You Want to Marry MY DAUGHTER?

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SO You Want to Marry MY DAUGHTER? A handbook for brave men

Transcript of You Want to Marry MY DAUGHTER?

SOYou Want to MarryMY DAUGHTER?

A handbook for brave men

Society has been plagued with social ills for centuries not because of changes in lifestyle but due to the absence of ‘real (GODLY)’ men’ leading homes, communities and nations. Wayne’s book stands as a beacon for the current and future generations of men of guidance in their roles as God’s chosen curators of His family. I cannot think of a greater assurance than my daughter and my community being led by a man who has his eyes set on the right principles found in this book. Arthur C. Evans Multiple award winning entrepreneur, television producer and presenter, media influencer, husband and father.

I can’t think of anyone whose perspective I would like to hear more than Wayne on being a father to my daughters and expectations of future sons-in-law. The pages of this book are filled with his first-hand wisdom and insight forged through years of pressing his face into the storm and holding fast. Wayne brings his certainty that everything is connected and his constant active thinking into real everyday life in a meaningful way. Ian Conolly Father to future sons-in-law, Leadership and Culture consultant

Young men today enter married unprepared resulting in much brokenness and pain, Wayne has written a book that will empower a generation of young men to walk into marriage with the right perspective, vision and tools that will result in a healthy marriages. Kumbukani Phiri National Director of Equip Zimbabwe, founder of transformation Africa and an Overseer in Faith Ministries.

In easy flowing words, a lot of golden nuggets are laid bare for you to capture within your heart and life. I commend this manual to you — read it, enjoy it. Encapsulate its principles and you will be a man head and shoulders above the rest. Rob Mackenzie MBE FRGS Author of David Livingston. The Truth Behind the Legend.

In an age when traditional Judeo-Christian world-views of gender roles are under assault, amid the confusion comes a clarion call of what it means to be a Father. Wayne has brilliantly reminded us of what may be our most important and influential role as men. Bob Scott CEO, Joseph Company Global and author

Wayne, thank you for penning your thoughts. This book will serve to equip men - fathers and prospective husbands in particular - as we think through these and other pertinent matters that go towards building strong marriages, families, churches, communities and nations. On all these levels the biblical Kingdom mandate of manifesting Christ in the Earth demands a deliberate transmission of our faith and values from one generation to the next. Thank you for helping to start some great conversations. Elliot M. Mandaza Pastor, Jabula New Life Covenant Church (BYO)

…Something fresh and relevant, portraying what love really is. A must-have, timely resource and gift from God to this generation through Wayne, which I believe will impact families globally for eternity. I cannot wait to dive into it with my own son and joyfully share it. Sheunesu Masuka Regional Director, Youth for Christ International/Africa Southern Africa

Courage, conviction and grit is the foundation of a man. A man forms a family, a family forms a community; a community forms a nation. The positive results of godly manhood will reverberate down the generations to come. This is a timely and practical book and a formative document for the generations to come. Invest in your own manliness. Wayne has been a cornerstone friend and definitely speaks with relational integrity in this book. Chris Zeelie.   Friend of God, devoted husband, and fanatical father. Visionary pastor of Foresight Church, New Covenant Ministries International and Director of ‘Absolute Men’.

SO YOU WANT TO MARRY

MY DAUGHTER?

— Handbook for brave men —

WAYNE NEL

So You Want To Marry My Daughter

Handbook for brave men

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Published by

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation.

Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188.

All rights reserved.

Cover illustration: Uliana Mozgaleva Song lyrics used with permission

10-Digit ISBN: Copyright © 2020 Wayne Nel

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information

storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

First published in Zimbabwe 2020

For additional books or bulk orders, visit our website.

Dedicated to my daughters, Gabrielle, Billie and Phoebe.

You are unique, capable, beautiful women who are all my favourite!

You are the reason I write.

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TO MY FUTURE SON

As your father I look forward to this journey watching you and my precious daughter grow together in the wisdom and grace of our Heavenly Father.

I pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you

with inner strength through his Spirit.

Then Christ will make His home in your heart as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is.

May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness

of life and power that comes from God. 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 

Glory to Him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

Prayer from Ephesians 3:14-21

This book is for you. Welcome to the family.

FOREWORD

It is a humbling privilege for me to write this foreword, not only because Wayne has been my friend, mentor, pastor and marriage counsellor, but also because I believe deeply that

every man needs to read this book as a man-to-man conversation between a father and son. This is much-needed because I believe that our current culture seems to not be adequately addressing the issue of God’s plan for men. For years, I have had the privilege of having numerous father-to-son conversations with Wayne and this book is true to his teachings, beliefs, experiences and God’s heart.

