Tb m . hCAlIFORNIA .Iecl'opyright 1971 by the Associated Students of the California Institute of Technology. Incorporated.

Volume LXXII Pasadena, California, Thursday, June 3, 1971 a.d. Number 31

That Was The Year That Was Or Was It?

by millikan trollTiredly, the minions contemplate

third-term finals, and the concomitantrelease afforded by summer. Seniorsseek greater and larger adventures inthe hostile outside world, while therest of us contemplate summer jobs,and/or the lack thereof.

Such a time is, then, fitting for anostolgic (?) look back on the wonderthat was yesterday, back in theantiquity of first term when the earthwas' fresh and young. So here we go:

Getting OrientedJust to do things differently,

Freshman Orientation was held on­campus, much to the dismay oforganizations such as the Glee Cluband this fair periodical, which viewfrosh camp as an opportunity to snapup unsuspecting victims. Being appro­priately snowed with tours and anes­thetized with speeches, freshmen foundtheir place in the Caltech community,only to have the fragile sense ofbelonging lost in the whirl of Rotation.

Most notable among the Class of'74 were Caltech's first co-eds since thedim, dark past, back in the days whenThroop was Pasadena Hall, and thispiece of real estate was Throop Tech.To greet them, the Institute prepared asection of Blacker-Dabney with com­pletely re-done plumbing and wiring,new furniture, and nifty wall-brackettype shelves, which supposedly willeventually grace all the monastary cellsof the Old House (take heart).

Share TimeAlso greeting the new freshman,

the inhabitants of Booth (those strangecreatures who are given to writingindecipherable memos). prepared a newhorror to add to Physics, Math, andChern: the PDP-lO. This giant numbergrinder has already reportedly de­molished the minds of several unsus-

pecting frosh.The Tournament of Roses com­

mittee (yes them) usually offeredCaltech coeds the opportunity tobecome Rose Queen. None wereinterested. Meanwhile, 40 large pizzasand 4 kegs of beer, and an appropriate­ly large amount of soft drinks failed toslow down the participants in Hutten­back's start-of-the-year beer and pizzablast, which Pizza Man and Kloke'sprobably enjoyed more than anyone.

Rumble, Rumble, RumbleEarly in the year, the rumblings

began which eventually: (1) led to thedemise of the 2-year P.E. requirementand (2) the Baxter Festival. One earlyplan, which went the way of mostearly plans, would have replacedInterhouse Dance with what becamethe Baxter Festival, an idea which gotsomewhere with the ESC, but expiredquietly in theIHC.

Hardly three weeks into the term,the Applied Physics people wonapproval, and a large part of double-eseceeded from Engineering and AppliedScience. That week, Caltech actuallytied a football game (0-0). (Inciden­tally, in the .'50s, Caltech also set theintercollegiate record (it was a recordthen, at least) for the highest-scoringtie game, 42-42). The same week(still), the renowned quantum mechan­ic R. P. Feynman materialized for alecture on quarks, which filled Beck­man Auditorium to capacity.

. Politics and SuchThe Institute's policy on political

activities then came surging out ofThroop. Basically, don't do anythingpolitical on behalf of the Instituteunless you're the Trustees, and noteven then. At least, the policy goes,Caltech should look uninvolved in its

official capacity. Confusing enough foranyone?

The Genial Dean Huttenback grewa second head as acting Chairman ofthe Division of Humanities upon theretirement from that aforesaid officeof Dr. Hallet Smith. And the Big Tcame out tween covers reminiscent ofthree red volumes which reveal alltruth.

Bolshoye SpacebaIn anticipation of Halloween and

Parents' Day, enterprising members ofthe Mickey Rodent Club trans­mogrified the venerable clock atopThroop Hall into a Spiro Ag:1ewwatch. The same week, cosmonautsNikolayev and Sevastyanov were treat­ed to something even better than themagic kingdom of Walter E. Disney (asight their previous Party First Secre­tary never sq). You guessed it! A tourof these hallowed grounds.

However, the Trustees had otherfish to fry on the eve and day of AllSaints Day, in an all-afternoon discus­sion meeting with Cal tech students attheir Palm Springs meeting. Thediscussions marked the beginning ofcloser trustee-student relationships, andresulted in visits (including overnightstays) by several trustees, and visits totrustee's places of business by students.(To the DC Board of Regents, we say"for shame. ")

Shake ItCharles de Gaulle died first term,

marking an end to all Gaullefingerjokes. This event notWithstanding, theFaculty Board recommended that PEnot be required for graduation, ASCJTdues became optional (or at least, theBOD was shamed into admitting it).and "Shake it, Georgene!" became thefreshman national anthem.

Rhodes returned with a few choice

words for certain Washington officials,while the dynamic duo of Harry-the­House and Lisa Anderson propelled thefrosh to victory in the Mudeo. Thelatter story made page one of theinternational edition of the Herald­Tribune, which came as something of ashock to the Browns, who were at thetime SALTing the Russians' tail feathersin Helsinki (or was it Vienna?).

It Didn't RainInterhouse Dance came and went,

along with any chance for thefreshmen to study. The Fleming Showand brawl told of the misadventures ofFlakey in the heart (and stomach)rending drama "Hot Noggies, Clara­belle." The next day, the Flems had todecide on what to do about the fourmetric tons of water in their court­yard.

For all of the arduous planning,fund-raising, construction, and dome­grundling, the 1970 Throop Three gotthe proverbial shaft as the greatbamboo resisted efforts to position it.Instead an eighteen-inch monster wasborrowed from Ned Hale just as theribbon was about to feel the pinch ofthe scissors wielded by Harold Brown.Subsequent efforts got the shafterected, but mangled the tinsel andlight structure which was to have gone'

around it. Adorned with a twenty-foothigh, four-inch diameter blade ofovergrown grass, Throop and thestudents retired to nurse the woundsof the outrageous slings and arrows offirst term.

Determined BO(C,D)Much to the chagrin of the

BO(C,D) a plan to give the formerjurisdiction over cases of campusdisruptions (you mean THEY wouldtry Hari Krishna?) came to electoralgrief. Convinced that the matter wouldnever come up, the fears of Ad-Hoccommitties notwithstanding, the matterapparently died after that, despiteurgings by the opponents of themeasure (they claimed it went far toofar) that it be rewritten.

Caltech branched out into the realwith an EQL (Environmental QualityLab) to fight smog, thermal, effluvial,and other pollution, in addition tofighting for truth, Physics, and theeightfold way. EQL has the same sortof independent dependency on theInstitute that lPL has, which I'm suredrives the Accounting Office up thenearest vertical wall.

Happy Birthday, L. TerryL. Terry Suber, outgoing chief

Mafioso of the notorious B & Gsyndicate, enjoyed his early-February

the california techjune 3, 1971page two

birthday immensely. First he weathered a campus bomb threat, then anearthquake ("Prevent unwanted quake­so-take earth control pills. "). The upperfloors of Millikan observed a curiousphenomenon, known to the pin-ballphanatics of the Universe as TILT. Onemonth later, the mess was cleaned up.

