TRUMAN WACO

"Binge Watching"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

CARLA (40) is in the room. TRUMAN (40) and LEVI (35) walk in

carrying a TV box with a pizza box on top of it. They put

the boxes down.

TRUMAN

OK. One pizza and one TV.

CARLA

Who told you to buy a new TV?

TRUMAN

I was watching a commercial on our

old TV, and it said, "Buy a new

TV."

LEVI

You know, something like that

happened to last week, while I was

having sex.

TRUMAN

You mean someones old vagina told

you to buy a new vagina?

LEVI

Sort of. Its a long story.

CARLA

Please dont tell it.

LEVI

Well. I gotta get going. You know

how my wife is. She wants me to be

home at 8:30 sharp.

TRUMAN

Have a slice before you go.

LEVI

Well. I mean, I already ate an

entire pizza in the car. But I

guess I can have another slice.

TRUMAN

Also, you dont have a wife or

home. You live here with us.

LEVI

Right. Yeah. In that case, Ill

have two slices, and maybe Ill

order another pizza.

2.

Everyone starts eating pizza.

BRUNO walks down the stairs.

TRUMAN

Bruno--check it out. A new TV.

Truman grabs a remote, points it at the new TVs box, and

presses power repeatedly. The old TV behind him turns on and

off repeatedly, but Truman focuses on the new TVs box.

TRUMAN

How come the new TV isnt turning

on?

BRUNO

Well. I can think of three main

reasons. One, youre using the

remote for the old TV. Two, you

havent plugged in the new TV. And

three, you havent even taken the

newt TV out of its box.

TRUMAN

Well why do they have to make

technology so complicated these

days? In the 80s, you didnt have

to do all of that unbox and plug in

crap. You just pressed power on

your old remote, and your new TV

leapt out of the box and turned on.

Plus, gas only cost 23 cents a

gallon, and when you got an STD, it

actually made you better at sex.

Not like all these new STDs.

(later)

Bruno finishes setting up the TV. He uses the remote and

turns the TV on.

BRUNO

OK. This is a Smart TV.

TRUMAN

What does that mean?

BRUNO

It connects to the internet.

TRUMAN

Oh. Like my underwear.

3.

BRUNO

Your underwears not connected to

the internet.

TRUMAN

Then how come any time I take off

my underwear, I hear the AOL guy

say, "Youve got mail!"

LEVI

Because youre a schizophrenic.

TRUMAN

(to Bruno)

So whats so great about having a

TV thats connected to the

internet?

BRUNO

Well. You can watch TV shows

whenever you want. Like, you click

on HBO Go, and then you click on

Sex and the City, and then you can

find the episode where Carrie and

Mr. Big eat nachos for dinner.

TRUMAN

How do you know so much about Sex

and the City?

BRUNO

Because Im a ten year old boy.

Doesnt every ten year old boy know

a lot about Sex and the City?

(flips through the HBO Go

menu)

Anyways, look. Any episode of any

HBO show. You can even watch, like,

a whole season of a show all at

once. Its called binge watching.

TRUMAN

Sounds stupid to me.

INT. HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Truman is watching TV. Carla walks into the room.

CARLA

Honey. Did you go to bed last

night?

4.

TRUMAN

No.

CARLA

Well what the hell have you been

doing?

TRUMAN

Watching Entourage. Im up to

season three.

CARLA

You dont have to watch the entire

show in one sitting.

TRUMAN

Honey--will you stop talking? Aris

about the close the deal for

Medellin.

Levi walks out of the kitchen.

CARLA

Are you ready?

LEVI

Yeah.

CARLA

Well wheres your bag?

LEVI

Why would I need a bag to go back

upstairs and have sex with the

woman in my room?

CARLA

What are you talking about? Were

going to mom and dads house.

LEVI

Oh. When you said, "Are you ready?"

I thought you meant, "Are you ready

to go back upstairs and have sex

with the woman in your room?"

CARLA

Why the hell would I ask that? I

meant, "Are you ready to leave for

mom and dads house?"

5.

