London • UndergroUndMgzn.coM • Advertise with Us – eMAiL info@UndergroUndMgzn.coM • oLyMpic speciAL

the officiAL UnofficiAL newspAper of the gAMes

[for best results, pretend this magazine came out at the start of the olympics.]

the entirety of the pArALyMpics schedule was today revealed to be a top secret benefits fraud sting opera-tion. Lead by British police under the coordination of Olympic partner ATOS, a strike force this morning locked down the Olympic village, where they claimed to have lured around 4,000 of the globe’s most heinous scroungers.

“The majority of these scum have used their pilfered taxpayers’ money to develop incredible strength, speed and athletic skills that they just can’t resist help showing off to each other,” said Detective Inspec-

tor Ford from the Met police. Ford explained that it was this vanity that ended up being their undoing: “It

was the perfect honeytrap.”“We began to notice that these

‘double amputees’ and ‘wheelchair users’ would meet up regularly to see who was milking the welfare

state the most. Sometimes they would even trick crowds of people into thinking they were witnessing ‘a triumph of the human spirit against all odds’. The ‘athletes’ would even get medals – all paid for by taxpay-ers, of course. Oscar Pistorius blew the gig when he brought his scam to a regular athletics meet by acci-dent.”

A press release from ATOS her-alded the operation as the latest in a series of triumphs against benefit fraud. The same organisation was recently responsible for revolutionis-ing the assessment process for dis-

ability benefits so that it now finds fewer people eligible for disability benefits.

“All these people were actually fit to work all along! Frankly it’s appall-ing that professional doctors didn’t notice this when people without any medical training could spot it easily,” said a member of the public.

Those who witnessed the Para-lympic sting were stunned: “Look, he’s running away from the police without any legs!” exclaimed one passer-by. “And they say we need to provide wheelchair ramps at public buildings – it just makes you sick.”

Paralympic Games revealed to be elaborate welfare fraud scheme

TfL offers 15cm of free transport to Olympic commuters

full story Page 19

the ‘athletes’ would even get medals – all paid for by taxpayers, of course

oLyMpic speciAL

Paralympic Athletes Declared ‘Fit For Work’

Warning: this magazine is 100%

LOCOG unapproved. TWITTER – @UNDERGROUNDMGZN FACEBOOK – FB.COM/UNDERGROUNDMGZN

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Seb Coe’s little brother still making fun of London 2012

Terrorists warned against using unofficial weapons during Olympics

Another coe fAMiLy reUnion wAs ruined last week after Lord Sebas-tian Coe’s little brother kept saying rude things about the Olympics and didn’t stop even though everyone asked him to.

“Well, it’s a huge waste of time and money, isn’t it?” asked Chad Coe, his baseball cap turned back-wards, flicking peas at his elder brother. “And why are you doing it in a recession? And haven’t you brought east-london to a gridlock with what economists have shown to be little economic advantage to local retailers? And –”

Despite attempts by the pair’s mother to defuse the situation, her suggestion that “it doesn’t matter what it’s like now, the most impor-tant thing is that Seb has tried his best” did nothing to improve familial relations.

“Chad’s just jealous, probably,” commented Seb Coe to a journal-ist. “Just because I get to run the Olympics, and all he’s ever run is a

tap. And also the Coca-Cola Cup for a couple of years back when it was still called that. Yeah, he’s just jealous.”

The reunion ended in disaster when the two Coes nearly came to blows over Chad Coe’s assertion that the Olympics Village ‘looked like a big car park’, before Seb stormed out and went home.

In his brother’s absence, Mrs. Coe divulged that Chad had been secretly watching the Games on television when he thought she wasn’t look-ing, and she had recently caught him crying silently as he saw Mo Farah win gold. “He claimed he had something in his eye, but I knew,” she explained. “Patriotism’s in our blood.”

“the most important thing is that seb has tried his best”

Stratford tube kiosk orders in extra Twixes

BhAi MAnsUkhAni, the proprietor of the 'Station Refreshments' kiosk at Statford tube, has reportedly placed an emergency Twix order after selling out two boxes over the course of the Olympic Games so far.

“Well, what with the Olympics and everything, I figured having an extra box or two of Twixes about couldn't hurt,” said Mr Mansukhani.

