View From the Steeple 6

8/14/2019 View From the Steeple 6

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T h e A l l - N e w M o n t h l y o f S i l l i n e s s f o r S i l l y A d d i c t s

Volume 2 Issue 6

The all new

News and views from a congregation near YOU! View from the Steeple

© T Wheater S Lawder 2009

ets to a Twinning he had as-sured them would go aheadas he had ‘paid a Councillorto fix it for him.’

Neither Doctor Arhe nor Coun-cillor Bezellment were avail-able to respond to this seri-ous allegation today, andDoctor Arhe’s secretary, MissGaily Protruding, whisperedthat she believed the gooddoctor had left the country,showing us a receipt for thepurchase of a ticket to Ride, atown close to Winnie Dahpoo,the Doctor’s Punjabi birth-place .

Miss Protruding also said that

the Doctor had packed hisbags last night taking only hisDelia Smythe designer under-pants and a large quantity of illegal Russian Piffle, which,she also revealed he hadtaken to rubbing into his bot-tom and as a consequencehad become addicted to the

Police were called to Dr SayArhe’s surgery yesterday inanswer to the Doctor’s call forhelp. He was being attackedby an angry mob of chapatti-

waving Hindus who had cometo Charlatan from Pop-a-Dumb-Dad in India’s Punjabespecially for the Twinning Ceremony held in the townlast month.

As residents of the town willnow know, the Twinning didnot go ahead after CouncilorEdward M. Bezellment toreup the agreement following certain derogatory commentsmade during the acceptance

speech.A Mr Patel, leader of the Pop-a-Dumb-Dad contingent,speaking from his cell atCharlatan Police Station, saidit was a disgrace that some-one like the Doctor, a‘chapatti-eater’ himself,should sell them phoney tick-

stuff. (It is known in medi-cal circles that piffle ap-plied in this manner leadsto an overpowering desireto return to one’s birth-

place and there to run na-ked in the surf —if thereisn’t any surf then turf willdo, at a pinch).

Police said they were fol-lowing Leeds althoughthey believed there waslittle chance of them get-ting into the Premiership.

Dr Arhe, who looks a bit

like this, seems to have

gone missing with a large

quantity of Russian Piffle

Dr Arhe Accused of Twinning FraudDr Arhe Accused of Twinning FraudDr Arhe Accused of Twinning FraudDr Arhe Accused of Twinning Fraud

‘The Tale of Peter Rabbit’or, well, who knows, butwe’re certainly determinedto have a go”The Bard was heard to turnin his grave last night andheave a resigned sigh. Per-haps he is not ready ‘to bedone’ by Negative Equity just yet.

ever popular ‘Mr TimmsEats a Banana’ but all thatis about to change saysEquity’s Director Nigel Pot-tington Jnr.“I think we are ready forShakespeare” he told ourreporter. “It’s not certainyet, but we may be readyfor ‘The Wizard of Oz’ or

Charlatan’s amateur dra-matic society, Negative Eq-uity, today declared theirintention ‘to do Shake-speare’. Up until now theyhave been performing what might be consideredby some as light-weightplays such as ‘GoldilocksGoes Shopping’ and the

Negative Equity Set Their Sights on ShakespeareNegative Equity Set Their Sights on ShakespeareNegative Equity Set Their Sights on ShakespeareNegative Equity Set Their Sights on Shakespeare

Editorial CommentEditorial CommentEditorial CommentEditorial Comment

Hello again to all our read-ers. Editor here. I can’t tellyou how pleased I am (so Iwon’t) with this latest edi-tion of ‘View from the Stee-ple’ or ’Church Balls’ as mysecretary Gloria jokinglycalls it.She’s quite a girl, Gloria,built like a bus and a Charla-tan-er through and through.If I was asked to rate herperformance on a scale of 1

to 10, I’d certainly give herone!Anyway, as Percy Throwup,our tennis correspondent,said as he cleared out hispig shed, it’s high time that Ispread a few rumours.So here goes. Gertrude Gos-sip, chair of the Well INever, Really Society, whomeet every Tuesday at10.30am, blocking the per-sonal and embarrassing

products aisle in Netto, tellsme that a “certain person”has been seen leaving thepublic toilet in MarketSquare talking animatedlyto a “friend”. No names , nopack drill. Nudge, nudge,know what I mean?