The Debate team sweet-talkedtheir way to the Senior DivisionChampionship at U of Missouri, whichinformal academic exchanges with

THE CALIFORNIA TECH

Thursday, June 3, 1971Volume LXXII Number 31

Published weekly except duringexamination and vacation periods by theAssociated Students of the CaliforniaInstitute of Technology, Incorporated.The opinions expressed in all articlesherein are strictly those of the individualauthor and do not necessarily reflectthose of either the editors or thenewspaper staff.

Copyright 1971 by the AssociatedStudents of the California Institute ofTechnology, Inc. All rights reserved.

THE ASCIT FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIETHIS WEEK, to create the perfect mood for finals:

THE TRAINstarring Burt Lancaster, Paul Scofield,

Jeanne Moreau+ Cartoons for lechers

7:30 p.m. and 10:00 p.m. in Baxter

Admission 50CFIRST WEEK, NEXT TERM:

M*A*S*H

Editors-in-Chief.. Peter W. BeckmanPaul A. Levin

Philip M. NechesSports Editor John TristanoFeatures Editor Philip MasseyEntertainment Editor Nick SmithPhoto Editor John Fisher

Staff.. Pat Dunn, EmdenGansner, Terry O'Neil, Dave Peisner,Alex Seita.

Photographers John Belsher,Alan Stein.

Business ManagerMarvin Mandelbaum

Circulation Manager Kim Border

The California Tech Offices: 115Winnett Center, 1201 East CaliforniaBoulevard, Pasadena, California, 91109.Phone 795-6841 extension 2154. Repre­sented nationally by National Educa­tional Advertising Services, Inc. Printedby News-Type Service, 125 SouthMaryland Avenue, Glendale, California.Second class postage paid at Pasadena,California.

Subscriptions $1.50 per term$4.00 per year

Life Subscription $100.00

structed feature of campus and (2)Throop Hall is the worst. Conse·quently, Throop will be raized over thesummer, with the present occupantsscattering to Dabney and Millikan (!).Unfortunately, Linda will be scatteringto Stanford, along with husband andchild.

Feynman once again packed Beck·man (twice, even) for a lecture onheiroglyphics only slightly more com·prehensible than those of relativisticquantized field theory: the Mayancodices.

In the meantime, the ancient ritualof building dedication claimed Baxteras its sacrificial victim, and wassubsequently fested according to long­hatched plots.

~hake on ItUnlike Harry and Georgene, Gen·

eral James and Morgan Kousser didn'tshake it, which caught headlines in theStar-News and the L.A. Times. Andthe Seniors Ditched. The Trusteesapproved Shoemaker's building, FroshOrientation was moved to Catalina,since good old camp Radford burneddown, and the powers that be decidedto distribute the coeds equally amongst

for his soliloquoy on the travals of aPhysics Two lecturer caught in themidst of a campaign issue boiling over.(Chemist to Dr. Vogt: "You physicistswill do anything to hog the news ....Nobody ever mentions Chern 2." Vogt:"Go away, Harry. You bug me.")

And Ken Charles resigned un­expectedlv as head Campus Cop.

/ /SYSENG DD *Systems engineering came to cam·

pus with a vengeance, while theFreshmen were reoriented (translatedas: held a bitch-in), and third termcreaked under way. Baxter overcamethe builder's hex and finally opened itsdoors over the vacation.

The first weekend of the term sawthe players of the annual Political­Military excercize zorch the globe inone final thermonuclear orgy. Mean­while, the nation took arms against itsown courts·martial which deemedCalley guilty. Needless to say, the Techalienated almost everybody by comingout in favor of the verdict.

All Fall DownMeanwhile, back at the Office of

the Campus Architect, it was decidedthat (1) Linda Wilson is the best·con-

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Steve Watkins won the election,and Vogt won the Academy Award forBest Performance in f Lecturing Role

the california techjune 3, 1971page three

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the california techjune 3, 1971page five

the Houses next year.And so finals decend on the land

of the living. When the dun clouds ofthe Niebelungs part, have an enjoyablesummer.

Systems Engineering

by Paul LevinOn Tuesday night Dr. Robert

Boguslaw presented a fresh look at theengineering profession and where it isgoing. Today, he said,represents asituation new to most engineers and toaU engineering students: widespreadunemployment of technical manpower.In the past the ultimate goal of manyengineers and technical people hasbeen to reach that plateau called"management", but this prospect isless lucrative today. Management is inas much or more trouble thanengineers when it comes to jobsecurity. This means that many peoplewill have to resign themselves to atechnical career, foregoing higherposi­tions. But which way is up?

The nature of engineering, too, isundergoing change. In the past anengineer was a man who understood

the properties of materials and some ephysical laws and hence could makethese things work for him. Man wasn'tan energy source or even a part ofthese systems, after aU, it was thetwentieth-century and this wasAmerica. However, if you stop tothink about it, almost nothing runswithout some sort of human inter­vention. This, Boguslaw said, is thedistinctive feature of a social system: itemploys human beings as parts per­forming human functions, (sensing,identifying, and interpreting), and hasa humanistically-oriented goal. Somepeople have hesitated to call somethinga social system because they felt thisimplied that the system was runningsmoothly and that everything had afunction. These aren't necessary at all.

Designing a social system causesmany problems because humans are·involved. When an engineer is told todesign an airplane, he is in a positionto choose the parts to meet the designrequirements. Just imagine how muchtrouble he would have if he wasrequired to use certain parts and theseparts began dictating new and con­flicting requirements. This is theproblem faced by the systems engineer.He can't exactly eliminate all of thepeople from the system, and thesepeople have their own ideas on howthe system should be designed. Insteadof using simulation to test knownfactors (as is usually the case inphysical systems), the engineer working

on this sort of problem usuallyemploys simulation just to determinewhat these factors are!

"We must force ourselves toconsider unpleasant alternatives ra­tionally," he said. Considering nuclear'war unthinkable does not make itimpossible. Someone has suggested thatnational security is the maximizationof national power. But this wouldimply that we would always escalatefully, something we obviously don'tdo. What our government is (?) doingis to use sufficient force for theoccasion.

Dr. Boguslaw concluded by sayingthat we don't have any perfect socialsystems: if anyone did, then therewould be a model other could follow.He said, too, that we won't have oneuntil designers begin considering them­selves not only as designers, but asoccupants, of social systems.

Music

by E. GansnerThe Encounters Contemporary

Music Committee has announced apreliminary list of composers andprograms for next year's season.Dominating the list is the worldpremier of a work by Lou Harrisonand a concert-lecture by Japan'sleading composer, Toku Takemitsu.

