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How to Survive agardengnome
attack
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CHUCK SAMBUCHINO
Photography by Andrew Parsons
Defend YourselfWhen the Lawn Warriors Strike
(and They Will)
How to Survive a
garden
gnomeattack
TEN SPEED PRESS
Berkeley
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This guide is dedicated to Janosh The Gnome Hunter Onderdonk, Captain Bjorn
Presthus, Millie Palmer, and the 126 souls on board National Airways Flight 4663.
All were brave individuals whose lives were cut short. Rest in peace, freedom fighters.
Copyright 2010 by Chuck Sambuchino
Photography 2010 by Andrew Parsons
Photograph on page 14 2010 by Sara Guren
Left photograph on page 97 iStockphoto.com/fpm
Right photograph on page 97 iStockphoto.com/logoHY
Left photograph on page 98 iStockphoto.com/MogensTrolle
Right photograph on page 98 iStockphoto.com/Pgiam
Left photograph on page 99 iStockphoto.com/-M-I-S-H-A-
Right photograph on page 99 iStockphoto.com/apz01
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Ten Speed Press, an imprint of
the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
www.tenspeed.com
Ten Speed Press and the Ten Speed Press colophon are registered trademarks of
Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Sambuchino, Chuck.
How to survive a garden gnome attack : defend yourself when the lawn warriors
strike (and they will) / Chuck Sambuchino. 1st ed.
p. cm.
1. American wit and humor. I. Title.
PN6165.S26 2010
818.602dc22
2010008806
ISBN 978-1-58008-463-5
Printed in China
Cover and interior design by Betsy Stromberg
Cover photography by Betsy Stromberg
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
First Edition
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Contents
Introduction . . . . . 1
PART 1ASSESS 1 Are You at Risk?. . . . . 7 2 Suspicious Activity. . . . . 11
3 Recognizing Communication. . . . . 21
PART 2PROTECT 4 Passive FortificationArea Denial. . . . . 31
5 Gnomeproofing Your ExteriorAccess Denial. . . . . 39
6 Gnomeproofing Your InteriorInternal Defense. . . . . 47
PART 3DEFEND 7 Ten Tips That Could Save Your Life. . . . . 59
8 Their Arsenal. . . . . 67
9 Your Arsenal. . . . . 73
PART 4APPLY10 Mortal Combat. . . . . 87
11 Gnome Roam No More. . . . . 95
Acknowledgments . . . . . 106
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1
Introduction
Keep reading if you want to live.
Call them what you want. Garden gnomes. Lawn orna-
ments. Little evil outdoor statuary hell-bent on world domi-
nation. It doesnt matter. What does matter is that, right now,
theyre hiding in plain sight, pretending to be symbols of
merriment and good will. But secretly, quietly, while pushing
diminutive wheelbarrows and brandishing miniature flower-
pots, theyre planning home invasions all over the world. Per-
haps theyre in your backyard right nowand youre staring
at one while reading this. (Wait a minutedoes that gnome
look a little closer to the patio door than yesterday?)
Fear not. Now that you know theyre planning to strike,
youre much safer than you were sixty seconds ago. The next
thing to do is learn everything you can about how to protect
yourself, your loved ones, and your residence from thesemalicious garden dwellers. Do you know how to stop a gnome
from tunneling under the house? What is the best (really the
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2 How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack
only) way to combat several gnomes at once in close quarters?
How to interpret their communication? Would you recognize
the signs of a gathering hoard or an impending infiltration?
If you answered no to any of these questions, its a good thing
youre reading this handbook.
How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attackis the only sur-
vival guide that instructs you on how to prevent and ward
off a home invasion and eradicate them from your prop-
erty for good. In the unfortunate event of an actual attack,
it will prepare you for battle, outlining dozens of possible
encounter scenarios and defense strategies. It is important
to read the book in its entirety for a thorough understand-
ing of what you and millions like you are dealing with. And
after youve finished reading, youll be ready to face the
pointy-capped little men waiting outside and save your own
life in the process.
If you think you have time to waste, rest assured you do
not. Right this very minute, garden gnomes are conspiring
and mobilizing in your neighborhood. This problem is not
going to go awayand never forget that gnomes cannot be
domesticated. This is war. They want you dead, and they may
succeedunless youre ready. And if you think it could never
happen to you because of who you are or where you live or
what you look like, trust me when I tell you that they have
you in their sights. It doesnt matter where you were born or
whether youre sixteen or eighty. These wily warriors are out
to exterminate humanity, one gnomeowner at a time.
