What Tara And Tina Taught Me About Love

February14,2011PeterGumbrecht

WhatTaraandTinaTaughtMeAboutLove

Therearetwowomenwhohaveleftsuchanindeliblemarkonmyheart,thatIcanhardlyclaimit’smyownanymore.Althoughwemayresignourselvestofateortoluckdecidingthe“where”andthe“when”ofourromanticentanglements,stubbornlyanderroneouslyweassumethatwecontrolthe“whom”.Icantellyouthisissimplynottrue.

I

Tara

I’llneverforgetthedayImetTara.Itwasattheairport,thebaggageclaimtobeexact.Reddish‐blondehair,bigbrowneyesandimpossiblylongeyelashes;shehadthesortofbewilderedlookyougetafteralonguncomfortableflightacrossthecountry.Shelookedutterlylost.Istillrememberhercatchingmyeye,herheadtiltedtothesidejustslightly,andholdingmygaze.Andthenithappened;slowlyatfirst,butgainingmomentum,withenoughenthusiasmtocauseherwholebodytomove,shebeganwagginghertail…didImentionthatshewasaGoldenRetriever?Iwasgone.Wespentelevenamazingyearstogether.So,whatdidsheteachme?

Patience

Tarawantedtomakemehappy,tomakeeveryonehappy,butittakestimetolearnthemyriadofrulesthatwehumanslivewith.Adoginstinctuallyunderstandsthatthereisnorealdifferencebetweenthekitchenfloorandthebedasaplacetosleep,orwhatyoucandoto(oron)aplantindoorsasopposedtooutside,orthedifferencebetween“our”foodandtheirs.It’suptoustopatientlyteachthemtheseandamillionothersubtletiesthatmeannothingtothemandperhapstoomuchtous.Tarawasallowedononechair,butnotthecouch.ShecouldeatscrapsoffoodifIputtheminherbowl,butnotifIleftthemontheplate.Shecouldplaywithmesometimes,butothertimesnot‐I’msurethiswasalwaysbafflingtoher,howcouldsheknowwhatitmeanstobeonthephoneordoingworkonthecomputer?Shewouldtrytoenticemewithdifferenttoys,notlettingmyrejectiondampenherenthusiasm,untilfinally,shewouldgiveup,collapseonthefloorwithasighandcontinuewatchingmethroughheavylids,incase,justincase,Ichangedmymind.Slowlyandpatiently,shelearnedallofthesesillyrulesandIlearnedhowlittlemostofthemreallymatter.WhenIlookback,Idon’tthinkabouthowwellTaralearnedtosit(shelearnedhowtositfine,shejustneverreallygotthehangofstayingseated),oranyothercommand,Ithinkofherrunningorswimming,exercisingherwill,notmine.Theyonlylearnourrulestopleaseus,theyhumorus.

Loyalty

It’smayseemthatpeopleoverstatetheloyaltyoftheirdogs,andIwilladmit,therewereveryfewpeopleTaradidn’tlove‐Iamprettysureshewouldhavehappily


followedjustaboutanyonehome.Ontheotherhand,puttingalackofdiscriminationaside,Ihaveyettomeetadogthatwasafraidtocommit.AsplayfulasTarawas,herloyaltyhadadeeplyprotectiveside.Once,walkingdownthestreetshesensedthemenaceinadogcrouchednearafence.Thedoglungedatme,butbeforeIcouldact,Tarahadflownacrossmybodyandinaflashoffurhadthedog,whoout‐weighedherbyaneasyfiftypounds,onhisbackwithherpawsonhischestandneck,herteethbared.Asmywould‐beattackermeeklysubmitted,Imarveledthatthiswasthesamecreaturewholikedtosleepinmybedandwhenwewrestledalwaysquicklysubmittedtoreceiveatummyrub.AsIsaid,theyhumorus.

