Your Grief Youre Not Going

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     Y OUR  GRIEF:

     Y OU'RE NOT GOING CRAZY

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    1

     Y OUR  GRIEF: Y OU'RE

    NOT GOING CRAZY

    It is dificult to imagine themagnitude o !ain

    associated "ith the t#aumatic death o

    a lo$ed one%

    &hen someone is illed suddenl(

    and $iolentl()

    g#ie #eactions o amil( and #iends

    can *e intense)

    com!licated) and long lasting% I (ou#

    lo$ed one "as illed in a d#un d#i$ing

    c#ash) (ou ma( eel ang#ie# than (ou

    ha$e e$e# elt and sadde# than (ou

    thought !ossi*le% You ma( ha$e sca#(

    thoughts and (ou ma( do st#ange

    things% You ma( *e a#aid (ou a#e +going

    c#a,(%+ G#ie$ing the death o (ou#

    lo$ed one can eel so o$e#"helming

    that (ou ma( -uestion (ou# o"n

    sanit(%

    Fo# man( !eo!le g#ie isuncha#ted te##ito#(

    and can *e $e#( unsettling%

    Unde#standing mo#ea*out (ou# g#ie "ill not change ho"

     (ou eel a*out the death o (ou# lo$ed

    one) *ut it ma( hel! (ou to eel mo#e

    como#ta*le "ith the !#ocess%

     A  N T I C I PAT E D D E AT H V  E RS U S

    T R A U M AT I C D E AT

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    H

     Anticipated

     Death

    G#ie$ing the sudden death o a lo$edone is t(!icall(

    dife#ent than the e.!e#ience o

    g#ie$ing anantici!ated death% &hen the death o

    a lo$ed one

    is e.!ected) !eo!le oten *egin to eel

    the efects othe loss *eo#e the death actuall( occu#s%

    Collecti$el() these #eactions a#e #ee##ed

    to as antici!ato#( g#ie%

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    2

     W hen a lo$ed one is diagnosed "itha te#minal

    illness) amil( and #iends ma( #eact

    "ith dis*elie%

    The( ma( see se$e#al medical

    o!inions to

    su*stantiate the !#ognosis% As death

    a!!#oaches)

    the( ma( *ecome ang#(/ ang#( that

    mode#n science

    can de$elo! machines as mi#aculous

    as com!ute#s

    *ut cannot 0nd a cu#e o# a !a#ticula#

    disease% The( ma( *e sad and

    de!#essed as the( ace the act that

    thei# lo$ed one "ill die) (et long o#

    #elie as the( "atch thei# lo$ed one

    sufe#%

    The acno"ledgement that death isimminent

    eithe# *#ings !eo!le close# togethe# o# it

    causes them

    to distance themsel$es emotionall(%

    Eithe# "a()

    antici!ato#( g#ie is *elie$ed to cushion

    the im!act%

    Togethe# the !e#son "ho is d(ing and

    the !eo!le

    the( lo$e ha$e an o!!o#tunit( to #esol$e

    eelings and #elate lo$ingl( *eo#e death

    occu#s%

    Famil( and #iends a#e otensu#!#ised to lea#n

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    that the( go th#ough man( o the same

    eelings o

    dis*elie) ange#) and sadness ate#

    thei# lo$ed one

    dies% G#ie$ing an antici!ated death can

    tae se$e#al

    months o# se$e#al (ea#s% 1ost !eo!le

    0nd that i the( allo" thei# emotions

    to 2o" and the( tal

    o!enl( a*out thei# loss) the !ain "ill

    dec#ease) little

    *( little% Those "ho attem!t to den(

    thei# g#ie

    and !#etend that nothing has

    ha!!ened ma( ha$e mo#e dificult(%

    It is tem!ting to la*elantici!ato#( g#ie as

    +no#mal g#ie)+ *ut e" !eo!le) e$en

    in the *esto ci#cumstances) eel +no#mal+ as

    the( g#ie$e%

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    3

    3o"e$e#) the !e#son "ho can antici!ate

    a death ma(#eact dife#entl( than the !e#son "ho

    has no time to !#e!a#e%

    Traumatic

     Death

     A sudden death is usuall( mo#e dificultto co!e "ith

    than an e.!ected death% &hen a

    !e#son is $iolentl( illed) the death is

    e$en mo#e t#aumatic% 4u#$i$ing

    amil( mem*e#s and #iends a#e

    emotionall( assaulted

    "ith no time to g#aduall( !#e!a#e o#

    the loss% You

    could ha$e ne$e# !#e!a#ed o# the

    inca!acitating *lo" caused *( (ou# lo$ed

    one's t#aumatic death%

     Violence of te De!t" You# lo$ed one'sdeath "as

     $iolent% 3is o# he# *od( ma( ha$e

    *een mutilated%

    5no"ing this ma( *e mo#e !ainul o#

     (ou than the

    e.!e#ience "as o# the one "ho "as

    illed% &hen

    !eo!le a#e se#iousl( in6u#ed the(

    usuall( go into

    shoc and do not e.!e#ience !ain% 1an(

    !eo!le "ho

    ha$e #eco$e#ed #om t#auma do not

    #emem*e# the

    !oint o im!act) "hethe# it "as #om an

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    automo*ile c#ash) a gunshot "ound) o#

