We Tell Each Other the Truth! Clear, Consistent Messages There are difficult topics to cover with children, especially right now. Concealing facts from children can damage trust and make it more difficult for them to process their own experiences. But how do we talk to children about topics that can be difficult for us to talk about ourselves? This week we will focus on providing children with clear, consistent messages about difficult topics. Children’s play can be used as a platform for having these difficult conversations with children. Conversations with children through creative play can help them find meaning in the stressors they are experiencing and help them to build resilience.

Communicating Through Play Play can be a key component in how children express and process their emotions. We can support children in their play by providing them with un-interrupted playtime and/or by joining in their play when they invite us. During play, we can communicate what we are thinking as well as listen to each other. Communication with young children may be better facilitated by using puppets or pretend play. Click here to learn more about how play helps children navigate difficult times.

Activities and Resources Encouraging Communication with Infants and Toddlers Provide infants the opportunity to explore their environment. Lay a blanket on the floor and encourage them to crawl around. If an infant is not mobile, consider placing a mirror beside them so they can look at themselves. As infants explore their world, we can respond by smiling, describing what they are doing, and talking with them. All of these interactions encourage communication during their play. (Adapted from ZERO TO THREE Critical Competencies for Infant-Toddler EducatorsTM by Maria Victoria Mayoral, Sarah LeMoine, and Allyson Dean) Talking to Children about COVID-19 It is important to answer children’s questions with honesty. But, we don’t want to give them more information than they can understand. Sesame Street Workshop offers some tips for talking to children about COVID-19. Resources for Talking About Tough Topics with Children It can be really hard to be both honest and age appropriate when talking about tough topics. NPR provides several podcasts that cover strategies to help parents navigate difficult conversations with children:

• What to Say to Kids When the News is Scary • Be Honest and Concrete: Tips for Talking to Kids about Death • Talking Race with Young Children

We Tell Each Other the Truth! Clear, Consistent Messages It can be a difficult task to sort through all the information we see daily regarding COVID-19. The task is not made easier given that messages seem to differ from state to state, newspaper to newspaper, and person to person. While information can come from multiple sources, most teens use social media as their main source of information and news. It is important that teens learn how to determine if messages are true and accurate. Clear, consistent messages support understanding and informed decision-making. This week we focus on the importance of clear, consistent messages. We offer tips to help teens

and their families determine if news sources are relevant, accurate, nonbiased and reliable. To ensure consistent messaging, it can be helpful for families to identify 2-3 reliable sources to utilize for their COVID-19 information. This can help families avoid being overwhelmed by differing information. We also offer activities that focus on how to share this information with others. Determining If Information is “Good” The Library of the University of California, Berkeley provides information on how to evaluate whether or not a source of information is dependable. It is important to take into consideration the following when determining the trustworthiness of a news source:

• Relevance: Is the information closely connected or appropriate to a particular reading purpose? • Accuracy: Does the information contain factual and updated details that can be confirmed by checking

alternative and/or primary sources? • Bias/perspective: Does the information seem to slant in a certain direction or contain only one point of

view? • Reliability: Does information about the author and the publishing body suggest a high level of

trustworthiness? Activities for Sharing Information It is important for families to find ways to share thoughts and feelings with each other. Below are suggestions for activities that may help guide teens and their families in speaking the truth, using clear, consistent messages.

1. Tell a story from a different point of view. Think of a favorite book or news article you’ve read. Consider the following questions: Who is telling the story? Whose point of view is the story being told from? How might the story be different if it were being told from a different character’s point of view? How might the story be different if the character were a different gender or from a different country? How does point of view influence the information received?

2. Validating your teen’s feelings. Sometimes when people share feelings of fear, anger, or sadness, those they share with try to “fix” these difficult feelings. They may say things like “Don’t think like that” or “Don’t worry, things will get better”. Try validating your teen’s feelings by saying things like “I can see how you would feel that way,” “It must be hard to feel that way,” or “That is an awful lot to be feeling right now.”

3. A minute of freedom. Oftentimes, we edit what we say to others. Invite your teen to say exactly what they think or feel. Consider encouraging them to do this without any consequences or having to have a conversation about it later. Offer your teen a “Minu te of Freedom.” Invite your teen to say to another person exactly what they think and feel without the other person saying a word about it. It is important to remember that if a teen says something that makes another person think they are in danger or are planning to do something against the law, it is important to let someone know. Encourage your teen to enjoy their freedom (for a minute)!

4. Fact or faux. Invite your teen to find either an article or a piece of information to share with the rest of the family. Encourage family members to be detectives as they decide whether the information is “fact” or “faux”.

5. Facts vs feelings. Encourage your teen to talk with family members about their thoughts and feelings regarding COVID-19, or other issues that might be on their mind. Discuss whether the thought or feeling is based on “fact” or “feeling.” For example, if your teen says, “I’m worried that I’ll get COVID-19 if I go outside,” you may wish to share that not everyone who goes outside becomes ill with COVID-19. It is important to point out that although the feeling and/or concern is valid and important, it is a feeling, and not a fact. Consider reminding your teen about ways the family is staying safe. For example, “When we go to the store we wear masks” or “We wash our hands a lot more than we used to.” It is important to validate the feeling as well as discuss the fact.

