TheWeaver News Tuesday 6th March 2012

Y es, it is exactly

60 years today since Martin Weaver was born. 60 years since his Mother gave birth to the

wonderfully talented, exceptionally intel-ligent, undeniably gorgeous and of course modest Martin. Just about every-one who knows Martin is astounded by how good he looks for his age.

Martin works for Mrs Weaver and many of his friends thought he was at least ten years younger than he is. Martin's im-peccable dress sense combines style and fashion but this is only one factor in his youthful appearance. Martin's bur-nished hair (he insists it is the natural colour) is never anything but perfect, yet it is his piercing youthful eyes which are without doubt his most charming weapon. One glance and you can be hypnotised into doing just about any-thing Martin chooses to ask of you. A two or three second stare and you are his servant for life.

Martin's generosity is also well known, both with his time and resources. Martin is always one of the first to lend a hand when needed, first to offer his advice and first to lend you a tenner when you are short. Although being found worse for wear on odd occasions, Martin's impeccable manners always result in formal written apologies being sent to all

in his company, or all that he is able to recall immediately after he recovers.

Details on how the happy event will be celebrated are yet to be finalised though it is understood that the Cumbrian Con-stabulary have drafted in additional offi-cers and cancelled all leave for the day. A Cumbrian police spokesman, Detec-tive Superintendent Simpson, said "We're not taking any chances here to-day; a close friend of the birthday boy, Graham Cherry has told us a story or two about him and we felt it best to.... let's say monitor the situation carefully."

Throughout his 60 years Martin has al-ways been considerate and kind, always putting others before himself. His unsel-fish manner and thoughtful considera-tion for those around him are just two of the reasons he has remained such a popular and likeable character all these years

Martin is loved by all who know him,

particularly his close friends and family

who are thrilled to be celebrating his

60th birthday with him. Martin has truly

been an excellent friend and this paper

is privileged to be associated with such

a fine, outstanding and truly remarkable

man.

Happy Birthday

Martin Weaver!

Special Birthday Edition

Britain’s Brain Drains to Bulgaria

P eople ask “why has this talented musician / archaeologist / artist/ social activist escaped

to this Eastern European country?”

Well you may ponder. One can see the advantage of cheap housing - rumour has it their current palatial abode including walls cost just £12K.

A “better climate” to accommodate his wife’s desire to grow her own? Not forgetting a population who would make Methuselah feel young (an average age of 70) Commonly known by the locals as ‘the Rich Brits’ or to the more worldly the Victoria and David of Kamenna Reka. This kind of reputation takes some beating.

Perhaps it is a new challenge in their retirement that attracted them, mastering the language, food, Rakia ( only recently have they been made aware that Fanta or Coke should be added to Rakia , it should not be taken in its raw state). Thankfully Bulgaria are leading the field with liver transplants which are free if you can find a hospital with staff.

However, there is an ulterior motive to his isolation as the many talented Martin does have a book in him which is very slowly taking shape.

Given a couple of years the police may no longer be looking for him and he can slip under the radar back into the country, especially with the current border agency disarray!!

errorist Caught in Car Bomb The police are looking for a suspected car bomber. They believe the man is a recent con-vert to Islam after attending a Muslim training camp in a remote area of Bulgaria. It is under-stood he entered the UK though a national air-port using the alias Dr M P Weaver and was aided and abetted by another armed and dan-gerous terrorist who has been given the code name “Yo Bitch”. The target for this potential bombing is unclear but MI5 have been scanning social networks

and this has lead them to beef up the protection given to all branches of McDonalds in the East Midlands. The public have been warned not to approach this extremely dangerous man. He may now be disguised with a false beard and glasses so be alert and call your local police station if you have any suspicions. The reward for tracking this man down will be the clear and present knowledge that you have rid the streets of someone who is a danger to everyone.

n Search of the Past Most people are interested in their past but Dr Martin Weaver has taken this to a whole new level. This is a man who is prepared to dig his way to the centre of the planet to unearth new evidence about how our ancestors used to live; their social order and what they had for breakfast. Here we see Dr Weaver

emerging from Hetti Peglar’s

Tump after spending several

hours attempting to find her

G spot without success. After

wiping the cobwebs from

his hands and face he said with a

wry grin “there aren’t many people

who can say they came out of

such a significant hole with the

knowledge that I was the first per-

son to forage around for over a thousand years”.

