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60th Birthday Biography

Transcript of Weaver News

  • TheWeaver News Tuesday 6th March 2012

    Y es, it is exactly 60 years today since Martin Weaver was born. 60 years since his Mother gave birth to the

    wonderfully talented, exceptionally intel-ligent, undeniably gorgeous and of course modest Martin. Just about every-one who knows Martin is astounded by how good he looks for his age.

    Martin works for Mrs Weaver and many of his friends thought he was at least ten years younger than he is. Martin's im-peccable dress sense combines style and fashion but this is only one factor in his youthful appearance. Martin's bur-nished hair (he insists it is the natural colour) is never anything but perfect, yet it is his piercing youthful eyes which are without doubt his most charming weapon. One glance and you can be hypnotised into doing just about any-thing Martin chooses to ask of you. A two or three second stare and you are his servant for life.

    Martin's generosity is also well known, both with his time and resources. Martin is always one of the first to lend a hand when needed, first to offer his advice and first to lend you a tenner when you are short. Although being found worse for wear on odd occasions, Martin's impeccable manners always result in formal written apologies being sent to all

    in his company, or all that he is able to recall immediately after he recovers.

    Details on how the happy event will be celebrated are yet to be finalised though it is understood that the Cumbrian Con-stabulary have drafted in additional offi-cers and cancelled all leave for the day. A Cumbrian police spokesman, Detec-tive Superintendent Simpson, said "We're not taking any chances here to-day; a close friend of the birthday boy, Graham Cherry has told us a story or two about him and we felt it best to.... let's say monitor the situation carefully."

    Throughout his 60 years Martin has al-ways been considerate and kind, always putting others before himself. His unsel-fish manner and thoughtful considera-tion for those around him are just two of the reasons he has remained such a popular and likeable character all these years

    Martin is loved by all who know him,

    particularly his close friends and family

    who are thrilled to be celebrating his

    60th birthday with him. Martin has truly

    been an excellent friend and this paper

    is privileged to be associated with such

    a fine, outstanding and truly remarkable


    Happy Birthday

    Martin Weaver!

    Special Birthday Edition

  • Britains Brain Drains to Bulgaria

    P eople ask why has this talented musician / archaeologist / artist/ social activist escaped to this Eastern European country?

    Well you may ponder. One can see the advantage of cheap housing - rumour has it their current palatial abode including walls cost just 12K.

    A better climate to accommodate his wifes desire to grow her own? Not forgetting a population who would make Methuselah feel young (an average age of 70) Commonly known by the locals as the Rich Brits or to the more worldly the Victoria and David of Kamenna Reka. This kind of reputation takes some beating.

    Perhaps it is a new challenge in their retirement that attracted them, mastering the language, food, Rakia ( only recently have they been made aware that Fanta or Coke should be added to Rakia , it should not be taken in its raw state). Thankfully Bulgaria are leading the field with liver transplants which are free if you can find a hospital with staff.

    However, there is an ulterior motive to his isolation as the many talented Martin does have a book in him which is very slowly taking shape.

    Given a couple of years the police may no longer be looking for him and he can slip under the radar back into the country, especially with the current border agency disarray!!

    errorist Caught in Car Bomb The police are looking for a suspected car bomber. They believe the man is a recent con-vert to Islam after attending a Muslim training camp in a remote area of Bulgaria. It is under-stood he entered the UK though a national air-port using the alias Dr M P Weaver and was aided and abetted by another armed and dan-gerous terrorist who has been given the code name Yo Bitch. The target for this potential bombing is unclear but MI5 have been scanning social networks

    and this has lead them to beef up the protection given to all branches of McDonalds in the East Midlands. The public have been warned not to approach this extremely dangerous man. He may now be disguised with a false beard and glasses so be alert and call your local police station if you have any suspicions. The reward for tracking this man down will be the clear and present knowledge that you have rid the streets of someone who is a danger to everyone.