I’ll get you, you little…...One of England’s guiding principles has always been‘Live and let live’. In a civi-lised society, all God’s crea-tures have the right to pursuetheir life’s work in peace. Theonly exceptions to this rule,in my view, should be wasps,stags, rabbits, hares, pheas-ants, grouse, woodcock, andshort swarthy Welsh people.But this week I am adding aspecial case to this list: thelittle shit who put a stinkbomb through my letter box

in the early hours of Thursdaymorning.Ever since then, my hall car-pet has smelt of, among other things, vomit andwhen, not if, I catch the littleturd, I will, very slowly, re-move each of his vital or-gans, one by one, fry them inturmeric, cumin and freshginger, and serve them on abed of coriander rice. I maystring him up first, I haven’t

decided yet.I reported the incident to thepolice but we all know what a

…………..

This week Delia gives youyoung housewives a fewtips on how to keep yourman happy and full of b e a n s .My husband Bill loves

beans and when he’s fullof them, although he fartsa great deal – something Ihave had to get used to –he performs exceedinglywell in the bedroom. At firsthe did it three or four timesa day, but with practice hegot that down to just theonce and now he can

make a bed in a jiffy – andthat’s a real bed mind you,none of this chuck the duveton rubbish and walk away.No, bed making out ourhouse means the rubber un-

der-sheet first ( Bill is still alittle incontinent after his op-eration), then the valance,then the bottom sheet, next atop sheet followed by threeblankets, an eiderdown andfinally a nicely embroideredScottish throw-over that Bills’auntie Doris made him forwhen he came home from

the asylum. Then it’s backto the kitchen for somem o r e b e a n s .I hope this little tip will be of some help. Next time I willgive you some tips on how

to stop your man fromfarting after eating too manybeans.

Biggles Blows off Biggles Blows off Biggles Blows off Biggles Blows off Rant of the Month by Wing Commander ‘Biggles’ ButtocksRant of the Month by Wing Commander ‘Biggles’ ButtocksRant of the Month by Wing Commander ‘Biggles’ ButtocksRant of the Month by Wing Commander ‘Biggles’ Buttocks BrownBrownBrownBrown

waste of space they are.They only seem interestedin arresting people who aregoing about their normallife like wife-beaters andtax avoiders.I am prepared to offer asubstantial reward for in-formation leading to thecapture of the culprit, al-though the nature of thereward will depend onwhether you are female,

well built and fabulouslyrich or not.

Tristan da CuhnaPresident

Knickerless

Barcody Prays for Sun-shine

After taking advice from PopeWayne and the Daliah Camel,Mr Barcody has seen fit to dosomething about the atro-cious weather Europe hasbeen experiencing for the pastten years and has launched

International PrayerInternational PrayerInternational PrayerInternational Prayerfor Sun Campaignfor Sun Campaignfor Sun Campaignfor Sun Campaign

A practicing Jedi Knighthimself, Mr Barcody says itdoesn’t matter which faith

you subscribe to as long asyou ask the Force (or God if you like) to do what’s rightand unleash some bloodysunshine. Religious Lead-ers across the globe are intotal agreement and havebeen quick to see to it thatthe appropriate prayers arerecited in their various reli-gious establishments.