“Go Team GB!” he added, point-ing at a picture of Tom Daley.

peopLe with no AthLetic tALent have been controversially barred from the Summer Games. “This is completely elitist, just like eve-rything,” tweeted non-Olympic athlete Jeremy Slade, of GBNOAUA-PANOA (Great British Non-Olympic Athletes Unite Against Prejudice Against Non-Olympic Athletes).

One disappointed non-Olympic athlete received the following letter from Seb Coe: “It’s great that you play hockey for Luton, but Terry,

you have to stop pretending you’ve made the Olympic team.”

The letter arrived following an incident in which Terry Kirk, 43, ran onto a hockey pitch during Team GB’s training session yelling “I’m open you silly bitch! I’m open you silly bitch!” over and over again until wrestled to the floor and tran-quilized by the team doctor.

“Sometimes I think this country just isn’t very inclusive,” said Terry, sadly.

Non-Olympic athletes banned from competing in Olympic Games

teAM gB

the London oLyMpics coMMittee has issued a ‘stern warning’ against British terrorists considering using unofficial weapons to commit mass murder during London 2012. Offi-cials are concerned that homemade missiles and explosives could be unthinkingly brought along by well-meaning terrorist groups, in breach of strict rules regarding products from official sponsors.

“The Olympics logo has long been a symbol of peace, harmony, and lucrative advertising deals between multinational corpora-tions,” explained an IOC spokes-man. “That’s why any unofficial acts of terror will regrettably have to be pixellated when they appear on TV screens.”

Terrorists have also been warned not to tweet recommending unof-ficial products, in keeping with the spirit of the Games. “Obviously we want to comply with the sponsor-ship rules that have made these fantastic games possible,” said one terrorist, sipping a bottle of Pow-

erade and wearing K-Swiss trainers. “But it’s difficult to ensure that all our equipment, down to the last stitch, is from official partners – for example, we only realised recently that while our AK-47s are genuine

Lockheed Martin, the bullets are from BAE! That would have been embarrassing. Nobody wants to be gunned down by unbranded merchandise.”

The Stella McCartney-designed Team Al-Qaeda terror uniforms have also been a hit, with terrorists describing them as both practical and stylish.

When questioned about the ethics of profiting from acts of terror, one advertising executive pointed out, “What’s better, killing

civilians out of barbaric ideology, or also using that opportunity to advertise a really great product that people will love? Like this new Imperial Leather soap – washing out the blood of innocents has never been easier!”

“Or how about the all-new Olym-pics McBomb – it’s ‘TNT-astic!’” he added, referring to the viral adver-tising campaign that shows Usain Bolt running through smoke clouds and leaping over piles of civilian corpses as the Hamburglar (brought back for this special occasion) watches the carnage on television.

Local businesses, however, have reacted with dismay. “Londoners were sold the Olympics on the basis that we’d all get economic benefits. But if I can’t sell fertilizer to the athletes, then I wonder what it’s all been for,” said Jamie Cathcart, the owner of a Barking agricultural supply shop. “Here I am, stocking up on car-bombs, and they can’t be taken within 300m of the Olympic park. It’s madness.”

“nobody wants to be gunned down by unbranded merchandise”

Officials worried that unbranded terror acts will appear on live TV

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Beartrap Inc. Declared Official Beartrap Provider Of London 2012

Locog chAirMAn seBAstiAn coe today announced that Beartrap Inc. will be the Official Beartrap Provider for the London 2012 Olympics. “This just the latest in an exciting series of corporate partnerships between the games and private industries,” said Coe, holding aloft one of the many razor-sharp double-hinged death-traps that are being distributed

to athletes midway through the Games.

“A lot of people might say, why do the Olympics need a beartrap provider?” said Beartrap Inc. spokesman Todd Milton, eating a Big Mac. “The answer is simple: what if a load of bears try to dis-rupt the closing ceremony? And you don’t have any bear traps, or, worse, you have inferior non-springloaded bear traps from one

of our rival companies? It’s only sensible to take precautions.”

To commemorate the partner-ship, the company has released an ad campaign showing a mother raising her son to compete in the games by hurdling over the prone bodies of now-safely-pacified wild bears. “These beartraps are entirely in keeping with the spirit of the Games,” said Milton.

