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Sarah A. AlAwwad

To my mother who’s always there to hear

my stories.

1

I hit play and watch myself in the recording.

But what I see isn't what I remember. All I

can remember is being knocked down after

seeing a wide shouldered shadow following

me. Was it a man or a woman? I can't even

tell. I sit back in my living room, curled up

on my couch, trying to catch my breath after

what I just saw. I re-watch the video, hoping

that it will help reality sink in. The video

starts with my face, a faint smile lies over it

that can barely be seen, but my eyes clearly

show that I'm just not there. Then a little

child comes into the picture, wearing ragged

clothes. He hugs me and calls me Mama.

And the video stops. But there must be a

2

mistake because I'm no body's Mama! I've

never even seen this kid in my entire life. But

who am I to say what's real and what's not?

Right now, I'm not even sure of my own

name. I throw my phone away because this

doesn't make any sense. Why would anyone

claim that I have a child? What do they gain?

I turn on the T.V and pretend everything is

normal until I fall asleep.

I wake up screaming, the events of that night

keep getting into my sleep. Minute by minute

I start remembering more pieces yet many

are still blacked out. I remember getting

ready for the big party at Dalia's house. I

remember going there and finding the crowd

too overwhelming so I silently go out for

3

some fresh air. I go for a walk in their

backyard, I keep walking into the open gates

to the woods. And just as I was mesmerizing

the ancient trees stretching its branches to

the deep blue sky, I hear a muffled sound of

footsteps. “It's probably just a rabbit” I say

to stop myself from panicking. I have never

wished for anything in life more than for this

to be true, but clearly, I was wrong. A few

seconds later I see the shadow, it looks so

big I don't even dare to look back. I tried to

run away as I saw a shovel in its hand. And

right at that moment I felt it smash my skull.

I fell to the ground and that was it. The next

thing I knew I'm in my own bed. Wearing

that same dress I wore to the party and the

4

calendar says it's been two days since the

incident.

I completely ignore what happened and stick

to my daily routine, I wake up early to run

before going to work. I started this habit to

help me clear my mind before tackling the

day ahead of me. While I intended for

running to be an act of solitude, it helped me

make the strongest relationship I have so far.

I remember noticing Will for the first time

when I changed my route to a longer one, his

fast running and muscular body was hard to

miss. I was in a competitive mood that day

so I tried to race him unconsciously, until I

got my ankle sprained. It was embarrassing

and awkward and we still laugh about it. He

5

noticed my sudden stopping and approached

to see if I’m ok. “What a run, huh? Mind if

check your foot?” with the jolting pain I had,

all I could do was pull up the hem of my

pants so he can take a better look at my

injured foot. “A sprained ankle, looks like it’s

a nasty one though. Try not to step on it” he

said while I leaned on his shoulder for

balance. “That’s my shop right there, if you

want you can get some rest and then take a

cab home. I’m Will, by the way.” “Yeah, that

sounds good. I’m Anne.” I nodded while

checking the shop he pointed at, it was a toy

shop, and for a second I was just watching

him and the shop’s pink sign with pictures of

cartoons on it and couldn’t believe that he

owned it. I sat on a little chair inside and

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watched him guide the delighted kids who

entered the shop. I thanked him for his

hospitality and went home. From that day

onwards, I’ve always took that route to run

and what started as an accident turned to a

strong friendship.

For my case, work is a welcome distraction

from all the wreck I’m going through. I’m a

graphic designer at a small advertising

agency. When I work, I shut the whole world

around me and completely focus on the

project ahead of me. I hardly ever talk about

anything but work with the clients and co-

workers. I come on time, I sit on the

computer screen for hours, and then I go

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home. So I can say I’m good at avoiding

people, but what I’m really avoiding is their

questions. What did you do before you come

here? Where’s your family? Why are you so

pale today? I don’t know.

Waking up in the middle of the night gasping

for air has become a habit of mine. I try to

recall pieces of my last dream. It’s fairly easy

because it's the same every night. A younger

version of that kid keeps creeping into my

sleep. Whether it's him as a toddler taking his

first steps or playing with his kite, or a

gathering for his birthday party. It's always

him, and just like that video, the dream

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always ends when he calls me Mama. This

has to stop, I think as I drink water to calm

myself down. I call the only friend I trust,

Will. I don't expect him to pick up since his

probably deep asleep, but he does.

"Seriously Anne, who calls people at 2 am?"