WhenIwasluckyenoughtotake18monthssabbaticalandsailmyboatona25,000‐milejourneyofalifetime,Tarawasrighttherewithme.Shekeptmecompanyondeckinthemiddleofthenight,understarsthatcontinuallyshiftedandreconfiguredwithourchanginglatitudes.Nomatterwherewewereheaded,shewascontenttobethereatmyside.Sheshowedmethathomeisinthemiddleofadistantocean,watchingthesunslowlyriseintheeasttogether,greetingonemoreinaseeminglyendlessstringofperfectdays.

Forgiveness

Well,maybeforgivenessisastretch,butlet’scallitputtingthepastinthepast,whereitbelongs.Dogsdon’tholdgrudges,don’tbringupthepastandrarelysulk.Theyliveinthepresent.Earlyon,mylackofexperiencewithtrainingadogledtofrustration.ItwassohardtounderstandthedifferencebetweenhavingawellbehaveddogbecauseitwouldmakeherliveahappierlifeandsimplywantinghertodowhatIaskedformyowngratification.Tarawasanenthusiasticpuppywithastrongwill.Elevenyearslater,whensheleftus,shewasanenthusiasticdogwithastrongwill.Shedidnotchange,butIdid.Imadesomanymistakesearly,butTaraneverhelditagainstme.TherewasthetimethatthedoggydaycarereturnedhertomyhouseadayearlierthanIwasduetoarrivehomefromatrip.Shewasstillapuppy,stillcrate‐training.Theyleftinherinhercrateinthefoyerforalmosttwenty‐fourhoursalone‐IstillfeelsickwhenIthinkaboutit.WhenIcamehome,mygirlwasshakinginhercrate,sogladtoseeme,butinsuchdiscomfortfromholdingherbusinessforallthattime.Afteraquickrunoutsideformuchneededreliefandquicklydispatchingsomefoodandwater,shewascompletelyherselfagainandreadytoplay.Shewasalreadypastit;tothisdayIamnot.

ThentherewasthetimeIcamehometofindthatshehadchasedatennisballintothepotterofarecentlywateredplantinmylivingroom.TheresultwassomethinglikeaJacksonPollockstudyinmudonmyrecentlypaintedwalls.Thebeigecouchandsisalcarpethadperfectbrownpawprintsrunningriotacrossthem.Ididn’tknowifithadhappenedandhour,twohoursor,fifteenminutesago.Itdidn’tmatter.TherewasnolessontoteachTarasofarafterthefact,buttherewasalessontoformetolearn;letitgo.IgrabbedTara’sleashandatennisball(nottheoffendingone)andoffwewenttoplay.IwillsaythatafterthatincidentIneveragainleftloosetennisballslyingaroundwhenIwentout,andTaraneverredecoratedmyhouse.Puttingthepastbehindyouandmovingon.Avoidingthetemptationtobring


upoldgrievances,well,becauseyoucan’twithadog.Acceptingeachother,faultsandall.Ittooktime,butIrealizedthatbeingacceptedforexactlywhoyouareisthegreatestgiftintheworld.It’snotthatyoudon’ttrytobebetter,butnoneofusshouldbeviewedasprojects,tobemoldedintosomeoneelse’sideaofperfection.

Aginggracefully

Tara’stimeonthisearthwasfartooshort.Inelevenyearsshecompletelychangedmylife.AndwhenIthinkbackonheratdifferentages,theywereallwonderful.Tarathepuppy,jumpingandplaying,hardlyabletocontrolhergrowingbody.Tarainherprime,swimmingformilesatatimeandwhenshetired,notknowinghowtosimplyfloat,comingtomyoutstretchedarmsandlettingmetreadwaterforbothofus,untilshehadherbreathback,andswamoffagain.Taraassheaged,withjustalittlebitofwhitearoundhermuzzle;stillthepuppyandstilltheproudcompanion,butlessinterestedinotherdogsandmoreinterestedinstayingclosetoherpeople.Shewasstillapuppyatheartandplayedfetchrightupuntilherlastday.Shedidn’tneedtolookinthemirrortoknowwhoshewas.Shedidn’tneedtoworryaboutbehaving“likeandadult”.Shetookherlifeexperiencesastheycameandmatured,butneverreallychanged.Tarahelpedmetolookforwardtogettingolder,helpedmetorealizethatalthoughtheyouthandbeautyofspringmightbethefirstthingsthatattractus,andthelullofsummer’seasycomfortmightbewhatkeepsusfromwandering,itisautumnthat’stherealreward.Thedeepbeautyofautumn,withit’swarmdaysandcoolnights,it’sdeepandvariedcolors,it’stexturesandsmells;theculminationofallthathascomebefore.Thisiswhereweareallheadingandmayweallbeluckyenoughtoarrivetherewithsomeone.

