Why Do They Act That Way

8/20/2019 Why Do They Act That Way

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Book Discussion

Why Do They Act That Way?

by David Walsh



Why Do They Act That Way? byDavid Walsh

Chapter 1: Making Sense ofAdolescence

o Appreciating Adolescents

o No longer a Child but Not Yet an Adult

o

Physical Changes in the Teen Brain(see next slide)

o Parenting/Teaching Style- what is

yours? We will classify later.




Chapter 1 (continued)

o Physical Changes in Teen Brain

Even though the teen brain does not alter in size orshape, astounding amount of growth left.

Give teens the connection, guidance, and love they needeven when they are being difficult.

It takes persistence and consistency in your messages

and behavior.

Teens need their parents/teachers to expect the best ofthem.




Do’s and Don’ts

Do’s Don’ts

Attend parent conferencesand events at school.

Don’t panic if things getrocky with your teen.

Compare notes with otherparents.

Don’t become a “doormat”for disrespectful behavior.

Get to know your children’sfriends and their parents.

Don’t ignore potentiallyserious problems.

Learn about adolescentgrowth.

Refresh your memory aboutyour own adolescence.




Chapter 2: A Guided Tour of TheirBrain

o Brain Basics: brain, organ; mindwhat the brain does

o

Brain StructureBrain Stem: inner part, in charge of

unconscious physiological functions like

breathingLimbic System: in charge of emotion

contains the hypothalamus, hippocampus,amygdala, and ventral striatal (see next page)

Cortex: in charge of reasoning especially

the prefrontal 80% of brain performanceis done in the cortex (see next page)




More on Brain Structure

o In the Cortex is the Prefrontal Cortex,

(PFC), the brain’s “CEO” is responsible

for planning ahead, consideringconsequences, managing emotionalimpulses, and is the brain’sconscience.




Breakdown of Limbic System

Amygdala: seat of fear and anger

Hippocampus: memories

Hypothalamus: center for the body’sendocrine or hormone center

Ventral striatal (VS) circuit: motivation




5 Processes of Brain Development

1. Use it or lose itOne circuit that develops in the teen brain enables them to manage strongemotional responses. The more we encourage teens to think before they speak or act,the stronger those connections become. Teens who are never held accountable fortaking charge of their impulses have difficulty developing this crucial skill.

2. Blossoming and pruning

Experience determines which neural connections survive and which wither away.Experiences during these periods, more than any other time, physically shape the brain’sneural networks and have a huge impact on how the brain gets wired.

3. The window of opportunityOpportunities to build positive neural connections – opposite is true.

4. The window of sensitivity:

Certain developing areas of the brain are more susceptible during teen years.

5. Myelination (insulation of nerve cells):White fatty substance that covers the main cable of the neuron, the axon

Bottom line: all of these processes continue to develop during adolescence.




Chapter 3: Why Adolescences areImpulsive

o Because the PFC is the CEO of the brain, its job is to think ahead to the consequencesand to control impulses that shoot out of

other regions of the brain. Since it is stilldeveloping in teens, they do not have theimpulse control of adults.

o Adults are the “brakes” of the sports cars.

Teens must learn how to control.o Set limits and consequences.




Do’s and Don’ts

Do Don’tSet clear rules and expectations. Be surprised if teens get surly.

Have conversations about theabove when everyone is calm,

not in the heat of the moment.

Pick and choose the issues thatmatter.

Spell out consequences fornoncompliance.

Don’t make consequences intothreats.

Have child restate out loud theexpectations and consequences.

Don’t let your adolescent gethis/her way when they throw a

tantrum.

Follow though. And if yellingstarts, reschedule.

Don’t let your emotions get outof control.




Chapter 4: Risky Business:Helping Teens Put on the Breaks

o Smart, good kids do stupid things. It’s asimple fact of life. No one makes it throughthe teenage years unscathed.

o

It’s the parents job to allow the kids tomake mistakes and convert the mistakesinto learning opportunities by making surethat our kids deal with the consequences.

o Discussion of hormones and

neurotransmitters.

o Parents have to function as the brakes untilthe brain installs its own set.




Parenting/Teaching Styles

PERMISSIVE AUTHORITARIAN STRUCTURED

Few rules Rigid rules Firm rules

Few consequences Strict enforcement Firm enforcement

Endlessnegotiation

No negotiation Limited negotiation

Limited or erraticleadership

Autocratic leadership Stable leadership

Emphasis onindividuality

Emphasis oncomformity

Balance

All opinions equal Only parent’s opinionscount

Opinions respected




Do’s and Don’ts

Do Don’tAdjust expectations about teenbehavior in light of brain dev.