Each year the Encounters Seriessponsors three or four programsfeaturing a leading composer ofmodern serious music. In therelatively informal setting of theprogram, the composer is able todescribe to the audience his ownfeelings toward music, his stylistictechniques and other aspects of hismusic. In the past, Encounters hasfeatured such composers as Boulez,

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Rod McKuen's Greatest Hits-2,byRod McKuen, Stanyan Records 2560

There are two ways to appraisethis album. One is to view the recordas a singer's interpretation of popularsongs. Another is to consider it as areading of poems by the originalpoet. The former is quite painful to alistener while the latter makes anaudience appreciative. Since manypopular, modern poems are includedin this album, a fan of such poetrywill find McKuen's dramatic interpre·tation delightful. His raspy, strainingvoice lingers throughout all thepoems, and while McKuen is notBasil Rathbone, all the record's hits(Jean, Lov~'s Been Good to Me, etc.)are McKuen written. You may like it.I did.

the california techjune 3, 1971page six

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ditional and romantic to avant-gardeand musique concrete. Related to theformer are his compositions fororchestra and traditional instru­ments, both western and Oriental. Inparticular, he tries to emphasize thecontrast between the two, as in his"November Steps." To the otherend, are his compositions like "WaterMusic" and his very well-known"Vocalism Ai."

As to the rest of the year'sprogram, Stein said that correspon­dence is now being carried on withLeon Kirchner as to the possibilitiesfor an Encounters program high­lighting his music. Stein went on tosay that he had in mind for a possiblefourth concert an evening of elec­tronic music, emphasizing several ofthe leading electronic composers.However, this concert would requirea good deal of student participationand interest. So, before anything isset definitely for it, student opinionwill have to be polled. If you have'nay interest in electronic music andwould like to help create thisconcert, contact E. Gansner, IIIPage, before the term ends.

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Stockhausen, Cage, Xenakis, and,this year, Messiaen.

In an interview with LeonardStein, music director for theEncounters committee and aprofessor of music at Calarts, nextyear's program was filled in.

In November, the world premierof Lou Harrison's puppet-opera"Young Caeser" will take place. Fulldetails of the opera are not yetknown. However, Stein felt that itwould be a combination of a varietyof styles and cultures, including theBalinese shadow play, Chinese opera,music from antiquity with theprimitive instruments, and modernrhythmic devices.

Harrison has been involved inmusic in some way or other since1934. He studied with Schoenbergand has received several Guggenheimfellowships and various internationalawards for composition. His interestscover a broad range, all of which arereflected in his music. He is an expertat Esperanto; he is quite active inmodern dance and painting. He isalso quite interested in the Pacificcui ture, being a leadingethnomusicologist and the expert inKorean music.

Then in February, TokuTakemitsu will be here for hisEncounters concert. The live portionof the concert will probably centeron music for the biwa and shaku­hachi, two traditional Japanese in­struments.

Takemitsu's music runs from tra-

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the california techjune 3, 1971page seven

New York City You're a Woman,AIKooper,Col. G30601

The theme of this album, is love.It is a accumulation of beautiful lovesongs to be played when you're withthat very special friend, alone. Thealbum cover, a picture of Kooper onone side and this girl on the othereven tends to pictorially describe theplace where the album should beplayed. Song titles such as OO'weBaby I Love You, Love is a Man'sBest Friend, Dearest Darling andCome Down in Time makes onequickly realize the intent of thisalbum.

This album is so expressing, that Iwould like to make some dedicationsof it to some close friends. The firsthalf goes to Ro, Sig, Patti, Laurie,the lisman's and the rest of the gangback home. Side Two is dedicated toDebbie. The title song is dedicated toanyone that wants to figure me outpart of which follows.

New York City you're a womanCold-hearted bitch oughta be your nameOh you ain't never loved nobodyYet I'm drawn to you,

like a moth to flameAnd I guess it's silly

to think you'll ever change.

John Tristano

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Acknowledgements:Cover photo - Paul Levin;Page 3 - Alan Ctein;Centerfold - John Fisher;Page 18 - Glen Veeder;Other photos - Tech photo file;.Cartoons - Terry O'Neil.

THE HOTTIlROBBING RIVET

Table of Nonsense...

THE HOT THROBBING RIVET

Funday, June 3,1971Volume LXIX Number 69

Published sporadically [thank God]by the Almagamated Studs of theCamelot Institute of Transcendentalismand California Tech Newspaper and WineTasting Club. The opinions expressed inall articles herein are ridiculous.

Copywrong 1971 by Hal, Dial­a-Fester, and Company. Any resemblancebetween any character we depict and anyreal person, living or dead, is probablygrounds for libel.

Editors-in-ldiocy.Peter "Wolf" BaxtermanSaul Levinsky

Philty NecheeseSprots Editor John "Big Fish" TristanoPorno Editor. Permafish yFeatures Editor Nick the Knife

Staph Part Done, EmdashGerrymander, Filthy Mess, Tear It­neatly, Drawn Piecemeal, EtaoinSchroedlu, Millikan Troll.

Giving Us the BusinessMarvbomb Mendelmandelmundelmavin

Del cross Tech =

Cross the Border

Dear TroopsThe Pidgeon

The Chemist and the PhysicistThe Primeval FireballThe Nth Day of Finals

Lewis Carroll NotwithstandingShakespeare Quark in the Rear

Music to Get Sick ByEditorial [?]

The Critical RearWhat Do You Write to a NakedVelly Intelesting

Asskiss of IncomprehensibleRalph MillionsWarren the Enemy

New BriefsEverybody's Houselist

Business Manager's Delight

Encounters Planned

That Was the Year that Was

Etaoin Schroedlu

Beck man's Peter

Peter's BeckmanGary Prohaska

Berto Kaufman

Paul S. Zygielbaummillikan troll

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the hot THROBBING rivet - June 3, 1971 - Page Five

Schroedlu Strikes Back

Avoid the Draft by Enlisting?!?!Dear Troops,

I read with great interest therecent letter in your paper CltmgROTC as a way of "avoiding thedraft. " I would like to carry thisanalysis one step further, and expalinhow a person can avoid the draft byenlisting in the Army.

This may sound rather parasoxical,but let me explain. There aredifferences between going into thesurvice as a draftee (U.S.) or as anenlistee or volunteer(R.A.) For onething, you can only be drafted for twoyears, but you can enlist for three orfour. At one time you were alsoallowed to enlist for two years,although I'm not sure if this option isstill available. At any rate, there wereeven differences between the two-yearR.A.'s and the two-year U.S.'s. Forinstance, in Basic Training the R.A.'sgot to yell, "R.A., Drill Sergeant" asthey signed the mess roster, and all theassmbeled cadre and officers wouldbeam with pride at the 'real soldier'who signed up, while U.S.'s werescorned. Everyone prefers to work inan environment where he is apprecia­ted and noticed, and R.A.'s always gotspecial attention from the trainingcadre.