High Speed Hearse When a revolutionary new design of Scalextric car was unveiled yester-day, using a very quick adapted dic-tating machine motor and a new lightweight body in the shape of a hearse, members of the undertak-ers confederation issued a very strong condemnation and asked for the car to be withdrawn immedi-ately. A hearse hurtling around the track in the Remdex Bradley work-shop, they felt, gave the wrong impression of their industry. When asked to comment Dr. Martin Weaver, the sole designer and constructor of the con-cept car, told them to “P**s off”, as he believed he had a “technically bril-liant and potentially award winning” car and anyway the replica coffin was securely held in place by an elastic band and after rigorous testing, on the complex and very demanding track, he was confident no embarrassment would be caused.

id Noah Get Planning Consent?

It has been reported that an illegal extension to a boat, moored on the Grand Union Canal at Nether Heyford, has been carried out by

the owner Martin Weaver. The rear ex-

tension, almost doubling the original size of the fibreglass cabin cruiser, has been at-tached by the owner who, it would appear, has no previous experience of this type of work. When questioned, Mr Weaver insisted that he was fully within his rights, and, furthermore, had future plans to carry out more work to the boat. Local Health and Safety Officers are reported to be very concerned as to the stability of the vessel, and are to conduct a site visit in the near future. When advised of the impending examination Mr. Weaver said they could just “F@?! off”

Martin Weaver - Kitchen Hero Martin Weaver and Graham Cherry were building a Burlington Arrow plan built car in Graham’s garage when they heard Graham’s new neighbour, Elaine Goosey, cough politely from across the dividing wall. “Good morning, how are we today?” said Elaine. “Very well” the pair replied. “I wonder if you could offer me some assistance” asked Elaine. “Of course” replied Martin, “how can we help?” “Well” said Elaine “my kitchen’s on fire”, and it was!! As the pair sprinted into the smoke filled kitchen, flames were erupting from the oven. Martin immediately leapt into action with an extinguisher and very soon had things under

control. Of course the pie, although slightly overdone, made a nice snack for Graham’s lunch.

The Musical Exploits of Dr Martin Weaver - a Myopic Fans View Martin Weaver, was the voice and guitars behind the music of Wicked Lady First off, Wicked Lady, for those who don't know, were a proto-doom/stoner metal band from North-ampton, UK. They released only two albums: The Axeman Cometh and Psychotic Overkill. The first one was recorded between 1968 and 1972 in a basement, and the second one was in 1972. Wicked Lady was never famous because

every time a record company approached them, they all told them to "F*&$ off!" Fame

was never their plan.

They didn't play biker clubs, contrary to ob-scure fact - the biker's came to the clubs where they played. Biker gangs, like the infa-mous Hell's Angels, would show up at their venues and end up causing mini-riots out-side. When planning shows, the band would have to quietly advertise. The most infamous incident happened in a village pub where af-ter the biker riots, the pub has never played live music since. They were the loudest band around, so naturally bikers would be attracted to

such music. Luckily, some shows were biker-free, and those were the best, according to Martin.

The band members all went their own ways. According to Martin, "Mad Dick lived up to his name and ended up in a mental institution. He was always a bit odd hence the nick name." Bob Jeffries moved to India (completely off the face of the Earth for Martin, unlike Bulgaria) and Del Morley is a respectable sales manager. And Martin Weaver, by the way, is a doctor who specializes in fo-rensic and archaeological facial reconstruction. He still plays guitar now and then, whether it's

Dark or smaller things.

