TWO AND A HALF MEN

1X02 - BIG FLAPPY BASTARDS

WRITTEN BY LEE ARONSOHN & CHUCK LORRE

DIRECTED BY ANDY ACKERMAN

Original Airdate (NBC): 29/SEP/2003

TRANSCRIBED BY CHRISTINE BLACHFORD FOR "TWIZ TV.COM"

DO NOT ARCHIVE/POST/USE THIS TRANSCRIPT WITHOUT PERMISSION!

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DISCLAIMER:

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The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of CHRISTINE BLACHFORD.

"TWO AND A HALF MEN" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS and THE TANNENBAUM COMPANY in association with WARNER BROS. TELEVISION and CBS. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain. For entertainment and educational purposes only. No infringement intended.

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TRANSCRIPT:

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1

[Charlie is sat at the piano. Jake is standing beside him, drinking from a juice box.]

Charlie: Let’s see, what else? Oh, okay. Here’s one of the first things your Uncle Charlie wrote. [Plays and sings] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Huh? What do you think?

Jake: Must have been before my time.

Charlie: Okay, we’re done here. [They get up.] Hey, hey, don’t leave your juice box on the piano, it leaves a ring.

Jake: [picks up the box] How could a box leave a ring?

Alan: Got to run to the grocery store, I’m gonna need somebody to fold these clothes.

Charlie: I don’t know if the grocery store is the first place I’d go for that, but good luck.

Alan: [to Jake] Oh, oh, remember, you’re being punished. So, no TV, no computer, no GameBoy. Charlie? I need you to be my eyes and ears.

Charlie: Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

[Jake pulls a red bra out of the laundry basket.]

Jake: Woah, who’s is this?

Alan: Uh, Charlie, you want to field that one?

2

Charlie: No problem. Jake, sometimes when you have a casual sexual relationship…

Alan: Alright, alright. Jake, we take in strangers’ laundry because we’re poor. I’ll be back in an hour. Start folding. No TV.

[He exits. Charlie tucks the bra away in his shorts pocket. They start folding.]

Charlie: What’d you get busted for?

Jake: I painted my room at Mom’s house.

Charlie: What’s wrong with that?

Jake: [shrugs] I’m 10 years old.

Charlie: Hey… [throws a balled up sock in the air.] How about a little sock golf?

Jake: What’s that?

Charlie: Okay, here’s how it works. The living room is a dogleg par four. That means you have to get your sock into the kitchen sink in four strokes or less.

Jake: Okay.

Charlie: We’ll play for a quarter a hole. Your handicap’s obvious. You’re short and you’ve never heard of the Ninja Turtles. Alright, keep your knees bent, your arms straight, and swing easy.

3

[Jake holds the sock ball in one hand, swings the other hand behind him and bats it across the room. It lands in the kitchen.]

Charlie: Oh man, I’m being hustled.

Jake: We can play for less if you want.

Charlie: Don’t get cocky. There’s 17 more holes. [He bats his sock.]

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[Charlie and Jake are stood at the top of the stairs, staring down at a waste paper basket on top of the coffee table. Charlie is pretending to be a commentator with a British accent.]

Charlie: [British] The 18th hole. All square. The defending champion looks to have an easy tap-in for a birdie as the gallery waits breathlessly for the rookie to respond.

Jake: Would you please stop talking?

Charlie: [British] Tempers flare as the pressure mounts.

[Jake bats his sock and it goes straight into the basket. They look at each other then race down the stairs.]

Jake: Yea!!

Charlie: [British] It’s unbelievable!! An eagle on the 18th. This has never happened before in the history of sock golf.

4

[Alan enters carrying brown shopping bags.]

Alan: A little help here?

Charlie: [British] Fans are coming out of the gallery with sacks of groceries for the young phenom.

Alan: What’s going on?

Jake: I won. I beat Uncle Charlie.

Alan: Excuse me? Didn’t I ask you to fold the laundry?

Charlie: [British] Laundry? Are you barking mad? The child just won the coveted… [pulls a bottle out of Alan’s shopping bags] Palmolive cup. [Throws the bottle to Jake.]

Jake: [Chants and dances away] I won. You lose. I won. You lose.