LEVI

No. Let me go get packed.

He goes upstairs, and comes back down seconds later with a

BROOKE (30). Hes also holding a plastic bag containing some

clothes.

LEVI

OK. Im ready. Oh--this is my

friend Brooke. Brooke--this is my

sister Carla.

CARLA

Hi.

BROOKE

Hi.

(to Levi)

Wow, Joe. You must be a really good

brother. I mean, you let your

sister live here at your house.

LEVI

Actually, this is her house.

BROOKE

Oh. No wonder your room isnt the

master bedroom. So, uh, I guess

youre not really a millionaire who

makes iPhone apps.

LEVI

Yeah. That was a little white lie.

BROOKE

Um. That doesnt really qualify as

a little white lie.

LEVI

Well, I expanded the definition of

little white lie, to include any

lies you tell women so that theyll

sleep with you. So yeah--the whole

thing about how Im an iPhone app

millionaire, and Im

Leonardo DiCaprios brother

Donatello, and I won three Super

Bowls with the Raiders--those

were little white lies.

BROOKE

Well is there anything about last

night that wasnt a little white

lie?

6.

LEVI

Well. Remember when I said that I

have a PhD in chemistry? That was

true. And also, you know how I said

that I shower 7 times a week. That

was a little white lie. Its more

like four times a week.

Bruno walks down the stairs.

BRUNO

Alright. Im packed.

CARLA

Truman. Were leaving for my

parents house, and well be back

tomorrow afternoon.

TRUMAN

(imitating Ari Gold)

The gym, Lloyd! The fucking gym!

INT. HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Truman is still watching TV. Carla, Levi, and Bruno walk in.

Truman continues watching TV.

CARLA

Truman. Were home.

TRUMAN

(to an imaginary person)

Hold on, Lloyd. My wife is on the

other line.

CARLA

Who the hell are you talking to?

TRUMAN

Honey--I cant chat now. Vince is

about to get out of rehab, and

were about to close the deal for

Aquaman 3.

CARLA

Youve

been watching Entourage nonstop

since we left?

TRUMAN

Thats correct.

7.

CARLA

That was a day and a half ago.

TRUMAN

I didnt hire you to be my gay

Chinese calendar, Lloyd.

CARLA

Truman--youve been watching the

same show for 48 hours straight.

TRUMAN

Everyone does it. Its called binge

watching. The gym, Lloyd! The

fucking gym!

CARLA

Truman--youre becoming obsessed

with this show. Youre an addict.

BRUNO

Yeah. Why cant you be addicted to

a good show, like Sex and the City,

or Thats My Mama?

TRUMAN

Im not addicted to Entourage. I

mean, Im about to finish it. You

cant be addicted to something that

youre done with. Let me put it

this way. If you finish all of the

worlds crack, then you cant be

addicted to crack. Theres no more

crack to be addicted to.

CARLA

Well how much more crack do you

have to do?

TRUMAN

Five episodes.

CARLA

Fine.

INT HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY

Carla is awake in bed. She wakes Truman up.

CARLA

Honey. Get up. Youre gonna be late

for work.

8.

TRUMAN

I dont work at the factory

anymore.

CARLA

What do you mean?

TRUMAN

Im gonna be an agent, like Ari

Gold.

CARLA

Ari Gold is a fictional character.

TRUMAN

Hes based on a real agent named

Morty Edelman. Hes the guy who

got Bob Saget the Full House deal

in the 80s. Before that, Bob Saget

was just some some nobody actor,

and he was still performing using

his real name.

INT. OFFICE - DAY

(Flashback Scene)

A young BOB SAGET is sitting across from MORTY (45).

MORTY

So youre looking for a new agent?

BOB SAGET

Yeah.

MORTY

Whats your name?

BOB SAGET

Bob Sutherfucker.

MORTY

Sutherfucker? You shouldnt perform

using that name. You gotta use a

stage name. Bob Sutherfucker sounds

too much like Bob Motherfucker.

BOB SAGET

I guess so. Well If Im not gonna

be Bob Sutherfucker, then who

should I be?

