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Transcript of Workaholics Spec
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WORKAHOLICS
"Best Friends Forever"
written by
Valerie Bryant
FIRST DRAFT
[email protected] 03 20, 2014
-
COLD OPEN
INT. GUYS HOUSE - NIGHT
We see Anders and Blake passed out drunk inside their respective bedrooms. There are various other people passed out around the house too, indicating theyve just had a party.
EXT. GUYS HOUSE - ROOF
Adam and Karl are lying on the roof, looking up at the stars.
ADAM
Why is toothpaste white? If it was
black, I could get it on my shirt and
it wouldnt be a big deal.
KARL
You could wear white shirts.
ADAM
Youre so smart, dude. I wish I was
smart.
KARL
Youre anything you want to be.
Heretofore, you are smart.
ADAM
You cant just do that. Unless you
can. Am I smart?
KARL
Let me put it this way, should
toothpaste be black?
-
ADAM
Oh my god, I always say that! I say
that all the time! Youre my best
friend.
KARL
And youre my breast friend.
ADAM
Wheres my knife? I want you to carve
that into my arm.
END OF COLD OPEN
"Epidode Title" 2.
-
ACT ONE
INT. GUYS HOUSE - KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY
BLAKE AND ANDERS ARE FRANTICALLY GETTING READY FOR WORK. BLAKE QUIETS ANDERS BY PUTTING HIS HAND ON ANDERS CHEST.
BLAKE
Theres someone in the house.
BLAKE REACHES HIS HAND UNDER A SIDE TABLE AND PULLS OUT A GUN THAT WAS TAPED TO THE BOTTOM OF THE TABLE.
BLAKE SNIFFS THE AIR.
BLAKE (CONTD)
Wait, no -- Waffles!
BLAKE REACHES BACK UNDER THE TABLE AND PULLS OUT A KNIFE AND FORK.
THEY WALK TOWARD THE KITCHEN.
ANDERS
Dont hide stuff under tables. That
was cool, but dont do that anymore.
BLAKE
The gun scare you?
ANDERS
It surprised me, but Im really not
crazy about the knife and fork either.
"Epidode Title" 3.
-
INT. GUYS HOUSE - KITCHEN
ADAM AND KARL ARE COATED IN FLOUR AND SPATTERED WITH BATTER. THEYRE MAKING WAFFLES.
ADAM
Hey guys!
KARL
Morning, sunshines!
ANDERS
Hey...guys.
BLAKE
Yeah. Hey.
ANDERS
Adam, we gotta get to work.
BLAKE
That job wont do itself.
KARL
Do itself? Like masturbate.
ADAM LAUGHS.
KARL (CONTD)
Masturbating job.
ADAM LAUGHS SO HARD, HE CANT CATCH HIS BREATH.
KARL (CONTD)
Id take that job.
ADAM STARTS FALLING TO THE FLOOR, LAUGHING, AND HE BRINGS KARL DOWN WITH HIM.
ANDERS
Were leaving.
"Epidode Title" 4.
-
ADAM
I stopped caring like ten minutes ago.
Im not going. Its me and Karls...
Karl and Is? Mine and Karls?
ADAM AND KARL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE.
ADAM (CONTD)
Anyway, its our anniversary. I cant
go to work on our anniversary.
BLAKE
Anniversary of what?
ADAM
Of the day we became best friends.
Its our one-day anniversary.
ANDERS AND BLAKE ARE SAD, BUT ANDERS QUICKLY HIDES IT.
ANDERS
Whatever. I dont have time for this.
BLAKE
I wanna stay.
ANDERS
Me too. Were gonna stay too.
KARL
Its kind of an A and B day.
ADAM
So C your way out of it.
BLAKE
Can I have a waffle?
"Epidode Title" 5.
-
ADAM
I dont know, can you?
KARL LAUGHS, ADAM BEAMS WITH PRIDE.
BLAKE
Forget it.
ANDERS AND BLAKE LEAVE.
ADAM
Remember when I said C your way out
of it? Callback.
INT. ANDERS CAR
ANDERS AND BLAKE ARE IN THE CAR DRIVING, WITH AN OBNOXIOUS DJTALKING ON THE RADIO. THE VOLUME IS UP REALLY LOUD, SO THEY WONT HAVE TO TALK ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED. THEYRE SHAKEN.
INT. GUYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
KARL AND ADAM ARE EATING WAFFLES.
KARL
Have you ever eaten a waffle with a
pan on your head?
ADAM
What? No. Thats crazy.
ADAM CONTINUES TO EAT. KARL CASUALLY PLACES A PAN ON HIS HEAD.
