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Girl Bullying: Helping mean girls make nice
Unpacking Relational Aggression and Bullying among Girls
Abhey Gupta
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Why are we here?
Why *I* am here Why this workshop is important? Recent news in “girl bullying” Why are *you* here? Check you pen color.
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What do we mean by “Girl Bullying?”
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Helpful Terms
Social Aggression Relational Aggression
Put your head down and cover your eyes.
Why might these forms of aggression be particularly appealing to girls?
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Gender and Aggression
All children feel anger, jealousy, competition and aggression.
Girls are socialized to avoid expressing these feelings directly.
All girls (and all boys) engage in relational and social aggression from time to time.
Not all aggression is negative. Not all aggression is bullying.
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“Girl” Bullying is
Repeated actions against a target Intentionally harmful to target Power imbalance between aggressor and
target
We *expect* this kind of behavior among girls. But we do not *accept* it.
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Girl bullying is a predictable phenomenon
All girls use relational and social aggression. But not all girls have a pattern of bullying. And not all girls are likely targets.
Group Process Activity
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Unpacking our Emotional Baggage(Adapted from Wiseman, 2002)
Where did you fit in middle school? Where did you fit in high school? What did you get from being part of this group? Did you ever want to leave the clique but felt
like you couldn’t? Were you ever tormented by someone in a
clique?
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Continued:
Is there anyone you would run away from if you saw them now?
Did you ever feel trapped by a reputation you couldn’t shake?
Were you ever teased? About what? How did you handle it?
Did you spread gossip? Were you gossiped about? How did you handle it?
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Characteristics of Girl Bullies
Tendency to prefer RA/SA over assertive behaviors
May use RA/SA for several reasons– Jealousy/Insecurity is #1 reason– Maintain or build status/power– Competition for attention from romantic interests– Learned behaviors from role models and peers– Entertainment, to alleviate boredom
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Continued:
Good grooming and social skills Wants to please authority figures and appear
“nice” Poorer internal emotional regulation Hostile Interpersonal Attribution Bias
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Continued:
Lower levels of empathy– May be a precursor in developing Anti-Social
Personality Disorder– Gender Bias in Conduct Disorder criteria
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Characteristics of Targets
Target vs. Victim Three “Ds”
– Different– Dominant– Disruptive
Most- and least-liked of peer cohort May be less likely to “go along to get along”
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Continued:
May have poorer social insight or social skills May tend to be more comfortable with critical
or direct feedback… “unvarnished truth” Bully perceives target as a threat in some way May have poorer emotional regulation… “push
button temper”
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Continued:
May have less experience with playful RA/SA May have strong sense of justice… “whistle
blower”
Bottom Line: Not all bullies are the same and not all targets are the same
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Common Techniques of RA Bullying
Gossiping Teasing/Public Humiliation Relational blackmail Ostracism/Exclusion Creating Paranoia Pranks and technology
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Cyberbullying
This is not really new, just a new medium. Some research suggests 58% of girls know
more about internet/computers than parents Cellphones and texting more ubiquitous Organized cyberbullying Can happen in email, chat rooms, social
networking sites, interactive gaming sites
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Continued:
Cyberbullying enhances anonymity of bullies who do things they might not do IRL… They are more anonymous and more removed from target.
Cyberbullying enhances paranoia of targets Internet allows broad abilities to access and
distribute information quickly and easily
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Terms to know
Troll Sock Puppet Flame Leet Speak Txt speak
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Keep in mind:
Everything leaves a trace in Cyberspace that is never really deleted.
Most of the time it is easy to change email, and disconnect from antagonistic situations.
Everyone is *not* looking. Slander, Libel, Defamation, Fraud
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Tips for Addressing Cyberbullying
No unmoderated/unsupervised internet use Parents/supervisor have all passwords, total
access, and actually *supervise* internet use Need help deciphering? Google and Wikipedia
are your friends Harassers can be blocked, deleted, and
avoided.
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More tips:
Reporting harassment and cyberbullying is getting easier.
Adopt two important IRL rules:– NO identifying IRL information goes on-line– No on-line behaviors that would not be acceptable
IRL
There are new laws about cyberbullying in Missouri.
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If you read further down that article…
“The Missouri measure also requires school officials to tell police about harassment and stalking on school grounds and expands state laws against stalking to cover "credible threats" not only against the victim but against family and household members and animals…”
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Outcomes of Bullying
Peer rejection Maladaptive internalizing and/or externalizing
of problems Depressive symptoms and suicidal ideation Loneliness Obesity Eating Disorders
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Outcomes continued:
Substance abuse and addiction Romantic and relationship problems Personality Disorders Dislike of women in general… “I’m a woman,
and I think women are generally bad.” Poor self-esteem Contagion…RA/SA is interpersonally
transmitted. If you allow it, it spreads.