II

Tina

OnmyfirstdatewithTina,wewenttoaFrenchrestaurant.FromthemomentsheorderedavodkamartiniwithRoquefortstuffedolives,IsuspectedIwasinforanadventure.Orderingthefoigrasappetizerandentrecôteápointprettymuchconfirmedmythoughts;Iwasinthepresenceofanoriginal,someonewhowasperfectlycomfortablebeingherself.Nosaladsandsodawater,forTina;whywouldyougotoaFrenchrestaurantforthat?BytheendofthemealIhadmovedaroundfrommysideofthetabletohers.Ineededtogetclosertothisperson,amazedthattherewerenobarriersandnoartifice.Itwasthemostfun,mostfluid,mosthonestdateI’veeverbeenon.Shewassocharmingandfunny‐andImeantrulyfunny,laughthroughyournosefunny.Asshetalked,Itookitallin;herbeautifulbrowneyes,herlongblondehair,herperfectsmile.Myheartwasalreadygone.Well,Ithought,attheveryleastIhavethisperfectmomenttoremember.We’llseewhattomorrowbrings,tomorrow.Andasthetomorrowshaveaddedupandrunseamlesslyintoastringofyears,whathasTinataughtme?


Thebearablelightnessofbeing

Formostofmylife,Iassumedthatstrifeandstrugglewerethenaturalorderofthings.Westruggletogetahead,wefighttoprotectourpositions,andwepushagainstthatwhichwouldpushusfirst.Sadly,myrelationshipsseemedtofollowthatpattern.Therealwaysseemedtobeatest,therealwaysseemedtobeacontestofwills.AsmuchasIthoughtIwantedatranquil,healthyrelationship,Iwascontinuallyattractingthecompleteopposite.AndthentherewasTina.Nodrama.Notests.Nodesiretochangeherselforme.I’llbehonest,itfeltodd.Shouldn’tourrelationshipbeaworkinprogress?Nope.Shouldn’tweconstantlybechallengingourselvestoshowourcommitment?Nope.Shouldn’twebecreating“bigmoments”thatdefinerelationships?Certainlynot!TinaisashappybeingherselfasanyoneIhaveevermet.Sheisalso,somewhatinexplicably,contentwithmebeingmyself.I’mnotsayingthatweneverfight,butlet’ssaythatasoftenasnot,it’smeprobingandprodding,revertingtoabrokenworld‐viewthatsaysnothingthatisthisgoodcanbethiseasy.

Earlyon,wehadscheduledatriptoLasVegastogether.AboutaweekbeforethetripIlostmyjob.TherewasnowayIcouldgo.IdreadedtellingTina,Idreadedthedisappointmentandtheembarrassmentofit.IwasdefensivewhenIcalledher,readyfortheinevitablefight.TinalistenedtowhatIhadtosaywithoutsayingaword.Ihavealwaysbeenuncomfortablewithsilencesinargumentsandtendtofillthemupbyrepeatingandre‐justifyingmyself.Iassumed,ofcourse,thatthiswasanargument,notTina.Finallyshespoke;shecalmlyexplainedthatshewasverydisappointed,andverysorryaboutthejob.She’dbehappytopaymyway,don’tworryaboutit.Therewassimplynowaymypridewasgoingtoallowthattohappen.Allrightthen,butshehadmadethehotelreservationsalready,soshewouldsimplygoaheadalone.What?Wasthisatest?Wasshetryingtoguiltmeintogoing,throwingdownandearlymarkinthesandforourrelationship?Ididn’tknowTinawellenoughyet.TinawantedtogotoVegas,shewouldhavemuchrathergonewithme,butwhywouldshepassontheopportunitysimplybecauseIcouldn’t,ormorecorrectly,wouldn’tgo?Shewent.Shesentmetextsthroughouttheweekend.Iespeciallylikedreceivingtextsfromherduringadinneratafivestarrestaurant.Abeautiful,elegantwomandiningalone:shehadthemaitred’,waitersandsommeliertrippingoverthemselvestoimpressher.Ofcourse,withTinathat’sbesidethepoint.Shewashappytobethereinherowncompanyandwashappytosharetheexperiencewithmehowevershecould.