Will grumpily asks me with a sleepy voice. I

tell him everything that happened to me this

past week. I tell him how I feel lost, like

another person has woken up inside of me.

How I don't even feel like myself anymore,

and how those nightmares are driving me

crazy. I can feel how shocked he is even

through the phone. While we’re talking I

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hear his car’s engine starts, and five minutes

later he's ringing my doorbell.

He checks my head and my body like he's

expecting to see a blood bath, he finds

nothing but a few bruises and a scar. I give

him the phone with shaking hands. He

watches the recording carefully, repeating it

several times. His face expressions are much

calmer now. We’re both trying to give a

logical explanation to all of this, with no luck.

In this moment I feel like the world is

spinning around me. But I realize that being

confused with him by my side is much better

than being confused alone.

10

My days go by fairly normal. Except that Will

started visiting me every day. It's like he

wants to guard me from that psycho, even if

he knows there’s nothing he can do, and

that's more than fine with me. I started

sleeping better since I told him about the

incident. I now know that I am not alone.

Just as I was checking my phone, I get a new

message from an unknown number. I

immediately know it's him. A paralyzing chill

runs down my spine, but I manage to give

the phone to Will and ask him to read the

message. “Meet me at the park facing your

house in an hour. I’ll explain everything.

Don't call the police. I won't hurt you.” He

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read. “He’s insane to even think you’re

meeting him. I'm calling the police!” He

added with an angry frown that creased his

forehead. “Didn't you just read what he said?

I'm going to meet him. This might be my

only chance at knowing what this is all

about.” “It’s already late! This is dangerous

and bluntly stupid.” he argued. I understand

his frustration. I know he only want what’s

best for me, and it’s probably a bad idea to

go but I’m certain that I must go. “Can’t you

see it's the only way to put an end to all this

confusion? I don’t have an option here, I

have to go.” “Then you're definitely not

going alone, I'm coming with you.”

12

While I was changing my clothes I was also

getting emotionally ready for the worst-case

scenario. I kept telling myself that if he

wanted to kill me he could've done that

already, and if he wanted to hurt me he

wouldn't meet me at a park. But meeting

someone who've knocked you down with a

shovel will never be a delightful idea.

Through all of these emotions, my heart is

filled with gratitude for Will, it feels like he

paused his life to be by my side and I’ve

never felt this kind of love from anyone else

before. He's my rock that keeps me stable

during all of this mess. “Ready?” Will asks

while knocking on my bedroom's door.

13

It's the most horrifying walk I've ever had to

take, thoughts rush into my mind like waves

crashing onto the shore. I see a hooded man

standing in the corner, I reach for Will's

hand and clutch it with all my power. The

hooded man approaches us and looks at Will

with questioning eyes. “I want to talk to you

alone, believe me, you don't want anyone to

know what I'm about to tell you.” He

muttered. I notice that he's much younger

than what I've expected. He's a teenager with

a familiar voice. “I trust him. Tell me

everything and be quick!” I demanded.

“Have it your way, but don't tell me I didn't

warn you, I want you to look at my face,

don't you remember me? Doesn’t the name

Jack ring a bell?” he asked while revealing his

14

face. I look at him and for a second and it's

like a hint of a memory flashes then

disappears quickly in my brain. I feel Will's

eyes reading me, trying to understand why

I'd know this guy. “No.” is all I manage to

say.

“Well, Once upon a time I was your beloved

nephew” he stated sarcastically.

“I swear to God, if you don't talk straight I'm

calling the police” threatened Will.

“It's hard to explain. I'm not lying when I say

you are my aunt. Didn't you ever wonder

15

where your family is? How your life was

before you came here?”

I feel like my head is going to explode with

the thoughts and memories that’re running

through it all at once. I've always avoided

thinking about my past because it feels vague

and blurry. Instead, I focused on my future,

my career. But that emptiness gave me a wall

of insecurity that stopped me from forming

deep connections with the people around

me. I simply couldn't open up to someone

when I’m not even comfortable with

opening up to myself. It always felt like a

piece of myself is missing, and I wasn’t

planning on looking for it.

16

"This is how it all started. You, my mother,

me and little Jacob. We used to live together

and we all helped running our restaurant, we

didn't have much money, but we were

happy. Until you started complaining from

severe headaches that kept you days with

little or no sleep. We took you from one

doctor to the other without any success with

even getting an accurate diagnosis. Until we

heard about a clinical trial for a new medicine

that helped people with similar symptoms,

so we sold our restaurant and moved in here.