KARL
Hey Adam.
ADAM GLANCES UP BETWEEN BITES AND SEES KARL. ADAM CRACKS UP.
ADAM
You are nuts, dude.
"Epidode Title" 6.
-
INT. OFFICE - GUYS CUBICLE - SAME DAY
ANDERS AND BLAKE ARE WORKING WHEN JILLIAN WALKS INTO THEIR CUBICLE.
JILLIAN
Wheres Adam? I need him to try out a
dog bed for me.
BLAKE
Uh, hes sick. Can I do it? I love
me some round, fuzzy bed.
JILLIAN
No offense, Blake, but youre no
bulldog.
BLAKE
I do take offense to that, Jillian.
JILLIAN
Im sorry.
ANDERS
Hes feeling sensitive today. Any
other day hed be happy to hear hes
no bulldog.
JILLIAN
Anders, before you start to beg, let
me stop you and say youre no bulldog
either.
ANDERS
Whoa!
"Epidode Title" 7.
-
BLAKE
Its one thing to say that to me, but
to Anders!
JILLIAN
Sorry for lashing out, but I really
need Adam. How sick is he?
BLAKE
Hes sick as a dog.
JILLIAN
What kind of dog? Just kidding, I
couldnt risk getting Rocky sick.
Rockys the name of the dog Ill be
dogsitting. Hell be with me all
weekend. Im kind of nervous about
it.
ANDERS
Can we not be a part of this dilemma
anymore?
JILLIAN
Oh, of course, duh, Im sorry.
JILLIAN WALKS AWAY.
ANDERS
You are a bulldog.
BLAKE
Youre a bulldog, dude. Full on.
BLAKE AND ANDERS SIT IN SILENCE FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS. THEYRE CLEARLY BOTH OBSESSING OVER WHAT HAPPENED WITH ADAM.
"Epidode Title" 8.
-
ANDERS(trying to sound casual)
That was weird back there, right?
BLAKE
Oh, yeah, the bulldog thing. Weird.
ANDERS
Hah. Yeah.
SILENCE.
ANDERS (CONTD)(pretending to be casual)
And also the thing with Adam and Karl
being best friends.
BLAKE(pretending not to care)
Oh, sure, I guess that was a little
weird.
THEY BOTH CONTINUE ON PRETENDING THEYRE NOT BOTHERED.
ANDERS
Im not too worried about it either.
Im not like oh no, where do I belong
now? Is there any point in living
anymore?
BLAKE
Hahahah.
THEY SIT IN SILENCE AGAIN.
BLAKE (CONTD)
Karls probably gone by now anyway.
ANDERS LOOKS VISIBLY RELIEVED AT THE POSSIBILITY.
"Epidode Title" 9.
-
ANDERS
Youre so right. Hey, what do you say
we have a pizza night tonight?
BLAKE
From Adams favorite place?
ANDERS(lying)
Hmm..I hadnt really thought about it,
but why not?
BLAKE
Why not?
THEY SIT IN SILENCE AGAIN.
ANDERS
Yep. Karls probably long gone by
now.
MONTAGE:
(FRIENDSHIP MONTAGE, MUSIC PLAYS)
1. ADAM AND KARL TAKE A BATH TOGETHER IN THEIR BATHING SUITS.
2. ADAM AND KARL DRINK PICKLE JUICE, THEN ACT EXAGGERATEDLY, CARTOONISHLY DRUNK.
3. THEY PLAY HOUSE. KARL IS THE WIFE, ADAM IS THE HUSBAND. ADAM PRETENDS TO BE MAD, KARL ACTS UPSET, ADAM FEELS GUILTY.
4. WE SEE ADAM AND KARLS SILHOUETTES INSIDE OF A FORT THEY BUILT IN THE LIVING ROOM. THEYRE MEASURING THEIR DICKS.
END MONTAGE:
INT. GUYS HOUSE - LATERBLAKE AND ANDERS WALK IN THE DOOR WITH PIZZA.
ANDERS
Honey, were home!
BLAKE
Honey, were home!
"Epidode Title" 10.
-
KARL AND ADAM ARE ON THE COUCH, THROWING CANDY INTO EACH OTHERS MOUTHS.
ANDERS
Oh, hey Karl.
BLAKE
Hevacheck, hey.
ADAM
Dont break our concentration, guys.
ADAM TOSSES A CANDY AT KARL AND IT HITS KARL IN THE FACE.
ANDERS AND BLAKE GO INTO THE KITCHEN.
ANDERS(whispering)
What are we gonna do about this?
BLAKE(whispering)
We could slut shame him.
