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What To Do When Everyone Is Screaming

Betsy Evans

Conflict Resolution Specialist

HighScope Consultant

www.highscope.org

www.KidsandConflict.com

betsy@kidsandconflict.com

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The HighScope Problem-Solving Steps

1. Approach calmly Get on the child’s level & use a gentle voice

2. Acknowledge feelings Name feelings & hold the object in dispute; set limits

3. Gather information Ask: “What’s the problem?”

4. Restate the problem Repeat what each child has said.

5. Ask children for solutions and choose one together

Ask: “What can we do to solve this problem?”

6. Give follow-up support Encourage with specifics and stay nearby until the solution is working.

www.highscope.org

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Problem-solving Actions & Phrases

(what to do and say when using the Six Steps)

1. Place yourself between children, on their level.

Use a calm voice and gentle touch.

2. “You look really upset.” If needed, set limits positively: “pushing needs to stop”, & hold the object.

3. “What’s the problem?” Or describe the problem you see and look for yes or no response.

4. “So the problem is…”

5. “What can we do to solve this problem?”

Encourage children to think of solutions.

6. “You solved the problem!” Describe details and give follow-up support.

www.KidsandConflict.com

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Problem-Solving Top Tips

1. Place yourself between the children, on their level.

Top tips: * Calm yourself: breathe!

* Think positively about outcomes

* Use a gentle tone of voice

* Quickly and gently stop any hurting

* Do not force children to look at you

2. “You look really upset.” Top tips: * Place your hands on disputed objects & say “I’m

going to hold this until we figure out the problem”. Keep

objects in view.

* Make eye contact with children & use their names.

* Name feelings repeatedly until children are calmer.

* Do not ask questions when children are upset.

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3. “What’s the problem?” Top tips: * Ask “what” questions, not “why” questions.

* Listen carefully for the details of the problem.

4. “So the problem is…” Top tips: * Restate the details, using children’s words.

* Reframe any hurtful comments; set limits on hurtful

actions if necessary, naming feelings as you do it. (eg. “You are

feeling very angry and name-calling needs to stop.”)

5. “What can we do to solve this problem?” Top tips: * Encourage children’s ideas for solutions. Ask other

children if needed.

* When ideas are vague (“let’s share!”), ask “what will

that look like? What will you do?”

6. “You solved the problem!” Top tip: *Describe what children did that worked, with details,

avoiding empty praise like “good job”. Tell the children exactly

what they did or said that worked so they can repeat it next

time.

www.kidsandconflict.com

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Extrinsic Motivation Factors

* Fear of punishment, shame, threats, guilt

* Desire for new “things”: toys, candy, stickers

When children are extrinsically motivated, the behaviors and

skills created are dependent on adults. As a result of this

dependence, rather than independence, the outcome is short

term rather than long term skills.

Intrinsic Motivation Factors

* Enjoyment or fun

* Personal interest or need

* Control or choice

* High probability of success

* Likely to become skilled

When children are intrinsically motivated, the behaviors and

skills that are created are independent – they belong to the

child – and as a result they are long term life skills.

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Fire Truck Conflict

Tamar: Oh, whoa, guys, I hear some frustrated-sounding kids. Is there a problem over here? (Tamar places her hand on the truck) Steps: Olivia: It’s mine. Armaan take it from me! Tamar: Oh, so you think this is yours and Armaan took it from you. Did you hear what Olivia said, Armaan? Step: Armaan: No! Tamar: She thinks that this is hers and you took it from her? Can you tell me what you wanted to do with the fire truck? Armaan: I want to play with the fire truck. Step: Tamar: Oh, so the problem is, Olivia was playing with the fire truck and Armaan wants to play with the fire truck. Step: Armaan: No, no! Tamar: That’s not the problem? Armaan: No, no! Tamar: Olivia, what do you think we should do to solve our problem? Step: Olivia: We can use the timer. Tamar: Oh, what would that look like? Olivia: Solve our problem. Tamar: So you think the timer would solve the problem. Let me get the timer. So what should we do? How can we use the timer to solve our problem? Step: Armaan, I’m going to hold this (fire truck) until we figure it out. Step: Armaan: I want to play with the fire truck. Tamar: I know. Armaan wants to play with the fire truck AND Olivia wants to play with the fire truck. Step: Armaan: I’m going to play with the fire truck after Olivia. Tamar: We HAVE a problem. Oh, did you say you’re going to play with it after Olivia? Armaan: Yeah. Tamar: That might solve the problem. What do you think? Step: Olivia: Yes! Tamar: Okay, when will we know that it’s Armaan’s turn? Step:

