Assisting Youth with Assisting Youth with Relational Hurt and Pain Relational Hurt and Pain Through Interpersonal Through Interpersonal

ForgivenessForgiveness

Dr. Preston VanLoon Ed.D.Dr. Preston VanLoon Ed.D.

“If you cannot free people from their wrongs and see them as the needy people they are, then you enslave yourself to your own painful past. By fastening yourself to the past, you let your hate become your future.”

Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget

Interpersonal Forgiveness follows a deep, long-lasting injury from another person that may be:

PsychologicalEmotionalPhysicalMoral

The injury or offense affects us:

CognitivelyAffectivelyBehaviorally

Adolescents experience relational hurt and pain in their lives due to:

Parental DivorceAbuse (Physical, Sexual, Emotional)BullyingBetrayal of TrustDomestic Violence (i.e. boyfriend)Other

The Effects of Hurt and Pain in Adolescents:

Behavioral DifficultiesMental Illness (Depression, Anxiety,

etc.)Poor GradesDecrease in Self EsteemSexual Promiscuity

Effects of hurt and pain continued:

Problems making friendsParental ConflictSuicidal ThoughtsChange in mood/attitudeAnger/Anxiety

Adolescents often cope with their hurt and pain by:

Drug/Alcohol AbuseUnhealthy sexual practicesTruancyViolence Sexually Acting OutWithdrawal

Teens struggle with interpersonal forgiveness for a variety of reasons including:

Uncertainty about how to effectively cope.Lack of understanding of interpersonal

forgiveness.Thinking that interpersonal forgiveness is

something that only religious people do.

Reasons continued:

Fear of being hurt again.It is a sign of weakness.Thinking that the offender does not

deserve forgiveness.

What is Interpersonal Forgiveness?

Common Myths and Misconceptions (Enright):

1. Forgiveness means forgetting the offense never happened and going back the way things were before.

2. Forgiveness is a sign of weakness and vulnerability.

3. Forgiveness doesn’t make things fair to others or ourselves.

4. Forgiveness is only needed for those we care for, can see, or those who want to be forgiven.

5. Forgiveness happens quickly and easily.

6. Forgiveness is our duty and responsibility as human beings.

7. Forgiveness means putting up with or excusing inappropriate behavior.

Research-The Benefits of Forgiveness:Decrease in depressionDecrease in anxietyDecrease in displacement of angerDecrease in use of defense mechanismsPrevention of escalation of revengeImproved intrapersonal peace

Benefits of Forgiveness continued:

Improved interpersonal relationships Improved affect Improved self-esteem Reduction in stress symptoms Lower blood pressure Reduction in insomnia Less digestive problems

Stages ofStages of ForgivenessForgivenessfrom a Developmental from a Developmental

Perspective Perspective

Stage One

Forgiveness: Revengeful Forgiveness

“I can forgive someone who wrongs me only if I can punish that person to a similar degree as my own pain.”

Stage Two

Forgiveness: Conditional or Restitutional Forgiveness

“If I get back what was taken away from me, then I can forgive. If I feel guilty about with-holding forgiveness, then I can forgive to relieve my guilt.”

Stage Three

Forgiveness: Expectational Forgiveness

“I can forgive if others put pressure on me to forgive. I forgive because other people expect it of me.”

Stage Four

Forgiveness: Lawful Expectational Forgiveness

“I forgive because my religion demands it.” Notice that this stage is different from stage two in which the forgiver forgives to relieve self of guilt about with-holding forgiveness.

Stage Five

Forgiveness: Forgiveness as Social Harmony

“I forgive because it restores harmony or good relations in society. Forgiveness decreases friction and outright conflict in society.”

Stage Six

Forgiveness: Forgiveness as Love“I forgive because it promotes a true sense of love. Because I must truly care for each person, a hurtful act on another’s part does not alter that sense of love.”This kind of relationship keeps open the possibility of reconciliation and closes the door on revenge.

Forgiveness & Developmental ChangesForgiveness & Developmental Changes

Movement toward improved cognition, affect, and behavior.

Learning about and practicing forgiveness helps develop the ability to forgive.

Changes from feelings of hate and resentment to compassion and love.

A desire to learn and practice forgiveness.

Reasons for Forgiveness

Forgiveness allows us to relieve ourselves of the debilitating effects of chronic anger and resentment.

Forgiveness is being fair to yourself and the wrong suffered, it’s pain and revenge are unfair.

Forgiveness allows us to move beyond our past wounds and see life from a new perspective.

Forgiveness offers the possibility of healing and reconciliation, bringing new life, not death, to a relationship.

Forgiveness gives us the freedom to deal with our wrong realistically and bring healing to our hurts.

Forgiveness is for people who are human, who not only need to forgive, but also need to be forgiven.

Forgiveness allows us to transform the energy invested in our pain and hurt to bring healing to our memory and hope to our future.

What Interpersonal Forgiveness is Not:PardonReconciliationCondoning and/or ExcusingJustificationSelf-centerednessAllowing emotions to diminish over

time

Forgiveness is Not, continued:ForgettingJust saying “I forgive you”Synonymous with mourningAbsolutionSelf sacrificeA one time decision

Definitions of Forgiveness:

How would you define forgiveness?

A Definition of

Interpersonal Forgiveness:

Forgiving is the overcoming of negative affect and judgment toward the offender, not by denying ourselves the right to such affect and judgment, but by endeavoring to view (treat) the offender with compassion, benevolence and love while recognizing that he or she has abandoned the right to them.”

(Enright et al., 1991)

Objections to Interpersonal Forgiveness:

(Philosophical and Psychological)

1. Interpersonal forgiveness is weakness; it develops out of a sense of moral or religious duty.

Response:

2. It is a power play, putting the forgiver in a “one up” position.

Response:

3. It implies inferiority by telling the offender they are forgiven.

Response:

Objections continued:4. Interpersonal Forgiveness produces inferiority in one’s self.

Response:5. It is a reversal of societal justice.

Response:6. Blocks personal justice.

Response:

7. It is an alienation of our true nature.

Response:

8. The injustice is overlooked by the offended person.

Response:

Suggestions to Help Youth to Forgive:

1. Identify the hurt that was experienced.

2. Discuss the hurt and the effect it has had on one’s life

3. Express the painful feelings associated with the hurt

4. Discuss how one has tried to cope with the hurt and pain

Suggestions continued:

5. Explore effective ways to deal with the

offense: this may include a justice

approach (external) or a forgiveness

approach (internal)

6. Make a commitment to pursue

forgiveness

7. Do the work of forgiveness: reframing, empathy, compassion, and acceptance.

Suggestions continued:

8. Look for new meaning/purpose in life as a result of the offense

9. Realize that self has needed forgiveness in the past and that one is not alone

10. Identify positive feelings, thoughts, and

behaviors that are emerging toward the

offender

Forgiveness is a Process

“Forgiveness is a process not a single act.”

(Augsburger, 1988)

“Forgiveness is a psychological process that

occurs throughout life.” (Smith, 1988)

“Forgiveness came in bits and pieces.” (Smedes,1984)

The Forgiveness Process…The Forgiveness Process…

Takes time, often continuing throughout life.

Takes work and is not easy.Is an active process, not passiveIs internal with external manifestationsIs an ongoing processIs intentionalRequires a change in attitude