ANDERS(whispering)
At least I have respect for myself!
No, it just doesnt pop.
BLAKE(whispering)
This pizza is only big enough for the
three of us.
ANDERS(whispering)
You think I dont know that?
ANDERS LOOKS OVER AT KARL AND ADAM WHO ARE NOW SITTING CLOSER TO EACH OTHER, STILL ATTEMPTING TO THROW CANDY INTO EACH OTHERS MOUTHS.
"Epidode Title" 11.
-
BLAKE(whispering)
Lets just act cool with it. We dont
want to seem jelly, thats not gonna
get him back.
ANDERS(whispering)
Perfect plan.
ANDERS AND BLAKE WALK INTO THE LIVING ROOM. ADAM AND KARL ARE NOW SITTING AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE, JUST FEEDING EACH OTHER CANDY.
ANDERS (CONTD)
Hey guys, cool trick. Want some za?
BLAKE
Its from your favorite place.
ADAM
Im kinda stuffed from those waffles
this morning.
KARL
I could go for some pizza.
ADAM
Actually, yeah, I could go for some
pizza.
KARL
I have to leave though. My old ladys
been on my ass lately.
BLAKE
Whos your old lady?
"Epidode Title" 12.
-
KARL
Oh, you know, just some old lady.
Ill come back tonight with my
sleeping bag, cool?
ADAM
The coolest.
ANDERS
Cooler than that.
BLAKE
Ice cold.
KARL
Ill take a slice for the road.
KARL ROLLS UP THE ENTIRE PIZZA AND TAKES IT WITH HIM.
KARL (CONTD)
Later skaters.
ANDERS
Cool!
ADAM IS IN AWE OF KARL. KARL LEAVES.
ADAM
God, hes cool.
BLAKE
Yeah, definitely. So hes staying
over tonight?
ADAM
His old ladys been on his ass, so
hes crashing here, yeah. Did you
know hes lactose intolerant?
"Epidode Title" 13.
-
ANDERS
He just ate a whole pizza.
ADAM
Its not serious or anything, but
isnt that crazy? And he uses head
and shoulders shampoo even though he
never has dandruff. Hes so cool.
BLAKE
Jillian was looking for you at work
today. Dont worry, I covered for
you.
ADAM
Oh. Okay. Thats nice, thanks. Why
would Jillian care--
ANDERS
Wanna have an ice-cream party tonight?
ADAM
Well, Karl is lactose-intolerant,
so...
ANDERS
Oh, right...
ADAM
But, I mean, he loves ice-cream, so
yeah.
ANDERS
Great. Ill take care of all the
details. Dont worry about it.
"Epidode Title" 14.
-
ADAM
Okay. Id better go get cleaned up.
Its amazing how little you get clean
when you bathe with another person.
ADAM WALKS AWAY.
ANDERS
This isnt working. Im so jelly.
Im so jelly and it shows. I just
want to take a bottle of sleeping
pills and never wake-up.
BLAKE
Wait a minute, Ders, thats it! We
need to give him a taste of his own
medicine. We need to make Adam jelly.
ANDERS
But how?
BLAKE
Oh, youll see.
BLAKE RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER. ANDERS LOOKS CONFUSED.
BLAKE (CONTD)
Ill invite Jillian over.
ANDERS
Oh. Huh.
END OF ACT ONE
"Epidode Title" 15.
-
ACT TWO
INT. GUYS HOUSE - NIGHTBLAKE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TO LET IN JILLIAN WHO IS WEARING A NEW PAIR OF HELLO KITTY PAJAMAS. SHE IS HOLDING A DOG BED AND A CABOODLES MAKE-UP BOX. BLAKE IS WEARING WHATEVER HE NORMALLY WEARS TO BED.
BLAKE
Jillian!
JILLIAN
Blake!
BLAKE NOTICES THE DOG BED.
BLAKE
Did you bring that dog?
JILLIAN
What dog? Oh, you mean Rocky. No.
So much drama, I cant even.
BLAKE
But the dog bed?
JILLIAN
You know you cant return these once
theyve been slept in?
BLAKE
Really?
JILLIAN
Whatever, its comfy as heck. Im not
complaining.
ADAM IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, FACING AWAY FROM THE OTHERS.
JILLIAN (CONTD)
Adam, you feeling better?
"Epidode Title" 16.
-
ADAM
Huh? I feel great. Dumb question.
JILLIAN(to Blake)
What a tough lil guy. So
inspirational.
ANDERS WALKS UP WEARING CAPRI PAJAMA PANTS, AN OVERSIZED GARFIELD TEE, AND A BREATHE RIGHT STRIP ON HIS NOSE.