However, that isn't the onlyadvantage of going R.A. Anther ischoice of work while in the theArmy. A draftee has no control overhis fate in this regard, while athree-year or four=your enlistee does.When the enlistee shows up at hisAFEES station for pre-induction pro­cessing, he takes a battery of tests, andif he scores sufficiently high in thetests for a particular field, he may beoffered a contract in that field, whichwould stand to be his 'MOS', orMilitary Occupation Specialty. Thiscontract binds the Army to offer himthat MOS. If he then joins the Army,he will report to the induction centerand find out that pre-induction testwas really just practive, and now hegets to take the test for real, and see if

he can score higher. This battery oftests includes a great number ofdifferent test,s some of them verylong, in order to find all sorts of skillsthat the individula may possess, andgreat concern is shown for the personstaking these tests; when I joined theArmy it was summertime, and veryhot, so my group was allowed to takethe tests in the middle of the night,after our regular duties of the daywere over.

There are many MOS's that aperson can aspire to: Infantry, Artil­lery, Armor, or less common ones suchas Military Police, Combat Engineer,and Combat Medic, where the actionis. In fact, there are so many MOS'savailaqle that the ARmy limits thelength of that binding MOS contract(see above) to six months, so that theycan help the individual avoid gettinginto a rut, offer a more generalprogram of studies, and perhaps evenarrange some valuable educationalexperiences overseas. Many unexpectedopportunities may open up: I probablywould havy been a clerk, but I scoredso well on the Language Aptitude Testthat I wound up being sent to the

Army school for Vietnamese, so Icould go to Vietnam and performsome important job there, broadeningmy knowledge, capabilities, and moralcharacter.

So there are many good reasonsfor "going R.A.": Working in anenvironment free from the tension ofthe draft, working with men who areproperly appreciative of your skills andperformance, and becoming educatedin interesting, useful career fields andskills, may of which are applicable toproblems in today's civilian world.Many persons fear that the Army willnot treat them as individuals. Anysensible person knows what to thinkabout this charge: as one of myinstructors in Basic Training said,"You're all individuals; you all haveyour own number." So, if you'reworried about being an individual inthe Army, remember that the ARmyhas your number.

-Sp4135-42-9779

TOADEM [the hot throbbing rivet's illiterary magazine] - June 3, 1971 - Page Six

The Pigeonor

Life at Caltech

by Beckman's Peter

IOnce upon a midnight bleery, while I wandered bleak and beery,Over many a fat volume of pornographic lore-While I lay there almost horny, suddenly there came a corny,Knocking on my chamber door."It's only some fag," muttered I, "knocking on my chamber door,

Only this and nothing more.'

IIAh, distinctly I remember it was in sad November;And each separate dying testicle wrought new sorrow to my core.Eagerly I wished the morrow,-vainly I had sought to borrowFrom my books surcease of sorrow-sorrow for my lost amour-For that rare and limber cylinder that the gods had made no more­Nameless here for evermore.

IIIPresently my whang grew stronger; hesitating, then no longer,"Sir," I said, "or whatever, truely your forgiveness I implore;But the fact was I was jacking, and so gently you came rapping,And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,That scarce was sure I heard you"-here I opened wide the door;­Darkness there and nothing more.

IVBack into the chamber turning, both my nuts within me burning,Soon again I heard a crowing somewhat louder than before."Surely," said I, "surely someone's blowing at my window lattice,Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore.Let my cock be still a moment and this mystery explore,T'is only two dykes and nothing more."

VOpen here I flung the shutter, then, with many a flit and flutter,In there stepped an old fat pigeon of the whitewashed days of yore,Not the least obesiance made he; not a minute stoped or stayed he;But with mein of dyke or faggot, laid a turd upon the floor,Then perched upon a plaster phallus just above my chamber door­Perched and belched and nothing more.

VIThen this ivory bird beguiled my sad fancy into shrinking,By the grave and stern decorum of the countence it wore,"Though my crest be shriveled and shrunk," I said, , thou are sure no

faggot drunk,Some strange and swinging punk wandering from the Barbary shore,Tell me who the boys are screwing on the night's syphilitic shore. n

Quoth the Pigeon, "Want a whore?"VII

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,Though its answer little meaning-little relevancy bore;For we cannnot help agreeing that import(Jnce is beingNot yet dead, but not alive, and feeling rotten to the core."I've been sick, I am not able," whispered I towards the door.Again the bird said,"Want a whore?"

The Chemist and the Physicist

by Peter's Beckman

The Chemist and the PhysicistWere walking through the row;They laughed like anything to seeSuch quantities of snow."If this were only cleared away,We couldn't screw them so."

"If seven grads with seven grantsWorked for a half a year,Do you suppose," the Chemist said,"That they could get it clear?""I doubt it," said the Physicist,And gave a happy sneer.

"Oh Students come and walk with us!"The Chemist did now sigh."A final walk, a final talk,Before your final cry;What we will do to this whole classMight want to make you die."

The oldest Student looked at themWith a look of total gloom;The oldest Student signed a cardTo keep away the doom­Meaning to say he did not chooseTo leave his student room.

But all the others hurried up,All eager for the test;Their notes complete, their homework in,Their slipsticks at their best-And this was odd, because, you know,A cut-throat is a pest.

The Chemist and the PhysicistWalked all the way to Steele,And then they rested on a benchAnd talked of things not real;And all the little Students stoodAnd listened to the spiel.

"The time has come," the Chemist said,"To talk of many things:Of quantum jumps, and Georgene's bumps,And good old Benzene ·rings,And why that pond is full of fish,And whether Feynman sings."

"But wait a bit," the Students cried,"Before we have this test;For some of us are out of breath,And we all need a rest.""N a hurry!" said the Physicist,"But I won't postpone the test!"

TOADEM [more illiteracy from the HoT tHrObBiNg RiVeT] - June 3, 1971 - Page Seven

VIIIThen, I thought the air grew ripe, perfumed from some unseen pipeSmoked by pot-heads whose seeds popped upon the tufted floor."Damn;' I cried,"1 am not able, my cob is like some rotten cable .Deprived of life through fate or chance, I cannot hope to make It dance,And the gift of life-the fluid running-will no longer pour."Said the Pigeon, "Want a whore?"

IX"Pimp,"said I, "You thing of evil! Procurer still if bird or devil!Whether harlot sent, or whether fate tossed thee ashore,Desolate, yet all undaunted, with this desert bag enchanted-With these nards by horror haunted-tell me truely I implore-Is there-is there cure in 'Frisco-tell me.,-tell me, I implore!"Replied the Pigeon,"Want a whore?"

XAnd that pigeon never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting,On that pallid point of penis just above my chamber door;And his eyes have all the looking of a hooker that is hooking,And the lamplight o'er me streaming throws my shadow on the floor;And my length outlined in shadow that lies floating on the floorShall be lifted-nevermore.

with apologies to E. A. Poe.

"A book of blue," the Chemist said,"Is what you chiefly need;Sliderules, pencils, pens besidesAre very good indeed-Now, if you're ready, Students dear,We can begin this deed."

"You turned on us," the Students cried,Turning their books of blue."These problems are extremely hard,Please show us what to do!"Walking outside, the Chemist said,"We've given them the screw."

