The YAMO 2O15 Audition Packet Dear Ms. YAMO, My name is ETHS Student number 1/32881 and I would love to audition for your show!!! I have heard that YAMO is a sketch comedy show that is student written, directed, performed, crooed2, choreographed, and orchestrated. I have heard that YAMO is one of the greatest and most unique opportunities a student can have at Evanston Township High School. I have always wanted to be a part of such a remarkable experience where I will meet a ton of new friends, have a ton of fun and put on a show that thousands of people enjoy each year!!!!! I really want to do this, but I have a few questions.

1. When are auditions? 2. How do I sign up for auditions? 3. What do I have to do for my audition? 4. What is the time commitment for the show? 5. Do you have any tips on how I can make my audition better?

Enthusiastically Yours,

Eths Student Number 1/3288

1 There are 3288 students currently at this school! 2 The croo is our fun way of spelling crew (aka stage crew).

Dear (Can I just call you) ETHS Student, I was overjoyed to receive your letter. I hope there are more people like you who want to audition. YAMO is all that you have said it was and more. I know you might be a bit nervous, but I have faith in you. I am really looking forward to you coming out and showing me all that you can do! Before I answer your questions, I want to make sure that you know what you are specifically auditioning for. YAMO is composed of seven companies: Board3, Acting, Impulse, Unexpected4, Croo (Crew), Dance and Orchestra. Now, on to your questions!

1. Auditions will be held on Memorial Day weekend, Friday May 22 (4:00pm-6:30pm) and Saturday May 23 (10:00am-2:00pm).

2. To sign up for auditions go to http://www.ethstheatre.com/ and pick a time slot with a partner. Then print and fill out your conflict sheet. If you do not have a partner then you will be paired with one. There are four people assigned to each time slot and each slot is fifteen minutes long.

3. For your auditions you are to choose one monologue to do by yourself and one dialogue to do with a partner. I have attached multiple monologues and dialogues for you to choose from in this letter. I want to see as much as you can do, so go big and be as funny as possible! I want to see what you can do with the monologue you are given so DO NOT MAKE CHANGES TO THE MONOLOGUES AND DIALOGUES! You can change the pronouns and names, but that is it! Memorizing your pieces is not mandatory but very highly encouraged! Have a song ready to sing a cappella. If you will pee your pants if I make you sing, then I wont, but it is extremely recommended. Everyone in YAMO sings for the opening and closing of the show anyway. Singing can only help your audition so do not worry if you are no Beyonc or John Legend, you will be fine. It should be roughly around 20-30 seconds long, no more.

4. Rehearsals will begin August 17 and go until October . Check the conflict sheet attached for the full schedule.

5. As for tips, I would say; be prepared, rehearse a lot with your partner before your audition, come early and most of all Have Fun!

Sincerely yours,

Ms. YAMO

3 Your directors, writers, choreographers, composers, conductors, and technical directors and designers! 4 Unexpected is our special, musical company. That means they will have scenes in which the entire company will sing/dance/have FUN together!

Please circle/otherwise mark any potential conflict.

REHEARSALS: Monday, August 17 10AM-4PM Tuesday, August 18 10AM-4PM Wednesday, August 19 10AM-4PM Thursday, August 20 10AM-4PM Friday, August 21 10AM-4PM Saturday, August 22 10AM-4PM Monday, August 24 3PM-6:00PM Tuesday, August 25 4PM-6:00PM Wednesday, August 26 4PM -6:00PM Thursday, August 27 4PM-6:00PM Friday, August 28 4PM-6:00PM Saturday, August 29 10AM-4PM Monday, August 31 4PM-6:00PM Tuesday, September 1 4PM-6:00PM Wednesday, September 2 4PM-6:00PM Thursday, September 3 4PM-6:00PM Friday, September 4 4PM-6:00PM Saturday, September 5 10AM-4PM Monday, September 7 3PM-6:00PM NO REHEARSAL (Labor Day) Tuesday, September 8 4PM-6:00PM Wednesday, September 9 4PM-6:00PM Thursday, September 10 4PM-6:00PM Friday, September 11 4PM-6:00PM Saturday, September 12 10AM-4PM Monday, September 14 1PM-4PM (ROSH HASHANAH) Tuesday, September 15 4PM-6:00PM (ROSH HASHANAH) Wednesday, September 16 4PM-6:00PM Thursday, September 17 NO REHEARSAL (Stratford) Friday, September 18 NO REHEARSAL (Stratford) Saturday, September 19 NO REHEARSAL (Stratford)