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Introduction
3
So before you continue, take a moment to make sure
all your doors and windows are securedthat includes pet
doors. Background or white noise in the room (a small fan
works well) is advisable to disrupt any possible enchant-
ments. Do that and then come back. Well wait. They wont.
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PART
1
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ASSESS
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7
1
Are You at Risk?
If youre reading this book, chances are youre in proximity
to garden gnomes (Gnomus hortus) and have made the most
important decision of your life: to educate yourself and take
a stand against these suburban subversives. As gnomes con-
tinue to populate the planet at an alarming rate, we are all
at risksome more than others. Some of us will have years
to wait before we have to fight a lawn gnome to the death in
single combat. Scarily, some of us have days at most before
forces clash. Your first step should be to assess the probabil-
ity level of an attack on your domicile:
Factors increasingyour risk of an attack:
For some insane reason, you actually own lawn
gnomes.
You live in a suburban or rural house.
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8 How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack
Your dwelling sits on secluded, wooded acreage.
You live alone.
You follow a strict routine, making it easy to predict
your comings and goings.
There are gnomeowners in your neighborhood.
Factors decreasingyour risk of an attack:
Youve never seen a garden gnome except in pictures
or on TV.
You live in an urban area with little green space.
You live in an apartment complex or high-rise.
You travel frequently.
You frequently move among your many residences
because youre rich.
You live with a large, extended family, whose
members all watch over one another.
If you possess three or more factors that increase the
likelihood of a lawn ornament onslaught, you are no doubt a
high-risk target. Stop everything youre doing and carve out
an afternoon to finish reading this book. (Even slow-witted
readers can manage thisits only 106 pages.) When youre
done, go out and buy supplies to protect yourselfthen come
back, start fortifying your home, and read this guide again.
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Are You at Risk? 9
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11
2
Suspicious Activity
According to garden gnome defense expert David Lamay,
every household assault is preceded by deep reconnaissance
and probing (DRAP). Such scrutiny increases a gnomes
chances of success as well as the chances of your burial.
Similar to thieves casing a store before a robbery, gnomes
will try and find out as much as they can about you, your
home, and your habits before mounting an offensive. Prior
to a strike, gnomes perform months or even years of recon-
naissance workscoping out every detail of your day-to-day
routine and any vulnerabilities in your residential defenses.
This pre-attack investigation is called probing, and a con-
scious gnomeowner will begin to notice unusual and disturb-
ing signs in and around the house, garden, and outbuildings
(detached garage, garden shed, pool house, etc.).
Start to think about probing in terms of location. When
they enter and explore your territorythe housetheyre
probing you. But at the same time, you can probe them right
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12 How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack
back. The backyard is their territory. When youre outside,
take the initiative and start assessing them. A note of caution:
Although youre fairly safe in open spaces, it is never recom-
mended to follow a gnome into the woods should you see one
leave the lawn and head for the trees. Consider this to be
crossing the Gnome Rubicon; youre on their turfin their
world. If you step out of the familiarity of your backyard and
into the black hole that is the forest, your chances of survival
decrease by 60 percent, while your odds of getting bludgeoned
to death at the thickets edge increase by 200,000 percent.
So why havent you been attacked yet? Thats a good
questiona question by someone who wants to stay alive.
The answer is theyre still evaluating the situation and
weighing the pros and cons of an attack. Perhaps you alreadyhave solid home defenses in place and didnt realize it. Per-
haps the gnomes decided to assault your neighbors first. Or
perhaps your life is on the agenda for tomorrow.
Sightings and Strange Phenomena
Things to watch for outside the house include the following:
Footprints in dirt or mud:Gnomes will try to cover
their tracks with trickery, but sometimes they will
let their guard down. If you see small shoeprints in
wet earth, you know a gnome has been prowling.
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Suspicious Activity 13
Misplaced wheelbarrow:If theyre moving tools or
stones, theyll need to use a wheelbarrow. Look for
indentations in the grass and watch for wheelbarrows
where they shouldnt be (right outside the front door
or in the middle of the driveway). Give your wheel-
barrow a quick hose blast. If you find residue on your
next inspection, thats a clue that danger is afoot.
Unexplained movement:Youre weeding a flower bed
or cutting the grass when you suddenly stop and just
stare at a lawn gnome. Your pulse quickens because
something isnt . . . quite . . . right. (Was the gnome in
the red cap sitting to the rightof the birdbath yester-
day? Was the gnome in the blue tunic always on the
bottom stepof the stairs to the deck?) What youre
feeling is a combination of adrenaline and intuition.