Wayne is a breath of fresh air in this current world that we live in. His faith is one that always asks questions of my own pushing me to get better. His life always seems a well-polished mirror to check ourselves against and his words run parallel to his actions and way of living. He always leaves me wanting more of Jesus. Spending time with him first of all reminds you of the soft whisper of God, but you hear loud and clear his love and devotion to our king. Go to his home, meet his family and you clearly discover that he walks the talk. His sermons, teachings and even this book are really him narrating all the lessons God is teaching him and how He is living out his Faith. He takes God at His word and adds no filter to it. What you read is what he believes, what he lives, what he does and now what he teaches.   To modern people this book will both challenge you, convict

you and if your heart is open - change you. Reading this book kind of feels like reading a manual that should come tied to every male that is born. It’s a love letter to men, setting them up for life’s biggest decision. It highlights the author’s long held belief that

success in all relationships can only come with success in our relationship with the Father. For all who want ‘a man after God’s heart’; carve out a space in your life, time and open your hearts.  This book takes us on a journey of a 360 degree relook at our

thinking of what a man should be. It is brutally honest without leaving you feeling condemned but convicted. It leads all single men to get their spiritual houses in order before inviting a partner in while for the married men, It is asking us to not seek to live in an unhealthy attempt at balance but to always have a healthy tension between being the Gardener (provider), Warrior (protector), Prince (lover), Priest (guide) and King (leader) as we serve as husbands and fathers. I myself, as a husband and a father of two beautiful children, need to constantly examine my life and my faith to be able to set the right foundation for my future generations.   This book helps us develop healthy relational and spiritual

habits. The style of writing, the imagery, and insights are exactly what every man needs at this time in the world. Wayne, when referring to the book, asks us to “Think of it as my investment into your life as you choose to lose your life and gain everything! Let the journey begin…” What better way to strengthen sons than the word and experience of a Father especially one seeking to protect his daughters.   

Nkosikhona Sampindi Husband to Montana, Father to Kaitlyn and Noah Senior Regional Director Young Life Africa South

PREFACE

The other day my daughter came to me quite concerned about her future. At seventeen she was on the cusp of completing her high school education and dreaming about

the next phase of her life, which may or may not include marriage. Her concern was that the man she may one day marry might not have had the same values and upbringing that she had enjoyed. I was startled at her concerns and yet immensely proud at her thinking process. She realised that she had inherited something beautiful, good, valuable, and that she was neither ready nor willing to surrender it.

What was this inheritance? It was the value of a deep and real faith, hope and love rooted in relationship with the God of all creation, received by grace through faith in Jesus Christ who proclaimed that reconciliation to the Father (and, as a result, to others) was only possible through Him. This relationship had transformed her very being and was reflected in all aspects of her character, attitudes, actions and life choices, including that of marriage.

As a married father of three daughters, I have deliberately raised them to know and follow God wherever and however they choose to live. Contrary to popular thinking in this post-truth society, I believe that as a clear-thinking, level-headed father who has chosen a life of surrender to love (as revealed through Jesus), it is my responsibility to equip and release my daughters into the world secure in my love, and clear on their identities and destinies. I know that every father’s effect on his children—for good or evil—has lasting impact.

Children raised by such loving fathers will be confident children knowing who they are and where they are going. They will experience great success, usually becoming natural leaders. This is the kind of woman I unapologetically raised.

Returning to my daughter’s concern. Given how the world is going, it is increasingly unlikely that my daughter will commit to a man with a similar upbringing. It is in response to this question that I write this book which started as a simple letter to my future son. My hope is that many lives and marriages may be encouraged, guided, perhaps even transformed by its stories and principles.

Generally guys struggle to articulate their thoughts and even fewer keep a journal. Journaling is a learned skill that keeps you focused of your mission. I have incorporated blank pages so that you can write down your thoughts as you grapple with the text. There will be questions and exercises to help you with the various tasks that you will encounter along the journey. Don’t be afraid to write in the book. Underline and highlight portions of it as you feel it relates to you. This is not a textbook; it’s your personalised field guide, and it should include your own story.

Finally it is important to state that whilst this book is intended for universal application I have chosen to present it from the principles and perspectives rooted in the Bible. Reasons for this is two-fold. My experiences are unique and whilst may be helpful, they remain subjective. Presenting relationships through the lens of scripture helps us to view these ancient principles more objectively. Second, by choosing a life partner in ‘marriage’ automatically assumes the position of a union ordained by God and so it would make sense to help us understand these marriage objectives through its original intent.

