Presented by Milford Elementary School Counselors Anne
Pearlstein MSW Sue Burns M.Ed Allison Pelletier M.Ed September 19,
2012
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An unsolved problem A disagreement between two people that may
be the result of different: Ideas Perspectives Priorities
Preferences Beliefs Values Goals
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There is no one who can help Overwhelming HELP! I can do this I
am on my own Its their fault Its my fault Its ok to ask for help
Scary A challenge Confusing
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Setting Events Divorce & Two household routines Domestic
Violence/Substance/Verbal abuse Lack of routine or support Economic
stress/anxiety Culture/Modeling at home- How are disagreements
handled? How is stress handled? What type of respect &
communication is modeled? What coping skills are taught/used by
parents
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Problems can be seen as: Challenges to overcome Puzzles to be
solved Opportunities to grow There are benefits to
conflict/problems: Your children learn not to be afraid of problems
You teach an optimistic attitude toward problems by modeling a can
do attitude Your childrens self esteem will be enhanced Your
positive attitude will build a positive relationship with your
child
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Problem Exploration 1. Define the problem- What? Where? When?
How often? 2. Is it challenging a Norm? 3. Who owns the problem? 4.
How acceptable is it?
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How often is he late? He has been late 4 of the last 5 times
Under what circumstances? He went bike riding after school To what
extent? Once by 5 minutes and three times by 20-30 minutes
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The behaviors are part of a child doing the job of a
developmental task Eleven year olds typically: Can tell right from
wrong, but dont always do the right thing Likes to argue and prove
parent wrong Has a strong conscience Is concerned with
self-protection Does not approve of cheating, but still may do so
Is it challenging a Norm? Is it still a problem? YES
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5 year olds Children begin to articulate their feelings. ex: Im
sorry or Im mad at you More self-control & periods of attention
May point out differences in others Can be self-critical & fall
apart when frustrated Proud of being a big kid Goes between
desiring independence and needing to be babied and reassured Begins
to experience more things independent of parents but will still
seek reassurance. More awareness of their own and others emotions
Need to be taught the fine line between confidence and boasting
Perfectionistic Difficulty accepting criticism or punishment See
things in black and white Need for security and routine while still
calling the shots 6 year olds
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7 year olds More guidance than supervision: food choices,
leisure time, chores etc. Need routine for security but can handle
changes Own worst critic/desire to fit in Will desire down time or
alone time May begin collections Quick changing emotions Critical
of others and self Compares self to others Desire for privacy
Desire to be part of a groups such as sports, scouts, clubs etc May
gravitate towards friends of the same gender Developing
understanding of wrong & right can lead to group conflict
Developing empathy & perspective 8 year olds
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9 year olds Developing emotional maturity: delayed
gratification/helping others Begin to form their own opinions
Better able to resolve conflict w/friends Susceptible to
stress/anxiety Begin to form strong attachments to friends Desire
to win: hate to lose Strong sense of right and wrong/fair Need for
distance from parents and desire for social experiences Peer
pressure/desire to fit in Insecurities/appearance Entering
adolescence Body image and changes Mood swings/volatility Need for
self-confidence Thinking independently about who they are. Im a
vegetarian or Im a Yankees fan 10 year olds
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When something our child does directly effects us in a negative
way, then we own the problem When something our child does only
affects him and does not directly effect us, then the child owns
the problem Sometimes, both own the problem Who is bothered?
Mom
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Differs by person Varies by our mood Depends on the age of the
child Is it still a problem? YES
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Introduce the topic: 1. Talk about childs feelings 2. Talk
about your feelings 3. Summarize the problem 4. Generate possible
solutions
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Invite your child to brainstorm mutually acceptable solutions
Let the child come up with the first few ideas Refrain from
commenting Write down all the ideas
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Connor gets to stay out longer- C Connor will ride by the house
and tell Mom if he wants more time-C Connor will do his homework
while riding his bike.-C Connor completes his homework, before he
can ride his bicycle.-M Connor will go out later when his friends
are out.-M Connor gets a cell phone so he can call when he will be
late.-C
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Decide which ideas you like, which you dont and which you want
to put into action. You want to be careful about criticizing or
putting- down ideas or suggestions you dont like. Generate
Solutions Choose the feasible options or create compromises
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Make a specific plan What steps do we have to take to get this
plan in motion Who will be responsible for what By when will it be
done It is critical to insist that your child follow through on
agreements.
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Connor will complete 15 minutes of homework before he rides his
bike He can go out for 30 minutes If he wants more time, he will
ride home to ask his mom if it is ok for the schedule for him to
stay out for another 30 minutes. If Connor does not abide by this
agreement, he cannot ride his bicycle the next day
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EVALUATE Set a specific time to evaluate the effectiveness of
the plan Make changes as needed
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Problem Exploration 1. Define the problem- What? Where? When?
How often? 2. Is it challenging a Norm? 3. Who owns the problem? 4.
How acceptable is it? 5. Generate and Evaluate Solutions 6.
Implement a Plan 7. Evaluate and adjust the plan
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Ames, Louise Bates, and Frances Ilg, Your One Year Old,Your Two
Year Old, Your Three Year Old Brazelton, T. Berry, Touchpoints
Fraiberg, Selma, The Magic Years Gessell, Arnold, and Frances Ilg,
The Child From Five to Ten Hewitt, Deborah, So This is Normal Too?
Ilg, Frances and Louise Bates Ames, Child Behavior Medina, John,
Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from
Zero to Five
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For Older Children (ages three or four years and above) Clarke,
Jean Illsley, Growing Up Again Coloroso, Barbara, Kids Are Worth It
Crary, Elizabeth, Kids can Cooperate Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy, Kids,
Parents and Power Struggles Nelsen, Jane, Positive Discipline
Silberman & Wheelen, How to Discipline Without Feeling Guilty
Silberman, Mel, Confident Parenting Swift, Madeline, Discipline for
Life: Getting it Right With Children