View from the SteepleView from the SteepleView from the SteepleView from the Steeple ispleased to be able to add

it’s weight to this campaignand has commissioned aspecial prayer from RevGerry Gropem for readersto recite in the hope of generating some sunshine.It is now available from AllSinner’s Church Charlatan-cum-Quickly reasonablypriced at 10$ Zim

This is a photo of Nicholas Sarkozy who isno relation to Tristan’s president Knickerless

Barcody

Bill and Delia’s Bed

Bill Stickers Finally Caught. William Stickers of Chirping was arrested today as hewas pasting an illegal posterto the doors of the TownHall. Police were delightedsaying they have been trying to find the elusive Pimper-nel-Poster-Prat as they havecome to call him, for overeighty years. Mr Stickers

Delia Smythe on Keeping Hubby HappyDelia Smythe on Keeping Hubby HappyDelia Smythe on Keeping Hubby HappyDelia Smythe on Keeping Hubby Happy

Prince has Tai Chi lessons. Charlatan Tai Chi teacherTyed Wong On has landed acontract to teach HRHQueen Tracey’s hubbyPr ince R i ca rd o t h erudimoments of Tai Chi. MsOn says she considers itan honour and promises to

commented that he was happyto be finally apprehended as hewas getting too old to be fly-

posting. He’ d much rather be at

home with his armadillos.

Evidently, Mr Stickers breedsthe tasty creatures and apartfrom eating them himself, sup-plies zoos, restaurants and ar-madillo take-aways worldwide.

the prince.

Late NewsLate NewsLate NewsLate News



Accelerator Gland—whichseems to make the animallazy and lethargic, so lazy thatin most cases it will eventuallyrefuse to pull a plough or evenclean out its sty. Once theshag has been painlessly re-moved, however, the animal

Nobody really knows when itstarted but pigs have beenshagged in Dorset since timebegan. And it’s around thistime of the year when year-old pigs have what is calledtheir ‘SHAG’ removed—theSubcutaneous Hemispherical

gains a new lease of life andcan be quite ‘ornery’ as theAmericans have it, becoming quite aggressive—but willing to clean out its sty and pullthe odd plough nonetheless.Anyway it all starts thisweekend at Northcote farm.

A Vicar’s VoiceA Vicar’s VoiceA Vicar’s VoiceA Vicar’s Voice The Rev. Gerry Gropem discusses his concerns for the future

Pig Shagging Time AgainPig Shagging Time AgainPig Shagging Time AgainPig Shagging Time Again————Another Old Dorset TraditionAnother Old Dorset TraditionAnother Old Dorset TraditionAnother Old Dorset Tradition

most perplexed and won-dered what exactly her boy-friend had demanded.

‘Well he wants me to do it,like’ she responded to myquery.

‘You mean he wishes to havecarnal knowledge of you?’ Iasked in all innocence.

‘Na’ she laughed ‘that’s nowtnew, we’re allus doin’ that’.Na he wants to know if I’ll goback to ‘is ‘ouse an’ meet ‘ismum like.’

Well readers you can under-stand my dilemma. Howcould I recommend that thisdear sweet young child withskin tight jeans, a wonder-

fully shaped bosom which,incidentally, I noticed wasclearly visible through herskimpy transparent blouse,how could I suggest that shego and meet her young man’smum. Who knows where itwould have ended up—probably in marriage that’s forsure. And we all know whatsort of horrendous problemsthat can cause. So I recom-mended she come to choirpractice on Friday eveningswhen I can give her my ownpersonal attention. Well whatelse could I do? Such a sweetyoung thing—and such lovelylegs too.

It’s not often I feel a bitdown about the future but Iam feeling a bit down at themoment, especially when Isee what the young peopleare doing with their lives

Just the other day a young

girl came into the surgery Ihold every Saturday andproceeded to take out apacket of tobacco and roll acigarette, which she lit bydrawing a match across herbottom –she was wearing extremely tight jeans - andsat down to ask me if shethought she should give into the demands of her cur-rent boyfriend.

Well, I can tell you I was

The recent exhibition of Julianvan der Humpenslutz’s workraised over 5,000$Zim which

he says will buy more of thesexy underwear he likes hismodel Matilde to wear whenhe’s painting her. He says hefeels proud painting her thatway, although Matilde saysshe hasn’t noticed.