Alan: Charlie, when I ask Jake to do something I need you to help me make sure that he does it. I’m trying to teach him responsibility. [Picks up the sock from the basket] This sock is soaking wet.

Charlie: Yea, I chipped into the water hazard on the ninth and the lid was open.

Alan: So, this is toilet water?

Charlie: At least.

5

[Alan drops the sock in disgust.]

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[Charlie is sitting on the sofa, watching TV. Alan enters.]

Alan: Alright. I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry, I put the groceries away…

Charlie: The guilt thing doesn’t work on me, Alan.

Alan: Yea, well, it’s all I got. I’ll be back in a little while.

Charlie: Where you going?

Alan: I have to bring the garbage cans back in.

Charlie: Today wasn’t garbage day.

Alan: Oh no, not here. At Judith’s.

Charlie: At Judith’s? Alan, your wife threw you out.

Alan: Yea well, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need me.

Charlie: Yea, it kinda does.

6

Alan: Well, look, we’re still married. It’s still my house and she still counts on me to do a few chores. It’s good, it leaves the door open for, you know, reconciliation.

Charlie: I see. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?

Alan: [looks mad] They’re on wheels.

[Alan exits and Charlie goes back to watching the television. Jake peers round the corner.]

Jake: What are you watching?

Charlie: I’m watching a movie and you’re not supposed to be watching anything.

Jake: Oh yea. Is that guy a good guy or a bad guy?

Charlie: Good guy. And you’re not supposed to be watching TV.

Jake: I know. [Comes into the room a little bit more] Is that his girlfriend?

Charlie: Ex-girlfriend.

Jake: But he still loves her, right?

Charlie: I’m not gonna walk you through the whole movie… I think so. Go to bed, Jake.

7

Jake: Okay.

[Cut to: Later. Jake is now perched on the arm of the sofa, watching the movie.]

Charlie: Who’s that guy?

Jake: That’s the guy he was in jail with and told him where the money was hidden.

Charlie: Oh right. Hey, you’re being punished. No TV.

Jake: I know.

[Cut to: Later. Jake is now sitting next to Charlie on the sofa, and they are sharing a bowl of popcorn. Alan enters.]

Alan: What the hell is going on?

Jake/Charlie: Shh.

Alan: Jake?

Jake: Night.

[Jake runs off to bed. Alan storms in and switches off the TV.]

Charlie: Hey, I’m watching that.

8

Alan: What part of “no TV” didn’t you understand?

Charlie: I’m allowed to watch TV.

Alan: I mean Jake.

Charlie: I said “No TV”, he said “Okay”. I said “Go to bed”, he said “Okay”. What’d you want from me?

Alan: Charlie, he’s taking advantage of you because he knows you won’t follow through.

Charlie: Well, he obviously knows me better than you do.

Alan: Okay, look, if this is going to work out with Jake living here part time, you have to be an adult. You have to impose discipline.

Charlie: Yea, fine, whatever. Give me back the remote.

Alan: No, no, no. You’re not listening to me. You need to be firm.

Charlie: Okay. [puts the popcorn down, and in a serious voice] Go to your room.

Alan: Yes, like that.

Charlie: I mean it. Give me the remote and go to your room.

9

Alan: That’s very funny. Ha ha.

Charlie: I’m serious. Get out of here or I will kick your ass.

[He stands up and Alan runs out of the way.]

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[The piano has a juice box on it. Charlie comes down the stairs and sees it.]

Charlie: Oh man.

[He picks up the box and polishes the piano with his shirt. As he is walking to the kitchen, he notices the door to the deck is open. There are three seagulls perched on the balcony.]

Charlie: Shoo.

[The birds do not move. Charlie makes a sudden movement to scare them. It does not work. He backs inside and shuts the door. He goes to the next room. Jake is sitting on the sofa, watching cartoons.]

Charlie: Jake. [Jake ignores him. Louder.] Jake.

Jake: [jumps and switches off the TV.] It was on when I came in.

Charlie: Yea, right. What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano?

10

Jake: How do you know it’s mine?

Charlie: Come on, who else around here drinks “Transylvania Goofy Juice”?

Jake: Good point.

