Communicating AssertivelyCommunicating Assertively
Presenter: Adam SandelsonPresenter: Adam SandelsonTeaching & Learning CentreTeaching & Learning Centre
Why be assertiveWhy be assertive
BecauseBecause - its more than subject - its more than subject knowledge that makes you successful at knowledge that makes you successful at studying & fulfilling your career studying & fulfilling your career aspirationsaspirations
BecauseBecause - assertiveness is a - assertiveness is a communication style that can be useful in communication style that can be useful in job or academic interviews, job or academic interviews, presentations, public speaking etcpresentations, public speaking etc
BecauseBecause – assertiveness “energizers” – assertiveness “energizers” your communication with academics, your communication with academics, colleagues, friends, partners, family etc.colleagues, friends, partners, family etc.
Aims of this sessionAims of this sessionTo discuss To discuss assertivenessassertiveness in terms of; in terms of; What is & isn’t assertiveness, What is & isn’t assertiveness, What it will & will not doWhat it will & will not do How can someone be more How can someone be more
assertiveassertive What do you get from being an What do you get from being an
assertive communicatorassertive communicator
What What isn’tisn’t assertivenessassertivenessBeing SelfishBeing Selfish Here you are concerned only with your Here you are concerned only with your
rights & needs, with little regard for the rights & needs, with little regard for the rights & needs of othersrights & needs of others
Being AggressiveBeing Aggressive Here you are demanding, abrasive & Here you are demanding, abrasive &
hostile with others. You are insensitive to hostile with others. You are insensitive to other people’s feelings & their individual other people’s feelings & their individual rights.rights.
You succeed with sheer force, creating You succeed with sheer force, creating enemies & conflict along the wayenemies & conflict along the way
What What isn’tisn’t assertivenessassertivenessBeing Passive-aggressive Being Passive-aggressive You express anger & aggression in a covert You express anger & aggression in a covert
wayway You fail to do your share of the work & You fail to do your share of the work &
make unreasonable criticisms of authoritymake unreasonable criticisms of authorityCommon Traits areCommon Traits are procrastination, sulking or arguing when procrastination, sulking or arguing when
you are asked to do something, you are asked to do something, complaining without justification, complaining without justification, “forgetting” your obligations, believing you “forgetting” your obligations, believing you are better than others, you can’t stand are better than others, you can’t stand useful suggestions or constructive criticismuseful suggestions or constructive criticism
What What isn’tisn’t assertivenessassertiveness
Being ManipulativeBeing Manipulative You get others to feel sorry or guilty to You get others to feel sorry or guilty to
you get what you wantyou get what you want You play the role of victim or martyrYou play the role of victim or martyr It only works work when others do not It only works work when others do not
realise what you are doingrealise what you are doing Eventually its makes people feel Eventually its makes people feel
confused, “crazy,” angry & resentful confused, “crazy,” angry & resentful towards youtowards you
To summarise !To summarise !Assertiveness is notAssertiveness is not Being selfish, aggressive, passive-Being selfish, aggressive, passive-
aggressive or manipulativeaggressive or manipulativeEven though we do use these Even though we do use these “communicative tactics” at some point “communicative tactics” at some point in our lives to get what we wantin our lives to get what we want
- BUT –- BUT –Spending your life or time being a non- Spending your life or time being a non- assertive communicator will bring you assertive communicator will bring you much stress, dissatisfaction & much stress, dissatisfaction & disappointmentdisappointment
Assertiveness QuestionnaireAssertiveness Questionnaire
Take a look at the “Take a look at the “assertiveness assertiveness questionnairequestionnaire” handout. Read each ” handout. Read each situation and define each of your situation and define each of your responses as either responses as either aggressiveaggressive, , passivepassive or or assertiveassertive. Share your . Share your
answers!answers!
What What isis assertiveness assertiveness Direct, open & honest communication Direct, open & honest communication
with otherswith others Asking for what you want & saying “no” to Asking for what you want & saying “no” to
what you don’t want what you don’t want Not negating, attacking or manipulating Not negating, attacking or manipulating
othersothers Respecting the dignity of other peopleRespecting the dignity of other people Standing up for yourself & your rights Standing up for yourself & your rights
without apologising or feeling guiltywithout apologising or feeling guilty Taking responsibility for your own needsTaking responsibility for your own needs ““Energy”Energy”
To summarise !To summarise !Assertiveness is aboutAssertiveness is about Being clear about your needs & rights, Being clear about your needs & rights,
asking for what you want, saying no to asking for what you want, saying no to what you don’t wantwhat you don’t want
Using direct, open & honest Using direct, open & honest communication, taking responsibility, communication, taking responsibility, respecting others & not violating their respecting others & not violating their rightsrights
When you are assertiveWhen you are assertive Others will feel comfortable, know where Others will feel comfortable, know where
you stand & respect you for your honesty you stand & respect you for your honesty Your needs get met, you experience less Your needs get met, you experience less
stress & more satisfaction with life in stress & more satisfaction with life in generalgeneral
What Assertiveness will What Assertiveness will not donot do
GuaranteeGuarantee you happiness or fair you happiness or fair treatment by others treatment by others
Guarantee Guarantee that you will automatically that you will automatically get what you want in lifeget what you want in life
GuaranteeGuarantee that others will be assertive that others will be assertive & not aggressive towards you& not aggressive towards you
SolveSolve all your personal problems all your personal problems BUTBUT – – a lacka lack of assertiveness will be of assertiveness will be
one reason that your feelings or needs one reason that your feelings or needs are not acknowledged or met by othersare not acknowledged or met by others
How can I be more How can I be more AssertiveAssertive
First recognise that it is First recognise that it is culture specificculture specific Recognise that you & everyone else has Recognise that you & everyone else has
a right to your “a right to your “personal bill of rightspersonal bill of rights” ” – see handout– see handout
Truly believingTruly believing that you have a right to that you have a right to your needs & have a right to ask for your needs & have a right to ask for what you want what you want
Taking responsibilityTaking responsibility to protect your to protect your rightsrights in situations where they are in situations where they are infringed uponinfringed upon
Personal Bill of RightsPersonal Bill of Rights Is drawn from the idea that we all have Is drawn from the idea that we all have
basic human rights basic human rights Sometimes we do not realize these Sometimes we do not realize these
rights, because we were not taught rights, because we were not taught them as children them as children
Being more conscious & learning to Being more conscious & learning to exercise your rights is the exercise your rights is the gatewaygateway to to being more assertive being more assertive What do you think? Are any striking to What do you think? Are any striking to
you?you?
