Volume 5 Complete

7/30/2019 Volume 5 Complete

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A publication for subversive political satire and the promotion of counter-hegemonic discourse

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VPDR TIRES OF DEMOCRACY

asbarely a quarter of positions received anycandidates in the upcoming RA elections. Thisfollows strong attacks on the scheme fromcurrent RAs, one of whom for instancedescribed their role as slaves... used as freelabour to sort out the paperwork and

accused the Guild of tricking students intotaking up the role by l(ying) about what the

year ahead will entail. Then, just chang(ing)everything about the job description whilethey're in the job.

can also be attributed toseveral RAs having declared at the lastResExec meeting that they will not publicisethe elections as instructed to, and indeed

many of them have dissuaded students fromrunning telling them the job is awful. Othercomplaints include the diabolical attempt toorganise a (now-cancelled) Christmas ball and250,000 of promised RA budget having beenremoved after some of it had already beenspent. There are no known contingency plansfor what to do if so many of next year's posit-

ions remain unfilled or if the Guild isconsidering making any concessionsrelating to the RAs grievances. Howevernominations have been reopened and topGuild Accelerationist Robo Robertson hasbeen entrusted with the task of rectifyingthe situation; so we're sure that

everything will turn out fine. Vive.


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since the universityso values the aggressive pushing of reactionarypolicies in the face a popular opposition, it isfitting that it has decided to award AndrewVallance-Owen an Honorary Doctorate. His

delightful handling of the "Admin Error"incident particularly demonstrates hismanagerial credentials amongst a crowd ofotherwise incompetent wannabe-putschists.Vallance-Owen (AVO) has long been a characterin Guild politics. He was elected President of theGuild in 1974 in the midst of a mass rent-strikefrom students in halls demanding that rents bereduced (the university later agreed to cut rates

by 30%), and during his term was removed fromoffice after General Meeting passed a Vote ofNo Confidence in him due to his perceivedundermining of the strike.

on him, in recent meetings with Reclaim theGuild campaigners he seemed bizarrely over-concerned that allowing General Meetings maylead students pass Votes of No Confidence

against Presidents (democratic accountability,the horror!). AVO's term began four years ofconsecutive Tory-control of the Guild, which onlycame to an end in 1977 when the then-Presidentresigned after allegations of breaking electionrules. The subsequent by-election was then wonby a Dalek, who was notpermitted to take office. AVO has since wentonto become a director of the private healthcare

company BUPA and has argued for theprivatisation of the NHS, claiming that doing sowould improve hospital parking services,amongst other compelling reasons.

have encouragedstudents to bow before him for these valiantefforts for left-wing causes.

Hated tyrant DavidEastwood has had theClocktower turned green tocommerate the first

anniversary of the passingof Libyan dictator ColonelMuammar Gaddafi. Thislatest development comesafter both regimes werecondemned by AmnestyInternational for humanrights abuses. Rumours thatnext year's freshers will all

receive a copy of The GreenBook in their Welcome Packsare as yet unconfirmed.

unknown tomost innocent students at the University ofBirmingham, there is an ostensible class traitoron their Guild Officer Team. Readers of TIMEMagazine may recall its 2007 list of the worldsmost 100 influential people an entry for

someone who In an era of global capitalmarkets, there can be few better suited torunning a stock exchange than... Clara Furse.

Upon interrogationby r(td) operativesSimon Furse claimedthat his Auntie Clara

massively hates meand refuses to giveme any presents.

However, suspicions regarding Simon Fursestrue loyalties remain. r(td) would like toextend an official greeting to all upper-classstudents turned socialists: your probableeventual betrayal and reversion to your

former ways has been anticipated, plannedfor, and shall not be forgiven.


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Page three misogyny

On returning from the polo last weekend (rest

assured the low-bred opposition were given athorough thrashing) I heard rumours thatstudents had been arguing in favour ofabolishing public schools at the GuildsActivist Training event. I am ashamed tohave went to the same institution as theseriotous threateners of social order. What thesepeople dont recognise is that there will alwaysbe us and them. Its been that way for

hundreds of years and theyre not going tochange it.