Charlie: And another thing. Were you on the deck feeding the seagulls again?

Jake: Sorry, I forgot.

Charlie: Okay, we need to talk.

Jake: Love you, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Look, we don’t feed the seagulls because you can’t get rid of them. We don’t leave the doors and windows open because we get all kinds of bugs and crap flying in the house.

Jake: Okay.

Charlie: No, no, no, don’t just say “Okay”. This is not the grownup telling the kid what to do. This is just two guys agreeing how to live together. Are we cool?

Jake: Yea, cool.

[They bang fists. Alan enters.]

11

Alan: Hey. [Suspicious] What’s going on?

Charlie: Nothing.

Alan: Was he watching TV?

Charlie: No. [winks at Jake]

Alan: Jake, I have to run a quick errand. So, why don’t you wash and dress and when I get back we’ll do something fun.

Jake: Can we watch TV?

Alan: Go!

[Jake goes upstairs. Alan turns to leave.]

Charlie: Where are you off to?

Alan: Uh, the, uh, the, uh, grocery store.

Charlie: You’re going to Judith’s, aren’t you?

Alan: No.

12

Charlie: Then where are you going?

Alan: Judith’s.

Charlie: Oh, Alan.

Alan: I have to. I have to. The, the, the timer on the sprinkler system is broken and the flower beds are getting flooded, and I love her and I want her back.

Charlie: Buddy, I feel for you.

Alan: Thank you.

Charlie: Unfortunately, the feeling is nausea.

Alan: Great, great, I’ll see you later.

Charlie: Alan, you’ve been making the same mistake your whole life. Being the good boy, fixing everything so everybody would love you. It didn’t work with Mom. It didn’t work with either of the women you went out with. And it’s not gonna work with your wife.

Alan: Charlie, you know nothing about commitment and responsibility to a relationship.

Charlie: Granted. But I do know when a woman’s using me. And by that I mean, not in a fun way.

Alan: Well, you can rest easy because no one is using me. [He exits. A few seconds later, he is back.] And did you mean I only dated two women including Judith? Because… because if you did, I have two words for you: Maxine Chernakoff.

13

[He leaves again, this time slamming the door. Charlie turns around and a seagull flies onto the kitchen table. He yelps.]

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[Alan is fixing the sprinkler system. He is soaking wet. Judith approaches.]

Judith: Did you fix it?

Alan: Not quite.

Judith: It doesn’t seem like you’re changing anything.

Alan: No? Well, sometimes change happens, Judith, and you can’t see it. [He gets squirted with water.]

Judith: Okay, fine, when you’re done fixing this would you come inside and take a look at the garbage disposal?

Alan: Sure.

Judith: Thank you.

Alan: Wait, no. [He gets squirted with water again.]

Judith: What?

14

Alan: No, I won’t come inside and look at the garbage disposal.

Judith: Why not?

Alan: [Gets wet again.] I know when I’m being used, Judith, and not in a fun way.

Judith: What are you talking about?

Alan: Who are we kidding? The marriage is over. You’re just afraid to move on so you keep dragging me over here, and I’m afraid to move on so I keep coming. [He gets squirted again.] Goodbye Judith, you’re free. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.

[Judith steps forward and kisses him. They both get wet this time, but don’t seem to notice.]

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[Charlie is playing the piano. Jake comes out of the kitchen, holding a bread bag. He tries to walk casually past Charlie.]

Charlie: Jake? What you got there?

Jake: Just a little bread.

Charlie: Please tell me you’re not feeding the seagulls again. [A bird screeches from inside the house.]

15

Jake: Okay.

[Charlie gets up and goes to Jake’s bedroom.]

Charlie: Oh man, did you let another one of those big, flappy bastards in the house?

Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar, you said “bastards”.

Charlie: Smart, poke the bear. I’m telling you Jake, this is the last time… [He opens up the bedroom door and is confronted with dozens of birds, all over the bed and the room.] Yikes.

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[Charlie is dialling the phone. Jake stands behind him.]

Jake: I’m really sorry, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: I don’t want to talk to you right now. [on phone] Hello, do you have a department of animal control or bird abatement? I have a seagull problem. Seagull. Thank you, I’ll hold.