We didn't have a choice, you were getting a

step closer every day to going insane and all

we could do is watch. You were kept under

their supervision and we were not allowed to

visit you for two months where they gave

17

you the medication that eventually cured

you, but had one damaging side effect.”

“What is it?” I asked with my heart filled

with fear that it’s something deadly. “It left

you with no memories of us, the only family

you had. My mother was traumatized by

your condition. She blamed herself for

letting you suffer. She threatened to sue

them even though she knows she has a lost

case because she signed the consent, they

agreed to a financial compensation and with

that, she bought you this house and helped

you have a decent life before you were well

enough to get a job. My mother gave up all

she had to help you but all you gave her back

was rejection and bad temper. After a while,

things started getting ugly, there was always

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fighting and screaming because she pushed

you to remember our past and you wanted

to be left alone. You got a job, and you

seemed like you were doing great on your

own, as long as we are not near you, even

Jacob, your only son, who was too young to

understand what you were going through. So

for your sake and for ours, we went back to

our hometown, and tried to re-build our

lives.” The world around me felt hazy and

all I could hear was the train of thoughts in

my head. This can’t be true, can it? Do I want

it to be true? This means I have a family, but

it also means that I abandoned them. I can’t

blink away the tears that’s blurring my vision,

so I run away.

19

Tears poured down my cheeks even when I

was running at full speed. With no other

place in mind, I headed back to my house,

locked the door behind me and wept. Shortly

after, Will was knocking my door vigorously

but I couldn’t open. Taking him with me was

a mistake, getting attached to him was a

mistake, going to that stupid party was a

mistake, and even living seems now like a

mistake.

Will stopped knocking at the door he simply

said “Anne, please hear me out, let me help

you. I know how lost you feel right now but

we can find a solution to everything ok? He

told me he can prove everything with

documents but until now we’re not even sure

20

he’s saying the truth.” I didn't need a proof

to believe what I was told, the memories

that's forming in my head were enough to

trigger something in my brain that was long

forgotten. “You’re not alone in this,

whatever happens, whatever choice you

make, just remember that you’re not alone.”

And with those words I felt a part of my

heart that was squeezed shut soften. I

opened the door and threw my weight over

him, I clung to him like I was sinking and he

was my oxygen.

I feel like my heart is sagging down into an

empty pit of darkness, it’s the guilt that’s

21

crushing me. I knew I wasn’t normal and I

didn’t go for help. I had a child, and I

abandoned him. I had a family that sacrificed

their entire life for me, but I didn’t even look

for them. I’m also scared of what will happen

now. I have to build a whole new life and I’m

not sure if I’m ready for this.

I asked Will to give me Jack’s number and I

called him to tell him that I want to meet

Jacob.

We met in his apartment, surrounded by

dirty furniture and stained walls, it was hard

not to notice his bad living conditions. I

asked him why he didn’t approach me

directly. “I swear I didn't want to meet you

that way, I didn't want to hurt you, but that

22

night you ran away from me and I was afraid

you'll start screaming” he answered.

“I'm not angry. I'm just confused, what do

you want from me?” “All I want is for Jacob

to see you. He’s been asking a lot about you

lately.” My raised brow showed him that I'm

not buying this. “Honestly, I couldn't stand

how you lived a happy simple life while we

had to suffer every day because of what

happened to you. We couldn't get over what

we've lost. My mom had to work three jobs

to take care of us yet there was always the

question of whether we’ll have food for

dinner or not. Wither she'll be able to pay the

next month’s rent or not. Everything in our

life was a challenge.”

23

"What does this have to do with me and

Jacob?" I said with a shiver at saying his

name for the first time.

“He doesn't have to live this way. You are

his mother and I don't care if everyone tells

me you’ve lost your mind, I've been

watching you, and from what I've seen

you're perfectly fine. Now take responsibility

for your own child”

“Is he here with you?”

“Jacob, come here”

The boy entered the room shyly, his eyes on

the floor and on his cousin but not on me.

“Hello Jacob, how are you?”

24

I had to fight the urge to hug him and hold

him on my lap, to tell him how everything

makes sense now. He was the missing piece

in my life.

I know I have to take this slowly for his sake.

The shy, skinny boy I'm seeing now doesn't

seem to feel the same way and I don't blame

him.

"Wanna get some ice cream?"

Jacob nodded with a wide smile on his face.