"It seems a shame," the Chemist said,"To play them such a trick,After we've made them work so hard,And made them think so quick."The Physicist said nothing but,"You almost make me sick."

"Oh Students," said the Physicist,"Your final now is done.Will you be coming back again?"But answer came there none-And this was scarcely odd, becauseThey'd flunked out every' one.

The Primeval Fireballby Gary Prohaska

There I was sitting on the grass andthere it was it? My god it wasTucker's foot help, help, let's getout of here I screamed to my pet frog.But too late, the obnoxious fumeswere already suffocating our punynostrils. The end was in sight.

Do you believe these layouts?

I don't - and I made them!

71'---.---

On the nth day of finalsMy true prof gave to me:n normal vectors12 twinkling lasers11 Laplace transforms10 two-fold axes9 noble gasses8 Hamiltonians7 massless pullies6 senior projects5 theta hats4 omega dots3 French curves2 inertial framesandan infinite, arbitrary plane.

-Berto Kaufman

TOADEM [ brou{#lt to. you by the inmates of the CIT sanitarium, Happy Dale, California.toadem is not sponsored financially by ftSCIT, or even the Dvivision of HlTIl'Bnites,

Vlhich reflects positively on their taste ] June 3, 1971 - Page Eight

Fermions, bosons, positrons, lend me your quarks!I come to bury Physics, not to praise it.The evil that men do lives after them,The good is oft interred with their bones;So let it be with Physics. The noble HarryHath told you Physics were ambitiousIf it were so, it were a grievous fault,And grievously hath Physics answer'd it.Here, under leave of Harry and the rest--For Physics is an honorable subject;So are they all, all honorable subjects--Come I to speak in Physics' funeral.It was my friend, faithful and just to me;But Harry says he was ambitiousAnd Harry is an honorable man.He hath brought many captives home to Bridge,Whose ransoms did the Institute's coffers fill;Did this in Physics seem ambitious?When the frosh have cried, Physics hath wept;Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:Yet Harry says he was ambitious,And Harry is an honorable man.You did all see that on the ThroopercalI thrice presented him a nobel crown,Which thrice he did refuse. Was this ambition?

. Yet Harry says he was ambitious,And Harry is an honorable man.I speak not to disprove what Physics spoke,But here I am to speak what I do know.You all did love it once, not without cause,What cause witholds you then to mourn for it?o judgment! thou art fled to chemist's beasts,And men have lost their reason. Bear with me;My heart is in the coffin there with Physics,And ( must pause till it come back to me.

Paul S. ZygielbaumRespect for Lewis Carroll

notwithstanding)'Twas finals, and the slimy trolls

Did gripe and grumble in the waste,All random were attendance rolls,

And snakes there were, disgraced.

"Beware the Ranterprof, my son!The claws that write, the jaws that goad!

Beware the Flicking bird, and shunThe gloomious Snakingtoad! ,.

He took his slipstick case in hand:Long time the awesome test he fought­

So finished he in the hours threeAnd sat awhile distraught.

And as in oafish thought he sat,The Ranterprof, with eyes of flame,

OIme riffling through the bluebooks fat,And ranted as it came!

"And you! And you! You're through! You're through!"The slipstick blade went crunch and crack!

He pled and pled, but filled with dreadHe went a-grumping back.

"And hast thou pled with the Ranterprof?Come and play cards, my flunking boy!

o trumping day! A fourth? I'll play!»He shuffled in his joy.

'Twas finals, and the slimy trollsDid gripe and grumble in the waste,

All random were the attendance rolls,And snakes there were, disgraced.

"/ hate to dothis to youPDP-l0, butyou havegone too farthis time. . . ."

ThE hOt ThRoBbInG rIvEtJuNe 3, 1971PaGe NiNe

Music to Get Sick Byby BARf

(The cloyingly clever pseudonym ofBruce A. Reznick)

As you have probably been tryingto forget, I offered a few attempts atparody in the last Rivet-and wasoverwhelmed by the response I got.Despite this I will try again this year.

Melvin Laird to the tune of"My Sweet Lord")Melvin Laird,Oh Melvin Laird,I really want to reach you, Melvin LairdI really want to reach you, Melvin Laird,I want to impeach you Laird,'cause you've done so bad,Mel LairdMelvin Laird,Oh Mel, Mel Laird,I really want to bomb you, Melvin LairdStarfe and napalm you, Melvin Laird,I really want to harm you Laird,'cause you've done so bad Mel LairdOh Mel Laird, Mel Mel Mel Laird.

Calculus is Painless (to the tune of theM*A*S*H theme»)Calculus is painlessIt tells of many changesBut you can't take it or leave it as you please.When I, to find the integral,With which to fix my Pinto grillTried to work it out by handI found I didn't understand thatCalculus is painless,It tells of many changes,But you had better learn it while you can.

Astronaut's Lament (to the tune of"By the Time I Get to Phoenix")By the time I get to VenusI'll be sixty,Having waited thirty years to get the callAll those NASA cutbacks just have kept me waitingShould have left this earth many years beforeBy the time I get to Venus, in the future.The clouds would prob'ly be cleared up by then,And at JPL the radar scopes would tell us,All we really need to know,I don't hardly know,Should I even go?

to be sung to "I Am a Line-Man for the County":

"I am a Wiretap for the TreasuryAnd I drive the side roads,Covertly enforcing the U S. penal code.You hear me scratch on your receiverYou can hear it through the whinre,And the FBI wiretap, is still on the line. ....

I ought to have a search warrant,But gettin' one's such a pain,And anyway, they don't expect a G-rnan

to have much brains.One day J. Eagar will retire,Oh, Dear God, that would be fine,'Till then, think of your wiretap, who s still

on the line .

Thoughts on Beckman's Movie LastWeek (to the tune of "Fire and Rain")Verse: Just yesterday evening, I went to see it again,Oh, man the things I saw I don't believe.Zero-G Toilets, and a light show in space,Centrifugal running and a monolith, ohChorus: I've seen Two-thousand-one,But I only understood one-hundred-five,Tell me, are those people still alive,Is Hal good or bad or human after all?Verse: Look down on me Kubrick,You've gotta help me understand,I just can't make it through another frame!My eyes are aching, and my chin is in hand,Tell me is this film quite so inane?(repeat chorus)

Stoney End (to the tune of "StoneyEnd" (what else?))I have been in Mudd,And I've spent some time in ArmsListening in the John Buwalda roomHas not done me harm,And I think I know the future fate for me ...Going to Stoney End, I've always wanted to go,don't you know.

What better way to end "Music toGet Sick By" than with a tribute (?)to the great institution, the 'retch'session? (to the tune of the Beatie's"Little Darling")Once there was a way to get back homework,Once there was a way to get it back,Please Mr. T.A. do be fast,For this course must be passed,Boy, you're gonna carry this load, 76 units, for a long time,Boy, you've gotta carry that load, carry that load this year.

IF YOU'RE POWERFUL

THEN WE APOLOGIZE The Californicator TECHIF NOT,

T.S.