If you do not identify yourself as a Christ-follower or even a particularly spiritual person, then I hope that you will not put this book down. Irrespective of your personal beliefs you still have much to learn as the principles of healthy relationships truly are universal. We all desire to be loved, belong and be brave.

Christianity is the world’s great love religion. The Christian God comes to us as love, in love, for love. The Christian God woos us with love

and works our transformation through love.

In spite of the trivializing influence of romantic and sentimental views of love in Western culture, love is the strongest force in the universe. Gravity may hold planets in orbit and nuclear force may hold the atom together, but only love has

the power to transform persons.

Only love can soften a hard heart. Only love can renew trust after it has been shattered. Only love can inspire acts of genuine self-sacrifice.

Only love can free us from the tyrannising effects of fear.

There is nothing more important in life than learning to love.

David G. Benner. Surrender to Love, Discovering the Heart of Christian Spirituality.

CONTENTS

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Foreword

Preface

If 3

Dear Future Son 5

Part 1: The Single Man 7

Part 2: The Married Man 29

The Gardener - patient cultivator 31

The Warrior - courageous protector 59

The Prince - faithful lover 73

The Priest - prophetic guide 129

The King - visionary leader 163

Part 3: Messing Up 209

Part 4: Man of Influence 223

Guest contributions

Afterword 243

Acknowledgments 245

Appendices and References 247

So you want to marry my daughter?

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IF

If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream — and not make dreams your master; If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken, And stoop and build ‘em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the will which says to them: “Hold on”;

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If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings — nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run — Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And — which is more — you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling, 1865 - 1936

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DEAR FUTURE SON

Life is a wonderful journey, a gift filled with amazing people and incredible stories all designed to draw us to the heart of the Father. God connects us together in ways we would

never have considered, placing us in families for His glory. My wife and I started life in very different circumstances and

yet by God’s grace, we found one another and have grown in love and understanding. Through our union we have been blessed to introduce three beautiful girls into the world.

These girls, one of which has captured your heart, have been entrusted to us by the Father to lead, love and nurture into the women He has called them to be. They are not ours; they belong to God. Although they carry His image, they each bear our name. Each daughter is our responsibility to raise and fall under our authority until such time we give her away in marriage. At that moment she will become yours.

I have learnt many lessons in becoming a father. The first of which is that I don’t know everything especially when it comes to raising girls! The joy is knowing that I don’t need to know it all. And neither do you. All we need is to possess a heart that is soft, teachable and open to the nudging of the Spirit of God as He leads us into all truth. I believe that we exist for God’s glory and not vice versa. He has revealed His heart and intentions to us through both His word (the Bible) and His Holy Spirit. No man can have access to what another is thinking. Only his own spirit knows his thoughts. We cannot know what God is thinking except by His Spirit…and yet we have His Spirit living within us which means that we can know His thoughts. I also am confident that His

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thoughts about us are good and loving, filled with mercy and joy as He wants us to live life to the full. He is a good, good Father.

And so why this letter? It’s because I want the best for my daughter and I know that you desire the best for her too.

What is ‘the best?’ I am convinced it’s a life centered in Christ, growing continually in love, maturity and grace and using our gifts, talents and resources for the glory of His Kingdom.1

It is possible to live a rich, full life marked with respect, joy and peace, grounded in faithfulness and rooted in love. You will never avoid suffering, conflict or pain but you will have an unshakeable foundation during times of crisis anchored to an eternal hope.

You may have not experienced the same kind of upbringing that my daughter has had but that’s just fine. Embracing a future filled with hope can be your reality. Over the course of this book, I will share with you life lessons and Godly principles. Embracing them with intentionality will empower you to be the man my daughter will be proud to call her husband. Think of it as my investment into your life as you choose to lose your life and gain everything! Let the journey begin…

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

J.R.R. Tolkien. Lord of the Rings.

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PART 1

Let’s start with the most important question: what is a man? In this post-truth society it seems as if gender fluidity is ‘in’. Popular thought says we can define who we are based on

our sexual preferences, our thoughts and feelings, our desires and even our whims and fancies as they change from moment to moment. Can a man then be classified as a woman? Or are there features and characteristics that are unique to a man? I believe that if we are to define anything then we must ask some key questions: Who created it and why was it created?