Pay attention.
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14 How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack
Sensation of being watched: Psychiatrists will say that
we cannot actually feel eyes boring into the back
of our heads, but they also insist that lawn gnomes
pose no threat to humanity whatsoeverproving
they obviously know nothing.
Homegrown produce stunted/discolored:First of all,
stop eating from your gardenimmediately. Its too
easy for a gnome to taint your homegrown tomatoes
and strawberries, and keep in mind that most gnome
potions wont wash off with a quick rinse under the
kitchen tap. Look for unusual size and coloring, dis-
turbing outgrowths, or premature rotting.
Inexplicable animal behavior: Youre not looking for
specific behaviors, but rather for baffling deviations
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Suspicious Activity 15
from the norm. Are birds no longer coming to the
feeder? Are local nocturnal mammals (raccoons,
possums) venturing out in daylight? Is your dog bark-
ing at nothing or urinating on himself? All of these
are telltale signs of looming doom.
Possibly worse than suspecting strange goings on are
afoot outside your house is noticing alarming occurrences
happening inside your dwelling. Things to watch out for
indoors include the following:
Pipe smoke: Gnomes should know better than to
smoke inside a house, but a rare, undisciplined war-
rior may light up and give you a precious clue thatintruders have breached the perimeter.
Sawdust: Wood shavings indicate theyve entered
through a baseboard, kitchen cupboard, or bathroom
vanity, or theyre tunneling up through the floor or
down through a ceiling beam. Its time to start check-
ing attics, basements, and crawlspaces for gnome
passageways.
Toolbox missing/emptied:Your toolbox is the Holy
Grail to a gnome. Think about it. The average tool-
box contains devices perfectly designed for stabbing
and puncturing (screwdrivers, drills), bludgeoning
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16 How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack
(hammers, wrenches), dismembering (pliers, hand-
saws), and crushing (mallets, crowbars). Toolboxes
are rarely removed altogether because of their weight
and location (on a shelf or workbench in the garage),
but if it does turn up missingor is significantly
lighterits not the annoying neighbors kid. . . .
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Suspicious Activity 17
Cameras/video camcorders missing/manipulated:A
gnomes greatest allies are human ignorance and
disbelief. Either we dont know theyre a threat, or
we just cant believetheyre a threat. If only we could
catch them moving on camera, we could educate the
world. Gnomes understand the potential danger, so
one of their first acts of probing will be to find and
disable any recording devices you haveincluding
video apps on your cell phoneso that, whatever
happens, you have no proof of life apart from your
injuries.
Utensils/appliances missing/moved: Have you ever
opened your utensil or cutlery drawer and wonderedwhere all the knives went? Well, now you know.
Silverware will be among the first things gnomes nab.
In addition, any small appliance with a detachable
blade (vegetable peeler, coffee grinder, blender, food
processor) must be kept under lock and key. Other
household items to keep a close watch on include
nail files, ballpoint pens, and scissors (all sizes).
House drafts: You cant understand it. You keep inching
up the thermostat yet the house remains chilly. Whats
wrong? Then you start to notice some parts of the
house are verydraftya sign that gnomes are finding
their way in. If you feel a draft or chilly gust, do your
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18 How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack
best to follow it to its source and try to identify the
weak point in your defenses. If youre having trouble
doing this yourself, enlist the help of your local power
company. Request an energy audit and let a profes-
sional locate the breach.
Logbook of Strange Phenomena
Keep a logbook on hand to chronicle any and all unusual
happenings inside and outside the house. As the frequency
of unusual phenomena increases, so does the likelihood of
an attack. Details to note include the following:
What was the nature of the strange event?
Where did you see this unusual occurrence?
What was the date?
What time of day was it?
Were you alone?
Were you indoors or outdoors?
If indoors, in which room or area of your house did
the sighting occur?
If outside, was the sun out? Was it raining? Describe
the temperature.
Have you seen this sign before? Is this a recurring
phenomenon?
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Suspicious Activity 19
Although the notations may seem pointless now, if an
attack were to commence and you live to tell the tale (and
you willthink positive!), such a journal will prove invaluable
to researchers. Other gnomeowners will be able to pinpoint
a pending attack within days or even hours of the actual
eventall thanks to your thorough record keeping.
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How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack
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