UD Men Issue 2

7/28/2019 UD Men Issue 2

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UD MENMan of the Week:

Patrick Brehany

g. 20

Also in This Edition:

Fracking in North Dakota

Gunter Barber on Cigars

Joe Mazza on Batman BeginsWeekly Advice on Women

Room of the Week

And David Ready on a Camel!!!!


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About UD Men:

Two weeks ago I had a hamburger in my pocket

and the guy standing next to me kept making

strange faces due to the hamburger's odor. In

my mind I decided, Pung a hamburger in your

pocket if you don't have deodorant on is a great

p for a mens magazine, possibly a UD mens

magazine. That second the UD Men's magazine

came to be.

- Ra Bernardo


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Contents

Man of the Week: Patrick Brehany | Page 20

Arcles

TreasureQuest 9

Fracking in North Dakota 11

An Ode to Luke Stearns 15

The Couch 18

Departments

From the Editor 4

Man Quotes and Tips 6

Student Arcles 8

Hairstyles14

Weekly John Owen 23

Room of the Week 24

Food27

Advice on Women 28

Alumni Corner30


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From the Editors

Apologies

I want to preemptively apologize for thecontroversy we had caused in Issue 4 of themen's magazine. It wasn't my fault. Thereason I know there will be a controversy is

because I snuck into Joe Quinlan's room andfound an actual time machine he had madefor TreasureQuest. Again, it wasn't my fault.

*Revision: I went back into the time machinefor a second time to see exactly what went

wrong. It was my fault and I sincerelyapologize for it.

A Plea for Help

We are desperate. We need your input, andcontributions (of articles) to continue. It's theUD men who make this magazine. We just

put it together.

Special Thanks

A special thanks to everybody whocontributed. A special thanks to our parentsfor borning them and making them able tomake articles. A special thanks to theirgrandparents and great grandparents or

borning them. A special thanks to Adam andEve for borning their great great great great

great great great great great great great greatgrandparents. A special no thanks to Eve foreating the fruit. Now we can't be nakedanymore (cut out that last sentence, Will)

Check out those abs, possible future

employers.

- Ra Bernardo, Big Boss

Greetings

Whats up, every-

one? Im excited

about coming on

board and making

this the most kick-

ass magazine ever

written.

Boomshakalaka.

- William Hegedusich, Registered

Badass


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Comments on the Last Issue

Your spelling sucks!

Your formatting sucks!

Rafis Reply:

We'll do better for next time.

Sorry Mike Deluca about messing

up your name. Also, Will

Hegedusich has come on board as

our main editor and layout dude.


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Man Quotes and Tips

Sometimes you win. Sometimes you

lose but it doesn't matter, as long as yousteal the trophy."

-Joe Di Lucca

Whenever life is being difficult and has

you feeling down, just say 'Fuck it,

dude,' and go bowling."-David Ready

Be a man, stand tall and everybody will

look up to you".-Zach Anderson.

Malt liquor might not be worth it."-Bob Long

Call me anything you want, but don'tcall me late for supper."

-Mike Something

Inside of every person is a little person

exactly like them, controlling everything

they do".-

Andrew Rosenbloom

Nope, nothing. [I dont have any

quotes].-Michael Wadle

Keep is greasy.-Fanizza

When it comes to sports, my mother

gave birth to a winner. Thats why I haveto win.-Salvator Caputi

Can I get a ride to Walmart?-Every Freshman, some sophomores and a

very lonely senior

Real food, real friends?-

Anonymous

Tip: It' s much cheaper to buy PopTarts in the Bookstore than in the Rat.


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This Week in Pictures

The UD newspaper had Joe Kaiser on a Camel. Ladies,

say hello to our guy on a camel, David Ready.

Frisbee Golf. Taken from http://articles.catchitkansas.com/2008 -06-25/

disc-golf_24083195

Last weeks Man of the Week giving his thesis presen-

tation on the mind of the genius.


