rather, heshould be easily pacified, but hard to anger. When the person who wrongedhim asks for forgiveness, he should forgive him with a complete heart and awilling spirit. Even if he distressed and wronged him very much, he should notseek revenge or bear a grudge.

This is the path of the seed of Israel and their upright spirit. By contrast,the insensitive gentiles do not act in this manner. Rather, their wrath is pre-served forever.

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YEVAMOT 79A

The Jews are distinguished by three characteristics: “They are merciful, sensitive to

shame, and generous.”

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BACH: H ILCHOT YOM HAKIPURIM 606 10

When one person harms another, the custom in our society is to appoint a third party to

mediate between them. This is incorrect. The offender must approach the friend direct-

ly and beg his forgiveness.

...In the Book ‘Ayn Yaakov,’ an inference was made from the language of the Yerushalmi

mentioned; namely, that the sinner should go himself to ask forgiveness, and if his

request is not accepted, then he should bring with him a group of people and he should

repeat his request in their presence. This is unlike the practice of certain people who

send an emissary to plead with the injured party, on their behalf, for forgiveness.

KEY CONCEPT:

One must ask forgiveness personally,

and not through a designated emissary.

R. YAACOV IBN HAVIV IN KAF HACHAYIM 606 :11

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MEGILLAH 28A

The disciples inquired of R. Nechunya b. Hakanah: On account of which [meritorious practice] haveyou attained longevity? He answered them: In all my days, I never derived honor from the shame of myfellow, nor has my fellow’s curse risen [with me] onto my bed...

The Gemara illustrates the second practice of R. Nechunya:

Nor has my fellow’s curse risen [with me] onto my bed, as in this [custom] of Mar Zutra: When he wouldclimb up onto his bed [to sleep], he would say: I forgive anyone who has aggravated us. [So, too, didR. Nechunya forgive even those who had cursed him].

KEY CONCEPT:

It is best to forgivesomeone who hurt youeven if they don’t askfor your forgiveness.

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A PRAYER OF FORGIVENESS

Master of the universe, I hereby forgive anyone who angered or antagonized me or who sinned againstme — whether against my body, my property, my honor or against anything of mine; whether he did soaccidentally, willfully, carelessly, or purposely; whether through speech, deed, thought, or notion;whether in this transmigration or another transmigration — I forgive every Jew. May no man be pun-ished because of me. May it be Your will, HASHEM, my G-d and the G-d of my forefathers, that I maysin no more, that I not return to them, that I never again anger You, and that I do not do what is evil inYour eyes. Whatever sins I have done before You, may You blot out in Your abundant mercies, but notthrough suffering or harmful illnesses. May the expressions of my mouth and the thoughts of my heartfind favor before You, HASHEM, my Rock and my Redeemer.

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A Time to Forgive

The Indiv idual and the Community

FROM THE WRIT INGS OF

RABB I JOS EPH B . S OLOVE IT CH IK kwwmzON TESHUVAH

A Jew who has lost faith in Knesset Israel, even though he

may personally sanctify and purify himself by being strict

in his observance of the precepts and by assuming prohi-

bitions upon himself — such a Jew is incorrigible and is

totally unfit to join in the Day of Atonement which encom-

passes the whole of Knesset Israel, in all its components and genera-

tions. Only the Jew who believes in Knesset Israel may partake of the

sanctity of the Day and the acquittal granted to him as part of the com-

munity of Israel. The Jew who believes in Knesset Israel is the Jew who

lives as part of it wherever it is and is willing to give his life for it, feel its

pain, rejoice with it, fight in its wars, groans at its defeats and cele-

brates its victories. The Jew who believes in Knesset Israel is a Jew

who binds himself with inseverable bonds not only to the People of

Israel of his own generation but to the community of Israel throughout

the ages. How so? Through Torah which embodies the spirit and the

destiny of Israel from generation to generation unto eternity.

KEY CONCEPT:

A Jew who cannotforgive the Jewish

People, cannot be partof the Jewish People.

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A Time to Forgive 13

Forgiveness can only be significant if there is a commitment to change our actions and attitudes.This stage of repentance is called “TIKUN” — correction. For every wrong committed we arerequired to perform certain acts to complement and balance the picture of our life. We must buildanew and create a reality that gives our life and that of others new form and direction.

Below are the Ten Commandments that can aid you in “TIKUN.” Read through them and askyourself where you stand.