9.

MORTY

How about you change your name to

Bob Socksucker, or Bob Saget?

BOB SAGET

Bob Saget?

MORTY

Yeah.

BOB SAGET

Well. Its better than Bob

Sutherfuker. OK. So how are you

gonna get me acting jobs?

MORTY

Well. I have an idea. ABC is

looking for someone to star in a

new cheesy family sitcom called

Full House.

BOB SAGET

Oh. Great. You can get me an

audition?

MORTY

Audition? No--thats not how you

get cast in a cheesy family sitcom.

BOB SAGET

How do you get cast in a cheesy

family sitcom?

MORTY

(on speakerphone / intercom)

Gina--get me a video camera and

some Rocky Road ice cream.

INT. 1980S ABC OFFICE - DAY

ABCS PRESIDENT (male, 45) is talking to an ABC EXECUTIVE

(male, 40).

ABC PRESIDENT

Im thinking of moving MacGyver

over to Wednesday, and then moving

Growing Pains to Tuesday, and then

we can shimmy Mr. Belvedere into

our Monday lineup, and boom---on

Tuesdays, well show Make Room for

Daddy.

10.

ABC EXECUTIVE

Thats a good idea--except Make

Room for Daddy was canceled in

1964.

ABC EXECUTIVE 2 (male, 40) walks into the room holding a

video tape.

ABC EXECUTIVE 2

You gotta see this video. Its of

some guy named Bob Saget.

He puts the rap in a VCR, and everyone watches it. It show

Bob Saget chocking himself and rubbing his body with Rocky

Road ice cream.

ABC PRESIDENT

This man is a sick son of a bitch,

and he ought to be shot in the head

immediately. Thats why we should

make him the star of our new family

sitcom Full House.

INT. HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY

CARLA

Well. Good for Bob Sutherfucker and

his agent. But let me ask you this.

How are you gonna find clients?

TRUMAN

Ill post an ad on Craigslist.

CARLA

Truman. No one looks for agents on

Craigslist.

INT. ROOM - DAY

MEL GIBSON is sitting in an office, and talking on the

phone.

MEL GIBSON

(on phone)

What do you mean?! ... Well you

know what? Youre fired! Thats

right. Ill find a new agent.

Mel hangs up the phone and gets on his computer.

11.

MEL GIBSON

Lets see. Craigslist. Agent. Here

we go. "Truman Waco, superagent.

Unlike most people in Hollywood.

Im not an idiot. And Im not in

Hollywood." Interesting.

INT. CHANGS CHEESE SANDWICH SHOP - DAY

Truman is sitting at a table with Mel Gibson.

TRUMAN

So what can I do for you?

MEL GIBSON

Um. Why are we having this meeting

in a cheese sandwich shop?

TRUMAN

Its, uh--this is actually my

office. But I like cheese

sandwiches so much, that I had a

cheese sandwich shop built in my

office.

MEL GIBSON

Wow. Thats pretty impressive. Most

other superagencies have a fountain

in their office. You have a entire

cheese sandwich shop--with some

Chinaman running the place, and a

sign outside your office that says

"Changs Cheese Sandwich Shop."

TRUMAN

So what can I do for you?

MEL GIBSON

Well. Im an actor.

TRUMAN

I think I recognize you. Youre

that guy in Lethal Weapon. The

black guy with the mustache.

MEL GIBSON

No. Im someone else. My name is

Mel Gibson. I havent been getting

many roles lately, because of

a little misunderstanding between

me and the public. People heard me

say that Jews are the cause of

(MORE)

12.

MEL GIBSON (contd)every war in human history, and

African American men travel in

packs and rape provocatively

dressed women--and now, for some

reason, everyones spreading rumors

that Im some sort of racist. So,

do you think you can get me work?

TRUMAN

Absolutely.

Levi is sitting at the table next to theirs.

TRUMAN

(to Levi)

Lloyd. Im gonna need a video

camera, and five gallons of Praline

ice cream.

(to Mel Gibson)

Mel--Im gonna need you to take off

your shirt.