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Andrew Rosenbloom performing at Capp House

The Stillwater Hobos playing

during TGIT


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Student Articles

The Art of Buying

Cigars

- Gunter Barber

The best stuff is Cuban seed.You cant go wrong with DominicanRomeo and Juliets. Theyre all good.They got light and dark wrappers. They

are owned by the same family thatowned the Cuban Romeo and Julietcompany before the revolution in Cuba.

The only way to find out what you likeis to try out different cigars. Keep yourlabels so you can know what you likeand can keep buying it.If you like a

brand research it and maybe you canfind similar quality goods based on thatinfo.

Gunter Barber has been smoking cigars

since freshman year.A Movie That Every

Man Should Watch:

Batman Begins-Joseph Mazza

Although often overlooked as "thatmovie before The Dark Knight," Batman

Begins is a masterpiece unto itself,

telling the story of a good mansacrificing his own privileged life inorder to save a corrupt, sinful city. Justas in Hamlet, the sudden death ofBruce's father impels him to revenge.However, Bruce finds himself capable of

a higher form of justice,one which realizes thatmercy is what separatesgood from evil, and thatthis inspirationalsymbol of true justice ismore powerful than oneman can ever be. Theperseverance, fortitude,and self-sacrifice of thisman, who does good

without any hope of a reward and isinstead guaranteed suffering andhardship, is a powerful reminder of whatit means to truly be a good man. Byforsaking his own earthly pleasures anddedicating his life to helping others,Batman is the modern world's St. FrancisXavier (if he didn't hang out with

animals so much and instead fought badguys). I'd rather watch Batman.


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TreasureQuestTreasureQuest took place last weekend. Most people are now

wondering what Joe Quinlan be doing with his time from now on.We sat down with Joe to ask him a few questions.

UDM:What IS TreasureQuest?JQ: Only the worlds most ridiculous

treasure hunt.UDM: How many hours have you spent

on all TreasureQuest-

related acvies?

JQ: Way too many.

UDM: Joe, what are you going to do

with your life now that TreasureQuest is

done?

JQ: Release a Raccoon Jay album and

start working on the next

TreasureQuest. The last chapter for this

TreasureQuest trilogy is Spring 2014.

It's already wrien and ready to be

made a reality.


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A week ago, a survey question asked what you would do with a $30 million

donation to UD. Last week's newspaper article posed the question of what UD

would do if it had a $50 million donation.

We asked, If you had $50 million to spend for UD, how would

you spend it?

Tear down Carpenter.

-Tom Janik

"I'd invest in a nicer church."

-Louis Hannigan

A lecture series with great actors.

-Paul Fojut

Id buy a huge groundhog statue.

-Dan Schmidt

A new church."

- Edgar (David's brother)

Gormet shrimp and guacamole in the

cafeteria every day.

-JudeGalbraith

Id establish a horticulture program so

we could be self sufficient and grow our

own vegetables. I'd put some money to

offset tuition prices. Finally, I'd move the

Rome campus from Due Santi to high-

end real estate in the middle of Rome"-Anonymous

I'd donate to a music and digital art

program. I'd also donate to a class for

social skills, manners, public speaking in

addition to putting more money into

stock and inventory to make bookstore

prices not so high."

-Logan Thompson

Id take out a loan to discreetly

purchase $200 million of land outside of

UD. Either that or purchase a lot and

build a skyscaper. That way we can

have a bigger tower."-Raphael Bernardo

Build a new church. I'd put the old one

in a museum and put a beautiful one in

its place. I'd spend the rest on kegs

-Joe Giollombardo

You know how the New Hall is in the

shape of a U? We should build a

building of new student apartments in

the shape of a D right next to it. That

way Google earth will be advertising for

us Also, I'd probably make some kind of

endowment to lower tuition."

-Henry Lowe

2 or 3 new buildings, and make a newscience building. I'd donate a lot

towards the computer science program

and computer lab. New dorms and office

space would be good too. The labs are

too small and we don't have money to do

research in the science programs.

-Brian


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F ra ckin g

in

8 Months of Labor in Dickenson, North Dakota

An interview with Will Teller, a Senior English major, who lived in NorthDakota for 8 months working in the oil fracking business with 4 other UD

students.