  • n Search of the Past Most people are interested in their past but Dr Martin Weaver has taken this to a whole new level. This is a man who is prepared to dig his way to the centre of the planet to unearth new evidence about how our ancestors used to live; their social order and what they had for breakfast. Here we see Dr Weaver

    emerging from Hetti Peglars

    Tump after spending several

    hours attempting to find her

    G spot without success. After

    wiping the cobwebs from

    his hands and face he said with a

    wry grin there arent many people

    who can say they came out of

    such a significant hole with the

    knowledge that I was the first per-

    son to forage around for over a thousand years.

    High Speed Hearse When a revolutionary new design of Scalextric car was unveiled yester-day, using a very quick adapted dic-tating machine motor and a new lightweight body in the shape of a hearse, members of the undertak-ers confederation issued a very strong condemnation and asked for the car to be withdrawn immedi-ately. A hearse hurtling around the track in the Remdex Bradley work-shop, they felt, gave the wrong impression of their industry. When asked to comment Dr. Martin Weaver, the sole designer and constructor of the con-cept car, told them to P**s off, as he believed he had a technically bril-liant and potentially award winning car and anyway the replica coffin was securely held in place by an elastic band and after rigorous testing, on the complex and very demanding track, he was confident no embarrassment would be caused.

  • id Noah Get Planning Consent?

    It has been reported that an illegal extension to a boat, moored on the Grand Union Canal at Nether Heyford, has been carried out by

    the owner Martin Weaver. The rear ex-

    tension, almost doubling the original size of the fibreglass cabin cruiser, has been at-tached by the owner who, it would appear, has no previous experience of this type of work. When questioned, Mr Weaver insisted that he was fully within his rights, and, furthermore, had future plans to carry out more work to the boat. Local Health and Safety Officers are reported to be very concerned as to the stability of the vessel, and are to conduct a site visit in the near future. When advised of the impending examination Mr. Weaver said they could just F@?! off

    Martin Weaver - Kitchen Hero Martin Weaver and Graham Cherry were building a Burlington Arrow plan built car in Grahams garage when they heard Grahams new neighbour, Elaine Goosey, cough politely from across the dividing wall. Good morning, how are we today? said Elaine. Very well the pair replied. I wonder if you could offer me some assistance asked Elaine. Of course replied Martin, how can we help? Well said Elaine my kitchens on fire, and it was!! As the pair sprinted into the smoke filled kitchen, flames were erupting from the oven. Martin immediately leapt into action with an extinguisher and very soon had things under

    control. Of course the pie, although slightly overdone, made a nice snack for Grahams lunch.

  • The Musical Exploits of Dr Martin Weaver - a Myopic Fans View Martin Weaver, was the voice and guitars behind the music of Wicked Lady First off, Wicked Lady, for those who don't know, were a proto-doom/stoner metal band from North-ampton, UK. They released only two albums: The Axeman Cometh and Psychotic Overkill. The first one was recorded between 1968 and 1972 in a basement, and the second one was in 1972. Wicked Lady was never famous because

    every time a record company approached them, they all told them to "F*&$ off!" Fame

    was never their plan.

    They didn't play biker clubs, contrary to ob-scure fact - the biker's came to the clubs where they played. Biker gangs, like the infa-mous Hell's Angels, would show up at their venues and end up causing mini-riots out-side. When planning shows, the band would have to quietly advertise. The most infamous incident happened in a village pub where af-ter the biker riots, the pub has never played live music since. They were the loudest band around, so naturally bikers would be attracted to

    such music. Luckily, some shows were biker-free, and those were the best, according to Martin.

    The band members all went their own ways. According to Martin, "Mad Dick lived up to his name and ended up in a mental institution. He was always a bit odd hence the nick name." Bob Jeffries moved to India (completely off the face of the Earth for Martin, unlike Bulgaria) and Del Morley is a respectable sales manager. And Martin Weaver, by the way, is a doctor who specializes in fo-rensic and archaeological facial reconstruction. He still plays guitar now and then, whether it's

    Dark or smaller things.

    The back of The Axe man Cometh album says, "In the spirit of Wicked Lady, we ask you to con-sume illicit substances, turn your amplifier up to maximum, and sit ba