(Later)

TRUMAN

Alright. I put the ice cream video

on the internet. And the Barney

the Dinosaur show just offered you

the role of Mel, the racist

velociraptor.

MEL GIBSON

Well. I mean, Im a very versatile

actor--so thats not outside of my

range. Ive played plenty of

carnivores before--plus, I really

identify with labels like "Mel" and

"racist." But Im looking for roles

that are a little more

Shakespearean. Like maybe Aquaman,

or Abraham Lincoln, or, like, if

they do a movie remake of Threes

Company, I can play Chrissy. Shes

a whore. Most women are whores. Im

good at playing whores.

TRUMAN

Mel--youre my number one client.

Ill get working on all that

immediately.

13.

MEL GIBSON

Great. By the way--I just moved to

your city. Are there any mansions

here that I can live in? Preferable

one in the non-African-American,

non-Jewish part of town.

TRUMAN

Mansion? Nonsense. You can live at

my house.

INT. WACO HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

Carla and Truman are in bed.

CARLA

Truman. Why is Mel Gibson sleeping

on the floor next to our bed?

Mel Gibson is sleeping on the floor next to their bed.

TRUMAN

Oh. Hes my new client.

CARLA

Youre representing Mel Gibson?

TRUMAN

Yeah.

CARLA

Um, but--you know.

MEL GIBSON

What? What does he know?

CARLA

Well. The thing.

MEL GIBSON

What thing? Are you referring to

the Jewish war thing, or the pack

of African-Americans thing?

CARLA

Um. What?

MEL GIBSON

You sound like a whore.

14.

CARLA

I dont think I do.

TRUMAN

Now, Mel. Weve had this discussion

before. You cant go around calling

women whores.

MEL GIBSON

You would say something like that,

you Jew son of a bitch.

TRUMAN

Im not Jewish.

MEL GIBSON

Then why are you my agent? My agent

has to be a Jew. Jews are great

agents.

TRUMAN

Oh. Well then Im Jewish.

MEL GIBSON

You would say something like that,

you Jew son of a bitch.

TRUMAN

I cant argue with that.

INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Carla is alone in the living room. Mel Gibson walks in.

MEL GIBSON

Wheres your Jew husband?

CARLA

Um. I guess he went to work.

MEL GIBSON

Right. Yeah. Well, maybe Ill go

down to his office and get a cheese

sandwich or something.

Truman walks in with CASSANDRA (25).

TRUMAN

(to Carla and Mel)

Honey. Mel. Say hello to my new

client, Cassandra Kardashian. Shes

the other Kardashian sister.

15.

CARLA

Shes sisters with Kim Kardashian?

TRUMAN

Well. Im not legally allowed to

say that she is, since shes not.

But I am legally allowed to imply

that she is. Since her last name is

really, Kardashian, and she has

sisters. Shes a Kardashian sister.

MEL GIBSON

She sounds like a whore.

TRUMAN

She hasnt said anything yet.

CARLA

How did you find her?

TRUMAN

Well, I went to a crackhouse, and I

said, "Are there any Kardashian

sisters here?" And Kim Kardashian

said yes, Khloe Kardashian said

yes, Cassandra Kardashian said yes,

and Gary Busey said yes. And

Cassandra signed with me. As for

Gary Busey, he didnt sign with

me--but I did convince him to

change his name to Gary Socksucker.

Where the hell is Lloyd?

(calls out)

Lloyd!

CARLA

I though I was Lloyd.

Levi walks out of the kitchen.

LEVI

What is it?

TRUMAN

Lloyd. This is our new client,

Cassandra Kardashian.

LEVI

Hello. Miss Kardashian. Were

thrilled to have you here at the

Truman Gold agency. Can I get you a

drink?

16.

CASSANDRA

(Russian accent)

Vodka. One bottle. And one ice

cube.

CARLA

Truman. Shes Russian.

TRUMAN

Its OK, honey. Shes not a

communist. I checked.

CARLA

But people arent gonna believe

shes a Kardashian sister if she

has a Russian accent.