ANDERS
Jillian!
JILLIAN
Hey Anders! Where should I put my
stuff?
BLAKE
My room!
ANDERS
But I thought--
BLAKE
My room will be better.
ANDERS
Okay...
JILLIAN WALKS AWAY, TOWARD BLAKES ROOM.
BLAKE
Hey Adam, did you see Jillian?
ADAM
Yeah.
ANDERS
Jillians so great, isnt she, Blake?
"Epidode Title" 17.
-
BLAKE
Yeah.
ANDERS
Adam, isnt Jillian great?
ADAM
Not really.
ANDERS(frustrated whisper to Blake)
This isnt working!
THE DOORBELL RINGS.
ADAM
I got it!
ADAM JUMPS OVER THE COUCH. HE OPENS THE DOOR AND SEES A ROLLED-UP SLEEPING BAG ON THE GROUND WITH A NOTE ON IT.
ADAM (CONTD)
What the hell?
HE PICKS UP THE NOTE AND READS IT ALOUD.
ADAM (CONTD)
Sorry, couldnt come. Love, Karl.
ADAM TURNS AROUND, TEARS IN HIS EYES.
ADAM (CONTD)
Karl couldnt come, you guys.
KARL POPS OUT FROM BEHIND ADAM AND GRABS HIS SHOULDERS.
KARL
Boo!
ADAM SCREAMS AND HUGS KARL.
ADAM
Oh my god, dude. Good one.
"Epidode Title" 18.
-
ADAM WIPES THE TEARS FROM HIS EYES.
ADAM (CONTD)
He was joking, everybody. Hes here.
ADAM HUGS KARL AGAIN.
KARL
Guess what I brought? Stephen Kings
It, brother.
ANDERS
Oh, I dont know. Maybe we should
just set up the ice-cream bar and
watch a family-friendly movie.
JILLIAN
Or we could play truth or dare?
ANDERS
No...
BLAKE
Or tell ghost stories.
ANDERS
No...
JILLIAN
Or use my quija board.
ANDERS
No! Lets just make ice-creams and
watch Getting Even With Dad. I paid
$3.99 to rent it for 24 hours, so can
we just please watch that instead?
"Epidode Title" 19.
-
KARL
No can do, buddy.
ADAM
Sorry, Ders, maybe next time.
INT. GUYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME NIGHTIT IS PLAYING ON THE TV AND ANDERS IS SITTING BEHIND THE COUCH, TOO TERRIFIED TO LOOK AT THE TV, BUT ALSO TOO AFRAID OF THE SOUND TO STAY IN THE ROOM.
ANDERS STANDS UP.
ANDERS
Anyone else feeling tired?
BLAKE AND JILLIAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER MISCHIEVOUSLY.
JILLIAN
Okay, Anders, lets go to bed.
BLAKE
Yeah, that sounds fun.
ANDERS
Really? Okay, great, Ill go get my
pillow.
ANDERS HOPS HAPPILY TOWARD HIS BEDROOM AND BLAKE AND JILLIAN QUIETLY LAUGH TO ONE ANOTHER.
ADAM AND KARL ARE CURLED UP ON THE SOFA TOGETHER. ADAM IS SCARED AND BURYING HIS FACE IN KARLS ARM.
INT. GUYS HOUSE - BLAKES BEDROOMANDERS IS LYING ON THE FLOOR, WHILE JILLIAN AND BLAKE SHARING THE DOG BED THAT THEYVE SET ON TOP OF BLAKES BED.
ANDERS
We had some fun tonight, didnt we
guys?
"Epidode Title" 20.
-
BLAKE(sarcastic)
Oh, yeah.
ANDERS
I mean, sure, Getting Even With Dad
wouldve made it more fun, but It was
okay too. It wasnt too scary.
JILLIAN(sarcastic)
I agree with you.
JILLIAN AND BLAKE GIGGLE.
ANDERS YAWNS.
ANDERS
Goodnight, guys. See you in the A.M.
ANDERS PUTS ON HIS SLEEP MASK AND FALLS ASLEEP.
THE NEXT THING WE SEE IS WHAT ANDERS SEES. ITS PITCH BLACK AND THERE IS LAUGHTER ALL AROUND HIM. HE TAKES OFF HIS SLEEP MASK AND FINDS JILLIAN RUBBING A HOT DOG COATED IN MAYONNAISE ON HIS FACE.
ANDERS KNOCKS THE HOT DOG AWAY AND IT LANDS ON BLAKES BED.
BLAKE
What the hell, man? You got mayo on
my bed.
