Two and a Half Men s01e02

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Transcript of Two and a Half Men s01e02





========================== DISCLAIMER: ==========================

The following is not a novelization or an actual script but a dry transcript of the aired episode that includes accurate word-to-word dialogues, settings descriptions, action scenes and/or camera movements where the transcriber felt they were necessary. This transcript is posted on "TWIZ TV.COM" in world wide web exclusivity by courtesy of CHRISTINE BLACHFORD. "TWO AND A HALF MEN" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and by CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS and THE TANNENBAUM COMPANY in association with WARNER BROS. TELEVISION and CBS. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain. For entertainment and educational purposes only. No infringement intended. ========================== TRANSCRIPT: ==========================


[Charlie is sat at the piano. Jake is standing beside him, drinking from a juice box.] Charlie: Let s see, what else? Oh, okay. Here s one of the first things your Uncle Charlie wrote. [Plays and sings] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Huh? What do you think?

Jake: Must have been before my time.

Charlie: Okay, we re done here. [They get up.] Hey, hey, don t leave your juice box on the piano, it leaves a ring.

Jake: [picks up the box] How could a box leave a ring?

Alan: Got to run to the grocery store, I m gonna need somebody to fold these clothes.

Charlie: I don t know if the grocery store is the first place I d go for that, but good luck.

Alan: [to Jake] Oh, oh, remember, you re being punished. So, no TV, no computer, no GameBoy. Charlie? I need you to be my eyes and ears.

Charlie: Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

[Jake pulls a red bra out of the laundry basket.]

Jake: Woah, who s is this?

Alan: Uh, Charlie, you want to field that one?


Charlie: No problem. Jake, sometimes when you have a casual sexual relationship

Alan: Alright, alright. Jake, we take in strangers laundry because we re poor. I ll be back in an hour. Start folding. No TV.

[He exits. Charlie tucks the bra away in his shorts pocket. They start folding.]

Charlie: What d you get busted for?

Jake: I painted my room at Mom s house.

Charlie: What s wrong with that?

Jake: [shrugs] I m 10 years old.

Charlie: Hey [throws a balled up sock in the air.] How about a little sock golf?

Jake: What s that?

Charlie: Okay, here s how it works. The living room is a dogleg par four. That means you have to get your sock into the kitchen sink in four strokes or less.

Jake: Okay.

Charlie: We ll play for a quarter a hole. Your handicap s obvious. You re short and you ve never heard of the Ninja Turtles. Alright, keep your knees bent, your arms straight, and swing easy.


[Jake holds the sock ball in one hand, swings the other hand behind him and bats it across the room. It lands in the kitchen.]

Charlie: Oh man, I m being hustled.

Jake: We can play for less if you want. Charlie: Don t get cocky. There s 17 more holes. [He bats his sock.]


[Charlie and Jake are stood at the top of the stairs, staring down at a waste paper basket on top of the coffee table. Charlie is pretending to be a commentator with a British accent.]

Charlie: [British] The 18th hole. All square. The defending champion looks to have an easy tap-in for a birdie as the gallery waits breathlessly for the rookie to respond.

Jake: Would you please stop talking?

Charlie: [British] Tempers flare as the pressure mounts.

[Jake bats his sock and it goes straight into the basket. They look at each other then race down the stairs.]

Jake: Yea!!

Charlie: [British] It s unbelievable!! An eagle on the 18th. This has never happened before in the history of sock golf.


[Alan enters carrying brown shopping bags.]

Alan: A little help here?

Charlie: [British] Fans are coming out of the gallery with sacks of groceries for the young phenom.

Alan: What s going on?

Jake: I won. I beat Uncle Charlie.

Alan: Excuse me? Didn t I ask you to fold the laundry?

Charlie: [British] Laundry? Are you barking mad? The child just won the coveted [pulls a bottle out of Alan s shopping bags] Palmolive cup. [Throws the bottle to Jake.]

Jake: [Chants and dances away] I won. You lose. I won. You lose.

Alan: Charlie, when I ask Jake to do something I need you to help me make sure that he does it. I m trying to teach him responsibility. [Picks up the sock from the basket] This sock is soaking wet.