Ten Commandments of Forgiveness

• Develop a mindset rooted in Jewish knowledgeand learning, a heart guided by compassion, asoul purified by Jewish principles and ideals, anda lifestyle disciplined by Jewish law and ethics.

• The Torah is based on the belief that people canchange and out of Hashem’s love comes ourunlimited capacity to repent our wrongs, correctyour mistakes and improve our own lives andthose of others.

• Recognize that we are all created in G-d’s imageand required to love another person even if heor she is not perfect.

• Know that to forgive another is the best way tobe forgiven.

• Know yourself; set aside time everyday to evaluate your moods, attitudes and actions. Listen to your feelings. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility.

• Try to resolve internal pain, unleash inner conflicts, accept spiritual limitations and freeyourself and others from the wrongs committed against our mutual souls by grantingtrue forgiveness.

• If you learn how to admit you have wrongedyourself, your family and others, you will beopen to future growth and a life of ultimateserenity and joy.

• Judge others favorably by seeking first to understand. Look beyond behavior, see the innocence, avoid criticizing and speakingLoshon Hora.

• Choose Shalom over being right.

• Find a friend to share your journey of growth,holiness and spirituality. Pray and study togeth-er to fill your life with love, goodness, meaning, fulfillment and eternity.

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Exerci ses

A. Make a list of the people you have hurt including your relatives. Nextto each name indicate what you did and the effect it had. Write downwhy you feel badly about it. Try asking them or writing them a letter forforgiveness. If the person is no longer alive take the letter to the grave.

B. Make a list of the people who have hurt you. Ask yourself if you wereto blame at all? Forgive them even if you weren’t to blame. Keep askingyourself “What is really important?” If someone asks you for forgive-ness imagine that it is your last day on earth. Imagine that G-d askedyou to forgive that person?

C. Think of the times you have been innocently thoughtless and never evenrealized that you had offended someone. Now think of the times whenpeople never ever meant to offend you.

D. List the baggage and burdens of someone who has hurt you.

E. If you hurt someone, apologize even if you are right.

F. Practice being kind to those who hurt you. If a relationship has beendamaged be the first to act loving or to reach out.

G. The next time you’re about to say, “I’m sorry,” say instead “forgive me.”

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A Time to Forgive STORIES & TABLE THOUGHTS ON FORGIVENESS 15

LatecomerThe following story was told by R. Sholom Schwadron, the Maggid Of Jerusalem.

The lesson he drew from this incident is one of which many of us, all too often, have to be reminded.

One of the grandchildren of the Chofetz Chaim was a talmid in the Yeshivah of Lakewood when itsfirst Rosh Yeshivah, R. Aharon Kotler, was still alive. Aware of the young man’s family background,

both R. Aharon and the Mashgiach of the yeshivah, R. Nosson Wachtfogel, were proud to have him as oneof the members of the Lakewood Kollel.

As time went on, though, R. Aharon and the Mashgiach noticed that many times the young man was latefor morning minyan. On other occasions he even missed the minyan entirely. R. Aharon and R. Nosson were puzzled by the young man’s behavior, and one day R. Nosson called him aside to discuss it.

“I’m surprised at how often you have been coming late to minyan recently,” the Mashgiach began.“What would your zaide (grandfather) the Chofetz Chaim say about this?”

“I would love to be able to come on time,” the young man replied respectfully. “But I know of awoman who has several children, and every morning as I am about to make my way to minyan, I hear herchildren crying. One needs a bottle, another needs to be sent to school, a third requires breakfast. There isno one else to help her, and so I feel it’s my obligation to assist.”

“Indeed,” adds R. Sholom, “the Ari, z’l, says that it is proper for one to perform a chessed (a benevo-lent act) before one begins to daven.”

The young fellow continued, “At times I can still manage to make it to the minyan in the yeshivah, butother times I just have to find a later minyan elsewhere.”

The Mashgiach was surprised and touched by the young man’s obviously exemplary behavior. His sen-sitivity was fitting for a grandchild of the Chofetz Chaim. But at the same time he felt sorry for the poorwoman. “Who is that woman?” asked the Mashgiach. “Is she widowed? Is she divorced? I too would liketo assist.”

“Oh no, chas veshalom!” exclaimed the young man. “The woman is my wife!”

