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The global fashion magazine September 15, 2011

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A career watershed?Women have come a long way, baby. However, even the strongest of us may still need to work

on keeping our emotions in check. Here’s how and why, writes Elyse Glickman WHEN A WOMAN CRIES in public, even againsther best intentions to remain cool under pressure, itunleashes negative stereotypes—even in 2011.However, when powerful men such as House SpeakerJohn Boehner, Glenn Beck and championship-winning athletes unleash the waterworks, it makesnews. In fact, these incidents, plus well publicizedresearch conducted by Kim Elsbach, a professor ofmanagement at the University of California–Davispublished in Forbes last February has tapped into, well,a wellspring of interest on the subject of crying.While prominent women like Hillary Clinton andNancy Pelosi often get criticized for their‘unfeminine’ emotional restraint, crying on the job isjust shy of being a career killer in many professionalsettings. As a generation of women ascends the successladder, one part of the price involves our goingagainst our natural tendency to show emotion evenwhen things are at their worst. However, nature oftengets the best of many of us. Kelly Cutrone is one of America’s most visibleexamples of strength under pressure. On the heels ofbuilding People’s Revolution, one of the mostinfluential lifestyle public relations firms in thecountry (whose alumni include Philadelphia-bredEileen Colavita and her respected Hollywood PRagency, Spin Shoppe, as well as bi-coastal US fashion& beauty firm Kravetz PR, among many others),Cutrone—through a decidedly non-sugar-coatedapproach has become a role model for womeninterested in making it in PR and other cut-throatglamour professions. Her mindset has been channelled into New YorkTimes best seller If You Have to Cry, Go Outside—andOther Things Your Mother Never Told You (paperback,US$8·57 at Amazon.com). One of her sure-fireremedies for preventing on-the-job outburstsrevolves building your strength from the inside out,with chapters on ‘finding your tribe’ (‘like-mindedsouls who make your heart sing’), transforming asetback into a creative or financial breakthrough,accepting that there is no such thing as perfection,creating a personal brand, and how you have to ‘fakeit to make it’ sometimes. ‘Though other topics [about succeeding inbusiness] are covered in the book, I realized I made a

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very big statement about how I feel about crying atwork with the title of my book,’ Cutrone admits.‘Even if you have sensitivities and somebody orsomething has pushed your buttons, the office andthe public space is not the place to let it all hang outand be over-emotional. If you think about it, [thebacklash from] crying adds to the burden of thesituation you are already facing. Ultimately, thesolution is simple—take it outside—not the cubicleor any other public space.’ Cutrone will also admit she had her moments ofemotion, though she treats those mistakes as teachingtools for herself and her own employees, intended tomake all involved stronger and less inclined to do itagain. Looking back over her own career, sheacknowledges some of her own non-professionalresponses to things early on, or witnessed herco-workers making their own emotional lapses ofjudgement. ‘After a while, we cannot go on feeling sorry forourselves or crying, or venting about how we areunder-appreciated or abused,’ asserts Cutrone. ‘We allhave to accept at some point that the worlds ofbusiness and entrepreneurship are not always goingto be politically correct. The focus has to be thewell-being of your business. There is also the fact thateverybody you work with—even the nicestpeople—are in it for themselves. If you have fiveco-workers, and you let your guard down beforepromotion time, chances are (somebody) will use thatas a weakness against you. From the boss’sstandpoint, if you have five employees who are allperforming well and reaching those results, guesswhat comes into play next? Manners, dress code andprofessionalism. If you show too much emotion inany direction, it is overload for a manager makingthose decisions.’ Cutrone likens most corporate environments to thetelevision show Survivor, with different alliancesplaying against each other. ‘One misstep and it could cost you clients,thousands or hundreds of thousands of dollars, andultimately your job,’ she continues. ‘You don’t seeguys crying on the field in the Super Bowl whenconcentration and being on top of one’s gamematters, only tears of gratitude when they have takenthe trophy. Corporations really are like families. If youare in a managerial or leadership role, your peoplelook to you to set the tone and standards foreverything the office does collectively. You want yourstaff to feel empowered in terms of what they canaccomplish on their own and as a team.’ Ellen Pober Rittberg, parenting expert, attorneyand author of 35 Things Your Teen Won’t Tell You, So IWill, had been put through her paces on the job, andhas much to say on the subject. ‘The times they area-changing, but nevertheless sometimes some womenneed a little help in this area to train themselves notto cry,’ Pober Rittberg points out, through two“watershed” experiences in her earlier life. ‘When I worked for [one] newspaper, I wasinformed when I started by a co-worker that onewoman editor prided herself on making each andevery female employee cry. I observed she blindsidethe unwitting woman with an unfair and extremestatement. I resolved not to allow her to make me cry,and she didn’t. However, she said something sohorrible, that I fast realized that lady’s room servedanother purpose. When I was a new attorney 20 yearsago, I burst out silently crying when a custodialgrandmother said something so extreme, it shockedme. Fortunately, the only people in the room were the

Kelly Cutrone and her book, If You Have to Cry, GoOutside.