IsupposeI’mabitcompetitiveandIliketotestmyself.IsuspectImusthaveanadrenalindeficiencythatdrivesmeseekoutphysicalchallengesandadventuretocompensate.Ihadcarriedthathabitoverintomyrelationships.Istillliketothrowmyselfupagainstthings,butittookTinatoshowmethatwhileit’soktolookforthatkindofchallengeintheoutsideworld,insidearelationshipitcanbelightnessandpeace.


Beyourself

Tinaisastunningwoman.Shehasabeautiful,delicatefacewithlightlysprinkledfrecklesaccentingapertScandinaviannosethatsheinheritedfromherIcelandicmother.GodgaveTinathefigurethatmostofHollywoodseeksthroughanever‐endingseriesofappointmentswithplasticsurgeons.Shealsohasaraucous,goofyandirreverentsenseofhumor.Sowithallthat,tomygreatdismay,sheoftengoesoutinbaggyjeans,looseshirtsandhairpulledback.It’snotthatIwantalittleblackdresseverynight,norskintightjeansandhighheals‐ohhell,whoamIkidding,that’sexactlywhatIwant.Orwantedinthebeginning.IfeltshallowwantinghertodressacertainwayandthoughtIcouldcleverlymanipulatethesituationsoasnottoshowmytrueintentions.IwouldaskTinawhatIshouldwearwhenwewentout,hopingthatshewouldthenaskformyinputintoheroutfit.Itneverworked.Youalwayslooknice,shewouldtellme,wearwhateveryoulike.Leavingmewithoutmycleveropeningtoweighinonherclothes.Eventually,guiltgnawingatmefordoingit,Iaskedherifshewouldn’tminddressingupeverynowandthen…Sure,shesaid.Thatsimple.Sheevenhadsomefunatmyexpense‐andtomybenefit,Isuppose;aftershoppingoneday,shesentmeatext“Dr.Frankenstein,you’remonsteriscomplete!”Shearrivedbagsinhandandproceededtoshowmethebeautiful,tastefulclothesshehadpickedup‐farbetterthananythingIwouldhavechosen‐allthewhilegentlyteasingmeformyvanity.Shedoesstillwearherbaggyjeans,butifitmakesmehappytoseeherdressedupeverynowandthen,she’shappytooblige.Andwhatdoessheaskofmeinreturn?Ifyou’vebeenreadingclosely,youknowtheanswer‐notathing,justbeyourself.