I believe that man was created on purpose and with a purpose. And it is therefore the Creator who is best qualified to answer why He created us. Many books dig deep into that question and since there are many who are more qualified and articulate than I am (see Appendix 7), I will reiterate what Rick Warren writes in his book, What on Earth am I here for?;

God longs for you to discover the life he created you to live, here on earth and forever in eternity. You are not an accident. You were planned for God’s pleasure, to become best friends with Him and live a life of worship. You were formed for God’s family, to cultivate community and belonging as you share life together. You were created to become like Christ, transformed by truth and troubles as we mature in Him. You were shaped for serving God, using your personality, experiences, gifts and talents to fulfil your assignment in the kingdom, and you were made for a mission, living life with purpose.2

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You were designed uniquely to be you, so be the best ‘you’ that you can be. Don’t try to be like others. Subtle traps distract and detour us from the purposes we are created to fulfil. Scripture enticingly teases, No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.3

This statement doesn’t just apply to people in general, but also to you specifically. Shortly, I will describe your role as a biblical husband by using five people-types to shed greater light on your mandate however, first let’s look at what you can do to prepare while you are still single.

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The Single Man

The single man is often depicted as a confused, horny, aggressive, single-minded individual trying to discover himself and prove his place in the world. You will struggle

with two big issues: identity (who am I?) and destiny (where am I going?). It is imperative that these issues are settled in your heart before you start looking for a life partner. If you don’t, you will unconsciously put pressure on your wife to define who you are and make you happy. This leads to unrealistic and unfair expectations resulting in mental, emotional, verbal and physical abuse resulting in the unfortunate demise of your marriage. I have seen this time and time again. You don’t have to repeat these mistakes.

Identity

Your identity is installed in you primarily by your human father, primarily through his words. You have a deep, God-placed desire to hear from your father words of affirmation and belonging such as, “I am proud of you”, “You are my son”, “Well done, my boy”, “I love you” and the like.

Love and affirmation from our mothers seems to be easier to receive and unfortunately many men don’t have a father who is actively engaged in their lives. You may come from a home where your father died when you were young. Perhaps he left your mother before you were born or your parents got divorced early in your childhood. Whatever the reason, it has become clear that there is a well-defined strategy to remove fathers from their homes, alienating them from their families. The purpose of this supernatural or

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invisible strategy is that there is a supernatural and very real enemy who wants to incapacitate you as a boy so that you will struggle to see yourself as you really are; as Father God sees you. This is designed to prevent you from fulfilling your calling. You will be so busy trying to cope with the devastating consequences stemming from abandonment, fear, rejection, rebellion, anger, sorrow isolation and the like that you will become ineffective as a good husband and father.

If you haven’t had the father you felt you always needed, don’t despair. We have a Father in Heaven who has defined destiny and identity for us so that when we move out from under Dad’s authority, we can seek that identity and destiny from God. Dad is supposed to be a visible picture of the invisible God. If he has not been so to you, then you are in good company! About 80% of men never heard their biological father say, “My son, I love you and I am proud of you.” Perhaps that’s why the world is in such a mess! Men have just never seen a good husband or father modeled.

Having defined the problem, what is the solution? First, acknowledge that your father is a gift from God and thank

God for him, no matter how bad or absent he has been in your life. Start by honouring him because the Scripture teaches us to honour our parents, not for what they have done but for who they are.4 Secondly, forgive him. Not for his sake, but for yours. In all likelihood, he never had a father to teach him the truths that you will learn here and which you can pass on to your children. Release him. Write out ways in which you feel he has let you down or hurt you and forgive him for each offence. Don’t allow offence to turn to bitterness in your heart for it will affect your future family. Don’t be surprised at the emotions that follow. There may be some deep wounds that need healing.

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Once you have forgiven your Dad turn your eyes toward your Heavenly Father. Hear Him tell you that He loves you. That you are His son and that He is proud of you. Open your heart to receive the healing, love and affirmation you so desperately need. You can go through this process alone however it would have far greater impact if you were to work it through with a trusted father figure, pastor or friend.

When you are sure of who you are, you can address where you are going.

Challenge

Describe your relationship with your Dad.

In what ways have his words shaped your thoughts and actions both positive and negative?

How has your father affected your image of God?

How important are his words of affirmation and love to you? What steps do you need to take to fix this?

Write a letter to your Dad. Honour him by thanking him for the positive things in your life.

Take time to express your disappointments and hurts. Forgive and release him, letting him know that you love him.

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Destiny

As a young man interested in making a life with my daughter, I would like to know where you are heading. What plans do you have for your family? A man with no goals is like a ship without a rudder! Don’t ask my girl to get onto your bus when you have no destination!

It’s time to start articulating who you are. Get yourself a journal (or use this workbook). Start by writing your name and asking “Who is …?” If you are looking for resources, there are good sites on the internet.