Monday, September 21 3PM-6:00PM Tuesday, September 22 4PM-6:00PM Wednesday, September 23 1PM-4PM (YOM KIPPUR) Thursday, September 24 4PM-6:00PM Friday, September 25 4PM-6:00PM Saturday, September 26 10AM-4PM Monday, September 28 3PM-8PM Tuesday, September 29 4PM-8PM Wednesday, September 30 4PM-8PM Thursday, October 1 4PM-8PM Friday, October 2 4PM-10PM Saturday, October 3 9AM-6PM Monday, October 5 3PM-10PM Tuesday, October 6 4PM-10PM Wednesday, October 7 1PM-10PM Thursday, October 9 PM-6PM Friday, October 9 OPENING 6PM CALL Saturday, October 10 SHOW 6PM CALL Friday, October 16 SHOW 9th period CALL(TBD) Saturday, October 17 SHOW 6PM CALL Thursday, October 21 SHOW 6PM CALL Friday, October 22 SHOW 6PM CALL Saturday, October 23 CLOSING 6PM CALL

Bolded dates are Mandatory* (*Except for Yom Kippur, for those observing.)

Monologues (Please perform as written)

THEATRE COACH: Hey, boys! Im Mrs. Sparrow, the theatre teacher. I am so, SO excited to be out here on the court with yall! I know what youre all thinking, who is this handsome, non-traditionally rugged sportswoman whos trying to come in here and tell us all whats what? Well, Im so glad you asked; let me tell you a little bit about me: I played quarterback as a part of the Flyin Wombats back at Dewey, and I just closed a performance of Grease earlier this month at the Community Cougars Theatre in West Evanston. Im really excited to direct all of yall. So lets start by running some blocking! Ive got some great new plays for you all today. You know, Hamlet, Two Trains Running, and the Glass Menagerie! We may have to cut, though For those onstage, make sure youre center. As for the rest of the cast, you just stay offstage until curtain call. Ready? Okay! Set! Hut, hut, SCENE. 2000 AND LATE (Change Gary to Gladys if desired) Hello there!! Im sorry to interrupt all you young whipper-snappers here at the mall, but I need some help. I'm Gary Smith and, well...Im a 16 year old stuck in a 98 year olds body. Thats right, I may be old and decrepit physically, but up here Im a totes popular high school sophomore. While most of the people my age would prefer a hot cup of tea and some bingo, Id rather be out with the squad gettin Froyo and texting my bae. In fact, I just got my cane re-designed to be a selfie stick! All I want to do is make VINES and take pictures of my starbucks, but the people my age are more interested in napping and taking sponge baths. None of the folks at the home understand me or even follow me on twitter and I just dont know what to do. Dang nabbit, I literally cant even with them! Ugh. Well thats my whole story. I have to run because its 6:30 and already past my curfew, but if any of you have any advice, hit me up. Later bros!

COLLEGE STUDENT: Whats going on yall?!?! Im Trenton Bunce and Im absolutely stoked to spend the next four years with some of you fine people. A little about me: Im from Lincoln, Nebraska, so Im about as cultured as it gets. Im actually pretty well known as the best musician in my grade. I play a mean didgeridoo and have over 45 listens on my didgeridoo solo album. Pretty legit stuff, I know. An ideal day for me would be strolling through downtown Lincoln with my didgeridoo in my left hand, and my own album in my right. I knew College University was right for me when I found out about their study abroad program based in Omaha. Nothing like the great state of Nebraska! If you want to reach me before orientation, shoot me an email at TrentRules@Bunce.edu! Well, Its getting pretty late here in Braska and I have yet to stare at myself in the mirror for 45 minutes, so Ill catch all yall later. Bunce out! TACO BELL: (Person describing new experimental items to press and fans) Thank you for coming to the 60th Annual TaCon, the official Taco Bell convention! Were about to lay out three brand new items for you today, so youre all in for a treat! Our first creation is the Deep Fried Cactus Taco. We import these fresh and naturally grown cacti straight from Mexico, then immediately shove them in a deep fryer full of hot grease. Next up we got the Sombrero Special! Now, its like a salad, but without all those pesky vegetables! We throw in a bunch of meat, sizzling cheese, and sour cream into a straw hat! Finally, we wanted something more concrete, so thats exactly what we got. Weve got some dried concrete that they would normally use on roads and other construction projects, but weve finally got clearance from the FDA. Looks like they finally gave up.