- by Rafi Bernardo

I had maybe 10-15 days o....We got paid $20

per hour...

How did you end up in North

Dakota?

The summer after my sophomore year afriend told me he would hook us up witha job. I only planned to stay for thesummer (ended up staying for 8months). When I got there the job didnot exist and we (Michael Falconer,

James Cory, Michael and Brandon

McMahan) did not have a place to stay.After spending a day at the Pizza Ranch(a local restaurant) we found a placewith my friend's friends. The five of us

stayed in one room.


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Then what happened?

We spent the next week applying forjobs. We eventually met a guy at a barwho connected us with a job the follow-ing day. That helped us find a place to

stay because proof of income is neededto get an apartment. The apartment was$2100 for a bedroom and bath. Ten peo-

ple including the UD group split rent.

How much did you get paid?

We got paid $20/hour. After overtime$30/hr. The average paycheck was$2000-3000 every two week. We workedan average of 85 hours a week (reallydepends on the task assigned). Unfortu-nately they probably don't pay as well

today.

What did you do?

I worked for a company called WesternPump and Dredge. In short, fracking is

when you use water pressure to force theoil in shale rock underground to comeout. It involves drilling holes and a lot ofpipes. My job had to do with managingthe water needed to frack. Sometimes Idid maintenance on the water tanks, oth-er times I drove a few hours away, satnear a water pump and checked every 30

minutes that it did not run out of gas.Those shifts were usually 12 hours long.

Tell me about the town you

lived in.

The town's name is Dickenson, NorthDakota. There is a pretty big Catholiccommunity (three Catholic Churches

there) and there is a large Russian com-munity. The town was about 6 blockswide and there were 8 bars, 9 liquorstores, and a lot of black jack playing.Our first day there we saw people lose

$500 at a time on blackjack.

How were the people like

there?

In the company I worked ages rangedfrom 18 to 60. Half of the peopleworked to send money to the families.The other half did not know what to dowith their lives. They stayed because

they made really good money. Somepeople said they would stay for 6 monthsbut ended up there for 3 years becausethey enjoyed the pay. Some stayed be-cause they spent most of their money onbars and maybe a car or two. Otherscame to save up for something. One hadbeen saving up to go to a safari in Afri-

ca. He lived out of his van in Walmart.

Any crazy things happen while

you were there?

There was no application process to get-ting the job. All you needed was to passa drug test. One guy overslept duringhis shift of watching the water pump and

the whole pipe froze solid. they openedit and the residual water froze on thepump. After causing $100k of damage

he got fired and that's it..


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Any interesting people you

worked with?

One guy had been in prison for 6 years,really big. He had $50k buried in Cali-fornia and he could not dig it up because

it was on his ex-wifes brothers land

and they swore they would shoot him.

You get a lot of free time? Otherwise,

any stories about work?

I had maybe 10-15 days off. Emptying

ponds would take a long time. We werein the middle of nowhere too. Often we'dhave to drive 4 hours out. It's not sad, orreally miserable. It just got really, reallydull because nothing to do. here were alot of good memories too. Sometimeswe'd get to work with really cool people.A co-worker and I sat in a truck watch-ing water tanks for 8 hours and just talk-

ing. We had some great conversations.

Looking y, and giving zero fucks. What lady wouldnt want a piece of this?

Did we menon

hes athlec AND

musically talented?

I mean seriously,

what CANT he do?


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An Odeto Luke StearnsBy Donovan Kelly

We miss you, brah.

Dear Readers,

I would like to ad-dress a serious loss of oursand express thanks to oneman, who although he nolonger attends the Universi-ty of Dallas, represents the

best of all of us: LukeStearns. Luke Stearns, alsoknown by some asPrincess, is a most manlyman who embodies many ofthe highest ideals which westrive for here at UD. Jim-my OToole commented,smilingly, Luke Stearns isa manly man while maintaining his beauty rest for his princess mentality.