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Armaan: I want a turn. Tamar: I hear you. You really want a turn. Step: So should we use the timer? Step: Olivia: No, do before me! Tamar: He’s going to do… Olivia: Before! Tamar: Oh, he’s going to go before you? (to Armaan) Oh, so do you want to go before Olivia? Step: Armaan: Yes. Tamar: Okay. And Olivia, how will we know when it’s your turn? (pause) You’re really thinking hard about it. Step: Olivia: He’ll give it back to me. Tamar: He’ll give it back to you. Step: Olivia: It’ll make…he happy. Tamar: It will make him really happy. That’s really kind of you to be thinking about Armaan’s feelings, Olivia. Step: Tamar: So I have a question — (to child who shows Tamar something: I’m a little busy now, so wait a sec) — So Olivia, can Armaan use this for as long as he wants to? Or should we use this timer so we know when his turn is finished? Step: Olivia: He go before me! Tamar: Oh, so he can go before you. And what are you going to do while he plays with the fire truck Step: Olivia: This one (a truck). Tamar: That’s a great idea. You can play with a different one. Armaan, Olivia, did we solve our problem? Children: Yeah. Tamar: You guys really thought about it hard. You solved the problem. Step: Olivia: We didn’t need the timer after all. Tamar: We didn’t need the timer after all. We can put it up here for another time. (Armaan and Olivia begin to play with different trucks.) from DVD: “I Want All the Turns! Supporting Children in Resolving Problems and Conflicts”, HighScope Press, 2013

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Strategies for Acknowledging Feelings

State feelings concretely: for example, “You are feeling upset” or “I can see you are really angry.” Do not ask questions about feelings. Make statements describing feelings.

Reframe children’s hurtful words as you acknowledge feelings: for example, if Tommy has said to Joe, “you’re not my friend!” reframe to Tommy, “You’re feeling very angry (frustrated, sad, upset) with Joe.”

If necessary, state a limit as part of the acknowledgement: for example, “Mary, hitting needs to stop. You are feeling very angry because David has the truck and you want it. I know you’re very angry.”

Let children know that you need to hold objects in dispute until agreement is reached: for example, “I’m going to hold this while we figure out the problem.”. Do not ask (they will likely say no). Put your hands on the object and make a gentle statement that you are going to hold it. Keep the object within the children’s reach and in full view..

Watch for signs that children have fully expressed their feelings: for example, the body relaxes, crying stops, voice tones soften, children’s actions or words change. When this happens, move on to, “what’s the problem?”

If necessary, acknowledge feelings many times until the child begins to calm: If a child is very upset, give extra time and acknowledgement. If a child refuses to discuss what is happening, or if crying or shouting resumes, name feelings again until the child or children calm down.

Adapted by Betsy Evans from

You Can’t Come to My Birthday Party! Conflict Resolution with Young Children

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When children are very upset:

Avoid: questions

“it’s ok”

“calm down”

“use your words”

“stop that fussing”

Instead : get on the child’s level

gently reach out

use a calm voice

name feelings

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Quotes from PowerPoint:

Dr. Shonkoff, MD, Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University

(from PPT clip)

“The healthy development of young children in the early years of life

literally does provide a foundation for just about all of the challenging

social problems that our society and other societies face.”

“If a child is emotionally well put together and socially competentent,

that will affect more positive and effective learning. If a child is

preoccupied with fears or anxieties, or is dealing with considerable

stress, no matter how intellectually gifted that child might be, his or her

learning is going to be impaired by that emotional interference. When

we talk about healthy development in the early years, particularly when

we talk about preparing children to succeed in school, we cannot

separate cognitive development from social-emotional development.

You can’ have one without the other. “

“All development builds on what comes before.”

“It’s better to get it right the first time, then to try and fix it later.”

Jane Healy, Your Child’s Growing Mind, 1994

“ The emotional brain… [ is] an integral part of the circuitry that

activates and directs messages to the cortex, and the crux of the

attention system. It can either facilitate learning or, quite literally, shut

down the thinking systems…”

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