How can I be more AssertiveHow can I be more Assertive First be aware of your feelings, needs & First be aware of your feelings, needs &
wantswants Then sayThen say directly directly how you feel inside & how you feel inside &
what changes you would like to see happen what changes you would like to see happen Use Use “ I statements”“ I statements” to express yourself to express yourself
““.. I feel unhappy with your.. I feel unhappy with yoursuggestion & I would like you to listen tosuggestion & I would like you to listen to
mine..”mine..” Do not back offDo not back off or move away from or move away from
someone you are addressing (stand your someone you are addressing (stand your ground)ground)
How can I be more AssertiveHow can I be more Assertive Note that Note that 30%30% of our communication is of our communication is
verbal, while verbal, while 70%70% is non-verbal is non-verbal Develop Develop non-verbal non-verbal assertive assertive
behaviours. These are about your voice behaviours. These are about your voice tone, gestures, eye contact, facial tone, gestures, eye contact, facial expression & posture (“social expression & posture (“social signalling”)signalling”)
Non-verbal behaviours definitely Non-verbal behaviours definitely influence your impact on othersinfluence your impact on others
For example; For example; look directlylook directly at another at another person when addressing themperson when addressing them
How can I be more AssertiveHow can I be more Assertive Maintain an Maintain an open postureopen posture – if sitting – if sitting
down don’t cross your legs/arms - if down don’t cross your legs/arms - if standing up do so erectly & on both feetstanding up do so erectly & on both feet
Stay calmStay calm - avoid getting overly - avoid getting overly emotional or excitedemotional or excited
Practice being assertive through writing, Practice being assertive through writing, role-play & real life situationsrole-play & real life situations
Don’t assume others just know how you Don’t assume others just know how you feel, what you need or want. Make these feel, what you need or want. Make these knownknown
Other people are not mind readersOther people are not mind readers
How can I be more How can I be more AssertiveAssertive
Learn to also say Learn to also say “ “ nono ” ” Saying “no” Saying “no” sets limitssets limits on other people’s on other people’s
demands for your time, especially when it demands for your time, especially when it conflicts with your own needs conflicts with your own needs
You can You can acknowledgeacknowledge the other person’s the other person’s request by repeating it back, request by repeating it back, explainexplain your your reason for declining & then say reason for declining & then say “no”“no”
If appropriate suggest an If appropriate suggest an alternative alternative proposalproposal where both your needs will be where both your needs will be metmet
How can I be more AssertiveHow can I be more AssertiveAn example of how to say “ no ” An example of how to say “ no ”
““....I understand that you would like to get I understand that you would like to get together tonighttogether tonight
[[acknowledgementacknowledgement]. ]. It turns out that It turns out that I had a really long day & feel I had a really long day & feel
exhaustedexhausted [ [explanationexplanation], ], so I will so I will pass on tonightpass on tonight [ [saying nosaying no]. ]. Perhaps Perhaps there is another night later this week there is another night later this week when we can get together – what do when we can get together – what do you thinkyou think?..” [?..” [alternative optionalternative option].].
What do I get from being more What do I get from being more assertiveassertive
It enables you to It enables you to obtain moreobtain more of what of what you need & want in lifeyou need & want in life
It helps It helps minimiseminimise stress, frustration & stress, frustration & resentment in your relationships & resentment in your relationships & interactions with othersinteractions with others
It helps you take It helps you take more risksmore risks & ask & ask more more of lifeof life in general in general
It adds to your sense of It adds to your sense of autonomy, autonomy, freedomfreedom & & self confidenceself confidence
You definitely You definitely gain respectgain respect from others from others for being direct, open & honestfor being direct, open & honest
Coming to the end….Coming to the end….Assertiveness is really aboutAssertiveness is really about KnowingKnowing what isn’t & what is assertive what isn’t & what is assertive
communication, and what it will & will not communication, and what it will & will not dodo
CeasingCeasing opportunities opportunities to be more to be more assertive assertive
Recognising theRecognising the value value in being assertive in being assertive Increasing the prospect of your rights, Increasing the prospect of your rights,
feelings, needs & wants being metfeelings, needs & wants being metIn all …. In all …. Assertiveness contributes to your academic Assertiveness contributes to your academic
success, and it helps fulfil your career & life success, and it helps fulfil your career & life ambitionsambitions
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