Volume LXIX The Steam Tunnels, Caltech, Horny, Anytime, 1969 a.d. Number 69

Editorial

Vermont, that bluwark of Puritan­ism" has just enacted a law thatextends the rights and obligations ofadulthood to those persons between 18and 21 years of age. They can nowdrink, forniacate, marry (in thatorder). vote, and make contracts withfull Iiability for their acts. Despitetheir abysmal foolishness, then, thegovernment-in a fit of good humor­will consider them to be adults. These"adults" acknowledge this condesen­tion bu giving the government properrespect-only 10% of them haveregistered to vote. Peter Beckman,distinguished reporter of the DeadlyRag, states that the vote has beenthrown at him as if it were some dog'sbone. This writer cannot see what dogshave to do with the vote, althoughthey have plenty to do with Beckman.(I hear he's better than the local treeor fire hydrant.) It is panefully obviousthat he cannot see through thegovernement's dogged persistence togive him the vote. Who do you th inkthat he would elect for president?Phineas J. Snurd, that's who! Is thisthe decision that a well-informedcitizen would make, especially sincethere is no Phineas J. Snurd? My petAfghan could do better. Yes, theyouth today are going to the dogs.And where are the dogs going? Tofood service, to fortify our greasyburgers. So, in conclusion, if you valueyour vote don't be a cannibal and eathamburgers like Dabney does!!!!!!!

The Critical RearBy Emdash Gerrymander

Last night saw the premier ofwhat is going to be a masterpiece of20th century music. Is was the first

performance of AEIOU, by thecelebrated Indian composer Giv TernShafta. Presented as part of theCoolman Concert Series, this work willundoubtedly become a piece found inevery repertoire.

The composer took the theme forhis work from the old Germanic legendand myth Heldmakdonelleben. ThisMedieval epic deals with a simplepeasant who strives to break the classbounds of his society and to stirke ablow for freedom. He organizes hisanimals and marches to the city,gathering a great following as he goes.After many conflicts, he is betrayed byhis chicken and defeated, or, rather,deheaded. This story seldom appears inMayan legend, although it appears evenless in African folklore.

This moving tale aptly lent itselfto musical adaptation. The stage beginstotally dark. As the lights go up, wesee a puce cow, girded with sword andwearing a horned helmet (excellentcasting~they needed a helmet withtwo holes in it), being lowered fromabove onto the stage. In the back­ground, slowly building, we hear aheavily stringed piece, reminiscent ofthe "Riden," the old German academicfestival overture.

Finally, with the cow on stage, wesee that it hooked up to an automaticmilking machine such that, by elec­tronic command from the maestro,milk is shot from the udder into oneof several pans beneath the cow, eachwitIt its own distinct pitch and timbre.This marvellous technique produces avery creamy sound. It was used withgreat facility by the composer, byplaying on his organ, to form thesecond movement of this monumentalwork, a passacaglia and fugue based onTchaikowsky's name shen spelled outon the keyboard. It was a truly movingtribute to the composer Giv feels hasdone the most to purify music.

This masterfully eclectic workthen continued into the third move-

ment with an organ style piece whichwas titled "Ground for Divorce." Whilethis was being performed, thousands ofballoons drifted down from the ceilingonto the stage, each balloon with itsow.n pitch. Then a guillotine wasdrawn onto the stage following aprocession of voluptuous ten-year-oldgirls, tossing watermellon seeds to theaudience, and singing Gregorian chant.

The fourth movement was a truetour de force. Five chickens werebrought onto stage, and, to the tune of"Happy Days Are Here Again" with atape recording of an original firesidechat and the final movement otBrahms' Fourth Symphony, eachchicken was taken to the guillotine andbeheaded. Ther were then set free torun around the stage, popping balloonswith their claws, producing the mostethereal, airy aleatory music that canever be produced. This scene trulymoved the audience.

The next. part tended back tomore classical forms. While oneperformer played a steady sixteenthnote rhythm of the combined major Cand D chords, the composer workedon a blending and building of feedbackand white noise until, by the end ofthe movement the noise level wasaround 210 db. With these subtilerhythms and melody and the constantvariation and lack of repetition due tothe composers chance lowering of thethe feedback below the white noise(He told me later it was a faultycircuit component.), a tear came to myeye as I realized how close he hadcome to capturing the best of rockmusic. Giv is a true eclec;ticist.

Nor did he shun the old classicalmasters. He included parts of suchmasterpieces as "Wellington's Victory,"''The Isle of the Dead," "Ive's ThirdSymphony," and many others.

Now the climax. With the chambergroup playing sequences of major andminor seconds and sevenths to therhythm of Sousa's epic "The Stars and

the hot THROBBING rivetjune 3, 1971page 11

Stripes Forever," in come the world­famous Taiwan ping-pong team, battingballs back and forth, each ball with itsown pitch. Joining them were: the Baliflame tWirling champions, part of theBarkum and Billey circus (includingthe elephants), the Lovin' MeasuringCup, the East LA Marksman andKnife-Throwing Club, fifteen groupiesimported from England, and manymore. The finale came as they all·joined in the Grand March from Aidawhile Giv came on stage dressed in ahigh priest's robe and sacrificed all thevirgins on stage. As he was doing this,a fireworks display in the backgroundspelled out in big red, white, and blueletters "MOM. ,.

It was a truly moving and epicsight and a great step foreward formodern music, releasing it from thebonds of the past. Unfortunately, wewere not able to see the finale to thefinish, since, due to some carelessoversight, the auditorium caught onfire druing the finale and, as it turnedout, most of the doors were locked.(see page I+i, "Disasterous Fire Kills1000!'') When I talked to Giv later Iwas glad to find out that this did nothamper the effectiveness of the piece.In fact, he informed me that heenjoyed it so much, he plans to scoreit for all future performances.

Just a small mention of the workthat preceeded this masterpiece. It wasa nauseating and simplistic string pieceby a Ludwig van Beethoven, op. 130and 133 or something like that. It wasnice to hear once and then forget it.