    othe# o#m o t#auma% In

    act) most sa( that it "as some time

    *eo#e the( elt

    !ain) e$en i the( d#ited in and out o

    consciousness%

    E $en so) (ou !#o*a*l( "ouldha$e done

    an(thing to !#e$ent the $iolation o (ou#

    lo$ed one's

    *od(% You g#ie$e the loss o (ou# lo$edone's *od(

    and ma( dee!l( #esent the act

    that it "as not #es!ected *( the

    ille#%

    #ecause o the condition o (ou#lo$ed one's

    *od() (ou ma( not ha$e *een a*le to

     $ie" it at the

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    4

    hos!ital o# une#al home% As a #esult)

     (ou ma( *e#el(ing on antasies to o#m a !ictu#e

    o ho" he o# she looed% You ma( e$en

    ha$e dou*ts that (ou#

    lo$ed one died and ma( 0nd (ou#sele.!ecting him

    o# he# to "al th#ough the doo# o#

    call on the tele!hone%

    Man( !eo!le "ho "e#e a*le to $ie" the *od(

    o thei# lo$ed one a#e glad the( did%

    3o"e$e#) the#e

    a#e othe# "a(s to *e assu#ed o the

    #ealit( o thei#

    death% The la" eno#cement agenc( that

    in$estigated

    the c#ash !#o*a*l( too !hotos o the

    c#ash% These

    !hotos ma( *e at the !#osecuto#'s ofice%

    The medical

    e.amine# o# the une#al home ma( also

    ha$e !hotos i (ou "ish to $ie" them%

    Sen$ele$$ne$$ of te De!t"  Anothe# dificult

    com!onent o t#aumatic death is the

    senselessness o (ou# lo$ed one's death%

    7eo!le gene#all( unde#stand

    that death occu#s "hen *odies g#o"

    old o# a#e no

    longe# a*le to 0ght disease% You# lo$ed

    one's death) ho"e$e#) "as clea#l(

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    someone's ault% The act that someone

    chose to *e so negligent and #ecless

    maes no sense at all% 5no"ing that

     (ou# lo$ed one's death

    could ha$e *een !#e$ented ma( *e one

    o the most !ainul as!ects o (ou#

    g#ie$ing%

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    5

    U N D E R S TA N D I N G G R I

    E F

    The Importance of Relationships

    8eath is acce!ted as an ine$ita*ilit(o lie% 1ost

    o us unde#stand that "ith the death o

    a lo$ed one

    comes !ain and sufe#ing% 3o"e$e#) in

    o#de# to ull( a!!#eciate the im!act o

    death) "e must conside# the

    signi0cance o human #elationshi!s%

    The deg#ee o !ain and sufe#ingthat ollo"s

    a death is di#ectl( #elated to the

    natu#e o the

    #elationshi! *et"een the su#$i$o# and

    the !e#son

    "ho died% &ithout the #elationshi!) the

    death "ould ca##( no meaning and cause

    no sufe#ing%

     W hen a !a#tne# dies) the $ictim9su#$i$o#

    has lost a *est #iend) lo$e#) !#ima#(

    con0dant) and

    !e#ha!s) co!a#ent% I (ou# !a#tne#

    "as illed)

     (ou lost such an essential !a#t o

     (ou#sel that (ou

    ma( eel incom!lete and

    a*andoned% 1aing

    ma6o# decisions alone "hile

    maintaining a amil(

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    can *e e.t#emel( dificult% Facing