There’s soon to be an exhibi-tion by renowned Chineseartist Miao Tea Dung at thegallery. He paints bizarre pic-tures of cat turds in bamboolandscapes in a style so redo-

lent of the Chinese art of yes-teryear. Why don’t you comealong?

Hello there, my name’s

Tarquin Farquharson, butmy friends call me Starkers

Farkers because I oftenwander around the gallery inthe nude.

I run the art gallery in Char-latan-cum-Quickly, as myfather did before me and hisauntie Gert before him andher uncle Stig before herand ……. well, I think you getthe picture (no pun in-tended). The Farquharsonshave had a gallery in thetown ever since the Vikings

brought culture to the vil-lage of Charlatan in the11th Century. In fact one of

my descendants, Bill Lief Andersson, or Bloody BillBlood Axe as he was also

known, was a Viking artist of no little repute who paintedlovely sunsets using only theblood of any local villager hehad robbed and murdered.His paintings now sell forhundreds of Danish eurosbut as you’d expect they aredifficult to come by. You’remore likely to find a nice pic-ture by Pauline or RupertBristle, local artists who paintlovely windows and doors.They will also paint your walls

and ceilings if you providethe paints and brushes..

Charlatan’s PeopleCharlatan’s PeopleCharlatan’s PeopleCharlatan’s People————this Month Tarquin Farquharsonthis Month Tarquin Farquharsonthis Month Tarquin Farquharsonthis Month Tarquin Farquharson

QQQQuiz Columnuiz Columnuiz Columnuiz Column This month’s quiz tests yourThis month’s quiz tests yourThis month’s quiz tests yourThis month’s quiz tests your

knowledge of Historicalknowledge of Historicalknowledge of Historicalknowledge of Historical

CharactersCharactersCharactersCharactersIt was once said of Alfred theGreat that he didn’t know hisarse fromA) His cakesB) His mother-in-LawC) Somebody else’sD) His cousin Bert

Julius Caesar is reputed tohave said:A) I came, I screwed around

a bit and went homeB) I came a couple of times

but no-one was homeC) I came too quicklyD) I came, I saw and thought

Christ what a dump.

If the Sheriff of Nottinghamhad got his hands on RobinHood, Maid MarianneA) Wouldn’t have had to put

up with the silly pratprancing around in thosestupid green tights of his

B) Wouldn’t have had to

sleep out in cold dampSherwood forest with allthose dirty, farting Out-laws.

C) Would probably have hadit off with the Sheriff andlived happily ever-after

D) Wouldn’t have had to ap-pear in all those stupidHollywood movies.

It is not often referred to butHenry VIII murdered five of hismothers-in-law, sparing onlyCatherine of Aragon's . Why?

A) She was the only onewith a key to Katie’schastity belt

B) She was the Pope’s bit of skirt

C) Cardinal Woolsey had as-sured him she was actu-ally a bloke

D) He liked the way sheminced around the palacein her underwear



CCCCheap Lager for Everheap Lager for Everheap Lager for Everheap Lager for Ever

Sir

As a frequent customer of the Dan-gling Donkey, that well-known hos-telry on Brewers Lane Charlatan, Iconsider myself somewhat of anexpert on the amber nectar and itis precisely this colour, amber, towhich I wish to draw the attentionof your readers.

As a Guinness drinker myself Ihave noticed that my urine, after anumber of pints, is exactly thesame colour as that of personswho imbibe lager or bitter: amber! Ihave noticed this from careful ob-servation of fellow drinkers as theyrelease the fluid in the cubicles inthe gents. (I have not as yet wit-

nessed the colour of urine re-

leased by members of the oppo-site sex—and thought perhapsone of your female readerscould enlighten us all as to thismissing fact).

