From simple tolerance to true understanding – resolving differences
through acceptance and respect
Paul Sills Barrister & Mediator More Light Less Heat
“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”
- Jiddu Krishnamurti
“You cannot solve a problem from the same level of thinking that created it.”
- Albert Einstein
“Strength lies in differences, not in similarities.”
- Stephen Covey
Introduction
• Diversity is a paradox
• It does not exist but its existence is essential to our growth
• Diversity makes it difficult for us to collaborate
• Mere tolerance cannot be the benchmark for human interaction
• Acceptance means true understanding of our individual differences and the benefits of those differences
Unity behind all diversity
• Diversity does not exist at the level of our essence
• Spirituality
• Quantum physics
• Hierarchy of needs
• Unity in diversity = “unity without uniformity and diversity without fragmentation”
Where does our diversity of expression come from?
• Knowing-doing gap • Paradigms and habits • Conditioning • Jesuits • Western thinking • Our reaction to being confronted with diversity is
subjective, emotive and ego-based
What happens when we judge people?
• Demonisation
• Tribalism
• Dehumanisation
• Moralism
• Call to battle
What makes us appear different is difficult to challenge
• Political correctness • Cannot challenge subjective views, values or identity
issues head on • What creates disputes? • Emotional responses are unconscious, unthinking and
conditioned • Disputes are about human relations and human
interaction
Celebration of diversity
• Diverse experience – unique experiences and perceptions • Learning and growth – being exposed to new ideas, cultures and
perspectives can help individuals to reach out intellectually • Stimulation of local economic growth • Culturally vibrant communities • Improving access to jobs • Humanism • Creativity • Innovation and adaptation • John Stuart Mill
Current dispute resolution practice
• What is the current paradigm for dispute resolution?
• The adversarial model applied to mediation
• Issues with the traditional mediation approach
• Lawyers have hijacked the mediation process
Argument as war metaphor • What do you really win when you win an argument? • Argument as war metaphor • The metaphor has a deforming effect on our arguments • Elevating tactics over substance • Magnifying differences – making it us versus them • The only foreseeable outcome being victory or defeat The model prevents the participants actively discussing, deliberating, negotiating, collaborating or compromising.
Why the traditional model does not work
• Mediating legal and interest – based disputes has an inherent logic • The parties know or can determine what they want (their interest) • They are keen to see what can be worked out with the other parties • Despite the huffing, puffing and bluffing the parties can work out
whether there is a ZOPA • The mediator can count on the parties and advisors to clarify
interests and explore mutually beneficial trades • Can this same logic apply to disputes involving values, beliefs and
identities?
Traditional Resolution Model
1 = Points the parties would agree on – but not explored. 2 = In the traditional litigation/mediation model the points of
disagreement become the focus of the parties and their advisors. This dictates a negative relationship.
2 1 1
Some thoughts on negotiating with diversity
• Change how we listen – from autobiographical to empathetic
• Change how we think and move away from the western model
• Change the way we argue and zoom out
Conscious Resolution Model
1 = Points of agreement and discussion – the focus of the resolution
process. 2 = The points of disagreement are examined in a non-judgmental,
empathetic, non-autobiographical way once the ground in #1 is established.
2 2 1
A strategy for mediating disputes involving diversity
• Focus on the culture or the individual? • Reduce stress and take your time • Avoid stereotypes • Observe do not judge • Remember that differences can create value • Adopt an outsider lens
Process for dealing with diversity
• Negotiation through acceptance and respect • Separate interests from values • Deal with the interests first • Facilitate dialogue and build relationships without
promising to resolve anything • Appeal to over-arching, shared values • Confront core value differences directly
A utilitarian solution • Choose the solution that maximises happiness and
reduces the suffering in society at large • Question your moral instincts • Avoid appeals to rights and duties • Focus on the facts • Beware of biased fairness • Use a common currency • Make small sacrifices
Final word “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense.”
- Rumi - 13th century
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
- Wayne Dyer
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