Tolerate abusive or disrespectfulbehavior.

Periodically examine and adjust asneeded your parent/teaching style.(try the Structure Parent approach)

Lose your temper even if your childdoes.

Practice patience. Get support fromother parents/friends.

Don’t get caught in the trap ofdestructive verbal battles.

Know where your kids are and whatthey are doing. Ask questions andfollow up.

Don’t make mountains out ofmolehills.

Maintain and enforce standards ofbehavior.

.




Chapter 5: What We Have Here Isa Failure to Communicate

o Teens misread facial expressions.

o Misreading emotional cues can lead toproblems.

o

Three reasons why communication isdifficult for teens.• Misreading of emotions

•

Response from the amygdala is going tobe super-charged

• PFC not working like an adults




Great Communication Tips pg. 85

o Begin statements with I rather than you.

o Avoid generalizations.

o To eliminate confusion, be as specific as

possible when asking for something.o Ask questions that require more than 1

word answers.

o Stick to one topic at a time.

o

Name feeling, state the reason for yourfeeling, state what you would like.

o Listening is more important that talking.




Do’s and Don’ts

Do Don’tListen, listen, listen. Swear or use abusive language

or accept that kind of language.

Say clearly what you are feelingto reduce misintrepations.

Don’t engage in name calling orput downs.

Model good communicationskills.

Don’t get caught in a yellingmatch.

Expect and tolerate a little

“mouthiness.”

Don’t leave conflict unresolved.

Apologize if needed. And call atime out if communication gets

off track.




Chapter 6: Male and Female Brains

o As babies, the left hemisphere of the brain developsbefore the right in girls and the reverse it true forboys. (left hemisphere, language dev.; righthemisphere, spatial thinking).

o Physical activity helps boys learn. Also, staying

physically active can help boys deal with aggression.o Because teen girls verbalize their moods, they are

also in danger of talking themselves into depression.We need to listen when they are emotionally hurtingbut also encourage them to work toward solutions.

o Teens try on different roles at different times to seewhat fits and what feels comfortable.




Do’s and Don’ts

Do Don’tEncourage daughters to get involvedin sports.

Limit your teen by encouraging onlytraditional gender interests.

Encourage sons and daughters to beinvolved in a wide range of activities. Don’t tolerate aggressive behavior.

Find books and magazines abouttopics students are interested in.

Don’t use disparaging remarks aboutgays, lesbians, or transgenderpeople.

Encourage daughters to findsolutions when they are feelingdown.

Encourage your sons to name andtalk about their feelings.




Chapter 7: Love, Sex, and theAdolescent Brain

o Because of their testosterone surges, teen boys tendto view girls as sexual objects. Teen girls are moreprone to focus on the relational aspects of sexualattraction.

o The brain activity in someone in love is very similar to

the neural firing patterns of someone under theinfluence of cocaine.

o The experience of falling in love is short – averagelength in teens 3-4 months.

o Research shows that if trusted adults don’t talk toadolescents about sex, then they will get their

information from peers. Pg. 132-133 Tips on how totalk to teens about birds and bees.




Do’s and Don’ts

Do Don’tEmphasize the importance ofhonesty in all relationships.

Get angry or use put downs about aboy/girlfriend.

Have regular conversations aboutsex and sexuality. Don’t ridicule or make fun ofcrushes.

Communicate your values about sexand sexuality.

Don’t assume your child won’tengage in sexual behavior.

Provide your teen with accurate

information about sex, STD’s andbirth control.

Don’t let TV and movies become the

only teachers about sex andsexuality.

Get to know your teens friends andboy/girlfriends. And listen.

Chapter 8: Monkey Wrenches in




Chapter 8: Monkey Wrenches inthe Brain: Alcohol, Tobacco, andDrugs

o Drugs and alcohol can cause permanent damage tothe adolescent brain (no family is immune).

o Whenever you chronically use a foreign substance totrigger dopamine surges, the body stops producing

the levels of dopamine it normally needs.o It is key to stay connected to your child.




Do’s and Don’ts

Do’s Don’tsModel responsible use. Don’t send mixed messages

Set clear expectations – describe thedamage that can be done. Don’t ignore signs that your child isdrinking, smoking or using drugs.

Set and enforce curfews. Don’t accept excuses for repeateddrinking, smoking or drug use.

Get to know your child’s friends and

their parents.

Have regular conversations aboutdrugs and alcohol.

Knowing where your kids are, who they are with, and what they are doing is key.