I have come the conclusionthen, that the brewers are add-ing something to lager and bitterthat hastens it through the sys-tem at such a pace that it does-n’t have chance to even touchthe sides and is released almostin the same state as when itstarted its journey; subsequenttastings would seem to support

this theory. I therefore suggestthat lager and bitter drinkerscould save themselves a wholeheap of cash by simply taking their glass into the gents aftereach pint and refuelling it thereinstead of parting with hugequantities of the hard-earned atthe bar. Sadly, Guinness drink-

ers on the other hand, do not

have the same opportunity of this cost saving measure as theurine produced by them tastesa tad flat and rather bland andof course it isn’t black! .

Thrifty Piers Artiste

Charlatan-cum-Quickly

The Missing MarmaladeThe Missing MarmaladeThe Missing MarmaladeThe Missing Marmalade

Sir

Why is it I can no longer buythe Brigadier’s Marmalade atmy local Netto? I have beenasking their manager when he

expects delivery and he keepstelling me to bugger off andkeep out of his affairs. Is theresomething the public shouldknow? What is going on?

Mystified of

Sadly Drooping

Compost CornerCompost CornerCompost CornerCompost Corner————Tips for Charlatan’s GardenersTips for Charlatan’s GardenersTips for Charlatan’s GardenersTips for Charlatan’s Gardeners

Letters to the EditorLetters to the EditorLetters to the EditorLetters to the Editor

This month also sees the arri-val of the Tod Fly in the gar-

den. This colourful little insectis consider by some a pest asit leaves its tod all over yourpetunias and effectively killsthem. However, their tod isefficacious and when fed toyour rabbits will increase theproduction of tiny bunnies ahundredfold.

Some readers have askedme about the recent intro-

duction of blue and yellowspotted carrots. Are theyedible and easy to grow?Well my experience wouldsuggest they are neitherand I would recommendyou leave the bloody thingswell-alone.

This month sees the need toplant your mother-in-law if you

want to see a decent crop of naggers next year. The nagging season, usually from Januaryuntil December, has been inthe doldrums of late and theblame has been placedsquarely on the shoulders of you gardeners failing to plantearly enough. So get the bug-gers in NOW!

This month’s prize winning letter comes from Piers Artisteof Charlatan-cum-Quickly withhis tips on making savings on

A prize of seven jars of ‘Brigadier’s Marmalade’ will be awarded each month for the best letter

Who remembers the HulaHoop and the Rubik Cube,or for those a little older

the Yo-yo?Well stand by for the newcraze sweeping the planet

ChineseChineseChineseChineseDartsDartsDartsDarts

Similar to ordinary dartsbut played with small gre-

nades loaded with thatthing the Chinese are fa-

mous for inventing:gunpowder

Unlike traditional darts

however the object of thegame is for you to hit anumber your opponenthas chosen with a well-

aimed grenade.

If you miss, the wholeboard and its surround-

ings go up in a pall of smoke that can be seen

for miles around and,

naturally,you lose!A set of 500 boards andenough grenades to blowup the Houses of Parlia-

ment are yours for750$ Zim

From

www.mammothcon.com

Advertisement

There, There‘‘‘‘Handbag’ Hermione answers problems sent in by rather pathetic peopleHandbag’ Hermione answers problems sent in by rather pathetic peopleHandbag’ Hermione answers problems sent in by rather pathetic peopleHandbag’ Hermione answers problems sent in by rather pathetic people

Dear HermioneI have a rash between my big toes. Am I correct in thinking this could be toesilitus?Worried. Chirping.

Dear Worried

Yes it very much sounds like

you have a fatal dose of this

dreaded disease. Hard luck.

Hermione

Dear HermioneI walked into my mum’s bed-room last night and found herin bed with Teddy.Dad doesn’t seem to mind say-ing he and Teddy get along justfine. Where do I fit in though?That’s what I want to know?Teddy used to stay in my bed.Dumbfounded. Sadly

Dear Dumbfounded

This is a problem for you I

can appreciate that. My

only suggestions is you get

down to the toy shop and

buy yourself a bigger and

better Teddy. And if your

mum wants to sleep with

that one, tell her to bug-

ger off. Hermione.