The back of The Axe man Cometh album says, "In the spirit of Wicked Lady, we ask you to con-sume illicit substances, turn your amplifier up to maximum, and sit back in an armchair...". Mar-

tin's claim was, "we were ugly bastards anyways."

Influences for their music were Jimi Hendrix (probably for Martin's wa-wa guitar, and the fact that they covered "Voodoo Child" on the second album), Frank Zappa (being totally awesome and creative), David Gilmore (being

out of this world), and early Gary Moore

Martin Weaver made his first guitar using the neck of a jazz guitar and the body of an old electric guitar. He's left handed, and he used a Dunlop Cry-baby (which was what I sus-pected) and a Marshall Fuzz pedal (which I will get one of these days). He's left-handed like so many greats (Hendrix and Iommi for start-ers). He played guitar, but didn't sing, for Dark. There are videos of Dark playing with Martin playing, and like in Wicked Lady, he plays amazing solos. By the way, if you like Wicked

Lady then you'll love Dark.

Thank you so much for the music, Dr. Martin "Martin Weaver" Weaver. You are right: this band's his-tory would make an interesting book. But for now, it is just an interesting article.

lack Pudding Gets Out of Hand in Pubic Display

There are times in everyone’s life when they have to come clean on what they’ve been hiding all their lives. Dr Martin Weaver had managed to keep his dark secret for many years and was in his late fifties before the truth

came out. On a surprisingly warm February afternoon Dr Weaver

allowed his guard to drop and in a moment of distraction he allowed his black sausage to get out of hand and the thermal effect of the sun helped it to expand beyond everyone’s expectations. There was disbelief and consternation around the garden as the membrane grew and grew and kept growing until it became quite erect. Dr Weaver’s wife stood back, watching with a wide grin, the grin of someone who had known and enjoyed this

secret for many years. When interviewed after the event Dr Weaver explained that this display wasn’t a common

occurrence but when the weather conditions were right – warm, calm air and he was in the mood this experience wasn’t that unusual. Dr Weaver didn’t

want the

inevitable acclaim

and was flattered

at the suggestion

that he should

contact the Guinness Book of Records but for now the black pudding would

remain where it belongs, in his extensive trouser pocket.

Weaver News photographer managed to catch this rare event

Ligier For Sale: The car shown is a Ligier Ambra Country, powered by a Lombardini twin cylinder engine of 505cc ­ both petrol and diesel versions can be specified, but diesel is the more usual. A higher specification GLX version is also available. The bodywork, in common with several of its rivals, is of polycarbonate panels over a welded aluminium frame, providing substantial protection for the occupants, with minimum

weight.

Runs really well but don’t be surprised if a jogger runs even better. For more details call - Dr Martin P Weaver.

Sadly Porsche 944 For Sale

Total service history with an amazing history folder. The owner of this car, the infamous Dr Martin P Weaver, was a keen member of the Porsche Owners Club. The interior defies the mileage with no signs of wear unlike the owners face.

This car has been maintained to a very high standard by the owner with notable points being a spit and polish in 2004 and at 80,000miles the chip papers and Budweiser cans were picked up off the floor. Every invoice for the car has been kept along with the old scoring cards for the women shagged in it. Every forged MOT certificate, stolen tax disks and all the original manuals are still in their leather document holder. A rare opportunity to own an amazing 944 S2 at a price that won’t break a Greek bank or a Bulgarian drug dealer’s piggy bank.

W edding Scam Various reports of

a sham wedding, carried out in a secret lo-cation in Derbyshire, are being investigated by a specialist team. Everyone, from the Bride and Groom to the various partici-

pants, stand in parents, best man and more seriously a bogus vicar, are being sought by the local authorities. A spokesman from the Council said “too many of these flagrant breaches of the law are occurring, and although the local economy has benefited from extra sales, we are taking the matter very seriously indeed. This kind of activity must stop”