Ellen Pober Rittberg’s 35 Things Your Teen Won’t TellYou, So I Will.

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judge and court officers. From that time forward, Iresolved not to ever allow myself to cry in public atwork.’ Though Pober Rittberg works many cases thatstrike the heart and soul deeply, she insists keepingemotions in check in the workplace is the only wayone can hold on to her dignity, self-respect and therespect of others. Elsbach’s three-year study about crying in theworkplace reinforces Pober Rittberg’s advice.According to her research, women are much morelikely to cry at work because of the way they aresocialized as girls—in contrast to the way boys areconditioned not to cry. Unfortunately, the nature andnurture that shape women, even with strong femalerole models, sends them to the adult career playingfield with a clear disadvantage. One slip (especially ina public meeting or during an office’s most stressfulwork season), and your tears will be rewarded withdisdain and harsh consequences. Anne Kreamer, meanwhile, sheds more insight onthe subject in her book, It’s Always Personal: Emotion inthe New Workplace (US$15·51 at Amazon.com). Itdocuments that 41 per cent of women surveyed saidthey have cried at work, compared with just 9 percent of men. All of those same women expressedthey wish they hadn’t. Additionally, because womenare often embarrassed when the tears come, they arealso the most critical of workplace weeping by otherwomen. New York-based executive recruiter Patricia H.Lenkov also acknowledges that the way youngwomen are raised puts them at a disadvantage.However, she believes the way to triumph over thenature and nurture is to understand the unwrittenrules of business conduct. While they don’t have toshut out their emotions, there are appropriate timesand places to express them. ‘While it is healthy to cry at home or go to the gymand get it all out, the expectation is that when youstep through the door into the workplace, you arethere to be a professional and keep it together,’ saysLenkov. ‘When you cry at work, you make peopleuncomfortable and their perception of your being aleader and making good judgements is compromised.You cross a barrier that should not be crossedbecause people cannot deal with it from the otherside. They are not trained to comfort you, as handlingother people’s crying is not part of most jobdescriptions.’ Lenkov also points out, as do many books on thesubject that there are all sorts of anti-stresstechniques that we can use to put our best faceforward at work—the one without the tears. Theseinclude such common sense measures as taking ashort walk, closing the office door for a moment ofprivacy and asking the person on the other end of aconflict if the topic can be discussed at a later time.However, coaching or counselling is emerging as oneof the best, most customizable options. ‘The field of counselling has exploded in the lastfive years or so, and you have to be careful and shoparound for the right coach,’ notes Lenkov. However,there are professionals with advanced credentials andPh.D.s who are expert in developing personallyspecific strategies to cope with stresses unique toone’s job and workplace. It is a great option thatwasn’t around 20 or even 10 years ago. We can alwaysuse better tools for our workplace “toolkits” to adaptto new pressures as they arise.’ While Sharon Melnick, Ph.D., a national expert onsuccess under stress in the workplace, acknowledges

Anne Kreamer’s It’s Always Personal.

Executive recruiter, Patricia H. Lenkov

New York-based executive recruiterPatricia H. Lenkov alsoacknowledges that the way youngwomen are raised puts them at adisadvantage. However, she believesthe way to triumph over the natureand nurture is to understand theunwritten rules of business conduct.While they don’t have to shut outtheir emotions, there are appropriatetimes and places to express them


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the importance of retraining ourselves to be our bestat work, she points out the physiological reality that awomen's tendency to cry is an adaptive response thather body is set up to do in order to process emotionsand move past them. Men, meanwhile, have a lowlevel of the hormone that sets women up to have thatresponse, which is why some experts say women are‘buffered’ from stress. Even with our bodies calling the shots, Melnickadds any person who wants to be a leader must beable think clearly and decisively in situations and nottake things personally. Advises Melnick, ‘Two key skills [are] maintainingobjectivity and not reading into situations for theirpersonal meaning. Furthermore, both men andwomen can benefit from a three-part breathingexercise that balances the nervous system and makesbusinesspeople less reactive and more steady in theface of stress. Here, you breathe in through yournose, hold, and exhale all for equal counts. Doing thisensures you have the focus to work at your highestcapacity when you have a high volume of work, whilerefuelling your energy, accessing your creativethinking and intuition, and maintaining poise.’ •

Elyse Glickman is US west coast editor of Lucire.

Dr Sharon Melnick, workplace stress expert

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