TTTThe Ladies Horseless Dressagehe Ladies Horseless Dressagehe Ladies Horseless Dressagehe Ladies Horseless DressageContest Saturday 15th 8 pmContest Saturday 15th 8 pmContest Saturday 15th 8 pmContest Saturday 15th 8 pm----11pm Sports Ground, Chirping 11pm Sports Ground, Chirping 11pm Sports Ground, Chirping 11pm Sports Ground, Chirping

The annual Horseless LadiesDressage this year will be opento all ladies under 75 who candemonstrate trotting skills.There will be no galloping in thisyear’s event after last year’sunfortunate incident in whichone of the judges was trodden to

death by Mrs Irene Blinkers whohad lost control of herself andgalloped into the judges tent.

InterInterInterInter----Village Cheese ChampioVillage Cheese ChampioVillage Cheese ChampioVillage Cheese Champion-n-n-n-ship. Monday 3pmship. Monday 3pmship. Monday 3pmship. Monday 3pm————5pm5pm5pm5pm

Sadly Drooping Community FunSadly Drooping Community FunSadly Drooping Community FunSadly Drooping Community FunPark. Sadly Drooping.Park. Sadly Drooping.Park. Sadly Drooping.Park. Sadly Drooping.

It has been made clear to BorisZakalov that it is a CHEESE andnot a CHESS championship thatwill be taking place at the Com-munity Fun Park. So it is hopedhe will not take umbrage like

last year and set the judgestent on fire.

Bring your own cheeses andmake sure they roll freely.

WiddieWiddieWiddieWiddie----cumcumcumcum----Fare Scout TroupFare Scout TroupFare Scout TroupFare Scout Troup

NobNobNobNob----onononon----thethethethe---- job job job job----Week.Week.Week.Week.

All week from 15thAll week from 15thAll week from 15thAll week from 15th ––––22nd22nd22nd22nd

Throughout WiddieThroughout WiddieThroughout WiddieThroughout Widdie----cumcumcumcum

This years nobs have yet to be

named but it is thought thatLord Charles and Lady CamelliaPorker Bowels will be taking onthe role.

Pig Shagging Pig Shagging Pig Shagging Pig Shagging————another old Doanother old Doanother old Doanother old Dor-r-r-r-set Tradition. Northcote Farmset Tradition. Northcote Farmset Tradition. Northcote Farmset Tradition. Northcote Farmthis Sunday very early startthis Sunday very early startthis Sunday very early startthis Sunday very early start

For those new to pig shagging,see article on page 3- but restassured the event is really justan excuse for a great big pissup.

Forthcoming Social Events

The Alphabet of Unusual SportsOur occasional look at unusual sports. This month sees the turn of the letter C

Croquet

the croquet lawn layout

Croquet is said to have beenintroduced by Davy Crocket,(who in fact was French andoriginally named Croquet).Just prior to the Battle of theAlamo when the defenders of the fort were waiting for theMexican Army attack, JimBowels and Mexican Jock

were bored and decided on agame of Gribble but nobodyknew how to play it, soCrocket, or Croquet if you like,showed them the rudimentsof croquet which he had beenshown by the Apache Indianswhile on a scalping expeditionin Texas the previous year.Evidently they were just aboutto start playing the gamewhen they came under at-tack, so it never got played.

Camel Racing

Camel racing in Chad

It is a little known fact that camelracing started with the Inuit Eski-mos of Northern Canada in 1132after Eric the Red had broughtdromedaries from Denmark totrade for penguin flippers, sealskins and chunks of ice. The Inuitwere not sure whether to eatthem, clean their igloos withcamel hair brushes or smokethem. In fact one tribe, the Gaspitdid in fact make cigarettes out of camel shit and they are still being smoked today. However the re-mainder of the Inuit used themfor sport finding them easier toride than walruses and polarbears. Eskimo records show thatthe first ever camel race was wonby an Inuit called Ned who cov-ered the distance from the northpole to the finish line just outsidehis aunty Mavis’ igloo in 3 days40 minutes.