Courageandgrace

Tinawasdiagnosedwithbreastcancerlastyear.TheinitialdiagnosesofStageIwasuppedtoStageIIandfinallyborderlineStageIII.Asimplelumpectomybecameadoublemastectomyandmonthsofchemotherapy.Shedidnotfeelsorryforherself,shedidnotstoptoask“whyme?”shesimplysquaredhershouldersandfacedthechallengeheadon.IwentwithTinatoallthedoctors’appointments,tryingtofindaroleformyselfinherjourney.Researchingonline,askingquestions,keepingnotes,tryingtofreeherfromsomeofthemoremundaneworries‐trying,ifIcould,toprotectherfrombeingoverwhelmed.Whenwesawthefacilitywherethechemotreatmentsweretobeadministered,Iwasdismayed.Itwasoldanddingylookingwithwornoutfurnitureanddimlighting.Iimmediatelysetouttofindadifferentfacility,somethingbrighterandnewer,somethingthatwouldliftTina’sspiritwhileherbodywasbeingsubjectedtotheravagesofthetreatments.Afteracoupleofdaysofsearching,Tinaaskedmetostop.I’vethoughtaboutitalot,shetoldme.Maybeit’snotaboutusbeinginabrightnewfacilitytoliftourspirits;maybeit’saboutusbringingsomehumorandhappinesstoliftthespiritsofthepatientsattheolderfacility.Ifeltlikecrying,myhearthasneverfeltsofull.Inthemiddleofherordeal,Tinawasthinkingabouthowshecouldmakethingsbetterforothers.Theworldworksinfunnywaysandasitturnsout,afteroursecondtreatment,theold


facilitywasscheduledtoclose.AbrandnewstateoftheartfacilitywasreadyattheRoyandPatriciaDisneyCancerCenter.Theoldfacilitywasabitshabbybecausethemovewasalreadyinprogress.ThenewfacilitywasexactlywhatIhadimaginedforTina,filledwithfloortoceilingwindowsandmagnificentviews,buttruthbetold,itwasreallynobetterthantheoldone.ItwasTina’shumorandspiritthatgaveeachplaceitslight.

WhenherhairstartedcomingoutandTinadecidedtoshaveherhead,therewerenotears.Shefirsthadamulletstyled,thenaMohawkandfinally,abeautifulsmoothlyshavedhead,hammingitupforthecameraateachstepoftheway.Breathtaking.I’dneverimaginedthatshecouldbesobeautifulbald.Therewerealsowigs,eachonewithadifferentnameandsheletfriendsdecidewhichone,ornone,mightcomeoutonagivenevening.Nothingbroughtherdownorslowedherdown.Sheexercisedrightthroughthetreatments.TherewasatriptoIcelandtoseefamilyinthemiddleofthechemo.Iwasscaredtodeaththatwithherweakenedimmunesystem,shewouldcatchsomethingontheflight.NotTina,shehastheconstitutionofaViking.Throughtreatmentsandsurgery,badnewsandgoodnews,alwayskeepinghersenseofhumor,sheprevailed,alwaysliftingthespiritsofothers.

Howeasyitistolovesomeonewhentimesaregood,butisthatreallylove?Howdoweactwhenthingsarebad?That’sthefirethatforgestruelove.Ihaveexperiencedmanyadventuresinmylife;Ihavetraveledandlivedaroundtheworld,Ihavefacedgreatdangerandseengreatbeauty.SincemeetingTina,myonlyregrethasalwaysbeenthatIdidn’thaveherwithmeonthoseearlierjourneys.ButrecentlyI’verealizedthatthispastyearwasthegreatestadventureofthemall,filledwithdangerandbeauty,laughterandtearsandamazingly,itwasTinawhotookmealong.

III

Mygirls

Ofcourse,TinawastherewhenTaraleftthisearth.Theywere,naturally,inseparable.ItwasthedayafterwearrivedhomefromIceland.Tarawaitedforustosayhergoodbyeandinanactoftrueunselfishness,waitedlongenoughforTinatoracethirtymilesacrossLosAngelesrushhourtrafficinthirtyminutes(don’teverarguewithmethatthedivinedoesn’toccasionallythrowamiracleourway).Shemusthavesensedthatevenwithalongroadoftreatmentsahead,Tinawasgoingtobeallright,orI’msureshewouldhavefoundawaytostay.Andwithherpassing,oneofthetwogreatlovesofmylifeleftthisworld,butshewillneverleavemyheart.ThelessonsTarataughtmebecomeclearereveryday:patience,loyalty,forgivenessandtheartofagingbeautifullytogether.Asformyothergreatlove,I’mstilllearning.Day‐by‐daythisadventurecontinuesandTinahasbeenkindenoughtoletmeshareitwithher.

What Tara And Tina Taught Me About Love

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