A letter responding to the above article: Dearly misguided and O ye of little faith. I felt it was an appropriate time to reflect on the years that have passed since I joined together in unholy matrimony Martin Slow Hand Weaver and Yo Bitch in this the 60th year of Old Slow Hand and pass on a few comments. I have to admit that at the time I had my reservations as I was unsure as to how Old Slow Hand would survive the wicked right hook of Yo Bitch. However, it is pleasing to see that he has survived although looking a little ragged around the edges. The Clairol Nice And Easy Honey Blond is helping to main-tain some of his young looks, especially for the nasal and ear hair which can hardly be seen when the Clairol has been freshly applied. As a man of the cloth I am sure you will appreciate that the members of one’s flock occasionally let you into little secrets. I know that Yo Bitch will not mind me relaying this little secret to their very close friends who will of course offer them lots of help and understanding before they pile on scorn and mockery.

Yo Bitch explained that Old Slow Hand was not performing as well as he had been. As a consequence she spoke to her good friend, who just so happened to be the local drug baron. Yo Bitch went on to say that the drug baron gave her some little blue pills and said tell Old Slow Hand to take 1 a day and all will be well. Sure enough all was well until they decided to up and leave for Bulgaria and of course it was difficult for the drug baron to get the little blue pills out there due to the stringent customs searches.

We all know how resourceful Yo Bitch is and very quickly she explained that she was able to offer Old Slow Hand an alternative. Curiosity got the better of me and I asked Yo Bitch what this alterna-tive was. After a long explanation about not being able to remember exactly what the little blue pills were called and after looking long and hard through the shelves in the supermarket in Yambol she

(Continued on page 9)

decided to have a chat with the Manager, who had some limited vocabulary in English. After some-time and a great deal of gesticulation the Manager dragged Yo Bitch to a shelf and handed her a bottle filled with a brown liquid and with a nudge, a wink and sent her on her way. On returning to their love nest Yo Bitch started to add the brown liquid to any-thing and everything that Old Slow Hand consumed. Unfortunately Old Slow Hand’s performance did not improve and Yo Bitch spoke to one of the neighbours who did have a good understanding of English and told her that the potion was vinegar. The only advantage that Old Slow Hand had was in fact 2 beautifully pickled walnuts. I have noticed over the years that poor Old Slow Hand is diminishing in stature and I am convinced that this is due to Yo Bitch patting him on the head and telling him what a good boy he is. I have, as a the caring clergyman that I am, told Yo Bitch that she does not realise the force that she is apply-ing and that this is having a detrimental effect on the poor old fellow. I would also like to refute some allegations, that have been drawn to my attention, about the lack of authority that was been vested in me due to my lack of ecclesiastical training and qualifications. I will have you know that I have attained a degree HMD (Hons) that was obtained at the Old Scrotes Methodist Chapel in Llanrhystud. I will admit that normally this is only a 3 week course and it did

take me 2 years to obtain my degree. What is the HMD degree I hear you ask? O ye of little faith and understanding it is of course the Hatch Match and Despatch degree. Furthermore since this dishonourable ceremony has taken place I have become a Bishop, endorsing my authority to conduct such cere-monies. In addition to this I was granted an audience with my old mate John Paul II, prior to his calling from our boss, and he said that there were moves afoot to offer me a position as an honorary Cardinal and my role would be to bridge the differences between all of the faiths.

More importantly he also told me that his old friend Old Slow Hand was also being considered for Sainthood for his relentless and untiring passion for dig-ging up god’s earth to find bits of old pots and stick them back together again. He confided with me that he did not understand the logic of this as it was far easier to pop down to Tesco and buy new ones, which also have the advan-tage of not leaking. JP II also said that the Sainthood for Old Slow Hand was now under serious question as the selec-tion panel had decided that playing with skulls was a little too macabre even though Old Slow Hand was now a Professor and expert in this field. 10 years have passed since this ceremony took place and so much has happened and changed in all of our lives. In some respects it is quite scary just how much and just how much more has yet to change for many of us. For me the most important thing is that we keep smiling and enjoy whatever he upstairs deems to throw at us, as Martin appears to do. No doubt he is just like the swan - calm and serene on top of the water and paddling away furiously under the water. May your god be with you. Yours Bishop the Right Reverend Nick Wright HMD (Hons) Honorary Cardinal Religious Harmony.