Crocket

W G Grape at the crease

It was once said of W G Grape thhe just couldn’t leave it alonecrocket that is of course—and thwhenever he had the opportunat the Chinese Laundry where worked as a washerwoman, would try and teach the Chinehow to play the game. Maybe it issad reflection of his poor languaskills that saw the Chinese eschethe game in favour of Chine

Checkers and Mah-jong, for it common knowledge that Chinedialects are not easy-peasy lemosqueezy. For instance the wo‘crocket’ if pronounced in a certaway in Mandarin can mean ‘tearly morning sun rises with thdew’ or pronounced another wcan mean ‘did you screw my wlast night?’ As Mr Grape is knowto have been sacked from his jofor insulting the boss, it can pehaps be safely assumed that laguage was the root cause of threason why crocket isn’t popular China.

GGGGents Netballents Netballents Netballents NetballCharlatan ParkCharlatan ParkCharlatan ParkCharlatan ParkSunday 8th 2pm promptSunday 8th 2pm promptSunday 8th 2pm promptSunday 8th 2pm promptIs has been mentioned by theNetball Committee that this year’splayers should not stuff theirshirts into their Y-fronts as it isconsidered unseemly. Players arealso reminded that there will bechildren among the spectatorsand as a consequence no moon-ies should be performed by the

winning team as occurred lastyear with all the problems theensuing arrests caused the Com-mittee.

Sandwich Making ContestSandwich Making ContestSandwich Making ContestSandwich Making ContestWiddie cum WIWiddie cum WIWiddie cum WIWiddie cum WIMonday 12th 2pmMonday 12th 2pmMonday 12th 2pmMonday 12th 2pm----5pm5pm5pm5pmCancelled owing to thebakers strike.

….……...

Aquarius Aquarius Aquarius Aquarius

This isYour

Horror Horror Horror Horror----scope scope scope scope

for the year By

French Horrorologist

Uranus Pluto QuemienUranus Pluto QuemienUranus Pluto QuemienUranus Pluto Quemien

It was once said that Aquar-

ians are the Zodiac’s weirdoesand of all the Aquarians I’vemet I think I must agree. Youhappen to see someone withpink hair wearing a plasticmac and whistling Dixie whileat the same time eating a ba-nana, he, or more probablyshe is sure to be an Aquarian.But all that is besides thepoint as I want to tell you whatkind of an annus mirabilis youlot are going to have this year.First let me warn you all NOTto go to Trowbridge ….EVER!

It’s a hell of place and even itis going to be a bad year foryou, there’s no point in com-pounding it by a visit to thisugly wart on the rump of thecarbuncle that is Wiltshire.Apart from that it’s all plainsailing until the ferry you aregoing to catch in July for yourannual hols on the continentsinks. Everyone is saved, letme hurry to add, it’s just thatyour car and all your belong-ings fall into the hands of oneDavy Jones who collects this

sort of flotsam and jetsam.After you’ve recovered fromyour near-drowning, I foresee ashort interlude of stability, per-haps until November when awealthy relation whom youdetest dies and leaves all hisor her fortune to everybodyelse except you.

Next Month Pisces.



Following the farce that is nowthankfully the failed attempt at

the twinning of Charlatan-cum-Quickly with Pop-a-Dumb-Dad inIndia’s Punjab, the irritatinglyirksome Councilor Bent hasbeen in twinning-talks with thesomewhat roughly hewn bog-dwellers of Glocamora, said tobe reclining languidly in thaterstwhile potato patch that isIreland—the land not only of which Time has difficulty remem-bering but of the mythologicalleprechaun, the discordantly ra-pacious Nuadha McCool.Councilor Bent, who is thick witha heavy cold as well as a pleth-ora of dead brain cells, told theSteeple that “I believe a linkwith the folk of Glocamora maywell be a turding point in our re-lations with these wonderfulWelsh people” (sic).