Did R. Nosson go far enough? Should he, perhaps, have apologized to his student for prejudging him?

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A Time to Forgive STORIES & TABLE THOUGHTS ON FORGIVENESS 16

Brotherly Love

One winter morning the Rebbe traveled from his home in Boro Park to see one of the members of his dailyminyan who owned an office in the diamond district on 47th Street in Manhattan. The gentleman, whom we

shall call R. Chatzkel, had no idea that he was about to be visited by his Rebbe. When the Rebbe came into the office he asked to see R. Chatzkel. The secretary summoned her boss, telling

him through a private intercom system that the Kapishnitzer Rebbe was there to see him. She had often heard heremployer speak with awe about his Rebbe, and she knew that he would be greatly surprised to see him in his office.

R. Chatzkel burst into the reception area and stood open mouthed when he saw the Rebbe. “Why did theRebbe come here?” he asked, careful to speak to the Rebbe in the respectful third person. “I would have come tothe Rebbe wherever he would have called me.”

The Rebbe smiled gently and said, “It is I who need you; therefore, it was proper for me to come to you.” R. Chatzkel ushered the Rebbe into his private office, making sure that the Rebbe walked into the room first

and was seated before he himself sat down. R. Chatzkel began again, “I am very embarrassed that the Rebbe felt itnecessary to come here. I would surely have met the Rebbe in Brooklyn just to save him the bother. It must havebeen an inconvenience for the Rebbe to come all the way to Manhattan.”

Again the Rebbe reassured R. Chatzkel, “No, no, it is I who needs something from you, and thus it is proper thatI should come to visit you, and not vice versa. You needn’t worry about my trouble coming here. The trip was fine.”

“Rebbe,” R. Chatzkel said urgently, “please tell me, how I can be of assistance?” The Rebbe began slowly, looking R. Chatzkel squarely in the eye. “R. Chatzkel, I have become aware of a fam-

ily that is in desperate need of funds. The husband is out of a job; the wife must be home to care for their manychildren, and thus she cannot work for an income. Some of the children have been ill and there are considerabledoctor bills to pay. Even food is hard to come by in that home these days. I need a significant amount of moneyfor them.”

“But,” R. Chatzkel protested, “if that is all the Rebbe came for, the Rebbe could have called me on the phoneand I surely would have responded.”

“No,” said the Rebbe, “this is a very important situation to me, so I felt that I had to approach you personally.” “Okay,” said R. Chatzkel. “I will give as much money as the Rebbe requests. Just tell me how much I shall give!” The Rebbe explained that the amount a person gives to charity is a personal decision that only the donor

can make. R. Chatzkel thought for a moment, then said, “May I give a check?” “Of course,” the Rebbe replied. “To whom shall I make out the check?” The Rebbe looked down at the floor for a moment, hesitated before he spoke, and then said quietly, “Write the

check to your brother!”

Should not the brother have had to ask for forgiveness for being so far removed from his own brother’s life and plight?

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A Time to Forgive STORIES & TABLE THOUGHTS ON FORGIVENESS 17

Success Through Mistakes

We learn by living. There really is no growth within the world or within ourselves until we learn life’slessons for ourselves. There is wonderful story of a very successful businessman who was address-

ing the Chamber of Commerce on the subject, “The Secret of Succeeding in Business.” His formula was“good judgment.”

After the speaker was finished, one of the members of the audience came up to him and asked, “Howdo you acquire good judgment?” The successful businessman replied, “Through experience.”

But the questioner persisted, “How do you get experience?” And the businessman replied with a smile, “Through bad judgment.” The only way to learn is to make mistakes, and the only way to find out whether we are right or wrong

is to test ourselves in the process of living. Sometimes the most successful have learned the most from their mistakes!

“I learned much from my teachers, more from my books, and most from my mistakes.”BERA ITOT OF RABB I Y IT ZC H AK

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A Mistake i s a Lesson

It is not enough to acknowledge our mistakes; we must be able to go beyond them. It is well known thatBabe Ruth was the home run king, but very few are aware that he also held the record for strike-outs.

His persistence in the face of his failures paid off. We must learn from our mistakes. Consider, for example, the tradition of the Oriental rug weavers:

Many of the world’s finest Oriental rugs come from little villages in the Middle East. Each rug is handwoven by a crew of men and women under the direction of a master weaver. Occasionally, one of theworkers absentmindedly makes a mistake, introducing a color that is not according to the pattern. At thispoint, the master weaver, instead of pulling out the work and ruining the rug, skillfully finds a way toincorporate the mistake into the overall pattern. With great care, he weaves the mistake into the wholestructure so that it becomes unnoticeable and even a subtle improvement of the basic design.

