A Mother’s Grief

• “Seven weeks feel like seven days and seven years, all at the same time.”

• “And then there is anger…”

• “Getting through each day is all there is.”

• “I don’t believe people understand what really being alone is until they experience grief.”

• “The first stage is denial. It takes a while to accept that it is real.”

By Diana Mihalakis in Surviving the Folded Flag, by Deborah Tainsh (2010), p. 8 – 10.

“Once you have passed through anger, you can then deal with guilt.”“The next stage of grieving is hurting and missing.”

“This has been the most treacherous and scary period of my life.”

“Today, two-and-a-half years after the death of my youngest child and only son, I have found acceptance.”

By Diana Mihalakis in Surviving the Folded Flag, by Deborah Tainsh (2010), p. 8 – 10.

Resources of Bereaved Military Parents

• American Gold Star Mothers’ Association www.goldstarmoms.com

• Gold Star Fathers www.goldstarfathers.com

• Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors: www.taps.org

• Marine Parents www.marinemomsonline.net

• Legacy.com www.legacy.com

• The Compassionate Friends www.compassionatefriends.org

Resources for Bereaved Military Family Members

• Stephens’ Touch www.stephenstouch.org

• American Soldier Foundation www.soldierfoundation.org

• Operation Proud Hearts. www.proudhearts.org

• Grief i-Phone application http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/grief-support/id353412072?mt=8#

• Military Family Grief-Loss Packet www.sohelpmegodstore.com 

• provides comfort and care to families of deceased military members

• has assisted 35,000 surviving military family members and casualty officers since 1994

• provides comprehensive services and programs, such as peer based emotional support, grief and trauma resources, case work assistance, and connections to community-based care.

TAPS – Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors

TAPS helps survivors connect with others through:• Peer Support• Community Resources• Online Community Support• Events (e.g., Survivors Seminars, Good Grief Camps for children)• By Phone

TAPS offers special programs for:• Widow, Widower, Significant Other Suicide Survivor• Surviving Parent Extended Family• Surviving Sibling Friend or Battle Buddy• Surviving Adult Child Caregiver for a Grieving

Child

TAPS – Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors

TAPS offer help through:• 24/7/ TAPS Resource Help Line• Benefits and Assistance• Grief Counseling• Care and Support Groups

TAPS offers the following resources:• TAPS Magazine• Survivor Resource Kit• Grief Publications• Gifts for Families of the Fallen• Links to Helpful Organizations

TAPS – Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors

Advice for Grieving Military Parents from Gold Star Parents

• Grieve in your own way and at your own pace.• Wait at least a year to make big decisions.• Stay connected to the people around you.• Give others permission to talk about your child.• Allow yourself to enjoy hobbies and activities.• Let others help.• Comfort your other children.• Consider creating a legacy for your child.• Set your own rules about talking with the media.• Consider becoming a member of a support group.

From Surviving the Folded Flag by Deborah Tainsh, (2010) p 179- 181.

Advice for Friends and Comrades from Gold Star Parents

• Reach out to the family.

• Respect differences in grieving.

• Listen.

• Share stories.

From Surviving the Folded Flag by Deborah Tainsh (2010), p. 182-183.

A SOLDIER’S GRIEF: Ways Loss of Buddies Can Create Trouble for Warfighters

• They are bothered by their memories of combat experiences.

• They feel guilty that they failed their buddies if they were seriously injured or killed.

• They are grieving the loss of their buddies.

• They feel responsible and guilty that they survived when their buddy did not.

• They numb out and detach to keep from expressing their emotions.

• Their friends and loved ones tell them that they have changed.

EOD Marine Remembered for Heart, Selflessness, and Courage

Comments from a U.S. Army Sergeant following the Loss of Several Buddies

“I don’t remember feeling any emotion at the time, probably due to the adrenaline. As the commander gave the briefing, every soldier cried. I can still see the stunned looks of loss, tragedy, and total disbelief on everyone’s face. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more grounded or mortal than at that very moment. We created a circle, held hands, and prayed out loud for the souls and families of those we had just lost.” Comments by Chris Kruppa, U. S. Army sergeant, from Surviving the Folded Flag, by Deboran Taish (2010), p.176.

Comments from a U.S. Army Sergeant following the Loss of Several Buddies

“Again, the events simply didn’t seem real. How were we going to deal with losing two more of our guys? Once again I secluded myself in silent prayer as we again, several days later, held a memorial service…Again, we all stood in line to salute the boots, rifle, helmet and dog tags.”