TRUMAN

Thats true.

(to Levi)

Lloyd. Were gonna have to train

her to drop the Russian accent, and

develop a Kardashian accent.

LEVI

No problem. Repeat after me, Miss

Kardashian.

(imitating Kim Kardashian)

I love to eat Kit Kats.

Cassandras "Kardashian accent" gets better and better as

the episode progresses.

CASSANDRA

I love to eat Kitty Kats.

LEVI

(imitating Kim Kardashian)

Kit Kats.

CASSANDRA

Kit Kats.

LEVI

(imitating Kim Kardashian)

I get letters from little girls,

begging me to adopt them.

CASSANDRA

I get letters from little girls,

begging me to adopt them.

17.

LEVI

(imitating Kim Kardashian)

Khloe--you have a better looking

vagina than I thought.

CASSANDRA

Khloe--you have a better looking

vagina than I thought.

LEVI

Very good. Now we need you to start

dating a black man.

A BLACK MAN walks in.

BLACK MAN

Im a black man.

MEL GIBSON

Let me ask you this, black man. How

come people think Im racist, just

because I want to kick your

African-American ass?

INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Later)

Carla is seated at a sofa with five WOMEN, and everyones

holding a copy of the same book.

CARLA

I thought Megans quest for the hot

dog bun was a metaphor for the way

people crave glory and seek it.

WOMAN

You know, this is a really good

book club. I feel so intellectual

when Im here.

Cassandra walks downstairs and into the living room. Shes

smoking a cigarette and wearing nothing but a bra and

panties. She walks through the living room and into the

kitchen.

WOMAN

Who was that?

CARLA

Uh. I hired an actress to portray

Megan.

18.

WOMAN

Why was she half naked?

CARLA

Her bra and panties are a metaphor

for the hot dog bun.

Mel Gibson is standing near them.

MEL GIBSON

You sound like a whore.

WOMAN

(to Carla)

Why is Mel Gibson telling you that

you sound like a whore? Is that a

metaphor, too?

MEL GIBSON

Metaphors are for whores. What are

you reading?

(looks at their books cover)

The Quest? Sounds like a book

written by a Jew. And written for

whores.

INT. WACO HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT

Carla and Truman are in bed.

CARLA

Truman. We need to talk about you

know who.

TRUMAN

Who?

CARLA

You know. those, uh, two people.

The two you know whos.

Mel Gibson is sleeping on the floor next to their bed.

MEL GIBSON

Wait a second. Am I one of the you

know whos?

CARLA

No.

19.

MEL GIBSON

Is the whore sleeping across from

me one of the you know whos?

Cassandra is also sleeping on the floor next to the bed.

CASSANDRA

Im not a whore.

MEL GIBSON

If youre not a whore, then how

come I offered you $200 for sex?

CASSANDRA

How come I said no?

MEL GIBSON

Because youre a whore whos trying

to negotiate for more money.

CARLA

Will both of you please be quiet?

Im trying to talk to Truman. About

the two you know whos. Who are

sleeping in our bedroom.

TRUMAN

Me and you?

CARLA

No. The other you know whos.

MEL GIBSON

Wait. Are you sure youre mean two

you know whos? Because Im pretty

sure youre talking about a very

large pack of African-Americans.

CARLA

Im not talking about a pack of

African-Americans.

MEL GIBSON

You dont have to say

"African-Americans." You can say

"n---ers." Im the only one who has

to say "African-Americans." You

know. Because the Jews are

censoring me.

20.

INT. ABC OFFICE - DAY

ABC PRESIDENT 2 is rearranging time slots on a board.

ABC PRESIDENT 2

OK. Im thinking of moving Joe Joe

the Janitor over to Wednesday, and

then well show Black Man, Red

Mustache on Fridays, and we can

have Plumbers in Outer Space on

Mondays, and we can show Fallopian

Tubular Surfer Dudettes on

Tuesdays.

ABC EXECUTIVE 3

Um. None of those things you just

named are actual TV shows.