    0nancial

    #es!onsi*ilities "ithout (ou# !a#tne#'s

    in!ut ma( add to (ou# *u#den%

     W e tend to $ie" ou# !a#ents asimmo#tal%

    &e antici!ate that i and "hen ou#!a#ents die) thei#

    deaths "ill *e !eaceul and !leasant% I

    a !a#ent "as

    illed) no matte# ho" old he o# she"as) (ou ma( dee!l( #eg#et that thei#

    death "as an undigni0ed

    one% Although some ma( sa( +3e li$ed a

    good lie)+ it ma( eel "#ong that (oucould not sa( +Than (ou

    o# all (ou ha$e done o# me+ o#

    +Good*(e%+

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    6

    Si*ling #elationshi!s a#edistincti$e in that

    the( oten last a lietime% ;#othe#s and

    siste#s sha#e

    simila# e.!e#iences and

    conse-uentl( sha#e a

    common histo#(% E$en "hen a si*ling

    dies du#ing childhood) the su#$i$ing

    si*ling tends to #ee# to

    that !e#son as *#othe# o# siste#% I (ou#

    si*ling "as

    illed) thei# death *#ings an end to a

    signi0cant

    #elationshi!% You# *#othe# o# siste#

    "as (ou# !la(mate) (ou#

    !#otecto#) (ou# #iend%

    The uni-ue connection *et"een!a#ent and

    child lea$es a !a#ent es!eciall(

     $ulne#a*le% 3o"e$e#

    unnatu#al) un6ust) o# illogical it

    ma( seem) a

    child ma( die *eo#e a !a#ent does%

    &hen the $e#(

    essence o !a#enting is !#otecting

    and assu#ing lie) the sudden and

     $iolent death o a child in a

    d#un d#i$ing c#ash is nothing less than

    de$astating%

    This is t#ue "hethe# o# not the child

    "as (oung o# an adult%

    R ega#dless o (ou# #elationshi!"ith the one

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    "ho "as illed) the shoc can *e

    o$e#"helming%

     As human *eings) "e o#m st#ong

    !h(sical and

    emotional *onds to othe#s% &hen these

    !h(sical and emotional attachments a#e

    se$e#ed) "e #eact in "a(s

    to co!e "ith the loss *( g#ie$ing% You

    miss (ou#

    lo$ed one's !h(sical

    !#esenceMany peoplestrugglefor monthsandyears beforethey feelresolution to

    their grief.

    as "ell as thei#!e#sonalit(

    and

    s!i#it%

    G#ie is not ane$ent *ut

    a !#ocess o e.!e#iencing the

    !h(sical) emotional)mental) social) and s!i#itual efects

    o a death o#

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    7

    othe# loss% G#ie #eactions a#e

    common to most!eo!le although each !e#son g#ie$es

    in thei# o"n

    "a( and in thei# o"n time% 3o" (ou

    g#ie$e de!endson a num*e# o things) including:

    !#io# co!ing

    sills) -ualit( o the #elationshi! "ith

    the !e#son

    "ho "as illed) ci#cumstances

    su##ounding the

    death) emotional su!!o#t #om amil(

    and #iends) and cultu#al *acg#ound%

    F#iends and e$en some amil(mem*e#s ma(

    *e ill !#e!a#ed to su!!o#t (ou "hile

     (ou g#ie$e%

    1an( !eo!le "ho attem!t to

    como#t $ictims9 su#$i$o#s) including

    some !#oessionals) do not

    unde#stand that intense and long

    lasting g#ie a#e a!!#o!#iate o#

     $ictims o d#un d#i$ing c#ashes%

    4econda#( $ictimi,ations can add to

    the t#auma "hen su#$i$o#s e.!e#ience

    #e6ection #om societ(

    o# callousness #om se#$ices and

    !#og#ams that a#e su!!osed to hel!

    them%

    GRIEF R ESPONSES

     Physical

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    Symptoms

    8u#ing the 0#st si. months to a (ea#ate# a atal

    c#ash) !eo!le a#e $ulne#a*le to

    !h(sical illness%

    1edical e.!e#ts ha$e ound e$idence

    that intense

    g#ie "eaens the immune s(stem%

    The#e is also

    e$idence that !eo!le *eset *( g#ie

    *ecome $ulne#a*le

    to othe# so#ts o accidents)

    *ecause the( a#e

    !#eoccu!ied "ith thei# loss% 7h(sical

    com!laints)

    aches and illness a#e all common in

    !eo!le "ho a#e g#ie$ing% You# *od('s

    immune s(stem is "o#ing

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    8

    o$e#time) and (ou ma( eel "o#n out%

    This is (ou#*od('s #eaction to the t#auma (ou ha$e

    e.!e#ienced%

     Y ou ma( ha$e dificult( slee!ing)

    o# (ou ma(

    "ant to slee! all the time% You ma( eel

    nauseous and

    Maintain

    regularcontact withyourphysician for ayearor two to be surethat

    you do notacquirea stress-relatedphysicalcondition.

    -uit eating) o# eel

    #a$enous and eat

    e$e#(thing in sight%

    &hate$e# (ou a#e

    eeling)

     (ou a#e not imagining

    things%

    8u#ing this ea#l(

    !e#iod o

    g#ie) eat "ell) get !lent( o #est) and

    see (ou# docto# i the !#o*lems !e#sist%

    Some !eo!le 0nd the !ain toodificult

    and tu#n to alcohol o# d#ugs to

    ease the !ain%

    Uno#tunatel() the#e is no eas( 0. to

    mae the loss

    easie# to *ea#% Alcohol and d#ugs

    *oth a#e liel(

    to mae the situation mo#e dificult to

    co!e "ith) *ecause *oth "ill

    cont#i*ute to i##ational thoughts and

    de!#essed moods%

     Y ou ma( need sho#tte#m

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    medication

    !#esc#i*ed *( (ou# docto# to hel! (ou

    eat o# slee!