The same thing is true of our lives. We have to learn to accept our mistakes and find a way to incor-porate them into the patterns of our living. We have to take each error and make it harmonious with ourgreater goals. First, we must acknowledge our mistakes; then we must learn from them.

“Correct your ways and improve your doings” JEREMIAH 7 :3

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A Time to Forgive STORIES & TABLE THOUGHTS ON FORGIVENESS 19

Correct , But Not Right

Upon leaving a taxi in rush hour traffic a passenger hands the driver the exact fare. The cab driverfrowned in disappointment. “That’s correct, isn’t it?” questioned the passenger. “Yes, it’s correct,”

answered the cab driver, “but it isn’t right!” One of the reasons so many of us are not finding satisfaction in our daily activities is that our rela-

tionships with others are correct, but they are not right. And what are these relationships? They are relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law,

between a struggling, growing teen-ager and a perplexed parent, between the uncomprehending salesmanand a difficult customer, between the unwavering committee and the member who has all the answers.

Some of us carry the unnecessary burden of these experiences as a heavy weight attached to our soul.If you are constantly walking with large burden attached to you it makes it difficult to get around easily.Many people are similarly hampered by their feelings. They insist on carrying around all of their hurt feel-ings, the slights, real and imagined, the insults and the scars of quarrels. It is this unnecessary burden thatwe must cast off to lighten the load of living. We must approach others with a determination that our rela-tionship with them will not be only correct, but right, as well.

“For who so forgives is forgiven in turn; hard-heartedness and a temper that will not make up quarrels area heavy burden of sin, and unworthy of a Jew.” MOSES OF COU C Y

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A Time to Forgive STORIES & TABLE THOUGHTS ON FORGIVENESS 20

To Be or Not to Be a Friend to Your Enemy

We are taught that one of the ways to blunt the force of evil is to understand it and even to respondwith kindness. Sometimes, the only way to destroy an enemy completely is to make him your friend.

During William McKinley’s campaign for President, one of the reporters assigned to cover him repre-sented a newspaper that was violently opposed to McKinley. ‘The reporter was to travel on the train withthe candidate and send back negative stories at every opportunity. At first he did; and McKinley knew whatwas happening, but said absolutely nothing. One bitterly cold afternoon the reporter fell asleep huddledon the seat of the unheated car. McKinley came by, stopped, and spread his overcoat over the man. Whenthe reporter awoke and discovered what had happened, he sent a telegram resigning from his job. He couldnot go on maligning a man compassionate enough to answer his criticisms by befriending him.

Friendship creates fellowship and harmony. We should not always change things with aggression orconfrontation, but rather move forward by cooperation. It is simply not true that pressure always movespeople. Kindness is much more effective. Aggression may achieve a goal, but at what price? It may takelonger to achieve our goals through kindness, but ultimately it creates an enormous reservoir of good will.For every angry voice or act there will be a force in reply, and for every act of kindness there will be a kind-ness returned.

“Who is truly mighty? He who can convert an enemy into a friend.” AVOT-DE-RABBI N ATAN 23

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A Time to Forgive AFTER WORD

S e l f - F o r g i v e n e s s

Just maybe we are really too hard on ourselves and because of

that we are hard on others. Perhaps we ought to discover

how to forgive ourselves, how to let go, and get on with living

healthier and happier lives. How long should we dwell on our

mistakes? How long will we carry them?

To forgive also applies to one’s self. We must first forgive ourselves

before we will truly be able to forgive someone else.

On every Yom Kippur we declare a list of sins that we may have

committed. They are paired in alphabetical order. There is a beginning

and an end. There is a finite number. No more and no less. There is a

limit to the chest beating. When you’re done, move on with a clean slate.

One Rebbe explained to his students why he stood in lengthy peni-

tence. He said, “I’m not worried about the sins I’ve committed. For that I

can atone. It’s the fact that I’ve played “pick and choose” with the mitzvot

chosen or not chosen that I’m worried about. For that I now atone.”

So think about moving on, and what constructive acts you can do

to enhance life.

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