ABC PRESIDENT

Oh. Well in that case, lets just

show Wheel of Fortune 24 hours a

day, 7 days a week.

ABC EXECUTIVE 4

Thats a genius idea.

ABC EXECUTIVE 3

You know, NBC just finished filming

a new sitcom starring you know

who and you know who.

ABC PRESIDENT 2

Who?

ABC EXECUTIVE 3

You know.

ABC PRESIDENT 2

Right.

They all snort a line of cocaine.

ABC PRESIDENT 2

Now its time for us to do our 8

hours a day of research, a.k.a. TV

watching.

21.

INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Carla is playing Monopoly with Mel Gibson and Cassandra. Mel

Gibson rolls the dice and moves his piece onto a property.

CARLA

You owe me $8.

MEL GIBSON

Thats just like you. Just like a

Jew. Trying to collect your $8.

Truman walks in with MONTAVIUS (25, black).

TRUMAN

OK, everyone. This is my new

client, Montavius Baldwin. Hes a

Baldwin brother.

MONTAVIUS

Im an only child.

TRUMAN

But youre black--so that means

youre a brother. You know what Im

saying, brother?

MONTAVIUS

Youre fired.

He walks out.

CARLA

Truman--can you please just go back

to work at the factory?

TRUMAN

Honey. I dont have time for that.

I have research to do.

He sits down in front of the TV and turns it on.

CARLA

Um. Youre watching TV.

TRUMAN

Im in showbusiness. That means

watching TV counts as research, and

snorting cocaine counts as taking a

multivitamin supplement.

22.

(ON TV) INT. ROOM - DAY

(Commercial / Sitcom Promo)

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Coming soon on NBC. Bob Saget. Mel

Gibson. And introducing, Cassandra

Kardashian. In Not Wheel of

Fortune.

BOB SAGET

I wonder if John Stamos still waxes

his chest.

CASSANDRA

Me, too.

MEL GIBSON

You sound like a whore.

CASSANDRA

You sound like a drunk, sexist,

racist asshole.

BOB SAGET

Man. This really isnt Wheel of

Fortune.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Not Wheel of Fortune. Premiering

this Thursday, on NBC.

INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

CARLA

(to Truman)

Wow. Uh--how did you get them a

network sitcom?

TRUMAN

Well. I dont know. I just stuck

with the ice cream strategy. And

now theyre on TV.

CARLA

Well. Youre gonna make a lot of

money. I mean, you have two clients

whove hit the big time.

TRUMAN

Yeah. I should tell them to give my

my 10%.

23.

(to Mel Gibson)

Hey. Great job on that sitcom.

Youre gonna be a big star. Give my

my 10%.

MEL GIBSON

Oh. Well, Youll have to talk to my

agent.

TRUMAN

Im your agent.

ARI GOLD walks in with his assistant LLOYD.

ARI GOLD

I dont think so, motherfucker!

CARLA

Who the hell are you?

ARI GOLD

Lloyd. Tell her who I am.

LLOYD

(to Carla)

Hes Ari Gold

ARI GOLD

Im Ari Gold. Agent to the stars.

Stars like Mel Gibson, and

Cassandra Kardashian. Thats how we

do things in show-business, baby.

TRUMAN

You steal clients?

ARI GOLD

Yes.

TRUMAN

Oh yeah?!

ARI GOLD

Yeah.

Truman punches Ari Gold, Lloyd, Mel Gibson, and Cassandra

Kardashian in the face, one after another. He then walks up

to Carla.

TRUMAN

(to Carla)

Well. You heard him. He said

"yeah." I guess thats that.

24.

CARLA

Um. Judging by the way you said,

"Oh yeah?"!" and you punched

everyone in the face, I didnt

think youd say "thats that."

TRUMAN

Well. You know. The thing is, I

guess Im not into all this showbiz

stuff. I mean, it seems all

glamorous when youre binge

watching Entourage for two days

straight. But when it comes down to

it, Bob Saget is a real

motherfucker.

Bob Saget is standing next to them.

BOB SAGET

Thats true.