    "hile g#ie$ing% I so) do not conside# it

    a "eaness%

     You ha$e sufe#ed se$e#e t#auma

    and dese#$e

    !#oessional hel! to *egin eeling

    *ette#% You "ill

    !#o*a*l( need the hel! o !#esc#i*ed

    medication onl( o# a sho#t time% E$en i

     (ou don't "ant to eel *ette# (et) (ou o"e

    it to (ou#sel and (ou# amil( to sta( in

    good health%

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    9

     Denial

    8enial is a "onde#ul thing% It is themind's "a( o

    *ufe#ing the ull im!act o a t#auma

    until it can *e a*so#*ed% U!on lea#ning

    that a lo$ed one has *een

    illed) most !eo!le a#e #ende#ed

    too "ea to

    unde#tae the o$e#"helming tas

    o g#ie$ing%

     W hen (ou hea#d o (ou# lo$edone's death)

     (ou ma( ha$e gone into shoc% Going

    into shoc

    is something lie eeling the efects

    o a gene#al

    anesthetic% &ith the hel! o a

    -uic s!u#t o

    ad#enaline and othe# chemicals in

     (ou# *#ain) (ou# initial #es!onse ma(

    ha$e *een +0ght+ o# +2ight%+ Fighte#s

    sometimes sc#eam so the( "on't hea#

    the

    message o# !h(sicall( attac the

    !e#son "ho has deli$e#ed the *ad

    ne"s% Those "hose #eaction is

    +2ight+ ma( aint o# #un to t#( to

    esca!e the !ain%

    R ega#dless o the initial im!act) i (ou a#e lie

    most !eo!le) (ou soon ound (ou#sel

    in a state o

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    num*ness%

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    a !e#son to t#a$el th#ough g#ie at thei#

    o"n !ace andse#$es them "ell until the( a#e

    st#onge# and *ette# a*le to co!e% It is

    im!ossi*le to !ush th#ough an(

    !a#t o g#ie$ing in o#de# to get o$e# it% I  (ou cannot thin clea#l() i (ou seem

    o#getul and detached) *e !atient "ith

     (ou#sel% I (ou need hel!) as o# it%

     Fear/Vulnerability

    1an( $ictims9su#$i$o#s a#e su#!#ised to0nd that the(

    eel an.ious) ea#ul) and !o"e#less

    ate# the $iolent death o a lo$ed one%

    ;eo#e the c#ash) (ou ma( ha$e

    assumed (ou "e#e immune to

    c#ime% No" (ou

    ma( eel that lie is out o *alance and

    that the "o#ld

    no longe# maes sense% The !a#t o

     (ou that "as

    !#e$iousl( con0dent and ca#e#ee has

    *een damaged%

     W e tend to *elie$e that goodthings ha!!en

    to good !eo!le and *ad things ha!!en to

    *ad !eo!le%

    Fo# (ou) this *elie no longe# maes

    sense% Instead

     (ou ma( eel that (ou and (ou#

    #emaining lo$ed ones a#e mo#e

     $ulne#a*le than othe# !eo!le% It is

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    im!o#tant to thin #ationall( and "o#

    ha#d to #is

    going out) e$en "hen it #ightens (ou%

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    11

    mem*e# o# #iend) o# e$en at

    themsel$es o# notha$ing !#e$ented the un!#e$enti*le%

     You ma( e$en *e ang#( at e$e#(thing

    and e$e#(one%

     Y ou ma( "ish des!e#atel( that the!e#son "ho

    illed (ou# lo$ed one "ould sho" some

    #emo#se and

    sa( +I'm so##(%+ That !#o*a*l( "on't

    ha!!en% 1an(

    ofende#s do not eel #emo#se

    although some a#e

    indeed so##(% 3o"e$e#) thei# atto#ne(s

    "a#n them

    to mae no contact "ith the $ictim's

    amil( *ecause such contact can *e

    conside#ed an admission o guilt%

    The in6ustice o (ou# lo$ed one'sdeath) the

    dee! hu#t (ou eel) and the loss o utu#e

    d#eams ma(

    all add u! to #age% 1ost o the

    things (ou thin

    a*out doing must #emain undone) lie

    ha#ming the ofende#% It is im!o#tant

    not to act dest#ucti$el( in #es!onse to

     (ou# ange#%

    Man( !eo!le 0nd it *ene0cial total "ith

    someone a*out eelings o ange# o#

    #age% E.!#essing

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    these eelings can #ee the mind)

    ena*ling (ou to *e mo#e o!en and

    #ealistic in (ou# thining and

    !lanning o# the utu#e% 7h(sical acti$it(

    oten hel!s%

    4ome !eo!le #un) e.e#cise

     $igo#ousl() o# clean

    house% Othe#s "#ite in 6ou#nals o#

    "#ite lette#s to

    the ofende#) "hich a#e *ette# let

    unsent% 4ome c#( and (ell and sc#eam%

    &hat (ou do "ith (ou# ange#

    #eall( does not matte# as long as (ou

    acno"ledge

    it and (ou do not hu#t (ou#sel o#an(one else in e.!#essing it%

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    12

     Y ou# ange# ma( *e se#$ing adee!e# !u#!ose)

