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Friends and ConflictTreating Conflictas aGiftby Chel Avery

Chef Avery is on the staff o f Friends ConflictResolution Programs, a committee ofPhiladelphiaYearly Meeting. She is a membero fCentral Phila-delphia (Pa.) Meeting.20

Qakers, I've noticed, have typical ways of acting in a cflict. During my 13 years infield of conflict resolution, includtwo years' service with a Quaker conresponse program, I 've observed wfascination the peculiarities of Friewhen they are embroiled in hot disagment. I've encountered two commstereotypes, both of which are consiswith my experience of Friends in dispThe first was recently expressed bnon-Quaker who works and socialwith Quakers. He described to meversion of Friends' approach to conf

Step one: turn and face the oppodirection.Step two: proceed.The second stereotype was most cinctly expressed when I asked ticipants at a monthly meeting worto brainstorm their images of Friendconflict. One seasoned Friend said wly: "We thrive on it."Both descriptions ring true. Friefrequently find themselves involveconflict-or very spirited dialoguwith the "powers" to whom wespeaking truth: government officthe military, investors, and manuturers whose actions are at variance

our values. Such conflicts often sappropriate, even comfortable toAt the same time, Friends often a deep discomfort with conflict closhome- disputes within our meetour families, or our neighborhoMany meetings have a norm of discaging any expression of upset, angedisagreement. Conflicts can be ignor swept under the rug for years, generations, in the hope that thingstake care of themselves. Sometimesdo. Sometimes, though, long-heldputes cast a shadow on meeting trantions and interactions for years, or eunexpectedly during an apparently lated discussion.lbelieve our hesitation to address to-face conflicts results from sunexamined myths we hold ainterpersonal conflict. These mythkeep us from addressing and soproblems and can deprive us ogrowth and deepening of commtha t come from embracing and wo

January 1990 FluENDs JoU

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h our conflicts. Even more sadly,us from fully using the specialto conflicts. The

Conflict is a sign of an unhealthy comor relationship. This is not. Conflict is an inevitableof living relationships. In The Dif-

Drum: Community Making andM. Scott Peck explores the procby which deeply committed and car. He distinhes between psuedo-community and

s may enjoy conflict-free periods, but

ofand creativity. Certainly a relamay be an unhealthy

thatnot an indication of health or sickness;To be in a conflict indicates one hasor "gone wrong." We tend towe "live right" and are goodwe will escape conflict. When

to oneself, theto suppress the conflictof denying one's perceivedWhen it is applied to the adveris often a feeling ofWe may assume if ourwere a good person, orat problem-solving, wen't be in this mess; therefore thisis not good, cannot be trusted,d so there is no hope of productively

to give up without even

We tend to believethat ifwe'live right' andare good peoplewe will escapeconflict.JoURNAL January 1990

When there is conflict, someone willget hurt. Since no one wants to be hurtand most of the time we don't want tobe the cause of others getting hurt, thismyth can lead us to choose the pain ofliving with an unresolved problem ratherthan laying the problem in the open andseeking a solution that might be acceptable to everyone involved. This mythhas some basis. I f an easy, universallydesirable solution were obvious to us,then we would simply enact it, and therewould be no conflict. We have conflictsonly when we cannot see such an outcome before us. Too often, we let theapparent limitations of the situationhobble us, when instead we could engage with our adversaries to identifywhat is really important to each of usand to unleash our creativity in searchof new possibilities. Often, our failureto resolve conflict is not the honestfailure of a sincere effort that did notsucceed, but the failure of giving upwithout really trying.Tese myths are dangerous to us forseveral reasons. First, they can stopus from addressing the wrongsor dissatisfactions in our lives. They cancause us to settle for less than whatmight be possible in our relationshipsand communities. They can lead us towithhold part of ourselves and give lessthan is our potential to give.Second, when we are in a conflict,these myths can lead us to act with fear,guilt, or haste, rather than with hope.I f fear prevails, then we act selfprotectively, perhaps by withdrawing oravoiding the problem, perhaps by aggressively defending our own interests at theexpense of another. I f guilt prevails, ourreluctance to burden others with our differing wants and needs may mean wedon't address our own needs or we don'tspeak our truths. I f we act in haste toget the problem out of the way as soonas possible, we may settle for a quickcompromise in which everyone agrees tosome minimally acceptable middle groundrather than searching thoroughly forcommon ground, for better understanding, and for new insights.

I f we act with hope, however, we areable to see the conflict as an opportunityto make positive changes, to learn abouteach other, and to test our own truths.We are able to take the risks and make

the effort necessary to find the best solution available for all concerned, deepening our understanding and connectedness in the process.Our Friends history and culture havegiven us special strengths in conflict,strengths we could trust and rely onmore often. Each of these strengths,however, is a two-edged plowshare: inexcess the strength can be weakness.Tenderness: As a rule, Friends find iteasy to demonstrate compassion and tocare for other people, even those withwhom we disagree. Our forms of worship and decision making, as well as ourvalues, give us plenty of practice in learning to respect and appreciate differentneeds and different truths . In conflictresolution training, Friends are quick topick up skills that involve listening andcooperating to satisfy other people'sconcerns as well as their own.A catch phrase in the mediation fieldis to "go soft on the people, but hardon the issues." The ability to treat otherssoftly is an invaluable gift for resolvingconflict.Yet there are dangers in stressingtenderness too much. One is what EliseBoulding calls "false tenderness," or thetendency to fabricate compassion because we know it's what we're supposed

to feel. Such pretense can obstruct realdialogue. A second problem is thatsometimes Friends find it easier torespect other people's needs than torespect their own. The risk here ispossibly accepting a solution that doesnot answer our own need or reflect ourown truth. A solution that does not include each party's truth is not a solution.Patience: Problem solving is hardwork, and it can take a long time.Quakers are used to laboring over decisions and waiting for unity to emerge.We are good at patience, and this canhelp us persevere in difficult problemsolving efforts.The danger of this trait is that we maybe patient with a problem too longbefore dealing with it. There is a zoneof readiness for tackling a conflict. Atthe beginning, a problem can seem likea minor itch, not worth botheringabout. We cannot repair every singlewarp in our unity, nor should we try.But if a problem persists or growsworse, a time will come when we are