(Continued from page 8)

aste Band After the huge success of Band Aid local impresario, Jane McCarthy, managed to book the incredible talents of Fat Boy Slim and Long Tall Barry for her husbands 50th birthday party. These two masters of the guitar were happy to play at one of the now famous Pig Yard camp fires and

the playlist included some of the most popular and well known songs such as: Bye Bye Miss American Crumble; Poof the Magic Dragon; Ruby Wednesday; Leaving on a Jet Ski; Scarborough Pier and some of Buddy Mistletoe’s greatest hits. Sadly the sing along section of the gig dwindled as the assembled audience faded into obscurity, even with the words in front of them. This was partly due to age, lack of staying power or concentration but sober observers were sure there was a strong smell of alcohol hanging in the air.

Behind Every Great Man... A definite strength supporting Martin in all his ventures is his wonderful wife Kate. Be it archaeology, art gallery, cars, or emigrating to Bulgaria Kate has been putting in her £2 worth or should that be 1,000 Lev? Kate doubles as navigator, second driver and cork & bottle washer. From the meagre practice wedding on the foggy shores of Carsington Water to the real thing in

sunny Cyprus Kate has always been there. Not many women would give up a house for a boat where you had to remodel the living room to go to the toilet, soon remedied by Martin building an extension on the boat (see previous article). One can only imagine how close these two are.

aramedics Rescue Accident Prone Man

Some neighbours are one man liabilities. A close neighbour of Dr M & Mrs K Weaver, Ivan Ivanovicj, came to ask for help because he

had slit his index finger along it’s full length right down to the bone. Mrs Weaver came over all “Holby City”, sat him down in the kitchen, removed a dirty rag covering a blood soaked bandage. Mrs Weaver said “It was a wound the likes of which I have never seen before”.

Mr Ivanovicj has a speech impediment that means even his kinsmen don’t understand him. Dr weaver said “When we first met him we thought he was French. By the medium of mime we explained that he needed to go to hospital”. The Weavers bundled him into their car now doubling up as an ambulance and drove to Topolovgrad with their non existent blues and twos going nineteen to the dozen.

Rumours about Topolovgrad hospital proved to be true. Topolovgrad municipal hospital is renown for having no staff, no reception, and no furniture. Our virgin paramedics knock on doors until Mrs Weaver walks into a darkened room where a man is sitting on a bed and a nurse appears like a ghost out of the gloom. The nurse looks at Ivan’s finger and says they can’t do anything with it as there are no doctors available. They have to go to Yambol an hours drive away. Ivan starts protesting that he can’t go to Yambol because despite his finger hanging off he has work to do.

Our intrepid medics eventually find Yambol hospital A&E unit. There are people in the foyer - always a good sign. After ringing the buzzer a nurse wearing a face mask peers into the room, she has the cold eyes of a dead fish. Mr Ivanovicj held his finger up and then shows the nurse his wounded one. It is hard to say if the nurse understands him or not but he is seen immediately and is out after 2 hours, stitched, bandaged and prescribed. Dr Weaver explained that their wait was not without entertainment, “Whilst we were waiting the other people in the room, quizzed us about English pensions”. The Weaver paramedics arrived home at 8 o'clock and unfortunately missed the folk dancing, their disappointment was self evident.

Doc Martin Reviews Technology Firstly the Motorola Xoom - this is a nice looking tablet that was supposed to challenge the iPad but unfortunately falls short on a number of counts not least because it won’t run Skype. Basically it’s a pile of shite!

I like Skype. It allows me to keep in contact with the miserable buggers I left behind in the UK. I did think I would escape them in Bulgaria but it hasn’t worked out that way. I just love it when Dizzee gets in on the act and decides to attack the web cam so that people calling us see us upside down and they think we’re in Australia.