Jake: I didn’t know there’d be so many.

Charlie: [holds the phone away] I told you, don’t feed the damn things. I told you, don’t leave the windows open. [on phone] Yea, hi. Er, who’s this? Phyllis Siegal. No, no, Phyllis, I wanted to talk to somebody about seagulls. I got a flock of seagulls in my house. No, I don’t know whatever happened to them.

16

Jake: I’m really sorry.

Charlie: [to Jake] We had an agreement, Jake, and you broke it. [on phone] Look, I need somebody who can come over with a net or something. Sure, I’ll hold. Hello? Who’s this? Annette. Look, I got a room filled with seagulls and… no, no, no… Hi, Phyllis.

[Alan enters. He is very happy, almost bouncing.]

Alan: Hey.

Charlie: Goodbye Phyllis. [hangs up]

Alan: Good news.

Charlie: Really? Come tell me in Jake’s room.

Alan: What did he do? He didn’t paint anything, did he?

Charlie: I want you to be surprised. [leads Alan to Jake’s room]

Alan: You will never guess what happened while I was at Judith’s.

Charlie: Neither will you. [Opens the bedroom door and pushes Alan inside.]

Alan: Oh my God!

17

Charlie: [holding the door shut] So, what’s your good news?

Alan: [bangs on the door] Open the door!

Charlie: Your kid got them in there, you get them out.

Alan: Open… the… door!!

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[Later. Alan is at the kitchen sink, picking feathers out of his hair. Charlie enters.]

Alan: That was not funny, Charlie.

Charlie: Depends on what side of the door you were on.

Alan: Look, I’m really sorry about the birds, but I’m sure they’ll leave as soon as they get hungry.

Charlie: That’s what I thought about you.

Alan: Well, you know what? Jake and I may be out of here sooner than you think.

Charlie: What do you mean?

Alan: At Judith’s, there was kissing. Mutual kissing. Unprompted, but reciprocated by yours truly.

18

Charlie: Wow. And was it as boring as it sounds?

Alan: Charlie, Charlie, she kissed me. And this was not the kiss of a woman who just wanted her garbage disposal unclogged.

Charlie: Well, you know her plumbing better than I do.

Alan: You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna let her come to me. You know, be detached, play it cool, you know?

Charlie: Yea, that’s your home run swing.

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you wanna play some sock golf?

Charlie: No, thanks. [picks his keys up off the table]

Jake: Where you going?

Charlie: I’m going for a drive.

Jake: Can I come?

Charlie: Nope. [leaves]

Jake: [to Alan] I don’t think Uncle Charlie likes me anymore.

Alan: Don’t be silly. He’s just a little upset about the 30, 40 screaming, crapping birds in his house. Why don’t you, uh, why don’t you write him a note and tell him how sorry you are.

19

Jake: Okay. [exits]

Alan: [calls after him] Don’t worry! He’ll come around. [to himself] Sooner or later, everybody comes around. You just have to give them a little time and a little space. [picks up the phone and dials] Hello, Judith?

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[Charlie puts a bucket on the table. Alan enters and sniffs.]

Alan: What’s in the bucket?

Charlie: Chum.

Alan: What?

Charlie: Bait. I went down to the bait shop and asked them what seagulls like to eat.

Alan: We’re keeping them?

Charlie: No, we’re gonna throw the bait out the window to lure the birds out of the house.

Alan: Oh, that’s pretty clever.

Charlie: Yea, it’s a variation on something I do with women and tennis bracelets.

20

[Charlie puts on a big yellow, waterproof, fisherman’s jacket. Jake enters carrying a card.]

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, I made this for you.

Charlie: [takes the card, looks at it, throws it on the table] Thanks.

Jake: I made it myself.

Charlie: I see that.

Jake: What are you doing?

Charlie: I’m getting rid of the birds.

Jake: Can I help?

Charlie: Nope.

Alan: Er, Jake, why don’t you go out and play on the deck, okay?

Jake: [sad] Okay. [Goes outside]

Alan: What is wrong with you? He worked really hard on that card. You barely looked at it.

Charlie: What do you want from me, Alan?

21

Alan: He’s dying for you to forgive him.