Cognitive Distortions Sometimes it is hard to be honest with ourselves about our distorted thinking and thought processes. Cognitive distortions are ways our brains can convince us of something that is not true. Click here to learn more about common cognitive distortions.

We Tell Each Other the Truth! Clear, Consistent Messages In their book “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters,” Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (2010) begin by reminding us that we benefit most when we can approach each potentially difficult conversation as a learning conversation. So often when we are in conflict with others, we make assumptions about what they are thinking and/or about how they will respond if we try to have an open conversation with them. The interesting thing is that individuals on both sides of any situation are making those assumptions—so much so that a conversation may not ever occur. Therefore, learning and the correction of assumptions will never occur.

There is no question that challenging discussions often feel uncomfortable or even awkward. However, there are some guidelines that can help move the process forward (see links below). One of the strategies that is effective to use is to simply state the obvious at the start of the conversation — by noting that the topic to be discussed is not an easy one to talk about, but that the intention is to be as genuine and open as possible to other ideas and perspectives. Another critical suggestion is to truly listen; pause your mind while the other person is talking and literally take in what they are saying. Take a break from the blame game. Finally, Stone et al. (2010) do a great job of reminding us that difficult conversations are not just about what is said, but also about the emotions and the identifies of the people involved. It is not simply the words we use, but also our tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, etc. No one wants to be seen as confrontational or as a “problem,” and yet we all need to be seen and heard. Kick in your curiosity and check out the following links:

• Learn from My Mistakes and Avoid These Common Roommate Problems • COVID-19 Psychological Wellness Guide: Families with College Students at Home

Video Resources

• How Miscommunication Happens (And How to Avoid It) • 10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation

Internal Actions

• Engage in perspective-taking while exposing yourself to narratives and stories from/about those who have identities different from your own. This exposure could happen through reading, TV, movies, etc. Reflect on how the experiences depicted in these situations may be different than how you would experience them.

External Actions

• Much of the advice about having better conversations focuses on messaging, tone, presentation style, but the most important action may actually be to listen/receive the other person’s message. Active listening requires attention and effort, but it can be critical to meaningful and important dialogue.

We Tell Each Other the Truth! Clear, Consistent Messages Families are stronger when they collectively problem solve together. Listening to your friends and family and reaching out to those in need can build strong bonds. How can you motivate others to engage in new ways to connect and interact with one another? Here are a few simple ideas that can help build stronger relationships and meaningful connections:

Share Family Stories and Advice Individuals in their sixties who offer advice to others tend to see their lives as especially meaningful. Older adults make ideal community mentors because of having a lot of life experience, and they can still have influence on others through their stories of their lived experience and advice. Sharing stories of overcoming challenges and offering advice from tried and true strategies can be beneficial to younger family members and the community. Are there books or songs that have provided inspiration during challenging events? Share those within the family and community. Family Communication Activities Open and honest communication is important because it helps the family and community express their needs and wants and provides a space for individuals to feel listened to. (parent/child; grandparent/grandkid; friends; neighbors):

1. Make someone a playlist. The idea here is that the songs are a way to be vulnerable and truthful about your feelings for your partner, about you that resonate with your life story or identity.

2. Play the gratitude game: Take turns reminding each other what you love about each other. This activity can be timed, or people can take turns or make it a challenge (for example you could avoid talking about physical characteristics)

3. Develop problem solving skills by working with younger family members and grandchildren to complete a simple DIY project splitting up tasks and following clear directions toward project completion.

4. Put together a list of movies and books with characters or story lines that demonstrate honesty and integrity. The family can discuss what that means and how it impacted the community.

5. Discuss modern day moral dilemmas and how lived experiences offers ideas or strategies for working through them.

6. Discuss "signs of success," or signs that someone is successfully practicing honesty, including: a. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say b. Making promises you can keep c. Admitting your mistakes d. Refusing to lie, cheat, or steal e. Telling the truth tactfully f. Being true to yourself and doing what you know is right

We Tell Each Other the Truth! Clear, Consistent Messages During times of stress, families may go through rule changes or changes to their daily routines. When families communicate clearly about these changes through family discussions, all family members can work together to positively face adversity and understand and agree on changes daily routines. Clear, compassionate communication helps families take action together while fostering trust and respect.

Relationships are enhanced when people are able to express needs directly and clearly. Dialogue or peacemaking circles are gatherings where all participants sit in a circle facing each other to have open and direct communication. They are designed to bring people together in a space that fosters trust, respect, intimacy, good will, belonging, generosity, mutuality and reciprocity. Circle dialogues are never about changing the other person but are an invitation for personal growth and reflection and to change one’s relationship within the family. More information can be found on The Circle Way. The Circle Process has three practices:

• Speak with intention: Noting what has relevance to the conversation in the moment. • Listen with attention: Respectful of the learning process for all members of the group. • Tend to the well-being of the circle: Remaining aware of the impact of our contributions.