Comments by Chris Kruppa, U. S. Army sergeant, from Surviving the Folded Flag, by Deboran Taish (2010), p.176.

Second Radio Battalion Honors Fallen Marine

Comments from a U.S. Army Sergeant following the Loss of Several Buddies

“For the first year after returning from Iraq, I averaged two hours of sleep each night. I wasn’t having flashbacks or nightmares, all I kept thinking about was the guys we didn’t bring home alive. I felt guilty. Not because of anything I did or didn’t do, but because I wasn’t killed instead of them. I think deep down I never thought I’d make it home alive and I was mentally and emotionally prepared for that. I wasn’t able to deal with my return home since my buddies hadn’t returned with us. I believe the lack of closure and survivor’s guilt has contributed heavily to my personal grief and unrest.”Comments by Chris Kruppa, U. S. Army sergeant, from Surviving the Folded Flag, by Deboran Taish (2010), p.177.

Guide for therapists using At Ease, Soldier! with service members

Workbook for service members to assist in post-deployment adjustment

Five Aspects of a Military Widow’s Life that Affect Her Response to Her Husband’s Death

• her age

• her previous experience with death

• children

• her duty station

• deployments

Resources for Bereaved Military Spouses

• F.I.NE. (Females in Need of Empowerment) http://fineyoungwidows.com

• American Widow Project www.americanwidowproject.org

• Gold Star Wives of America www.goldstarwives.org

• Got Your Back Network www.gotyourbacknetwork.org

• Society of Military Widows www.militarywidows.org 

How to Help Military Children Grieve Their Loss

• Children are only going to hear the first sentence and the language must be age-appropriate, using terms that they understand.

• At the same time a parent is giving information and talking about the death of the loved one, they must also give assurance.

• No matter what kind of language you use with the child, don’t

say to the child, “Do you understand me?” because a child will nod yes. Ask the child to repeat what you said so that you can determine if the child understood what you said.

How to Help Military Children Grieve Their Loss

• Help children talk about their feelings. You might sit down and draw with the child. You could draw a picture of what it looks like to be sad or scared and ask the child to draw a picture, too. This can help both of you to let out some of your feelings.

• Giving the child some control and letting her know that she can do something about it helps a child manage her feelings. You can ask the child, “What is it that helps you to feel better about something?” Children can always come up with things that make them feel better. It may be something as simple as a hug or holding onto a stuffed animal. It might be sleeping with a light on. You could suggest that they wrap the feelings up in a big blanket so it can’t bother them. Or perhaps they could stuff the sadness into a pillow case and put it somewhere and forget about it for a while.

How to Help Military Children Grieve Their Loss

The importance of routine and rituals:• Keep family routines in place. Children like

predictability, so keeping routines like nap time and chores helps them feel more in control.

• Create a special time and place to spend together.

• Check out the resources provided on the handout.

Resources for Bereaved Military Children

• When Families Grieve www.sesameworkshop.org/grief• Good Grief Camps (TAPS) www.taps.org• Operation Hug-a-Hero (aka Daddy Dolls).

www.operationhugahero.org• A Soldier’s Child Birthday www.solderschild.org• Rainbows www.rainbows.org• Snowball Express. http://www.snowballexpress.org• Zero to Three http://www.zerotothree.org• The National Children Traumatic Stress Network.

www.NCTSN.org• Special Ops Survivors http://specialopssurvivors.org• Moyer Foundation http://www.moyerfoundation.org/programs/

camperin.aspx • Operation We Are Here http://www.operationwearehere.com/  

Seven Ways Americans Can Help the Families of Fallen Warriors

• Learn about military loss. • Choose your words of condolence carefully.• Acknowledge the family’s sacrifice.• Ask about their loved one.• Be patient with the family.• Be a good friend, neighbor, or co-worker• Give the surviving military family a break

from their grief.

Four Important Messages from Gold Star Parents• We do not want our children’s sacrifice to ever be forgotten.

• We need our military leaders and civilians to understand the pain parents endure in the face of the service and sacrifices made by our military children.

• We need to know that our loved one’s military family won’t shut us out.

• We need to hear each other’s stories, to know we are not alone in the madness and crushing weight of loss, grief, and debate that surrounds war.

From Surviving the Folded Flag by Deboral Tainsh (1210), p. 6

Thank You