Charlie: Fine. I forgive him. Now, are you gonna help me or not? I got a serious problem here. [puts on some goggles]

Alan: Really? Cos you look like you have it all together.

[Cut to: Alan and Charlie approach the bedroom.]

Charlie: Okay, here’s the deal. We go in there and start throwing this stuff out the windows. When the last bird’s out, we close the window and get on with our lives. You ready?

Alan: Sure.

[Charlie opens the door and they go in.]

Alan: You know, if they love this bait so much, why would they even wait for you to…

[The birds go crazy. Charlie and Alan scream and run back outside, slamming the door behind them.]

Charlie: It’s almost like somebody tipped them off.

Alan: You got any other bright ideas?

Charlie: Yea. I’m gonna get a drywall guy in there and seal off that room.

22

Alan: Very funny.

Charlie: I’m not kidding. That room is dead to me. [They head back to the main room] Either that or sell the house. I’ll put it on the market as a two bedroom plus aviary. Everybody loves an aviary.

Alan: [looking outside] What about Jake? [Jake is sitting on one of the chairs looking depressed] Are you gonna put him on the market or just wall him off?

Charlie: I tried with that kid, Alan. He says one thing and then he goes and does another.

Alan: He’s 10! He’s got the attention span of a hummingbird.

Charlie: Well then, what am I supposed to do when he ignores me?

Alan: You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys.

Charlie: Well, you already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler?

Alan: You know what I’m saying Charlie. You just, you don’t take away your love.

[Charlie looks at Jake and realises. He goes towards the door, but sees a juice box on the piano. He gestures and Alan shrugs. Charlie looks at Jake, then sighs and puts the juice box back on the piano. He goes outside, shuts the door and crouches in front of Jake. Jake looks a bit happier.]

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23

[Alan waits outside Judith’s door. She opens it.]

Alan: Hi. I tried calling but I kept getting your machine, so I thought I’d bring this over.

Judith: What is it?

Alan: It’s my master file of handymen, plumbers, electricians, maintenance schedules, warranties, authorised repair centres, um, et cetera… Okay, well, uh, you’re on your own. Got to run. [turns to go]

Judith: Alan, wait.

Alan: [smiles to himself before he turns round] Yes?

Judith: About that kiss.

Alan: Ah.

Judith: When you said we should move on, I got scared and uh, Alan I kissed you out of fear.

Alan: Hey, it still counts.

Judith: Alan, you were right, we have to move on.

Alan: Okay. [turns to go]

24

Judith: Alan, wait.

Alan: [smiles to himself again] Yes?

Judith: The garbage disposal’s still making that horrible noise.

Alan: Well, I keep telling you not to put bones in it.

Judith: I didn’t.

Alan: The sink trap does not lie, Judith.

[He goes inside the house.]

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[A toy store. Charlie gets an X-Box from the top shelf and gives it to Jake.]

Jake: This is so cool, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Yea, well, I was kinda hard on you and I wanted to make it up.

Jake: So, you’re not still mad about the seagulls?

Charlie: Oh, I’m still mad, I just figured out a better way to deal with it.

25

Jake: Well, I think this is a very good way.

Charlie: Me too. I’m buying you all this stuff, but as punishment for letting seagulls in my house, you can’t play with it for a month.

Jake: A month?

Charlie: Pretty smart, eh?

Jake: It’s not fair.

Charlie: [rubs his fingers together] You know what this is? The world’s smallest violin.

Jake: What are you talking about?

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[Jake’s room is finally free of birds but there are feathers everywhere. Alan and Jake peer round the door, then enter.]

Alan: They’re gone, Charlie.

[Alan runs to shut the windows. Charlie hovers in the doorway.]

Charlie: Are you sure? Check under the bed.

26

Jake: [checks] All clear.

Charlie: Okay. I wonder why they left.

Alan: [holds up the empty bucket] Maybe because we stopped feeding them.

[Jake goes to a drawer and sees several eggs.]

Jake: Woah, check it out.

Alan: [peering over Jake’s shoulder] Wow, you know what this means, don’t you?

Charlie: [joins them over Jake’s other shoulder] Yea. Breakfast.

[Alan hits him.]

27