    a !#oound sadness% E$en though ange#

    does not eel

    good) it can seem less !ainul than

    sadness% Ange# can eithe# *e ocused

    on someone else o# it can *e

    di#ected in a "ide s!ect#um) not

    seeming to attach

    to an(one o# an(thing% 4adness is (ou#s%

    It is ocused

    "ithin% You "ill e$entuall( need to

    gi$e u! some

    o the ange#) #age) and $engeance to

    e.!e#ience the sadness unde#neath it%

     Y ou ma( thin that (ou o"e it to (ou# lo$ed

    one to #emain ang#(% &hat (ou do "ith

     (ou# ange#

    and "hen (ou decide to loo *eneath

    it a#e u! to (ou% &hen (ou decide to

    loo *eneath the ange#

     (ou ma( 0nd intense agon(% ;( *eing

    "illing to ace it (ou ma( 0nd some

    #elie%

    Guilt

     Ange# #e-uentl( *ecomes guilt o$e#time% Guilt

    is eeling someho" #es!onsi*le o#"hat ha!!ened)

    o# thining that (ou didn't do

    enough in the

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    #elationshi! "hile (ou# lo$ed one

    "as ali$e% You ma( sa( to (ou#sel) +I

    onl( I had no"n)+ o# +I onl( I told

    him I lo$ed him%+ Guilt in$ol$es a lot

    o +should ha$es+ o# +should not ha$es%+

    Reg#ets a#e no#mal) *ut (ou cannot

    change the !ast%

    Possi*l( the toughest 6o* (ou"ill ha$e in

    g#ie$ing is to loo #ationall( at ho"

     (ou# *eliesmae (ou eel guilt(% You ma()

    indeed) *e

    #es!onsi*le o# some com!onent o (ou#

    lo$ed one's death% I so) acno"ledge itand see i (ou can 0nd

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    13

    a "a( to o#gi$e (ou#sel% I (ou

    made a *ad 6udgment) (ou !#o*a*l( made the *est

    one (ou ne" ho" to mae at the time%

    T#( not to e.agge#ate (ou# #ole in (ou#

    lo$ed one's death%

    In most cases) othe# acto#s"e#e la#gel(

    #es!onsi*le o# (ou# lo$ed one's death%

    The !e#son

    "ho illed (ou# lo$ed one "as

    negligent% Fo#ces o

    natu#e also !la( a #ole% One la" o

    natu#e is that

    "hen t"o !o"e#ul o!!osing o#ces

    collide one o# *oth a#e dest#o(ed%

    Taling "ith othe#s "hoha$e some

    unde#standing o (ou# e.!e#ience can

    hel! (ou loo

    at (ou# guilt #ealisticall(% It "ill *e

    ha#d "o# o#

    them and o# (ou% Feeling less guilt(

    "ill not tae a"a( (ou# sadness o#

     (ou# ange#) *ut it can *e a *ig load of

     (ou# shoulde#s% It "ill *e "o#th the

    efo#t to #id (ou#sel o it%

     Faith/Philosophyof ife

    7eo!le "ho ha$e ne$e# thought a*outGod *eo#e

    ma( do so in the "ae o t#auma%

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    inte#e#ing "ith (ou#

    a*ilities to unction *oth !h(sicall( and

    emotionall(%

    Relationshi!s "ith amil( and #iends

    ma( *e in 6eo!a#d(% These eelings

    ma( lead to thoughts o

    suicide o# death and i the( do) it is

    time to as o# hel! immediatel(%

    Clinical de!#ession and an.iet( can *e

    de*ilitating *ut a#e $e#( t#eata*le%

     Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

    &hen !eo!le a#e e.!osed to at#aumatic e$ent the(

    #e-uentl( sufe# !s(chologicalconse-uences) such as

    de!#ession o# an.iet(% Additionall()

    some !eo!le

    e.!e#ience #ecu##ent and ongoing#ecollections o the t#auma) "hich can

    o*$iousl( lead to dist#ess%

     Y ou ma( *e d#i$ing in (ou# ca#

    and suddenl(ha$e thoughts o the c#ash o#

    !e#cei$e sensations

    =images) smells> that +*#ing (ou *ac+

    to the c#ash% You ma( "aeu! in the middle o the

    night in a !anic due to a nightma#e%

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    15

    Moments lie these t(!icall(come a*out

    "ithout "a#ning and o$e# time can

    cause (ou to

    a$oid situations that (ou connect "ith

    the c#ash o#

    these #ecu##ences% You ma( eel on

    edge) an.ious)

    al"a(s #ead( to #eact% Recollections

    can eel so

    !ainul and sca#( that the( dis#u!t

     (ou# no#mal acti$ities and

    #elationshi!s%

     V ehicula# c#ashes a#e sometimes"itnessed *(

    amil( o# #iends% 4hoc) num*ness)

    and #age a#e

    no#mal #eactions to "itnessing such a

     $iolent e$ent%

    The mind's $isual im!#int o the

    scene can *e o$e#"helming and

    long lasting%

    T#auma $ictims9su#$i$o#s "hoconsistentl(

    e.!e#ience all o these s(m!toms o#

    at least one

    month o# longe# ma( *e sufe#ing

    #om 7ost

    T#aumatic 4t#ess 8iso#de# =7T48>%

    7T48 is an

    an.iet( diso#de# that is diagnosed *(

    mental health

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    !#oessionals% I (ou *elie$e (ou ma(