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Bottom line:
Understanding RA/SA helps us understand a significant factor in the adjustment problems in girls.
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The Ophelia Project and Related Efforts
Campaigns for saving our girls
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Recent attention on Girl Bullying
Attention to RA/SA, Girl Bullying picked up in the 1990s.
Mary Pipher and The Ophelia Project “Mean Girls” movement
– Tina Fey– Rosalind Wiseman
Academic research and the popular media
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Tomorrow: Recognizing and Intervening in Girl Bullying
Meeting the needs of Bullies, Targets, and Girls in the Middle
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Girl Bullying: Helping mean girls make nice
Meeting the needs of Bullies, Targets, and Girls in the Middle
April C. Foreman, Ph.D.
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Archetypes from Childhood
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What the Stepsisters are Feeling
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Relational Bullying in our own Childhoods
What was yesterday like for you?
What surprising reactions did you have?
What insights did you have?
What do you need today?
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Queen Bees & Wannabes
Rosalind Wiseman, 2002 Basis of “Mean Girls” movie Most common taxonomy for classifying roles of
girl bullying My most recommended resource for *parents*
of girls facing problems related to relational aggression
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WARNING:
Withholding judgment is important Interventions are much less effective when we
judge the people we are trying to help. Perspective taking makes a difference Motivations and functions of roles
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Queen Bee
Other girls/peers do what she wants Her complaints about others are limited to how
“lame” they are Exclusive vs. inclusive Charming to adults…Eddie Haskell Won’t take responsibility when she hurts others
feelings
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Queen Bee, continued
If she feels she has been wronged she feels justified in taking revenge
Often appears the “nicest” Least likely to explicitly recognize her status If you move her to a new environment, she’ll
find new sidekicks and continue her behavior
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Queen Bee:Benefits and Costs
Power and control over her environment Attention and superficial admiration Relies on her role for sense of self May be at risk for less desirable psychological
outcomes Parents may value her role as “Queen Bee”
and may not intervene
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Sidekick
Lieutenant, Second-in-command Power comes from Queen Bee Most similar to Queen Bee May execute bullying behaviors on behalf of
the Queen Bee More able to change behaviors if moved to a
new environment
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Sidekick:Benefits and Costs
Power over others, reflected status Safest from bullying by Queen Bee Feels popular and included May be disconnected from her own identity Highest risk of RA/SA contagion and
consequences
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Banker:
Collects gossip and uses it as relational currency
Strategic thinker Secretive Rarely the subject of conflict Seems to be friends with everyone…treated
like a pet
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Banker, continued
May be a physical “late bloomer” Sneaks under the radar because she appears
cute and harmless
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Banker:Benefits and Costs
Power and security Other girls do not trust her May appear “nice” but struggle with empathy
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Floater
Friends in different groups Passes easily from one group to another Doesn’t have one of the the “3 Ds” Nice, but not sophisticated; Pretty, but not
beautiful Avoids conflict May have skills to stand up to Queen Bee
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Floater
Inclusive vs. Exclusive Moderate social power
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Floater: Benefits and Costs
Better self-esteem Identity less tied to any single group Assertive and good negotiation skills Can be an asset in resolving bullying Not a reasonable role for girls who are truly
exceptional or who, by their very nature will stand out or be more competitive
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The Torn Bystander
“Girl in the Middle” Doesn’t like what the Queen Bee does, but
feels powerless to stop her Often in situations where she feels she must
choose between friends Very easily influence by the clique Tries to accommodate everyone
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The Torn Bystander, continued
Can’t say, “No.” “Goes along to get along”
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The Torn Bystander:Benefits and Costs
Avoids being a target of bullying Access to perks of popularity and status Not well respected by anyone Confused and insecure Sacrificed identity Reduces her threat to Queen Bee through
playing down her strengths and abilities
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Pleaser/Messenger/Wannabe
Similar to Sidekick and Torn Bystander, but without sense of security, or conflicting emotions
Identity comes from Queen Bee Desperately needs clique’s approval Always in the middle of the drama Does the other girls’ dirty work
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Pleaser/Messenger/Wannabe, con’t.
Loves gossip and prides herself on being “in the loop”
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Pleaser/Messenger/Wannabe:Benefits and Costs
Feels included Enjoys the energy of “the drama” Lacks authenticity Not well-respected by peers Poor boundaries and assertiveness skills Poor identity development
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Target
Often has one or more of the “3 Ds” Lack of social power or alliances Feels helpless Remember the list from yesterday?