Luke is from a po-dunk town in Louisiana (sorry for the redundancy, there really are not

any non hick towns in Louisiana), and was a pre-med science major at UD. He attended UDfor three semesters, the last of which was Fall 2012 in Rome. He is now attending University

of Louisiana Lafayette for engineering.Luke is most remembered for his great

personality, joviality, endearing smile, andundying fidelity. In Rome, he earned theRome Award. For those of you who donot know what this award is, the Rome

award is given to the student that best rep-resents the spirit of the Rome semester.Luke is by far the best man for this award.Luke never failed to help brighten upthose people who were feeling down. WillRemmes recalled, Luke was always therefor you. He had an endless supply of ciga-rettes and great advice. He explored Eu-rope and Rome enthusiastically and never


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failed to tell the best stories about his experiences.My favorite experience with Luke was the long weekend we spent in Santander, Spain.

Luke, I, and three others found the cheapest flight on RyanAir to the most beautiful destina-tion possible and simply got upand went. It was by far one of themost amazing experiences I haveever had. Luke sought out Span-iards and used his ability tospeak in tongues, especiallywhen he raised his voice, to getus out of sticky situations. ErinJones described, Luke thoughtthey would understand him if herepeated what he said but louderand more slowly. He foundcheap Chinese stores where the

coolest gadgets are sold at themost ridiculously cheap prices.Many a beer was had over deep,engaging philosophical conver-sation. There was no pressure to find things to do, the world was in front of us, and we had agreat time.

Luke came to be well known among the sophomore fall Roma class as an outstanding,outgoing, hilarious, generous- hearted man. Katie Davern remembers Luke for being like ablack bear because he ambles also adding that Luke is SO funny. Laura Prejan found ithard to describe Luke, asserting, I dont think theres a word. There is no one word which en-capsulates all of Luke Stearns. We are all glad to have shared this experience and it has beenhard to continue without him. The females, especially, have found the loss of Luke Stearns es-

pecially hard, as Brigid Callahan described how the absence of Luke Stearns has led to a de-crease in marginal attractiveness of men at UD, saying, the average has definitely decreasedand it [finding men as attractive as Luke] has been hard. This same struggle has been af-firmed by numerous UD women, such as Katie Davern, Katie Hand, Cossette Kulda, andmany more, as they miss Luke Stearns expertise (he is a professor at a school devoted to help-

ing men learn how to court women) in huntingwomen. Here is to you, Luke, thanks, and we

wish you the best in all of your endeavors. Wewill never forget you, and we hope you can keepthe great memories, friendships, and virtues ofUD with you at all times.


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Quotes about Luke

The loss of Luke Stearns, the mostdesirable man on campus, is like los-

ing smoking and the Capp Bar on

the same day.

Crocodile Hunter died so Luke

Stearns became alligator hunter.

This beautiful and inspiring hunk ofa man is the only one who could in-

spire anarchy in a helmet.

I went through the Louvre and he's

the most beautiful thing I saw.


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The Couch

Disclaimer: This majority of this and the last issue of the magazine have been worked on at The Couch.

Pickup Line: Are you Ouzo? Be-

cause [Point at shirt]The Couch is a place for studying, and NOTHING ELSE, despite

popular belief.

Dont mess with The Couch.


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A rare occurrence of three gingers sing next to each other.


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Man of the Week:

PatrickBrehanyPatrick Brehany is a senior philosophy major from Iowa. Last Saturday he presented his thesis on Guy

Pearce. Brehany is the Vice President of SG, is airborn qualified (went to paratrooper training as part of

ROTC) and will receive training in the Armoured Branch (commanding tanks) later this year.

Patrick is great with kids

- by Ra Bernardo


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Tell me about yourself."This guy's harder to take down than a stampeding army ofdrunk armored mutant rhinos on PCP and can absorb moredamage than a titanium-reinforced rocket-proof concretewall built by Satan."

-Anonymous.That quote would describe me.

Whats something most people dont know

about you?I have lived in DC, Missouri Salem Oregon, St. LouisMissouri, Sioux City Iowa, Missouri. I enjoy not wearingshirts andI enjoy pec dancing, too.