    *e sufe#ing

    #om 7T48 it is im!o#tant to see

    !#oessional hel!

    as 7T48 is t#eata*le "ith a com*ination

    o the#a!ies%

    P#oessional counselo#s can hel!difuse the

    im!act o these memo#ies *( !#o$iding

    emotional

    su!!o#t as the e.!e#ience is #eli$ed)using techni-ues

    to hel! #ecall the memo#( "ith less

    ho##o#% &ith

    hel!) !ositi$e memo#ies o the lo$ed one"ill #e!lace the dist#essing memo#ies%

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    16

    COPING

    &hen a lo$ed one is illed) some !eo!leeel that the(

    "ill ne$e# *e ha!!( again% 4ome

     $ictims9su#$i$o#s

    go th#ough a !e#iod o time "hen the(

    a#e not #ead( to eel *ette#% Othe#s a#e

    eage# to eel *ette# and "o#

    to 0nd "a(s to do it% &hethe# (ou a#e

    #ead( to eel *ette# o# not) (ou might

    "ant to loo to othe#s "ho ha$e

    su#$i$ed the o#deal and ha$e managed

    to #egain

    st#ength and 0nd ha!!iness again%

    The( can *e encou#aging models%

    The "o#ld is o#e$e# changed

    "hen someonee.!e#iences a t#auma% 4aet() secu#it()

    !#edicta*ilit()

    and sense o cont#ol a#e all disto#ted%

    In o#de# to #egain a mo#e accu#ate!e#s!ecti$e o the "o#ld

    a#ound (ou) (ou can "o# to"a#d an

    unde#standing o the c#ash%

    This sea#ch o# meaningin$ol$es

    acno"ledging (ou# t#auma and

    asing -uestions%

     At times the#e a#e no ans"e#s *ut it isnonetheless im!o#tant to get ans"e#s

    to those (ou can% Asing s!eci0c

    -uestions a*out the c#ash and

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    o*taining a co!( o the c#ash #e!o#t

    a#e "a(s to *egin%

    In$estigating !otential 0nancial#esou#ces can

    hel! alle$iate some o the 0nancial

    st#esso#s (ou a#e

    e.!e#iencing%

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    17

     A s "ith the man( challenges "eace in lie

    the methods o co!ing (ou choose

    can eithe# *e

    !#oducti$e o#

    damaging% The( Coping Tips:

    can *e eithe# health(

    o# sel•Tell your story"o#erand o#er

    again$•Get support

     from a

    professionalcounselor

    or supportgroup in your area" if you feel youare ready$

    •%rite

    about

     youre!perience in a &ournal$

    •See'

    information

    about yourlo#ed one(scrash" to

    ans)er thoseunans)ered*uestions$

    •+nderstan

    d that

    e#eryonegrie#esdi,erently"

    and be

    especially sensiti#e to family members )homay be grie#ingdi,erently than you$

    • Rein#est in life by

    reaching out to others$

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    deeating%Co!ingis an

    attem!t to

    ada!t (ou#

    ne"

    ci#cumst

    ances

    into (ou#

    e.isting lie

    and (ou

    ma( t#( a

     $a#iet( o

    means to

    achie$e

    this/

    some that

    "o# and

    othe#s

    that do not%

     Y ou# lie "ill

    not *ethe same as it "as

    *eo#e (ou#

    lo$ed one "as illed%

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    emotional e-ui$alent

    to the intense g#ie that most

     $ictims9su#$i$o#s

    e.!e#ience o# the 0#st months o#

     (ea#s% A sense o so##o" is not the

    same as *eing o$e#"helmed *( g#ie%

     W hile the initial #es!onses to thedeath a#e

    de0ned *( the te#m g#ie) mou#ning

    #ee#s to the

    inte#nal !#ocesses associated "ithada!ting to lie

    "ithout (ou# lo$ed one% 4ome ha$e

    desc#i*ed

    mou#ning as a +mist( og on lie%+ You a#enot al"a(s a"a#e) (et (ou #eali,e that

    lie is not -uite as *#ight)

    not -uite as light as it "as *eo#e% You#

     $alues ma(ha$e changed and (ou ma( *e

    im!atient "ith things (ou deem

    unim!o#tant o# t#i$ial%

    It is liel( that (ou "ille.!e#ience t"inges

    o g#ie #om time to time o# man(

     (ea#s% ?ictims9

    su#$i$o#s a#e oten su#!#ised to 0ndthat in the midst

    o a se#ies o good da(s) something

    *#ings on an

    e!isode o g#ie% 4t#ange as it ma(seem) these

    e!isodes o g#ie can *e unde#stood as

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    cele*#ations) cele*#ations o a