Letters

dear naked lady,i wish to apologize for some of

the things i did while i was drunk andyou were flaunting your rather wellbuilt but unclothed body.

first, i should not have beendrunk, for i hardly could enjoy yourpresence in the condition. but, as youknow the punch did not taste like itwas too spiked, but it sure was. and,

:!Jince i had to stand out near thepunch bowl in order to perform myduties, i just kept filling up the o/'glass when it got empty and the rest isimmemorable history.

during your dance, when you saidthat you had not seen me in the hi-lifein about a month, it struck me as verystarnge indeed, for i had never beenthere at all, having only recently cometo this area of the country and havinga lot of work to do and not muchtime to spend in the persuit of suchpleasure. then when you insisted that ihad danced with you then, i found ittruly amazing, but i figured that eventhough i had not done it before, icould do it agin, and there i was-onstage trying to dance with you and inno condition to dance on a soft mat,say nothing about on stage so farabove the hard floor.

although i remember nothin of thesecond half of your act, i'm told that istole your bottoms. if i really did this,i'm sure sorry. i certainly did not meanto cause you any embarassment whichi'm sure it did if you were left outthere, only partially clothed, indecent­ly exposed even, in full view of somany sex-starved and vigorous andslightly drunken males. if i did notreally do this terrible deed, then i hopeyou too may laugh at the rather

unk ind joke that the guys are playingon me by telling me that i did.

there has been considerable dis­cussion around here about what flavordouch you should use. the two favoriteflavors suggested are lemon andpapaya. next time, this may beappreciated.

do not be angry with the restof the gang for the rude and boorishthings i did. instead, vent all of youranger on me-i am in good shape andi'm sure you would do me no greatharm with any physical beating youcould give me.

i'll be seeing a lot of you in thefuture, der bouncer of upu House

FEELlNG

HORNY?Call Extension 2181.

you are."Friends, our service department is

so good, that once you stop by once,we know you'll be coming back often.Wondering how to get here? Just takethe Santa Monica Freeway to theTijunga turnoff, get on the GoldenState for five miles to the PasadenaFreeway, take the Whittier exit pastYuba Blvd. then continue until you seethe big neon tube of Poligrip, thenyou'll know you're at the home ofRalph Millions Tooth, whose motto is:'Be true to your teeth, or they'll befalse to you.' Now back to our movie,Tor Johnson, Vera Hruba Ralston,Sidney Toler, and Nigel Bruce in thatspicy classic·- about the discovery oftransuranic elements, I am Curium,Yellow. "

Athletics

At last Thursday's Athletic ban­quet coach Warren Enemy announceda softening of the administrationspolicy toward the selective drafting ofathletes to bolster our intercollegiateteams. Qoute Eneny, 'We will nolonger have our hands tied by suchnonsensical requirements as BoardScores and GPA, I can see into thefuture when student selection will bebased on the President's CouncilPhysical Fitness Exam Scores' Otherthings of interest mentioned by thecoach was that all students will havetheir scholarships next year multipliedby the number of sports theyparticipated in last year and thatalthough the Physical Education re­quirement has been reduced to threetherms the only classes that nonletter­men will be allowed to enroll in willbe aligator wrestling, javolin catchingand swimming with a lead suit on.

At a private interviewconductedlast Friday, Dirty D---(name withhelddue to request) mentioned that a newpolicy in regard to student housing isto followed. Blecker and Damne

by Bruce Reznick'Hi, friends, Ralph Millions here,

owner of Ralph Millions Tooth,world's largest used denture dealership.If you're in the market for a goodused set of choppers, this is the placeto go. Now friends, you may beworrying about your credit; no need toworry at Ralph Millions Tooth, wedon't care what type of credit ratingyou have, our credit manager will takeyou, and take you, . . Here we have anice set, it may look a little old, but itis really in fine condition, it waspreviously owned by a little old ladyin Pasadena who would only use it onSunday before she went to church.Bless her heart, she wanted to beprepared when they passed the plate.

"Now friends, a lot of you may besaying to yourself now, 'I'm too youngto need dentures.' But friends, thatisn't true! In fact I was on a bigcollege campus just the other day, andI heard many of our fine youthremarking how they couldn't make itthrough the day without their uppers,so you see, it doesn't matter how old'

Advertisement

the hot THROBBING rivet - june 3, 1971 - page fourteen

Asskiss1l:t IncomprehensibleASCIT Activity Draws Tremendous Crowd!

by 1m Not Seita (Nor Is Krueger)

with a one-two finish. Dr. Maka wiselyhas disavowed any conncetion with themanifest ludicrosity about him, andDavis' kite just committed hari-kari inthe swimming pool. Third place goesto Lee (Pa) who was the onlycontestant to get his kite back in onepiece. That's it from the flying field!'(Thanks much to our staff for thatoff-the-spot report.)

The two victorious toads weregiven the grand prize of (you guessedit!) the two leftover kites. Stay tunednext week for "2001 Ways to BlowYour MInd!!!"

From time to time serious ASCIIannouncements and/or reports willappear. However, anyone who preferssuch esoteric drivel can have his nameput on the mailing list for the BODminutes.

This is for all you wonderfulwho've been faithfully following ourmarvelous misadventures in the class'rag of all times: the BOD minutes. Inkeeping, therfore, with our twenty­minute-old policy of "the customermay always be right, we're usuallyrighter," we have decided to give you asecond weekly recap of the aduaciousactivities of your Action BOD! (Hmm,this newspaper will print anything,won't it? [As a matter of fact. ...-Eds.])In short, the old "ASCII of

N" article-where N is some utterlymindless BOD officer-is being racti­vated at the insistence of the Techeditors (who are obviously damn wellhard up for copy!) [Would you mindrephrasing that?]

Slam! Bang! Pow! This week'sexciting adventure centers on theincredibly cut-throat competition atthe Second Annual ASCII Go-Fly­A-Kite Day. The intrigue deepened asseveral profound mysteries surfaced.Would Peter Davis ever get his kite outof the trees? Would Geoff Lee ever gethis just off the ground? Was the LloydHouse team of Pinizotto and Jacobsenout to crush all opposition asruthlessly as their early actions indi­cated? Most importantly, would thealleged judge (yours truly) be able tokeep whatever little sanity he hadleft??? We switch now to ourin-front-of-the-lines reporter, CowardHardsell:

"The action is fast and furiousdown here on the flying field today.The vast hordes of Techers (all eight ofthem) have truly shown what leaguethey belong in. However, no galacticrecords will be set, as some OxyLacrosse toads have obstructed effortsfrom the start. Jacobsen (Ll) is tryingto protect his narrow lead of 6000 mby bribing a random little kid to stealeverybody else's string. (It turns outthat the little kid is a counter-spy forPage.) Wait a minute! Wop is nowbattling with the lacrosse nuts whosewickets got snagged by his kitesrring.Despite mortal woulnds dealt thestrings, it looks as though Lloyd willeasily retain its dominance in hot air

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ThE hOt ThRoBbinG rivEtJuNe 3, 1971PaGe SiXtEeN

houses, are to joined together and beput under the jurisdiction of coachGutmein for an adjusting of priorities.Along with this went a warning to theBig Rid that if they draft any of the'special' frosh in the coming years thatthese frosh had better letter in at leastthree sports.

Special!!It has just been announced that

there will be a physical educationmajor offered here next year. Also thatfreshmen courses will be altered tomeet the changing demand by thestudents. Freshmen Physics will bereplaced by a Qualitative Course onGravity. It is rumored that topicsstudied will include Gravity and thefootball, why you fall down and Howto use gravity on the Athletic Field

There will also be a new mathprogram (partially due to the Math Iexperience this year) the first yearclass will be counting, first term beingfinger counting, second term attemp­ting to reach 50 and finally third termattempting for three digits numbers.The next year will be composingQuanitiies the third term dealingremoving quanitative amounts fromlarger groups. Third and Fourth yearstudents in Mathematics will beex pected to major in the subject andwill have to be able to product anytwo numbers less than 100 and also beable to do division by all positiveintegers less than three. The chemistryprogram for freshmen will remain aspreviously.