The Circle Process: A Path for Restorative Dialogue (from Peacemaking Circles)

The group can decide on several questions they want to talk about prior to meeting and a talking piece is used to ensure that no one else is talking except for the person holding the talking piece. The talking piece can be a beanbag, stick, or some other object that can easily be passed among family members. Circle dialogues can also be used for community conversations but mask wearing, social distancing should be observed along with each person providing their own talking piece. Possible Circle Questions

• What change would you like to see in your family or community? What can you do to promote that change? • What was a time when you were outside your comfort zone? What did you do, and what were the results? • What are you worried or concerned about at home or in the community? Is anyone you know impacted by

this? What about this has been hardest for you? What do you think needs to be done to make things as right as possible?

Discussions About Race Why do we need to talk about race and racism with our children? Because they start noticing differences in infancy.

(Image from The Children’s Community School, click to view accessible PDF) For Children

• Racism and Violence: Using Your Power as a Parent to Support Children Aged Two to Five from ZERO TO THREE

• National Geographic Talking to Kids About Race from National Geographic

For Adults • Race Matters: How to Talk Effectively About Race from Social Work Career • Books About Racism and Social Justice from Common Sense Media, also has information on education

value and reading level and flags any violence or language concerns.

We Tell Each Other the Truth! Clear, Consistent Messages Communities are stronger when they collectively problem solve together. Listening to your community and reaching out to those in need can build strong bonds. How can you motivate others to engage in new ways to connect and interact with one another? One way is to get to know people and find out what they are up against while supporting them in their struggle. That is what allies do, they get involved and take action to support others instead of staying on the sidelines during challenging times. The pandemic also affects different parts of our communities differently. In our communities, we can learn to listen carefully to the experiences of those who

have experiences that differ from our own, and we can make ourselves better aware of places where people are being treated differently. To contribute to a cause within the community as an ally, here are some ideas: Listen Listening to others deeply and authentically is one of the most important skills you can have. Listening to other people talk about their experiences can be difficult and emotionally intense, but it is an important part of the process to understand, support, and learn from others in your community. Listening requires you to make space for others to talk and that you deeply listen to what they tell you. This might be uncomfortable, but personal growth and reflection often occurs when one is uncomfortable. Key Attitudes for Deep Listening (from Facilitative Leadership for Social Change: Listening as an Ally)

• I really want to understand your perspective. • I am really curious about your ideas and options. • I want to put aside my own thoughts so I can be open to your perspective and experiences.

Active Listening Techniques (from Positive Psychology)

• Pay attention. Give the speaker your undivided attention and recognize that non-verbal communication speaks loudly.

• Show that you are listening. Use your body language and gestures to show that you are engaged by nodding occasionally and using facial expressions.

• Provide feedback. Reflect on what is being said and respond by paraphrasing. “What I am hearing is…,” or “Sounds like you are saying…,” are examples of how to reflect back on what was said. You can also ask open and honest questions.

• Defer judgement. Allow the person talking to finish their story or finish what they are trying to say without interruptions. Deeply listening to another person is designed to encourage respect and understanding and hopefully to help you gain new information and possibly hear another perspective. Treat the other person in a way that you would want to be treated.

Videos that Highlight the Importance of Listening

• The Power of Listening a TEDXxSanDiego by William Ury • Active Listening a TEDxYouth@Conejo talk by Katie Owens

Learn Continue to educate yourself about the issues and concerns in your community. Set aside time and energy to learn about the issues and challenges from reliable sources and through listening to lived experiences. Pay attention to who the authors are and what connections they have to the materials, information, and stories. You may learn news things that challenge the way you see the world or impact the choices you make, but it is important to dig deep and be honest with yourself about what you believe and how that informs and impacts your actions. Regarding the pandemic, there are widely divergent views about how and when to comply with public health recommendations and there is confusion about what all the information says. There is also tension when people disagree, which is occurring within households, neighborhoods, and communities.

Implicit Bias (from Kirwan Institute for the Study of Race and Ethnicity) When you are unaware of your thoughts and feelings about a person or a group of people, that is called implicit bias. Everyone possesses them and they do not necessarily align with your declared beliefs. Research has shown that one’s actions in daily life, often occur without conscious thoughts. For example, you may get ready for work in the morning without giving much conscious thought to the routine. Research has shown that that implicit biases often are more predictive of behavior than conscious values. Fortunately, implicit biases can be unlearned. Before they can be unlearned, it is important to identify the biases you have.

To learn more about your implicit biases take a test with Project Implicit.

Sources for Information on COVID-19

• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) • World Health Organization (WHO) • Johns Hopkins Coronavirus Research Center • The Department of Public Health in each state provides state-specific information.

Reading Material Related to Anti-Racism • Anti-Racism Project • Anti-Racist Resources from Greater Good

More Information on How to be an Ally • Community Toolbox Section 4. Recognizing Allies by the University of Kansas • Ways to Be an Ally from Teen Health Source