When life gives you lemons make margaritas-Looking after yourself after separation or divorce
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Transcript of When life gives you lemons make margaritas-Looking after yourself after separation or divorce
A bit about me!
Clarissa RaywardDirector Brisbane Family Law Centre
Accredited Family Law SpecialistMediator & Collaborative Family Lawyer
Also known as “The Happy Family Lawyer”www.thehappyfamilylawyer.com
Today we are joined by-
Sophie JordanIntern Psychologist
Brisbane Family Law Centre
How will this work?• Please ask questions
• This is general information and remember you should obtain advice specific to your family
What are we going to cover?
Self care after separationGrief and LossWhat can you do while grieving?What helps immediately following separation?Life After GriefRe-examine and re-structureSupporting Children Through GriefWarning Signs of Depression
Likely to feel loss of• The relationship & companionship• Finances and sense of financial
security• Time with children• A component of your identity• Your anticipated future
Grief and Loss
1. Disbelief (or shock) – feeling confused, numb, overwhelmed
2. Anger – towards self, ex-partner, others, God/the universe
3. Sadness – sense of loss.4. Bargaining (self-blame) – I would’ve, should’ve,
could’ve5. Re-integration – feeling healed, less emotional pain
Think of grief as not just a process within itself, but also a means to an end, which is re-integration
Stages of Grief
• Your feelings are normal and valid• Allow yourself to feel emotions and don’t try
to bypass grief• Wanting to bypass grief is normal• Tips for accessing grief and feeling emotions-Being brave in baby-steps-Being kind and self-compassionate• Respite from grief
What can you do while grieving
• Allocate a time of day (of any length) • Have a space that’s quiet, away from children, with
no distractions, where you feel safe• In this time period & this space give yourself
permission to feel emotions without boundaries or judgment
- journaling, controlled breathing• When time is up, move back to your activities• Each time, increase the time length.• Recognise that it’s brave to let yourself feel grief
Being brave in baby steps
• Being hard on yourself doesn’t work• Trying to push against grief or push
through grief doesn’t work• Being kind to yourself does work• Practice self-compassion – speaking to
yourself the way you would speak to your best friend
• Allocate self-time to relax once a day
Kindness & Self Compassion
• Grief isn’t a structured process• You’ll have mini periods of “grief
amnesia” – being happy and grief isn’t apparent
• Respite is normal, healthy and important• You will snap back into grief – re-shock• Respite is the mechanism that lessens
grief and moves you into re-integration
Respite from Grief
Ask yourself - • What are you doing?• Why do you enjoy what you’re doing?• Who are you with?• How strong was your grief (or negative
emotions) when you snapped back into grief? – scale of 1 to 10
• How can you increase opportunities for respite?
If you never experience respite consider talking to a counsellor, psychologist or GP
How to use Respite
• Seek support • Minimise Stress and
unhelpful behaviour• Cope with anxiety
What Helps Immediately After Separation
• Online support groups• Enlist a confidant• Concrete and emotional support• Build your friendship network • Parenting support – Triple P, 123
Magic, child psychologist
Social Support
Stress - • Change as little as possible• Work out short term living and child contact
arrangements• Get into a routineUnhelpful Behaviours - • Avoid alcohol and drugs• Avoid Facebook and social networkingHelpful Behaviours - • Sleep, eating and exercise
Minimising Stress, Unhelpful Behaviours & Helpful Behaviours
• The unknown is frightening and creates anxiety
• People generally try to escape anxiety• Trying to escape leads to avoidance or
increased anxiety• Learn to “sit with anxiety” – build a
tolerance- Make up a catch phrase• Brainstorm all possible futures
Cope with Anxietyabout the Future
• Be completely honest with yourself• Re-examine your relationships• Re-examine your values and goals- Goals, things you want to achieve- Values, underlying principles or traits that you consider important in life- Your values will lead you to your goals• Start re-structuring
Life after Grief
• Protect your children from your own grief and conflict
• Give them time and space to grieve• Be cautious and wise about
introducing a new partner• Seek support for your children – make
sure they have someone to talk to
Supporting children through grief
• Feeling helpless or hopeless• Loss of interest in daily activities, previously enjoyed
activities or your ability to feel pleasure• Appetite or weight changes• Sleep changes• Anger or irritability• Concentration problems• Loss of energy• Self-loathing• Reckless behaviourhttp://www.helpguide.org
Warning signs of depression
1. Allow yourself to experience the grief process and utilise respite
2. Avoid contact and conflict with your ex-partner
3. Give yourself time to re-examine and re-structure before beginning a new relationship
4. Protect your children from conflict and understand their grief
5. Access social support and professional support
Sophie’s Top 5 Tips for Surviving Separation
Any Questions?
Wednesday 10 September 12.30pm
THANK YOU!