    #elationshi! that meant so much to

     (ou that e!isodes o g#ie can still

    o$e#come (ou #om time to time%

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    19

     A nni$e#sa#ies) holida(s) and*i#thda(s oten

    t#igge# #eminde#s o the death o#

    a*sence o (ou#

    lo$ed one% 7e#ha!s the most

    signi0cant and most

    dificult anni$e#sa#( is that o the

    c#ash% The annual date o the c#ash

    ma( cause antici!ato#( an.iet( and

    can cont#i*ute to #ene"ed g#ie o#

     $ictims9su#$i$o#s%

    The 0#st anni$e#sa#( "ill mostliel( *e the

    most !ainul/ ho"e$e#) it ma( also *e an

    o!!o#tunit(

    to #es!ond to the death in a manne#

    that "as denied at the time o the

    c#ash% Commemo#ating (ou# lo$ed

    one's death on this da( hel!s e$e#(one

    to cele*#ate the lie that "as lost%

    Othe# annual cele*#ations) such asCh#istmas)

    Thansgi$ing) and 1othe#'s 8a( "ill

    continue to

    tae !lace (ea# ate# (ea#% In the !ast

    these times o 6o( *#ought (ou# amil(

    togethe#% No" and o#e$e# the( "ill

    t#igge# memo#ies o (ou# lo$ed one%

    Toda( these holida(s "ill *edificult) *ut

    late# "ill !#o$ide (ou "ith #easons to

    #eminisce and

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    *egin ne" #ituals% 7lanning ahead

    o# holida(s

    and *i#thda(s not onl( allo"s (ou to

    !#e!a#e o# those e$ents) *ut also

    !#o$ides ongoing and o!en

    communication *et"een amil(

    mem*e#s%

     A s time !asses) the memo#iesassociated

    "ith (ou# lo$ed one "ill no longe#

    e$oe the sameintensel( !ainul thoughts and

    eelings% The loss "ill tae on ne"

    meaning and the conte.t o (ou#

    #elationshi! "ill change% E$entuall( (ou"ill de$elo! a #ene"ed !e#s!ecti$e o

    the "o#ld a#ound (ou%

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    20

    HEA%ING

    Getting -etter

     You "ill ne$e# o#get "hat ha!!ened% I (ou a#e a#aid

    to get *ette# *ecause (ou thin (ou

    might o#get (ou#

    lo$ed one) no" that (ou "ill ne$e#

    o#get% You "ill

    al"a(s che#ish the memo#( o (ou#

    lo$ed one% You "ill al"a(s #eg#et that

     (ou "e#e una*le to sha#e lie

    "ith him o# he# o# man( mo#e (ea#s%

    In time (ou

    "ill #emem*e# the ha!!( memo#ies

    mo#e oten than the !ainul ones that 0ll

     (ou# mind no"%

    Nea#l( all $ictims9su#$i$o#s a#ea*le to sa(

    that the( a#e g#ateul the( sha#ed

    lie "ith thei#lo$ed one as long as the( did) #athe#

    than "ishing

    he o# she had ne$e# *een *o#n% To

    e.!e#ience de!thso sadness and heights o 6o( is to *e

    ull( ali$e)

    ull( human% 1ost !eo!le a#e glad the(

    a#e ca!a*leo ha$ing st#ong eelings% 3a$ing

    eelings means that denial and

    num*ness a#e no longe# necessa#(

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    and the ullness o the e.!e#ience o the

    t#auma can *e a*so#*ed%

    Getting bettermeans.

    • 4ol$ing !#o*lems and

    com!leting tass in

     (ou# dail( "o# #outineagain/

    • 4lee!ing "ell and ha$ing

    ene#g( again/

    • Feeling good enough a*out

     (ou#sel to *eho!eul a*out the #est o

     (ou# lie/

    • ;eing a*le to en6o( the

    !leasu#a*le and

    *eautiul things in lieagain%

     Y ou !#o*a*l( "ill *e a*le toachie$e these in

    time% Fo# most !eo!le it taes (ea#s

    and ha#d "o#%

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    21

     Focus on

     ife

    Othe# com!onents o healing a#e aninc#eased ocus

    on lie and a dec#eased ocus on death%

    Ea#l( in (ou#

    g#ie (ou ma( ha$e elt that (ou *a#el(

    e.isted% &hen

    othe#s told (ou to chee# u! and get on

    "ith (ou# lie the#e seemed to *e an

    un"illingness to sha#e in (ou# g#ie

     6ou#ne(% You ma( eel disa!!ointed)