Chapter 9: Adolescents and Media

o Digital natives

o 2/3 teens have TV’s in their bedrooms

o Studies show teens spend almost 40 hours a week infront of a screen

o

As the average child’s weekly media exposureincreases, his weekly amount of physical activityplummets

o The strength of evidence linking media violence toyouth aggression is stronger than the evidence linking

lead poisoning w/mental retardation and moredefinitive than the case linking secondhand smokewith cancer




Do’s and Don’ts

Do Don’tHave clear rules about screen time. Don’t have TV on during meals.

Limit amount of entertainmentscreen time (he recommends 10hours a week).

Don’t allow TV’s in the bedroom.

Practice appointment television andfollow the media rating system.

Don’t let media time crowd out otherimportant activities.

Know what your kids are watchingand playing as far as video gamesand to talk to them about programs.

Don’t let kids play ultraviolent first-person shooter video games.

Install Internet monitoring softwareso kids know that you can trackwhere they have been.




Chapter 10: The Story BehindTired Teens

o Teenager needs on average 9.5 hours ofsleep a night.

o Beginning at puberty the wake/sleep cycle

changes. The melatonin (sleep hormone)surge occurs later and the drop occurs lateras well.

o Some effects of sleep deprivation

•

Increase in the stress hormone cortisol

• Difficulty focusing, reasoning, etc.

•

Impairs your ability to process glucose




Do’s and Don’ts

Do Don’tLet your teen know that scientistsdiscovered that they need 9.5 hoursof sleep.

Don’t let your teens take sleepingmeds – including melatonin – unlessrecommended by a doctor.

Encourage your teen to wind downat a reasonable hour even if theydon’t feel tired.

Don’t let your teens get in the habitof using a lot of caffeine to wake upin the morning (hard to model).

Let your adolescent catch up onsome sleep on weekends.

Don’t let your teen accept jobs thatkeep them up late at night.

Carve out enough time in yourchild’s daily schedule so that theycan get enough sleep.

Be mindful of how much TV/screentime they have especially late atnight.




Chapter 12: The Psychological andSocial Dimensions of Adolescence

o

Can’t just explain teen behavior by the physiologicalchanges alone

o

Don’t take it personally when your teenager seemsembarrassed by you.

o

Four major changes during teen years:

rapid physical changeschanges in both the intensity and volatility of emotionsthe shift of influence from parents to peersThe search for identity – Who am I? Who do I want to be?

o

Preoccupation with physical appearance




Chapter 12: continued

o

Teens are very self-conscious about behavior: in theirworld there is no such thing as a subtle mistake

o

Teens have contradictory feelings between being anemerging adult and still a child

o

There is a natural shift of influence from parents to peerso

Erikson’s “identity formation” It is an adolescent’s job tofigure out what kind of person he/she wants to be. Thatmay mean they challenge, question, and reevaluate theirfamily’s values.

o

Teens need space and latitude. Letting teenagers find

their own way can be scary, but remember they needspace to become who they want to be. That’s why it isimportant to think of new ways to maintain a connection.




Do’s and Don’ts

Do Don’tExpect your teen to becomesensitive about how s/he looks.

Don’t make derogatory/kiddingremarks about your teen’sappearance.

Understand the importance offriends to your child.

Don’t be surprised if your teenbecomes embarrassed by you.

Be open to discussing values, evenwhen your teen questions/challengesyou.

Don’t put down your teen’s friends.

Talk openly about peer pressure andhow you can manage it.

Don’t base your parenting decisionon what every other teen is doing.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.




Chapter 13: The Importance ofConnection and Guidance

o

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.One is roots. The other is wings.

o

Research consistently shows that the most protective factorfor teens is parent connection and involvement.

o

Maintaining family rituals and vacations is a great way to

stay connected.o

Staying connected means staying open to differentpossibilities. A good rule of thumb is to spend 2x’s asmuch time and ! as much money we can afford with ourchildren.




Do’s and Don’ts

Do Don’tSearch for ways to connect with yourteen.

Don’t lecture.

Spend time together as a family. Don’t grant the “divorce” from thefamily that your teen seems to want.

Involve other adults in your teenslife.

Don’t stop going to school activities.

Maintain family traditions even when

teens complain about them.

Insist that your teen share in familychores and responsibilities.




Chapter 14: In Conclusion

o

The common characteristic for kids who thrive inadolescence is that they have adults in their lives who careabout them, pay attention to them and love them.

o

One way to meet some of the behavior challenges with loveis to accentuate the positive so that we don’t fall into thetrap of only responding to negatives (sandwich approach).

o

The real test in parenting a teen is loving while expectinglittle in return and being willing to carry/guide our kids fromone precarious position to the next.

o

Control is not key. Connection is (2 types of connectionsdiscussed in the book brain connections and emotionalconnections).

Why Do They Act That Way

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