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Friends and Conflictready to speak to it. The need for changeis strong, and so is our will to deal withit constructively. I f no action is taken,however, and no change occurs, patience runs out. I have sometimes seenQuakers push their patience too long,letting a problem simmer, failing to express the depth and importance of theirunhappinesss, until it is too late and patience is used up. Then the will to beopen and creative and the desire to listenand care are succeeded by bitterness. Igrieve when I see such rigidity developin a situation that could have been constuctively addressed months or evenyears earlier.

Plain speech: I am not speaking of thetraditional plain speech peculiar toFriends (Second Month, First Day, thee),but of the honesty and directness thatexpress our testimony of simplicity at itsbest. That is the courage to "speak truthto power," in the manner of JohnWoolman, who simply and lovingly laidhis objections to slavery before slaveholders.A vital concern in conflict resolutionis identifying and solving the right problem. Conflict resolution sometimes failsbecause through indirectness, euphemism, or plain complication, parties to aconflict fail to name what is wrong, andend up "solving" the wrong problem.Plain speech protects us from this error.Too great an emphasis on plain speechcould become an excuse for inconsiderate venting of emotions and opinions,but among Quakers, such excess is rare.These days, if there is a liability withplain speech, I think it is that we do notprize it enough. We no longer hold simple, unadorned, and clear speech as oneof our treasured virtues, and for all buta few, it has become a lost art. Today'sQuaker speech, particularly in the Easternpart ofthe United States, is often markedinstead by highly developed subtlety andnuance that is "plain" only to thosewho are long steeped in Quaker culture.Optimism: I was contacted one summer by the father of a student at aprivate school in which intensely hostileconflict between the board and facultythreatened their ability to continueworking together. Yet the man whocalled sounded relaxed and joyful. Hesaid, "I and some of the other parentsare Quakers, and Quakers are optimists.We know if we try, we can work22

something out." It is for such seemingly impassable roads that our Quakerforebears left us the response, "Waywillopen."Optimism is necessary in conflictresolution because the absence of an apparent happy solution to the problem ispart of the definition of conflict. Conflict usually seems hopeless-it is supposed to. Without optimism, we wouldbe unable to begin to address the problem. We need it to be able to trust ourselves, each other, and the Unseen wellenough so that we can open ourselves,speak and listen sincerely, explore receptively, and experiment creatively.

Yet optimism can be a danger to usbecause, as with patience, it can lead usto deny the problem or to hope it willgo away by itself. I t can be difficult todistinguish between healthy optimismand hiding behind rose-colored glasses.We are doubly susceptible to such selfdelusion in our own meeting communities, which we fear to tinker withbecause they are both precious to us andmysterious. We need to apply our optimism to the belief we can solve problems and can recover and learn from ourmistakes rather than using optimism asan excuse not to address our problems.

Wat kinds of conflicts do Quakers have? The same as anygroup. We dispute the use ofresources, such as the allocation offunds or the use of our buildings . Wedispute the expression of testimonies:are we called to divest our monies fromSouth Africa, to make our meetinghouses sanctuaries, to celebrate same-sexmarriage? We have conflicts about relationships, about personality differences,about discomfort with differing lifestyles, and about leadership. We haveconflicts about behavior in meeting activities, such as the presence or disciplineof children, the amount or nature ofministry. All these conflicts are uncomfortable, sometimes painful. Yet they allcarry the promise of greater growth inthe depth of our community and in theanswers we discover when we share oursearching in the Spirit. Mennonitemediator Ron Kraybill speaks of conflict as a "gift from God," since it isthrough our struggles and seeking attimes of controversy that new guidanceis given to us. D

On Weiby Ann Levinger

Opening our doorsto visitors isonly the first stepin inviting them in.

Friends meeting isn' t a very frienplace, is it?" These words, spokyears ago by my mother the ftime she visited our meeting, come bto me now when I visit other meetinFriends want to be warm and welcoing, but we are busy. Even at meetwe are often pressed for time. Perhthis explains the common practiceasking first-time visitors to introdthemselves, while we offer no introdtions in return. But there are a numof problems in asking first-time visitto be the only ones to stand and say wthey are.For Friends visiting from other meings these introductions often feel cofortable, but for people attending thfirst Friends meeting the entire expence may seem strange. Then tosingled out to stand and speak may fembarrassing or awkward. Such awkwaness is accentuated when the first pple to introduce themselves makethusiastic comments about how muthe meeting for worship meant to theThe visitor may wonder, " Is anottestimonial expected from me?" "Aall visitors supposed to describe thpersonal reactions?"A second problem occurs after meeting breaks: Are the new people wintroduced themselves all greeted meeting members? If , after a self-intduction, a newcomer is not welcomedseveral people, the group may indeseem unfriendly. In meetings with maAnn Levinger is a school psychologist and famcounselor who lives in Amherst, Massachusetts.is a member o f Mt. Toby (Mass.) Meeting.

January 1990 F'RIENDs JOUR