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Target:Benefits and Costs
May have objectivity and more secure friendships
Sense of self outside of clique Doesn’t have as much to lose by standing up
to Queen Bee But may have other poor psychological
outcomes
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Social “Maps”
Clique maps
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Activity
Break into groups by pen color Develop a case study of “Girl Bullying” Draw on your own experiences or professional
dilemmas Remove or alter any identifying information
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Case Conceptualization
Trade case studies Systematic Case Conceptualization: A guide to
breaking down the components of girl bullying Helps us with objectivity, perspective taking,
and developing insight
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Intervention:“12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying”
Dellasega & Nixon, 2003 Education of kids, parents, teachers, helping
professionals Prevention
– Teach and model a culture of care and empathy– Teaching assertive conflict resolution skills– Teaching benign interpersonal attribution bias– Arranging a variety activities and opportunities for skill and
self-esteem development
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Intervention:“12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying”
– Some recommend encouraging girls to intervene in RA/SA when they see it. What do *you* think about this?
– The power of supervision: Redirection and distraction
– Helping girls identify their social power and using it to help and include less popular girls
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Intervention:“12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying”
Give girls the courage to be kind– Teaching girls to evaluate relationships– Developing a broad friendship network– Holding girls accountable for RA/SA– Encouraging girls to connect in ways that are kind
instead of cruel. Do girls need to use exclusion to be a cohesive group, e.g.?
– Build self-confidence and self-esteem– Teaching assertive skills to replace aggressive ones
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Intervention:“12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying”
Intervene with the first hurts– Respectful behavior contracts– Safe spaces and safe people to turn to– Help girls talk through RA when you observe it:
Who holds the power? Who makes the rules? How could the outcome be changed? What would help a bystander take a stand? Whose responsibility is it to change RA/bullying behaviors?
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Intervention:“12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying”
– Avoid demonizing aggressors. They need help, too. Help them resolve issues that motivate RA/SA.
Avoid the the blame game– Don’t try to take over and “solve the problem”– Adopt a “coaching” mentality– www.sharonday.com– Focus on the group, not the girl– Listen first, act later
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Intervention:“12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying”
– Attempt to maintain objectivity– Deal with your own baggage– Your number one job is to keep everyone safe
Enlist the help of others– When is professional help needed?
Changing the culture– Raising awareness and advocacy– Providing alternative ways of relating
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Intervention:“12 Strategies that will end Girl Bullying”
Help girls find other outlets and opportunities Soothe and support girls
– Validate instead of minimize hurts– Encourage sharing of wisdom and experience
Tool kits of options for coping Change the system: The personal is political
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Intervention:Techniques suggested by research
Overt rules about RA/SA In/out rule Teaching assertive responses to disruptive
children Sensitizing parents to RA/SA in marital conflict CBT with focus on decreasing hostile
attribution bias
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Intervention:Techniques suggested by research
Assertiveness skills training Shaping clique distaste for/values about RA/SA
– “Girls don’t like girls who…”
Reducing opportunities for boredom Improve girls’ comfort with competition Recognize and nurture girls who are good
“defenders”
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Intervention:Techniques suggested by research
Gossip interruption– 1st negative comment *must* be followed by
challenging comment for benefit
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Intervention:For Parents
Managerial practices– Choosing schools, activities, and social opportunites
Educational practices– Supervision, advice, consultation
Watch out for over-empathizing Can the parent hear that his/her child is a
bully/sidekick/wannabe/target?
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Intervention:For Parents
Should parents call the parents of others involved?
Queen Bees & Wannabees, pg. 135-150 is a good response guide for parents
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Intervention:For Schools
Whole school policies– “General statements” are not enough– Concrete statements about what is acceptable– Specific policies for faculty and students when
bullying is suspected– Focused programs for bullies and targets– Focus on positive goals rather than punishing
negative behaviors
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Intervention:For Schools
Curricular interventions: Anti-bullying curriculum
Targeting individual aggressors and victims Training teachers and staff in RA/SA
– Teachers intervene in only 1/6 of playground bullying and 1/5 of classroom bullying
– Research shows training significantly improves intervention ratios
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Intervention:For Schools
Structure playground time, lunch time, and other times when boredom may be contributing to instances to bullying
Workbooks
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Intervention:Tips for success
Don’t use words to describe the girls’ characters or personalities
Use words that concretely describe the behavior patterns
Active listening skills– Open-ended questions– Accept/validate her POV– Avoid problem-solving
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Intervention:Tips for success
– Offer options– Ask a girl, “What do *you* think you should do?”– Don’t tell her just to “ignore” it.
Does that really work?
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Activity
Develop interventions for your case study
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Wrapping up
Issues I didn’t address– Culture and SES influences on RA/SA– Lots and lots of Developmental Theory, Systems
Theory, and Feminist Theory– What else did I miss?
Q&A Email list for follow-up survey
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www.techibuddy.blogspot.com Contact me Access power point slides Consultation and training options for your staff I enjoyed working with you! Let’s do it again
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