Although he seemed reticenton the subject of the atten-

dant risks to Charlatan folk of developing a virulent form of spudphobia through intimatecontact with these uniformlyverdant people, he did let slipthat his wife’s uncle’sfriend’s mother-in-law didactually have intimate rela-tions with someone who hadknown somebody who hadactually met a Glocamorian.Their comments, reportedthe Councilor, were on thewhole positive although thisperson did find their commonhabit of lynching any errantinhabitant from nearby Bal-lykissarse who had acciden-tally wandered into The AuldShillelagh, Glocamora’s onlyhostelry, a little disconcert-ing.

Nevertheless, CharlatanCouncilors are keen to sam-

ple the waters—said to bereplete with health-giving heavy metals and nitrates——and are busily organising a junket to visit their counter-parts in the quiet backwaterthat is Glocamora.It should be noted that TheSteeple does already havelinks with Glocamorathrough the village’s ownflamboyant young curateProinsias McFeely who iswell-known in church circlesfor his needlecraft and hisown uniquely enigmatic ren-dering of The Last Rites dur-ing which he sings ‘OnMother Kelly’s Doorstep’ tothe tune of ‘Onward Chris-tian Soldiers’.

Breaking NewsBreaking NewsBreaking NewsBreaking Newsand entering and taken backto the police station where athorough body searched re-vealed she was carrying a sto-len salami and two mozzarellacheeses in her knickers.

When questioned she ad-mitted stealing them be-cause she was missing herItalian boyfriend, Silvio Bar-dolino di Lambrusco.

Mrs Emily Tripe (35-35-35) of Chirping Loudly was caughtleaving Grimaldi’s Delicatessenof Charlatan in the small hoursof Wednesday night. She wasarrested on suspicion of break-

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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearchsniectsit at an Elingsh uivern-isty, it dsoen’t meattr in wahtoerder the ltteers in a wrodare wittren, the olny iprmoetnttinhg is taht the frsit and lsat

ltteers are in the rghit pclaes.The rset can be a ttoal msesand you can siltl raed tehmwouthit too mcuh dffiucitly.This is bcuseae we do notraed ervey lteetr by istlef olnythe wrod as a wlohe.Aynawy, that’s our ecsuxe forany slleping mskiteas andwe’re sicktnig to it.

Evidently scientists and schol-ars studying Leonardo daVinci’s painting of The MonaLisa, have discovered that bylooking at the picture upsidedown and from behind and

with the aid of x-rays, a hith-erto unknown cipher can beseen in the top left hand cor-ner of the masterpiece.The cipher, presumably writ-ten by the master himself, hasbeen subjected to the effortsof the world’s best code-breakers who yesterday pub-lished their findings.

The message apparentlyadvises the people of theearth that the SecondComing has been post-poned and will not takeplace until after the Apoca-

lypse.God, it seems, does notwant to see his son annihi-lated (again) along with therest of humanity in thecataclysm about to beunleashed on the planet,preferring to wait until afterwhen things have settleddown a bit.

An Excuse A Discovery

New Twinning Partner Proposed

At Last! They’reAt Last! They’reAt Last! They’reAt Last! They’rehere!here!here!here!

The latest inThe latest inThe latest inThe latest inDelia SmytheDelia SmytheDelia SmytheDelia Smythe

Designer BoxerDesigner BoxerDesigner BoxerDesigner BoxerShortsShortsShortsShorts

No dangerous ZipsReduced tensionelastic for speedy

disrobing.Turn-ups for shortpeople

Extra material at thefront to allow forerectile bulging.

Plus all the usualrefinements wehave come to

expect from Delia

AvailableAvailableAvailableAvailableNOWNOWNOWNOW

from all goodGrocery Stores

priced about thesame as a kilo of

parsnips.

View From the Steeple 6

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