Understanding Emotional Needs of Non-traditional Students

Melissa Costigan, LCPC

My Experience

• Masters in Mental Health and Behavioral Medicine

• Youth Dynamics, therapist for many non-traditional children– What DIDN’T work.

• Private Practice continuing to work with this population– What DID work.

• Thrive, parent liaison, working in the schools

Attachment Issues

• Diagnositic Statistical Manual– Reactive Attachment Disorder• Change in new DSM V• My working template

• My working template– Spectrum of attachment struggles/issues

Behaviors that MAY be associated

Control IssuesAvoids eye contactRageful tantrums

Lying, stealingActs as if not feeling guilt

Superficially CharmingDifficulty genuinely

connectingHyper vigilant, keyed up

Hoarding/gorging on FoodImpulsivity

Excessive somatic complaintsSelf care difficultiesSexually acting out

Struggles with emotional regulationImpulsivity

What MAY cause Attachment Issues?

• Abuse and neglect first few years of life.• Sickness in family, this child or other in family• Trauma in family system• Multiple placements in early life.• Primal loss of birth mom. • Depressed primary caregiver• Intergenerational patterns

What you MIGHT see at school

• A “normal”, healthy, adjusted child.• May be very friendly & very interested in

being “close” to you; clingy & huggy• May switch very quickly from being “teachers

pet” to being very upset with you for setting a boundary.

• May try to make you feel sorry for them and how horrible things are at home.

What you MIGHT see (Con’t)

• Just stops turning in homework, even though they have done it. Work refusal. “Forgot”. Erratic, inconsistent, unpredictable task completion or non-completion.

• Parents report completely different child at home.

• Extremely controlling behaviors with adults and peers.

• Lying; “crazy-making” lying.

Very common: Task Completion

• According to Lawrence Smith, LCSW-C, LICSW, these behaviors are ways the youth or teen indicates that s/he is in control, not the teacher. “[T]this fluctuating pattern of receptiveness to instruction is one more way the [attachment disordered] student seeks to remind the teacher that he doesn’t readily submit to outside authority . . . task completion is usually a reflection of how secure or insecure the [attachment disordered] child feels at a given moment.”

http://www.mnadopt.org/Factsheets/School%20Issues%20with%20Youth%20or%20Teen%20with%20Attachment%20Issues.pdf

Attachment through emotions

• Schools are very behaviorally focused, as is our society. – Positive and Negative behavioral plans,

rewards/punishment. – These systems don’t tend to work for these kids.

• To understand these kids, must look at relationships, emotions.

Erikson’s Stages of Development

• Trust vs. Mistrust 0-2 years• Autonomy vs. Shame & doubt 2-3 years• Initiative vs. Guilt 3-5 years• Industry vs. Inferiority 6-11 years• Identity vs. Role confusion 12-18 yrs• Intimacy vs Isolation 19-40 yrs• Generativity vs. Stagnation 40-65yrs• Ego Integrity vs. Despair 60 yrs +

Trust vs Mistrust

• Attachment issues are rooted in this stage.

• When child does not learn to “trust”– World is not safe, I am not safe.– Relationships are not safe– To survive, I must be in control.– My needs will not be adequately met by others

SHAME

• Difference between Shame and Guilt• Egocentrism at this young age.– Only way to understand world, “It’s all about me”, for

better or worse.– There must be something wrong with me.– Stuck in SHAME.

• Highly defended, protected against this belief, but at same time their behaviors are often about communicating, convincing adults they are “not good”, they don’t “deserve” good things.

STUCK in the Water

• Focusing on behaviors leads to feeling stuck. • Kids with secure attachment, feel worthy of

success. • Kids with attachment issues will prove to you

they don’t deserve to succeed.• Often use behavioral plans as a tool to have

control over the adults.

SO WHAT DO WE DO?

Translate Behaviors into Emotional Needs

• Looking underneath the behavior.– Controlling behaviors- need to feel safe.– Self- sabotaging- “I’m not worth it”, Shame– Emotional dysregulation-– Button pushing• Control- can I get you emotionally off balance?• Closeness is not safe. Keeping distance.

• MUST DEVELOP EMPATHY, UNDERSTANDING

RELATIONAL PTSD

• Working model or template, brain wires accordingly (closeness= fear)

• These behaviors, adaptive skills, developed out of a need (or perceived need) to survive.

• Dan Seigel, hand model of the brain. “Mind Sight”

• When living in an “unsafe” place, capacity to learn is limited.

What can you do?

• Understand & repeatedly remind yourself of the “why” of their behavior.

• Focus, as much as possible, on safety in relationship. Then learning can happen.

• Provide clear structure and boundaries that do not change.

• Consequences should change, be unpredictable, creative.

• Avoid adding/increasing SHAME.• Boundaries around hugs– ONLY FOR PARENTS.

What can you do (Con’t)

• Avoid giving 2nd, 3rd, chances. • Communicate confidence in their abilities and do not

waver in this. “they can handle it”• Keep in mind child’s emotional age. (middle school,

highschool challenges)• Avoid power struggles. You both lose.• Recognize when “thinking cap is off”• Make some rewards/treats not contingent on behavior.

(sabotage their sabotaging)• Use HUMOR whenever possible.

What you can do (con’t, again)

• Refrain from using term “manipulation”, instead “trick”

• Stress the child’s “choices”. • “maybe later you will be ready to try again and feel

good on the inside.”• Feedback should be specific about acts, not “you were

a good boy today.”• Catch them off guard. • Cannot be more invested in the child’s success than

they are.

(Continued… AGAIN.)

• Do not expect parents to force the homework issue. Has to be child’s motivation.

• Consequences for school issues, need to happen at school, though parents need to know about it.

PARENT – TEACHER TEAM

• NECESSARY. Find ways to make it seamless.• Parents will know BEST about what works.• Triangulation; increase anxiety.• Adults working together for their best interest,

communicates through action security.• Decreases anxiety, increases ability to learn• Even in middle school and high school. • Back to trust vs. mistrust. Emotional age of

child/teen.

Resources• Dan Hughes, “Building the Bonds of Attachment” • Kate Cremer-Vogel, LCPC & Dan & Cassie Richards “What Every

Adoptive Parent Needs to Know.” • Daniel J Seigel , M.D., ”Mindsight”, “Whole Brained Child”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0T_2NNoC68• Denise L. Best, LMHC, “Therapeutic Parenting for Traumatized

Children”• Dr. Bruce Perry, “The Principles of Working with Traumatized

Children”. • Attachment Disorder Maryland, Inc• “Different Perspective” Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp,

analogy courtesty of Dr. Kali Miller• “The Dog Ate My Homework”

http://www.mnadopt.org/Factsheets/School%20Issues%20with%20Youth%20or%20Teen%20with%20Attachment%20Issues.pdf