Private schools are necessary because in anysociety there must be a stable hierarchy withstrong competent leadership, and those bestqualified to provide that leadership are thoseprivileged few who were raised in privilegedhomes, and thus by granting those deservingchildren a highly-funded top quality educationthey can be properly socialised into being thegreat leaders of tomorrow. They must learn adiverse range of subjects and their creativity,independent thought and public speakingskills must be nurtured.

As for those poor fucks who cant afford

private schools, their families were clearly notof high enough quality to produce childrenappropriate to enter the ruling classes of ourcountry, or else they would cough up themoney. These children are to be the working

With the Women's Officer havingresigned in September and the postbeing empty until by-election results this

week, men from all across campus haveexploited this window of opportunity to let

themselves go. However first prize mustgo to failed Zionist activist Ben Eliad forhis impassioned defence of theinalienable right of men to banter.Misogynists of the world, salute this LAD!

classes, and thus must go to different

schools better tailored for their needs.They must learn discipline, punctuality andthe importance of following seeminglyirrational instructions to the tee withoutquestion. This will mold an effective workforce, who know their place.

When you start allowing social mobilityto occur you get people disloyal to thesocial order raising to positions of powerand influence. This only encourages peopleto start questioning the legitimacy of oursocietys hierarchical structure, whichcannot be allowed to take place. Look atthe French Revolution. They allowed someof the urban bourgeoisie to becomeextremely wealthy and even to join the

aristocracy, yet it led to to years of chaosand innocent people being killed. Thereshall be no revolutions here, the class warshall continue and we shall win.


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Student activists were spectacularly outmanoeuvred byBrother Leader astwood earlier this term. Whilst dozens of students were attending theG4S expo/TUC demonstration in the city centre, Gideon Osborne spent the sunny Sundayafternoon safely frolicing with astwood on campus without a single picketer. The marchitself included another amazing blunder as a Defend Education member was intoholding a paper for Workers Hammer; a cult committed to combating 1. capitalism, 2. ageof consent laws and 3. bogus rape accusations. DefEd Members, who have often expressed

angry opposition to Gideons policies, were livid that such an opportunity slipped throughtheir fingers. about their intelligence gatheringcapabilities - is it truly possible that they could be unaware that the Chancellor of theExchequer was receiving a grand tour of their very own institution? When asked aboutbeing outsmarted in such an embarrassing manner, VPE Simon Furse to give acomment. The press office of the Guild has told us that Mr Furse has recently travelled toFinland to be in close proximity to the NUS national demo next week.

a week after the suspectedAnarcho-Franklinite attack on the Selly Oak substation, with university commissars issuinginstructions to ration electricity usage for the benefit of the Jamahiriyyah. In addition to r'samazing report on this (including details that could only be known by looking out thewindow) r(td) can also reveal that the blackouts have damaged expensive experiments in thePhysics department due to the university's Power Supply having failed,delaying the work of many PhD Physics students. Computers are still down in the GisbertKapp building and University Centre and Staff House. The university's rapid expansion in thelast decade has left it increasingly dependent on Selly Oak for electricity, despite having its

own power station that once serviced the entire university.to fight the university, r(td) would like to advise reinvigorators to avoid tactics that

may alienate the student body, however it may be the case that this was a false flag actionby astwood to discredit the movement, in which case shame on him! 4.


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r(td)adical redesign.We were incredibly keen to be indepth aboutthe reasoning behind the redesign of ourrevolutionary publication has undergone overthe summer months but unfortunately the

editors have only allowed to use 25% of theavailable article space because 90% of ouraudience is between 18-23 years old. As far aswe are aware the rest of this article will befilled in by the editors.

VPDR TIRES OF DEMOCRACY

, who gainedover 20% of last year Presidential voterunning on an electoral platform ofAgrarian Reform gave a final interviewto r(td) before departing on an epicvoyage in his van. He was the onlychoice for President, yet Birminghamstudents weren't ready. His van crossedthe horizon on a Friday sunset, where hewill be hunting for lands where all cats

are fed organic milk and clocktowershave slides preinstalled. He shall returnone day. Jack reiterated in with a finalflourish that it is not a matter of whenhe's elected,

This publication shallcontinue in its attempt to prepare theway for his triumphant return when the

dialectic has been sufficientlyinvigorated. But until then, we willalways remember you Jack.

Farewell Comrade Kearns


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Volume 5 Complete

Documents

Transcript of Volume 5 Complete