RELATIONSHIPS

What are things people do to attract others?

History of relationships research

Early “computer dating” studies People say physical attractiveness isn’t

that important, but studies show it’s a major factor in attraction.

Predictors of attraction (target)

Physical attractiveness (similar across cultures)

Females: large lips, high cheekbones, big eyes, small nose

Men: strong jaw, big eyes, large smile Facial symmetry

“Averaged” faces are more symmetrical http://

www.faceresearch.org/demos/average Similarity to early “hard to get” research

—we like those that are hard for others to get, but easy for us to get!

And it doesn’t just matter for romantic relationships Physically attractive children are punished

less Physically attractive defendants get lighter

sentences Plain people make 5-10% less than average-

looking people, who make about 4% less than very physically attractive people (controlling for gender, education, occupation, etc.)

Strong consensus across cultures Why?

What is beautiful is good stereotype Physically attractive seen as more

Sociable ExtravertedHappy PopularFriendly MatureSexually warm LikeableWell-adjusted Poised

In US/Canada, also strong, assertive, and dominant

In S. Korea, also sensitive, honest, empathic, trustworthy, generous

Other factors that increase attraction Waist-to-hip ratio of .7 for women, .1 for

men Similarity Familiarity (mere exposure and

propinquity) Misattribution of arousal Scent and fertility

Fertility effects on women Women prefer the smell of symmetrical and

genetically dissimilar men when they are ovulating (and similar men otherwise)

Women dress more fashionably They buy sexier clothing They make more money if they use

attractiveness to make money They are attracted to more masculine men

(e.g., strong jaw, deep voice, tall) They flirt more

Fertility effects on men

When a man’s partner is ovulating, he is More attentiveMore jealousSees other men as more of a threat

American humor?

http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2012/12/1/t-rex-did-not-evolve-for-romance.html

Evolutionary arguments for these effects Parental investment model For women, good genes and status

should be important in a man For men, good genes, age, and fertility

cues (e.g., waist-to-hip ratio) should be important

Cultural/situational effects as well (in most cultures men have more resources and are the “approachers” in relationships

Come back to list

Which of these are supported by research?

Jealousy effects

Imagine your partner having sex with someone else.

Imagine your partner sharing his/her deepest secrets with someone else.

Which would bother you more?

Men—more sexual jealousy Women—more emotional jealousy But:

Does one imply the other?Are men just more affected by thinking

about sex? Or are men just more avoidant?Hard to test in the real world

What is love?

What does your group think? Cultural and time differences in our

conceptions of romantic love Love (for North Americans at least) is

like chocolate or cocaine: it activates the dopamine-rich pleasure centers of the brain

Passionate vs. companionate love Passionate: intense longing with arousal.

I would feel deep despair if X left me. My thoughts are often on X. I would rather be with X than anyone else. X always seems to be on my mind.

Companionate love: intimacy and affection. I have confidence in the stability of my relationship with X. I am committed to X. I expect my love for X to last the rest of my life.

Secure

I find it relatively easy to get close to others an am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close.

Avoidant

I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. I feel it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets close and often romantic partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.

Anxious

I fin that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.

Attachment theory (Bowlby, Hazen & Shaver)

Our experiences with parents and later partners can affect how we view relationships

Avoidance: Amount of trust in other people; High avoidance believes that others can’t be counted on, less likely to believe in romantic love, etc.

Anxious: Fear that others will reject them

Attachment styles can change Affect how we act in relationships, not

necessarily whether we stay together

Predictors of relationship success Make a list

Investment Model (Rusbult) Commitment (whether you stay in a

relationship) is predicted bySatisfaction

○ Rewards – costs○ What you expect in a relationship

AlternativesInvestments

Investment model

Predicts 50-90% of commitment in relationships of all types (dating, marriage, domestic abuse, homosexual, jobs)

Predicts willingness to accommodate Predicts when people will derogate

alternatives

How to have a good relationship

Surprise as important (Berscheid, 1983) Novel, exciting activities (Aron) Positive attributions Assume they love you and make them

feel loved (Murray) Remember the positive Think you’re better than other couples Be accurate but positive (Fletcher) Others from the readings

Breakups

Who falls in love first? Who says it first? Who does hearing it make happiest? Who falls out of love faster? Who initiates more breaksups? Who is more interested in staying

friends?

Gottman research

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oB6zNcLIH0

4 horsemen of the apocalypseContemptStonewallingDefensivenessCriticism

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fTAKtDB8fY

How interconnected are we? Six degrees of Kevin Bacon

It also only takes about 6-7 steps to get to another person in the same country by mail

Or to anyone among the millions of people on the internet (email study and Microsoft messenger project)

So can the internet help you find love? By 2005, 37% of single people who

used the internet used it to date online (higher today)

By 2007-2009, more relationships began online than any other method other than meeting through friends

Does it make for better relationships? Not necessarily. No evidence that match

algorithms actually help Emailing for too long before meeting can be

bad for the relationship—you can’t find out some important things online

When people have more choices, they tend to make worse decisions

People are often deceptive (height, weight, age)

Pictures are often misleading (32% in one study, though they didn’t realize it)

More deceptive ads

Use fewer “I” and “me” Use more negative phrases (e.g., “not

judgmental” instead of “open-minded”) Use fewer words overall

Speed dating

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hOKtyQMZeE

Friends with benefits

http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2012/3/2/are-you-a-booty-call-or-a-friend-with-benefits.html