“What people don’t realise is that these Games would be impos-sible without the generous sup-port we get from manufacturers of vital services, like beartraps,” explained Coe as he took off his shirt to reveal a tattoo of every major Olympic partner on his back. “These critics don’t understand how modern sport works,” he added, as reports came in that the 13,000 beartraps promised by Beartrap Inc. were yet to be built and would have to be supple-mented by government beartraps at extra cost to the taxpayer.

Athlete seeks other AthleteYou were the Serbian archer who came 7th, I was the Mexican Taek-wondo quarter finalist. We locked eyes over the shot-putting. We should try and remember each other’s names.

pole vaulting event seeks eastern european-themed jokeHi, I’m the pole vault, I’m looking for someone witty to make a pun on my name, possibly including, but not limited to, Eastern European references.

Missed Connections

ronald, thank you for giving us your time today – i'm sure you've been very busy making delicious burgers to feed our hungry athletes Q So firstly, tell us – what is your favourite Olympic sport?A Wow, that’s a great question there! [Ronald pauses to take a sumptuous bite of McDonald’s Official McOlym-pic McBurger, available at all McDon-ald’s restaurants in the UK for the super-low price of £3.99.] Burgers!Q Are burgers an Olympic sport, Ronald?A I don’t know, but they should be!

Q That’s a great point! By the way, that burger looks delicious – if only it was available for the super-low price of £3.99 at all McDonald’s res-taurants in the UK!A Well it just so happens that it is, you should all go buy one! Ask me another question about burgers!Q Burgers burgers burgers?A McDonald’s McDonald’s McDon-alds!Q Are other burger brands available?A No!

car driversWhere can I drive?From 6am on July 25th, Trans-port for London is introducing a comprehensive network of Games Lanes, reserved for official Olympic vehicles. There is a fine for non-official vehicles driving in these lanes of £130, although that will be doubled if paid within 14 days. But don’t worry! The Hanger Lane Gyratory is not a Games Lane, and the public may drive on it without penalty.How should I approach London from the North?The southbound carriageway of the M1 has been designated a Games Lane. But if you’re coming to London, no problem: use the northbound carriageway. With a bit of Olympic spirit, you should

be able to dodge any oncoming 70mph trucks.

pedestriansWhat should I do if I need to cross a Games Lane?It’s easy! LOCOG have installed free telephones at 50cm intervals along every Games Lane. Simply pick up the receiver, and you will be put straight through to Sebastian Coe or David Beckham. They will arrange for an official diplomatic vehicle to come and pick you up, drive around the nearest rounda-bout, and drop you off again on the other side. If there are two or more in your party, you will need a car each.Will I be able to use the telephones after the Games?No. They will be ripped out and destroyed at the end of August.

Q&AWith a spokesman for McDonald’s, the official Olympics sponsors!

An example of the kind of bear that might threaten the olympics

“A lot of people might say, why do the olympics need a beartrap provider?”

Doping rumours force Pete Doherty off Team GB

FAQ: Olympic Games Lanes

forMer ‘LiBertines’ LeAd singer Pete Doherty has resigned from the British Olympic squad after accusations of ‘heavy doping’. GB coaches made the announcement at

a packed press conference outside the Olympic Velodrome. Rumours of possible drug-offences began after Doherty was filmed shooting up a load of smack on his bike while competing in the 4th stage of the Tour de France.

“Obviously this isn’t to gain a competitive advantage,” said

Doherty as he wrapped a length of rubber hose around his forearm. “You really think a man off his tits on Mexican mud is going to perform to top levels at the handball? No way.”

“We wish Pete all the luck in the world,” said one coach, “Get clean, Pete, and come back to us!”

Doherty went on to drunkenly totter into the aquatics arena and perform a slurred rendition of ‘Music When The Lights Go Out’ before falling off the high-dive board, accidentally performing a flawless reverse 3½ somersault and knocking Tom Daley into fourth place.

doherty was filmed shooting up a load of smack during the tour de france

Our essential guide to London’s only-slightly-altered Olympic road system!

Seb Coe Action figure

now with 35

comPlete

Phrases!

includinG:

“WhAT’s ThE

NExT ThING UP

FROM A LORD?”

“I WAs ThE jEssICA ENNIs

OF My DAy”

“ThEsE GAMEs WILL

LEAvE A LAsTING LEGACy!”

“MMMM ThIs BIG MAC

Is DELICIOUs”

ACTION FIGURE!

ThE AMAZING

sEB COE

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