New BriefsTo the suprise of the entire Tech

staff Marvin Mandelbaum boughtanother set of underwear this week.This now raises his total to three sets.When asked why he did this unusualthing, Mandelbaum replied, "Since I'mmaking n! million dollars this year, Idecided that I could afford luxuries."

Expose YourselfFor Fun and. Profit

There will be a meeting of the

Caltech Skinny Dipping and Sunbath­ing Society Saturday at Millikan Pond.All interested Techers are invited toattend.

Joe PartridgeLays an Egg!

Biology is looking into it.

Thank God!Totem will not appear again until

next year Praise be to Allah theMerciful.

Feelill ClubTo Meat

This Friday, Aviv 13, members ofthe Feelill Club will meet over brunchin Baxter Pond, as part of its regularprogram to get club members togetheron a regular basis. Long pork, koi carp,chow mein, and other kosher delacicieswill be served.

Israeli folk-dancing will be held inthe basement of the Dome of theRock this Sunday. Instructor Ibn Saudwill teach cha-cha, the tango, andother popular Jewish dances. Comeand get P.E. credit for doing verylittle. (Buy an Israeli bond and youwon't have to come at all!!!)

Rumor Department

Wandering around Caltech for ayear one can hear a variety ofinteresting and informative things said.As a public diservice we now bring youone year of totally random interestingand informative things. Said.

"I don't know if I can help you .... " (Phys retch)

"And these things are calledbanana bonds .... " (Chem retch)

"It's amazing how much differenceone card can make . . . ." (Booth, Ia.m.)

"Well, that's the way it goes."-Millikan, first floor

"Monkies or mice?" "Chickens."(Chem retch)

"Wow. It's certainly strange thatwe're getting all these different ans­wers."~ Physics ret.

''I'm putting back the grape.""In which case they'll blast off

into the moon's atmosphere, or ratherthe lack of an atmosphere. '-ABCNews.

"Come back! Come back ! Youforgot page seven!" The California

Tech, one Wednesday night."We often do things like that in

physics"-Dr. F. P. Feynman."Caltech is a percurilar place."

~Unnamed Director of Something"I'm rounding the peaks up and

the valleys down."-Dr. T. Lauritsen"I'm wasn't entirely pleased with

the results of the last test." -Dr. H. F.Bohnenblust.

"With half reactions, if you'vepaid your money, you can take yourchoice."-Dr. F. Anson.

"He also said that 'Force equalsmass times area."-Peter W. Beckman.

"It was a secret petition!"-Ruddock House

"Half of doing well in college isknowing the psychology of the teach­ers."-R. Gomez

"I keep asking myself .... Am Ireally here?"

"Life is a sequence of problemsterminating in one we can't solve."-Ralph Miles

"I assure you absolu te discression­-I'll try to forget it as soon aspossible."-R. Vogt (2/8)

"I checked with Apostol. You DOknow it."~R. Vogt (2/22)

"Trust me. It's like trusting thePope."-R. Vogt (2/22)

"This is the 'let time pass'operator. It works for Bell Tele­phone."-R. Vogt (3/4)

"There is no physics in that--onlylaziness."~R. Vogt (3/4)

"Everything that is simple isuseless."-R. Vogt (4/1)

"It's on a level that evenHuttenback could understand it."-R.Vogt (4/8)

"All of you want to come hereand want to be General Relativists.You should be physicists instead."-R.Vogt (4/8)

"Rotation matrices don't com­pute."-R. Vogt (4/12)

"As long as you work with it, youremember it. Then you forget it."~R.Vogt (4/12)

"The guy in hotpants is actuallyGeorge Gamow."-R. Vogt (4/12)

Of Werner Heisenberg: "He's thekind of man you'd like to leave yourlittle sister with."-R. Vogt (4/12)

"Physics always backs up the justand the righteous--and that's me."-R.Vogt (4/19)

"They're all correct as long asthey give the right answer."-R. Vogt(5/3) _""'"-'_.......-_

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her not-too- un-awfully cumcealinggarments to the beat of a dim drumthat went Boom-Boom, Boom-Boom,in rythm with the Alpha cycle of areal fine man who was discussing theMayan diskoverie of Cannibalus Saliva,or the Man-eatingit-Hemp plant withMaximize the Book weel nown conis­ewer of bacteria.

Regressor Lungmire was scotchinghas soda while discursing on thesemitransfinite number of ways (andmeans (geometrical and otherdumb))to scre w-to-the-wall-and-other-placesthose dum or notlucky enough to takehis curse. He ways talking at, of allpersonell lam A, Huntress staphpsychoanalog and six fiend unnonext­rodrinary. T. S. Boneybluster wasderiving and snivling serious For=e-heyseries on the back of Orelse A. Mirewho was hoppily cutting holes in drinkglasses (thus loosing valuabel kikker),people and random inanimate objects­d' trivia with a portable gogal-wattlaser disguised as a plastic skupture.

Needless not to unsay many moreof our dear profs., tays, and dregs weredoing just what might not beunexpected of them and theires, buttime and nater forbid (and ask) us notto record them (besides and asideswhich theey bribbed us considerableenot too')

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"Arsenic - that's what you givelyour friends."~R. Vogt (4/19)

"Look around you and see all ofthe modern diseases--computers, spaceprobes...." ~R. Vogt (5/3)

'The only time that would befeasible would be after the nex t atomicwar."-R. Vogt (5/3)

"The whole sex appeal comeswhen you put hats on it."-R. Vogt(5/3)

"We are no better off playing Godin quantum mechanics than in classicalphysics." -R. Vogt (5/20)

"Symmetries are what guys likeJon Matthews, Gell-Mann, and Feyn­man dream about at night."-R. Vogt(5/20)

~"'Jewin~

ctj""1!I\\).l..~by Delerium Tremens

At this time of year the fucaltydecided to celebrate the cumming ofthe simmer season when teaching (orwat pisses for it heare) if forgotten animmemorial resurche begins. As alwaysthe booz and semi-unmentionableproducts of Kemikal and Bi-logicalresurch little understood except byMexikan pot-farmers and San Fran­kisko manufacturers flowed, oxidized,and dropped down the gullets of saidstaid profs.

Good old Pickel Loggerstun waswandering about drinking Gillo andraving abut the the greatest mostse m ifantastical-su percalifragulistic D­minor chordle ever written sung andplayed with. This seemed to tickle thefancee of Prof Gmz of Phscs whounapparantly kept refulling the pinchbowel with an odd (or even even)assortment of liquidds from of allplaces a brown papel bagg.

Keep Horney was gizzling a redconcoction while occasionally mutedxplosions came from his middlerregions. "What Price Glory?" herecittded as he fulled another glass: Hisgassy gaze was direct at the buteousbod of a fern faculty who as removing