KID NOIR: It was a dark and stormy mid-afternoon in Ms. Susans Care-the-Day-Away Day Care Center, and I saw a lovely dame from across the room. She was sittin in the timeout corner with a juice box. Apple. Capri Sun. You could tell she wasnt the kind of gal who respected the pouch, if you catch my drift. She set my heart on fire like a finger caught in the door to the play house. So, naturally, I strolled on over to her. The teach, Ms. Susan, tried to sway me away, tell me shes on time out and dont want to see me. Without blinking, I slid past her and told my gal how I really feel about her. I used my usual method. Youre a poopoo head and youre not my friend and I hate you and youre mean and I dont like you! I think she got the message, because we got a playdate this Sunday at my place. VEGAN: Hi class, Im Ms. Sunset, Vegan. Oh, well, Vegans not my last name, but I would say that its a big part of my life. Sorry! Lets get back on track. Today Ill be your substitute teacher for US History! Ya know, history is all about being objective and not letting your opinions get in the way of the facts. On that note, may I tell you all that Teddy Roosevelt is a cannibal and a modern version of Satan! Why do you ask? Because he wasnt a Vegan! He ate animals, and were all animals on this Earth! Im sorry. Truths too raw, too soon. Lets bring it down a level, shall we? How about Susan B. Anthony, she fought for womens equality. What about animal equality? Animals are people too! All right, our last question of the day is, Who was the best president and why? Abraham Lincoln? George Washington? Franklin Delano Roosevelt? Wrong! its a trick question. Theres no best president, theyre all meat eaters. In an alternate universe where there was no miscount in florida, Al Gore is the best President. Why, you ask? He was a vegan. Im a vegan, did I mention that? I dont think I did.

Dialogues (Please perform as written)

Uber Cool (DRIVER runs up next to PASSENGER) DRIVER:

Did someone order an Uber? PASSENGER:

Yeah, Ive got to get to my nieces recorder recital and it starts in twenty minutes. Have you seen an Uber anywhere?

DRIVER: Right here! Im your uber driver!

PASSENGER: Where exactly is your car?

DRIVER: No need for a car! Introducing Uber: Piggyback Edition!

PASSENGER: Uber: Piggyback Edition! You dont say!

DRIVER: Oh, but I do!

PASSENGER: Who needs to get into someone elses recently vacuumed car when I can get on someones sweaty back to get where Im going.

DRIVER: You no longer need to be a small and meager child in order to ride on someones back! You only need to update your phone to the newest iOS, buy an Uber card from the nearest Walgreens, find the coupon section of your current Uber app, and input the code!

PASSENGER: Lets take it for a spin, shall we?

(PASSENGER climbs onto the DRIVERs back). PASSENGER:

Its getting a bit chilly in here, could you turn on the heater? DRIVER:

No problem! (Exhales.) PASSENGER:

Well, you might want to throw up a car freshener, but Im loving it! Wanna crank some tunes? DRIVER:

Would I?! (Exhales) Uptown funk you- (Exhales) Up! Uptown (Exhales) funk you-(Exhale)UP! PASSENGER:

Uber: Piggyback Edition! Gettin there in style!

Diner Lingo FLO:

All right buddy, so youve taken almost all of the necessary steps to become a waiter here at Dannys Delicious Dallas Diner, I just have one final test for you. Everyone here speaks in diner lingo. What Ill do is shout out an order that one of us would usually yell back to the kitchen and youll have to translate for me. Are you ready?

MILTON: Yeah for sure! Ive been studying for this all week. Lets get started!

FLO: Alrighty! What would you call a drawn cup of mud with a cloudy forecast and sweet blonde.

MILTON: Easy, coffee with milk and sugar. FLO: Way to go! What about a shingle with a shimmy and a shake MILTON: No brainer! Toast with strawberry jelly! FLO:

Good job! Try this, Burn one then take it through the garden and pin a rose on it, but hold the mississippi mud!

MILTON: Cmon, Give me a challenge. A cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, onion, but no mustard FLO:

Excellent! Youre doing great kid. Heres for the win - A Ubiquitous turtle with a phone call and fairy dust.