Next, try to define your unique SHAPE1 by looking at your • Spiritual gifts. These are found throughout the New

Testament and can be discovered through various tests. • Heart. What are you passionate about, besides my daughter?

What would you love doing and would do well even if you’re not paid to do it?

• Abilities. What do you do well? Gallup Strengths Finder is a great investment to help you discover your top strengths and how to live with them in mind all the time.

• Personality. There are useful personality tests to discover if you’re a melancholic, choleric, sanguine or phlegmatic as well as other personality classifi cations such as the DISC profi le.

• Experiences. What you have gone through has shaped your thinking and decision making. It would be to your advantage to write down the 20 greatest things that have happened in your life and then the 20 worst things that have affected you.

Work through that negative list one memory at a time and make sure that your heart has found healing and forgiveness for each one. One indicator that reveals you have not found healing is that

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you are unable to talk freely about something that has happened in your past. If you find it too shameful or painful to recall it will remain a vulnerability, a weak spot, through which the enemy will undermine your marriage. I have also found that life coaching is very powerful as you identify your weaknesses and blind spots as well as discover tools to protect yourself from becoming ‘blindsided’ in the future. Any man who is not willing to make himself vulnerable and seek help is going to be his own worst enemy and not a great candidate for marriage.

We read in Luke’s Gospel that Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, in favour with God and man2. Make four headings in your journal where you can start to write some ways in which you can grow in these areas. Goals where you can be intentional as regards your growth. • Mental: Grow in wisdom by working towards some

achievement such as a degree, new qualifi cations, doing a short-course on something you’ve always wanted to do, reading things that will empower you, playing mental games and etc.

• Physical: Grow in stature by healthy eating habits, create and embark on exercise regimens, creating good sleep patterns and cycles of rest.

• Spiritual: Grow in favour with God by serving in the local church, starting a small group, regular spiritual disciplines such as meditating on scripture, prayer and fasting as well as praying with and for others.

• Social: Grow in favour with men and I mean the right type of men. Men that will challenge, encourage and inspire you. Think about your friendships. You may need to let some go and become more intentional with others?

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Challenge

Define your unique SHAPE under the heading of Spiritual gifts. In what ways has God empowered you?

How are you using those gifts to help others?

Heart. What are you passionate about? Why?

Abilities. What do you do well? What comes naturally?

Personality. Having done a personality test, how would you best describe yourself ? Introvert or extrovert? What strengths and weakness are associated

with your personality type?

Experiences. What are your 20 best life experiences and why? And what are the worst? How did they make you feel?

How have these experiences shaped your life?

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What do you do?

Another recommended exercise is examining how you spend your time. Make a grid with the days of the week across the top and then hour time slots along the side. Write down in each hour what you would normally do. Use colour codes for the spaces for free time, work, study, meals, church, social, exercise, television, gaming, and etc. Time is a gift from the Lord and every moment is precious. You really appreciate its value as you get older and watch your children grow up, so learn now how time can serve you rather than you serve time.

There is the danger of becoming a slave to your calendar but that does not preclude you from planning. Learn the value of making dates with your beloved, waking early to give the first and best of your time to the Lord and the importance of scheduling in activities that ‘refill your bucket’ (in other words activities that energise you). God is the Lord of time so make sure that you are aware of His presence in everything you do as He leads and guides you throughout your day.

The value of goal setting cannot be overstated. It must become second nature. What you do emanates from who you are. Knowing ‘who you are’ will keep 'what you do’ in focus. When we don’t know who we are then we tend to define ourselves by our titles, our victories, education and degrees, our money and achievements or even by ‘how much we do’. This is very dangerous.

You are not defined by what you do. You are defi ned by who your Father says you are. Even Jesus was tempted to defi ne who He was by doing miracles—like turning stones to bread—but He did not fall for that. Jesus replied that He was defi ned by every Word that comes from the mouth of God and that word had

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proclaimed that He was loved and that His Father was proud of Him for who He was.

Goals are both empowering and necessary but I would place the voice of the Holy Spirit above goals. The Holy Spirit is a guide, not a map. Set your plans in place but be willing to change them should the Spirit guide you to do so. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to admit when you have made a mistake. The Holy Spirit will use what the enemy has meant for evil and turn it around for good6 – remember Joseph?7

Take pride seriously.

Challenge

Make a color-coded time grid detailing how you spend each hour of your day in the week? What surprises you?

In what ways will your use of time need to change if you are to be a great husband? Who can you get to help you with this?

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