ANDERS
You guys are mean!
JILLIAN
It was a joke!
ANDERS
Well then I guess I dont get it,
cause its not funny to me.
"Epidode Title" 21.
-
ANDERS LEAVES THE ROOM IN A HUFF, WHILE BLAKE AND JILLIAN LAUGH THEIR BUTTS OFF.
INT. GUYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOMANDERS GETS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND CRAWLS TOWARD THE LIVING ROOM. HE SITS UP AGAINST THE COUCH AND CRIES. THEN HE HEARS ADAM AND KARL TALKING. THEYRE PLAYING A VIDEO GAME AND ADAM IS GETTING FUSSY.
ADAM
Please dont hit me with a red shell
this time. This is my first time in
third place and so please just dont.
ADAM YELLS. HES CLEARLY BEEN HIT BY A RED SHELL.
ADAM (CONTD)
I asked nicely!
ADAM BITES KARL. KARL SCREAMS, THEN BITES ADAM BACK AND ADAM SCREAMS.
ADAM (CONTD)
I hate you!
KARL
Youre fat!
ADAM
What? I am?
KARL
Everyone thinks so.
ADAM STARTS TO CRY.
KARL (CONTD)
Aww, baby gonna cry now?
ADAM
No! No! I can cry on cue. Im
crying on purpose to mess with you.
"Epidode Title" 22.
-
KARL
What? Really?
ANDERS STANDS UP FROM BEHIND THE COUCH.
ANDERS
Hey, Karl, pick on someone your own
size. I mean, not cause youre fat,
Adam, just.. Just stop picking on
Adam.
KARL
What are you gonna do about it, huh,
fartknocker?
ANDERS
I...I...
KARL
Is that semen on your face?
ANDERS WIPES THE REMAINING MAYONNAISE OFF HIS FACE.
KARL (CONTD)
Im outta here. You guys are weirdos.
KARL WALKS TOWARD THE DOOR AND ADAM RUNS TO HIM.
ADAM
Wait a minute, Karl.
KARL TURNS AROUND.
KARL
What is it?
ADAM
Who are your friends?
"Epidode Title" 23.
-
KARL
Huh?
ADAM
Name all of your friends.
KARL
Um, lets see...Derek, Creature,
Hambone, Xavier, Mr. Kibbens, and all
the guys in the hobo circle I run in.
ADAM
Anyone else?
KARL
Lets see...No.
ADAM
Are you sure?
KARL
Yep. Bye.
KARL WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR AND ADAM STARTS TO CRY. ANDERS WALKS OVER AND GIVES HIM A HUG.
ANDERS
You dont have to feel ashamed of
crying, Adam. You know why?
ADAM
Why?
ANDERS
Cause I was crying too.
ADAM
You were?
"Epidode Title" 24.
-
ANDERS
Yeah, I was. What do you say we have
ourselves an ice-cream party?
ADAM
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ADAM GOES TOWARD THE KITCHEN AND ANDERS DOES TOO, BUT HE HESITATES.
ANDERS
You go on and get started without me.
Theres something I have to do first.
INT. GUYS HOUSE - BLAKES BEDROOMBLAKE AND JILLIAN ARE PLAYING A CLAPPING GAME, MISS MARY MACK, ON THE BED WHEN ANDERS OPENS THE DOOR.
ANDERS
I know youre sick of me right now,
Blake, and thats fine, but...Karls
gone.
BLAKE
We got our Adam back?
ANDERS
We got our Adam back. Ice-cream?
BLAKE
Hell yeah.
THEY START TO WALK OUT OF THE ROOM TOGETHER.
ANDERS
What about Jillian?
BLAKE
Who cares about Jillian? We got our
Adam back.
"Epidode Title" 25.
-
JILLIAN CLASPS HER HANDS TOGETHER BENEATH HER CHIN AND BEAMS WITH JOY AT THEIR REUNION.
INT. GUYS HOUSE - KITCHENTHE BOYS ARE MAKING ICE-CREAMS WITH FANCY TOPPINGS. THEY ARE BONDING BIG TIME. THEYRE NOT TALKING, JUST SMILING, LAUGHING, AND GOOFING AROUND WITH ONE ANOTHER.
ADAM
That was weird when you had semen on
your face.
EXT. GUYS HOUSE - ROOFANDERS, ADAM, AND BLAKE ARE PASSED OUT ON THE ROOF, ICE-CREAM COATING THEIR FACES. WE PAN OUT AND SEE THAT THEIR BODIES ARE CREATING THE SHAPE OF A HEART.
END OF EPISODE
"Epidode Title" 26.