The Nintendo Wii is a good games machine, not great like the Xbox but good. I’ve become a champion in archery, Frisbee and canoeing however I’ve had to take some physiotherapy after over exerting my shoulders when canoeing up the creek with a dodgy paddle. Of course my beloved wife is a good opponent but sadly a bad loser and beats me up if she doesn’t win. Smart phones - I’m an expert on mobile phones having owned more

varieties in my life than most other people have had visits to the lavatory. One thing I’ve learned is that they’re not very good at making phone calls which defeats the object but then as a slave to technology I don’t care. The HTC range that my wife and I are currently using are the dogs b*****ks and we’re very happy with

them. Of course my beloved is never satisfied with her pleasure giver unless it is encrusted with jewels but be warned as she recently suffered a laceration to her ear when she had the phone the wrong way round. In the same way that Van Gogh suffered for his art, Kate takes the ear laceration as a price worth paying.

here was an old fellow named Weaver, Who once had a terrible fever, The effect that it had, On the poor little lad, Was to restrict his access to beaver.

nd then along came the lovely Kate, She said, “I’ll solve your problem, just wait”, If it’s beaver you’re missing, I’ve one here for kissing, Oh boy, did he salivate!

Created by David Kew

Martin Weaver - a friend to anyone Who are these people? I’ve never

seen any of them before and I don’t think I want to see them

again.

Budweiser or Real Ale Here’s a rare event when Bud Man is persuaded or cajoled into drinking a pint of real ale by his good “buddy” Mr Graham Cherry. In truth Bud Man was putting his lips to the glass and blowing bubbles but this went unnoticed because Mr Cherry was focussed on his pint at the end of a thirsty making walk.

WHO COULD RESIST!

Martin’s natural good looks along

with his well plumped pecs could not go unnoticed in the modelling world. When a body was needed for the CLASP t-shirt they looked no further.

Following publication, Martin had to turn down LIttlewoods and Boden as limited time prevented him from moving into this additional field of expertise.

Is there no end to this man’s talents??

FOR SALE CLASP T SHIRTS

Available in S,M,L,XL

Ferrero Rocher Shares Slump Concerns have been raised in the share market as Ferrero Rocher are experiencing a severe drop in sales. This was totally unexpected as the chocolate industry tends to flourish at times of double dips in the economy. Chocolate being a great lifter of spirits no matter what the world is throwing

at you. The factory opened in 1966 with the their new addition to their

range of Ferrero Rocher in 1982. Rumour has it that the migration of a certain Weaver element to the sunnier climes of Bulgaria has affected the sales so dramatically they are considering closing their factory in Alba (Italy) and laying off thousands of workers. When one of the largest confectionary companies in the world talk of ruin, It may be the time to buy up supplies with the possibility of their demise. Where else could you enjoy 73 calories so much?

Do you have a dead body buried in your back garden

but don’t know who it might be?

Worry no more, with the help of Dr Martin P Weaver and

associates your mystery person can be identified. Dr

Weaver’s method provides facial reconstructions to aid missing person investigations.

Using a method devised by the great man himself of a white blank reconstruction built in 3D from skeletal or MRI scan

data, identification can be narrowed down by computerised photographic overlay

directly onto the reconstruction. This enables a match from targeted individuals on a missing persons register to be found (age, sex, ethnicity the same as recovered

remains).

It is Dr Weaver’s view that this system gives greater accuracy and easier matching

than the usual image projection onto the skull method that is sometimes used.

If you don’t have a mystery body then for an additional fee you can identify a candidate and Weaver associates will despatch the person. Of course this does

remove the mystery but it can give hours of entertainment and keeps us in

business.

Just fiddling with me nuts and bolts while I try to work out where these wires go!

Car is Born

Graham, where are we going to

fit this lawn mower?

First run under power - but where are the

brakes? Graham? Where are the brakes?

I’m sure I heard Kate say she wanted blue! So why did you chaps spray me

green?

I always knew there was a floor under

all that junk!