    #ust#ated)

    and ang#( at thei# lac o sensiti$it( and

    unde#standing%

    Ultimatel() (ou "ill ha$e todecide "hen

    it is #ight to gi$e mo#e o (ou#

    attention to li$ing%

     You can use (ou# g#ie to continue to

    d#ag (ou do"n)

    o# (ou can use it to #e*uild (ou# lie)

    !#o*a*l( "ith

    mo#e com!assion and

    unde#standing than (ou had *eo#e%

     Y ou ma( unde#stand) in a "a( most!eo!le do

    not) ho" $ulne#a*le "e all a#e and ho"

    im!o#tant it

    is to mae each da( count% You ma(

    ne$e# eel -uite as sae as (ou once did)

    no# -uite as t#usting% These a#e

    changes that oten occu# ate#

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    eno#mous loss% The( a#e all com!ati*le

    "ith healing%

    Fo# some) endu#ing t#aumaignites a s!a#

    o acti$it( to #ight some o the

    "#ongs in$ol$ed

    in a sudden $iolent death% 1ost

     $ictims9su#$i$o#s "ant to !#e$ent it

    o# othe#s% Thousands o men) "omen

    and teenage#s ha$e 6oined 1othe#s

     Against

    8#un 8#i$ing ate# thei# lo$ed ones

    "e#e illed%

    1A88 hel!s in6u#ed $ictims and

    amilies o those illed to co!e

    emotionall() hel!s them th#ough the

    c#iminal 6ustice s(stem) and "o#s to

    !#e$ent d#un d#i$ing c#ashes%

    M A88 and othe#o#gani,ations simila#

    to 1A88 can !#o$ide (ou "ith the

    o!!o#tunit(

    to do "hat (ou can so othe#s don't

    e.!e#ience the t#aged( (ou ha$e%

    4ome !eo!le 0nd it hel!s them

    eno#mousl( to "o# to end d#un

    d#i$ing and $ictimi,ation% It can

    eel as though it is the one

    acti$it( that might *#ing something

    const#ucti$e out o thei# loss%

    Going on can *e a "a( o sho"ingthat lie) as

    22

    it "as #e!#esented in (ou# lo$ed one)

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    matte#s to (ou%

    It can *e im!o#tant too o# othe#s "ho

    lo$e (ou and de!end on (ou% Fo# (ou#

    o"n sae and o# the sae

    o those "ho need (ou and lo$e (ou)

     (ou ha$e a

    #es!onsi*ilit( to t#( to heal% You could

    not !#e$ent the outcome o the d#un

    d#i$ing c#ash that illed (ou# lo$ed

    one% You can) ho"e$e#) cont#ol ho" (ou

    choose to co!e "ith thei# death) and ho"

     (ou choose to li$e the #est o (ou# lie%

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    Literature Available from

    MA All titles a$aila*le online at

    """%madd%o#g%

     ost titles a#ailable in

    Spanish

    #ROCHURES

    Closed !ead

    "n#ury A common complication of

    #ehicular crashes

    on$t Call MeLuc%y

     For those in&ured bydrun' dri#ers

    &very Child eserves aesignated river

    'inancial (ecovery After a run%riving Crash

    !elping Children Cope witheath

    !ow Are )ou'eeling*

     A teen(s guide to loss" grief"

    and healing

    Living with +urnTrauma

    Living with ,pinal Cord"n#ury

    Loss ain and!ealing

     A parent(s guide

    to grief

    Men and

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    Mourning

     A man(s &ourneythrough grief

    MondayMourning

     A guide for the )or'place )hen

    an employee becomesa crash#ictim

    ic%ing /p the 'inancial iecesart 0

     anaging 0nancial

    issues at home

    ic%ing /p the 'inancial iecesart 1

     anaging )or' issues after adrun' dri#ing crash

  • 8/8/2019 Your Grief Youre Not Going

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    ic%ing /p the 'inancial ieces

    art 2 Financial reco#ery

    issues in court

    ,electing a CivilAttorney

    ,omeone )ou 3now rin%sand rives

    /nique 4rief 

     For the non1family

    berea#ed

    5ictim "nformationamphlet

     A guide through the criminal

     &ustice system

    6e !urt Too

     For adult

    siblings

     )our 4rief: )ou$re 7ot 4oingCra8y

    #OO&%ETS

    eath at,chool

     )our 5ictim "mpact,tatement

     A

    )or'boo'

    !angin$ in there with 7igel 9forchildren

    2our grief

    )or'boo'

    !angin$ in there with 7igel 9forchildren

     For coping )ith the in&ury

    of a lo#ed one

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    3all 415661ADD178P  for orderinginformation$

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    This !#o6ect "as su!!o#ted *( g#ant No% @B

    88;DBa"a#ded *( the ;u#eau o ustice

     Assistance)

    Ofice o ustice 7#og#ams) U%4% 8e!a#tment o

     ustice% 7oints

    o $ie" o# o!inions in this document

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    a#e those

    o the autho# and do not necessa#il( #e!#esent

    the $ie"s o theU%4% 8e!a#tment o

     ustice%

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