What do you like to read?My favorite book is Harold and the Purple Crayon. Calvin and Hobbes is great too. I like reading Guy Pearcetoo.

What Kind of Music Do you Listen to?Deep philosophical rap.

Where do you see yourself in Ten Years?In ten years I see myself as a rich former army captain withhis own business.

Free time. Tell me about it.I dont have much free time. When I do I like to make

delicious mixed drinks. I always look for fun things to do inDallas. I just passed by the Riplys believe it or not museumin Dallas. Im going to try to sky dive by the end of theyear. Fun fact: over spring break I chased seagulls on jetskis.

Got a story of something

difficult you did?The summer after freshman year Ispent three weeks training inArmy Airborn school. In thestifling heat of Georgia wetrained each day. Ultimately Idid five jumps. Some withequipment some withoutequipment and one at night.

Getting ready we'd get suited up.They'd check our parachute, andwe'd sit and wait. We could notsleep or even close our eyes. Thelongest I waited was 9 hours.

Patrick is good with old people[At Auddie Murphy's Grave doing volunteer work]

Patrick is good with presidents


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What's one of the hardest things you've done?Convince the georgeous Emma Langley to date me.

Any man to man advice?Here's a quote I like: It's not just having the will to win, everyonehas that. You must have the will to prep. For victory.

Quote About Patrick

"Patrick Brehany thinks deep thoughts every day"

Patrick is good with animals


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The Weekly John Owen

Whats John up to this week?

Dancing to The Sinner byMemphis May Fire


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Room of the Week

The Suit (Rack)


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My ex girlfriend got me this calendar.

We haven't changed the date becausewe like to look at Pam from the office.It's been October for two years now.

Thanks PamChristian


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Look. A girl in the room and the door isn't bolted.Get it. Ahahahahaha, ROFL, hahaha, lol lol.

There are no door bolts in the new hall.

Hehshshahahahah. Hahah. Hahah. Hahaha.Hahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahaa.

Chrisans Commentary

-"Me and Zach Anderson are from Wiscawnsin. And Zack Wellwerts is from Illinois.

We're having a constant Bears-Packers Bale."

- The goal was to have no wall space.

- Flags: $1 Each online

- Craigslist couch: $30

- Chrismas lights: My dad did not like them so free.

Zachs Commentary

- Chrisan Gontarz is an ass

- I'm a lile piggy. Here's my snout. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink.


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Food

The only person in UD who

eats Ramen raw.

The average college student's trash

can


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Advice on Women

On asking to formal: " Be confident. Bestraightforward. Be respectful"

-Logan Thompson

More plates, more dates -Matthew Keating

Tip: Dont ask anyone to formal thr oughtext or email.

-Love is irrational, just like certain numbers.

Reprint from School Newspaper Lat YearRafiBernardo and Raphael Slattery offer tips on

how to ask a girl to Spring Formal.

1. Do your research. Find out if shes goingwith somebody else. Otherwise use hints suchas, Are you doing anything next week? Are you going to the Spring Formal? orDo you want to go to the Spring Formal withsomebody in this perimeter?

2. Ask her when shes not around many people

so she isnt embarrassed that you asked her, orso people dont judge her if she says no.

3. If a girl asks you to go with a friend of hers,ask if her friend can go with a friend of yours.

4. Dont ask multiple girls at the same time.

5. Dont go with multiple girls at the sametime.

6. When she says yes, run down the mall,

jump and hit a tree like in the movie LaBamba.

Secrets to Standing Out

by Logan Thompson

-Don't be afraid to dress differently. Girlsnotice variety.

-Walk with a purpose. Don't slouch.

-

Express yourself. Don't just blend into yourgroup.

-Flirting is an art. Learn to be subtle buteffective.


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"Usually nobody asks the really

attractive girls because we assume

they already have dates."

Advice

On Dancing: " Somebody's got to lead,somebody's got to follow. It's alright to talkwhile dancing. Just go with the flow."

-Matt Wiscowski

On talking to girls:...Don't-Vandal

Don't ask her to marry you until you know

her name.