Charlie: Yea, I chipped into the water hazard on the ninth and the lid was open.

Alan: So, this is toilet water?

Charlie: At least.


[Alan drops the sock in disgust.]


[Charlie is sitting on the sofa, watching TV. Alan enters.]

Alan: Alright. I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry, I put the groceries away

Charlie: The guilt thing doesn t work on me, Alan.

Alan: Yea, well, it s all I got. I ll be back in a little while.

Charlie: Where you going?

Alan: I have to bring the garbage cans back in.

Charlie: Today wasn t garbage day.

Alan: Oh no, not here. At Judith s.

Charlie: At Judith s? Alan, your wife threw you out.

Alan: Yea well, that doesn t mean she doesn t need me.

Charlie: Yea, it kinda does. 6

Alan: Well, look, we re still married. It s still my house and she still counts on me to do a few chores. It s good, it leaves the door open for, you know, reconciliation.

Charlie: I see. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?

Alan: [looks mad] They re on wheels.

[Alan exits and Charlie goes back to watching the television. Jake peers round the corner.]

Jake: What are you watching?

Charlie: I m watching a movie and you re not supposed to be watching anything.

Jake: Oh yea. Is that guy a good guy or a bad guy?

Charlie: Good guy. And you re not supposed to be watching TV.

Jake: I know. [Comes into the room a little bit more] Is that his girlfriend?

Charlie: Ex-girlfriend.

Jake: But he still loves her, right?

Charlie: I m not gonna walk you through the whole movie I think so. Go to bed, Jake.


Jake: Okay.

[Cut to: Later. Jake is now perched on the arm of the sofa, watching the movie.]

Charlie: Who s that guy?

Jake: That s the guy he was in jail with and told him where the money was hidden.

Charlie: Oh right. Hey, you re being punished. No TV.

Jake: I know.

[Cut to: Later. Jake is now sitting next to Charlie on the sofa, and they are sharing a bowl of popcorn. Alan enters.]

Alan: What the hell is going on?

Jake/Charlie: Shh.

Alan: Jake?

Jake: Night.

[Jake runs off to bed. Alan storms in and switches off the TV.]

Charlie: Hey, I m watching that. 8

Alan: What part of no TV didn t you understand?

Charlie: I m allowed to watch TV.

Alan: I mean Jake.

Charlie: I said No TV , he said Okay . I said Go to bed , he said Okay . What d you want from me?

Alan: Charlie, he s taking advantage of you because he knows you won t follow through.

Charlie: Well, he obviously knows me better than you do.

Alan: Okay, look, if this is going to work out with Jake living here part time, you have to be an adult. You have to impose discipline.

Charlie: Yea, fine, whatever. Give me back the remote.

Alan: No, no, no. You re not listening to me. You need to be firm.

Charlie: Okay. [puts the popcorn down, and in a serious voice] Go to your room.

Alan: Yes, like that.

Charlie: I mean it. Give me the remote and go to your room.


Alan: That s very funny. Ha ha.

Charlie: I m serious. Get out of here or I will kick your ass.

[He stands up and Alan runs out of the way.]


[The piano has a juice box on it. Charlie comes down the stairs and sees it.]

Charlie: Oh man.

[He picks up the box and polishes the piano with his shirt. As he is walking to the kitchen, he notices the door to the deck is open. There are three seagulls perched on the balcony.]

Charlie: Shoo.

[The birds do not move. Charlie makes a sudden movement to scare them. It does not work. He backs inside and shuts the door. He goes to the next room. Jake is sitting on the sofa, watching cartoons.]

Charlie: Jake. [Jake ignores him. Louder.] Jake.

Jake: [jumps and switches off the TV.] It was on when I came in.

Charlie: Yea, right. What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano? 10

Jake: How do you know it s mine?

Charlie: Come on, who else around here drinks Transylvania Goofy Juice ?

Jake: Good point.

Charlie: And another thing. Were you on the deck feeding the seagulls again?

Jake: Sorry, I forgot.

Charlie: Okay, we need to talk.

Jake: Love you, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Look, we don t feed the seagulls because