“Set adrift on memory b l iss of you” -P.M. Dawn

I’ve never been one for resolutions, I think they’re pointless. The beginnings of truly systemic mental or physical changes are nebulous. While I can see the attraction of having definite start and end points for personal projects, New Year’s promises often have no stakes. If they’re misssed, nothing is lost and often nothing is gained.

Thus I’m using this New Year instead to assess my present situation. My life as a mixed bag of attributes I do and do not want, like all others, . Though as my years progress, these things become more and more diametrically opposed. I’m the Bizarro version of Jerry Seinfeld’s “Even Steven”, the character who loses something then gains another of the same value. I have gained some things I have always striven for but lost in equal measure. In this way, my life his remained at average, a plateau – but one nestled between the enmities of two polarities.

As I look to each from the thin balance of my flat border, I am left am wonder, how did I get here? What road map has led me to this warring land? - Christopher Columvice

MINDMAPS

Mono no aware – I found the hair of a lover this morning. This lover is now gone. The hair was not only a hair in the sunlight dappled by the bars on my living room window, it was an implication. At once a reassuring reaffirmation of her reality and presence but also, like seeing an image of falling leaves, a poignant reminder of her passage. Her hair will never fall in this spot again.

Weltanschauung – Many times I was told that meditation was dangerous. When I took up visualization style meditation in earnest, I became haunted by a singular vision. The world around me was just a Papier-mâché fantasy, people and the words that came from them were hollow shrouds. The streets themselves took on an unnatural hue in daylight, as they were starch and gauze illusions. This was about the time I stopped meditating regularly, and the vision recurs. Dreaming and meditation activate the same portions of the brain, so I wonder if this was the danger Yudo spoke of? Have I become lost in a reverie?

MEDIABLITZ

1DIRTY WARS

A look at the state of America’s secret wars in increasing areas of the world. Made me sad to be a human.

2WATAMOTEAnime that defers from giant robots and aerodynamic hair. A shrewd and incisive character study of a girl with crippling social anxiety.

The last few months I’ve been absorbed with portrayals of war on faraway lands, and in the body and mind . Here are some of the standouts

3AKUHANAno

Another brilliant anime. Stylistically a mix of rotoscope, h a n d - p a i n t e d scenes and video. It tells a compelling story of strange adolescence and self-discovery

MEDIASHITZ

1MIRAINIKKI

An utterly unstellar anime that mixes elements of Battle Royal and Death Note with a pinch of rape gaze for its female protagonists

2INSIDIOUSCHAPTER2Sequel to the superb ghost house chiller from a few years ago returns campier than before, but it’s good camp. Unconvincing effects and poor acting make this feel like a lower tier 70s Hammer film

Well, everything can’t be a winner, in fact most aren’t. I’ve watched my fair share of stinkers these past few months. Here are my top three:

3MAN OF

STEELThe most joyless piece of dross last year

3D conjuring using:Cinema 4d, Illustrator & Photoshop

Upon earth there is not his like, That is made without fear

DISPLACEMENT MAPS

In 3D modeling, a bump map is a setting that simu-lates bumps and wrinkles on the object without de-stroying the integrity of its geometry. The map is only an illusion, a trick of light. If removed, the sphere is once again, just a sphere. It’s contrast is the displace-ment map, costly in computing resources, which actu-ally changes the points of the object it’s altering.

As a character in a 3D world - my time line tracking to the final scene - I wonder if my own changes more in-delible or transient. Does my skin show the hands of self-sculpting? Or am I a mobile mask, a slight of light and shade that convinces the viewer of refinement, while the sphere beneath hides solemnly droning, “I’m still here...”?

STAR MAPSLike any good California boy, when I was younger I dreamed of stardom. Though this wish has always been tempered by my intrinsic need for anonymity. This duality exists not in that Sean Penn way, where I’m attention seeking but when found will quite possibly punch a paparazzi – For me it’s just self-defeating.

That being said I have had my xteen minutes of celebrity. It all started in Elementary school. I had a friend there named Lacy Burke, he was a wannabe child star and pro bowler who played a few bit parts in a few 90s B-rated sitcoms. Our claim to fame was crashing the premiere of Gremlins 2 and afterwards sneaking into the Universal back lot and stealing a golf cart. We were later caught by an iverzealous security guard and summarily kicked out.

The next rung in my ladder to the stratosphere came when I was picked to be a contestant on the long-running MTV dating show Singled Out. I was one of he pickers, meaning I was the focus of the show announcing answers to a bevy of women behind me vying for my TV love. In the end, I got a girl I was not at all attracted to and we never went out. But after the taping I met up with another who was more my speed and it turned out she needed a ride to Hollywood. I obliged, we had a nice chat and exchanged numbers as she left. The next day, I got a call from MTV asking for my help because me the girl was a 16 year old runaway. I was living in a Fresh Prince video?

My journey has taken me from the Universal Pictures back lot, to the MTV Beach House, now to the roads of Phnom Penh. Where will my superstar status take me next?

GUIDEDGUIDEDBYBY

THETHE

MoonMoon

THEUNKNOWN LAND

Here, in Phnom Penh, I am the eternal stranger, an immigrant. Some shopkeeps and taxis recognize me but I will not be known to them. As the rain falls and I’m walking wearing my green army-style poncho, I am but a shade. I can hear some snatches of conversations with the ragged pieces of Khmer I know, but not much really makes sense. In America for years, we have speak with nebulous terms in newsprint and TV about the immigrant as either boon or scourge as it suits the message, now I am one.

Though It would be foolish to truly compare. I’m a Westerner, thus a more privileged foreigner here. I will ultimately have more opportunities than your average Cambodian and be paid more when I accept them. As much as I sometimes complain about the smell of death at my local market and the everyday confusion I face, I do enjoy my shadow existence. I am awarded most times the largess afforded only to children and the elderly. Any effort I show to be culturally correct is congratulated and I can behave in almost any manner I wish with forgiveness because I do not know the rules. But because of this I can never really join the game. The ball gets passed without me, while I fail to keep proper score from the sidelines, warming the bench

THE JOURNEY CONTINUEDTHE JOURNEY CONTINUED

“Let the currents and tides all carry me to the far off ”

-Fossil

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