-Franco DeCandio

Pickup LinesHey! Who put cupid there?What do a polar bear and you have incommon? They break the ice.

On a scale from 1-10 youd be a seven. Itsthe Hebrew number for perfection.

Why are you tanning? I like you the way youare.If love were chocolate, youd be a candy bar.You are one in seven billion. Im blessed to beable to talk to you.

You make me not want to be a seminarian.Dang girl, did I break the law? Because whenI looked at you, all I saw was a fine.

-by Rafi Bernardo and Rafe Slattery

If beauty were time you'd be eternity-Too good to be from a UD guy

If my nose were running money I'd blow it allon you.

-?

Hey there. So I bet my friends 50 bucks that Icould talk to the most beautiful woman here.Wanna get drinks with their money?

-Anonymous

"I own that block over there. It's agovernment building and I paytaxes"

-Anonymous

"'Make me a sandwich is not a good pickpickup line."

- Mike McCullen

I just checked my weather report. 100%chance of seeing you again.

-Sean Byers

Analysis of Sean Byer's Pickup Line

This is an interesting pickupline. It must mean thatyour weather report says you will see her again, andthat based on the report you are likely to see her sometime in the future whether in one day, a week or sometime in the 9 day. Not month because month reportsare not accurate. The pickup line is a little confusingbecause I could not find an app on the iPhone orAndroid phone that does this. How is it possible for

him to see her again if no weather report exists in thefirst place? Even if a weather report did exist weatherreports do not talk about seeing women again.. Thatwould be messed up if weather reports did becausethat would mean we would need many people withcameras, and phones, and google maps finding outinformation about every single woman. (Also wouldthe weather report say if she has a boyfriend or not?Aristotle help me, isn't it unethical to talk to a womanwith a boyfriend? Is it ethical to talk to women whenyou gave up talking to women for lent? While we're at

it what are the ethics of making a report that trackswomen?). This is terrible for women. Imagine ifsomebody texted to ask where you will be at 8:00pmfor example, and then uploaded that information ontoan online database. I give this pickup line a 1/5 on ascale that has both pounds and kilograms. It is a realshame our society has come to a point that evenpickuplines lack privacy. Peace. Piece. Can I have apeace of that McChicken?


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Alumni Corner

"After about a week in the working world, you realize how bad most people are atmost things."

- Johnny Lappe

UD people tend to be averse to self-help books. Ihave found that, though I'd muchrather read the Summa on my spare time, reading books like "The Seven Habits ofHighly Effective People," "The One Minute Manager," "Flow, The Psychology

of Optimal Experience," and, yes, even books about how to socialize, has made me

able to learn much about myself and how the professional world works. Being worldlymeans being in the world but not of it; an effective life dedicated to others in theprofessional life means to understand others as they are, not as they should be. Many

of those books have been the gateway to that understanding.

- Juan Antonio Solares


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Classifieds

Hey. Buy your SpringFormal ckets. Ticket

sales end on the 11th.

Abby Bagby cuts hair.$10.00 a haircut, on cam-

pus.

Need a sandwich?Contact Kae

Hand: (316-841-

8039)

Morgan Culbin, whoare you and where can

we nd you? In last

year's April Fools Day

edion we saw some

of the best pickuplines

we had ever seen. We

are in need of your

help

Looking for somebody

who wants a book

about them. It will be

a short book about a

story that took place

in your life both in

print and electronic

form.-Ra Bernardo

Freshclean, LLC

A Student-Run

Cleaning Service

freshcleanLLC.com

The Sllwater Hobos

are running a Kick-

starter Campaign. Find

them on Facebook

and help them out!

Got good pickup lines?

Contact the editors of

the magazine to be a

part of our new text

pickup line service,

coming next week.

More info soon.

Hi, Im Paco, and

Im single!

Post to

facebook.com/

udclassieds to put

classieds above

Outside companies

are welcome to ad-

verse here as well

for a small fee

UD Men Issue 2

Documents

Transcript of UD Men Issue 2