MILTON: Hmm, double chocolate sundae with almonds and powdered sugar? FLO: Wow, you were so close. what a shame, you really had a gift. MILTON:

Wait, wait, wait. its a A triple chocolate sundae, with almonds, powdered sugar, and caramel!

FLO: There you go! Youre hired!

Tour of Evanston

TOURIST: Um, excuse me, sir! This wouldnt happen to be the tour of Evanston, Illinois, would it? LOCAL: You bet your sweet bippy it is! Welcome to the illustrious tour of Evanston! TOURIST:

Wow! Its just like the brochures! Its so exotic! Is that the famous Lake Michigan over there?

LOCAL: No, sir. Thats fountain square, a classic Evanston spot. During the holidays you can sit here and watch middle school couples take their one week anniversary photo under the giant christmas tree.

TOURIST: Its everything Ive ever dreamed of! Is that Mount Everest over there? LOCAL:

Sir, Mt. Everest is in Nepal...That right there is Mount Trashmore! The worlds most mediocre landfill and sledding location

TOURIST: But..but...where are the presidents? LOCAL:

I believe youre thinking of Mt. Rushmore...which is also nowhere near here. Do you even know where you are? This tour is strictly Evanston landmarks...

TOURIST: But your slogan is We take you everywhere from Istanbul to Honolulu!

LOCAL: Our slogan is: We take you everywhere from Isabella to Howard.

TOURIST: But I thought you said we were going to the White House!

LOCAL: ...I said we were going to the LIGHTHOUSE. Like at the beach? None of these of anywhere close to the midwest!

TOURIST: WAIT! Whats that?! Is that...is that?!

LOCAL: Oh, that old thing? Its nothing too interesting. Thats just Northwestern, one of the largest and most prestigious schools in the country.

Therapy Troubles

PATIENT: Hi. Im looking for a Mr. Schmidt? Have you seen him?

JANITOR: Um... no.

PATIENT: Oh, okay. I'm supposed to meet him here for my first therapy session, I have a check for $500 dollars. But if he's not here then maybe I should just...

JANITOR: Wait! No, no, no, no! Don't leave! What I meant was, I'm Dr.Schmidt. Mr. Schmidt is my father. Why don't you have a seat, you mentioned a check?

PATIENT: Uh, yeah, here you go. This should cover the next three sessions. So, should we get started?

JANITOR: Um... Yeah sure. So, how How are you feeling?

PATIENT: Actually, not great. I've been having these really weird and trippy dreams, where like I'm a cactus, but also not a cactus! Then, my children are all of these needles poking me, making me bleed out all this greek yogurt. What do you think about that?

JANITOR: About what?

PATIENT: ...My kids.

JANITOR: Oh. Um... How do you feel about that?

PATIENT: Not great. Cause, my lady want's to get married. She says I'm not committed to her.

JANITOR: Wow man. That sucks, what are you gonna do?

PATIENT: I don't know... Aren't you supposed to know that stuff?

JANITOR: Me? How would I know, I'm just a Ja- I mean, I'm just Jack Schmidt. Acclaimed therapist

PATIENT: ...You aren't really the therapist, are you?

JANITOR: Well, you could kind of say Im a therapist to floors and urinals

Parent Teacher Conference

PARENT: Hey! Thank you so much for sitting down with me today! I didnt know where else to turn.

TEACHER: Of course! What seems to be the trouble? PARENT:

Ben has been, displaying these very unusual behaviors at home. He doesnt eat, and I dont think he sleeps. I gave him a cabbage patch doll, and I found him in the backyard performing druid rituals on it

TEACHER: Well, you know. Boys do what boys do! The first few years I was a parent, I thought my child was clinically insane as well!

PARENT: You did? So this is all entirely normal? Because yesterday I found him tied to the radiator while he shaved off his eyebrows with a plastic butter knife!

TEACHER: Its all about growing up and maturing. Its extremely normal for young children to lock themselves in air vents for weeks on end with 15 gallons of Jello Powder Packs!

PARENT: I mean, if you say so! Its honestly a bit of a relief! I thought I was the only one! TEACHER:

Weve got to let these kids explore themselves and their surroundings! Let em rip off the roof tiles and shave the cat to the bone! Its not crazy in the slightest.

PARENT: Its crazy how un-crazy it seems to be. Well, thank you so much! Youve been extremely helpful.

TEACHER: Oh please! Its the least I could do after what Ben has been doing in the classroom. Hes been sharpening kids pencils by grinding them in between his chin and collar bones.

Thats All!